Doesn’t look like my “sniffies” have been sent yet. I ordered 100 perfume oil samples from my favorite smelly site, but according to my account, they’re still working on it.

I added my maiden name on Facebook. When I first set up the account they didn’t have a place for maiden names. I wanted it included in my name in case anyone decided to look me up who knew me before I left the East and got married, but these days I don’t give a shit who may be looking for me.

Last night as I was falling asleep I was thinking of all those who have encouraged me to go for my dreams throughout the years. And while I know they meant well, I don’t think some people realize that not all of us have the blessing of simply picking what we’re good at and what we want to do and then simply “going for it.” Some of us are simply trapped by fate in a sense, and can only do so much because of our circumstances. It’s sort of like a paraplegic dreaming of becoming an Olympic runner. The thing that sucks with me is that it seems to be life’s simplest things that are often out of reach for me, and this really bothers me. It bothers me because it makes me feel all the more singled out and picked on. Even though I’m far from the only one who had an abusive mother, for example (though it still has a way of making me feel “punished”), most people don’t have such fucked up melatonin levels that they can’t even keep a damn schedule. I try to tell myself that things could be worse. And they could be. But sometimes they’re bad enough. But yeah, there are worse sleep disorders than mine, some of which can even be deadly. If your melatonin levels are that off you can fall asleep in a second without warning no matter where you are or what you’re doing. Tom worked with a guy in Oregon whose mother had this problem. Her doctor gave her a medication assuring her that it’d keep her from falling asleep while driving, yet she fell asleep behind the wheel anyway and her car went off the road, killing her instantly.

So yeah, some people have it worse than me. But that’s not the point. The point is that I totally believe without a doubt that I was given the type of sleep curse I have and my driving phobia to hold me back in life. Especially the sleep curse. I feel like I was put on earth to be an asset to others. It’s like I do a better job of making others profit than myself. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for those I care about. If it’s within my means, I would do it and I wouldn’t expect anything in return. But I’m as selfish as I am generous and as indifferent as I am compassionate. If I don’t know you, I don’t give a shit if you’re having a rough day, and no, I don’t want to help you or give to you in any way. If that makes me a bitch or a bad person, then so be it.

Back to my point about not being able to simply “go for it.” I would love to be able to find something I enjoy doing online where I don’t have to worry about schedules and transportation that wouldn’t pay slave wages like MT. I’m just as willing and capable as anyone else of working just as hard. But something up there has been sure to place me in a position where opportunity simply can’t knock. Not on my door anyway.

Right or wrong, my old attitude used to be that some money was better than none, and that may be so in desperate cases, but we’re not desperate right now, and so now I want to be paid fairly for my time and work or else I won’t bother at all.

I dreamt I spoke on the phone with Dad and that my rat grew wings and could fly. It’s a good thing that one can’t be a premonition, LOL, cuz I swear I’d cut those wings off so fast! He gets around and into shit just fine without them.