Andy really annoys the shit out of me with all his pics on Ask that include jokes and comments about race. I’ve told him a million times I’m sick to death of hearing about race, but it’s like he doesn’t give a shit. I know he has serious memory issues, but come on, how many times do I need to tell the guy before it sinks in? Maybe my lack of commenting about it and checking into Ask less often will drive it home, if my suspicions are correct about him trying to annoy me. If he is trying to annoy me, though, then that kind of tells me something about his character that isn’t very good. True friends shouldn’t deliberately annoy each other like this, should they? 

Still worrying about my health/medication issues and still trying to tell myself that I’m not going to drop dead and that sooner or later it will be resolved. I just don’t know how or when. Either way, it’s not easy to just tell myself this just like I couldn’t just “tell” myself the sky is really neon yellow with hot pink polka dots. No one would ever have a negative emotion or concern in the world if it were that simple. Instead, I’m trying to keep as busy as I can to distract myself from focusing on it too much. 

I’m still 99% sure one of these drugs was responsible for the anxiety attacks, and as Tom and I agree, we need to get the doctors to consider how I feel and not a bunch of numbers on a blood test. Remember, when I first went to the doctor it wasn’t because I felt bad, it was because my body wouldn’t respond to diet and exercise and I wanted to know why. I also hadn’t had a check-up in a million years. 

Meanwhile, I still have my various aches and pains – a funny feeling on my tongue, irritation in my throat, neck pain, mosquito bites, head rushes – and I still wonder if I’m under some kind of new curse. I broke the money curse, though, and I’ll break this one too, if I have to. Really, I just want a day without aches, pains and worries! Just one day. 

Since everything is thrown off when you’re not treating hypothyroidism, my period is late, not surprisingly, but that’s nothing. Why do women have to get periods beyond their childbearing years anyway? Even if I’d been as fertile as a rabbit, no one can get knocked up at 48, almost 49, years of age. 

Last night at 9:30 I heard a guy shouting somewhere in back. I couldn’t tell if he was pissed, drunk or scared, like something was wrong with someone or something like that and he was freaking out. 

The lady across the street took off a couple of days ago for the holiday, and next door’s been quiet at least for today. They haven’t had company and they haven’t come and gone like they usually do, but I’m sure the garage activities, along with the daily outings will resume come Tuesday. I should be sleeping through most of it. I slept forever last night so I’ve got to start setting alarms to help hold my schedule till my appointment. 

I woke up a few times here and there, as usual, and had a million dreams. I know I had a few that my dentist was in, but the only one I remember is her sending a letter saying she was dropping all patients who needed 3 or more shots of Novocain during procedures, LOL. 

Why, though, do I dream of this particular doctor more than any other? Doctors C and D have only starred in one dream so far that I can recall. 

When I think of people like Angelina Jolie, I don’t envy them for the reasons most people do, though I also admit I’m not a celebrity worshipper to begin with and haven’t been for nearly two decades now. I don’t envy Angie for her fame and beauty; I envy her for the money and support she has. I’d HATE to be famous and not be able to go to the freaking store in peace. I don’t care who knows what about me for the most part, or what people think of me, but I can’t imagine having to take bodyguards everywhere I went so people wouldn’t hound me. I also don’t care about my appearance as much as how I feel. But what I WOULD love to have when Tom and I grow old and are facing the end is more money and support than we could ever need like she has. I can’t imagine her ever not having enough money for whatever medical expenses arise, and between all those kids she has and other people she knows, I can’t imagine her not having more than sufficient support when she’s old, ill or dying. 

I realize, however, that even if all my friends were suddenly in my town – everyone I know from the US to other countries – it wouldn’t be fair of me to count on them in the end. Those that were still alive, anyway. They’d have their own lives to worry about after all. But will we at least have money to hire the help we may need? That remains to be seen. Just because we’re doing ok now doesn’t mean we always will be. 

On a more fun note, we made a huge Amazon order of both fun stuff and necessities. Bedding for the rats, Co-Q10 supplements for Tom, blue cushions for our stools, and a 200-dollar trimming package for all these damn shrubs and bushes. It would cost a million times more to have everything removed and gravel put in its place. Even just getting rid of our one tree would cost a lot more. So that’s why Tom got a kit with a pole saw so he doesn’t have to climb dangerously high to trim branches. There are 8 tools in all, and we have 5 months to pay for everything. 

I got patchouli wax melts, a small brass erotic figurine, and a bigger erotic one that’s painted. 

We started painting over the kitchen wallboard design with a sunny shade of yellow and were disappointed to find it was much tougher to do than we thought. We knew it wouldn’t be a quick and simple job just because of all the damn edging involved going around counter baseboards, cabinets and the window, but the surface is basically the same material as the unpainted paneling. We’re just not getting good coverage with a brush. We need to pick up some mini rollers. Tom’s going to grab some stuff tomorrow.

Took my statin for the first time in days at 5:30 pm. An hour later I figured I’d be just fine. Sure enough, though, at 8:30, I was just finishing up a movie I was watching when it got me. My head rushed with dizziness and then a few seconds later my heart ramped up into the 120s. 

I ran and woke Tom up who’d just fallen asleep and said, “Holy shit, she may’ve been right!” 

“Who may’ve been right?” he asked. 

“One of my longtime followers. The older lady I told you about.” 

Fortunately for me, the attack didn’t last long and I didn’t have to take a chill pill. Makes me wonder, though, just how long it would’ve gone on had Tom not been around to help calm me down. 

So I messaged Tammy to see if she’s heard of any connection between anxiety, racing hearts and all that shit, and she not only didn’t know I was on statin drugs, but she confirmed that yes there is, even though the biggest complaint with that drug are severe muscle aches. She also said that if anything the statins are more likely to be causing my side effects than the levothyroxine. 

To me, the statins both do and don’t make sense. It doesn’t make sense that it would take 5 months to get me, although some side effects are a long time in coming from what research Tom did. He didn't find anything that linked anxiety to statins, but did find that it can deplete your body's Co-Q10 over time (Tom takes Co-Q10 supplements so he's not as tired). It can also mess with your memory. 

All I know is that all this medical drama is really starting to get to me. I'm tired of the stress, the worrying and the depression. I just want to enjoy my life! All I know is that I’m not taking shit till I see the doctor on Wednesday, then I'll decide from there what to do based on what she says. Worst case scenario I give up on this shit altogether. Sometimes the best way to solve a problem really is to throw in the towel and just not deal with it. I’d rather not because that’s still asking for trouble. The question is which one will give me the most trouble, especially in the near future. If I’m going to have a sudden heart attack and die before I know what hit me in 10 years, I’d rather that than suffer now. 

Tom still thinks it's a combination of things causing it and not just one single thing. We know I'm prone to tachycardia cuz other things have raced my heart out before. I was once on theophylline for the asthma back when I smoked and that made my heart race along with the various inhalers I was on. So it doesn't take much to get my heart going. 

So Mommy Dearest has the early stages of esophageal cancer. She emailed Aly to say that she was pissed that Molly broadcasted the news to the whole world and is shutting her Facebook account down and kicking her offline yet again. What’s creepy is that she emailed her at an address she KNOWS Molly isn’t aware of. I always did think she was a stalker and wondered how many of my my-diary accounts and other accounts she was able to hunt down and find on her own. Molly’s got to have gotten her crazy, stalkerish ways from somewhere. 

Cancer as a whole may be a shitty thing, but it’s hard to really feel much sympathy for such a mean old bully who was almost as bad as her own daughter. It’s in its early stages, though. She’ll live. 

Went to Goodwill and Michael's earlier and that helped take my mind off of things for a while. We got several fun things and it all cost less than $25. I got a mug with pink flowers, silver and clear acrylic gems for the base of one of the fake palms, a large shiny gemstone that can be used as a paperweight, and a very shiny bracelet. You know I love shiny, colorful things! 

On the way back there were about half a dozen kids playing in one of the bigger common areas not close to our house. They were all about the same size and age of maybe 5 or 6. I’d have been so pissed if I were in one of the surrounding houses because that’s just so mainstream and so not what I think of when I think adult community. It was the weekend and they were visiting, but I still wouldn’t have liked it even though their screaming would’ve been easier to block out with sound machines than car doors. Car doors really vibrate the place with a jolt much in the way slamming an interior door does. 

Speaking of kids, someone at work was selling cookbooks for their kid and I wasn’t too thrilled with Tom for getting one. For one, the workplace isn’t the place to sell things any more than school is an appropriate place for religion when there are churches for that. Secondly, neither of us cook! I can see wanting to support kids and their schools and all that, but I still think he should’ve passed it up. 

I never could get into cooking. Not only is it too hot here most of the year for that, but most recipes require so many ingredients, some of which I dislike like lemon juice, salt and pepper, and there’s a lot of measuring and counting, something I suck at. Tom’s better with numbers and he likes salt and pepper just fine, but he doesn’t like a lot of things in general. He hates chicken and fish. He’s not a fan of vegetables either unless it’s potatoes. So even dishes like beef and broccoli would be out of the question. 

Had a shitty dream last night. In one we were still living with Jesse who was suddenly starting this new job and anxious for us to move all of a sudden. I told him it may take 2 to 4 months and asked if he was going to kick us out. He seemed like he was considering it and I was following him around the land as we talked, only the land in the dream had several small ponds on it. 

Next thing I know Tom and I are homeless and supposedly “voluntarily” trapped in a loony bin. Because we had no place to go, they were going to kill us. At some point in the dream, I found a cell phone on the floor and struggled to try to remember Tammy's number. I wanted to call her and get word to her about what was going on. “Nobody will ever know what happened to us if I don’t,” I said to Tom.

Getting more nervous as my doctor’s appointment nears. I know it’s silly and I shouldn’t. It’s not like I’m going to be sentenced in court for something. I’m just going to see if I can get help adjusting my medication or not. 

As for people and body parts annoying me, I had a scratchy throat and heartburn last night (heartburn is also connected to hypothyroidism), but the feeling of a lump being in my throat went away. 

It was still a bit scratchy when I got up, but a throat lozenge helped with that. I considered breaking my levothyroxine pills in half and starting that tonight along with the statins, but IDK. I’m so afraid to treat it and I’m so afraid not to, even though I went years before I even knew about this thing. 

Anyway, all was quiet next door till they took off shortly before 11am. Not long afterward I went out on my bike down and up the steepest hills in the park. I love coasting down that hill! It’s like a giant slide or a mini rollercoaster. Other than having to break for speed bumps, I just let the bike pretty much take me down the hill. I did a shortened version of my usual route. Not just because I didn’t want to overdo it, but also because I didn’t want to burn either. 

I was a bit surprised to find my heart was doing 147 when I got in, but it dropped quickly. Then again, I have fallen out of shape a bit since this shit with the side effects has caused me to slow down the exercise. 

So I’m lying in bed to catch my breath and relax a bit before tackling the laundry when I hear subtle movements outside. “Let me go see if they’re back already, or if I’m losing my mind,” I thought to myself, and sure enough, they were already back. It’s cooler today too, and this means an extension of the garage activities. I’ve heard a bike pump and a vehicle door slam, but all other sounds have been drowned out with rain and thunder vids.

Once again, quite thanks to my 80-something neighbors who have more energy than your average 20-year-old, I am in the laundry room to escape whatever the hell it is they've been doing in that garage of theirs. I just can't figure it out. There doesn't seem to be enough stuff in there to organize in the first place. It's a single-car garage, so it's not very big. They can't be renovating it to use as another room since it's not climate controlled, and I doubt they'd want to always have to keep their vehicle in the carport, but this is really getting old. They have a right to do whatever it is they're doing, but I have a right not to hear it, don't I? She asks me if I can hear them doing their laundry at 6am, then gets noisier??? I don't get it. 

I just worry they're going to start waking me up as I sleep later. If I keep hearing a lot of movement over there for another week or two, I'm sure they won't mind my asking what's up. That way I can get a sense of what's going on and if it's to be a regular thing. I just hope he's not getting into some kind of woodworking project, cuz that's likely to be an ongoing thing if he's going to try to sell whatever it is he makes or something like that. I did hear something running while in the master shower and then some hammering from the laundry room, though I do admit that could've been from anywhere. 

The rooms that face their place are the master bed and bath, the kitchen, and part of the living room. The kitchen, living and dining area are all one big huge area with the only "divider" being the bookcase and counter. 

Later… 

Had to take a chill pill last night not so much for anxiety but because I couldn't sleep. I took it just after midnight. I like this stuff way better than Benadryl and Melatonin. Benadryl dries my mouth and Melatonin breaks up my sleep for an hour or so and can give me a headache. The lorazepam doesn't make me sleep forever either and awake feeling rested rather than groggy. 

Yesterday my ear/jaw started acting up and I took an ibuprofen. Figures I couldn’t go a whole fucking day without something, huh? Today I’m fine, though, save for a slight lump-in-the-throat sensation that could be anything. My thyroid couldn’t enlarge itself in just 6 months, and would push outward and not against my trachea anyway. 

While I may feel ok, my mind still races with worries. How in the world can I ever get myself to just live in the moment? There is so much to enjoy in the present – big things, little things – but I’ll never be able to fully enjoy them as long as I’m worrying… will these doctors really be willing to work with me? Or will we have to start the whole pain-in-the-ass process all over again to find someone who will? I have more confidence in my PCP than in my endo specialist. My endo doc seems to not only lack compassion but she made it seem like my only alternative would be very hard to regulate. So I think that if anyone’s going to be stubborn and put up resistance, it would be her. It’s a business same as any other and they quite often want to do what makes them the most money as opposed to what’s best for the patient. 

I just want to enjoy this upcoming 3-day weekend without worrying what health issues we may have now and which ones we may get later on down the road! For years it was anger issues, now it’s worry-wart issues. 

Later… 

I am sooo happy for my sister! The house has closed and her husband will be down to join her next week. Wish I could be there for the happy reunion! 

I chatted with Nane yesterday and had to laugh at the shitty weather she complains about. She’ll be heading somewhere into the sun soon enough, she told me, but doesn’t know where. 

Thanks to those who gave me the hair and toilet advice. :) One suggests draining the toilet bowls and soaking those stubborn water stain lines with white vinegar-soaked paper towels, and another suggests Damage Therapy Clear Hair & Scalp Therapy shampoo to help my thinning hair. She had chemo for a while and so she knows all about thinning hair. In my case, it’s caused by the hypothyroidism. The meds can add to it, too. Since we plan on replacing both these old shitters, though, I think I’ll let the water stains live on. I’ll remember it for when the new ones get build-up. 

I was working on my story when it hit me - an earthquake takes place in the story… and then one wakes me up for real. Weird. Real weird. And it’s not the first time life has imitated my creative works either. 

Last night I was reading about palm reading for the first time in a while, and following the illustrations and what they could possibly mean. I guess a long lifeline doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll live a long life. I asked Andy if he believed in palm reading. He saw one in 1991 after moving to Arizona and the palm reader told him I'd move there within 1 year. Well, I moved there June 9, 1992 and didn’t know I’d be going there till a week or two before I actually made the move. 

I’m not sure that I believe in this any more than I believe in gods, ghosts and angels. At least not without some serious direct experience or some scientific evidence to back it up. Besides, even if I knew for sure there was a God, I still say it’s mostly an unfair and cruel one given all the atrocities and tragedies that occur in life. 

I’m reading a really good book now called Fractured Persona where this guy in California gets in a car accident and goes into a coma. He awakens in some other guy’s body in North Carolina and is told his wife (who’s not really his wife) actually beat him unconscious. So now he’s got to go along with it so he doesn’t get thrown in the loony bin.

Believe it or not, I'm in Windows for the first time since we took our laptop to Hawaii. Although it may have improved, it's still not as secure as Macs, so I gotta be careful where I go and what I do. 

It's weird being back in Windows and takes some getting used to. There are a couple of features I do miss, like how you can customize colors easier and I like how it puts what's open in little icons down below so I don't have to zoom out to get to things like I do on the Mac. The two aren't really overly different once you get used to them. The X to close windows is on the right for Windows and the left for Mac, though on the Mac it's a red dot, not an X. Time up top on the Mac, down below on Windows… 

Like most people, I was resistant to change until the Windows viruses drove me crazy enough to go Mac and be virus-free as we have since I won them in 2008. Damn, I miss winning! But that's a whole 'nother story. Another thing I dislike about Windows is having to turn the thing off before bed. 

Anyway, this computer, which they gave him at work, is actually super nice. Windows 7 Professional, I believe it is. It's in the laundry room, which also has a built-in desk. The keyboard is a bit high, but hey, they just didn't anticipate computers like this in 1983 when our house was built. I'm "training" this computer to know and remember my sites. So it doesn't feel stuffy in this room, I put the fan on auto. 

Decided I was feeling better enough and was ready to expand my bike ride a bit to something between the circle and going around the entire park. There are now 3 houses for sale on this street, so I noticed. The sun was blinding but my heart was fine. If it wasn't the meds beating the shit out of my heart then I'm not short. Sure enough, as I did my final loop around the circle, Bob was entering the garage from the door in back. That's why I'm in the laundry room on the other side of the house. My 80-something neighbors have simply gotten a wee bit too active for me during the morning hours. I'll be in here till around noon. I just can't concentrate as well on my work with them slamming doors over there like they have been. Tom thinks it's just that getting the new oven inspired them to clean up a bit and get organized and that they'll settle down soon. I hope so! I'd rather work in my usual spot than in here, though this is better than nothing. 

I'm actually typing this up as a draft in one of my writing sites, knowing I can pick it up from my Mac and copy it elsewhere. I can do the same here, it's just easier than going through our network. I have to, though, to get at things like my story doc. I'll probably work on my story most of the morning. I'll still hear some things from in here like car doors and maybe landscaping, but nothing major. The lady in the house straight across from the window behind this monitor never goes anywhere and rarely has company. 

I'm not going to post this till I'm at my main computer later on cuz I don't have an electronic reader installed on here yet and I like to hear my entries as well as read them with my eyes. I hate typos so I use the Mac's built-in reader. 

Making some butterfly shrimp now and sharing sweet corn with the rats, not that I expect anyone to care, LOL. The few times I have gone to the rooms alongside next door's garage I didn't hear a thing. So they wait till I get an escape plan in action before quieting down? Well, part of my job requires me to listen and watch videos so I could really do without all the bumps and bangs, as sweet as they are. 

Later… 

Started to worry I had a UT infection when I noticed a burning sensation when I peed yesterday (and when I first got up), and had a cramp-like feeling in my lower right abdomen. I don’t think so, though, thank God. I sure hope not! If I do then I’m going to go from wondering if there’s a medical curse on me to believing there actually is one on me. I put some of that cream down there and we’ll see. I’m still burning a little down there, but no ab pain and no discolored piss or anything like that, so that’s good. 

I’m actually more worried about Tom right now than I am for myself. He first got chest pains in 2000 that he thought were heart-related but then learned it was exercise-induced asthma. Well, he’s not only had chest pains but trouble breathing as well. One time we had to go home instead of out to eat because he felt dizzy. He tells me it’s nothing and that humans simply have aches and pains and it’s part of getting older and all that, but he would say that. He would downplay things so as not to worry me. Really hope it’s just that he’s been so busy and was simply a bit tired. 

While they’re no longer going to be doing Saturdays, I have mixed emotions about the weekday OT which is a forever thing with this position. We love that it’s a lot of money, but I’m not so sure I like him working 45-50 hours a week. Yes, I like my solitude and having some alone time to concentrate on my work, but I’m not sure if I want this much space. It’s easier to deal with now that I’m feeling better, though. 

Been feeling better and better. No jaw pain, no pounding hearts, no nothing. So yeah, I’m either going to have to get my dose lowered or go on something else. Decided that Friday it’s back on the statins. That way Tom will have 3 days off on the off chance there are any problems. While I’d certainly rather look bad than feel bad, there’s something unnerving about losing all this hair. My once large round eyes are now nearly swollen shut in a face puffy from having this thing, and my once thick hair is thinning big time, also thanks to having this thing. How can one disease affect so many damn things??? My days of thinking hypothyroidism was only about weight are long over. I’ll probably never be able to lose weight on a lower dose, but if they can keep me from feeling like my heart is going to explode and like I’m going to suffocate, I don’t give a shit. I can at least keep myself in shape with exercise. That’s more important to me anyway. I hate not being able to do physical tasks without getting tired or out of breath so easily. 

Although feeling better physically, my mind still races with worries and concerns. Not as much as yesterday, but still, I really wish I could just get this medication thing resolved so I can get on with my life without the worries, doubts and questions! Again, I don’t want to ignore my health, I just don’t want to treat it in a way that makes me feel worse than the problem itself ever could. The only so-called positive thing I can say about untreated hypothyroidism is the lighter, shorter periods. I really thought menopause was setting in. 

When I came out to the kitchen to eat something shortly before 10:00, I noticed it was quiet next door as I sat at the counter. In fact, today’s the exact opposite of yesterday. Yesterday I’d never think I was in an adult community. 

Bob left right before 11:00 but didn’t make a point of slamming doors several times beforehand. He just got in the SUV and left. This will probably be the last run of the day and he’ll probably go inside once he gets back as it’s warming up out there. They are definite morning people. So I’ve climbed back out of Windows and into my Mac. If we hadn’t set the Windows computer up last night they’d still be annoying over there, no doubt. 

To give folks an idea of the setup here, our house is 62’ long and about 24’ wide. There are streets going by both of the short sides and one long side. That would be the back of the house. The front of the house faces the back of next door’s place. 

Wondering if we need a new toilet for the master bath. We plan to eventually replace both these huge, ancient toilets, but the master one may have to be replaced sooner. After you flush it and the water stops, it’s just below the water stain line I can’t get rid of to save my life. After a while, though, the water line has crept up above the stain. 

In last night’s dream, I was God knows where/how suddenly in possession of the black bitch’s computer. I was curious as to what was on it and combed through it in a way I hoped would never be discovered.

No racy hearts upon waking but I had a weird experience just after midnight. A strong, steady pain in the area where the jaw connects (by my bad ear) woke me up and I had to take two ibuprofen. It was almost like when I had an infected molar, though I have no cavities much less infections that I know of in that area. It really sucked. I hope it doesn’t happen again. 

I am not looking forward to next door’s bumps and bangs for the next 6 hours. By 6:30 I could already hear movement over there. They are the worst they’ve been since we moved in just over a year ago and it’s no longer just about them coming and going several times a day, but about slamming doors excessively and bopping around in their garage doing God knows what. It’s just really distracting and annoying at times, but you know Tom and Jodi can never get neighbors who aren’t so active and outdoorsy. Thank goodness they don’t have a dog! The damn thing would either be barking in the door just inside the garage or it’d be out there with them going off on whatever. Meanwhile, the sound machine or sound videos won’t block the vibration of car doors and trunks being slammed, but it’ll block other sounds they make. 

Rode a mile on the bike yesterday and my heart elevated in a good way. It didn’t forget to slow down after I stopped working out and was just sitting on my ass either. Even so, I’m up nearly 3 pounds from yesterday for a few reasons. I ate like a pig yesterday. I’m retaining water like crazy now. And my metabolism is probably coming to a stop again or pretty damn close to it. 

I did have a slightly racy heart later on in the day yesterday for a few hours but never had to take a chill pill. I thought I might have to in order to help me sleep, but nope. Really hope balance can be achieved as others have encouraged me it can be and that it doesn’t take too long or too much more discomfort on my part. If my only choice were to go untreated vs. put up with such intense anxiety and such heart-pounding discomfort, I’d go untreated. We’re not talking a dry mouth or some slight itching here. We’re talking major, OMG side effects. 

I was surprised to hear someone say they had their thyroid removed as a teen. Wow, that young? They slack off on their meds and often go a few months without taking it. They also say they feel no different on or off the levothyroxine, which they’ve been taking for 21 years. 

I rarely get headaches, but had another one yesterday. Tom thinks it’s due to a lack of caffeine. I still have caffeinated coffee, just not as often as I used to. I haven’t wanted to have any when my heart would be racing. 

Later… 

Just after 8:00, the door slamming started next door, so I knew that within 20 minutes or so they’d be off on their first run of the day. Hopefully, they’ll both go out together cuz whoever stays behind gets to bop around the garage and annoy the hell out of me. 

I don’t know how long they were out for, but after 9:00 the SUV was just outside the garage and then I heard something loud running that might’ve been a pump. Then I opened the door and heard old '70s music playing on a radio. That could only be heard when I opened the door, but it’s the first time I’ve heard music from over there. Their trash and recycle bins are right outside the master bedroom and I saw Bob dump something in one, then enter the back of the garage, letting the screen door slam shut behind him. 

I’m just tired of all the projects! They’re going to end up waking me up if they keep this shit up. They will not go indoors till after noon - 1pm, especially since we’re having a mild spell. If they’re not moving, then what the fuck’s going on over there? I’m hoping they’re just cleaning out the garage and will settle down soon, but I have a feeling that they’ll just go right into some other project, just like Jesse would always do. 

Shortly after that, they had company for a while that pulled up in front of their place. It looked like their son and DIL that stayed there while they were on vacation. They were even quieter than Bob and Virginia at their quietest. 

I’m just sick of all this activity right outside our front windows! It seems no matter what the age, gender, race, family size, social/economic status, we just can’t get neighbors who aren’t so damn active and outdoorsy. Still, I shouldn’t have to hear a couple of people this often who are in their 80s and not attached to us! 

It’s been getting down to 73° in here in the mornings. I keep the thermostat set at 78° Pretty cool for August. I love the savings this brings to our electric bill, but not the outside activity it stirs up. 

Saw Virginia leave when the Tuesday landscapers hit the house across the street. I’m guessing she left Bob behind in the garage since I think he’d be driving if he were with her. Now that the landscaping is done, though, and the temperature is climbing, maybe people will shut up around here and give me some peace. I really, really feel like I’m back in an apartment when people get to slamming their vehicle doors like they sometimes do! 

Andy said maybe they'll die soon, but I wouldn't want that. They're not THAT obnoxious. Besides, something worse could end up over there. 

Virginia's back. Oh, please, please pull into the garage! That would tell me they're probably done coming and going for the day. Damn! She didn't. She's in front of it. So I guess they're either going out again, still working in the garage, or both. 

Anyway, I wouldn't mind them getting a cold or twisting an ankle here and there, but they don't need to die. Then I could end up with a couple with their parents/in-laws that are not only always outside and coming and going like crazy, but that also have mutts and rowdy grandkids visiting. I certainly wouldn't want that! 

Later… 

The SUV disappeared from the carport, but amazingly I don’t know if they went out again or pulled into the garage. I’m just glad it’s finally quieted down. This has GOT to be the noisiest day since moving here. Not just cuz of next door, but there was landscaping in front as well as the common area up the hill. Wait till the leaves start coming down. Then they’ll be out there every day without fail, rain or shine, except on Sundays. I don’t know why, but they catch the leaves faster than they can fall. 

On the bright side, my anxiety is now barely noticeable. The only anxiety I have now is about what the future holds for me. People say it can be worked out, but people also said it wasn’t the meds causing my anxiety, including my doctor, and they were wrong. Sure looks that way, anyway. I don’t want to not treat my disease, but I feel so much better that a part of me is tempted to never turn to the doctors. I doubt I’ll do that, but I’m still worried about what can be done without all these issues. If my only choice is to have such killer side effects that are a million times worse than the disease itself, then it’s not worth it. Maybe I can eventually take something that won’t make me feel so awful, who knows? I just wonder if I can ever take anything ever again without fear and without being hyperaware and wondering if every little thing I feel is connected or not. 

Looking back on it now, I wonder if I really did accidentally double-dose myself. Maybe it was simply the onset of the side effects I was feeling. Guess I’ll never know for sure. 

Tammy left a message on the MagicJack line but I failed to get an email alert. So I chatted live with a helper on MagicCrap’s site and they reset my voicemail for me. Once my account expires in a couple of months, that’s it. I’m done with them. 

Finally remembering more of my dreams again. I was in a large house or building and was the only white person present. Everyone else was black. Like most of my dreams, they consisted of a series of “scenes” that made no sense all put together. In one scene I was with a woman and a guy in their 20s. The guy was vacuuming. This seemed to be an upper floor where there were many hallways, closets and bedrooms. I shut the closet doors he’d left open when he was done after he vacuumed them out. This was in some hallway. Then I stepped into a bedroom that may’ve had more than one bed in it. I walked up to one and placed a couple of small dolls on it that were kinda ugly and didn’t seem like anything I’d collect. 

In another scene, a woman asked me in an accusatory voice if I told some young guy if his “favorite” person were to be visiting. I guess they weren’t supposed to see each other or something. I shook my head, no, and the woman walked over to me and pinched my forearm. I asked her what the hell she was doing and she said it was a trick she learned to see if people were being truthful or not. 

Then I was sitting on a couch between two young guys who started smoking a crack pipe. It suddenly hit me that if they got caught I would go down with them, so I said I better leave. They said they’d leave instead. I said, “Good, go,” and playfully kicked one of the guys in the ass as he rose from the couch. He wasn’t too happy about it either. 

Then I was afraid of what inhaling the smoke may do to me so I quickly headed over to a big set of double doors and thought I might go outside for a walk. It was raining really hard, though. I waited a while, then when I looked outside again it was snowing, leaving me stuck with a bunch of strange, moody druggies. 

Later… 

Someone in the UK thinks my jaw pain was cuz I grind my teeth in my sleep, and Canada’s sure it’s TMJ. Whatever. Just as long as it doesn’t keep happening! 

Someone in the US, Cali, to be exact, really thinks Nane's trying to avoid her. She just peeked in on my blog, but still… why isn’t she answering my emails? Could she really be that busy or does she just not want to dump me but not really be friends either? Either way, why do we still have to play these games at times? If her heart really isn’t in our friendship, why can’t she just come out and say so?

Slept well and didn’t wake up with a racing heart. Haven’t taken the levothyroxine since early on the morning of the 23rd and have been better since yesterday afternoon after taking a chill pill. 

I’m not 100% sure the levothyroxine was responsible for how horrible I’ve felt these last couple of months, but I’m getting closer. All I know is that the less I take of it, the better I feel. We don’t want to rule out the statins completely, though it’s highly unlikely they’re the culprit after 6 months on the same dosage. However, why it took two months after being raised from 50 to 75mcg of levothyroxine now makes sense based on the research Tom did last night. It takes that long for each new dose to work full force. I thought it took a few days to a week for the levothyroxine to leave the body, but it actually takes 2-4 months. 

Those who have had their thyroid removed aren’t in danger until 2-4 months after stopping the levothyroxine, so one lousy week isn’t going to kill me. I’m not taking the stuff at all. Then come Wednesday or Thursday I’ll take the statins again and see what happens. Even my sister, who worked in nursing, thinks my levothyroxine dose is too high for my body. 

At this point, knowing myself and my body as well as I do, I just don’t see how what I was feeling was any kind of psychological reaction any more than I think it was anxiety that wasn’t connected to the meds at all. But why didn’t the doctor see this?! I know doctors are only human, but still. If I wasn’t half this anxious when things were at their worst in my life, why would I be this way when they’re going great, no matter how much my subconscious may be conditioned to think I don’t deserve good things after so many years of suffering? I realize the doctor doesn’t know my life story either. Either way, I do like this doctor a lot. She’s not just a hottie, but she’s very nice and doesn’t make you feel like just another number like my Endo did, and so I’m hoping she’ll be willing to work with us (yes, I’m taking Tom in for extra support next time I see her which he’s fine with, and that way I don’t forget to relay anything to him), but if not we’ll get another doctor. 

I continue to be a bit forgetful that I can’t even remember my dreams. The only one I remember from last night is seeing my dentist. Only she was a GYN and not a dentist. My hair and even my eyebrows are thinning big time and I’m still losing weight. These things are nothing, though, compared to how awful I felt. I’d rather be fat, ugly, old, dumb and poor yet healthy than to have it all while I felt like shit. I may have my anxious moments in life, but not to such a severe degree that I feel like I’m either going to die or end up in the hospital. I knew something was wrong. Never has there been a medication I’ve taken in my life with such horrible side effects. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to take a lower dose or something else entirely without worrying, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Took my statin last night and felt just a little anxious, but not too bad. I took a chill pill at the end of my day more because I was having trouble sleeping than because I was anxious. I crashed just before 8pm. Then somewhere between 3:00 - 3:30 my heart booms me awake. My first instinct was heavy footsteps vibrating the place, then I realized it was my heart. So now I’m wondering if maybe the statins are to blame, though it seems unlikely they’d mess with me after 6 months, if there was still enough levothyroxine in my system to cause it, if it was just anxiety alone, if something was wrong with my heart, or several factors combined. I am so sick of the confusion, the questions and the what-ifs! Tom also tossed around the possibility that maybe my adrenal gland’s a little haywire and that’s what’s causing me to wake up with a racing heart. 

Then Tom got up a little after 4:00. I told him what happened and shortly after he comes running into the room and asked what time I woke up. As I told him, I couldn’t remember the exact time. Pretty sure it was no later than 3:30, though. That’s when he told me a 6.0 earthquake hit the Bay area and wondered if I wasn’t perhaps startled awake and that’s part of what made my heart take off on a run like it did, but I don’t know for sure what time I woke up like I said. Besides, even if it was the quake, I’ve been boomed awake by my heart a couple of times before. Tom, on the other hand, is such a heavy sleeper, the epicenter could be right under his bed and he’d sleep right through it. 

Although I haven’t taken lorazepam since being up, I have been anxious on and off all morning. This is truly frustrating as hell. I know I’m PMSing now and that doesn’t help, but still. This isn’t like me and I miss the old me! Both Tom and Tammy assure me it can be worked out, but how? And when? She says she’ll call later with tips guaranteed to help my anxiety. Well, regardless of what may be causing it, I’ll do anything. Anything that’ll work! 

Tammy pulled out her nursing books and asked me some questions about my meds and what I’ve been doing and I filled her in on dosages and how I’ve been trying different things to get at the core of the problem. She still thinks the worst thing I could do is not take the levothyroxine at all and says I should at least take it every other day. As for the statins, I don’t know what to do. This indecision is driving me crazy. I can’t wait to get in to talk to the doctor on the 3rd! I’m just sick of this shit. Totally and utterly beyond sick of it. 

Later… 

Right now we have more money than we need and we live in a beautiful house with more space than we need inside a safe and gorgeous gated adult community. It both saddens and frustrates me to know I can’t fully enjoy my life’s luxuries, luxuries I had to do without for so long and never thought I’d ever get to enjoy again. I have had slight but obvious waves of anxiety on and off all morning and finally took a chill pill over an hour ago. Now I feel great and the only thing to keep me from fully appreciating that is knowing it won’t last forever. Any second the tornado will be back to storm through me with its vicious slew of yucky feelings, both physical and emotional. 

It is definitely looking like it was indeed the earthquake that woke me up, though, and thank goodness I didn’t know beforehand an earthquake would wake me up as I can assure you that would’ve scared the living shit out of me. Same as if someone had told me before January 14th that I would be diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. I’d have been like HashiWHAT??? I’d never heard of it before, though Tom has. 

Anyway, 8 people in my town have reported feeling the quake, so who knows how many others felt it that we don’t know about? Tom thinks it woke me up because I was just about due to get up anyway. I usually sleep the standard 8 hours despite not having a set schedule. I’m surprised Andy's mother and sisters didn’t feel it since they were closer to it. Hundreds of people in Sacramento reported feeling it and since I’m barely a stone’s throw over the city line, then yes, I probably did get earthquaked awake. 

I still don’t know what’s going on with me and as Tom points out, I may never know. There could be so many factors causing this, but he isn’t worried because it’s nothing dangerous – no matter how lousy I may feel at times – and all I need is just minor tweaking to help me. I hope he’s right! I might have to go on full-time anti-anxiety meds, but at this point, I don’t give a shit. Whatever it takes. I don’t care if I have to live in a bottle of happy pills to stay calm and happy and I don’t care if I get addicted. 

Tom and I went to Denny’s this morning. He got an omelet and I got steak and eggs. God knows we can afford it, though I went easy on the eggs due to the cholesterol. Pulling in almost $800 last week is much appreciated despite how tired he’s been and how shitty I’ve felt, and we felt we deserved a treat. We rarely dine out, but maybe just a few times a year. You never know how long you’re going to do well financially anyway, as I’ve learned. He’s made good money most of his life, but not all of it. 

Not sure swapping in money problems for health problems is the better deal, but that’s just how it is. Strange how things turn out, though. In 2011 we were discussing ending it together so we wouldn’t starve to death on the streets. Now we could get a decent living room set with just one paycheck. It’s also strange, and sad, how one’s life can change in just a matter of minutes. One day I was going about living my life. I’d just made the bed up. It was 6:15 on the morning of July 9th. By 6:30, life as I knew it changed for what I hope isn’t forever. 

Going to Denny’s always brings back funny memories of when Andy and I worked there back east. It wasn’t funny then, but it is now. We worked graves, and oh, the pranks we’d pull! I wasn’t always a very nice, considerate or patient person back then, and one night Andy noticed I’d been on break an awfully long time. “I’m not on break,” I told him, “I’m fired.” 

Some guy was demanding ketchup like I was his slave and not his waitress when I was trying to go on break. He wanted it “right now.” 

“Yeah?” I told him, “Well, I want a million bucks and I ain’t getting it. Life… you win some you lose some, buddy.” 

Management – uhem – didn’t think that was a very appropriate way to handle Mr. Gimme My Damn Ketchup. 

It was funny when Tom asked me something about how something was done there since “I worked there before,” and I was like, “I can’t remember half the shit that happened yesterday, so how am I supposed to remember 1989 unless it pertains to some stunt we pulled?” 

It’s amazing I was able to eat my entire T-bone since the stress has been sucking up my appetite a bit. I nibble more than I eat lately. I guess it was just that good, though a bit tough, and it’s not something I have that often. I’m still losing weight, though very slowly. God knows it isn’t from working out cuz I haven’t been doing much of that. Been too afraid to, not wanting it to elevate my heart even more. Still, I’d take 100 pounds just to feel better! 

Later… 

I guess the quake’s epicenter was 6 miles deep and could be felt for 100 miles. 90 people have been to the hospital and tons are without power. To think that I felt my first earthquake and was awakened by it is both scary and exciting. 

So many people have said that if they had to start all over again they’d never have kids because they are just so much work and money. If my rats’ could be as much work as they were this morning, I can just imagine what those with kids go through and am all the more glad I never had any. Yeah, these furry guys really made me work my butt off cleaning tubes, hideaways and burrows, not to mention changing the bedding itself. 

What sucks is how winded and jittery I’ve become lately. I wonder if I’m falling out of shape due to a lack of physical activity. One of the reasons I like to keep working out, whether I lose weight or not, is to stay in shape. To be able to do things without getting tired or out of breath. I really should at least make a point of running on the treadmill if only for a few minutes a day. 

Tom and I went to Raley’s because he needed cash and we got a few things there that we couldn’t get at Walmart. 

Tom and I relaxed in bed reading together. Well, I read and he played a game on his tablet. I tried not to ask myself how I would ever again be able to take medication without fear. I had some back pain when I got up and wondered if I’d suspect the meds if I were still on them. I probably would. “Humans have aches and pains,” Tom reminded me, but his wife is very hyperaware now and questioning everything. God, next thing I know I’m going to be questioning a spot on the wall and wondering if it’s an alien come to study me from outer space. :(

Doc Sexy has ordered me back on my thyroid pills. I awoke to a message from her saying she definitely wants to see me and to continue my thyroid meds till I see Dr. D. But why hasn’t Dr. D called with an appointment for me? I guess I gotta call her, and then there’s the thyroid ultrasound and blood work to deal with… argh! It just seems so much to deal with! :( 

I feel guilty where Tom’s concerned. I feel like my problems are bringing him down. I don’t blame him if that’s the case. I just wish it would end. I want the old me back so bad. The one who didn’t have to live in the fear of her heart suddenly racing for no reason at all and feeling like she was going to suffocate or have a case of the runs. 

I haven’t needed a lorazepam since I got up, and I’m trying not to think – what if the main culprit really was the levothyroxine and what if today’s the day I’d have gotten better for good but won’t know that now that I’m back on the meds? 

So many fucking what-ifs and questions but seemingly never any answers! :( All I can do is hope I get through the day without any major anxiety. This should be the last Saturday Tom has to work for a while and they should be all caught up at work. 

Later… 

I want to once again stress to anyone who may mistake my forgetfulness for lack of caring or not paying attention, that that’s not it at all. If I didn’t care I wouldn’t bother with you. Memory loss goes hand in hand with Hashimoto’s as well as stress/anxiety, so please don’t take it personally, ok? I do care and I do try my best to remember things. If that’s not enough assurance for you then I don’t know what else I can do. I’m doing my absolute best to keep track of things here within my home and with those I connect with online. So please don’t insult me by saying I don’t care or pay attention. If you don’t know me better than that then you either need to learn what I’m all about or not be a part of my life. I don’t mean to sound harsh or offend anyone; I’m just telling it like it is. I’m doing my best! 

No attacks yet today. Just the usual door and trunk slamming from next door. I saw Bob place a dolly in the back of the SUV. Shortly afterward, they both took off. 

I’ve been listening to nature sounds on YouTube not just to drown out little distractions, but to see if it helps relax me. Either way, Tibetan bowls are just as pretty sounding, if not prettier, than wind chimes. One of the things I like better about the vids as opposed to the sound machines I have is that the sound machines keep playing the same short recordings over and over while the vids are multi-hour long recordings. 

I still don’t know what makes me ok any more than I know what causes the attacks. I’m still torn between the meds and just a strange case of anxiety. Tom says I may never know and that it could be a spec of dirt on the floor for all we know, and that’s what makes it kinda scary. If I don’t figure it out, then how can I stop it? I just hope the fact that I haven’t needed a chill pill today isn’t because my meds are out of my system. It was only a matter of hours ago that I got Dr. C’s message telling me to continue them. I did, however, have a kiddy smoothie right before I read her message and took the damn pill. This may’ve blocked at least half or more of its absorption. 

I just feel bad for Tom. His patience is waning, and not that I blame him or anything like that, but this only makes me feel worse. Feeling bad is one thing. Having it affect others is another. 

Later… 

My skin has been a lot less dry since returning to Curél lotion and using a creamy body wash instead of a gel wash. You would think by now I’d have learned not to deviate from what works. 

I’m both thrilled and bummed to say I’ve been anxiety-free today. Thrilled for obvious reasons, but bummed cuz it only continues to scream “meds” even louder. Between now and the 3rd I’ll be composing notes to take to the doctor cuz I feel the more she knows, the more it might help me. I hate to think that the doctor was wrong while the patient was right but she doesn’t live in my body, after all, and hasn’t experienced my feelings firsthand. 

The question is what to tell the doctor without giving her the impression I’m trying to defy her or imply she doesn’t know what she’s doing. Doctors are human too, and they make mistakes. I know this. But I also know that I’M the one living in my body and I know how I’ve felt, so unless I’m surprised with an attack, I trust my instincts and am leaning toward either not taking the pills at all, or taking it with a smoothie so that I get some benefits minus the killer side effects. If time keeps proving my belief to be correct, I really worry just what the hell else I can take. How can they treat me in a safe way? There are side effects and then there are side effects! 

Next door had company for a while, presumably to show off the new oven. I think there was a pickup and a car at some point, but it’s been quiet for the last hour or so. I just wish they would make vehicle doors that close soundlessly with all the coming and going they do. I never met anyone in my life who didn’t want to take just one day off here and there, but I know that as annoying as it sometimes is, and as much as I don’t get it, that doesn’t make them wrong.

Happy 54th birthday to Nane, wherever she is. I emailed her twice but haven’t received a response. I let her know it on her wall, but that post disappeared. I’m not in the mood to play tag games with her right now. I need to get myself better. 

Polly didn't return to my blog last night. She must not want that cracker, haha. I included a picture of a parrot in the post and the famous “Polly want a cracker?” thing. Of course, if I hadn't made that post in her honor she would've been. My guess is she's Pauli. That was probably a nickname of hers. I'm also guessing she may've had an abortion when she was young and she was looking to see if I knew about it and mentioned it. If I'm right, though, I don't see why it would matter to her all these years later, but who gives a shit. 

Later… 

Here’s the latest health update, then hopefully – hopefully – I will soon be able to talk about other things more often because my health and emotional state will be under control. 

First, I’m glad my birthday picture made it to Nane's wall and that she likes it. Messages and other things are screwed up there, as usual. 

I know I’ve said some negative things about doctors in general in my recent posts and that I have trust issues when it comes to them and all that. They may be doctors and they may be intelligent, but they’re still only human, and well, human beings do make mistakes at times. It isn’t that I don’t think mine know what they’re doing or that I’m afraid to trust them, but I sometimes fear the levothyroxine was more responsible for my anxiety than they may realize. Now don’t get me wrong, it was probably a number of things feeding off of each other, as Tom believes. I don’t know if he’s right about my subconscious thinking we don’t deserve to have the great life we now have, or that my subconscious was telling me the meds were bad, but I do know that it’s looking more and more like the levothyroxine really did have the biggest play in the booming heart and intense negative emotions. We do usually know ourselves best and I can truly say that I’ve never had anxiety that extreme before no matter how shitty my life has been at times. It does make sense that some substance was influencing it. I don’t think the levothyroxine was necessarily 100% responsible but it may’ve been around 80%. It’s still too soon to say for sure what things had how much of an influence on causing the shitty feeling. For once, though, it’s definitely not money. For many years, when something went wrong, it was usually about money. Now I just feel like shit. Getting better, but still not 100%. 

The first half of my day yesterday sucked. Even though I sure felt like I was going to die and I knew from a logical standpoint that I wouldn’t, it was still scary as hell. Like walking into a room and finding a giant spider on the wall. You know that spider isn’t going to jump off the wall and kill you but you’re still terrified. 

I spoke with one of my endo doc’s nurses, and apparently, they all keep in touch with each other as to what’s going on. I didn’t know my primary care would know I stopped the levothyroxine until I saw her in January. I didn’t think I’d hear from the endo doc again either, but the nurse told her to tell me of all the horrible and even deadly things that could go wrong if left untreated (long term, of course, and not tomorrow or next week or even next month)… enlarged thyroid, nerve damage, coma, etc. 

She also had a message from my primary care saying that I needed to see her. I will be seeing her on September 3rd, but I haven’t heard back from the endo doc yet. Although she isn’t always prompt, it’s too bad I can’t be flattered that they’re trying to get me back in cuz they actually care about me when it’s probably really about money. Who knows, though, maybe they do care. Still, I know I have to put my trust in them soon enough and get this dealt with. I even postponed the dentist and my ear doc for now since this is more critical. 

So anyway, I woke up with my heart a bit racy and took a chill pill. As I feel better and better and more convinced it was the levothyroxine, I can now move on to my next worry and that’s what the hell else can I take that won’t cause me to feel so lousy??? Tom and Tammy both tell me not to worry and that all I need is a minor adjustment, but I DO worry. Sometimes, seeing is believing for me, and until I can see I can treat my Hashimoto’s without feeling like I’m going to die, I cannot fully rest easy. It is a HUGE HUGE relief, however, to be feeling better. That was one of the worst physical experiences I ever had, and it was no fun emotionally either. If I could suddenly know for sure that I’d never experience it again I just might crack up in tears of relief that’s how horrible it was. It’s one more thing to add to my list of traumatic memories, but I’d rather it be a memory than a reality. If another attack does get me later on (I have, after all, falsely thought I’d seen the last of them before), then that’ll suck too, cuz then it could be almost anything. I think Tom’s right, though. It isn’t just one thing. I personally think it was mostly the levothyroxine. 

I’m worried for my sister who’s understandably worried for herself who has to see her pulmonologist today. A friend’s taking her because she doesn’t want her to go alone. That’s nice of her. If I was alone and all my friends lived in town, I wonder how many of them would offer to take me if I were in her shoes? 

With the way medicine is so advanced today and advancing even more, I believe they will figure something out. Even if they can’t make her better, I think they can help keep her from getting worse. 

The gel nails are definitely worth the extra money. Day 5 and I have just a few chips on the tips of 3 nails on my right hand while the left hand almost looks like it was just done. It’s good for if you’re going on vacation for a week or so and you don’t want to take regular polish and make touch-ups along the way. We paid $25 for a set of a color base coat and a topcoat, plus another color base. 

Saw Jim again when I was out riding earlier. Yesterday I said hello to Bob while he was puttering around in the garage. They’re getting a new oven, so I guess that’s why I’ve been hearing him in there more lately. 

Later… 

Without Tom and Tammy's support and constant reassurance, which we all need at times, I think I’d either be dead or in the hospital. Words cannot express how grateful I am to them for their patience and compassion. 

The good news is that Tammy didn’t say she had anything terminal when she left a voice message, but she does have a lot of scarring and inflammation along the wall of her chest. Her bronchial tubes are also messed up and I guess that means mucus gets clogged in them. They’ve got her on antibiotics. 

As for my case, she says my Hashimoto’s disease is causing some of my anxiety (I never had attacks like this prior to the meds, though), but it’s nothing to worry about. I’m just an anxious person; anxious over the unknown, trying to get help, etc, but the absolute worst thing I could do is stop the meds. She thinks I should take it at least every other day. I still want to wait till I see the doctor, though, which is only a couple of weeks away. 

She too, recommended deep breathing and pointed out that all meds have some side effects and that I just have to mentally overcome that (HOW?). She said she goes about her day without worrying if her breathing problems are going to act up and all that, but she’s tougher than me. I feel just fine right now but what’s spoiling my chances of enjoying it fully is knowing that any second, I probably won’t be fine at all. I’m just a wimp, I guess. 

I woke up with a racy heart just before midnight and was fine till around 8am when my heart raced on and off for an hour or so. It sucked but was too soon to take a chill pill. I could take one now, but now I’m ok, so I’ll skip it for now. I just miss the old me!!!

So I get up, check my blog visitor list, and wowee! There's my cousin Polly again after a looong time. But wait. Could that really be the one who never gave a damn about me as a child or as an adult? OMG, you mean now she suddenly gives a shit about me and what's going on in my life?! 

But, but, but, if that were the case then why did she search for herself? The fact that she doesn't have the guts to contact me directly makes me wonder just what's going on in that little brain of hers. Not only did she search for her own self, but the town I grew up in as well, and a name I do not recognize. Oh, and she searched "abortion," too. Who the hell does she think had an abortion? T'wasn't me. 

Well, folks, maybe someday my dear cousin will actually become brave enough to work up the nerve to contact me and tell me why all the sudden interest in my blog. Yeah... maybe... 

Later… 

I wish I could report that I’m all better now. No more racy hearts, no more having the runs, no more nasty emotions. But sadly, they’re still occurring on and off. My endo doc’s nurse called asking that I call in. I will later on. Guess she doesn’t want to give up on me. Or does she not want me to give up on her? I know I canceled the appointment in a distraught state, and it’s not like I want to throw my health away and give up on my health problems. I just needed to back off the pills to try to isolate the problem, but that’s just the thing, as Tom pointed out, there is no one problem. Yeah, the meds might’ve influenced the anxiety a little, but he believes that deep down my subconscious is causing my anxiety. He believes that because I was abused and conditioned to believe that I don’t deserve good things, it could be what’s stirring up this anxiety. Things are better than ever for us right now. I do get “suspicious” when things go well after so much hardship in the past, I will admit that, but on a conscious level I definitely don’t want to suffer, and I do believe that if anyone deserves good things, it’s us. I want to breathe easy and know I can treat my disease without fear. Tom also thinks that whatever I believe will make the anxiety stop. If I believe a new medication will do the trick, then it will stop. But that’s another thing I worry about; taking new pills and wondering what they may do to me. After 3 days, though, there may not be much left in my system, which would mean it was indeed much, more anxiety than the pills. That’s WHY I stopped the pills; to see if I could narrow it down at least a little bit. 

I hate having to pass messages through nurses and not being able to talk directly to the doctor, but I will call the doctor’s office once they open. They also want to schedule my ultrasound that checks for any signs of cancer or enlargement of the gland itself. 

I may put my dentist appointment on hold till I get all this other shit figured out. The thyroid and anxiety are way more important than my teeth. 

I just want to feel like myself again no matter what I have to do to achieve it. But I also don’t want to get so bad that Tom has to jeopardize his job to help me. Tom said I’m his number one and he can always quit and get another job in a couple of months, and while that’s really sweet of him, I don’t want it to come to that. I don’t want to end up like Robin Williams, deep in so much despair and beyond help. I don’t think I will, though. I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to die. I just want to stop feeling like shit. That’s all I want. Anything after that is just a bonus. 

As I told Tammy, I’d rather be struggling in Jesse’s dumpy old trailer and wondering why the hell I was gaining weight with diet and exercise, than feeling like such shit. Kind of surprised my weight hasn’t climbed since stopping the pills, but it’s only been a few days and it’s not like I gained a pound a day. Also, the anxiety is really lowering my appetite. 

I felt so good for a few hours yesterday morning after he left, rode my bike, said hello to Jim along the way who was out on his walk, then boom. Just when I thought it might be over, I was later sitting at my computer when my heart ramped itself up. I had to take a chill pill. I slept ok, though, but as soon as I got up, sure enough, my heart was racing. The chill pills don’t make me perfect but they help. 

For now, Tom and I agreed to send him quick updates throughout the day so I feel less alone. He reads them on his phone when he gets the chance. 

My day ended miserably yesterday and started off just as hellish, but first… prior to being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I remember telling Tom that I wasn’t sure what would be worse… the doctors not finding anything wrong, leaving me to wonder why the hell I kept gaining weight WITH diet and exercise, or if they did indeed find something wrong. I finally decided it’d be best if they just told me my thyroid was dead so I could treat it and get on with my life without gaining any more weight. Well, they sure did, alright. Only problem is that while it did seem like a quick and simple fix at first – just swallowing a couple of pills – little did I know that I would develop anxiety worse than anything I’d ever experienced even when my life was at its worst. Like being with an abusive mother, stuck in state-run nightmares as a teen, jailed for a crime I did not commit, or poorer than poor itself. 

I took the pills. I stopped gaining weight. I even lost a little, and a little is a lot at my height. But ever since July 9th, life as I’ve known it came to an end, making my weight seem like NOTHING. I still have random anxiety attacks that affect me both physically and mentally. Racing heart, feelings of suffocation, and just about every negative emotion under the sun only it’s intensified in ways I hope my readers can and will never comprehend. Nothing I do and nothing I tell myself seems to stop them and I can never know when they’re going to hit or how hard they’ll hit when they do. How severe will the panic be? How scary will it be? How much will I fear I’m going to die or end up in the hospital? When will it happen? I just can never know. The only thing I do know is that this is NO way to live. 

I fell asleep at 1pm (I’m on half days/half nights right now) and could not stay asleep to save my life. I’ve always been known to wake up a few times throughout my sleep, but this was like every 20 minutes or so. At 4:15, I jumped out of bed with a racing heart and took a chill pill. Unfortunately, though, my anxiety escalated to full-blown panic before the pill could take effect and Tom left work a little early, even though he’d already done some OT. 

In my state of panic, I questioned the off-chance of it being my heart and not just anxiety and he said that with all the doctors that have listened to my heart lately, that was not only unlikely but that I’d already be dead by now if it was. Hearts don’t usually act like that for months before they get you. “See, it’s calming down now that we’re talking and I’m not magic.” 

I agree there’s nothing physiologically wrong with me in that sense, or life-threatening, but we’ve decided that the best thing to do is to put me in reset mode, so to speak, and let my body empty out of all its chemicals. I'm not taking anything but lorazepam when I need to relax and ibuprofen when I'm in pain, because that’s not part of this equation, as Tom pointed out. They do their job and then they leave the body. They’re not long-term like the thyroid and cholesterol meds. That’s why they took so long to catch up to me. 

We now speculate it's not just one thing causing these horrible feelings, but possibly a number of things. Just the whole chemical overhaul and all that. We think that I simply made too many changes too fast and my little body simply couldn't handle all the drastic changes and that it threw my chemicals off. Sometimes it doesn't take much. So I am taking a week off from it all. A short time isn't going to cause my thyroid to kill me nor will my cholesterol jump that fast. I am watching what I eat and avoiding eggs and high-cholesterol foods for now. There are a few external anxieties as well, like not knowing what’s going on with my sister. 

After a week or so, then we'll decide what's best to do once I'm in reset mode and all the drugs are out of my system. One way or another I've GOT to stop these attacks. They're crucifying in every sense of the word, having my heart race to 120 when I'm just sitting there and feeling like I can't breathe and going to die. The feeling of utter doom when my life is otherwise going great is truly debilitating and I'm determined to stop it whether that means going with no meds, different meds, homeopathic treatment... whatever it takes. I'd rather live just 5 more happy years than 30 feeling like this! It is THAT bad. All I know is I can't do too much too fast at my size. I may be 20 pounds overweight, but I'm not even 5 fucking feet. 

As soon as I got up at 11pm, sure enough, my heart was booming in the 120s and I felt like shit. It’s going to take a week or so for all this shit to get out of my system. I’m just trying not to think, then what? Then what??? What if I can never treat my thyroid because everything throws off my chemicals and makes me a basket case? I’m trying to take Tom’s advice and take one day at a time without worrying about a week from now, a month from now, or a year from now. It took 4 hours but right now I feel just fine. But how will I feel in a few hours from now? That’s the scary question. I’m trying to turn those future thoughts off, but it’s not easy. One thing I can say for sure is that a part of me wishes I’d never even gone to the doctor in the first place. Ever. I would go back to living in poverty in a heartbeat to get rid of these God-awful feelings! 

My mouth was dry all day yesterday too, but that was probably my fault for having too much soda and not enough water, so I’m making sure I water myself down today. 

Facebook is fucked up AGAIN and Nane has been unable to see my messages, so I emailed her. I thought something was up. She and her family also vacationed up in "den Bergen." She said to check out the pics, but I don't see any on her wall. :( 

What else… Bob was hammering something in his garage yesterday morning at 9:30. Then I heard what sounded like duct tape being unrolled, and then a vacuum. Really hope he doesn’t make a habit of making a racket, but that would actually be quite a luxury as opposed to these killer anxiety attacks.