Got up a little while ago and am almost afraid to face the night ahead not knowing what anxiety/depression may hit me. It’s very random and gets me when I least expect it. I was fine when I wrote my last entry, but as the night progressed I was aware of a subtle yet distinct underlying feeling of anxiety and depression. Tom’s theory has got to be right about the old me and her chemicals being thrown off, cuz I haven’t gotten this way without a reason in centuries. Meanwhile, my life is fine. Everything’s going great. There’s no external reason, so to speak, for me to feel this way. I can totally see how it can drive some people to suicide no matter what they’ve got going for them. 

Tom also believes I’ll adapt and that I will continue to get better and better. Well, the severe physical type of attack has stopped. It’s now down to just an emotional feeling. Still a shitty way to live, but at least my heart’s not booming like crazy and I’m not feeling dizzy or running to the toilet. So yeah, I’m better, but still not good. I don’t want to feel so on edge every other day or so, but I’m not sure yet if I should run to the therapist, ask my PCP for a full-time chill pill, or just give it a little more time. I wish I could quit the meds altogether but if I do that I have the original problems all over again. If anxiety comes on tonight I’m not going to wait for hours hoping it’ll get better. After an hour or so I’ll take a happy pill. I’d rather not feel bad enough to do so in the first place, but we’ll see! 

Took a break from working on this entry to apply the glitter tea rose stickers above the bed, which arrived today. They look great! Stylish and colorful without adding a gaudy, circus-like touch to the room. If I had to start over again, I wouldn’t have painted the hallway such a bold shade of pink. I probably should’ve done the pale lavender there and a paler pink in the second bedroom, but oh well. 

As I was applying those and waiting for my food to cook, sure enough, my anxiety and my pulse rate went up a bit. As soon as I sat down and started eating, though, I was fine. I hope Tom’s right in guessing I’ll learn to live with these meds without taking a regular chill pill or returning to the therapist, but I sometimes feel like my only options are going to be to chill pill it regularly or stop the damn meds. 

I know another stupid thing I need to do is stop watching such sad stuff when I’m already feeling kind of blah. Was it really smart to watch a documentary on condemned prisoners’ final 24 hours on death row like I did last night? I was never big on the news due to its often sad and infuriating content. The problem with the Internet is that there are links everywhere, making it harder to avoid. Still, I don’t have to click on them or watch such sad and depressing stuff on YouTube. I guess I was watching these things for a while not just out of curiosity and because I like to learn, but to remind myself that things could be worse. Right now I definitely have it better than a lot of people, maybe even most. I have a sleep issue that’s debilitating, yes, and a disease that’s a pain in the arse, but I am otherwise healthy, loved, well off financially, and living in a beautiful home. 

Despite how well things are going at the moment, I sometimes wish we could get the hell out of Cali. My skin is drier than dry here and we’ve had some of the scariest times ever in this state. But unless poverty revisits us and we lose the place, we should be here for over a decade.