Dr. O, who might have peaked in my blog again last night from a slightly different location in New York, messaged me to say that she’s having one of her nurses contact me. Until then I thought I would do a private entry where I don’t have to watch what I say. I’m also sick of others being quick to give me their unsolicited advice. That only confuses me even more. The three things I should have kept out of public from the get-go were what the freeloaders did to me, my sleep disorder, and my thyroid issues. Especially the last two. There may be a few paragraphs here that I might share in my public blog as well as my private one, though. 

Tammy tried to tell me that I was feeling anxious because I didn’t have enough thyroid hormone in me and not because of the medication. As Tom agrees, that makes no sense. I haven’t had enough thyroid hormone in me for many years; so then why didn’t I feel just as anxious then? I’ve got to be careful what I say to her because one thing we don’t want is for her to get involved. Not too involved anyway. As Tom pointed out, if people can get involved in the past, they can do it again in the future. That’s the only problem with Tammy I still have today. I know she was a part of siccing the pigs on me, even though she continues to deny it, and I know she wouldn’t hesitate to do something like that again if she got pissed at me. 

I am totally, totally torn between trying to stick the 75 micrograms out and going back to the 50s. I felt so much better on the 50s and I didn’t need lorazepam. What does that tell you right there? That the doctors are telling me one thing while my body is saying another. No matter what they say, I really do believe that the Prozac was making me feel worse. I think it was responsible for my throat pain, and even making me depressed to the point that I thought of dying. I probably should have been more open with my doctors about the dying part. It’s just that revealing those feelings in the past has backfired on me, and I remember that. I know this isn’t Valleyhead and I know this isn’t the 80s, but it is still hard to discuss with anyone other than Tom. From now on though, I will take his advice and be more upfront about that. I know things have changed and that they’re not like they were years ago, but still, I don’t want to God forbid be punished for how I feel and made to feel even worse. As it is I went in with a bum thyroid and even that has made me feel worse in the end. It seems that more often than not, whenever I try to help myself or get something fixed, things end up worse, just like they did with my ear. 

I still wake up with a racing heart throughout the night (another thing that didn’t start till after the Prozac), and I agree with Dr. A who said she truly believes it’s anxiety. The only difference is that it’s not as scary as it used to be because I am getting used to it. It is just frustratingly annoying. 

The question is why am I having such intense and extreme anxiety that I never had before last year? It is totally unpredictable and it comes and goes when I least expect it to. I can feel fine one minute and the next I am feeling waves of anxiety. Sometimes it’s physical where my heart is elevated, and other times the anxiety is emotional. 

I think one of the reasons I have been feeling tired more lately isn’t just the stress, but because I stupidly stopped my vitamins. 

I was a little pissed to learn that I never needed a referral for the behavioral center, so we've been waiting all this time for nothing. I spoke to my PCP's nurse yesterday morning who told me to just go ahead and call them. The shrinks are booked through October (utterly ridiculous) but I will see a counselor named Stacey on May 12th. 

Saw the street Tammy will be living on and it looks beautiful. Mostly palm trees and a lot more grass than we have here. Maybe she won't hear leaf blowers as much as we do cuz she doesn't have the kinds of trees we have that make such a mess. She's going to hear a lot of mowing, though that's less annoying than blowers. The blowers they use here are insanely loud. For about 5 hours yesterday, the landscaping sounds around me were annoying as hell, especially when I was trying to talk on the phone. They're so loud even when they're not that close. 

What's what all the huge spider dreams lately? Last night a huge one ran across the ceiling in my dreams and I was freaking out the closer it got to me.

Felt pretty well during the first few hours of my day… and then the anxiety reared up and bit me in the ass big time. I felt almost like my brain would literally explode with anxiety! My sister calmed me down for a while when we talked until she had to go to the grocery store in preparation for an impending storm. It kept coming and going in waves. One minute an utter calm would envelop me and I would feel like everything was going to be ok and stay ok. The next my anxiety was so fierce I wanted to scream and cry. I won’t even get into how dark my thoughts were turning. 

Then the torture continued in my sleep. I woke up several times with a racy heart, and one time Tom took a reading of it. It was 127. 

I have been plagued with uncertainty and indecisiveness ever since this shit started up again. Possible causes and ways to help myself were bouncing around in my brain like a Ping-Pong ball on drugs. Did I keep taking the 75’s? Scale back to the 50’s? Give the Prozac another chance? Assume it was too coincidental that the throat pain and bedtime “heart attacks” didn’t start until after I start the Prozac? End it all? Throw myself in the hospital? 

Yesterday I messaged my endo and told her I wouldn’t mind trying something else for the anxiety just in case there was a slim possibility the Prozac did affect my throat and sleep. I also let her know I would still use the lorazepam as needed. Then, as I was falling asleep, Tom Skyped me to say he got a message from my primary’s office asking how I was. I will call them this morning and tell them I’ve got to back off the 75s once again and drop to 50 till I can get my anxiety dealt with. I think I just took on too much too fast. I need to get that referral and get into the behavioral center first. Meanwhile, I’m not going to die on 50 mcg. I have a dead thyroid, not cancer. Gotta wonder how the hell all this came out of a dead thyroid, though. I know some of it is menopause and anxiety, but they’re all feeding off each other, and the higher dose does seem to be the main culprit, like it or not. At least for me, it seems that way. 

So anxiety first, higher dosage later… maybe. All I know is that every time I’m on 75’s I feel like shit. I can’t stand to have my life and sleep tormented to such a degree during the months it could take to get acclimated. I just can’t do it. 50 mcg may be less than my body needs, but it’s all my body can take right now. 

I don’t expect any trouble from my docs or that they’ll try to push me to do anything I don’t feel comfortable doing. After all, I am an adult and I’m sure they know I have to trust what my gut tells me and what I feel is best for me, since I know my body better than anyone else, and not just rely 100% on them and what they tell me. They’re to help me help myself. Not to mold and shape me into whatever as if I were a piece of putty. But on the off chance there is any unnecessary pressure, I’ll see Tom’s doctor instead. 

Tom saw his doctor yesterday and told him how his BP medication makes him cough a lot. His doctor told him most of them do that but gave him something else to try. He mentioned beta-blockers and Tom told him about me. But because Tom’s the opposite of me and has a naturally slow heart rate, he’s going to pass on the blockers. His TSH and cholesterol are great and he is still healthy as can be. Thank goodness one of us is! Better him than me, but still, it would be nice if I could be healthier. I quit smoking fairly young, I keep in shape… I should be healthy damn it! 

He got a tetanus shot but passed on the colonoscopy. He said, “Do you want this or that,” and not “You need this or that,” so that’s good. 

I have more to write about, including great news about Tammy, but will get to it later. My energy spans are short these days due to all the stress. 

Later… 

Okay, on with Tammy's news as well as the last two nights of dreams before I forget. Well, I wouldn’t forget Tammy, but the longer I ignore my dream notes, the less sense they make to me. I still have a half-hour before I can call my doctor anyway. 

Tammy and Mark made an offer on a house that was accepted in what I am told is a beautiful park with palm trees and flowers galore. It’s a two-bath, two-bed manufactured home that’s slightly bigger than ours. It’s called the Savannah Club and it sounds like it’s a much bigger park than ours. Ours only has one pool, one clubhouse, and a small lake. This place has multiple pools, clubhouses, and even a movie theater that attracts famous people. 

There are wildlife preserves around her so no one can build up in around the area. Hopefully, she won’t have a problem with hunters and dirt bikes, but the east isn’t like the west, so I doubt she will. I teased her about the daily landscaping sounds she’s probably in for. The more plants you have around you, the more you’re going to hear this person trimming this, and that person mowing that, while another is reaching for their blower. Teased her about how much the old guys love to saw too, as she too, will be in a retirement community. The sawing will come and go in spurts. You can go months without hearing them. 

She said she met her neighbors next to her and across from her and adores them. 

I am so, so happy and excited for her! Finally, she has a beautiful new home to call her own in a climate that may have allergies in store for her but that she otherwise loves. 

In other cool news, Matt M, the former owner of Valleyhead before the FBI shut it down, died recently. Oh boo fucking hoo, huh? LOL, wonder if the fraudulent bastard was still in prison for all the girls he ripped off and the lives he helped ruin. 

Random dream scenes: A HUGE spider that grew wings and flew out of a box and onto my shoulder, leaving me literally paralyzed with fear. I was too terrified to try to shake it off! 

A guy dancing to a yellow iPod in a crowded room. 

My old hot doc and some older male doctor referring me to someone because of a 51% chance of who knows what. 

Us buying an old ugly house with a lighted table that had been left in the kitchen that I vowed to get rid of. 

Swimming somewhere and visiting our old town in Oregon for a fair they were having. I thought how I missed the town but not the weather. In some ways this is true. After passing the same person 3 times throughout the day, I looked at Tom and said, “Only in the tiny town of Klamath Falls can you cross paths with the same person multiple times in one day.” 

I had such a good time there that I wanted to stay. But I knew I couldn’t take the cold and snow, and doubted they had any retirement parks. Therefore, getting a house in the mainstream and dealing with screaming kids and barking dogs wasn’t an option as much as I enjoyed visiting. Even when it began to pour like crazy.

On Thursday I decided to do one of my favorite hobbies… people hunting. I don’t know why but I just love to hunt for any little mundane tidbits I can find on people, but not people I know well or don’t know at all. It has to be somebody I’ve met or seen at least a few times like my endo. It’s a sort of a game to me just like some people love scavenger hunts and to see what little treasures they can come up with. Well, I would hardly count the fact that I learned that my doctor doesn’t drink as a “treasure,” but the whole idea of the game is to see what I can find. Silly, pointless game, perhaps, but fun and sometimes interesting. She loves those slot games, LOL. 

I knew she had a house in Sacramento and was married and that was pretty much it, other than her age and a few facts found on the health site. I wouldn’t even know that she once lived in Massachusetts had she not told me. Sometimes it takes a few tries of hunting before you turn up anything. One way I have learned to get more information on people is through their friends provided you can find them on Facebook in the first place. It took me a few tries to find her there and at first I wasn’t even sure it was her because there was no personal information listed. No location, no age, no nothing. The account was mostly public, though, and while her “likes” and movies and books and music suggested that of an older person, I had no idea who it really was at first. They have only 15 friends, mostly in Gloversville, New York, and I couldn’t tell who might be directly related to her and who may be related to her husband or those bearing her last name if it really was her. 

A closer look at her friends turned up a daughter named Stormy who looks old as hell. This chick is either a lot younger than she looks or the doctor had her very young. I could see a resemblance in the daughter’s picture. Same brown eyes, same downturned nose, same wavy brown hair, same slim figure. LOL, the endocrinologists are skinny and their patients are fat. I’d describe her as somewhere between ugly and plain with a bit of a harsh appearance. 

The one thing that definitely stood out was the doc’s nature pictures. She doesn’t have an extensive account and doesn’t post very often, but many of the pics are the types I would decorate my blog with so I sent a brief message complimenting them. Regardless of who it was, they were beautiful. 

Facebook goes out of its way to make reaching out to people rather hard, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of the site, but that’s just the way it is. Most of the time you send a message to a non-friend, if they even get it, it will likely go to their other box and remain unseen. That’s what I expected in this case, but for some reason, the message went straight to her inbox. Although I never got a reply, not surprisingly, the message was read, and then I noticed a blog view from Gloversville. 

I wished I could know if the doctor was out of town at the moment because that would confirm my suspicion as to their identity. But of course I had no way of knowing that and I wasn’t about to ask… until she checked into the health site to answer my questions and volunteered that information on her own. 

So she knew I messaged her before she sent me this today: 

Hi, I am out of town right now but checking on messages and saw this and your other message. I do not think this is high thyroid. The symptoms of feeling hot and anxious in the middle of the night might be anxiety. I do not think Prozac is necessarily causing these to be worse. If these are happening nightly then I suggest for a few nights you take lorazepam as you are going to bed to relax you. If these are anxiety they should improve with time on fluoxetine though perhaps the dose is too low or there are better agents for you. If they persist let me know and we can change gears before the planned next visit. Don't think sore throat is related to any of this. Tingling in the extremeties happens with the anxiety and breathing rapidly. See yoour PCP to figure out the sore throat if it persists. Dr O 

Later… 

Going to stop sharing posts on Google+ since I tend to move things around a bit, which makes the links useless. 

I am so glad to finally say that I feel so much better and got better sleep yesterday. I still woke up nearly a dozen times and was aware of on and off throat pain, but I didn’t wake up feeling like I was on fire and like my heart was about to jump out of my chest. I also fell back asleep relatively fast. I first fell asleep without the lorazepam and then I woke up an hour later. That’s when I took it. I slept eight hours in total. 

No racing heart yesterday and so I never needed the beta-blocker other than that one time so far. I’m doing well so far today too, but that’s one of those unpredictable things that can sneak up on you anytime. As long as sitting down and taking some deep breaths will slow my pulse down, then I don’t need the beta-blocker. 

The throat thing is the weirdest thing because it doesn’t feel like acid reflux any more than it feels like a pulled muscle, and after the first day, I only felt it lying down. It is getting better, though, so whatever it is I’m not worried about it right now. The doctor said to see my primary if it persists. She also thinks waking up with a racing heart is due to anxiety and that the Prozac probably wasn’t responsible for that or the throat pain. She said that tingling could occur in the extremities from anxiety, which I didn’t know until now. The question is whether or not to try the Prozac again. She said the dose could be too low or there might be something else better for me, and to let her know if I have any more problems so we can try something else before our next appointment. 

When Tom gets up I’ll discuss it with him and see what his opinion is. I always value his opinion as well as my sister’s, since she was once a medical assistant and is as familiar with these things as I am with the rules of the romance languages. 

Tammy had a great point in her message to me earlier that I totally didn’t think of and that’s that sometimes you have to get worse before you get better. She has been on tons of meds and has experienced something or another from each and every one of them until her body got used to them. Sometimes the side effects went away, other times she couldn’t stand them and had to stop. The side effects can definitely be scarier than the disease itself. The thought of having the pocket of activity flare up in my thyroid isn’t scary, but it sure is if you’re taking 75 mcg of levothyroxine when it happens. 

There is an end, she assured me, and that helps a lot. Maybe my life in my sleep as I knew it isn’t forever gone after all. It’s just trying to be patient until everything is fine-tuned to where it’s supposed to be. Had to laugh, however, when she said this is a simple disease to treat. Yeah, that’s what I thought. I thought I would just take a pill and forget about it. How wrong I was! Hopefully, it will be that simple in the future soon enough. I have never in my life experienced anxiety to this degree even in my most anxious of moments. I definitely do want it to back off. I mean it’s great that I feel better right now, but how long will it last?

We swapped mattresses but I didn’t have any better luck sleeping on it. I didn’t seem to get as hot since the other mattress has no memory foam, but I woke up just as often and the bed was horribly uncomfortable because it is way too hard. So I decided that if I’m going to sleep shitty on both mattresses, I might as well choose the one that is most comfortable and that is definitely our four-year-old memory foam mattress. I hate how hot it makes me feel but it is otherwise like sleeping on a cloud. Super comfortable. Maybe not as comfortable as a waterbed but still very comfortable. 

Tom double-checked what can cause a person to wake up with a racy heart and found three reasons. Anxiety, menopause and stimulants. Well, I have been going easy on the caffeine, but I certainly have plenty of the first two. It comes and goes with no predictability. Right now I feel perfectly calm but yesterday I was crying on the phone to my sister while Tom was asleep. I left her some voice messages. She wants to chat live but I want to wait until I’m more on days than nights. 

She said I shouldn’t have stopped the Prozac because it will help with the anxiety, but I only did so because I thought I was having a reaction to it. The facial tingling stopped, but I still get that strange, intense throat pain when I’m sleeping. I want to wait until I talk to the doctor and see what she says. If she doesn’t reply to my message in the morning I will call her office Tuesday morning. Really hope that referral comes in this week too. 

For now, I still have the lorazepam. Maybe I should try taking it before bed instead of in the middle of my sleep. I can usually go right back to sleep the first two or three times I wake up, but in the middle of my sleep I have a harder time getting back to sleep and that’s when I’ve been taking the lorazepam. IDK, maybe taking it beforehand will help prevent that. It’s an experiment worth trying. 

As Tammy said, I’ve had this disease for years and it’s going to take time for my body to adjust to the medication and all that. This is true, but when you’re suffering time is everything to you. I am trying to do all I can to change my way of thinking and not to dwell on what might happen and how long this shit might last, and just accept that there’s a good chance I’m not going to be sleeping well anymore and to just get whatever sleep I can. Also, quit being afraid of what my heart might do and just keep busy, keep distracted, and try to surround myself with positive things instead of anything negative. Sometimes it is easier said than done and you start to believe you’re never going to get better and you feel yourself losing hope. What do you do at that point? Tell yourself to just learn to suffer? Be a good little sufferer and just live with it? Tell yourself it must be “meant to be?” 

Sometimes I feel my anxiety turning to anger, and I need to feel that anger more often because anger can lead to productiveness. It can be as positive as it can be negative. It can help motivate us to change things for the better. We may not always succeed in the end, but anger is often our chance to give it a shot. Whether or not this is happening to me out of random chance or because something up there has it in for me, I’m getting pissed all right. It is interfering with nearly every aspect of my life. It’s taking the enjoyment out of my home, my park, and my life. I don’t have the luxury of going on a bike ride around the park like I used to love to do by myself when Tom wasn’t available because I have to fear my meds and thyroid issues combined will elevate my heartbeat as unpredictable as it can be, and then I might panic and make it even worse. Well, I’m tired of living with these fears. I’m not going to push myself to do too much too fast, but I am determined to take little steps toward getting there like I did earlier by walking around the circle…alone. 

At this point my not being able to sleep is harder on me than what might happen to me when I’m awake. Sometimes I am just so tired I can barely function. I never thought I would say this, but I am actually glad right now that I am unable to work outside of home. I always had some semblance of a schedule even when I didn’t have a schedule, but now I don’t even have that. It’s taken “erratic” to a whole new meaning of the word and it is going to make my life a lot harder if it keeps up, especially if I want to travel or to try to keep appointments. There’s no doubt that most of it is caused by perimenopause, and I can already tell that there’s no way I’m going to get my period on the seventh, which would be when I would get it if I was as regular as I used to be. I used to be like clockwork. It would be a simple process if it would just quit picking on my sleep. It is exciting otherwise. This is it. I am definitely slowly signing off from Period Land. I will probably still get a few here and there for the next year or two, though. 

I used to love to relax for a few minutes here and there in between tasks, but I’m making a point of not doing that for now because that’s when my mind sometimes takes me places I don’t want to go. 

“Is my heart racing? Could it be getting ready to race? Is trouble ahead? Will I ever get better?” 

These are the types of thoughts I don’t want racing through my mind. With nothing to distract me, they swirl through my mind like water swirls through a toilet bowl. Only there’s no place to flush it all away. 

Ok, quick recap of yesterday and then I’m going to try my best to get on with my life. Tom and I worked out in the morning and I fell asleep earlier than I usually would have because I was so tired. I slept on and off for most of the day, got up and felt warm for the first hour or so like I seem to be doing a lot lately. I did my usual routine of taking my medication, having my one cup of coffee, brushing my teeth, taking my shower, and treating my toenail fungus. It’s getting better but it still looks kind of gross. These things take time. Too bad this wasn’t my biggest problem, though, huh? 

I never needed the beta blocker yesterday and so far today I am doing well and I hope it stays that way regardless of how I sleep the next time around, whenever that may be. Since I am a little better rested today I expect to be up close to lunchtime. 

I’m going to proofread this entry, post it and then get on with my Dutch lesson. I let Hoodie out earlier and maybe I’ll let him out again while I read. 

Ugh, we need to rid this country of its blacks and make this a safer place to live! I don’t read the news, but I read other people’s journals, which often talk about their own lives as well as what’s going on in the world. 

Once again, the blacks are doing what they do best… violence. Rioting like spoiled little children every time something goes wrong with one of them or they don’t get their way, and taking it out on innocent people while they’re at it. This time it’s over a death while in pig custody in Baltimore. 

Maybe someday they will learn, along with the t-heads, that violence is never a solution. And of course, no one riots or gives a shit when whites are brutalized by the pigs, and they ARE. What about that pregnant woman? She made the news, but no one rioted for her. Skin too white to be worth it? 

I’m sorry for any true, honest-to-God victim of police brutality, but I have no sympathy for blacks in general. They only disgust me even more when they do shit like this. If gays and Jews can get ahead without violence, so can they. Yet so many people just love blacks. Say anything negative against them and whites will take it just as personally. I just don’t get it. I really don’t. The few left that don’t care for them obviously see them for the subhuman pieces of shit 80% of them are. I’m getting to the point where I nearly want to puke when I see one same as when I see a Muzzie. 

Like it or not, just like some breeds of dogs are more aggressive than others, clearly some groups of people are too, and these are one of them. But you can’t make people see what they simply don’t want to see. People want to believe people are good, but the reality is that most of them aren’t. Would the world be as fucked up as it is if they were?

This not sleeping, having to deal with a racy heart and being overheated, is really wearing me down both physically and emotionally that I find my thoughts going to some very dark places, the more the torture takes its toll on me. This complex, nasty disease, along with whatever other issues I may have going on, like menopause and this mysterious throat pain that comes and goes, are getting to be more than I can handle. Too much is coming at me too fast. 

I have lost a few pounds and you would think I should be pleased but instead, I am worried. Most of it has been lost through not feeling well. In some ways, I would rather have my old appetite back and have to tell myself, “Whoa! Slow down!” Then try to keep the scale from climbing. Yes, I really do miss some of my old problems in comparison to this one. That’s just the thing, though… it’s not just one, simple and obvious problem. When a woman has cramps she knows the cause of it is because of her period, so she takes an ibuprofen or something, and that’s it. So be it. Even what we went through in Auburn, as horrible as it was, was a lot simpler than this. The problem was obvious… the economy sucked, we were broke, and there weren’t enough jobs. 

What’s going on with me now is a lot more complex. There isn’t just one thing causing a particular symptom, and sometimes I can’t know what they are or what to do about it. I’m thrown in a strange room blindfolded and I don’t know what may be in that room with me. 

I still can’t get my body to stay asleep for more than an hour or two at a time. It’s bad enough to wake up just because, but it’s a lot easier to wake up for a second, and then go right back to sleep. When you wake up with a hot flash and booming heart, that’s going to a whole new level of shittiness. Every day now I have needed to take a lorazepam to help me get back to sleep. 

I couldn’t fall asleep until 11am and I finally pulled myself out of bed at 8pm. I checked my sites online that I go to regularly, made myself eat a little something and then I got back into bed because I was still exhausted. I’m feeling more depressed than anxious right now. I hate to think that my only choices in life are to learn to suffer or to end it all. 

 In some ways, I’m just as shitty with this new team of doctors as with the old team. My old endo had to go, though, don’t get me wrong. She was a rude and uncaring doctor. But am I really better off now than I was before? I have a doctor who is willing to give me more information than my old one, but I still feel like shit. 

I am told that in a couple of months when my levels and numbers are where they’re supposed to be and my pituitary gland stops barking orders at my thyroid to work harder, I will begin to feel better, and I will be at less risk of pocket flares as my thyroid dies off. If this is really true, that’s many weeks away and I don’t know if I can hold it together that long. I’m still waiting for the doctor to get back to me and for the referral to the behavioral center. 

I left Tammy some voice messages even though I probably shouldn’t because she has enough of her own problems. 

At 1am I finally pulled myself out of bed for a shower and some more food, then to do this entry. I’m still exhausted and I may go lay down again if only because I feel safer from the bad kinds of “beatdowns,” as I call them. There are a few different kinds as funny and confusing as that may sound to those who have never experienced this horrifying thing. You have your short-acting ones and your long-acting ones. My heart has behaved so far today, but it is unpredictable. 

About 10 hours after I took my levothyroxine yesterday my pulse shot up to 125, so I took the beta blocker. It definitely worked, slamming my pulse all the way down to 85. The problem is that it made me feel so sluggish and cold. It may have made me a little short of breath, but that could have been anxiety. 

For now, I continue to document in brief but to-the-point notes for my doctor, even if it might not do me much good.

Okay, here’s my good entry to make up for my not-so-good entry. Andy's surprise turned out to be cheesecake samplers. They are wonderful! My favorites are turtle cheesecake and the New York-style cheesecake, and I also love the raspberry and Oreo cookie cheesecakes. Tom has never had cheesecake in his life and I convinced him to try the Oreo one, and he loved it. 

Gotta admit I did not expect this. I thought it would have to do with rats or scented things. 

He is an amazing friend and I really appreciate his support through these tough times. I may or may not survive in the end, but I definitely have the love of good friends and family along the way. 

There are 12 cheesecakes and they are very rich and filling, so they will last a long time. Probably even longer for me because my appetite has been down lately. I can only eat a little more than half of one at one time. Even a 300-calorie frozen dinner stuffs the hell out of me. 

My second, larger figure skater wall sticker silhouette arrived but I have not put it up yet. I finished the laundry, wrote up the grocery list, and did some blogging, so I am making progress at trying to keep myself busy whenever I am awake. 

Last night it rained for a few minutes and tonight we have a steady rain that has gone on for a few hours. It is a nice soothing sound. 

The only dream I remember was arriving somewhere on a train. But instead of the people exiting the train from seats that are bolted down inside, the front of the train opened up, and the rows of seats “ejected” themselves like a long tongue slowly sticking out of a snake’s mouth. 

I spotted my brother and realized that he was the conductor. I walked up to him as he studied a clipboard in his hands and said hello. He didn’t seem happy to see me and said something like, “What, are you going to dump me again?” 

“Naw,” I said. 

Then he said something about not wanting any problems and I said, “Yeah, it seems silly to stay angry at each other at this point.”

This is going to be a long, depressing health rant, and then I will do a happier blog later on. I am trying not to dwell on the negative in my life right now, but I also want to document whatever happens because it’s good to keep records. You just never know how it may help in the future. 

I have been so bad that Tom stayed home today, but this time we wonder if it’s because of a reaction to the Prozac which I have temporarily stopped until I hear back from the doctor. I messaged her Thursday afternoon and I am kind of surprised she didn’t reply this morning but it did say that it can take up to one or two business days. Makes me wonder if she’s in New York. Out of curiosity I looked her up on Facebook and found an account I thought might be hers. I sent a message complimenting her nature pictures, which were very nice, and noticed that she had some friends in Gloversville, New York. Strangely enough, the message went straight to her inbox, appeared as having been seen, and then I got a blog view from that area. If it wasn’t her, why didn’t she reply? Or maybe she did and I just didn’t get it. You never know with Facebook. 

I thought I would sleep better with Tom home but I didn’t. I developed intermittent throat pain that went on for about 24 hours, and facial tingling as well. And no, the sore throat wasn’t like when you’re getting a cold. Besides, nothing I did helped. I tried hot drinks, I tried cold drinks, I tried ibuprofen, and I tried a throat lozenge. 

We looked online as well as at the papers the pharmacist gave us and they listed this as possible side effects, as well as hot flashes, racing heart, and problems sleeping. Well, I sure had problems sleeping, alright. I have never ever slept so shitty in my entire life. I couldn’t fall asleep till around 5 AM and because I kept waking up so many times I couldn’t pull myself out of bed until 4:30. I woke up at least five times with my heart racing and feeling warm as well. The yoga mat did help keep me a little cooler but not much. I also woke up like 10 other times just because. I am anxious, depressed, worried, and starting to wonder if I’m going to end up in the hospital. I sure as hell hope not but will do whatever it takes to get better and back to my old self for more than just a few days or a few weeks if I’m really lucky. Then again, what if I can never get better? What if this is it? What if this is my new life and I have no choice but to accept it and try to adapt as best I can? That’s a scary thought! 

Why am I so prone to side effects, if that’s really what it was? I’m almost positive the throat thing was the acid reflux problem some people have, but I can’t swear to the bedtime beatdowns my heart puts me through. Some of that could still be menopause, my thyroid meds, or just plain anxiety. I only know it isn’t normal for me. Yes, I know things change with age, but nobody should sleep that badly. The whole thing just seems way too extreme. Not sure which came first… did I wake up and then find myself aware of my heart racing? Or did I wake up because my heart was racing? Tom thinks it’s the first one. 

We’re going to give it one more night, and then if I continue to have problems we will go ahead and swap mattresses. The mattress in the second bedroom is very firm but there is no memory foam topper on it. If that’s what I got to do to stop this shit, I’ll do it. What I really miss most are waterbeds. That might be an option in the future, too. I just hate feeling like life as I knew it and my sleep as I knew it is history. This is just horrible because it leaves me with so little energy when I’m awake. It’s like my mind wants to do things but my body puts up a fight and protests. I have to push myself onward and forward when I just want to lie in bed and do nothing but worry, wonder and hope. Eventually, I’m going to lose that hope, though, the longer this keeps up. Still no issues while awake, but I do feel a bit anxious and I still worry about how the levothyroxine may affect me later on. 

So while I should be happy and enjoying my life, I am scrambling to figure out what to do so I can have at least a fairly decent night's sleep, while I try not to worry about what problems my thyroid meds may cause me in the future, and question every little thing I feel. At least a lorazepam hasn’t given me any problems, but that’s only for when the anxiety levels go way up. Still haven’t used the beta blocker and still hoping that if I ever have to, Tom will be home at the time in case that too, causes any problems. 

It’s too bad Prozac didn’t work out because it seemed to be calming me a bit. Tom said that those with throat pain caused by acid reflux found that they didn’t have it if they took it in the morning instead of at night, but I would rather wait until I confer with my doctor. 

The biggest thing right now is to try to keep as active as possible, as Tom stressed. You don’t want to ignore something like this, but you don’t want to dwell on it either. So I might put my latest story idea to print and do as much as I can to focus on other things, and not how much I’ve come to hate – and sometimes fear – being alone.

My message to Dr. O: 

So far I have been feeling okay when I am awake. The problem is when I am asleep. Once yesterday and twice today I woke up overheated with hot flashes and a booming heart. I was able to calm my heart in a few minutes and therefore did not take the beta-blocker. But I was trembling with nerves and took a lorazepam to help me get back to sleep. This is absolutely awful because now I am afraid to go to sleep when it can be scary enough just being awake and so I was wondering if you had any advice that could help me. I sleep with the house at 68 degrees and a fan blaring on me and nothing but my undies and thin blanket. I had even kicked off the blanket and just had a cover sheet over me. I am going to try putting my gel-like yoga pad on top of the memory foam and see if maybe that will help stop the warming effect. I am on nights right now or else I would have contacted you earlier. My house is currently 74 degrees and I feel like it is 80. 

Later… 

And my life forecast says: 

Love = sunny. 

Money = sunny. 

Health = rain mixed with fierce downpours that could drown a herd of elephants in no time at all. 

I finally got fed up enough to message my doctor online and let her in on my “rude awakenings.” 

40 years ago I got my first period while at our summer cottage in Connecticut. 20 years ago it was either children or life. I chose life. Now, 20 years later I am having the hot flashes from hell. The hot flashes I once thought might be “fun” since I hate cold and being cold, but this is anything but fun. Especially when it wakes you up. Feeling like you’re on fire when you’re awake is one thing, but when you wake up feeling like your body is on fire, heart booming in your chest, it is anything but fun. 

This is the second day in a row this has happened, and this time it happened twice. The first time I got up and was just about to reach for the beta-blocker when I felt my heartbeat slowing down. I took a lorazepam and called Tom, totally rattled by the whole thing. Dangerous or not, it is still terrifying. He calmed me down and after an hour I fell asleep only to wake up from the same damn thing a couple of hours later. Only thing was that this time I was too tired to get up. I sat up for a few seconds to help cool me down and then I fell back asleep. So much for keeping the house chilly and sleeping with just the cover sheet in addition to having the fan on me, and wearing nothing but my boy shorts. Oh, and of course I had to wake up just because, too. I wish I could just give up sleep altogether! I’m not getting into that bed until I am absolutely utterly exhausted. 

Where are these things coming from all of a sudden anyway? I’ve had feelings of being warm and cold for quite a while now while awake, but nothing like this where it was waking me up. On the few occasions I woke up in the past, I would simply be hot. I didn’t feel like my heart was going to explode out of my chest as well. This is the third or fourth time this has happened in the last two months. 

The doctor explained to me that the hormones don’t go wacky; they just quit. Yeah? Well, I want them back. All of them. 

Where I was trying to stop questioning whether or not I thought my heart was racing or if it was about to start racing while I was awake, now I have to wonder what nightmares I may be in for when I go to sleep. I think I am more afraid to sleep than to be awake right now, though I still do fear what my medication may have in store for me later on. 

I shoved my yoga pad underneath my sheet and I’m going to see if that blocks the memory foam from causing me to overheat. My guess is that it won’t do me much good. There’s never a quick fix to my problems. Really, nothing is ever short and sweet for me unless it’s something good. My problems are always long-term. I don’t mean weeks or even months, but years. First it’s getting legally screwed until I could get that overturned, then it's poverty, and now it’s my health. If the doctors and I can ever get me feeling better (which I would absolutely love), what would be next? 

There’s a 65-year-old woman (in Germany?) who is pregnant by artificial insemination. While I think it is horribly selfish and wrong to have kids at that age, I can’t help but look at her as inspirational. If she can put herself through all that at her age, why can’t I survive this thyroid and menopause bullshit at my age? 

For the longest time, I was very much against the use of psych pills after the way they really screwed me over and basically made a guinea pig out of me trying to get me to be the “normal” person they thought I should be, as well as so many others, while I was a ward of the state. Tom read an article that says that the way they handled this type of stuff back in the 70s and 80s was almost criminal. It was horrible the way they lumped so many things together and had practically no understanding of the different types of issues and the proper way to go about treating them. They were too quick to resort to drugs rather than get to the root of the problem, so in a sense, they were no better than those who turned to illegal drugs and alcohol. I’m at the point now where I will take whatever can help me without killing me along the way. As long as it’s the right thing for me and I’m treated as the individual I am and not thrown into some group, labeled or categorized, and needlessly thrown on one drug after another, I am okay with a little artificial help. 

Other than a strangely sore throat, which doesn’t feel like the kind of sore throat one has when they’re getting a cold, it isn’t all bad. Bad enough at times, but there is some good going on. My metabolism is moving faster and my body is now burning what it eats. My joints and muscles feel better, although my skin and hair are still a bit dry. 

African Tea Rose nail polish really does smell like roses even with a top coat and even after wearing it overnight. I even got an awesome story idea earlier.

Everybody keeps telling me I’m going to get better, but I’m still waiting. Every now and then I think I see a shadow of my old self. I chase that shadow but it remains elusive. Ah, my old self. The one whose worst problems were earaches, allergies and a little dental pain. I really miss her. Well, my TSH may be better but my menopause certainly isn’t. 

After just an hour of sleep, I woke up (during a dream about us moving to a park that my sister and my nieces lived in) and overheated with my heart pounding just like I did on February 10. I’m documenting every torturous detail for my own reference as well as to possibly show my doctors. I can’t blame it on the higher thyroid dosage, though; because I wasn’t on 75 the last time it happened. I was on the 50s. Even my doctor said my thyroid isn’t my angel/devil. Other things can be going on. 

When it happened in February I was able to just get up, put the fan on and return to sleep a few minutes later, probably because Tom was home. Not this time, though. This time I was home alone and it took me over an hour to get back to sleep and I even had to take a lorazepam. I was trembling like crazy and my body felt like it was on fire even though it was cool in the house. The reason I didn’t take the beta-blocker was that my heart calmed down a few minutes later, and I was pretty sure that it was more about menopause than my thyroid or medication. I don’t want to reach for the rescue pills unless I have an underlying racy heart that just won’t quit. 

It is extremely frustrating and even scary having to deal with menopause and anxiety on top of trying to regulate my thyroid medication. It would have been nice if I could have done this one at a time instead of all at once. I’m in a shitty zone right now… Stuck in the middle of the transition. This means that I have hot flashes but I still have PMS and periods too, since they don’t just turn off like a light. So I basically have it all and that’s certainly no fun. 

On top of all this female shit, there is still the fear hanging over my head that the raised thyroid dosage may backfire on me. Even if the beta-blocker works if my heart gets out of control, I don’t want to keep suffering and then having to resort to the blocker, but nobody thinks I will have to so that’s good. 

My metabolism is undoubtedly speeding up. No doubt about it. This is both scary and exciting. If I can survive this dose without any problems this time around... bye-bye extra 25 pounds. 

I’m just afraid of coming full circle. The first time I was bumped up to 75 was around this time of year. Well, my metabolism is moving faster, my appetite is down, and I have to take more number twos. I fear that I will end up with the same severe anxiety just like last year. I hope to hell I am wrong, though! So far it looks like the Prozac is helping, along with the way we took a slower approach to upping my dose this time around, but there’s no way to know what the future holds. We can think we know and we can have our guesses, hopes and assumptions, but we can never know for sure until the future gets here. Well, I need at least three or four months on 75 without any issues for me to finally be able to relax and breathe a sigh of relief and think maybe I am finally home-free. Then I will just have the menopause and the anxiety to deal with, but the anxiety should lessen the longer I continue not to have any medication issues. 

The doctor was right, though; 50 mcg wasn’t enough. My metabolism was still too slow. I felt better than on no medication at all, but I was still retaining water, gaining weight easily, and having the driest skin and hair on earth. 

The exciting part is seeing my body treat calories like it should treat it. It doesn’t gain weight from a lousy 80-calorie yogurt and hold it for hours and hours. It may gain half a pound instead of a whole pound or more, but then if I don’t eat for a few hours my weight starts dropping like it’s supposed to. Before, however, it’d hover at the same weight even with hours of not eating anything. It was terrible. If I’m going to be overweight I want it to be because I eat too much and not because some disease is preventing me from burning calories properly. I don’t expect to be 100 pounds like I was when I was young, but being older and more solid I might get down to the 120s. If I don’t, it still won’t kill me to stay in the 140s. 

Where it got scary was when I thought it was going to keep climbing and climbing and climbing. At barely 5 feet tall there’s only so much weight I can carry. 

It was also scary watching it fly off at record speed like it did last summer. Nobody should lose weight that fast. 

Either way, I’m not naturally heavy and I’m not naturally inactive, so if the “side effects” don’t kill me, then I guess there’s a chance I may be buying new clothes one of these days soon enough. The most important thing is keeping my heart from feeling like it’s going to jump out of my chest. 

As for the menopause, I would really like to get rid of my memory foam mattress. They may be ideal for cold climates, but not California. I just don’t know what to replace it with since almost everything has memory foam toppers these days. For now, I will just use the cover sheet without the blanket, and I will continue to have the fan going. 

Another transition I’m stuck in right now is the weather. If you live where you have big high-low fluctuations like we do which averages 30° between night and day, you can literally need both your heat and AC at certain times of the year. The days are nice but the nights are still cold. 

I forgot to write about the slave bracelet. A few days ago the question of the day on Ask was what we wear for jewelry. Andy said a slave bracelet. Curious to see what one looked like, I googled it and found it was a bracelet with a chain that goes to a ring. I decided I wanted one, so I picked out a slave bracelet and also a slave ankle bracelet on Amazon. Hope my hands and feet aren’t too small, but eh, they were cheap. My survey change paid for them. I thanked Andy for mentioning that even though I couldn’t picture him wearing one and he cracked up laughing because he said he simply made it up. LOL

So I was sitting here having my coffee and thinking how wonderful it would be if I never needed those rescue pills and then I realized that that would be too easy. Nothing is ever that easy for me. Nothing. 

Sure enough, I get in the shower and lather my hair with shampoo when my heart starts taking off on a mad race and beating hard as well. So I quickly rinsed my hair and jumped out of the shower without conditioning or shaving. I stood stock-still and took slow deep breaths and was able to slow my pulse down rather quickly without having to resort to the beta-blockers. 

I’m glad I was able to stop it so soon but I am very disappointed. Even if my logic told me that nothing should be this easy, especially if you’re me, it is still very discouraging. It makes me fear that the more the 75s build up in my system, the more problems I will have. So now I am not only afraid to work out when Tom is not home, but now I’m afraid to shower when he is not home. :( 

I’m documenting everything that happens and when it happens for my doctor. I just hope there is nothing else going on with me that has been overlooked, though I doubt it. A part of me wishes my endo was reading my blog regularly, but unless she is set up to dodge tracking, nobody in my area is following me, and nobody is that curious about their patient anyway, LOL. 

The good thing is that I don’t feel jittery or any negative emotions nor have I had the runs. Thank goodness I wasn’t on the bike at the time. Tom wonders if the hot shower simply shocked my system since it’s chilly again. I doubt it. The water wasn’t that hot, and if that were the case this would have happened for years. Dr. O said this can happen if you don’t have enough thyroid hormone in your body or if you have too much of it. Well, I certainly don’t have too much of it. Not even close. So I guess this is due to a lack of it. The only question is why I haven’t had this problem for years? My thyroid didn’t crap out on me the day before they diagnosed me with Hashimoto’s. It was a slow, gradual decline that took years. I just hope it doesn’t get worse as my TSH gets lower. As she explained, if I have a pocket of activity in the thyroid, that can cause this. But again, why since last summer and not long before? *sighs warily* I guess these things are destined to haunt me for the rest of my life. :( 

At least I slept better last night. I woke up a few times as usual but was able to go right back to sleep. I dreamed that I was walking down the road in which a penny sat upon every so many yards. I seemed to believe they were used as markers for a movie that was being made. 

In another dream, I was moving from somewhere and I asked a young black guy to store my things for me and his shed so that I would have more room to pack stuff up. Eventually, I gave him a couple of folding chairs but right as he was about to put them in his shed I stopped him and said, ”Never mind. I have plenty of room for those chairs.” 

Later… 

I first want to thank each and every one of my fellow Hashimoto followers who have been reading me and sharing their experiences with me on various blogging sites. Your stories, support and encouragement mean a lot to me, and I am glad if anything I can say helps others as well. Hugs to you all! 

Except for that quick “shower beat down” I feel fine. Just a little tired and discouraged. Tom is so sure that in just a matter of months, I’ll be healthier than I have been in the last decade, and I have been pretty healthy since I quit smoking in 1997. I hope he’s right! My sister says that too, once my body adjusts to the new dose. He said he was 75% sure that it was the shower and going from cold to hot. As he pointed out, things change with time and so our bodies may react in ways they didn’t react years ago. Even my thyroid alone is deader than it was a year ago. Well, I sure wish those bastard antibodies would finish killing it off completely so I don’t have to worry about pocket flares! 

I totally forgot about how the doctor mentioned that while it’s unlikely, there could be something else going on that we don’t know about. I sure hope that’s not the case! That’s the reason I have Tom go in with me; because he remembers what I’m too wound up to remember myself. But yeah, she said that if I ever have a racing heart that doesn’t stop even with the beta-blocker, call her right away and she’ll get me in for blood work. Then they will determine if an MRI is necessary to see if anything else is going on. Again, I really, really hope that’s not the case! I have learned way more than I ever wanted to about the endocrine system, and I don’t want to ever have to learn about some whole new disease until it’s my time to go. Well, at 49 I’m far from ready to go. 

I hope Tom is also right and that I will one day once again be able to go out alone running or biking without being afraid. We always prefer to work out together no matter what, but sometimes our schedules and other things come up and prevent him from going with me. I miss being out there in the middle of the night when all is dead and peaceful, especially during the warmer weather. But the last thing I want is to be a mile away from home at three in the morning when my heart decides to play with me. If I’m working out and then it starts racing, it doubles the speed of the racing. Then if anything causes me to panic I triple it and I certainly don’t want to do that. Sure do miss it, though. I got to know every crack and chip in these roads. I could run ‘em blindfolded. 

I almost feel like something up there is preventing me from fully enjoying my home AND the park, but I am determined to beat it at its own twisted game whether that’s the case or not! Still, where it was mostly money problems in Auburn, it’s health problems here… even if this shit disease probably began in my late 30s to early 40s. 

It isn’t all bad though, because my metabolism seems to have speeded up a bit. Not much but just a little. 

Along with a $500 bill for cutting out my ingrown toenail, my wall sticker silhouette of a figure skater arrived and I placed it on the wall opposite the entry to the kitchen. Another bigger one is on its way and it’s going opposite the laundry room door. 

We were talking about how we’re paying ourselves interest instead of the loan people by taking out loans from the 401K, paying ourselves back, and thus giving us more money for retirement in the end. 

We still have many home improvements we want to do along the way, and Tom said he wondered why some toilets flush faster than others and so he did some research. It has to do with the size of the tube that the flap is attached to. Ours flushes super slow and even Andy noticed that and said he’s never seen a toilet flush like that before. Well, that’s because the tube is really skinny. If you want a fast-flushing toilet that does a better job of flushing everything down, you need a fatter tube that dumps the water into the toilet bowl faster. So that’s something we’ll definitely look for when it comes time to replace these toilets.

While I’m thrilled to say there haven’t been any anxiety issues, going through menopause really sucks shit big time. I fell asleep just after midnight last night and woke up at 4:30. It took me two hours to finally fall back asleep, and I had to take a Benadryl to help me get there after Tom verified online that it would not be a problem with my other meds. I ended up getting up two hours later than expected. 

I thought my heart was going to start racing before I fell asleep and then as I was trying to fall back asleep this morning, but luckily for me I was okay. Right now I still feel relaxed enough, though tired. It would be a wonderful waste of money if I never needed that beta-blocker, but it still wouldn't surprise me if sooner or later my heart acted up and I need the rescue pills to come to the rescue. It's like having the bad heart that isn't, and like having my health decline even though I am the same healthy person that I have been for well over a decade so long as there are no medication issues. 

I hate how perimenopause is really messing with my sleep. While it may be better to have annoying and frustrating problems than scary ones, it still sucks. I want to do something about it so that I stop waking up so damn often, but I also don't want to add yet another appointment to my already too-long list of appointments. Most of the time I fall back asleep, but lately I am having more days where I am unable to and so I end up lying there for hours. If it weren’t for that, then menopause wouldn't be that big a deal. At least not yet. A little bit of going from warm to cold, prolonged PMS and delayed periods, but that's about it other than the sleeping issues. I should know by the first if my May 7th period is going to be late. 

In happier news, Andy is surprising me with something he promises I will love that he ordered online. This is to help take my mind off the medical stuff. Isn’t that just so damn sweet of him? 

Also, my good buddy Aly who just turned 34, let me know she’s just a text or a tweet away if I need anything. That is really sweet of her. I appreciate having such a wonderful support system. 

I am keeping in touch with my sister as well, and Tom offered to come home earlier if need be, but since I feel okay there’s no point in having him leave early. 

Irene says Nane hasn’t posted anything to her wall since January, and that she hasn’t heard from her since October. She is ignoring all her messages. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but a part of me feels bad because I wonder if it has to do with me. Nane knows we’re friends after all. Irene assured me that all was okay because she has enough friends, and I let her know that I would always be her friend. 

Either way, she cracks me up when we chat live or she writes to me with the way she mixes English with her German. Or tries to anyway. If I didn’t know this much German it would be very hard to communicate with her because her English is so limited. 

Still hear from Mitch and Christine at times, but I rarely hear from Adonis and Eileen.

Still no problems with the new medication dosage – yay! I’m not out of the woods yet, though. Far from it. It took 2.5 months to be a problem the first time I was on the 75s. I feel amazingly relaxed so far and if that’s the Prozac talking, fine. As long as I feel better! I am a bit nervous at the prospect of being alone tomorrow, though. 

I woke up warm a few times last night and for a minute there I was worried my heart was out of control again, but I was fine once I pushed the covers off of me and cooled off. Really wish memory foam hadn’t been invented, but I know that part of the waking up and being overheated was the menopause. 

Went for a short, slow bike ride and had no problems there either. 

Sometimes we ask ourselves why a certain thing is the way it is and we draw a complete blank. They don’t know for sure why some people get certain diseases any more than we know why most fears and phobias can eventually be overcome while most of us still have one or two that we just can’t seem to kick out of our lives. Why has driving always terrified me? I have never been in a car accident of any serious kind. Maybe in a past life? Not sure I believe in “past lives,” though. 

I once asked a therapist if I should keep trying to push myself to get past this particular fear. She said I did right by trying to overcome it the half a dozen or so times I tried to, but after so many tries it’s best to accept that it’s just part of who I am, we all have fears of some kind or another, and pushing myself too much on such a thing could only put my life as well as the lives of others in danger. I agree. The last thing I would want to do was panic on the road and kill myself and God knows who else. Besides, I’ve made it this far in life on foot, bikes, buses, and my husband’s car, so why change what works? 

I could probably overcome my fear of spiders by getting a pet tarantula and my fear of open heights by going bungee jumping or something like that, but the driving one is mine to keep, like it or not, and Tom and I are ok with that. Even if some others might not be despite the fact that it doesn’t affect or pertain to them. If I ever need a ride from anyone in the park here, I will make sure they are reimbursed by way of either cash or a favor. 

I couldn’t help but feel a spark of hope and even excitement over something he read that suggests they may soon have the answer to solving my type of sleep issues. They’re always doing experiments to find cures for things, as we know, and instead of the timing of when lights go on and off in order to help promote sleep at the proper times, they’re finding that color matters more than time. Switching the light to blue at night seems to help. Will have to look into it more as it is tested and hopefully developed enough so I can maybe get on schedule and get out there and work at least part-time even if it’s not financially necessary for me to do so with all he makes. That will be MY decision, though, when and if I am ever cured. Not society’s and not what’s “in” or “normal” or “acceptable” for a woman in the year 20-whatever. 

With my shit luck, though, I’ll be cured when I’m too old to work. The rolling of the schedule has at least slowed down a bit due to age. I used to sleep 10-12 hours fairly often, but now I rarely do. I’ve been sleeping the average 8 hours. If I could get it down to 6-7 that’d help a lot. 

I’ve lost thousands and thousands of dollars due to not being able to work cuz of this shit, and couldn’t qualify for disability cuz I am married, but mostly because I didn’t work enough when I was younger to qualify. It’s a totally twisted system. If one is disabled, they should get benefits whether they’ve worked a little, none at all, are married or single. But that’s one of the few things about modern-day marriages they still consider as “joint,” even though these days there is so, so much separatism within most marriages. But just like they wouldn’t give me food stamps if I had a shitty paying job thanks to Tom making good money, they wouldn’t give me disability with all he makes either. The biggest thing, though, is how little I worked in the past. It’s like that with unemployment too; the more you work, the more you qualify for. But disability should be different. At least I think they oughta change the laws on that. Especially when we have doctors that could vouch for us. 

Went to KFC yesterday and ended up walking out after no one would take our order. Part of that was because they were understaffed and the stupid kid that was dealing with orders had to correct some mistakes he made. 

So we walked around the corner to Little Caesars and ordered a small pizza, half mushroom for me, half pepperoni for him. He thought his was so good that he ate too much too fast and got an upset stomach. I had a dream he threw up, but he never did, so that’s good. I can’t usually eat more than two slices at once. 

I dreamed I was out walking someplace when I heard some other woman telling some people who had gathered about a crime she witnessed. I noticed that the criminal, another woman, was in the audience listening. “She’s so dead now for ratting her out,” I said to myself. 

I might’ve had another dream revolving around water. I don’t know if it was a lake or an ocean but I was in the water telling someone how much I’d love to live on a houseboat in Hawaii someday.

Someone was quick to remind me that whether or not there is a God up there, nothing is singling me out and picking on my health. After all, everybody gets something sooner or later. So if I were really being punished then nobody else would have any disease or health issues. Yeah, yeah I know, but it still sucks just the same until I get my body to tolerate the proper dose of thyroid meds. 

So far, so good. I took 5 mg of Prozac last night and it didn’t put me in a fog or anything like that. I might’ve had a slightly dry mouth and that was it. It’s just a temporary aid to take the edge off my anxiety while my thyroid meds are being worked out. Not something I’ll be on indefinitely. Unless I need anxiety meds for menopause or anything else, I hope to be taking just my thyroid meds by the fall and maybe – maybe – statins. We’re hoping that lowering my TSH will get me out of having to take statins. Doc O said the Prozac can take 2 weeks to really work at which time I shouldn’t, and therefore hopefully won’t, notice any changes for the worse. 

My first dose of 75 mcg of levothyroxine for this round began at 8am. If I can get past 4pm I’ll be a little more hopeful. Last time I made it to 8 hours and was just about to think I might be ok when a “heart attack” got me. The beta-blocker is on hand if my heart takes off on a run. As I told Tom, I’d prefer for that not to happen, but if it does, I hope he’s here so I can take the blocker with him around and not have to go it alone in case of adverse reactions. It’s a lot less scary to have any kind of a crisis with someone around versus when you’re all alone like when the first episode hit me last July. 

My only complaint so far today, which really isn’t a complaint, is that I’m a little tired. Probably cuz I had such a stressful week. I definitely do feel more relaxed than one would think I should feel considering what happened the last two times I was on the 75s. Tom thinks it’s going to work out this time, not just because of the tools I have on hand to help with “beat downs” this time around, but because they started me on 25s and then I was on the 50s longer, so my body had more time to get acclimated. The first time I was started on 50s and jumped to 75s in less than 3 months. 

For now… we’re going to KFC and hoping for the best!

Andy said his mother gets along very well with David’s wife and their daughter and she will basically ignore David while she’s there. She must still be really disappointed to have to return to that climate. She must also be grateful that she at least has several people with whom she can stay, even if she might not get along with all of them. Who could we ever stay with? 

Although Andy did wish me luck with the second appointment, I’m not surprised he told me he just skims the medical stuff in my journal because he doesn’t like to read medical stuff when he eats. But none of the medical stuff I’ve ever written is gory. I think it’s just because he’s not interested. He is as insensitive as he is compassionate. He has all the bleeding heart in the world for blacks when they were slaves, but no compassion whatsoever for people like Robin Williams. 

I am both fearful and hopeful for tomorrow. My fear is also turning to anger because I am sick to death of having to wake up and wonder if I will feel okay or if something scary will happen. I’m tired of fighting to get my body to tolerate the medication it needs. I’d still rather the symptoms of not enough thyroid hormone than any insane effects like I was having months ago, but it sure would be nice if I could have my cake and eat it too, by treating this disease properly without feeling like shit along away. 

The key is to stop worrying and questioning every little thing I feel. It’s a lot easier said than done at times, but like the doctor herself agreed, ignorance is sometimes bliss. She wouldn’t even go over the possible side effects of the new meds with me other than the obvious… Sluggishness. Hopefully, I won’t have to live in a fog in order to tolerate the medicine that my body needs. That was my fear of seeing a shrink like my old doctor recommended. I didn’t want to become a zombie just to get healthier. I do want to treat the anxiety, however. 

So tonight I begin the new chill pill and then tomorrow it’s up to 75 mcgs. Fingers crossed! 

My dreams are turning negative again and I really hope that’s not a bad sign right there. It sure could be for Charlotte, though. I had two dreams in which I was told she was “missing.” Natalie was one of the informants. It was nighttime and I was running along a path that threaded its way between some buildings. There were lots of trees and shrubbery along the way and I’m guessing they may have been apartment buildings or condos or something like that. 

I spotted Natalie sitting just outside her door. The light beside her door illuminated her just enough for me to recognize her. I stopped, doubled back, jogged up to her, and said “Natalie? Is that you?” She looked up at me and I said, “It’s me, Jodi.” 

In another dream, I might have been telling somebody that I had no place to live and nothing to eat. Not a very happy dream at all.