I wish I could say that 2015 was ending on a good note, but instead, it is ending on a horrible note. I am filled with fear, doubt, and worry galore and have made another appointment with Dr. L. 

My PCP is going to start me on Lexapro for my anxiety, which is persistent and intense nearly every day now. It is absolutely horrible. Had anyone told me that they could feel this way for no reason at all, I would have simply laughed. Any time I've ever felt emotional in the past it was for a specific reason and I understood what that reason was. That reason may have seemed very depressing and even a little scary, but it didn't seem nearly as terrifying and as hopeless as this does. 

To add to my anxiety, Doc A warned me that this drug does have side effects and that not everybody responds to it well. It can make my anxiety worse, she said for the first couple of weeks, including suicidal thoughts, and may take up to 4 weeks before I notice any difference if I can get that far without having to stop the medication and contact her. The thought of becoming any more anxious than I already am is utterly batshit terrifying! I think I would definitely end up in the looney bin for damn sure. 

The problem is I'm alone so damn much. I don't want Tom to throw away his job, though, and all he’s worked for (he just got an award of excellence), and ultimately risk us losing the house all because his wife has turned into a basket case. 

My PCP said anxiety is a medical disorder and from what I read it has to do with transmitters in the brain going awry. I guess we all have chemicals in the brain and mine’s putting out too much adrenaline or whatever it is that makes us feel panic and fear. Something like that, anyway. What the hell “broke” my brain, I don’t know, but SSRI drugs are supposed to block some of that. 

I am just so terrified of trying this new medication, yet I feel I have no choice. The lorazepam is only helping so much. I haven't slept through the night in ages without either waking up, with or without my heart racing. It’s been absolutely terrible. I'm so afraid that this is the new me and that I'm going to suffer from this for the rest of my life in which case, I don't think I can stand to do so. There are people who believe that if God leads you to it, then He’ll get you through it. Oh yeah? Well, God led that reporter to ISIS and He certainly didn't get him through it, did He? I'm smart enough to know that sometimes we really do get more than we can handle in life and 

I worry that this is going to be one of them. I also worry about the trip. I was first starting to think we should maybe cut the cruise part of the trip out and just see my sister in FL, but now I worry I may not even survive to do that much, I feel so bad. 

Last night, Tom got up from napping at 9pm (he managed to work today, though he is still very sick with what we now suspect was the flu and not a cold. I wondered as much just because of how draining it was on me). He was worried about me, knowing I’d be stressed. I cried on his shoulder for a while, and then emotionally I felt better (despite sleeping shitty) until around 6:00 this evening. An hour later I took my lorazepam. I couldn’t even get through my entire Bowflex routine with my heart racing. I then did Stacey’s breathing exercise, but if this is a medical issue and not something “eating” at me, then I don’t see how those will help much. I still do them anyway. She’s the expert and she told me to do them, so I “hit the floor on my tummy” for 10 minutes twice a day like a good girl. I’m not saying none of this is psychological. If it weren’t, then Tom’s presence wouldn’t calm me down. 

Ugh, I wish Tom were awake now as I just want to run into his arms! I want to run to my big sis, too. *wipes tears* But sometimes I fear I won’t survive long enough. She left me a message today and said a friend suggested contacting the media about our 24-year reunion, which was kinda funny. But we’ve always known about each other. The media’s more into stories about lost siblings, etc. that were separated when they were adopted or something like that. We couldn’t just tell the media, “Well, our mother was a bitch who pitted family members against other family members, our dad was spineless, and we all stopped talking for many years until they croaked.” 

Back to my pity party… I miss the old me so much! The one who hasn't been afraid to be alone since she was a kid. 

Tom looked online at the various SSRI medications, including the Prozac, which I had suicidal thoughts on and had to stop, and compared the chemical makeup of these different drugs. Prozac seems to have a little of everything, but Lexapro seems to have only a little of one thing and he believes it's the most promising in the mildest. She's only starting me on 5 milligrams. That doesn't mean I'm any less terrified. I have always been prone to side effects. 

Yet I have to do something. I am struggling with everything. Working out has become a struggle. Cleaning has become a struggle. Sleeping has become a struggle. Even writing has become a struggle. I'm sleeping much longer because my sleep is so disturbed. The only good in this is that I have lost a little weight since my appetite is down. 

If there is a God, and I highly doubt it, please let next year be better! Please bring me back to myself! My energetic, confident, secure self who may be a worrywart at times, and who may get angry and stressed out, but who is never afraid to be alone. Or just afraid for no apparent reason. Please let me survive 2016!

I don’t have a more positive update to make this time, but I do have a more interesting and promising one. 

First, though, my niece Sarah had a seizure while with her mother at the grocery store yesterday. How terrifying it must’ve been! She was at the checkout when she had to be taken away by ambulance. I don’t believe in prayer, but I believe in at least being thankful she wasn’t alone when it happened, and hopeful that her new medication helps her. 

My anxiety was through the roof last night, though my heart was never racing. You know that saying about butterflies in your stomach? Well, that’s exactly what it felt like. I could feel waves of adrenaline push up from the pit of my stomach and up into my chest and even my face, causing my lips to tingle. It’s the same kind of fear you would suddenly feel if you were walking down the street and were suddenly faced with a big mean-looking dog. 

I cried on Tom’s shoulder and while this helps make me feel better, I also felt guilty because he has the same cold I had and I’m sure he doesn’t need this right now as patient as he is. 

I am now taking the lorazepam more as prescribed, which basically means every 12 hrs. Even if I don’t feel that anxious, I don’t want to wait and let myself get there. 

I’m also still waking up overheated and with a racing heart which calms down after a few minutes. This one I’m not sure is connected to whatever’s causing my “artificial fear.” I wonder if this could be the perimenopause. I sleep with just a thin blanket, nothing but my panties, drop the temp to 68°, and I still wake up hot and with a racy heart. 

My gut feeling has always been that whatever is going on with me is physiological as opposed to psychological, not that I’m not against exploring psychological possibilities and ways to help myself with Stacy. Yet my endo has told me my labs don’t indicate that I could have these symptoms, and my adrenaline test that was done through bloodwork shows that I do not overproduce adrenaline. Still, I find it awfully hard to believe this is all about “something eating at me.” 

As I was lying in bed thinking (lorazepam makes you drowsy and so I have to lay down periodically for a few minutes) my mind suddenly flashed back 10 years ago when we were living in Oregon and really struggling big-time financially. I’m not normally the superstitious type. Yes, there are psychics who can sometimes know the unknown and have dream premonitions. It’s happened to me. It’s harder to believe the things you haven’t experienced firsthand, like ghosts, for example. I’ve never seen one personally so I wonder if it’s people’s imagination, though I admit I don’t know it all. Regardless… one night in 2005 Tom read about a spell online. It only takes a few minutes to perform it by using regular household items that aren't supposed to make your life perfect but are supposed to improve it and stop the extremes, as in the really bad things from happening. 

When Tom asked me to help him perform the spell I just laughed and almost passed. But knowing that we had absolutely nothing to lose, I got up and assisted with the simple formula and performed the spell with him. It requires a small bowl of water in which you pour three drops of oil. Then you stick the eye of a small needle through the eye of a bigger needle and drop it into the bowl. While one of you sprinkles salt the other cuts at it with scissors as you both chant, “Eyes against eyes, return to sender.” 

Just five months after performing the spell Tom got a huge promotion which was considered great money for being in the tiny cheap town of Klamath Falls, Oregon. Many other good things started happening as well. I was entering sweeps and winning like crazy. 

Wondering if it might not hurt to try to reapply the spell, we performed it again last night. Although I didn’t sleep well, I felt calmer for the rest of the night. 

When I got up, I almost dreaded checking my comments on Prosebox. See, part of the reason I keep the negative entries private is that I don’t want to depress or worry anybody, and I also don’t want confusing, conflicting, or unwanted advice that I’m already aware of. 

However, a long-time reader and friend suggested I may have an adrenal imbalance. My first thought was… but they just tested for that via bloodwork and said I don’t overproduce. Next? 

But then I went on to read her talk about how while she acknowledges that she’s not a doctor, a blood test for cortisol levels doesn’t accurately diagnose adrenal insufficiency. The only way to map out my cortisol is with a saliva test, and she gave me a link to a home testing kit on Amazon. 

Not that I don’t appreciate all the advice my readers have given me, but I can’t deny that this one sounds the most promising of all. If the labs come up with anything, they will send it back to me and I can take it to my endo.  She said not to bother with our insurance because I would end up paying more that way. Fortunately, it’s legal in my state. It’s only illegal in New York and Maryland. She said adrenal imbalances are common with those with hypothyroidism and are overlooked by Western medicine. I guess there are supplements you can take if you have this problem. 

Well, I’m willing to try anything. ANYTHING to stop this horrible anxiety. Even when my heart isn’t racing I feel the same kind of fear one would feel if they were suddenly faced with something that scares them like heights or giant spiders. It’s awful. I just want to get back to myself so bad. I want my sleep back. I want my life back. 

So Tom and I read up on it and decided it was worth the $140 to find out. If this isn’t the case, maybe I can ask my PCP to do other types of hormonal testing on me. If I’m entering perimenopause, that right there might be a factor. If all else fails, I guess I either take less levothyroxine and more anxiety meds. *sighs with frustration* I just want to figure it out, whatever it is… like yesterday. 

Met with a different instructor, Ruthann, and group of aerobics buddies down at the clubhouse just after 4:30. Damn, was the walk down there cold! There were 8 of us, including the instructor. This time we didn’t follow the instructor herself, but we followed a video. The video was fun and fairly easy. It would have been perfect for Tom had he not been in bed with a cold. 

One woman had really nice long hair like I had years ago. I recognized her from the pool last summer. Her name is Debbie. Her hair didn’t cover her ass like mine did, but it covered her back. She said she’s cutting part of it off. I remember how easy it was after a while to get sick of. The weight of it, the care of it, and the way it would get in the way of things. 

Anyway, I had to cut class midway. The same thing happened when I started to get really warm and anxious feeling. I was actually grateful for the coldness during the walk back. Ruthann said they do this Monday through Wednesday. 

I felt the same anxiety press up from my gut and into my chest and had to take a lorazepam an hour earlier than planned.

I wish I could say all is well, and that’s exactly what it would be if it weren’t for this anxiety, which has been horrible lately. I never would’ve thought one could feel so bad when their life was so good. My life isn’t any more perfect than the next person’s, and yes, it gets noisy here during the daytime, blah, blah, blah… but I have a beautiful home in a beautiful neighborhood, and I’m in relatively good health with a husband who loves me unconditionally. 

Yet here I sit, day after day, trying to figure out where all this anxiety is coming from. My endo said that since thyroid levels don’t change daily yet I’m not anxious every day, she doesn’t think it’s solely the medication, and Tom agrees with her. My gut’s initial reaction was to believe otherwise since I never had problems with this insane degree of anxiety till levothyroxine entered my life… BUT… then why did I go all those months without incident? Plus, according to my 2014 journal, I quit the levothyroxine on Aug. 23rd after they put me on 75s for the first time, and wasn’t restarted on 25s till Nov. 27th. Yet well into November, long after the stuff would have left my system, I was anxious here and there. 

Tom also wonders if something could suddenly be eating at my subconscious that Stacey can help me figure out, though I can’t imagine what. He said it could be something that happened to me 48 years ago for all we know. Oh, great. So with 50 years’ worth of experience, how do you figure that one out? Wouldn’t that be like trying to find a needle in a haystack if that’s the case? 

I don’t know what to think anymore. Why would something from my past, if that were the case, suddenly decide to eat at my subconscious and make me anxious and afraid to be alone? Tom says that with my history I’m a therapist’s goldmine to try to decipher and figure out. 

I keep going back and forth between the meds being the current cause, and what happened with the meds traumatizing me into carrying on the anxiety myself. But then why did I catch a few months of peace if I’m now anxious about how it once made me anxious? And if my labs never showed numbers that could produce such symptoms, as Doc O said, then why am I having them? Yes, I’ve been calm for months at a time on this dose, but I’ve had problems on this dose, too. If the meds and anxiety truly are unrelated, then the timing was a helluva coincidence, almost seemingly designed that way to confuse me even more. 

If it is the meds, then I would probably once again become tolerant to it over time like I did before just as long as we don’t go making any more changes. Nothing against Doc O, but trying me on 88s was a horrible idea in the end. It’s like it threw everything off. I’d just found the perfect balance and now everything’s been turned upside down, inside out. 

If it isn’t the meds, then we could be looking at any number of things. I mean there would be a million possibilities in that case. 

My symptoms vary. Sometimes I’ll feel anxious and my heart will race, and other times I’ll just feel anxious or my heart will just race. The emotional part of it is annoying and frustrating as hell, but when my heart gets in on the action, it becomes terrifying. No matter how much you tell yourself you won’t die and that it can’t kill you, you still want to run to someone in fear. 

Finally fed up, I messaged Doc A to ask what she could recommend for a daily regimen and how it may affect me (positively and negatively). I hate how tired the lorazepam leaves me, but it’s better than being anxious. 

I have never had a problem this complex and this scary before. I only hope to hell it gets resolved before I either end up in a loony bin or Tom has to quit his job to be with me more often. This park may not always be peaceful and our house may be 33 years old, but we do like the park and we love the house and would like to stay here till we leave the state altogether. His having to quit his job, as much as I love knowing that he would and that I’m more important to him, could leave us with even more problems in the end than we started with. I’m losing my mind. That’s enough. We both don’t need to lose our home, too. Money can’t buy health and happiness or fix all our problems, but it sure can help keep us more comfortable while we’re trying to get better. If he quit his job, I don’t know that I could keep the same doctors. I’d hate to have to start all over again with a new team, so quitting is a very last resort.

This entry will be so depressing I might keep it private, especially since my thoughts are getting darker. My anxiety is coming and going, and just like Stacey said, the lorazepam doesn't always help. I can't sleep, I'm anxious as hell, and my appetite is down. Can't complain about the last one, but I would rather feel good and have to worry about not overeating. 

I'm so fed up and frustrated with this shit that I am about ready to tell my PCP to go ahead and start a daily regimen and just hope there are no dangerous effects from it. I would rather be tired all the time than feel anxious. 

I messaged Doc O to ask her if she's absolutely sure there's no way that the 75s could now become a problem. I know I did well on this dose for 5 or 6 months throughout the summer, but maybe I wasn't pocket-flaring then and maybe I am now. That's what I want to find out. I need her to tell me if that’s possible or not so that I can either rule out the medication as a possibility or do something about the medication. I skipped it today. 

I'm really wondering how the hell I'm going to handle the cruise. If my heart keeps racing me awake every couple of hours I'm not going to have the energy to go on fun excursions. May have to cut the cruise part of the trip out and just see Tammy for a few days. If I'm sitting on her couch yawning, so what? But if I'm parasailing or snorkeling or shopping or whatever, I would like to be awake for that. 

Two nights in a row now I have had my heart race me awake and I know damn well it’ll do it again tonight. I was anxious all last night and finally, I had to take lorazepam, which caused me to crash a couple of hours earlier than I wanted to, but the anxiety was just too much for me. I'm trying to do Stacy's breathing exercises but they're just not helping. I’m trying to keep busy but sometimes I just want to lay in bed and cry or at least just feel sorry for myself as I continue to worry about how long this will go on, what’s causing it, and what can fix it. 

I woke up anxious today at 10:00 and then it came and went in waves and dissipated around 1:00. Just like last night, though, it reared back up shortly after my very sick husband went to bed. I still have traces of the cold in my head and a slight cough, but it’s 95% gone. He only did 8 hours today that’s how miserable he feels. Unlike me, he even has a bit of a fever. At least he’ll get better. I may never get better. That’s a tough pill to swallow to think I may have to live with this anxiety on and off for the rest of my life. I won’t let myself suffer like that. I swear I won’t. If the doctors can’t help me and death is the only way out, then I may seriously consider it. Nothing I have ever gone through in my life was this tough. Nothing. And I’ve had my share of rough moments. 

Why is this happening??? How can this suddenly be “normal” for me if Tom’s so sure it’s not the pills??? How can this simply be me being anxious over what the 88s did??? I just don’t get this new and horrible me. Wish Doc O would hurry up and get back to me, but I probably won’t hear from her for a day or two. 

I just want to scream and cry in frustration at times. I miss my old self so, SO much!!! Remember how I said my perfect vision would be the one thing I would take back if I could? I was wrong. I want my calmness back. I want to go back to being able to sleep at night or whenever I happen to sleep. And I also want to go back to not being afraid to be alone. Even when I'm not alone I still experience waves of anxiety that I feel both physically and emotionally and it just sucks. I totally miss the me that had no clue what this was like. That only knew what it was like to have stress and worries, but not downright waves of fear and panic. I would soooo rather be dirt poor, stuffed back in Jesse’s little shitbox away from civilization and totally in the dark as to what it means to feel this way. I try transporting myself back there, but nothing I do seems to help. 

Just like Jesse’s mutts stole my ability to truly enjoy what country living is supposed to be all about, this anxiety is preventing me from enjoying my life here to the fullest. I miss the days when my biggest problems were other people’s noise, earaches, and little things like that. 

My crazy schedule has only gotten crazier. Like I said, even when it wasn’t predictable, it still was. Now it’s gotten much harder to gauge when I’ll be getting up because the constant wake-up calls are throwing everything off, causing me to have to sleep longer.

Still getting over my cold and still have a lot to write about. Unfortunately, Tom did get hit with it after all. Aw, just when we thought he’d escape it, too. :( He started feeling “off” last night and is lying down now. This is something I definitely have mixed emotions about. I love the idea of him spending more time at home if he needs to call out of work, but hate to see him suffer. It really gets you on the third or fourth day. 

I hope Stacey didn’t get it either. Speaking of her… I can now quickly go over what we discussed. She didn’t remember me when I called her the day before our meeting, but once she pulled up my file and saw me, she remembered me from last May. So much for swearing I’d only see her once, as I jokingly said to her. You would think by now I’d have learned that A, one should never say never. And B, never assume something’s over for good. 

Like anxiety attacks. Yeah, that shit I still deal with on and off. Haven’t had any major attacks since last Tuesday, but my heart did race me awake following a gruesome nightmare (I’ll get to that later) and I took a lorazepam to help me get back to sleep for the first time since Wednesday or Thursday night. 

I know some have wondered if it could be my thyroid medication, but the doctors, Stacey, Tom and I are sure it’s not because I went months on 75s without incident and then there’s what the numbers say. On 88s I was on the low end of normal. On 75s I’m on the high end of normal. Also, when you’re having trouble due to levothyroxine the symptoms are both relentless and brutal. I had a lot of other symptoms when I was “T4 storming” that I’m not having now like lung tightness and other things. Plus, if it were the medication, it wouldn’t give me a few days off here and there. You just don’t get breaks when that’s the case. It’s also unlikely to be the thyroid itself because the thyroid is being treated. 

We believe this is anxiety caused by the anxiety that the meds originally were indeed responsible for on the higher dose. It was the most terrifying experience of my life that was truly torturous and traumatizing. It wasn’t something that was just “annoying” or “uncomfortable.” It was utterly horrifying and unmanageable. That’s why my dose was lowered. But the memories and the PTSD are still there, so when I’m alone or when I feel the slightest feeling I find strange, the anxiety has a chance to rear up. 

I am hopeful that my “trauma training” with Stacey will help keep me from needing a daily anti-anxiety regimen. She and Tom both feel it won’t come to that and I hope they’re right. Sometimes I just don’t have the kind of confidence in myself that others have. I’m human. I have good and bad days both physically and emotionally like anyone else, and sometimes life gives me a little bit more than I can bear. It’s frustrating and even depressing too, because my life would be so ideal if it weren’t for this awful on-and-off, highly unpredictable anxiety. Even though there are times I know it’s more likely to bite, it’s still unpredictable. It can get you anytime, anyplace, no matter what good or bad may be going on at the moment. That’s the scary part. The asthma attacks I suffered regularly when I smoked were much more straightforward and obvious. Even living in poverty was a no-brainer as stressful as it was, but this is much more complex. There is no simple cause and cure. 

Backing up a bit… traffic into Rocklin wasn’t bad at all when we went to see her. On the elevator, a young, tall slim (doctor or nurse?) with a blond ponytail made friendly chatter with us about the weather. She sort of reminded me of Alyssa. 

The waiting room was dead and we didn’t have to wait long at all. The first time I saw Stacey I was impressed with how much more knowledgeable she seemed than Dana, and I was even more so the second time around. Another new “trick” I learned from her was the importance of breathing through my diaphragm versus my chest. This is relatively simple for one who’s had singing lessons. Even Tom gets this much being a trombonist in the Air Force once upon a time. She wants me to lie on the floor for ten minutes twice a day to help reinforce this type of breathing (because it’s impossible to breathe into your chest this way) which is to help prevent hyperventilation and use up the adrenaline quicker. Light activity can help with that too, but the hardest part, as she pointed out, is resisting the urge to basically hunker down. You want to hide under your covers, but you also want to run for help, too. Fighting the body’s fight-or-flight response is the ultimate challenge. No matter how much your logic knows you’re not in danger, you totally react as if you’re definitely doomed to die. 

She did say a couple of things that weren’t exactly fun to hear. She pointed out that one could go ten years without an attack just to be hit with one after all that time. Once you get an unfortunate taste of these things, you’re never guaranteed to be forever free of them. All you can do is hope to lessen them and cope with them better. I could live another 30 or 40 years, so to think of being under the threat of these things that long is a bit disappointing. On the bright side, they say that just like all good things come to an end, so do the bad things. So hopefully, just like other problems I’ve had in life were resolved some way or another, this one will be too. She gave me a site to go to that has a self-help course. 

The only other unnerving question she asked was if I trust my doctors to be thorough and not overlook any possible heart issues. They better be! But yeah, I think I trust them. With all the different doctors who have listened to my heart and who know my family medical history, someone would’ve caught something by now if something were amiss. 

Daily medication is still an option but due to how drowsy and habit-forming that can be, I’d still prefer to give Stacey a little more time to help me help myself and just use the lorazepam as needed. If I’m still having problems after the trip, then I’ll consider a daily plan. God, I hope I don’t have problems then! But I’d be more worried about my sleep than actually having an anxiety attack while I was awake. 

I removed the flannel sheets from the bed and put the regular ones back on, since the flannels keep you warmer and I overheat enough as it is with the damn memory foam topper, even with a so-called cooling mattress pad. I think part of my heart racing me awake has to do with overheating and not just anxiety. Maybe even the perimenopause. Again, that’s what makes this so tough is that it’s a very complex thing. There’s usually not just one cause/cure. 

As he was pulling out to go to the store yesterday one did start to get me, but fortunately, I stopped it within seconds. Same thing… I started to feel really warm and a bit shaky, I ripped off my robe, and then I took slow deep breaths with my tummy. I just wondered if I’d have been able to stop it that fast had my mind known he wouldn’t be back in less than an hour and would be gone all day. So yeah, I’m a bit worried about him returning to work tomorrow as well as how I’ll sleep tonight. Hopefully, I’ll sleep in a bit so I won’t be aware of being alone for as many hours. 

I still shake my head in disbelief at times. I can’t believe I’m dealing with this shit. I never had this before last year. I have always loved spending time alone. I focus and work better on things that way. But now I’d rather have someone around even if they were the type that can’t shut up and was always distracting me. 

Anyway, I still have more to write about, but this entry’s kinda long, so I’ll sign off by saying that traffic on the way back was a nightmare! Really, why do people have to creep just because there are more than just a few cars on the road? 

Later… 

With the trip being about a month away, we were looking online at different excursion options. We’re taking a loan out from the 401K and allotting ourselves 6K. We’re thinking we’ll do mostly ocean activities in Cozumel and Roatán. Then when we return to Mexico we’ll mostly shop in the town of Majahual, which Tom can’t pronounce to save his life, haha. 

I’m sure we’ll snorkel like we did in Maui and Lanai, but they have this really cool “personal” submarine where you wear what looks like a space helmet and you ride around underwater on what looks like a little motorcycle of sorts. The water only comes up to your chest. That’s $75. For $100 you can go parasailing, but I’m not sure I fancy the idea of being 600’ above water. We just might go for it, though. It’s not every day that we get the chance to visit the Caribbean Sea of Central America. Honduras is Central America, anyway. I glanced at the surrounding countries on Google Maps. Guatemala, Nicaragua, El Salvador, and Belize are some of the neighboring countries. 

For $500 you can rent your own private boat for 4 hours and enjoy catamaran sailing, snorkeling, etc. So there are lots of possibilities. 

The new kettle I got from Prime Now works great. Love how the drivers are GPS’d so you can see exactly where they are in real time. 

Next door had more company than I’ve ever known them to have, but they were quiet. All I heard was people getting in and out of their cars. If this were Phoenix with the freeloaders next to us we’d also have hours and hours of screaming kids, basketball games, barking dogs, blasting music, shouting adults and trash and traffic galore all within 15’ or less of our windows. 

Now for last night’s brutal dream. This wasn’t the usual nightmare I have that deals with captivity, poverty and even medical drama in light of my own recent ordeal. Instead, I was in a swimming pool on what appeared to be a college campus. There was a good-sized grassy hill in front of the building and the pool was by the front corner of this area. I was the only one in the pool for some reason. It went from day to night in seconds and I decided to get out of the water now that I could no longer see the few bees that were floating about its surface. Clusters of students were still scattered about the hillside. 

Then a bright light suddenly came on that rotated in circles. This was on the opposite front corner. I knew right away something bad happened, but it took a moment or two before I spotted some people lifting a vehicle off a young black girl. She was bleeding horribly and I realized the poor thing might not make it. 

This was the first time I awoke overheated and with my heart pounding. I had to take a lorazepam to relax enough to fall back asleep. 

From there on out it was just snippets of senseless stuff… Tom and I in a tiny pizza parlor… Tom annoying the blond chick behind the counter by mashing a marshmallow into the head of a nail… me going outside to get something from the wrong car… me nearly running into a black girl who joked about something I didn’t hear… and then him asking me to be sure I could find our lottery ticket if we won on the 5th.

To say I’m getting behind in my writing is a bit of an understatement, but now that I’m starting to get over this cold, I can start catching up. I just may not get to cover all I want to cover this time around. 

Got a wonderful surprise in the mail from my Midwestern buddy today! Japanese Cherry Blossom body spray, purple glitter nail polish, and a sparkly little makeup bag that will be great for the trip. Everything was packed and wrapped beautifully, and the card she enclosed was adorable as well. Anyone who knows me knows I love smelly things and can never get enough glitter, shine, sparkle and bright colors. 

I’m still way too exhausted to write about my visit with Stacey, but I’m able to stay up longer and longer. For a while there all I did was sleep. My ears still haven’t drained completely, so I can still feel the cold in my head. Still coughing a bit, but not much. Not much sneezing either. I just hope Stacey didn’t catch this and I really hope Tom won’t be hit with it next either! The first few days seem like no big deal, then it just sucks the juice right outa you. And talk about going from warm to cold, which I do enough of the time anyway! Never did have a fever, though. 

Hopefully, the quality of my sleep will start improving. Even though I don’t have a schedule, for the most part, I also do have one at the same time. But when the cold was at its worst my sleep was horribly erratic. At least most of the time I have some idea of when I’ll be sleeping/awake. It’s waking up and not being able to fall back asleep that gets old. Not being able to stay asleep is one thing, but when I can’t go back to sleep versus waking up for just a second or two, it really messes me up. 

Amazon Prime Now is way cool. In less than two hours I got some popcorn, some blueberries, and a new kettle to replace the one that broke.

My “mild” cold turned into the cold from hell and I’ve been sleeping pretty much since Wednesday night. It has totally sucked the energy right out of me. I guess that due to not having a cold in so many years, my body just forgot how to deal with them. All I want to do is sleep. I just cannot wake up. And when I am up, it isn’t for long. My head is completely stopped up. I yawned shortly before going to see Stacey a couple of days ago (I don’t yet have the energy to write about that) and my ears popped for a moment but they’ve been stuck like glue ever since. 

My mind and body are at odds with one another. My mind says, “Get up! Do more blogging. Run on the treadmill. Do some coloring. Hit the Bowflex. Do some laundry. Watch a movie. Enter some sweeps.” 

But my body says, “Screw you. Just lay around and be lazy.” 

I get free samples every now and then and one of the things I got recently are these lavender-scented breathing strips you stick across the bridge of your nose. Never had scented ones before. I jokingly said to Tom, “They almost make me wish I had a stuffy nose.” 

Be careful what you wish for! 

If my body didn’t have the threshold it has where it won’t let its weight drop under a certain weight, I’d have probably lost close to 10 pounds by now. I’ve only been able to have a few bites of food here and there. Tom has been wonderful. He cooked for me and helped me out a lot. This is the first time, however, that I got sick and he didn’t. Usually, it’s the other way around.

I want my old self back, but I realized like never before that she’s just not returning. No matter what I do, my old self is gone forever. I have an appointment to meet with Stacy today. She's the counselor that I liked better than Dana. Saw her last May and she didn’t remember me when we spoke on the phone yesterday. That’s ok. I only saw her once and I know she sees many people. She’ll probably remember me when she sees me if she hasn’t already by pulling up my file. 

I also notified my PCP about the anxiety and she said that she hoped that seeing Stacey would help and if not they could put me on regular maintenance anxiety medication if need be. I think I just might need that for a while. I'm just hesitant after what happened with the Prozac. 

Anyway, yesterday was terrifying and horrible. My heart raced even a little bit with the lorazepam. My anxiety was through the roof that I had to have Tom come home early which brought mixed emotions. I was grateful to have him here because that helped calm me down, but then I felt guilty and worried about jeopardizing his job. He said he's not worried about layoffs, though this would pretty much guarantee to scrap any future promotions and raises. Yeah, that's something God would do... Use my health to screw his job. Funny too, because the older I get the more atheist I become. Yet at the same time, I truly feel - unless I'm just paranoid as fuck - that something up there is hell-bent on torturing me with my health. It can't do it with money right now, so it's using my health. I swear it wants me to go through one long-term problem after another. If it isn't the freeloaders, it's money, and if it wasn't my health, what would it be then? 

Words cannot express just how frustrating this is! Sometimes I wonder if I can survive till the vacation or if I'll even wanna go on living afterward. The biggest question is what the hell is causing the anxiety??? These are the same symptoms I had when I had high thyroid, yet logically speaking there's no way the numbers could say that’s the case. Is it possible that it might never have been connected to the medication and that it was just a helluva coincidence that it started after starting the meds? And all despite other complaints out there saying the same thing? Might I have gotten this even if I had never been diagnosed with Hashimoto's? I just don't know what to think anymore. Or did it start with the medication and then become a psychological thing caused by my worrying? And why does it come and go? Why did I have warning signs when I was on the 88s, then why did it suddenly sneak up on me when I was in a perfectly calm mood on 75? I just don't get it. 

From what I read, one doesn't usually develop anxiety disorders this late in life unless they're connected to something medical. So is it just my thyroid itself? I asked Tom; if it was my thyroid, then why didn't these beatdowns happen before I was diagnosed and medicated? He said because my body got used to the low thyroid. Yeah well, I wonder if I might have to let it get used to that again and stop the meds altogether. That's not a decision I've made yet. I just hate to invite the unmasked symptoms back, but they're a lot easier to tolerate than feeling like you're having a heart attack and terrified out of your mind. 

Anyway, today I really feel my cold. My throat isn't as sore but my voice is very hoarse, I’m run down, and my head feels congested even though I don’t have a runny nose. Just some sneezing and coughing. It's been mild overall. I wouldn't have had to call out sick had I worked outside of home. 

I've decided that I'm sick of sitting around at home even though I keep myself busy here. I'm going to go down to the clubhouse in a little over an hour and watch the step aerobics. My PCP said yoga, daily walks and meditation help, but I do exercise nearly every single day. Maybe in different ways, but it's not like I'm not physical. 

When I was in Valleyhead and jail and constantly forced to interact with nothing but people, people, people, and almost never alone for more than a few hours, I longed to lock myself alone in a room for days. All I wanted was to be alone. I looked so forward to it because I felt so smothered by the hundreds of people I dealt with. Even just by my husband when he was on unemployment month after month, year after year. I just wanted some space. Now I'm just the opposite. Being alone terrifies me and that's not right. I shouldn't have to feel this way. I should look just as forward to being alone as I do spending time with my husband. I'm tired of this thing running and ruining my life, and if there is anything up there doing this to me, I totally hate its fucking guts. I'm going from scared to mad, not that I'm not still plenty scared. It's terrifying when the adrenaline suddenly pours through you like a waterfall and your heart starts pumping faster and faster, harder and harder. 

Later… 

I’ve been meaning to bitch about this days ago, but while I adore my friend Alison and she has continued to be a great support, but also drives me crazy at times with her clinginess, her demands, and her reading things in that aren't there. I can't even say the simplest, most innocent of statements without knowing if she's going to misconstrue my words. 

The other day I asked her if she has come to like living with her parents or if she would still like a place of her own. For that I get, “That kind of hurts that you would say that as you know it takes time to save for an apartment and I've only been nannying for four months.” 

Now why in the world would she think I would intentionally say something hurtful or offensive? I was simply asking what she preferred regardless of what money she had saved. 

She said her iron levels were dangerously low the other day and wonders if that's what made her suicidal. Either way, just like I would say about Andy, I sometimes wish she would have less free time or get a boyfriend. She almost had one but from what she said, Leon dumped her for the same reasons that drive me crazy. She was too demanding. 

Later… 

Aerobics was fun. I'm trying to find a better "people/solitude balance." I don’t want to be smothered by nothing but people, people, people, but I’d like to mingle a bit more given that I work at home and Tom doesn’t. It’s about time we took advantage of more amenities here other than just the pool and spa anyway. It’s nice to enjoy what many people have to pay for. 

With me being younger than most folks here, I thought they'd pretty much ignore me, but they were very friendly. In fact, they welcomed me with open arms. Literally. LOL, they like to start their little get-togethers off with a hug, so I got a few hugs from the half a dozen or so ladies that were there. I just wish I didn’t have such shitty vision with or without glasses. 

Anyway, the only two names I remember are Nancy and Claire. All were older and all-gray. Nancy was the only one close to me in age and without the gray. They meet Tuesday – Friday and do a variety of exercises both in the mornings and the afternoons. The instructor, in her 80s and a wonderful inspiration, said they used to have 35 people per class but it’s dwindled over time. 

Probably because of how easy it’s gotten to work out at home. Even though we have the Bowflex and the treadmill, variety is still nice. It’s nice to run in the fresh outdoor air at times when it’s not too cold, hot or raining, and it’s still fun to work out with others as well. 

So we worked out with the instructor leading the way to the tune of some oldies. The oldies weren’t so bad. It was the Christmas music that was lame. It was still fun and I worked up enough of a sweat to be glad I wasn’t wearing long sleeves. We worked out for about 35 minutes, though we had a 5-minute water break in between. Next time I’ll know to bring a bottle of water. In the meantime, one of the ladies showed me the way to the kitchen sink where they had a filtered water faucet. 

Claire was fascinated by the seahorse on my shirt before she had to leave for a doctor’s appointment. LOL 

For part two, Nancy ventured off to the exercise bike and treadmill in front. A couple of guys played pool in a room off the back of the main room. 

The second time around we used resistance bands. She said I could bring my own if I wanted to, but I don’t have one like what they use. She said don’t worry about bringing my own weights because they have so many from 3 pounds and up. 

But do I have to bring my own resistance bands? I don’t think I do. It seems she passed those out to everyone. I used the strongest one, which she said she figured I’d want being “so young.” 

Only one woman was obese. The rest had mostly slim legs while being a little top-heavy. Overall, we were a pretty fit bunch. Claire was weak and frail, though, and had to sit in a chair for the most part till she left. 

The Angels coloring book I won came and it’s just so-so. 

In dreams, all I remember is something about contemplating auditioning for a job singing but not having enough confidence in myself, a dog barking out an open window as I was talking to someone, some woman moving and then us moving. 

Then I was living in my grandparents’ house when I realized I hadn't checked the mail in days. When I went out front I found there were tons and tons of mail. Some of it seemed like it could be stuff I’d won entering sweeps. I also found it odd that nearly 40 years later the same neighbors were still around.

I might not get to post this today because I feel so awful. Bob’s hammering and sawing don’t help either. I loved how yesterday’s wind and rain kept it so unusually quiet, but now it’s back to being noisy and it’s only 9am. Just thought I would get a draft started and say that I am really seriously contemplating quitting my thyroid meds altogether. Never before has any medication ever given me such problems and I’ve had it with this shit. Every time I think I'm over the anxiety and the booming heart, it returns to haunt me. And the thing is I was feeling so calm and relaxed last time around, which kind of makes it scarier. I only had a few seconds of warning this time around. 

I have a cold, which consists of a sore throat and that run-down feeling. This is my first cold in about 4 years. I obviously got it from somebody when we were out over the weekend. There I was missing the good old days where colds, toothaches, earaches and things like that were my worst problem but I never had to fear being left alone. 

Then I get this cold and think, wow, maybe I’ve gotten what I wished for… the good old days back. Yeah, right! I felt wonderfully calm after sleeping ok and didn't think I needed to take a lorazepam after he left for work. After I worked out on the Bowflex and did some online work, including my Dutch lesson, I felt cold and tired and decided to relax in bed. You know how colds make you feel. You have no energy. Well, anyway, that familiar and horrible feeling of being too warm suddenly came on along with the fuzzyish feeling in my head just a few seconds before my heart took off at breakneck speed. Not just racing but booming hard. 

I jumped up and took a lorazepam and called Tom. We've been Skyping each other like crazy trying to keep me calm. I am so frustrated and so depressed right now. I feel like I'll never escape this thing and that I’ll live in fear for the rest of my life. We had changed our minds about contacting the doctor this week, figuring there was nothing they could really do, but I'm definitely going to contact Doc A next Monday. This is no way to live. If I have to take lorazepam every single day, so be it. I’m sick of the torture and I’m totally beginning to believe I’ll never escape this shit no matter what I do. I’m fair game to it any time any place. 

It's almost like the 75s are now too much for me. I'm not suffering nearly as much as when I was on the 88s, but this shouldn't be happening! Why is this happening? I wonder how much of it is the meds vs. me being anxious, though I didn’t feel the least bit anxious till it hit. Can one really develop an anxiety disorder this late in life? It just seems an odd coincidence that as soon as I start the thyroid meds, the trouble begins. Well, not that day, but within a few months. I just don't understand why this keeps happening. I just feel so singled out, picked on and totally hated from above. Totally. 

Gonna just go ahead and upload this without editing or proofreading. Sorry for any errors. Meanwhile, the calm has been replaced with depression. I’m trying to keep busy, but with a cold and a scare like I had, it’s not easy. I just want to sleep and not wake up till it’s time to go on vacation. 

I’ll write about my dreams later… if I even remember them based on the notes I jotted down when I got up.

Saturday I was relatively anxiety-free, but on Sunday I was a mix of calm and anxious. The anxiety was about being left alone today, but right now I feel fine. I slept better, too. I didn’t overheat and my heart didn’t race. While I woke up feeling refreshed, alert and calm, I’m just not ready to face the world alone without my lorazepam just yet. I took one before bed and will take one when he leaves. If I can make it through the week without incident, then I’ll be off the lorazepam by the end of the week. I just hope this time it’s for more than a few days or even a few weeks! Each time I have a problem that basically hits the ‘reset’ button in the progress I’ve made toward gaining my serenity, security and confidence. 

In better news on this rainy, windy morning… the trip is getting real! We’re starting to finalize our plans. Tammy said it’s about what WE want and so we should think of ourselves first. Yeah, but we still want to do what’s convenient for her and the girls too, if we can help it. She’s having surgery on January 25th. Two weeks is a bit long, but there’s an appealing Princess cruise leaving Ft. Lauderdale on January 30th that makes two stops in Mexico and one in Honduras. It returns to Florida on February 5th. We would spend until the 8th or 9th with Tammy, hoping that since a weekend falls in there my nieces will have a better chance of being able to swing by and meet us. We’ll be flying first class, and instead of having a layover at the Atlanta hub like we did in 2007 when we went to the Bahamas, PR, and (almost) to the Grand Turks, it looks like we may layover in Dallas. Don’t know for sure yet. Our stateroom will be one of the luxury suites. Not top of the line, but close enough with a private balcony and all that. 

Cosco, who we’ll be doing the trip through, rates Princess and Royal Caribbean the same as Holland-America, the line we went on the first time around, being slightly above them. We looked at their cruises but they go where we’ve already gone. It would’ve been nice to at least be on a ship we knew our way around, though. We were on the Westerdam. It wasn’t a very attractive ship but it also wasn’t as overwhelming as I thought it’d be since most floors are staterooms and you only spend time on about 3 of the ship's 10 or so decks. 

The Mexican lady that Tom works with says Mexico’s too dangerous. Yeah, but we’re only going to a couple of touristy towns, and there are some dangerous places right here in the US anyway. It’s not like we’re going to the Middle East or Africa or crazy countries like that. This will be my first trip to Central America if we do decide to take this trip. It’s a bit long (twice as long as our Maui vacation), so we’ll think about it for a few days till the passport arrives, and decide if we want to do it or a shorter cruise to just Mexico. There’s also a Jamaica/Haiti option. 

We’ve allotted 2K for the airline and 2K for the cruise. We’ve decided that even years will be vacation years and odds will be major purchases. So a brand new side-loading washer/dryer set is on for 2017. 

Today’s cardio day since yesterday was strength training day on the Bowflex. Sometimes I still think, hey, this isn’t fair! Most people who do what I’m doing lose weight. They don’t maintain it. But most of them are also younger, so it’s all good and better than gaining.

Ugh, Kalamata Greek olives suck! Instant rat food. Really grateful to have those furry garbage disposals around. Food is never wasted when you have them. ;) 

I’m baking chicken wings in a bag with McCormick’s chicken seasoning. It’ll be interesting to see if it’s as good as the version they have for pork. Tom picked it out and I tried some seasoned pork chops with him, and wow! They were sooo good! I’ll never skillet-fry or Shake-n-Bake pork again. This is also a little healthier, cuz remember, I’m trying to lower my cholesterol and sodium intake. 

Just ate the chicken, which cooked for an hour as I read an email saying that royalty payments from Germany were on the way. It was very tender and tasty. :) 

I slept long and horribly. I kept waking up. Then one time I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep for a while. I didn’t have to take a lorazepam, though. Not sure if my heart was racing or not. It might’ve been a little bit. Gonna see if removing the body pillow helps the quality of my sleep or not. God knows it’d surely look better without it on the bed. Two pillows and the rainbow teddy bear I just HAD to splurge on at Walmart is enough. The bear isn’t just for looks, though, but to lie against the too-bright digital clock at night. It’s easier to pull it aside to check the time during the many times I wake up than a bulky pillow is. 

Anxiety was borderline when I got up, like threatening to bubble up below the surface, but now I feel fine. Eating seems to help, though if I get too anxious that actually snuffs out my appetite. I just know I never had this kind of anxiety before the thyroid pills entered the picture, but I also don’t know that the medication is solely to blame. Some of it could be my thyroid or just me worrying. I’m already worrying about being left alone tomorrow, but this week, depending on what happens, I will contact Doc A. 

Tom accidentally stumbled upon an article on anxiety that says the best thing to do is to embrace it, tell yourself it’s ok, you’re not going to die, you’re not having a heart attack, and simply “ride the waves.” Meaning that the body reacts the same when you’re about to go down a steep rollercoaster as it does when a panic attack sets in. The heart begins to race, the adrenaline begins to flow, and we react to these physical actions by becoming fearful as harmless as they are. As I told Tom, though, it’s hard to resist the fear as it would be if a psycho with a gun approached me. 

“But the psycho with a gun can kill you. Anxiety can’t,” he said. 

However true this may be, and no matter how much you tell yourself it’s harmless, it’s still very hard not to feel terrified and afraid to be alone. Like I said, I’ve never had this before levothyroxine that I would quit the stuff altogether if it wasn’t for the unwanted hypothyroidism symptoms I’d go back to having, and the serious complications I may very well be looking at in 10-15 years. 

I guess I just gotta learn to “ride the waves” better. And stop “what-iffing,” and overanalyzing things like asking myself, is my heart beating faster? Does it feel like it’s going to start racing? What if I’m alone and I run into trouble? Etc. 

Now for some happier news… Tom’s passport is on the way and this weekend we’re going to throw a few possible dates for Tammy to make sure she’ll be available at those times. She has a lot of medical drama going on, but since she isn’t working right now I’m guessing she’ll be pretty flexible. It’s just a question of how many days we’ll be with her, how many days we’ll be cruising, where we’ll be cruising to, and if we’ll even be cruising at all. There are many possibilities. Tears of excitement sting my eyes just thinking about seeing everybody for the first time in 24 years! 

There’s what I want and there’s what would be easiest on me. It’d be easiest to spend just a couple of days with Tammy and do a 4-day cruise to Mexico or even just a weekend cruise to the Bahamas. But since part of the fun is adding new countries to my list, I want to spend 3-4 days with Tammy (which will also give the girls a chance to meet us at Tammy’s) and do the week-long cruise that goes to Mexico, Jamaica and the Cayman Islands. 

My biggest worry is my sleep curse. That concerns me more than any potential medical drama. I’m less likely to have anxiety when I’m not alone and when I’m busy and doing fun things. 

“You survived 6 months of jail,” Tom pointed out. 

True, but I was younger and healthier. Still, jail wasn’t fun or worth being tired for. Vacation is. 

I have more to write about but will do it later on. I want to hit the Bowflex now! 

Later… 

Ah, my first workout felt great. It was more of a refresher course than anything the first time around. It all came back as I went about the routines. Our last one didn't have a tower and Tom would've laughed if he saw me cuz I hooked up to it incorrectly at first. Now if only the intermittent anxiety could back off… 

I've trained on and off in various ways for years, so the names of the muscles and exercises are familiar, and since the body has memory, it can spring back to life quickly enough, not that I've let it "forget." A 50-year-old doesn't have boobies this lifted unless she's been doing something or another (push-ups and planks). Ass isn't northerly, but it's not southerly either, so that's good. Call it a Midwestern ass. I'm not 34 anymore so I expect to always look like shit to a degree, but it's fun being a Bowflex Babe just the same! 

I was at some party in last night’s dream where some chick started to come onto me. Then she backed off and someone else gave me a huge container of popcorn. I took the container and decided what movie to watch while I ate it. 

Then, I don’t know if I observed this through a movie or what, but I watched as a bunch of cops tried to get this guy to shoot some other guy so that it’d look like self-defense or something like that, but I knew in my mind that they were just trying to manipulate and incriminate the guy. Just when I thought the guy might fall for the trap, he caught on and a high-speed chase ensued both on foot and in vehicles. 

I was in Nebraska in another dream and met with Aly. She took me to her house and her parents were both tall and slim with ponytails that covered their backs. I suddenly realized that her house was really one of the houses we had back in Massachusetts and asked her father if he bought it in 1987. He confirmed my suspicion with a nod, and I couldn’t wait to be led down into the basement where I used to spend a lot of time hanging out. But the stairs leading down there now seemed so narrow that I wondered if I’d be able to squeeze down them. But I did manage to get down the stairs and then we watched TV. 

Aly eventually went to take a shower. I heard water running and glanced upward at these wooden beams that ran across the ceiling. Thick nails appeared every few feet or so and water trickled from each of them. I wondered if I should go upstairs and tell someone.

Heard from Lana again. Apparently, Facebook is fun for her and I got a little too “serious” with my questions. I can understand how she’d feel that way, but one wouldn’t blame me after the hassles I’ve had with some people. Stranger requests always make me suspicious. Especially when they won’t tell me what friends we supposedly have in common after I fail to find any on our lists. No biggie, though. However, I am pretty sure now that she’s not connected to Andy. Besides, I wouldn’t expect him to have friends in Nevada anyway. 

We had fun flying Tom’s new drone around our huge living room, but it’s not easy to fly! It’s very tiny and easily fits in the palm of my hand. I kept bouncing it off the cathedral ceilings. The rats were peering out of their cage with their usual curiosity, and I tried to fly it over to them, but couldn’t quite get it there. Rats love to chase things, and of course, had I not been cursed with asthma, Simone would be here to enjoy it, too. 

Because I had to return a dress that was too big on me, we had $20 credit which I’m surprising Tom with a cool gadget that combines my love of color and his love of electronics. He said he’ll begin guessing when he’s not too busy (I told him about it at work via Skype). It’s a multicolor wave light that shines upon the ceiling and makes the room look like it’s under water. You can also hook an iPod to it and play music from it. 

So glad I discovered pin4ever being the pinaholic I am on Pinterest, as now I can back up my boards/pins to my drive, then store them on the Cloud. Yay! 

Our Bowflex has arrived and I’m looking way forward to getting stronger even though I don’t expect to ever lose weight and probably only a few inches all around if even that. I’m still older, I still come from a genetically heavy family, and I still have Hashimoto's. We Hashi’s do a great job losing and gaining the same 5 pounds over and over. The last time I lost 30 pounds I was about 43 and I couldn’t even keep it off a year. I’m okay with keeping the weight, though, because then I won’t have to get new clothes too soon or have my wedding ring too loose. My body definitely reached its middle-age comfort zone years ago and I’m content to leave it at that and not set any unrealistic goals for myself. But nothing can stop me from building more muscle! :) 

The only bad news is that I felt a little anxious yesterday morning and took a lorazepam. I’ve found that if I take it early in my day it won’t knock me out. Then my heart raced me awake 4 hours after crashing. I’m skipping today’s dose and will be contacting my PCP to let her know I’m not quite as over the effects of the higher dosage, though I am still better. I just hope Tom’s right and that I’ll eventually get back to normal for good. I’d hate to think that this time around I may have to live with this forever.

When I got a friend request a couple of days ago from a Lana L, I immediately noticed a resemblance to Alyssa, plus the location made me think of her as well. She’s from Lake Tahoe and I’m pretty sure that’s where Alyssa's parents live. 

I then jumped on Alyssa's wall and found the “add friend” button no longer visible, and started to wonder if she’s been on my friend list all along and I somehow never noticed. Facebook is glitchy like that at times. Normally you’re notified when a friend accepts your request, but notifications sometimes fail. The ones that notify us of comments and likes weren’t working the other day. So glitches are nothing new there. 

But then I found it strange that Lana wouldn’t answer my message asking how she found me. I asked her again on her wall and she said she just liked my cute rat profile picture and that we had it few mutual friends. 

My first thought was… We do? I looked at her friend list but didn’t see any mutual friends and began to suspect that Andy may have put her up to friending me, probably to see if I was talking about him on my wall, or maybe even to steal some pictures in which to make his silly little Photoshop alterations with. 

The truth is that unless I feel someone may stalk, pester or harm anyone, I don’t discuss those I have a falling out with on my wall. After I go directly to the source I will probably blog about it because that’s what journals are for. 

But Lana, while continuing to remain oddly evasive, did acknowledge knowing the doctor, saying she had low thyroid too, Alyssa was a great lady, and she was glad I found her. 

I then stated that she was no longer my doctor and asked if she was her doctor or if they were just friends. This question went unanswered as well. 

I noticed Lana had a friend with Alyssa's last name and I added her. After she accepted I asked her how she knew Alyssa, but the only Alyssa C she knows is her four-year-old niece. 

So then I checked Lana’s friend list and found that Alyssa wasn’t on it. Then I checked my last message to Alyssa and at the very top of it, it said that we weren’t connected on Facebook. Maybe she really did get the few friend requests I tried to send and she disabled friend requests or something. But did she ever get and read my messages? 

No one in their area appeared to have visited my blog either unless they’re doing it secretly. 

I sent another message to Lana which was not only ignored, but I found that she had unfriended me when I got up. Very strange and suspicious. I’m back to thinking Andy probably put her up to friending me. I tried to see if I could find his name on her friend list, but since he’s got me blocked, his name probably wouldn’t show up. Whatever he had her looking for… I’m not changing my mind. If I dump you a second time around (and especially a third) it’s forever. And no, it wasn’t for any one reason, including the fact that he’s a registered pervert, but for many reasons. I just don’t like the guy as a whole. I don’t hate him. I don’t think he’s a bad person. I don’t wish him any harm. I just don’t want anything to do with him. 

If I’m wrong about him being behind it, then it could’ve very well been a scammer trying to pose as a sweepstakes site. For example, 4 people claiming to be from Women’s Freebies, one of whom tried to tell me I won a million dollars, a brand-new Dodge Ram, and a “lop top,” tried to friend me. First of all, Women’s Freebies doesn’t award prizes of such high value, and that’s not the way they go about notifying winners. Smaller prizes will usually email you, and larger prizes will usually send you a certified letter and call you. I was a professional sweeper for years. I’m not stupid and I know how it works. I found others who reported being contacted by the same scammers anyway. 

Lana doesn’t seem like the typical spammer or scammer, though. She’s a real person with a real account. But she had to have friended me for some reason. I asked Rhonda if she knows Andy and told her why I’m suspicious of her friend. It’s no biggie, but I am curious. 

Lastly, I posted a public note letting people know that if I don’t recognize their names or we haven’t talked before somewhere, I’m not adding them. 

In one dream Tom and I were in the car getting ready to take off somewhere. Some crazy guy was making strange faces and hand signals in the rear window. Fortunately, we were able to pull away without hitting him. 

Then I was running with what might’ve been my mother and Jesse over these grassy hills. Exhausted from our trek, we all collapsed next to each other to catch our breath. 

In the last dream, Tom and I were trying to get an apartment back we once had that I just loved, LOL, even though I hate apartments in reality. There was even more traffic in front of it, but it wasn’t as close to the windows as it is to our house in real life.

I started a little “drama log” seeing that I have now had three incidents in one week. First I have a major panic attack on the 9th that leaves me trembling uncontrollably afterward, and that was the most terrifying of all. Then on the 12th, I have an elevated pulse followed by the runs, and yesterday my heart raced me awake. Am I ever going to be able to live without being in fear of my own damn heart? 

Tom thinks that within 2 to 4 weeks after I fully get acclimated again to 75s, the racy heart will back off and that 2016 will be virtually free of this shit. I wish I could believe him! I just hope he’s right! At times I totally feel like something up there is getting a genuine kick out of tormenting me with my health. I actually miss the days of worrying about money. All the little problems I had seemed like nothing, and the bigger problems didn’t seem so big in comparison to living in constant fear of what my own body may do. It is a truly torturous way to live, always wondering when the next attack is going to hit. I’m guessing my next one will be Sunday or Monday since I seem to be getting them every 3 to 4 days. 

In the 90s I used to be afraid to go to bed for fear of having an asthma attack. A few years ago I was afraid to go to bed because of all the nasty dream premonitions I was having. Now I’m afraid to go to bed because of my heart, which also torments me while I’m wide awake. I’m either suffering or I’m worrying that I’m going to. I just want it all to end! I can’t afford to deal with this shit while we’re on vacation. Having to deal with my sleep issues is overwhelming enough. Like I said before, being tired is one thing, feeling like shit is another. In fact, my heart started racing again after Tom left and I had to take a lorazepam. *sighs* I’ll never get better. Never. 

I always feel really warm when I wake up with one of these things and even when they occur when I’m awake. Tom thinks that because I was having a medication-related dream, it triggered the attack. Something about rinsing out a pill bottle that I was drinking from. 

But if this were suddenly to end now, wouldn’t something new just come to replace it eventually? 

Later… 

Before I get into an even bigger mystery than the cracked mirror in the Indian diary (in my next entry), my energy levels have been good so far today as well as yesterday. Two days ago, however, I felt so blah. I didn’t even have the energy to work out that day. 

After Tom left yesterday morning I felt a little anxious, my heart started to race, and I took a lorazepam which knocked me out several hours sooner than I’d have liked. Oh, so we’re going to play these anxiety games every day now? Really, I am so, so fucking sick of dealing with this shit. Once again I feel like I’ll never get back to being my usual self. Sometimes I even think of stopping my thyroid meds altogether as I’ve never needed anti-anxiety meds before starting the stuff. But I don’t want to gain a million pounds, always be dizzy, lose my hair and memory, feel freezing cold even in the summer, and a million other symptoms. 

But it’s no wonder those with depression want to slap those who tell them to just smile and be happy. If only it were a choice and that simple! It rules us. We don’t rule it. Like it or not, I could say “fuck you” to anxiety and declare that I’m never again going to allow myself to feel anxious and that I’m in charge of my own mind and body, but that’s not the way life works. There’s only so much we can do, and I’m afraid we don’t have as much control as we’d often like to think we have. 

I’ve also been getting headaches more than usual, right above my eyebrows or just above my right temple. Since the vast majority of the anxiety has backed off, I have been having coffee, though only one cup a day. 

Oh, to be back in the days when I didn’t have a clue as to what this kind of anxiety was like and I was never afraid of my own heart. I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d rather be dirt poor all over again than go through this shit. Being poor was an easier kind of hard. I hope Tom’s right in that it’s just about my body needing another couple of weeks or so to readjust to the 75s. I’m still a million times better than on the 88s. The only time it really got scary was last week. But still… enough is enough already! 

Meanwhile, I slept better. I started to overheat and almost had a racy heart, but after I got up to pee and then returned to bed, I was fine.