Lisa is down in Florida now. Tammy posted a picture of the two of them at the beach. I wasn’t sure whether or not I should “like” it, comment, or just ignore it. I chose to just ignore it in the end. Without knowing how Lisa feels about me and whether or not she is anything like she was 5 years ago (she may be sober now yet may still have mental issues), I can’t possibly know if contacting her would be a good idea or not. Again, the last thing I want to do is reach out to her, have it backfire on me and get caught up in the family drama all over again. I will NOT play the ‘he said, she said’ bullshit game again! I swear if that ever EVER happens again I will be forever done with them. I just can’t go down that road again. Just like I would rather be friendless than have nothing but assholes for friends, I would rather not have anything to do with family than for us to be bickering all the time. Life isn’t worth it. I will always choose peace over problems.

She’s still not on Tammy’s friend list, but she is now on Sarah’s.

I love it when I read a follower’s blog that starts off saying, “I don’t have much to write about,” and then it ends up being 2500 words. I hate reading long entries. No patience. I just skim those or ignore them altogether.

A couple of cars were at the house that sold yesterday, but surprisingly it’s been incredibly quiet today and I haven’t seen anyone over there. The woman that I saw was maybe about 65. A younger woman in another car was also there. I’m guessing that was the daughter helping out.

It’s a gorgeous day out today and I’m looking forward to going out for a walk with Tom after he gets home from work. I worked out on the Bowflex earlier. I do that every other day.

Last night I dreamed I passed by Bob and Virginia on my way to get the mail. They were eating steaks and Bob offered me a few bites. I accepted and found it to be the best steak I’d ever tasted. He said he got a gun and I looked at him all confused. Then he said he killed the cow from which the meat came because he was tired of all the tough meat in the grocery stores, LOL.

Later…

Sure enough, the peace ended at 2:30. Worried there’s going to be activity well into the evening at the house that sold. Two large moving vehicles showed up at around 2:30, making me think there are a lot of people moving in since it is a 3-bedroom. My biggest concern is how much company they’ll have and if they’ll use the garage for the wrong reasons. The garage abuse is my biggest fear. Really, I wish these people would use their garages for what they were intended for!

Mutts shouldn’t be an issue unless it’s left to bark out open doors and windows. That could only be on the side facing Jackie in the corner house. This would make it more likely to be heard mostly in the laundry room, but I’m not really worried about that. I just want all the traffic to die down already and for the garage to be used to park vehicles and store stuff, not some little workshop.

As I learned the hard way, age doesn’t matter. Anybody can be noisy if they’re physically able to create the noise. It would be wonderful if a bunch of couch potatoes were moving in, but I know better than to hope for that. I’m not stupid. Years of a pattern that I question is coincidental or not, tells me what I’m in for. It’s one of the few things that makes me question the possibility of a god. Just how normal is this? Do people really happen to get noisy neighbors that often? It’s too soon to jump the gun and call them noisy for sure, but if they’re like what I usually get next to me or at least within close vicinity of me, they’re going to be noisy. If not with the garage then maybe lots of traffic, but that garage has got to be way too enticing, especially since it’s climate-controlled.

What I don’t get is those who say that God works in mysterious ways. Let’s say there is one even though we can never know for sure. Well, you can tell yourself that if it makes you feel better to justify the unfairness and the atrocities of the world, but where is the mystery, for example, in what my mother did? She abused me. There’s no “mystery” in that.

I still worry at times and think, what if there is a God and my turning against it is only making it hate me more and setting me up for a really shitty afterlife if there is such a thing as that, too? But I can’t live that way. I’m not going to kiss a god’s ass that may not exist. I’m only going to be myself, and if that lands me in an eternal pit of fire, so be it. But yes, that’s a fear of mine and I do realize that anything is possible. Anything. If there is an afterlife, it could be a million times worse than my worst of times here. But I know I shouldn’t worry or assume what I don’t know for sure and that I should just be myself.

If there is a god, I don’t like him. I don’t like him for what he has allowed to be done to me and I don’t like him for what he has allowed to be done the countless others in the world. I could go through life pretending otherwise for no reason at all, or I could just be myself and allow myself to feel what I feel. After all, if there was a god and he was so against us having any ill feelings toward him, then he could have created us not to be able to feel those feelings. Correct?

Meanwhile, there is no “mystery” in things. We may not know why they happen, but I don’t see the mystery, for example, in what the sickos in Arizona did to me. The only mystery is why any possible god allowed it to be done to me. To say he works in mysterious ways sounds like a lame excuse to excuse his cruelty in his unfairness. I know what happened to me. There’s absolutely no mystery there at all.