For one who slept 10 hours, I sure am dragging today with very little energy. I had a dream I was watching a Forensics episode about bringing down a corrupt cop. An aerial view of the pig on a freeway showed a banner streaming from his vehicle that read: You’ve Got Smalls, which was his smug, cocky and confident way of saying that the person trying to take him down had balls. The show went on to say that his ex-wife had accused him of being abusive.

Then I was on a beach somewhere watching this couple floating this strange little toy boat with an equally strange sea creature of some kind swimming about. Not sure if it was a sea lion or something else.

In another dream, I was noticing that my phone calls had the first two letters of my callers’ first and last names and thought it was an interesting new feature.

In the last dream, two others were present when one of them said something about food or weight as I approached a plate of food on a kitchen counter. I said I had no idea what my problem with food was, implying that I was eating too much and couldn’t stop.

I’m a little worried about Aly because she may have some early bone issues developing like osteoporosis and she also has some more Jase drama going on. She didn’t elaborate on that but she did say that she was on a prescription iron medication and going for injections twice a week, the poor girl. I thought she would be too young for osteo.

She’s getting set up in her new studio apartment and her parents are getting ready to move to North Carolina.

She likes working at the daycare but is otherwise not happy. She’s never had a relationship that lasted longer than 9 months, she’s got health issues, and I guess she would miss her parents once they moved, especially her dad. Her mother has always sounded like the negative, insensitive, controlling, judgmental bitch mine was.

Damn, though. 37 years old and never with anyone for more than 9 months, according to her. Either something’s wrong with her or she’s incredibly cursed in that department. I can see where the older she gets the more she wishes she could get into a relationship that would last more than a few months, but at least if there’s any good to short-term ones it’s that she gets to enjoy some variety.

The thing is that she’s attracted to the wrong kinds of people. At least I think that’s part of her problem. Just like she’s drawn to the most troubled and shy kids at the daycare center, she’s drawn to adults with problems. Like Kim and Molly. It’s hard to find stability in a relationship when you’re seeking out unstable partners. Being weird, unique and eccentric is one thing. Being messed up is another. She says that it’s been an equal amount of her dumping partners and them dumping her in the end and that Jase was the one to dump her who now wants her back. She’s let him know it’s too late.

From what little she’s told me about Lana is enough to tell me she can’t even come close to getting a lasting and stable relationship with her. The blue-haired woman who’s terrified of storms has admitted she’s out for sex only.

When I realized 2 of my 6 bamboo plants were in clusters of 4 after reading the meanings below, I jumped up and changed that immediately. I should have known better! I discovered just how unlucky the number 4 is long before I learned that the Chinese know it’s an unlucky number.

I’m not usually superstitious, but interestingly enough, I stopped flaring upon getting the new trio of bamboos I just got and for the last few days I haven’t been nearly as hot flashy either.

I definitely feel better emotionally when I’m on days and of course, I sleep better at night without all the loud traffic. I wish I could always beyond days. I would definitely take the convenience and the way I feel better over the peacefulness of the nighttime (when the planes aren’t buzzing about).

I’m definitely going to make a bundle of 7 out of the 38-stalk bushel that I have coming. Instead of spending more money on vases, I got a clear but simple and cute flatware organizer that’s watertight to put them in.

I had to grab the proper food for them as Miracle-Gro isn’t recommended. Since bamboo plants don’t have dirt to buffer out Miracle-Gro’s acids, they recommend Green Green.

1 Stalk – simplicity, meaningful life
2 Stalks – best for luck in love and marriage
3 Stalks – happiness (Most popular)
4 Stalks – almost never given. (Four could draw negative energy, according to Chinese culture)
5 Stalks – academic achievement, creativity
6 Stalks - represent good luck and wealth.
7 Stalks – health
8 Stalks – luck in wealth
9 Stalks – good fortune and overall luck
10 Stalks – completion or perfection
21 Stalks – all-purpose blessing

And again that fucking car is back to coming around daily. Today and yesterday it came in at 7:30 in the morning. Was only here a few minutes, though.

Poor Aly. Her blood disease is acting up again.

I don’t know how I could have been so stupid as to think that the baby on Nissan’s profile was Asian and hers. It’s actually a baby picture of herself. I don’t know why I thought she looked Asian, LOL. I guess the angle or something. She’s definitely chosen to ignore me but it’s no surprise.

I like the new bidet but it’s easy to splash water all over the floor and toilet seat if you’re not careful.

I’m back on Bubbly now that I’ve come to realize it was actually my fault that the play button for some of the posts wasn’t showing up. It was because I posted it too soon. The site runs slow as hell and if you post a voice post too soon, the play button will not be visible.

I was watching an episode of Forensic Files earlier about a murder that took place in Phoenix, Arizona. Not long into the show, it hit me that I knew exactly where the murder took place.

In the mid-‘90s, I was sitting in my SIL’s backyard chatting with my MIL. She told me that two houses down, a family once lived that had a few kids. The guy killed his wife in the 60s and buried her in the backyard. Then a pool was built over it or some kind of concrete slab. A daughter who was 5 at the time it happened ratted on daddy over 20 years later.

The only thing that was wrong in the story’s reenactment scene was that it showed a two-story house. Well, there are hardly any two-story houses in Arizona, much less on the street it happened on. I forgot the name of the street. Citrus Way perhaps?

The daughter had been confused about the difference between being asleep and being dead as a little girl. Plus the father, an alcoholic who was abusive, threatened her life should she ever mention what happened. She and her younger sister witnessed her father beat their mother to death and then bury her in the corner of the backyard from a bedroom window.

Twenty-seven years later, the daughter told her story to the police and they used a ground-penetrating sensor to hunt for any disturbances. When they found one that was about 6 feet long and 2 feet wide in the area the daughter said they would, they dug up the skeletal remains of her mother. Daddy then went to prison for life.

Last night I dreamed Tom and I were leaving the house on our bikes. The house in the dream had several cement steps outside the door, though. We were about to head out when Tom finished drinking a milkshake and said he wanted to put the cup back inside first. I told him to just leave it by the door but he wanted to get a jacket anyway.

We hopped on our bikes a minute later and took off down the street. The Twenties were having company and were gathered in the middle of the street for some reason. A little boy I knew in the dream to visit regularly was running around erratically and I almost hit him.

Then we pulled up to a mall. A kid on a tricycle passed me. I looked inside the glass doors and thought it looked like a bunch of young people might be fighting. Curious to see if a brawl had broken out, I asked Tom to watch the bikes while I went in to use the bathroom which was where the dream ended.

We were talking about where we wanted to go for our next vacation and we looked into the Galapagos Islands. However, it would take forever to get there and I don’t want to spend half of the vacation in the air as much as I like to fly.

California is in a bad location for going on vacation because you’re limited distance-wise. Other than Hawaii and Mexico, everything is so far away.

We’ll more than likely go back to Hawaii which is fine. The question is when. We’ve got the money but not the time at the moment. We were going to go at the beginning of next year but I’m not sure about that.

I was reading a woman’s journal on another site who is my age who worries about dying and feels like she’s running out of time even though she’s not sick. I was kind of like, oh wow when I read that. Not only do I have the same concerns and fears but I too sometimes feel like I’m running out of time and I have no idea why. I guess maybe that’s just normal when you start getting older. I have no logical reason to think I’m running out of time. I’m mostly healthy and there’s no reason I couldn’t make it to my 80s and even my 90s.

I left a message for my dermatologist yesterday cuz unless you’re scheduling an appointment you have to leave a voice message. No one called me back. So now I’m going to call the direct line and see if I can get the damn ointment called in. If not, I’ll cancel my follow-up appointment and go somewhere else.

This morning I called the main line and was told that they did get my message and they did call in my ointment. Gee, thanks for letting me know yesterday! So I will begin it Friday night and hope for the best.

Love my new little trio of bamboos. Only problem is that the cactus vase leaks so I put them in a mug with small pastel flowers.

Last night I dreamed my cousin Lisa was all upset to see her mother’s picture on some guy’s wall somewhere because in her mind that told her that something dishonest and secretive had been kept from her for a long time, like maybe somebody having an affair.

Then I was in a bedroom with them and some guy that went to lunge at us from the other side of a double bed. Lori pulled a gun on him and I said, “Shoot him.”

But instead of doing that Lori looked at me and wistfully she said, “Drifting apart after so many years.”

I answered with, “We’ve learned a lot.”

Then I had some dream that we were in the desert again even though it didn’t look like the desert we lived in. I was in some building somewhere and it seemed like we were struggling and I thought how I didn’t care if we survived or not. Or maybe we were being held and questioned for some reason because there might have been a couple of cops around. I was sitting in a chair when I looked out a huge window and found the desert view to be very beautiful with its rocky mountains and such. I got up to look for my camera to take a picture of it. Not sure exactly where this was or the circumstances we were in.

Then I got the sudden urge for candy corn, something I very seldom have. There was a large tablet mounted to the wall in which I ordered the candy corns to be delivered in a short time. I was a little annoyed that they were $7 for being such a small bag but I really wanted those candy corns. I went downstairs in the building I was in and started to ask if anyone had seen the candy corn I ordered and found them sitting on a counter somewhere. I immediately tore the bag open and started scarfing them down.

Lots of catching up to do. Will try to go in order of events. I believe I forgot to say that we stopped at Jack in the Box on the way home from the dermatologist on Friday. I’ll have a follow-up appointment on October 10th. She didn’t call in my prescription, though, so now I have to call the damn office today. Not going to start it till Friday night because I want Tom to be around when I do.

Once we were entering the park, I saw plumbers at Lawrence’s house in back right by the bedrooms. I worried that vehicle doors slamming would wake me up but they didn’t.

Skipping my meds today because I think I could be flaring. HR has been elevated, I’ve been flustered and warm more often, and am exhibiting other signs. Is this really going to be an issue on and off for the rest of my life? Sadly, I’m beginning to think yes.

I just wish the hot flashes would back off already! They’ve been really bad for months now and I would have thought that they’d be better by now. They’re especially bad at the start and end of my day.

I texted Marie but never got a reply. She probably doesn’t even have that number anymore. Also, even though she could be busy, Nissan’s doing what I figured she’d do…ignoring me. Amazing how well I can predict some people even if I barely knew them for 5 minutes and it was 3 decades ago. Then again, it really is just a matter of common sense. Most people can’t move on. Even I have a harder time moving on the older I get. In fact, after Aly told me how she’s getting quicker to anger with age, Tom and I were discussing how we’ve become less tolerant with age. Less concerned with what others think and less tolerant overall. Instead of getting used to some things, you get fed up with them instead.

Going to see if Tom wants to go out walking before work. We’ll have to watch out for skunks as usual. This really is a “never before” state. Never before have I known so many languages. Never before have I heard so much loud traffic. Never before have I heard so much landscaping. Never before have I heard so many planes. Never before have so many stores and restaurants blasted music. And never before have I seen so many skunks. I’ve had to dodge them two out of the last three times I was out.

I think Ray might have finally gotten his ass out of here. There was a moving truck down there the other day and when I was out riding late at night, there were no vehicles in the carport.

We went to Mel’s Diner after 3 a.m. yesterday and it was good but not great. The music was blasting and my grilled pork chops were just so-so. The diced potatoes and onions were a little better, the eggs even better, and believe it or not, the English muffin was the best of all, LOL.

At one point, a group of five young people came in and I thought, oh no, now I have to listen to loud people on top of loud music. But they were pretty quiet for a bunch of twentysomethings.

Got my panty grab bag and I’m just as happy with it as with my first order two years ago. This one is even better, even though there were 21 pairs instead of 30 because only a few pairs don’t fit well. One of them is on Suki. I got all kinds of colors and styles. Fortunately, there were no crotchless ones. Mostly g-strings. I’m wearing a very comfortable full-ass one now which is still good for skirts and dresses so as to avoid wedgies.

Ordered a cheap portable bidet. Would have loved to have something like this in jail or when we were in Gert, as we called the RV up in Oregon.

Here we go with the fucking planes again. It must be 1:30 a.m. Yeah, that seems to be one of the times they love to make some annoying rounds.

Before I get into my good news, I heard from Nissan’s friend Mary F. Different eye color but based on the overall resemblance, I’m guessing it might be her sister. She said she would let Nissan know I was looking for her. I still don’t expect to hear from her because regardless of how many people preach forgiveness, people don’t forgive, forget and move on. At least most people don’t seem to. I’m sure I’ll be judged for how I was 30 years ago but if that’s the case, so be it. Again, she was no angel herself from what little I knew of her.

First I got a friend request from Irene’s friend Elisabeth whom I’m already friends with. Then I got a friend request from one of Elisabeth’s friends, Felicia. Then I got another request from one of her friends named Seigfried. These are all people in Austria. This was when it hit me that her account was probably cloned or someone was trying to impersonate her.

Before this happened I got a message from a Louise Dewey who had recently deactivated her Shady Jamie account. Remembering Marie once told me her middle name was Louise, and knowing she usually spelled her nickname as Duewi, I thought there might be a connection.

What’s up with all the fake names? I asked and got a sarcastic reply saying, “Thanks, I’ll delete you too. Thanks for humoring me all these years.”

Yeah, fine. Whatever. I’m just sick of the creation and deletion of multiple accounts, none with her real name. Do you know how suspicious that looks? And people adding me with the same name from more than one account? My God, how many fucking accounts does one need to stay connected and in touch?! It’s too hard to keep up with all the changes and additions and to know who’s for real and who’s not when people do this.

So I went to see Amy at Folsom Dermatology. While we were waiting in the waiting room, some guy in his 50s or 60s came into the room to fill out paperwork when he appeared to trip and then go crashing into a nearby table, knocking off its contents. The staff came running and he insisted his ankle turned out and he just had lousy balance but was otherwise fine. The staff was concerned he’d hit his head but he didn’t and I vouched for the guy on that one.

Anyway, I was very stressed out and depressed, thinking I was going to be told that my only options were oral or topical steroids. Knowing there was no way I could simply get used to so much burning and itching, especially the burning, made me want to beat my head into the wall.

To my surprise, however, I do have options! Real options with real hope. I forgot the name of it but later today we’re going to pick up a topical non-steroid ointment. The only catch with this is that people report burning the first 3 days. Well, if it isn’t worse than the horrible burning I got from the Mometasone then I should be able to survive it.

There are other options if this fails, including ultraviolet therapy which she referred to as phototherapy. So I’m hoping that this will be it! Even if I can’t cure it and I have to dab ointment down there regularly, if it will work to keep the shit from spreading or flaring up, fine. I’m willing to cut my losses and settle for that. Yes, I’m a little nervous about the new ointment but desperation makes you braver. She said something about a black box warning but I think that’s for oral use of the drug.

I just wish I could stop getting things that are permanent. I really need to start getting things that are either curable or that will just kill me if I’ve got to keep getting things, and I know damn well that if my LS is ever tamed, there will just be something else afterward. The Kim M’s of this world don’t realize just how easy they have it with their worst problems being a bitchy, bossy SIL and being made to brush their hair and teeth. It’s usually the nutjobs or the assholes that have it the easiest. I’m sure she always sleeps great and probably feels great too, most of the time.

They’re turning off the water for a few hours AGAIN on Monday, and once again I’ve chosen to vent my frustrations anonymously. When we moved in many years ago and were told the water would be off occasionally, I thought that meant a few times a year. Not a few times a month. This is utterly ridiculous! And again, shame on them for allowing motorcycles and extending the time kids can be at the pool. What’s next, loud car stereos? Kids being allowed to live here part-time? So much for thinking adult communities were peaceful since between loud traffic, regular projects, and daily landscaping that only needs to be done once a week, it’s anything but peaceful here.

Tom said the garbage trucks were loud and being weird. They didn’t wake me up, fortunately, thanks to the earbud but he said they kept driving back and forth long after the stuff was dumped. They’d drive down to the end of the street, turn around and leave.

Yesterday sucked. I was so stressed out as well as depressed. I worried that my only options would be to suffer or die. Not having as rough of a day today as I expected, but I still worry for myself. To hell with worrying about actually growing old and dying. The biggest concern is all the suffering you do before you get there. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted something to just kill me right then and there!

Fell asleep at 11 a.m. and kept waking up every few minutes so I finally took a Benadryl shortly after noon. This didn’t help me sleep as soundly as I thought it would but I managed to sleep until 8. It’s going to be a long-ass day for me! My appointment isn’t until 10:45 and it may be close to noon before we get home.

I’ve been taking it easy, spending most of the time relaxing in bed. Although eczema isn’t lichen sclerosus, Aly has had ultraviolet light therapy which has helped her and I’m going to ask the PA about that, though I don’t know that that can be used down there. As Aly pointed out, it may be a matter of trial and error until I find what helps me the best. She’s used some prescription cream that doesn’t have steroids in it which she has also found helpful. Then she has some friends who also have skin issues and swear by turmeric.

I have a 3-stalk bamboo plant on the way. One is a 6” stalk and the other two are 4” stalks. I want to put the 6” stalk in the cactus vase I got shortly after we left Phoenix. The other two can join one of the other groups of bamboos I have in here. I now have 5, soon to be 6.

I’m also getting some novelty Tic Tac flavors… Blueberry, bubble gum and donut.

Last night I dreamed I was showing Simon to Stacey S. She told me that she had rats as well. I asked her what kind they were and she said “Midterms.” As I brought Simon out of a store that I either owned or worked at in which he roamed loose with Dumbo, I looked back as I crossed the street to go to Stacey’s place and saw that I’d left the door open. Dumbo slipped out and then I could have sworn I saw Burke alive and well again and with a full coat of fur. I hurried to show Stacey Simon so I could get back before the other rats could get too far.

When I got back to the store I saw that Dumbo was back inside but only for a minute because a kitten chased him back out. I hunted for him but couldn’t find him. Then some guy in the store said something like, “It’s a rat. You know how they are.”

Then there was this dream where I was standing outside in the back of someplace possibly smoking a cigarette. It was late afternoon and I noticed it was cool. Aloud I said, “It’s going to be pretty damn chilly in a few hours.”

Then someone walked by and I felt a little embarrassed that they heard me talking to myself. Then I went inside the house which was a small one-bedroom place on a concrete foundation.

I then entered the bedroom and placed some small plastic doll in a box.

Next, I went into the living room where Tom was. I knew I had to go with him somewhere to sign something and I thought we were leaving at that moment. But then he prepared to leave and said he would see me later.

I became a little bummed out when I realized I would be left alone.

Feeling a bit anxious so I’ll skip my poison tomorrow just to be safe.

I’m also feeling tired and a little down. I’m sure part of it is because I slept shittily and I haven’t exactly been eating healthy either. I just wish I could stop worrying about death, dying and suffering and who’s going to be there for us in the end after opting out of having kids and the usual shit. The thing is I don’t just worry about the end. I worry about how much suffering we may have to do between now and the end. I have suffered so, so much for nearly half a decade now. You would think I would be used to it by now but some things you just can’t adapt to.

I used a Tucks pad after my shower in hopes of it keeping me from burning or itching.

I was thinking of the fallout I had with Tammy and my nieces and while I have always been a firm believer in being true to myself and as honest as possible with those close to me, sometimes I wonder if the people-pleasing might have been the better way to go. I swore I would never be a people pleaser but I can see where it would be easier if I just came out and apologized for everything. I mean everything. Even the things I didn’t do like supposedly telling Dad that I started talking with Lisa sooner than we did. After all, they wouldn’t know I was lying since they believe the lie is the truth, and then everybody would be happy and maybe we could all get along. But I would know I was lying and while being a people-pleaser may keep the peace, do I really want them in my life either way? They’ve chosen to ignore me so I don’t have a choice at the moment but I still have mixed emotions about having them in my life regardless. We’re very different from each other in personalities, interests and beliefs. Okay, so Tammy may share my feelings on Muslims and blacks, and she may like to read too, but for the most part, they’re religious, conceited, selfish, narcissistic, aggressive, emotionally, vindictive, unstable people. Would that really be good for me? Probably not. But a part of me is still sad that things have come to where they are now.

So do I be myself and risk losing people? Or do I be a people pleaser and keep the peace? I guess for now I’ll remain true to myself and honest with them which means only taking responsibility for what I’ve actually done and not what they think I’ve done. I may change my mind and my ways later on, but for now I’ll continue to be the way I usually am even if some may call it stubborn. Stubborn for not giving in to what they want to hear.

Anyway, it really does seem like something up there is determined to see to it that I sleep shitty when I sleep during the daytime no matter what. Traffic didn’t wake me up but I woke up a million times either just because, because I thought I smelled something weird, because of the neck knockers from too much sodium lately, because I had to pee, etc.

Tom doesn’t think they’re going to pave behind the house anytime soon. He says they wouldn’t have bothered to pave the sinkholes if they were going to. Well, I’m sure there will be something else soon enough. It may be by the park or one of the neighbors but there’s pretty much always something.

The only dream I remember despite waking up so much was something about reconnecting with Miss Perfect. I was sitting in a room chatting with her. I was on a couch and she sat in a plush chair sort of across from me and by a window. I had some treats on a plate on the arm of the couch. I went to pick up what looked like colorful sprinkles wrapped in this clear substance. I thought it would remain intact but before I could put it in my mouth, it burst and the sprinkles fell all over the couch and my lap.

Going through old journals has reminded me of some people from the past, both good and bad. Nissan P who is now Nissan C was one of them. I finally found her on Facebook. She has a couple of accounts but one doesn’t appear to have been updated since 2014 and the other since 2016. Both profile pictures look like they were taken in the ‘80s based on the type of picture and the hairstyle she had. Her makeup was done perfectly, she had a beautiful smile, and she was definitely a very attractive person. I’m sure that’s part of why she was such a judgmental bitch. Stereotypical or not, those are the ones who usually are.

What was weird was that in the account that hasn’t been updated since 2014 was a picture of an Asian baby that she referred to as her own child. But she’s 62 now. It seems odd that one would refer to themselves as “mama” if it was a grandkid, and she would have been in her late 50s when it was born which would be a bit late to be adopting, wouldn’t it?

I found her address and looked at her house on Google Maps. She’s lived in Springfield all her life. “Bet the bitch is in a gorgeous house,” I thought to myself, but nope. The house is actually kind of small and dumpy.

Oh, those fucking planes. Just when you think it’s nice that they’ve given you a break they start swarming round and round. I am so fucking sick of hearing that nonstop buzzing so much of the time! Nighttime is the only time there is no landscaping and other projects yet I still can’t have my fucking peace even then.

So anyway, I messaged Nissan on both accounts and apologized for not handling things too well back in the day though I didn’t think her stealing my “notes” on her, however borne of loneliness and wishful thinking they may have been, was exactly the right thing to do. Nonetheless, I told her I had no hard feelings and that while I had a lot of growing up to do back then, I was hurt that she turned on me like she did. I asked if she had anything to do with the prank calls I got in 1990 and if she knew Linda J but I don’t expect her to ever read the message, let alone actually respond to it. She’ll ignore or block but my guess is ignore.

She only has a few friends and has opted out of being added, so she’s either very private or very unliked.

I’m kind of tired of Marie’s up-and-down ways and feeling like I’m riding a roller coaster when dealing with her. She deactivates on Facebook regularly and changes accounts, and it’s just hard to keep up with her. One minute all is wonderful. She’s sworn off love, quit the booze, has her own place, and is working regularly. The next she’s broke, living with her sisters, jobless, and going through a breakup that’s never her fault. Ever. I could have left her on my friend list in case she reactivated but I decided to unfriend both her and Kim.

Yeah, Kim deactivated and told me she hardly used FB but Aly and I think she probably got into it with someone, deactivated, and has begun anew. I never could understand why she would do this and not just block the person she’s having problems with, but she’s known for multiple accounts and she’s likely still there. I don’t mind not being connected to her there, though. Twitter and texting are more than enough. I guess Facebook is her only connection to someone she went to high school with, according to Aly, so she wouldn’t just leave.

Later…

Another possibility for Nissan’s baby could be that Nissan is with a much younger woman who had the child. Could be a foster kid but it’s kind of hard to believe you would refer to yourself as its mama.

I’ve tried numerous times to look up Brenda and Kacey. But the last name Stephens is very common and the first name Kathleen is definitely very common. If Nissan didn’t have such a unique name it would have been much harder to find her.

Damn, I can’t imagine being 62 years old and spending every single year of it living there. To never live anywhere else but that dumpy city is a sad thought. At least to me anyway.

Here’s something weird. On one account she has no friends, likes or comments and on another, she has 3. I noticed that one of them appeared to block me and thought, why would a friend of hers that I never even contacted (though I did contact a different friend of hers in case she doesn’t check her messages, hoping they might give her a heads up) go and block me? My first thought was Nissan told him about me and he blocked me but then I figured that if that was really the case, Nissan would have blocked me as well. So I went into Tom’s account and couldn’t pull up that account from there either. So he probably deactivated or there’s some kind of glitch going on because I can’t believe he would block me while she didn’t and then magically know my husband’s name and which account was his to block.

I also shared one of Nissan’s updates and then invited her to Messenger on her other account, but my guess is that she hasn’t used Facebook in years.

Several months ago I did a prayer experiment even though I suspected what the results would be. I prayed to lose weight. I prayed for Kathleen’s friendship. And I prayed for the anxiety to never return. Well, not a single prayer was granted. Should I bother to pray for a response from Nissan, negative or not? Definitely not! There’s nothing up there. Nothing at all. And if there is, it ain’t listening to me. Well, if it is, it’s definitely ignoring me. Seriously, if I ever wanted to see my prayers answered, that would be easy as hell if I prayed for the “right” things. Watch, this is how I get them answered… Dear God, please make sure I have that nasty anxiety at least every now and then if you’re not going to give it to me as often as you used to. Please make sure I never lose more than a few pounds. Ever. Oh, and don’t forget to make sure I don’t hear a damn thing from Nissan, and if I ever see Kathleen again, make sure she doesn’t contact me even if she mentions getting together again. Lastly, always, always fill my days and even parts of my nights with plenty of noise, aches, pains, worries, and itchiness. Make me suffer more than half the time in some way shape or form. In fact, Why not pick out a new disease suitable for a piece of shit like me. Let’s see… How about lupus? No. I’ve got a better idea. Since you don’t quite hate me enough to kill me just yet, how about diabetes? Parkinson’s? Yeah, I think that would be great for a piece of shit like me. I deserve it for sure, so please God, please grant me all these things. Oh please, I know you will. You surely will! You love me. I know you do. You always love me when I ask for what I don’t want. I just know you do.

Nane is 58 today. I asked Christiane to please wish her a happy birthday. The dancing dots then appeared signaling that she was replying but nothing came through. Really hope Facebook isn’t on one of their failed message-send trips. Anyway, I still miss the judgmental hypocrite, so please God, make sure I never hear from her.

See? God really does answer some of my prayers after all…if He exists.

Now that guy’s account is visible again, so yeah, just a glitch.

Had a dream the old lady in Grand Prairie was just finishing up making her bed and I thought it hardly seemed wide enough for her and her husband. In real life, they have separate rooms just like Tom and I do. Speaking of her, she hasn’t looked in on me lately. Something wrong with her? She’s old and ill so there could be.

Got an Alexa device for the car and tomorrow I should have a 3-pack of medium brown hair dye. Definitely don’t have to dye it as much with the bangs and with how slow it grows these days.

Just came back from a rather interesting 10-minute walk in the gorgeous evening we’re having. First I accidentally scared the shit out of a woman that sounded exactly like Kathleen even if she didn’t look anything like her when I said hello to her. She didn’t hear me coming up behind her. She had come out to gaze at the moon.

Then I was nearly sprayed by a skunk. There’s an area coming back down the roller coaster heading toward the house that’s got both a retaining wall and a chain-link fence. Well, the thing had just jumped up onto the wall that was behind the fence as I passed by. I moved away quickly when I heard the sound. Then I would walk a few feet and it would follow. Then I would stop and it would stop. And back and forth and back and forth we went. Finally, I just booked it back to the house.

Will be seeing the PA at the dermatologist in Folsom on Friday. The doctor will be able to see me quickly if need be. Need to push my schedule 2 hours a day, 45 minutes more than it usually jumps on average. Good thing I like coffee!

Today has been the best day since I started burning really bad and once again I’m pretty sure that it was a reaction to the steroid cream. The question is what are my other options for when I start having the kind of burning (and itching) that comes with having LS? To think that I may be burning and itching even just half of the time I’ve got left to live makes me want to beat my head into the wall. Again, better than anxiety but no way to live. I still believe that quality of life is much more important than quantity. If I’m just going to suffer most days, then I’m not sure I want to live. The only thing that’s held me back this long is not wanting to abandon Tom when he should have 20-25 years left to live.

Chatted briefly with Marie and it’s the same old sorry story. The last time we talked she was supposedly doing great. She swore off love, booze, had her own place, and had a job delivering pets. Now she’s jobless, broke, and living with her sisters in New York after another failed relationship in which she claims the woman went psycho and wouldn’t leave her alone. As for the job, she says the guy she was working for turned out to be an asshole and owes her money.

She posted some pictures of herself. She’s all gray now. While she looks wonderfully fit and healthy, I still don’t get why you would want to look like a guy if you’re not attracted to them. I also don’t get why other lesbians would be attracted to that. Aren’t they too, supposed to not be attracted to men?

Got up at 1 p.m. and I have to stay up till he goes to work. That’s not until 5:30 a.m. So I’ll be having an extra cup of coffee tonight and hoping the planes quit annoying me. They’ve been bad again. With my shit luck I’ll make it till 5:30 but then will get up at the same time I did today and have to stay up even longer since Wednesday’s goal is going to be 7:30 a.m. Oh well. Worst case scenario, I fall asleep for a few hours in the early morning before the appointment, which is at 10:45.

Going to try to keep myself busy but not do anything too strenuous that will tire me down. That’s why I’m not going to exercise for long periods of time. Maybe I’ll finally finish my revenge story.

So far today we made a Safeway order which will be delivered tomorrow for some things we need until Friday when we do the regular order, plus I’ve chatted with Aly, and am doing writing-related projects. Later I’ll work on the dollhouse and maybe do some coloring.

I’m just glad I have the sleeping earbuds to lower my chances of traffic waking me up so I don’t have to have that stress on top of me as well. However, I think I know what the next road project is going to be and that’s paving the road that runs in back of the house. It looks terrible and I can’t believe they’re just going to leave it that way. They’ve been paving various sections of the park for quite a while now and it’s only inevitable that they get to us. It’s just a matter of what part of my schedule the road games will hit.

Woke up in pain with my crotch feeling like it was on fire and got so pissed off and frustrated at the suffering I’ve been doing ever since we’ve lived here that I actually slammed my fist on my desk and flung off my portable AC and a bottle of water. OMG, I am just so, SO sick of suffering! While this may be the lesser evil, I am not going to be driven crazy all over again while I scramble to try to figure out how to make myself better. I will not play that game again. I will not.

I said I was done with the appointment game and that I was just going to suffer no matter what, but that’s easy to say until you have such intense burning and pain. Even though I know it’s not going to do me a damn bit of good, I may have to return to the dermatologist. Well, that is only if they don’t tell me they can’t get me in for 3 months or something like that. If that’s the case I may as well either continue suffering or go to Urgent Care.

I’m starting to wonder if some of this intense burning that’s been coming and going is actually steroid damage. So I’ve stopped the steroids. The thing is, what else can I do??? I’ve tried everything I can think of yet it’s not responding to anything. There doesn’t seem to be any kind of pattern. It comes on whenever and it stops whenever. I’m not sure seeing anybody about it is going to help because we already know it’s not an infection and it’s not cancer so why go for temporary solutions that have side effects? If they can’t help me I’m going to have to either accept and live with the pain or kill myself. There really doesn’t seem to be much else I can do.

I can’t help but wonder if there is a God up there that has made this happen or is at least allowing it to happen or if it’s all just random. I want so bad to throw in the towel and just kill myself but I don’t know that I’d have the guts unless anything happened to Tom, and I don’t want to abandon him when he may have another 20-25 years left to live.

Besides suffering, I got a wireless earbud like what Tom has only mine is rose gold instead of white.

I continue to hear annoying landscaping sounds every single day and right now I’m wishing that was my only complaint. I really miss the days when my problems were external. Even the allergy attacks I would have would be better than this. This shit is even worse than my TMJ. It’s not as bad as anxiety but it’s worse than being light-headed or tired.

I had a dream that I was sleeping on a cot in the same room my parents were sleeping in. It may have been a living room. I heard rustling coming from another part of the house and woke them up, certain that someone had broken in. Then I could see light and shadows moving under the doorway just as they were pushing the covers off their faces which led to another part of the house.

Then I had a dream that I was talking to both Andy and Marla on the phone. Later I was sitting by myself in a restaurant booth, looking out the window and silently scolding myself for spending too much time on social media and the phone when I should be doing other things.

I unblocked Palma and “reacted” to a couple of her posts. Just curious as to what her reaction might be. I realize I was just being unnecessarily paranoid by blocking her, and even if she did say anything nasty to me, so what? They’re just words. All I have to do is ignore her and or block her again for good.

Just when I thought I was getting better since I didn’t have much pain yesterday, I’m back to burning to the point that I feel like someone took a razor and made a little slit down there or like they’re pinching me between their fingernails. It was driving me crazy enough to take a Benadryl so I could escape in sleep if only for a few hours since nothing else I did seemed to help. It’s a little better now but not much.

I just don’t know what to do. Do I go back to the dermatologist? Do I stop the steroids?

Even though this is definitely the lesser of the two evils, I feel like I’m going through the same shit I went through with the anxiety of going crazy trying to figure out how to help myself, and feeling like it’s never going to end. I will not, and I repeat, I will not succumb to another medical crisis! If there is a God up there who has chosen to inflict this upon me, I will not give in to it. I will not be a victim of one medical crisis after another for the rest of my life. I simply will not.

I would really like to just accept the fact that it’s not going away, toughen up, and hope it doesn’t get worse. I’d really like to just learn to live with it and hope I get so used to it that I don’t even notice it anymore if that’s even possible since it’s that severe. Yes, I worry about it getting worse to the point that it’s hard for me to even walk, and yes, I worry about it obstructing my pee hole, but I’m tired of being a victim of one problem after another. I need to learn to ignore these things as best as I can for ignorance really is bliss. Yes, it’s hard to ignore something when you’re in that much pain but I really need to move on. I’m not old and I don’t have anything terminal, so since I have many years ahead of me, I need to learn to just live with the shit I get in life whether it’s coming at me by happenstance or from something up there that wants me to suffer. I’m not going to let this be the next long-term crisis even if it may not compare to the freeloaders, poverty, and the anxiety crises. It may not be a crisis but it may be the new ear that was really TMJ and I’m determined not to let it get to me. I want to just wash my hands clean of it, walk away and ignore it like I should have with the freeloaders’ legal abuse down in Arizona. As I’ve learned, I can either sit back and take it, fight back, or just not give in to it by letting it get to me so much. It’s not going away, so since this problem is mine for life, I just have to accept it like with my TMJ, my thyroid, my weight, and everything else. So time to be a good little sufferer.

We went to Michael’s in the afternoon and while they had some cute things that I would have then been quick to grab had I found them in the ‘90s, I didn’t end up getting anything because I already have so much stuff.

Then we went swimming. We were the only ones there. I just wish they would heat the damn pool normally instead of being so greedy! The water was pretty chilly because we had some cool nights. And even though we weren’t there long, this annoying plane was buzzing round and round. Ironically enough, though, the flying has been better overall since I complained. Of course I had to listen to tree saws and traffic, though.

Last night I dreamed about Johnson. I’m not sure what the dream was about but it seemed to have something to do with me being her girlfriend. I don’t know if I was just thinking about being her girlfriend or if I actually was.

Then Nane was in a dream but I don’t remember enough of it to say what it was about.

Feeling much better than I have the last few days. Yesterday I was burning so badly and feeling really hopeless. Just maybe the Emuaid will help after all. Wondering if the steroids could be responsible for some of the burning.

Yesterday I was pissed because you can no longer message doctors through the portal due to changes they’re making. It said something about possibly being able to message them again as soon as September 19th. What that really translates to is you’re probably not going to be able to message them for a very long time if ever again.

Checking into bidets and thinking that might be a good thing to have. If we were in Florida, the temperature wouldn’t matter. But since it gets pretty cold here in the winters, I’d like one that heats the water. I don’t need a warm dryer because I can always use toilet paper to dry myself.

Tom looked at me down there yesterday and he said it looks normal even though he could see the white spots that usually come with LS.

Today’s one of those days when I want to cry. However, the tears don’t come easy when you’ve had EMDR. I’m depressed, I’m angry, I’m frustrated, and I’m worried. Still having burning galore down there and I’m unable to message my doctor over the portal. The assholes are making changes and so now we might be able to message them again as soon as September 19th.

I know I could call but treatment isn’t helping me, and even if it did, it’s just a quick fix. The Emuaid is looking like it was a waste of money and I don’t think the Tucks helps either. It’s like something up there wants me to suffer. I’m wondering if the steroids might be making me worse. They should stop the burning, not worsen it.

I’m tired of running to doctors and I want to just ignore this but I don’t know if the pain will let me. It’s like something not only wants me to suffer but wants to keep me going to doctors regularly. I could make an appointment with the dermatologist but again, all I’m going to get is a quick fix that comes with plenty of side effects, and it will probably take months to get in to see someone to begin with.

The best I can do is learn to suffer and hope I can adapt to this kind of pain and that it doesn’t get worse by sealing any openings, particularly my urethra and ass. I wonder if I’ll always be deformed down there but how I look doesn’t matter as opposed to how I feel. It’s just that how I look is a sign of how advanced it’s gotten. I really worry it’s gonna block my pee hole.

Why is it that ever since we moved into this house I’ve had nothing but health issues galore and I’ve had to listen to more noise than all the places I’ve lived in combined? The only good we have here is money. Damn, do I miss the days when my problems were external! Instead, I’m afraid I’m going to keep racking up one incurable disease after another. The symptoms for LS are worse than the hypo symptoms because those don’t hurt. They’re annoying as hell but they don’t cause pain like LS.

I don’t know if there’s a connection but I’m also peeing up a storm like I would when I’d be waterlogged. Lately, I’ve been having to get up twice during my sleep to pee.

I don’t know what to do. I really feel stuck on this one and like it’s either live to suffer or drop dead.

The only thing I have to look forward to is a whole lot of food at the end of the day. We’ve got a huge variety coming. I realize I got carried away with the sodium and therefore my blood pressure is up, but I’ll get back on track soon enough if I’m ever not distracted by pain. For now, I really needed a break from the same old, same old, so I’ve got all kinds of things coming that are both healthy and not. They had a deal where if you get $150 of groceries they give you $25 off, so that’s why we got so much. It’s easy to jack the price up when you attack the seafood section. So I will be indulging in coconut-fried shrimp, baked shrimp, and shrimp scampi like crazy!

I was all set to cut my hair because I’m sick of it and it never grows anymore but then I decided to start wearing it in a braid as much as I can and see if that coaxes any growth. I’m going to be cutting it soon enough either way because I’m tired of long hair.

Last night I dreamed we were living in an apartment building and we met this guy who was our neighbor. I’m not sure which one of us moved in first but he didn’t seem all there. Even though he asked if I would not cook anything after 9 p.m. so the smell wouldn’t bother him, I agreed, saying that if anything it would help me cut back.

Then there was some dream about telling Dr. O that I was testing my own TSH which seemed to be worse.

In the last dream, I got a call from Kathleen and she seemed really overworked and overburdened. I think she was more than just the office administrator in the dream but she also did some of the dental work as well.

Then I was at the dentist’s office which looked nothing like it does and said, “So you won’t be able to see me?”

She looked doubtful and then whispered in secret to me that they were looking for a new dentist which I knew meant that the dentist was retiring soon.

If it’s normal to pee just 6 times a day, why have I already done that after being up for just two and a half hours?

Woke up to a chilly 74 degrees inside the house. I don’t like it under 76 degrees.

I wonder if the Twenties had their church group over last night? If they did they sure were quiet about it.

Lichen sclerosis might be spelled lichen sclerosus but I’ll just call it LS. Still hurting down there but not as bad as yesterday. We went and ordered that Emuaid but I probably won’t start using it until tomorrow because it’s going to come towards the end of my day. We’ll see. For now, I gently sprayed water down there without using soap as was recommended online. Then I dabbed the area with an apple cider vinegar-soaked cotton ball, and then I put the aquifer on.

Tom thinks that since stress can aggravate autoimmune diseases the stress of the roadwork over the last couple of days added to my pain. I just hate whatever is up there if there is anything up there, and I really hope there isn’t! Again, I’d hate to think there’s something up there that could control this and help me but has chosen to sit on its ass while I suffer. It may not be like when I was in the worst of my anxiety but it’s definitely not comfortable walking around feeling like your crotch is on fire and worrying that it’s going to get progressively worse to the point that you might need surgery. Thankfully, it can’t get in the vag. You try to keep it from getting worse but as soon as you take a day off from steroids, which you can’t use every single day of your life, it spreads.

Last night I had a dream that I was visiting someone who lived in my grandparents’ house. Unlike in reality, I could see the house I lived in from that house. Whoever was living in my house had removed the shed and the fences in back so that they could drive around to the back of the house and park additional cars there. In the time I visited, I noticed the same car came and went a few times and thought of how that was so typical to come and go that often in modern times.

The only dreams I remember were very vague snippets. Larry was to visit Andy’s family. When I caught Andy alone at one point I asked if my brother was still there (they might have been having dinner somewhere) and he said he left after saying he had “murder to grow.” I knew this meant that he was involved in law enforcement somehow.

Then my mother was sitting at a small table with Charlotte. Charlotte looked at me funny and I wondered if it was because I had gained weight since she last saw me or if she just wasn’t all there. Either way, I ignored her and reminded my mother that the two mannequins we got were for me to learn to sew and that we needed to get working on that. I guess we were doing a project together.

Then Mom and some guy were visiting. I was on the couch while they were on the floor. We were watching a video they’d made. I told Mom to let me know if she wanted to sit on the couch. Then Tom and I were in another room watching the vid on a larger couch.

My new rat tote is awesome! The large photo of the Berkshire rat on it is clear and cool looking. I’m able to put my purse right inside it. This way I get a quick and easy change from a pink purse to a rat tote without having to empty out and move my stuff.

Still have irritation right at the opening of my pussy and I wonder just how bad it could get if I stop treating it. Is my crotch the new ear? The new ear that turned out to be TMJ that I’ll have to suffer from for 12 years before someone finally suggests something that’s actually helpful?

I wish I had something good to say other than that the noise has been absolutely maddening around here. If someone had told me that the noisiest place I would live in would be an adult community, I would have laughed my ass off. Although I’ve only lived in one, it tells me that it’s pointless to confine our searches to adult communities only when we go to move.

Later…

I think I found my next crisis. Or better yet, I think it found me. The lichen sclerosis I have is getting worse. Further research shows that it can change the looks of you down there as well as with male privates, though it’s usually something that affects postmenopausal women, and sometimes you may need surgery because the inner and outer lips can stick together. Lovely, huh?

So I took a look down there and yeah, it looks deformed. I can’t feel my clit either. Some woman who shared her story said something about the clit flattening and having treatment to get it to re-emerge. So I guess it’s there since so far I’m still able to pee as usual but it’s mashed flat or something like that.

It’s gross and disgusting and it makes me so fucking angry. If there is a God up there, damn the motherfucker to hell and back! As if I haven’t had enough shit in life. It is literally one thing after another with me. I don’t know that this will escalate to a full-scale crisis in the way it did with the shitsters in Arizona, the poverty we went through, or what I went through with my meds and anxiety, but it’s bad enough. I’m inflamed, in pain, and burning a hell of a lot more than I am itching. Definitely too noticeable to ignore. I’m fucked if this shit causes me to bleed and affects my ass. I can’t imagine being able to shit if this thing invades my ass any more than I can imagine being able to have sex with the way it’s really affected the area around my pussy.

My research shows that it’s not deadly in any way and can’t get inside the vag but I still worry it’s going to keep getting worse to the point that I’m not even able to walk. What happens when I start bleeding? What happens if it hurts too much to pee? What happens if it hurts too much to shit? Then what? It can partially block the urethra and cause a “spray” to the piss but it hasn’t gotten to that point yet.

Some say apple cider vinegar, as well as coconut oil, can relieve the symptoms and then there’s this natural remedy backed by a board-certified doctor called Emuaid but I’m just not sure what the fuck to do anymore. Or even if there is anything I can do but suffer and hope I one day get used to it somehow, some way.

I’m just tired of having one thing after another! It’s like something up there hexed me sexually all my life by denying me true lust and pairing me with sexually defunct partners, and now it’s cursing my very sex directly. What’s next? Will it go after my uterus or something? I really wish I would get something that would just kill me but I know I won’t. If there’s anything up there, then it obviously wants me to suffer so it’s not going to kill me just yet. I could wish I’d kept my mouth shut about the spot on my back, but I know that had I not said anything it would have simply resulted in more pain and aggravation for me. Not death.

I’d like to not give whatever may be up there that has thrown this on me the satisfaction of giving into it, but again, some things you just can’t ignore. I’d like to just close my mind and eyes to it and simply walk away but then I may suffer even more. Or maybe not. I just don’t know. I’ve been dealing with it, after all, by treating it, and I’m still suffering. So how do you ignore something that you can’t?

I don’t know if this should make me feel more picked on or not but while thyroid diseases are very common and there are something like 30 million cases in the US, there are less than 200,000 cases of lichen sclerosis in the country.

The only good thing I have to say at the moment is that other than the time the loud car came in at 7:30 in the morning, it’s definitely putting in much fewer appearances.

Also, the roadwork has wound down even though I know that in a matter of days, someone will start another project somewhere that I’ll have to listen to for days if not weeks on end.

I also got my horse tats and my glittery birds and flowers. They look nice. I have a flower and bird on my chest and arm, and a horse on my hand and calf.

So far I’ve assembled three dressers, a desk, a chair, a shelf, and the bathtub. Next, I have to do a vanity basket, the sink and mirror, and then the beds and patio furniture. After that, I can begin the actual assembly of the house. There may be some outdoor accessories as well to assemble like plants.

I love it when people post whatever they want regardless of who it may offend, expect nothing but support, then get all upset should I post something they don’t understand or like. Well, just for the record, never again will I explain or defend anything I post. You post what you want. I’ll post what I want. And yes, this time you’re correct in assuming I’m talking about you, and while I will always love and support you, I have just as much right to be myself as you do, and well, you know who you are. ;-)

The above paragraph is not only very true but is something I posted publicly on Facebook as well as on Blogger. Just letting people know where I stand without any hard feelings of any kind. I just get tired of the dual standards at times. I’m expected to just smile, support and accept what others do while they call me out when I speak my own mind about whatever and that’s just wrong. It’s selfish. It’s unfair. And I have zero tolerance for one-sided relationships of any kind.

There are some people that I will always love but I definitely don’t always like them. I understand that we all have faults and no one’s perfect, but hey, you can’t expect to be hypocritical and judgmental of others and for everyone to be okay with that because some of us aren’t. I know I’m not. My Facebook account is not only my Facebook account and while I never include sensitive info, my journal is also my journal. If I’ve got something to say in my accounts, I’ll say it. So should others in their accounts WITHOUT questioning the rights of others to do the very same thing in their accounts. :-)

I have gone over and over again in my mind whether or not I should wish Tammy a happy birthday and happy anniversary on Facebook later this week but then decided against it because she hasn’t responded to my last message. She and her fat brats are just too selfish, narcissistic, aggressive, emotional, paranoid, not always very bright, and I don’t want or need that kind of drama in my life. Just like with Andy, I feel there is more negative to positive to being connected with them, and I would rather let that positive go in order to avoid the negative. If they contact me and want to talk, though, then fine. It could be that she hasn’t responded because she’s been sick…as usual.

Interesting info from Bob just now. Do he and Virginia have an enemy or something? I saw him walking out back with his coffee when I went to see what was going on down the street. I asked him if they were replacing the cobblestone and he said he didn’t know. I told him I still can’t believe how much goes on here and then he reached into a bush just beyond where his garage is and said, “Who the hell is breaking these off?”

Apparently, someone’s been going around breaking off branches to one of their bushes. They appeared to have been cut off. He pulled out three of them. Knowing how well he keeps up on his place, they certainly weren’t sticking out into the road so it makes me wonder if they pissed someone off because who would take the time to pick on just that one bush? If they’re picking on others of theirs, I don’t know. If someone is targeting them that would be an ideal bush to pick on because they can’t see back there as easily.

I didn’t find anything funny-looking within our stuff. It just looks bad as usual. Half dead, overgrown shit that we usually have.

I was telling him about Tom’s ear and he said he finally broke down and got hearing aids a while back and I said I would love to trade with them. He laughed and asked if I like tomatoes. He said they’re ripening funny this year and he’ll give me a few over the next few days. I guess they’re half-ripe or something.

It’ll be interesting to get Tom’s take on the branch cutting. Definitely didn’t look like they would fall off and they definitely appeared to be cut. They wouldn’t need a saw to do it. Not sure they could be broken off by hand but pruning shears would do it. I’m not only curious but hoping there’s no senile nutjob doing this that is going to work on our place next, although unlike him, we could use the pruning!

So I talked to Mr. Twenties during the chaos and this isn’t just about filling in sinkholes. Comcast fucked up just like I said they would and knew they would so I could be cursed with having to listen to repairs. They cut some sewer lines and that’s why Roto-Rooter has been around. So it’s a complex situation. I’m sure they’re fucking up the repairs too and that in less than a month I’ll have to listen to this shit all over again. Thank God I’m not trying to sleep now because even with the earbud I would think the vibration would wake me up.

So Jon tells me he’s no longer doing Facebook much because of the way they’re spying on its users. He also complains about selecting not to be tracked yet his browsers track him anyway. As I told him, I don’t care who knows what I do online. Then he says, “I’ve got three strikes against me. I’m a vet. I’m a Christian. And I’m a conservative.”

I guess in his mind he feels this will set him up to be harassed in some way. I joked with him and said well I’ve got marks against me, too. I’m liberal and my family was Jewish. Then he went into this whole speech about how special Jews are and that’s why they’ve been persecuted so much. I guess people are jealous of us Jews that are born with one ear, to bitches like my mother, get to be a ward of the state, get to go through poverty, be sexually hexed, develop annoying and incurable diseases, and have the ultimate sleep curse from hell. Yes, do persecute me for that. I deserve it if I’m going to be that special. rolls eyes

He feels the same way as far as blacks and Muslims go though admits that he has known some blacks who were wonderful. Yeah, I’ve known a few as well. It’s just that the pit bulls far outnumber the Basenjis.

They finally got the bastard that ran him over. He says he’s in jail and will never be able to drive again. They’re awaiting trial. I’m happy for him but couldn’t help but feel a touch of sadness for myself in that I know that had I been the victim, they would still be running around out there never to be held accountable.

I knew it. I just knew it. I was hoping the new daycare job Aly started today would mean she wouldn’t be able to text me while she was there. I said to myself, watch, she’ll probably sneak in a text during lunch or break. Looks like she did just that too, but I’m not going to pick them up until after 1 o’clock my time just like I told her earlier. It would be great if she eventually went to full-time and could text less often. I love her and I love texting. Just not a dozen times a day.

Been horribly drowsy today even though I slept fine. I suspect my steroid ointment. I probably put too much on and I definitely didn’t wipe afterward.

I’m going to be too tired to do much work on the dollhouse today. So far I only managed to make a pillow that’s barely as big as my pinky fingernail.

Aly starts work part-time at a daycare center tomorrow. Hoping she won’t be able to text me while she’s working. LOL, first I missed hearing from her and now I wish I’d hear from her a little less often. Too much is simply too much. Plus, there’s only so much I can update her on in the course of a few hours or less. I’m sure she’ll find ways to text me during breaks, though, just like Marie would.

Last night I dreamed that Lisa gave a sad “reaction” to something I posted to someone else’s FB wall, signaling to me that she no longer held a grudge against me. Then I learned she was getting married. In the dream, I wondered if she would have kids and noticed her profile picture was incredibly beautiful.

In reality, she could never react to a comment of mine unless she created another account to do it from because I’ve got her blocked as well. I know she would never unblock me either or forgive me for what I did and didn’t do to her. Just the fact that she blocked me around the time I went to Florida told me that much as well as not getting a response to the letter I gave to Tammy to give to her, assuming Tammy really did give it to her. I apologized for what I’m truly guilty of and that’s really all I can do. Her behavior has shown that I’m better off without her in my life. It may not be her fault that she’s bipolar but those are very hard to deal with. All nice and lovey-dovey one minute, then angry, accusatory and paranoid the next. I don’t need that hate and rage in my life. The whole damn family is like one big emotional bomb and I don’t want to get hit by the blast whenever there are explosions.