Today’s one of those days when I want to cry. However, the tears don’t come easy when you’ve had EMDR. I’m depressed, I’m angry, I’m frustrated, and I’m worried. Still having burning galore down there and I’m unable to message my doctor over the portal. The assholes are making changes and so now we might be able to message them again as soon as September 19th.

I know I could call but treatment isn’t helping me, and even if it did, it’s just a quick fix. The Emuaid is looking like it was a waste of money and I don’t think the Tucks helps either. It’s like something up there wants me to suffer. I’m wondering if the steroids might be making me worse. They should stop the burning, not worsen it.

I’m tired of running to doctors and I want to just ignore this but I don’t know if the pain will let me. It’s like something not only wants me to suffer but wants to keep me going to doctors regularly. I could make an appointment with the dermatologist but again, all I’m going to get is a quick fix that comes with plenty of side effects, and it will probably take months to get in to see someone to begin with.

The best I can do is learn to suffer and hope I can adapt to this kind of pain and that it doesn’t get worse by sealing any openings, particularly my urethra and ass. I wonder if I’ll always be deformed down there but how I look doesn’t matter as opposed to how I feel. It’s just that how I look is a sign of how advanced it’s gotten. I really worry it’s gonna block my pee hole.

Why is it that ever since we moved into this house I’ve had nothing but health issues galore and I’ve had to listen to more noise than all the places I’ve lived in combined? The only good we have here is money. Damn, do I miss the days when my problems were external! Instead, I’m afraid I’m going to keep racking up one incurable disease after another. The symptoms for LS are worse than the hypo symptoms because those don’t hurt. They’re annoying as hell but they don’t cause pain like LS.

I don’t know if there’s a connection but I’m also peeing up a storm like I would when I’d be waterlogged. Lately, I’ve been having to get up twice during my sleep to pee.

I don’t know what to do. I really feel stuck on this one and like it’s either live to suffer or drop dead.

The only thing I have to look forward to is a whole lot of food at the end of the day. We’ve got a huge variety coming. I realize I got carried away with the sodium and therefore my blood pressure is up, but I’ll get back on track soon enough if I’m ever not distracted by pain. For now, I really needed a break from the same old, same old, so I’ve got all kinds of things coming that are both healthy and not. They had a deal where if you get $150 of groceries they give you $25 off, so that’s why we got so much. It’s easy to jack the price up when you attack the seafood section. So I will be indulging in coconut-fried shrimp, baked shrimp, and shrimp scampi like crazy!

I was all set to cut my hair because I’m sick of it and it never grows anymore but then I decided to start wearing it in a braid as much as I can and see if that coaxes any growth. I’m going to be cutting it soon enough either way because I’m tired of long hair.

Last night I dreamed we were living in an apartment building and we met this guy who was our neighbor. I’m not sure which one of us moved in first but he didn’t seem all there. Even though he asked if I would not cook anything after 9 p.m. so the smell wouldn’t bother him, I agreed, saying that if anything it would help me cut back.

Then there was some dream about telling Dr. O that I was testing my own TSH which seemed to be worse.

In the last dream, I got a call from Kathleen and she seemed really overworked and overburdened. I think she was more than just the office administrator in the dream but she also did some of the dental work as well.

Then I was at the dentist’s office which looked nothing like it does and said, “So you won’t be able to see me?”

She looked doubtful and then whispered in secret to me that they were looking for a new dentist which I knew meant that the dentist was retiring soon.