Feeling a bit anxious so I’ll skip my poison tomorrow just to be safe.

I’m also feeling tired and a little down. I’m sure part of it is because I slept shittily and I haven’t exactly been eating healthy either. I just wish I could stop worrying about death, dying and suffering and who’s going to be there for us in the end after opting out of having kids and the usual shit. The thing is I don’t just worry about the end. I worry about how much suffering we may have to do between now and the end. I have suffered so, so much for nearly half a decade now. You would think I would be used to it by now but some things you just can’t adapt to.

I used a Tucks pad after my shower in hopes of it keeping me from burning or itching.

I was thinking of the fallout I had with Tammy and my nieces and while I have always been a firm believer in being true to myself and as honest as possible with those close to me, sometimes I wonder if the people-pleasing might have been the better way to go. I swore I would never be a people pleaser but I can see where it would be easier if I just came out and apologized for everything. I mean everything. Even the things I didn’t do like supposedly telling Dad that I started talking with Lisa sooner than we did. After all, they wouldn’t know I was lying since they believe the lie is the truth, and then everybody would be happy and maybe we could all get along. But I would know I was lying and while being a people-pleaser may keep the peace, do I really want them in my life either way? They’ve chosen to ignore me so I don’t have a choice at the moment but I still have mixed emotions about having them in my life regardless. We’re very different from each other in personalities, interests and beliefs. Okay, so Tammy may share my feelings on Muslims and blacks, and she may like to read too, but for the most part, they’re religious, conceited, selfish, narcissistic, aggressive, emotionally, vindictive, unstable people. Would that really be good for me? Probably not. But a part of me is still sad that things have come to where they are now.

So do I be myself and risk losing people? Or do I be a people pleaser and keep the peace? I guess for now I’ll remain true to myself and honest with them which means only taking responsibility for what I’ve actually done and not what they think I’ve done. I may change my mind and my ways later on, but for now I’ll continue to be the way I usually am even if some may call it stubborn. Stubborn for not giving in to what they want to hear.

Anyway, it really does seem like something up there is determined to see to it that I sleep shitty when I sleep during the daytime no matter what. Traffic didn’t wake me up but I woke up a million times either just because, because I thought I smelled something weird, because of the neck knockers from too much sodium lately, because I had to pee, etc.

Tom doesn’t think they’re going to pave behind the house anytime soon. He says they wouldn’t have bothered to pave the sinkholes if they were going to. Well, I’m sure there will be something else soon enough. It may be by the park or one of the neighbors but there’s pretty much always something.

The only dream I remember despite waking up so much was something about reconnecting with Miss Perfect. I was sitting in a room chatting with her. I was on a couch and she sat in a plush chair sort of across from me and by a window. I had some treats on a plate on the arm of the couch. I went to pick up what looked like colorful sprinkles wrapped in this clear substance. I thought it would remain intact but before I could put it in my mouth, it burst and the sprinkles fell all over the couch and my lap.

Going through old journals has reminded me of some people from the past, both good and bad. Nissan P who is now Nissan C was one of them. I finally found her on Facebook. She has a couple of accounts but one doesn’t appear to have been updated since 2014 and the other since 2016. Both profile pictures look like they were taken in the ‘80s based on the type of picture and the hairstyle she had. Her makeup was done perfectly, she had a beautiful smile, and she was definitely a very attractive person. I’m sure that’s part of why she was such a judgmental bitch. Stereotypical or not, those are the ones who usually are.

What was weird was that in the account that hasn’t been updated since 2014 was a picture of an Asian baby that she referred to as her own child. But she’s 62 now. It seems odd that one would refer to themselves as “mama” if it was a grandkid, and she would have been in her late 50s when it was born which would be a bit late to be adopting, wouldn’t it?

I found her address and looked at her house on Google Maps. She’s lived in Springfield all her life. “Bet the bitch is in a gorgeous house,” I thought to myself, but nope. The house is actually kind of small and dumpy.

Oh, those fucking planes. Just when you think it’s nice that they’ve given you a break they start swarming round and round. I am so fucking sick of hearing that nonstop buzzing so much of the time! Nighttime is the only time there is no landscaping and other projects yet I still can’t have my fucking peace even then.

So anyway, I messaged Nissan on both accounts and apologized for not handling things too well back in the day though I didn’t think her stealing my “notes” on her, however borne of loneliness and wishful thinking they may have been, was exactly the right thing to do. Nonetheless, I told her I had no hard feelings and that while I had a lot of growing up to do back then, I was hurt that she turned on me like she did. I asked if she had anything to do with the prank calls I got in 1990 and if she knew Linda J but I don’t expect her to ever read the message, let alone actually respond to it. She’ll ignore or block but my guess is ignore.

She only has a few friends and has opted out of being added, so she’s either very private or very unliked.

I’m kind of tired of Marie’s up-and-down ways and feeling like I’m riding a roller coaster when dealing with her. She deactivates on Facebook regularly and changes accounts, and it’s just hard to keep up with her. One minute all is wonderful. She’s sworn off love, quit the booze, has her own place, and is working regularly. The next she’s broke, living with her sisters, jobless, and going through a breakup that’s never her fault. Ever. I could have left her on my friend list in case she reactivated but I decided to unfriend both her and Kim.

Yeah, Kim deactivated and told me she hardly used FB but Aly and I think she probably got into it with someone, deactivated, and has begun anew. I never could understand why she would do this and not just block the person she’s having problems with, but she’s known for multiple accounts and she’s likely still there. I don’t mind not being connected to her there, though. Twitter and texting are more than enough. I guess Facebook is her only connection to someone she went to high school with, according to Aly, so she wouldn’t just leave.

Later…

Another possibility for Nissan’s baby could be that Nissan is with a much younger woman who had the child. Could be a foster kid but it’s kind of hard to believe you would refer to yourself as its mama.

I’ve tried numerous times to look up Brenda and Kacey. But the last name Stephens is very common and the first name Kathleen is definitely very common. If Nissan didn’t have such a unique name it would have been much harder to find her.

Damn, I can’t imagine being 62 years old and spending every single year of it living there. To never live anywhere else but that dumpy city is a sad thought. At least to me anyway.

Here’s something weird. On one account she has no friends, likes or comments and on another, she has 3. I noticed that one of them appeared to block me and thought, why would a friend of hers that I never even contacted (though I did contact a different friend of hers in case she doesn’t check her messages, hoping they might give her a heads up) go and block me? My first thought was Nissan told him about me and he blocked me but then I figured that if that was really the case, Nissan would have blocked me as well. So I went into Tom’s account and couldn’t pull up that account from there either. So he probably deactivated or there’s some kind of glitch going on because I can’t believe he would block me while she didn’t and then magically know my husband’s name and which account was his to block.

I also shared one of Nissan’s updates and then invited her to Messenger on her other account, but my guess is that she hasn’t used Facebook in years.

Several months ago I did a prayer experiment even though I suspected what the results would be. I prayed to lose weight. I prayed for Kathleen’s friendship. And I prayed for the anxiety to never return. Well, not a single prayer was granted. Should I bother to pray for a response from Nissan, negative or not? Definitely not! There’s nothing up there. Nothing at all. And if there is, it ain’t listening to me. Well, if it is, it’s definitely ignoring me. Seriously, if I ever wanted to see my prayers answered, that would be easy as hell if I prayed for the “right” things. Watch, this is how I get them answered… Dear God, please make sure I have that nasty anxiety at least every now and then if you’re not going to give it to me as often as you used to. Please make sure I never lose more than a few pounds. Ever. Oh, and don’t forget to make sure I don’t hear a damn thing from Nissan, and if I ever see Kathleen again, make sure she doesn’t contact me even if she mentions getting together again. Lastly, always, always fill my days and even parts of my nights with plenty of noise, aches, pains, worries, and itchiness. Make me suffer more than half the time in some way shape or form. In fact, Why not pick out a new disease suitable for a piece of shit like me. Let’s see… How about lupus? No. I’ve got a better idea. Since you don’t quite hate me enough to kill me just yet, how about diabetes? Parkinson’s? Yeah, I think that would be great for a piece of shit like me. I deserve it for sure, so please God, please grant me all these things. Oh please, I know you will. You surely will! You love me. I know you do. You always love me when I ask for what I don’t want. I just know you do.

Nane is 58 today. I asked Christiane to please wish her a happy birthday. The dancing dots then appeared signaling that she was replying but nothing came through. Really hope Facebook isn’t on one of their failed message-send trips. Anyway, I still miss the judgmental hypocrite, so please God, make sure I never hear from her.

See? God really does answer some of my prayers after all…if He exists.

Now that guy’s account is visible again, so yeah, just a glitch.

Had a dream the old lady in Grand Prairie was just finishing up making her bed and I thought it hardly seemed wide enough for her and her husband. In real life, they have separate rooms just like Tom and I do. Speaking of her, she hasn’t looked in on me lately. Something wrong with her? She’s old and ill so there could be.

Got an Alexa device for the car and tomorrow I should have a 3-pack of medium brown hair dye. Definitely don’t have to dye it as much with the bangs and with how slow it grows these days.