Tom made a doctor’s appointment for this Friday. He said he told them he didn’t care which doctor he saw and will be seeing a male. As long as they do their jobs, it doesn’t matter who or what they are, I suppose. Anyway, I’ll bet my doll collection that when they ask their routine question – any problems with sex? – he’ll say no. I tell you, this man wants to be the way he is and he doesn’t want a kid any more than he wants a tumor. I’m sure he’ll give me some lame excuse like how he didn’t have time to mention it, or maybe he’ll lie and say he did mention it and say that the doctor said to just keep plugging away at it, which none would say to a guy who’s only cum 15 times with their partner in 7 years. A doctor would probably recommend some kind of therapy before recommending any drugs, cuz this is obviously a psychological problem and not a physical problem. The guy needs to either let go of his fears of impregnating me or get on birth control. Nonetheless, I hope his not feeling well is just a case of him not eating right and him maybe needing vitamins and not the onset of a serious illness.

Speaking of sex, we got together yesterday for our usual cumless, predictable Sunday sex where he screwed me with those slow, controlled movements.

I just wish he’d stop saying he was going to do things or make changes we both know he has no intention of making. We both knew he would trash his office here and that that’s what he wanted to do, and sure enough, his office is in worse mayhem than last weekend and it’ll only get worse. Eventually, I’ll have to tiptoe through piles of clutter to walk through the room just as I did in Phoenix.

The only other thing I heard during the weekend was this really weird sound that could only be heard outside. It was barely audible and I’m not sure if it was music or not. If it was music, it sure was some really strange music.

The p-dogs are getting braver and braver, coming within a few feet of the stairs I stand on when feeding them. It was so cute earlier how I went out with the bag of lettuce that they could hear rustling, then one of them came running towards me like a cat or a dog would.

Tom called another trailer-hauling place and they want a ridiculous 900 bucks to disconnect and haul it here with no setup work involved. They told him it’d cost more than the trailer was worth. He didn’t ask when they could do it cuz they’re such rip-offs. Tom’s going to tell Mom that if she insists on paying such an outrageous fee – fine, but she might as well just give us the 900 bucks to buy a nice shed.

I made a wonderful addition to my shit list. Now, why didn’t I think of this before? It only hit me last night to see if I could find Bill’s address online, and I did. There were two William G’s listed. One in Fairfield and one in Oakdale, and I was like – Oakdale? I never even heard of it. Anyway, I guessed the right Bill to be the Oakdale one cuz that one was in the same area code as Tammy. I called there and proved my guess to be right. I recognized the voice instantly, although I played with his head for a minute. That’s either one very stupid cock or a very tired one since it was 1:30 in the morning when I called to make my confirmation.

Anyway, this little fuck will be getting a letter with a piece of my mind in it, right along with Larry, Ronnie, James, Alphonse and Bob C.

Later...

I hate God. Totally, totally hate him! I swear I hate him more and more each year. Pretty soon there’ll be no more hate left in me to give out. He just won’t leave us the fuck alone and let us live in peace! There’s always got to be one thing after another going on with us. He’s gone after the car again, but this is mild. This is just a blown tire. Wait till we have a major problem and the car won’t even drive. That’ll be within the next 6 months, I’m sure. Anyway, now it looks like we won’t get that trailer after all and that we’ll have to turn the title over to the trailer park. They won’t give us any money for it, though. Tom says this will make Evelyn unhappy, but if this is what happens, and if she gets upset with us – tough fucking shit. We didn’t do anything wrong and it was out of control. We did everything we could to get the damn thing. Anyway, Tom told Mary to think it over with Ma, and that we don’t mind taking it since they’re gonna pay for it, we just think 900 bucks is crazy and we’d rather her just give us that much in cash. We could get a shed bigger than the trailer for half that price.

See what I mean, though? All the bullshit we have to go through to get things is ridiculous! After God made us go through hell to get something we paid for, I knew he wasn’t gonna just let us have something for free. I can’t even have a fucking 4 dollar eBook! It looks like the site I ordered the book from is gonna rip us off. They told us we’d have the book in 24 hours and now it’s up to 72 hours. Yeah, right! And I still can’t get my fucking mail mailed to the people back east cuz Tom had to forget the priority mail stamp today. He only remembers the things that are most important to him.

Anyway, I’m frustrated, depressed, and pissed off at God and the crazy world he created!

Later...

Tom went to bed about an hour ago, and I barely forced myself to work out, and now I can write. I still don’t know what to do or what to think and I feel so helpless. First I find out that getting a book to a publisher is quite complicated even in this day and age, then a tire goes flat on the car, then we can’t have the trailer, and then I find out that he’s lied to me yet again. I can trust him with what I need, but not with what I want. I want him to always level with me, I told him for the millionth time. It’s not that he lied, but he held out on me. Unless he’s making things up, and I don’t know what to believe, like I said, because of his timing. He always seems to have a problem right when I do. Like he’s trying to turn the attention on himself instead of having to deal with me. To explain a little bit more of what I mean when I was bitching earlier about how it’s one fucking thing after another, it seemed quite a coincidence that he suddenly felt sick and had to lay down flat on the floor to let the blood get to his head. It was as if he figured he could get out of listening to me bitch by conveniently getting sick. And with conveniently getting better as soon as I’d gotten things out of my system, even though our problems are still our problems.

But maybe not. My worst fear has always been him dying before I do. Way before I do. I fear him suddenly dying of a heart attack. It’s always the good guy who’s fairly young, who doesn’t smoke, and who doesn’t have heart problems in his family, who suddenly up and dies of a heart attack. Today he told me he lied to me because he didn’t want to worry me, but that it’s more than just a case of him feeling rundown. He said he’s been having chest pains, pains in his left arm, and tingling in his face. These are signs of heart problems. Especially the first two. When he told me this I was like, oh my God! He’s gonna do it. God’s not just out to hassle me throughout my life and take away the things I want, but he’s out to kill me, cuz killing my husband means killing me. I swear that the minute I ever found out he was dead, I’ll hang myself without a moment’s hesitation!

What he’s got to understand is that this holding out on me dampens my trust in him even further. If he’s telling the truth and not trying to turn attention from me onto him, I appreciate his considering my feelings, but he’s got to level with me. I want to know when he’s sick, I want to know when he wants to trash his office, I want to know when he doesn’t want kids. I’m sick of him being like – yeah, yeah, whatever you say is fine – when it’s not fine. I’m sick of the – yes, I’ll do this or that, and we can do this or that – when no he won’t and no we can’t cuz he never wanted to or intended to in the first place. Why is he so afraid to deal with my reaction if he says no to certain things and just levels with me from the get-go? He tells me he quit working out and keeping up on his office till he finds out what’s going on with him, but that much I don’t buy. I think he quit working out cuz he quits most things he starts and that he just got tired of it. I think he quit keeping up on his office cuz he never wanted to keep up on his stuff. Not since I’ve known him he hasn’t.

I don’t know what to think or believe. He’s lied to me too many times. He said the doctor won’t even get to the routine question of – any problems with sex? – because he’s going in there with something wrong with him. Oh, I think the doctor will get to it. A doctor has still got to ask routine questions cuz that enables them to get a handle as to what could be going on with the patient. Anyway, the question will be asked and the answer will be a lie, but right now that’s not the issue. The issue is – is he as sick as he’s been saying he is, and if so, what’s going on? Are we talking about a mild, treatable situation here or a big deal that’ll ultimately kill him before he’s even 60 or 70 years old? Although it seems a coincidence, everything he’s saying goes with my vibes. I know I wrote and also mentioned to him that I feared God would go after our health, probably his, once we got settled in. And also, Tom never goes to doctors so his suddenly making an appointment tells me he probably does have something going on. He tried reassuring me by saying that it’s probably his belly, and how Dave went to the doctor with chest pains that turned out to be a bad belly, but then why the arm numbness and the facial tingling? I’m not gonna rest in peace till he sees the doctor Friday, and even then I might not, depending on what they say. The whole thing has me really freaked out. I felt for a while that I would die when I was in my early 60s, but that’s been fading lately, and I’ve been fearing for him more and more. It’s a big fear of mine, having him die on me. Women usually live longer than men and I’m younger, so even if he lived to be 75, that’d put me at 67, and I could end up living 10, 15, or even 20 more years! I’d never let myself, though. First of all, I’d have no place to go and no means of support or transportation, and even if I did, I’d never want to live without him. There’s absolutely no life for me without Tom. My love for him way overrides my resentment towards him for lying all these years about sex and having a kid. I’d give up anything for him to be alive, happy and healthy, even if that meant I could never again have rodents or collect another doll.

I’m not the least bit surprised about this not being able to find someone to haul the trailer, then finding someone who’ll do it for a small fortune. I knew God wouldn’t just let us have something. Anything given to us, we have to fight tooth and nail for, if we can even get it, or it comes to us with many price tags attached. When his ma dies and we get our inheritance, we’re going to be made to be sooo miserable over it. God’s gonna get us good for it and really cause all kinds of problems for us. I think one of the things he’ll try to do is drain the money from us as quickly as possible by having expensive things break on us. I’m not sure if I even want the inheritance. Besides, because he has so many siblings, we’re only talking around $20,000 and not $50,000 or $100,000. If Ma were smart, she wouldn’t leave Steven and Carol much, cuz Carol’s parents are super rich, which means that when they die, they’ll be super rich too, but I don’t think Ma would do that. I think she’d feel guilty and that Steven would feel hurt if she did that.