Another day of fewer than 8 hours of sleep with a zillion interruptions. Nancy woke me up 3 times. The first two times were for her meds and to go to the bathroom, so I can’t blame those on her. The third time, though, she was tossing fiercely and yawning and sighing really loud, like so many people here seem to do. At least it wasn’t too early when she decided to get all fidgety. It was coming up on 10:00 and our hour out. I didn’t say anything to Nancy, although I’m sure she could tell by my attitude that I didn’t appreciate her noisiness waking me up. There’s no excuse for this shit. I also didn’t say anything because I knew it wouldn’t do me any good and it was her birthday. She also filled out a form to get out of here. So, she’ll be leaving soon and then I’ll have to deal with someone else’s shit for a while. Fortunately, someone gave her a couple of books that she says are her kind, so that should keep her quiet and out of my hair till she leaves.

If I’d known better upon coming into this jail, as Nancy did, I’d have complained of back pain at Medical to get a lower bunk slip. Hopefully, I’ll never have to go to Medical again, so I won’t bother. And besides, I’m two-thirds of the way through my time.

Now the two big cells really hate us! Chambers, who I’m now kind of attracted to, was on yesterday. At one point, she gave Mindy a pair of panties to give to Nancy, which she slid under the door. Nancy was pissed that they were being dragged on the floor and Mindy was threatening her, saying that unfortunately, she didn’t have the keys to the cell, etc.

Chambers came up and told us all that if we said anything more, we’d be rolled out to A Tower (wouldn’t hurt my feelings all that badly).

To back up a bit, I was just waking up and turned towards the door to see who was on when I heard keys jingling. Just as I did this, Chambers passed by, then she doubled back and said hi and asked how I was. “Just getting up,” I told her.

How nice of her to go back just to say hi to me! I don’t know what it is with this white, blond-haired, blue-eyed exception, but she’s so cute! Actually, I think her eyes are gray and her hair is a light sandy brown. Also, she’s only 18 and I’m never attracted to anyone that young. I like the 30s-40s group.

Later, Chambers and I exchanged more jokes. I told her one, and she told me about this couple who was expecting a baby. When the woman went into labor, the doctor explained that there was this new machine available to put some of the pain onto the husband and take some off the wife. So the doctor started by setting the machine at 10% and the woman felt better, yet the guy felt fine. The doctor upped it to 20% and still, the guy felt OK while the woman felt even better. At 30% the guy still felt OK, so he told the doctor to go ahead and up the machine to 100%. “You sure?” the doctor asked. The guy said he was sure and the doctor upped the machine to 100%. The woman had the baby very easily and the guy never felt an ounce of pain. Then when they got home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

So now two DOs know I like them and another knows about it. She knows about Palma, anyway. Yeah, Chambers was going by when I called to her from up on my bed, but she didn’t hear me. Nancy was at the door, though, and she yelled out, “Hey, Chambers! Little Miss-I’ve-Got-A-Crush-On-You has a question for you.”

This is when I asked her age. Chambers blushed but came back anyway. I wasn’t as embarrassed as most people would’ve been, but I was caught off guard and laughing my ass off at the same time. It was funny if you ask me, and I do like those I like to know it, although they usually never do. I knew Nancy was the type to say something like that, but I didn’t know she was going to say it at that very moment.

I guess she wasn’t offended because she still talked with me and smiled at me, as usual. Maybe next time she’s on, I ought to say I’m so very very sorry about what Nancy said, just to see what she says. I hope she’s on tomorrow! I don’t know, though, if I could call this a crush. It’s not like I picture us in intimate situations. I just like her and think she’s cute, that’s all. She’s a little too young and not attractive enough for a girlfriend.

---

Chavez is on now. She’s one of the ones I can tell is about to do a walk before she even leaves the tower, because I hear the door separating the pods unlock by the controls in the tower. Some unlock them with their keys as they’re going through, and others do it up front from the tower.

Nancy was reading, then dozing, then playing with herself, and now she’s bleeding. She says she just finished her period too, and thinks she may be having a miscarriage.

God get rid of a crackhead’s baby? That’ll be a first! She already has 3 boys in Indiana, though, so he didn’t do it soon enough. Why he gives kids to the wrong people isn’t my only question. Why give them to people who are going to do a significant amount of time and not be able to be there for them?

Nancy got Chavez to call Medical for her, but she’s totally lost it. God, I want her out of here! I’m sick of her moods. I understand it’s her birthday, she may be miscarrying, and she’s in jail, but that gives her no right to snap at me and take it out on me. She’s lucky she can take me or else I’d be beating the shit out of her.

Nancy’s not pregnant. She had a pregnancy test twice in the last week and they were both negative. She doesn’t believe it, but stress and age makes us irregular. She says a tubal pregnancy wouldn’t show up in a pregnancy test and that it’s not normal for her to bleed after a period. Well, it wasn’t normal for me to spot a week or two before my period. Now it is. Still, I want her out of here!

Nancy and I had an interesting talk with Lopez last night. Lopez said she did remember to say hi to Palma for me and that lately her week has consisted of A Tower, Medical and Escort. I wish she’d escort when Tom visits because then Tom could probably see her.

What I meant by when I said a DO knew about my crush on Palma was that Nancy told Lopez I have a crush on her. Lopez didn’t seem the least bit shocked. Crushes in this place are plentiful, anyway. There’s got to be tons of them with the hots for Palma. I can see where some would describe her as a little too masculine and even mean-looking with her distinct features and jet-black hair and eyes, but lots of people get off on that, and she’s still feminine enough at the same time. I realize more and more that I don’t seem to be as into the ultra-feminine scene as I used to be. Tom would probably say she was harsh-looking and ugly, but most women who have ever been attracted to other women would drool over her.

I can already smell the weenies I figured we’d be getting tonight because the last two dinners were OK.

M202

And now I’m down in 202, the least private 2-cell. At least it is a 2-cell and at least I’m alone, even though my next nightmare will be rolled in any second.

No, Nancy didn’t leave Ad-Seg yet, but she did threaten me. As I figured she would, she denied it to Chavez. And this is the same person who said she’d never lay a hand on me and that fighting doesn’t solve anything. The same person that wanted to lick my pussy – ugh!

The reason I didn’t get into it with her is that I didn’t want to get an assault charge or lose my visitation or commissary. Also, I knew it was my ticket to being alone, if only for a few days, even if it meant losing the pen. I just wanted to get away from her and her moods! Lastly, as tough as I’d like to think I can be, and despite all the cellies I’ve had that I could beat up and that I admit to bullying around a little, I don’t think this one was one I could’ve beaten. It bothers me, either way, to be forced to cower down to her, in a sense, to get what I want, but that’s life sometimes. It wasn’t easy to do, either. It took every ounce of strength to keep myself from hurling myself at her, and if this had happened somewhere else and under different circumstances where I had nothing to lose, I would’ve in a heartbeat, whether or not I thought she could take me.

Chavez’s timing was perfect. She was on her way by just as the little fuck was threatening to rip up every journal page with her name on it if I didn’t do it myself. At first Chavez was like, “But you guys have been together almost a week.” Then she looked at Nancy and said, “Well, you have made threats before.” Then she told me to roll up and to go down to 2. Not fair, if you ask me, since Nancy was the one that made the threat and she was the one with the lower tier/lower bunk slip, but life isn’t fair and I wasn’t about to argue. I just wanted to get away from the madwoman!

Nancy became more and more unpredictable. One minute we’d be engaged in an intelligent conversation and the next she was either crying or bitching about something. Her moods were unbelievable. This was bordering on schizophrenia without the evil voices.

I don’t remember what started it. Something about her insisting I was too lazy to work. Farming ain’t “real” work and neither is homemaking, she said. Also, “You’re using Tom, who works really hard for you.”

Then she starts talking to herself for the first time, telling herself to shut up.

My response to that was, “Yes, why don’t you for a change and not judge those you don’t know or who live differently than you do.”

That’s when she threatened to yank me off my bunk and beat me up, telling me that when I go to A Tower, she’d follow me there, I’m worthless, etc.

Believe me, I’m so fucking fed up with these sick fucks here that a part of me does want to go to A Tower and I don’t care if this is considered to be a luxury dorm or not. But I don’t want to give up being in a 2-cell either, even if those damn tent doors do sound like earthquakes in here.

I knew my luck would run out.

The good thing about having the whole pod threaten me through the vents like they’ve been doing is that I have the luxury of being on the bottom again. They’re not going to stick any of these people in here with them threatening to kill me, so I don’t have to worry about being moved in with them so someone else can have my lower bunk. The only ones that aren’t in on this shit are Lisa, Mary, Brandie, and the two that are in 5. It’s mostly Myra and Mindy, as usual. I’m letting each DO that comes on know about this shit, too.

Chavez had yelled at them to shut up. For a second, the thought of hauling off at them verbally myself appealed to me, but you know what? I really don’t want to know they exist. They’re not worth my time and energy, so I tune them out with the radio. I could snitch on Nancy for having 3 blankets and a pen, but these people aren’t worth snitching on any more than they’re worth yelling at.

I learned a lesson tonight – never tell anyone in jail if you’re keeping a journal! In fact, every 5 sheets of paper, even if it’ll be a little more expensive since I can fit more than that in one envelope, will be mailed out. In fact, I may even do daily mailings. And on third shift only when no one’s out that could snatch it like I snatched and tore up that tank order when they butted into my trying to call Tom last night, which I’ll get to later.

The losers in the big cell must’ve heard Nancy saying she wanted everything with her name ripped up (doesn’t she know all I’d have to do is rewrite the shit?) because they were talking about it. Until I tuned them out with my radio, I heard something about how I can’t publish it because I didn’t ask for their permission. I most certainly could if I changed names. What’s the matter with these kiddy lickers? Afraid of the truth being written/known? Do they really have that many dirty secrets to hide? Obviously so, for them to be this paranoid.

I got a kick out of how right after Myra called me a crybaby, she started crying and whining about how jail’s getting to her.

Yeah, there are a lot of hypocrites in here.

I hate this cell’s location because of how it’s downstairs and right under the see-through stairs. Not much privacy, but private as hell compared to the big ones. This room has no trap door, for some reason. The vent was already blocked with a brown commissary bag, so I didn’t have to deal with the hassle of blocking that. I like the sink better in this cell. The water gets hot fast and the stream of water arcs up higher, giving it more pressure.

I was surprised we got 3 OK dinners in a row. A burrito with rice, bread, veggies and a chocolate cupcake. It seems that all we get is chicken, beef or chicken patties, burritos and hot dogs. We never get anything like fish, macaroni or spaghetti.

The lunatic upstairs said that chewing on the wax wrapper of the cupcake was like chewing gum, and surprisingly, it was. It was better than Styrofoam, but nothing like the real thing.

About last night’s shit from 4 while I was still with Nancy – they wouldn’t let me ignore them any more than the freeloaders would. They all sang and yelled really loud so my voiceprint wouldn’t match when I was trying to call Tom. I told Lopez - either open the door and let me have a go at them one by one (believe me I was mad enough at that point to take every single one of them) or shut them up somehow. Nancy and I then filled her in on how Chambers said they were to be rolled up and sent to A Tower if they kept their shit up. By then it was chow time, and after talking with them and us, she let me out to make the call, keeping the tower monitor on, but they didn’t dare utter a word.

I wonder how Palma would’ve handled it if she’d been the one to be on that night and not Chavez? Would she have moved me, or would she have handled it the way she handled my not getting along with Tina, even though we never threatened each other, and said she’d only move me after she let us get into it, then maced and written us up? I hope not! I doubt it, though, at this point because now she knows and likes me, and this is a different situation.

I am so, so tired. I just want to go home! I want out! How can God do this to me?! And why?!

Anyway, I better try to get some sleep before the next bitch with a schizophrenic attitude comes in to steal what little sleep and peace I can get around here.