I’m currently doing a rollover with my schedule. Oh, how good it feels to sleep 10 hours! I wake up for a while, though, on the 4th hour. I’m up 18 hours when I don’t take the Melatonin. Sometimes I’m up for the normal 16 hours without it, but usually, it’s more like 18 hours.

Ordered some new toys from an adult catalog. My vibrator just broke. This one lasted the longest, though. I think I got it when we first moved in here. Maybe I even got it in Phoenix. I’m not sure.

Anyway, I totally prefer to go it alone sexually and fantasize about Teddy Bear till I can have her for real. I’m sorry, but I just can’t get into Tom as much as I love him. By his behavior, I can see he’s OK with it, though, and isn’t any more interested in sex with me than I am with him.

I wonder, though – what will it be like with Teddy Bear? I have a feeling she’ll be a bore in bed, as shy as she is, but I don’t care. I just want her at least once just so I can get her out of my system and know that I did it with her, someone I’m attracted to. If it really does happen, like I predict it will, she’ll be the biggest turn-on. Meaning, the one I was most attracted to out of everyone I’ve ever been with, be it for just one night or longer. I wonder if my lusting for her like I do will make me self-conscious in bed, and if the shock of it finally happening will prevent me from cumming? It’s been like being forced to wait for a cigarette I crave. Well, I want that cigarette one of these days, though I doubt we’ll do anything the first few times I see her. I’ll bet I’ll end up being the one who’ll have to initiate the fun, too. I still care about her as a person and hope she’s a regular part of my life for as long as possible, but I lust for her sooo bad! Just like it’s easy for me to say I wish I’d met Tom sooner than I did, a part of me wishes I’d met Teddy Bear first. As happy as I am with Tom, and as sure as I am that I want to be with him forever, it’s quite a pisser to have had such shitty luck with women for so many years as I did, then I meet this ideal woman. One with a hell of a personality and where the attraction is mutual. I’ll never know for sure, obviously, but I’m pretty sure we could’ve had a great relationship, as long as she was accepting of some of my more unusual ways. My not working might’ve concerned her more than my screwy schedule would have. I don’t know if she’d have been quite as accepting/tolerant as Tom. I don’t know if anyone could be as accepting/tolerant as Tom.

As far as what I got goes – I got a hell of a deal. All for just $17 I got 3 different vibrators, a free mystery gift, and 3 free videos, though I’m not a video person. Tom can check those out if he wants to. The free gift is probably a video, too.

I’m not only planning to use the toys for fun but to help heal the knee pain I’ve been having lately. I fucked up the ligaments in my knees somehow. At least I think that’s what it is. Maybe the concentrated buzzing of the vibrators will help more than the big heat massager thing I have.

Like I asked for, I got that letter from Helen to give to the mental health screening people. I made a copy for Scot to add to my file, too. In the letter she writes: I want to commend you on the progress with anger management I’ve seen in just the short time I’ve been seeing you since your release from jail. You appear much more accepting of all your experiences without the need for retaliation – even if it was all unfair. I believe you are also making good progress with all the requirements of your probation and I give you credit for that also.

I also asked her how many more visits she thought I should have, and she said exactly what I was thinking – we’ll wait till after the MH screening to decide, but maybe 3-5 more visits??

We received our new address labels – 24 scenic images. Naturally, the snowy ones don’t appeal to me.