Got a letter from Mary today. She told me Chavez told her Teddy Bear’s still at Madison, but is now on 1st shift. Also, she could return anytime since DOs are transferred regularly.

I was surprised it was Chavez to tell her this since she had told me she was moving to Vegas at the end of ’01. Or is that just something you tell a stalker? Nah, I’m sure she wasn’t worried about me and that she meant it. She probably just changed her mind and decided to stay in Arizona.

Anyway, I know she won’t return while Mary’s there. If God wanted me to have some answers or at least a shot at some answers, then he’d have made sure Teddy Bear was there after the letter was sent. Yet it’s obvious he doesn’t want me getting any answers. To him, she was just another tool he could use to hurt me, and I should’ve known better than to even think of praying for help in getting over her. I should’ve known my prayers would fall upon deaf ears. He’s probably up there laughing at me right now! Just when I think I’m going to get over her and that perhaps something up there really is helping me to get through, tears sting my eyes when I remember and think of her. I tell myself I won’t let her make me cry, but then again, maybe I should let it all out, maybe it’d help and maybe I’d feel better. So, like Helen would suggest I do, I allowed myself to cry for a few minutes earlier.

I gotta wonder, though – if I could tell her how hurt I’ve been over her ignoring me, would she feel bad, or would she just look at me and laugh? And how would she react if another female inmate started flirting with her that she was attracted to? Would she tell them too, that she’d respond to them if they waited a year before contacting her?

I know, though, that regardless of why she blew me off, what we had going back in jail was real. I’d be willing to bet Bailey, Joy and Jade that it would’ve escalated to kisses and a bit of touchy-feely too, had we both been there longer.

Oh, Teddy Bear! You’ll never know just how much I love you, never know just how much you hurt me.

I’m not too alarmed over this, but I discovered something a bit disturbing as the sun was setting. Tom had just left for work and I heard a pop. The kind the house makes when it’s settling. That’s probably just what it was, but this one was pretty loud. It almost sounded like something hit the back or front door. I was in my office when I heard it. So, I got up and looked out the kitchen window. That’s when I noticed a beverage can of some kind, though I can’t be sure that’s what it was, nestled up against the long-dead garden fence. I know the wind’s capable of blowing cans around and I’m not saying anyone’s been lurking around, but I just think it’s a weird place for one to end up on this property. I can see one ending up in front with it being almost a straight shot from the road to the house. But in back of the house and especially so close to it, wouldn’t a can have to get hung up on the brush no matter which direction it came from? Cans aren’t as light as paper or plastic shopping bags that can fly up over trees and brush easily.

Again, I’m not saying it means anything, but you know, I really wish at times those freeloaders would have the balls to face me here on our property. That is, unarmed and one at a time, of course. I couldn’t fight them with the law, but I could at least try damn hard with my fists and rage. Tom and Mary are probably right, though. They’re not going to fuck with me out here without connections. They wouldn’t have the guts. That’s why they cowered behind the law in the first place.

I jokingly said to Tom that I ought to get a shirt that says “In God I Do Not Trust” and he said, “Now why would you want to do that and set yourself up for harassment?”

Well, I don’t, but you know, there comes a time when I have to be me. Period. Regardless of what others may think. I can’t worry about other people’s poor, poor feelings all my life. If they’ve got a problem with me, then that’s their problem. As long as I don’t push my views on others, I’d be doing nothing wrong by getting a shirt that said that, and dammit, I’m not going to kiss this society’s ass! I don’t owe them shit and they don’t owe me shit. All we owe each other is respect and the right to be ourselves.

Anyway, he explained to me what all the fuss is all about. To me, it sounds like nothing more than wishful thinking, but again, we all have a right to our beliefs. According to him, most people believe life’s one big test and that it’s the devil and not God that causes bad things to happen. The test is to determine who goes to hell and who lives eternally with God, but I’m sorry, he should be stepping in more often. This is just my opinion, but sometimes a little divine intervention, as they call it, is necessary. Just like Art should’ve defended us against Doe, so should he when the going gets really rough. It was one thing to “test” me by sitting back and letting the freeloaders shit on us like they did when we were still living together, but shouldn’t he and couldn’t he have put his foot down once it came down to going to jail? I think that’s when he should’ve stepped in and said, “Hey, enough’s enough already! Leave this poor girl alone. She never did a damn thing to provoke you, yet you’ve been picking on her for no reason at all other than that she asked that your music be lowered” (and that I was Jewish, but I didn’t know that at the time).

But no, to add insult to injury after all the shit they put us through on N. 21 Ave., I had to go to jail, live in a shoebox with a few psychos and noise that makes the NHA seem like it was as quiet as where I am now, take cold showers, eat inedible spicy food, get shit for sleep, then get my head played with and my heartbroken, not to mention all the shit and stress I’ve gone through since being out. So, when is enough ever enough? Although barely, I survived my family, I survived Brattleboro and Vermont, I survived shitty “friends” and neighbors, I survived not seeing many dreams come true, and I’ve survived jail. What more do I need to survive and what for?

I don’t believe in heaven and hell. Not the way some people do. Meaning, I don’t think God hates gays or anything like that. Hell, he even has a heart for perverts and murderers! I believe this simply because I find it hard to believe they’d exist if he really had anything against them. If I was going to create a world, why would I create horrible people along with it? I believe he can hate certain individuals and families, but not whole groups of people.

I asked Tom what he thinks is the case after we die and he said he doesn’t know. Neither do I. I don’t know if we’re reincarnated or if we just blink out and that’s it or what.

On the lighter side and to speak of one of my passions in life, PG has a couple of cute new $25 fairies that Tom said we can get, along with $40 Amelia, by the end of the year. I know we’ll get free shipping, and if the discount coupons are good we should save $15 on the whole order. One of them is the same mold, except for the arms and legs, as my Valentine Fairy. They did her and Emerald over with the same color hair, but this time around Emerald’s is short and Valentine’s is curly. I don’t like Emerald’s makeover, but Valentine, called Rainbow in this version, wears a cute, colorful dress. So does Rainbow’s Jewels which also comes with a resin mouse. I can’t show pictures to Mary cuz of the copy guard that site has, so I’ll just wait till I get them and shoot my own.

They were having “Hawaiian” Day at work and they were giving out these shell necklaces to the employees, so Tom brought home his. It’s kind of nice with cream-colored shells. Maybe a doll can wear it someday, but for now it’s on the doorknob of the back door.

What the fuck? Did Dan move back into the area? I’ve been hearing loud motors on and off since nightfall, yet it doesn’t sound anywhere close, fortunately.

Well, it’s just after 11 PM now. Been up since 1 PM. I’m going to hang loose, listen to some music and watch TV till I crash. Maybe read, too. I watch a lot of the legal and forensics stuff, old Charlie’s Angels reruns, and I just taped a new movie of Stephen King’s with psychics, ghosts, and all that fun stuff I love.