I decided, believe it or not, to write another jailhouse story. Only difference is that this time around it’ll be hyped up with pieces of bullshit thrown in here and there. Tom even suggested I write about a real-life experience and expand on it. Oh, I’m going to expand on it alright! It’ll be written in story format and not laid out like a journal. Also, Teddy Bear and I will get to do the things we never got to do in reality! Hee, hee! Just like The Dead Zone series is based on characters and events from the movie, my book will be based on real-life experiences and real-life people. I think I might even be psychic too, and make Pancake Face Smith do things I could only dream about making her do when she pulled Mary. Things like uncontrollable and highly embarrassing farting. Yes, in my story I shall have what just about everyone else has had over me that I didn’t – control. What I say will go. Tom probably won’t care, but I’m sure Mary will get a kick out of it. It’ll basically be a romantic comedy with the DO’s names changed, yet still close to their real names, leaving just the inmates’ true names. I’ll probably only include DOs and inmates that were main players in real life. Probably only the ones who stood out in either good or bad ways and no in-between DOs or inmates like Brea and Carolyn P.

At first I asked myself, do I really want to write this story and chance jinxing myself into having all this come true? But I could never end up as psychic as I plan to be in this book. Besides, I’ve written plenty of things that never rang true in the end, and remember, in the story Andy and I talked about me writing, the inmate and guard got it on. Teddy Bear and I obviously didn’t get that far, of course. So, my story ideas almost came true, but they didn’t quite make it.

I think I’ll even change my charges. Maybe I’ll have spray-painted a building or something. No chance of that getting jinxed into reality since I have no desire to spray-paint anything.

This time around I’m going to proofread it a few times once it’s done and not give it to anyone as I complete each chapter like I did with my bio. I want to make sure I get any typos I may have missed the first time around taken care of.

I don’t know how long it’ll be. I’ll just write whatever I feel like writing for however long I feel like writing it. I’ll do this in between my usual household tasks, my regular journaling, my fine-tuning of old journals, Mary’s story, and hopefully soon, my dollmaking.

Later…

What the hell is going on? I was doing better, but now I just can’t get that woman off my mind! Damn those mother-fucking freeloaders Joely N and Debra V for doing this to me, damn Tammy B, damn the pig Jerry O, damn Paul K, damn Judge H, damn the DA Jackie I and damn God for sitting back and allowing all these people to shit on me time and time again for no reason at all.

Why must I always be hurt over something? If it’s not impossible dreams depressing me, then it’s over a woman I can never have. Hurting over her is better than wanting a kid like I did for what? 4 or 5 years? Anyway, I try to tell myself that I could’ve ended up a lot more hurt if we had gotten together, but it doesn’t really console me. The new millennium has brought an all-time low in depression (though plenty of anger), but trust me, today and yesterday have been quite sad.

I start to think, oh, how nice it’d be if she had to return to M Dorm and be flooded with a ton of memories of me, making her be the one to be depressed for a change, as well as maybe feel a little guilty. But then I tell myself to come back down to earth. She wouldn’t remember and think of me, but maybe for a second. As for guilt – well – she’s obviously okay with what she’s done or else she’d have at least called or written to tell me she hasn’t forgotten about me, but we can’t get together. God wouldn’t allow her to return while Mary was still there. That way I can go on hurting without any answers and wondering what happened and how and why she could blow me off like she did.

When I first got out of jail, Tom said that since there was no fighting any of the corrupt, prejudiced assholes that put me in the predicament I’m in today and have been in and will be in for quite a while to come, anything he did would be strictly revenge. He insisted, though, that he’d never tell me what he was going to do, saying that the less I knew the better. At first I was all for it, though I always figured he was just saying this to try to make me feel better since he’s never been the vengeful type. Then as time went on I was like, hey, this is Arizona. The strictest state in the country along with Texas. And we’re Tom and Jodi S. We can’t do shit even if we could cuz we’d just end up in prison for sure. Maybe God would let someone else get away with fucking someone over, but we could never get away with fucking someone over, and certainly not these precious freeloaders he’s been hell-bent on protecting and worshiping ever since the get-go. If we were so much to as dare to even give them dirty looks, we’d be going down big time. So I told Tom, even though I know he’s not going to do anything simply because he couldn’t do anything severe enough to them without exposing himself anyway, that just like with everyone else who’s fucked us over, there’s nothing we can do. We just have to let it go and hope that God really truly does have good reasons for protecting these people, though I can’t imagine what they could be. Nonetheless, if he’s gone this far with covering their asses, he’s not going to stop. Remember, I told him, people can do whatever they want to with us. It’s us that are forbidden from doing anything, be it fighting back against those fucking us over, or fucking over someone for no reason ourselves. If it’s us, we can’t get away with it, so drop any plans you may have. Meanwhile, I’ll just cry over Teddy Bear for 4 or 5 years till it’s on to something else to get me down or perhaps piss me off and frustrate the hell out of me.