Well, someone’s playing music out there tonight. I could hear a few faint beats when I was in the bedroom, but I couldn’t say where it was coming from. That’s nothing compared to the sounds of A Tower – ugh! I do not miss it! But I know it’s only a matter of time before I’m once again held prisoner someplace I don’t want to be. There were the camps, Brattleboro, Valleyhead, a few days at the Springfield crisis center, a handful of noisy apartments, a noisy house, jail – what’ll it be next? And when? How long will I get to live in peace in a place I’m happy in before I end up in some shitty, chaotic place I can’t even hear myself think in?

You know, it may sound funny, but I was crying a bit last night when I thought of Houdini. I mean, I knew he was going to die sooner or later, and with Little Buddy and the time that’s gone by, it’s not that I miss him, but it’s the circumstances connected to him. You know, those freeloaders that relate to just about every single event in my life that’s gone on for the last 6 years. He’s just one of the millions of things they’ve had a hand in. The day I was sentenced, that was it for me and Houdini. Tom got to have him for 6 more months, but for me, it was over.

I still miss and think of Teddy Bear too, of course, going back and forth in my mind between wondering why she ditched me, to intimate thoughts of her. I couldn’t get it on with just any woman simply because they’re women, though. I have to be attracted to them. Hopefully, though, I won’t know anyone ever again long enough to become attracted to them in the first place. I’d rather a life of celibacy if Tom and I are gonna remain platonic.

It’s like each curse the freeloaders put on me led to another. First they had me thrown in jail for absolutely no reason at all other than that I was a complaining Jew, and as if that’s not bad enough, I had to go and fall in love and in lust with someone who led me on and broke my heart. She knew I liked her and I knew she liked me, so what happened? I still think it was the combination of the distance, the being married, and her meeting someone in between.

Still, I have to wonder – did she actually end up doing me a favor? Would things have been worse if we had gotten together? Would we have been just friends or would we have become part-time lovers and would I have felt guilty if we had? Well, perhaps it really is a good thing I’ll never know! The only thing I know that couldn’t have happened is that I wouldn’t have traded in Tom for her for a million bucks and then some.

I’m now up to a total of 305 photo album viewings. The rats are in the lead with 57 viewings of the first one and 27 of the second one. The two Mice albums have 46 and 10 viewings. Assorted Pets has 8, Our Wildlife has 37, Our Land has 54, and the 3 doll albums have 18, 23, and 24.

At 9:00 Tom and I ran up to Circle K for some snacks. It was still quite hot out. As we were returning he pointed out how invisible our house is when there are no lights on and it’s true. Unless the moonlight is really bright, you could drive by it and not even know it was there.