There was a big electrical storm a couple of evenings ago, but as usual, it missed us.

As dull as our land is compared to by the mountains, it’s so beautiful. Yes, Arizona’s best quality is its landscape as its worst are its laws. New England’s best is its bigger, more spread out houses and its worst is its weather.

Sometimes I get the feeling Tom’s not truly happy with me. When Paula asked if he got clingy in fear of losing me to Teddy Bear, I told her no and that he didn’t show any signs of being insecure or worried about losing me to her, and I always assumed it was because he didn’t mind if she and I got it on if that’s what I wanted. But could it be that deep down he was hoping I’d ditch him for her, figuring it’d be easier that way than to dump me? Could it really be that he’s simply putting up with my existence? If I asked him if he were happy with me, I don’t know if I’d get the truth only because he’s quicker to admit something he does want than he is to admit something he doesn’t. If Tom S says he’s against something, he is. If he says it’s something he likes or wants, then maybe it’s true and maybe it isn’t. That’s why I have to go by his actions rather than his words, but one has to do that with just about anybody. Actions really do speak louder than words.

My only complaint lately is his snapping at me. Maybe he doesn’t mean to come off as a grouch or realize he’s doing it, but this has been going on for a while now and it really bugs me. He comes off as defensive, annoyed and impatient when answering my questions or responding to statements. I’ve made it clear to him how I feel about this, but it hasn’t changed anything, though I’ll admit he’s been pretty mellow today, talking in casual tones. Well, I’d rather be with him and have him snap at me than leave, even if I had the means to do so and to fend for myself. It’s only a tone of voice after all and I know things could be worse. It’s not like he’s taking swings at me or smashing our stuff. Then I don’t know what I’d do. All I know is that I’m not Paula or Tammy who thrive on and get off on abuse. They love abuse and to be called names and swung at. It’s mostly cuz they’re sympathy junkies who also love to wallow in self-pity.