Finally, the last day of January has arrived. I don’t know why, but for some reason, it’s felt like this month has been dragging on forever.

My bangs are now to the point where they reach if I put my hair in a ponytail on the crown of my head, but if I lower it towards my neck, they can’t quite make it yet. It hasn’t even been a year yet, though, since I began growing them out.

Still haven’t heard from Mary. I won’t be sending her any more mail till I hear from her, wherever she may be.

In Webshot’s email to me, they said that until they change their system, they recommended something called a canvas, which they gave me numbers for, in Photoshop, to get around the centering issue. I guess this would put the picture towards the handle if it’s uploaded that way, though they say it’s time-consuming. I’ll let Tom check it out and let me know what he thinks. If we can’t get around the centered picture issue, I may forget about getting more mugs as I really don’t like the centered pictures. What kind of company would make mugs like that anyway, unless someone requested it? I’m really shocked that this is the only option they have, though they claim it may not always be that way. Let’s hope not.

When I expressed my worries about going back to getting too many things through the PO, Tom said priority mail shouldn’t be the problem regular mail can be.

I may not have heard from my Mary, but I heard from Tom’s Mary. My letter prompted her message. No, she never was offended by the pictures, she’s just been sick since right after Christmas with bronchitis, pleurisy, a sinus infection, and an ear infection. All one hell of a coincidence too, since I put a “sick spell” on her as soon as I pulled out my so-called present from her. During the first day or two that I was really fuming over the stunt she pulled on me, I didn’t wish she’d drop dead or anything too serious, but I did wish her ill. I closed my eyes tight and concentrated real hard on her being all sneezy and feverish and just plain old miserable. So to read what I read was quite numbing, seeing that there’s a 50/50 chance I did this to her. Do I feel guilty, if I did? Maybe just a little, but more so I’m curious. It’s definitely worth testing, but on whom? I wonder if I could put a sick spell on someone I never met like maybe someone at the bank Tom dislikes. I don’t know about that, though. I have a feeling that if this isn’t just a coincidence, it has to be someone I know and that I’m really pissed off at. I don’t see how I could place a spell like that on someone without being furious with them. Just how do I go about testing this thing, I wonder? Stand on a street corner and ask people to piss me off so I can see if I can get even by making them sick? Then again, I don’t need to ask anyone to piss me off. That will happen on its own. It always does. I just hope it’ll be someone I know. It’s hard, for example, to tune in to people I’ve never met that are fucking us over like the bank is with this mortgage bullshit. I don’t know who they are or what they look like, so I can’t imagine being able to inflict any kind of suffering upon them, and if my rather ill thoughts had any effect on Steven or Dan, I’ll never know it.

Anyway, whether or not this is something I’ve done or that just happened, since Mary has been damned in the health department pretty much all her life, I still would’ve preferred the pictures to have given her a taste of her own medicine. Instead, she thinks they’re oh-so-cool. Well, of course. The woman loves to have her picture taken and played with, so why wouldn’t she? In fact, I should’ve known she’d just love it. At least I didn’t give her the reaction I still think she wanted/expected from me for giving her a piece of my mind about her attitude and mouth at the casino.

Just like God’s compensating me after how sickly I was throughout most of my 20s with great health, he’s also compensating for my being skinny throughout most of my 20s with being fat now. Last night when I stepped on the scale only to find I’d gained 3 pounds since I woke up from nothing but 1,200 calories and a 20-minute pedaling session, I was so bummed and so frustrated and even pissed! I thought God was supposed to help those who help themselves. Another general rule that doesn’t apply to me or what? When I saw what I saw, part of me wanted to starve forever and another part wanted to say, Ok, you want me big? As big as I can be? I’ll just run to the grocery store then and eat everything in sight! It is so discouraging and frustrating to work as hard as I have all for nothing. There’s no reason I shouldn’t have lost at least 10 pounds by now, and to know that I’ll eventually gain a ton of weight whether I eat 1000 calories a day or 2000 a day isn’t very comforting either. Yet it’s getting more and more obvious that that’s where I’m headed; to end up between 150-200 pounds no matter what. It’s like it’s an inevitable fate I can’t avoid. God wants me to be big. I’m drinking lots of water, having 1,200 calories a day, working out, eating a low-carb, high-protein diet, so what’s wrong? What more can I do if doing the “right” thing isn’t working? And why should I deprive myself of weekly treats if I’m only gonna get bigger anyway? I’d literally have to starve myself to keep my weight even right where it’s at right now. I have no rights to my own life and now no rights to my own body. And I’m supposed to think he’ll let me do dolls? It’s all about what God wants me to be and to hell with what I may want. Why don’t I just be a good girl, give him what he wants, up my calories to 1,500 a day and just let myself get as heavy as he sees fit? If I’m not meant to be thin again, then there’s nothing I can do to change that. If I’m meant to be heavy, then it’d be as much of a waste of time crying over it as it’d be to cry over my being short. No one can say I didn’t at least try. If people like Roseanne Barr can get through life on the heavy side, then so can I. There really isn’t anything I do now that I couldn’t do as a heavy person anyway, short of rocking out. I could work on the computer, I could read, I could watch TV, etc. I could even keep my muscles strong with the Bowflex and the pedaling. I’m tired of trying to be something I can never be. From now on, if I’m going to work really hard, I’d prefer it to be for something a little more achievable.

Later…

Those fucking dogs! It’s a good thing there wasn’t any garbage in the burn bin cuz they got into it again. I went and picked up the few pieces of tin foil they tore out and replaced the lid. A couple of dogs were barking by the pipes this morning till I shooed them off, too. One was a huge poodle!

Once we get to around noontime, it’s so beautiful out. Makes me glad I am in Arizona between then and sundown.

I was thinking more about this odd coincidence here with Mary getting sick. She’d probably be quicker to believe I did it than I would be. She’s the one who believes attitude affects things (yeah, that’s why I lost the weight I was so sure I was going to lose) and that it’s a mind-over-matter kind of life we live, unlike me who believes more in fate. There have been too many things I was negative about only to achieve positive results, and too many things I was positive about only to achieve negative results to say that attitude’s connected, though perhaps it’s different for everyone.

Anyway, I thought of a few test subjects with a wide variety, though I highly doubt it’ll work only because I still think I have to be pissed when I do it and pissed at the person I’m trying to curse if I can really do it at all. In other words, while I’m pissed at one person, I don’t think I can curse another. Also, although I am pissed at the people who are fucking with our house payments, I don’t think I can blindly place curses on people I don’t know. If that were the case, I just might send the whole damn world to hell! That’d surely keep them off my ass.

The test subjects, since I certainly don’t want to test someone I care about (although most people are like milk. Eventually they sour), are going to be whoever’s fucking with our house payments, the cheeks (we don’t hate him, but hey, we don’t like him either), and this warped lady rat that’s just sitting around wasting space and money cuz Tom just has to disagree with me and insist we keep her cuz I don’t want to.

I remembered yesterday that I wanted more mugs from Webshots to replace my old, chipped cat/dog collection. I decided on a few more rat pictures and a mouse shot. Actually, it’ll be two different pictures side by side on a screen-sized background that I’ll upload when the time comes. Their mugs are $10 each for their 12 oz. mugs and I think I’ll get 4 of them. I’ll probably order them all at once too, which means I’ll get them in mid-March or sooner. Then that will be one more thing out of the way and I can concentrate on saving for dolls and clothes.

A nurse left a message yesterday with advice that wasn’t very helpful. Most of it is stuff I already know and do. She said the doc said to have 1,200 calories a day, drink more water, have low-carbs, try an over-the-counter stool softener he recommends (I didn’t bother writing down the name of it), and try Weight Watchers, too. Not a word about fiber.

I think I’ll just stay like I am for a while. My body wouldn’t be hanging onto its extra weight like this if it didn’t think it needed it. Besides, I could be a lot worse than I am, but like I said before, I’m pretty small and fit for a woman my age.

Later…

Tom’s in the shower now and I asked his opinion as far as what the doctor said. He says he thinks I should try the shit softener they recommend, and that maybe we can both join Weight Watchers. I wouldn’t mind the extra help of a program like WW, I had just thought it’d be even more appointments and a lot of money. However, they’re saying they’re not too expensive these days since you don’t have to buy their food, and you can do it online, so that’s the good point right there since not everyone can attend the meetings or wants to.

I also question just how complicated and or effective it may be and for how long. I mean, if things like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig really work, then why aren’t we all skinny?

I finally had a full flow today along with major cramps.

I also asked Tom’s opinion on the mugs. I’ve got 4 mugs picked out, and I asked him if he thought I should get one at a time, two at a time, or all at a time, and he says one at a time, so I guess that’s the way I’ll do it. After all, they don’t have any shipping deals the more you order.

These damn rats, particularly Little Fella, have been rather leaky lately. I never had such territory markers before! It’s gotten to be rather bad. Every time I pick up Little Fella, especially after he’s been in the closet, he’s wet. He even marked Tom’s bed! He thinks he owns the whole house.

I’m up a pound from last week to 127. Yeah, the diet’s going pitifully slow, and lately, I’ve barely been able to make any progress at all. Something up there does not want me to lose weight. It’s just too obvious. I can’t think of any reason other than to spite me that it would get in my way, but whatever it is, it’s definitely in my way.

I know slow progress is better than no progress, but I’d prefer the faster route. Especially since the general rule of slower weight loss not returning as easily doesn’t apply to me. I can gain it back just as quickly and as easily if I lose 1 pound a week, and having lost just 6 pounds in 4 weeks, I’m pretty close to that as it is.

What do you do when you’re doing everything right, but it still doesn’t seem to bring much in the way of results? I left a message at the doctor’s office, letting them know I’ve got my calories cut to 1000-1200 a day, I’m exercising regularly, I’m avoiding sugar and having very little starch, yet I’m stuck a lot and when I do go, it’s not much. I asked them if they could recommend something that wouldn’t add a substantial amount of calories to my diet, and Tom and I figured they’d probably tell me to take fiber supplements. The question is, will they work? Because if they don’t, nothing will.

On the flip side, I know I could look a lot worse than I do and that I don’t look like I weigh as much as I do. Today I wore the shorts I grew out of at 120 pounds over a year ago. If I weren’t working out like I am, I’d never be this size at 127 pounds. I’d be way bigger. So maybe I can keep getting fewer inches for the weight like I have been if I can’t ultimately lose any more weight. At this point, I’d settle for getting down to 110-115, which is what the doctor recommended in light of my muscle weight, but I don’t even know if that’s possible. Tom says that on a scale of 1 to 10, omitting my age, I’m about a 6 or 7 as far as my overall fitness level/appearance goes, and an 8 or 9 for my age.

I forgot to say that I got a kick out of Mary’s answer to Suzanne when she asked if she thought the experiences she’s been through have made her stronger and she said, “Yeah, ain’t that funny?”

And the experiences I’ve gone through have only made me want to isolate myself even more. Ain’t that funny too? If I never had neighbors again in my life it’d be too soon!

I checked on a map to see where Fort Myers is and it’s way down there on the Gulf side. Great location for hurricanes! I wonder just how much longer after the 7th she’ll be here?

Anyway, back to the diet thing; I really hope it is just a case of my needing fiber supplements. Somehow I doubt it’ll be that easy for me. Especially if I’m right in my belief about something up there trying to block me from doing what I’m trying to do. Even my periods are fouled up. I never got the period I was supposed to get, just spots. I’m not that late yet, though, so we’ll see.

The question is, is it cuz of something up there, or is it simply a lack of fiber? I guess it all depends on how you look at it. Some would say God and or evil sources prevented me from being the singer I once wanted to be, and others would say, “No they didn’t. It wasn’t that you couldn’t sing or that something was out to get you. You just didn’t have the connections.” Same as the old baby dream. Some would say, “God and the devil didn’t stop you from conceiving, your husband did. After all, your fertility tests were fine. It was his infrequent cumming and his lack of desire to do anything about it that prevented you from conceiving.”

Anything’s possible, but I just don’t think so. I think God has his plans for all of us and that he sometimes uses others to control us, punish us, and achieve those plans. In other words, a normal sex life wouldn’t have changed destiny. It’s just that I can see it not being in my destiny to be a singer, to be a mom, and maybe not even a dollmaker, but not to lose weight? How can it not be in anyone’s “destiny” not to lose weight? If that’s the case with me then that just goes to show the extremes to which I’m controlled.

Paula left a message saying she has to return to court on February 11th but didn’t say what for or anything else about it.

If this month finishes up without the cheeks stopping by, I’d say we’re looking at a 70% probability that he’ll never be back to bug me here. After I got the piss test out of the way I really felt like I’d finally reached the beginning of the end. I only hope I’m not kidding myself. You just never know when it comes to the law. They’re famous for throwing all kinds of curveballs at you.

His not showing up lately, though, does make sense. Tom thinks the main reason they do house calls is to see if you’re doing anything wrong, and while that may certainly be a factor, I think the main reason is to see if you’ve run. Any normal, reasonable PO would figure, well, she’s only got 9 months left out of a 30-month sentence, so why would she come this far just to run now?

I already made an order from Ashton-Drake with the first of my budget money, plus silver change I had saved up. Yesterday I was browsing through their site to see what was new and there I found a $20 bronze figurine of a gorgeous ballerina named Lily. It’s 10½ high and posed unlike any of my porcelain ballerinas.

Unfortunately, it has to go through the PO, but we might get a tracking link for it. Tom will check later. We had a choice of waiting 6-10 weeks for it, or for just $4 more, we could have it shipped within 6 business days, so we opted for that which would put it here on the 5th. As with any doll coming to the PO, though, I worry it’ll make it to me without a problem.

I actually got a little color on my chest the day I sat out while he worked on the trucks, and I tried to today, only I kept getting assaulted by flies.

I cannot believe how many dogs we’ve got running loose in this town! Especially where there are so few houses. If this 10-acre lot were in Phoenix, there’d be 60 houses on it. Most of the lots within a 10-mile radius of our house are 10-acre lots, so where are all these damn dogs coming from and why won’t anybody in this state other than Mary allow their dogs indoors? There were 4 of them yesterday that cut through a corner of the land, then Tom said a little dog strode on over the other day. Yesterday I saw a dog I’d never seen before, and today I spotted a little puppy!

Because it’s been a while, I decided to send Mom a quick note, thanking her for the Christmas money, telling her about the pedals we got, and other trivial things. I also told her that if the reason Mary hasn’t answered my email is that I may’ve offended her with the superimposed pictures of her I sent, then I’m sorry, though at the same time, I’m not. I’m sure she’ll understand that I wanted to teach her a lesson by giving her a taste of her own medicine because I’m sick of her offending me with my own pictures. I explained to Mom that in light of how often she’s used other people’s pictures for this or for that, I assumed it’d be okay to do the same with her pictures. On the other hand, one can only spend so much time trying to please others or else it’ll drive them crazy, as I’m sure she’ll also understand. If Mary’s decided she doesn’t want anything to do with me, so be it. I simply can’t spend my time worrying that the things I say/do might upset others, and this is the truth. My days of trying to please others are over within reason. I don’t normally set out to deliberately be a mean, compassionless person, as I told her, but I’m not going to sit and cry over someone’s hurt feelings either if they don’t like something I do. As I’d tell anyone, if you don’t like me, don’t have anything to do with me, cuz if I don’t like you, you bet I’m going to do all I can to do the same. With my husband the rules are different, and as I told Tom, as long as he loves me, the rest of the world can hate me for all I care. I can’t deal with fragile assholes like Mary. She’s just gotten to be way too moody, sensitive, and non-tolerant for my taste. I don’t know if this has to do with the freeloaders or not, but either way, I don’t care anymore! Nor will I care if Mom doesn’t understand my letter and decides to brush me off too, though I think she’ll understand just fine. I have a strong feeling Tom and I aren’t the only ones Mary’s driven crazy with the photo sessions. I mean, this is no hobby of Mary’s. This is literally a full-scale obsession. Just one look at her walls will tell you that as they’re literally covered with pictures, mostly of herself and her nieces. There’s barely any wall space free of pictures. I’m surprised the bitch hasn’t plastered her ceiling with them yet! Meanwhile, I spoke my mind and all I can continue to do is my best with people. That’s all anyone can do.

Later…

Okay, it’s definitely, definitely next door’s dogs that have been doing the bulk of the barking, and as I just proved to Tom, they do come barking onto the land, so there’s no defending, playing down or making excuses for them. He kept insisting he’s never seen the dogs on the land, but as I told him, just cuz he hasn’t seen them doesn’t mean I haven’t and that they don’t come over here cuz they do.

It appears that while they still have the small black dog, they now have a medium tan dog instead of a medium black dog unless I just haven’t seen the bigger black one. The tan one was just standing there a little beyond where the car is parked barking at us as we stood on the front steps. I first heard it barking from my office. The kid was out there too, at the edge of their property. He was just standing there dumbly, not even calling the dogs or anything.

Tom said he wondered if it was barking at the cat, though I didn’t see the cat that usually hangs out here, and like I told him, they seem to do it just to do it. They bark on and off from sunset to sunrise. It’s been horrible lately. They used to keep their dogs on their land, but those days are well in the past now. The dog was barking like it wanted to get someone’s attention over here too, looking expectantly at the front door, wagging its tail. Yesterday when I shooed it and the black one away from the front of the house, it was wagging its tail playfully, happy to see someone and to get attention. It’s obviously like most dogs out here, been cast outdoors as if it were old furniture, ignored and neglected.

I just wish we could get that fucking truck running and the place fenced! We’d still hear them, but not nearly as much.

Woke up at 125½. So I’m averaging about a two-pound drop each week. Still kind of slow, but at least the weight’s going.

The weather’s been gorgeous. I sat outside for a while yesterday. Today we’re supposed to have a record high of 82˚. I don’t know if I’ll bother sitting out, though, as white as I am.

Now I’m not sure if the nighttime or early morning barking I’ve been hearing is the renter’s dogs or next door’s. When I poked my head out the side door at 8:00 this morning, it sounded like they could be coming from Dan’s place. It’s been bad lately, that’s for sure. Hopefully, it’ll get better as the weather warms back up. We still may have a little ways to go, but I doubt we’ll have any more freezes.

Tom ordered a new cylinder head, but now, who knows how long it’ll be before the truck’s running, licensed and registered? We may not have to choose between fences and the kiln in the end. I mean, the choice may be made for us, cuz if the truck’s not running we can’t get the fences unless we have Dave haul them.

Tom has a cold for sure this time around, but as usual, I’ve escaped catching anything. However, I slept rather poorly last night as my allergies kept waking me up. That’s been happening a lot lately where I wake up unable to breathe out of my nose. Tom says I shouldn’t open the windows so much. It’s hard, though, not to want to take advantage of letting fresh air in here when it doesn’t smell like shit. You spend so much of the year being shut up cuz of the heat, that it’s nice when you can open windows.

Tom gave me the first of my allowance money, as I call it, so that way I can keep track of what I’ve got.

I had Tom pick me up white paper at the grocery store. It’s thinner, but not much of a bleeder because I’m using a laserjet. Ink tends to bleed through it more than powder does. I should be able to print Mary’s stuff back to back without a problem.

I went and printed out the ’98 and ’99 journals just because I’m so sick of the fine-tuning job. Besides, who cares how I wrote what 5 years ago? The sick freeloaders and the courts might care, but I don’t. I wrote what I wrote, how I wrote it, and so be it. Those days are over with.

I reorganized my radio stations, knocking off the rap station I had on my list. I’m just so sick of hearing about gangs and violence. They are what they’ve made themselves. That’s all I can say.

Last night I could’ve sworn I heard this soft knocking sound while Tom was in the shower and I was in bed reading, but neither of us saw anything suspicious.

Tom got a couple of toner cartridges from work that were leftover, so that’s good, although I shouldn’t be printing nearly as much stuff now. I’ll actually be printing more for Mary than myself. For myself, I’ll only be printing out my current and future journals. I’ll probably do printouts every 3 months.

Midge, one of Barbie’s friends, has a “pregnant” version of herself. I thought it was cool and different, but understandably, it turned out to be a controversial doll. The idea was to promote family, and that’s fine. But what about being single? What about being gay? What about being straight and childless? There are other lifestyles to consider and it’s just too stereotypical. If you’re going to promote one lifestyle, you should promote others as well.

I was kind of surprised to spot it online in the first place. After all, we’re living in a time when work is in and family is out.

Tom and I sat down and discussed our new budget plans. We decided we should each get $15 every payday, which is twice a month, for spending money. We decided on $85 a week for groceries and that we’d split any leftover money. We’re also going to be setting aside money to save. We want to ultimately get $5,000 or so saved. His mom isn’t going to live forever, and should we need thousands of dollars like we did for the well, there’d be no one to run to for help once she’s gone.

So, we decided how much to set aside for various things. Maybe this can be an added incentive to lose more weight (I’m back to 126) as the more I save on food, the quicker I can get something.

I may not get any more colored paper for a while because white paper is so much cheaper. It’s $10 for 500 sheets of colored paper, yet for just $5 more I can get 1,500 sheets of white paper.

I was thinking I’d start with those $30 fairies from Ashton, then get a few fashion dolls, then probably save for some more Ashton dolls, since the HSC doesn’t have their dolls for nearly as long. For example, I know it’s no use to save for a $200 doll they may have that I like as it’d only be gone by the time I got the money saved. It’d take just about 7 months to save that much if I didn’t save on groceries along the way.

I finished the 1997 file.

Yesterday turned out to be a gorgeous day so I couldn’t resist strolling around the land. It was one of those days where it was rather warm in a T-shirt but too chilly for halters and things like that.

Since barbed wire is cheaper than grids, we talked about a barbed wire fence with closer gaps at the lower part of it to keep smaller dogs from getting through. We talked about having the bottom strand 6” off the ground, then an 8” gap between the first and second strands, then a 10” gap between the second and third, and a foot between the rest. If this doesn’t work, we’ll run a low-voltage wire around the base that will zap them away. Meanwhile, the big dogs, which are mostly what we’ve got running around loose here, couldn’t get in for sure.

I’m still not sure what I want first, that or the kiln.

Later…

The renters are making us feel anything but secluded today. Why must the most crowded rental be closest to us, huh? There are a ton of people out there right now. There’s got to be at least half a dozen adults and half a dozen kids. At least they’re quiet, though you can hear voices outside. Not surprisingly, the main attraction is the horse I still would’ve preferred them not to have gotten. They live their whole lives out front and at the right side of their place, the two sides exposed to us. Those in the other rentals probably can’t see them, though they no doubt can hear them. I appreciate the fact that they don’t play music for us, but still, why couldn’t a couple move in there who were out all day?

Right now someone’s running the horse round and round in circles again. I hope they don’t tame the horse so they can ride it. I don’t want them stealing even more of our privacy by cruising by the side and front of our house, even if they would be a couple of hundred feet away. I have a feeling, though, that if they really do end up being unhappy with this horse, they’ll just get one they can ride and be content with. They’re not going to just give up and waste the little corral they put up.

Tom says we’ll have oleanders and bougainvilleas blocking them out by the fall, but I don’t believe it.

He says that right now he’s going to see about getting the white truck running. I don’t believe that either, but if he’s able to, he’s going to begin making our new circular driveway we want in front and get the damn pipes covered for once and for all so no dogs can play with them as if they were these giant dog bones. Then, whenever we get the damn fences, which probably will be barbed wire, he’ll secure them with a cement covering so the monsoon’s hard rains can’t do what they did before and wash the dirt off of them.

Anyway, it’s another gorgeous, clean-smelling day out there so I’ve got the windows open.

I don’t think I can flip my schedule around in time for my dentist appointment on the 3rd, so I’ll be staying on days till after the 5th (the next freeloader day). I got up at 6 AM today and won’t let myself sleep later than 10:00 till then.

I just finished typing up a draft where Mary talks to one of Justin’s lawyers, and I can’t for the life of me figure out why the hell Mary would bother. He’s her enemy. The shit cock appeared all sympathetic towards Mary, only to tell Suzanne he was going to basically turn right around and stab her in the back by saying that she did it as Justin’s defense. Yet he himself admitted Justin was crazy and guilty as hell. How can he do that and then go home and sleep at night? I just don’t get it. I mean, there are some very warped human beings in this world, that’s for sure, and I don’t see why Suzanne would even think of having Mary talk to any of Justin’s defense attorneys or pigs. None of them are on her side.

I feel almost as bad for Mary for the way she’s been treated since losing Gretchen, as I do for her for losing her in the first place.

And another crazy thing is that the judge won’t allow Mary to mention Gretchen’s name or Justin’s lunacy, saying the jury would automatically convict him of Gretchen’s murder out of prejudice if she did.

But that’s what they should do. He is crazy and he did kill her, so why should anything be done to hinder them from doing the right thing?

I always said judges were fucked up for a reason, didn’t I? They’re just as bad!

Anyway, the wind’s now blowing easterly, which means that standing by the open kitchen window, I can hear voices here and there, but with my office on the other side of the house, I can’t hear them in there. It’ll really suck when there’s a house across the way, cuz I know it’ll just have to be a big family, they’ll just have to live outdoors and in front, and someone will just have to be home 24/7.

Later…

I just shut all the windows to keep the smoke out of here. Yeah, they’re barbecuing back there now, and I swear there’s got to be half a dozen cars there. They’re about the rowdiest I’ve ever seen them, but fortunately, I still have yet to hear music from them. I wonder if it’s a special occasion or if this is going to be a regular occurrence, particularly on weekends? And are they going to be this active in the summer heat? They’re going to have to be out at least a little more often than they were last summer to feed and water the horse, which Tom said he saw someone riding. I didn’t see anyone on it yet myself, though.

Again, nothing could ever be as annoying as city noise out here, but if we did have a pool and a porch in back or towards the side where the master bedroom is, it would not be very peaceful, and we’d sure as shit have no privacy. Not without those hedges.

Anyway, there’s no music and they’re not just a few feet away, so I may as well get used to their presence cuz they’re not going away. Not anytime soon from what I can tell and vibe.

I gained 4 pounds in just two days of eating. Although I haven’t had sugar yet this year, the bulk of what I ate was starch, so that’s almost as bad. If I’d eaten the same quantity/calorie amount, but in meat or veggies, I may not have gained so much back.

I realize now that no, the bike doesn’t have anything to do with the weight loss. After all, I always said that only a good old-fashioned diet can cause weight loss. The water pills do help, though.

Once again I’m asking myself if I want to continue on only to achieve something that can be so easily lost. It’s just that I could end up gaining hundreds of pounds if I eat whenever I’m hungry. Most people reach a maximum weight and settle into whatever they’re going to be as long as they won’t diet, but with me, there is no max. I’d just keep gaining and gaining. I wouldn’t gain 30, 40, 50 pounds like most people, then just stop.

Maybe, with the aid of the water pills, I’ll get down to 105 as originally planned and bounce between that and 110. Meaning, I’ll take two days a week off, then spend the rest of the week working off whatever I gained from my days off. I can’t just get down to 105 and expect to stay there unless I diet every single day for the rest of my life and never take a day off which is simply not going to happen.

The truck’s both better and not better. It’s running much more smoothly now, but it’s smoking way too much. Tom’s not only worried it’ll flunk inspection, but that a pig will pull him over before he could even get there, and you know you can’t even go a block without running into a cruiser. It’s going to cost us another $300 for the parts needed to make it run more clearly. Tom insists it won’t keep costing us a few hundred every few weeks/months, saying that the thing has only so many parts anyway. He says we can probably use it for hauling things for many years to come.

I forgot to mention that Scot won the Probation Officer of 2001 award. When I saw the plaque on his office wall, I nearly laughed out loud. I mean, what did he win it for? For being so serious most of the time? For being overly by the book? For going bald and covering it with a baseball cap every day of his life?

I wonder if the black bitch ever fears me (for real) and wonders if I’m going to do anything after October, or if jail really got me off her ass for good? Then again, it doesn’t matter what she thinks. There’ll never be any justice in this case and we all know it. She and her cronies fucked me over, they got away with it, and so be it. They won, I lost, and there’s not a damn thing I can ever do about it. All I can do is use what I’ve learned and apply it to the batch of sickos that may move in and fuck with us from properties closest to us in the future, which means we’d move. There’d be nothing to say or do but move anyway, cuz nothing we said or did would help us or change anything.

The things that we went through in Phoenix versus out here tells me that although we were cursed in both places, we were cursed for different reasons. With the freeloaders, it was simply to punish us in a place we were stuck in. There was no way out at the time. We couldn’t simply up and move from there anytime we wanted to or else we’d have moved much sooner than we did. It wanted us to stay right where we were and to have to sit and listen to next door’s shit.

Here, though, it wants us out. It’s pissed we came here and the troubles we’ve had here seem to be mainly punishment for moving. Especially the part where I’m forced to leave here for half a year.

Our latest punishment for moving here is that the bank that deals with our loan/mortgage is demanding we pay a couple hundred more bucks each month. That puts it from $850 to $1,050. Although Tom says we could afford to pay as much as $1,100 a month, he’s fighting it because one, it’s not fair, and two, they’re breaking a legally binding contract.

To back up a bit, Tom had told me he was trying to get extra money from the bank and that they were ripping us off with the payments, and not to bother answering out-of-area calls, which I normally don’t anyway as 9 out of 10 times they’re sales calls.

Then, after Tom left for work yesterday afternoon, I went out to feed the prairie dogs (which really are ground squirrels, even though I still call them prairie dogs). When I turned around to go back in the house, I found a 2-page legal document taped to the door.

The document looked a little scary to me what with the paragraph that talked about auctioning off our house on March 26th. I paged Tom immediately, and he assured me that he’d have it all worked out in a couple of weeks and that there was no chance of us losing the house, not that I don’t have mixed emotions about moving anyway. Meaning, it wouldn’t be the end of the world as long as we stayed out of the city and never again lived in a 50-year-old 1400-square-foot dive.

When he got in this morning, he explained it to me in full, telling me of all the different options we have. As he said, he initiated this because he knew we were getting ripped off, and all they’re trying to do is bully him around a bit in hopes that he’ll cave in and just allow them to keep ripping us off, but he says he won’t, and that if it came down to it, we’ll take them to court. However, the reason he doubts it’ll come to that is that the bank wouldn’t want the bad publicity it’d bring over a couple of hundred bucks a month. As it is there’s a class-action suit against the bank for not paying their employees overtime like they did with Tom. He thinks they’ll be willing to settle out of court, though, and while they may not back the payments back to the $850 they’re legally supposed to be, he thinks he can get it down $100.

It all makes us all the more wish we could strike it rich, dump society altogether and just go live on the ocean for the rest of our lives, only docking every few months for supplies and to shop for fun stuff. Since that’s not likely, I find myself thinking more of a house in the woods somewhere. It’s not that I’m unhappy here. Not by a long shot. This isn’t Phoenix, we don’t have freeloading assholes next to us who can’t sit still and shut up, I do love this house; it’s just that the freeloaders know we live here, even if that probably doesn’t mean anything, and I don’t like the openness. As I told Tom, though, no place we could live could ever be as bad as Doe and Art’s, Brattleboro, Valleyhead or Estrella, and we’d always have each other. Also, I know each place we could live would have its pros and cons, so it kind of balances things out anyway.

Tom told me that on his way to work, before I discovered the papers on the door, some guy was outside with court papers, claiming it was about a foreclosure on someone else’s house.

“Then what would he be doing here?” I asked Tom this morning. “See, I think he was shitting you because he didn’t want to have to deal with handing you the papers personally and then have to deal with your reaction. Besides, I never heard a knock on the door. That alone tells me he saw you were leaving, watched the house from wherever then came back in when you were gone.”

I wonder if the old guy looking for this other guy was connected to this but at that hour?

Why, oh why, though, are we such a magnet for rip-offs?! I mean, I know everyone gets taken advantage of, but it seems we really are one of the extremes. When it comes to being ripped off, leaks, and things breaking, we’re way ahead of most people.

The question we’ve been asking ourselves is, should we get the fence or the kiln first? If I still had two or more years of probation, I’d definitely opt to do the fence first, but now I don’t know. Yes, I’d like to keep dogs off our property and make it a real nuisance for people to bug us, but I really want to get on with the dollmaking once and for all, too.

Mary sent me some book drafts and some sexual fantasies to type up, along with a quick note saying her book looks great, she’ll be sending stamps soon and that Suzanne secured an order for her to be allowed to be at Justin’s sentencing hearing. Then after that, there’ll be an extradition hearing. Why she needs to be at the sentencing hearing when someone can always tell her what the sentence was, and why there needs to be an extradition hearing, beats me.

Since putting air fresheners in the car doesn’t last long, I think I’ll take the remaining two Vanillaroma fresheners and stick one in here and one in the master bath.

We were in and out of Scot’s in a flash, then it was off to a rather fun day.

Instead of going to the dollar store and the grocery store, we went to Office Max and Walmart, though we did stop for lunch as planned. He got a burger and fries and I got the Chinese I’d been craving for eons. I probably shouldn’t get it again too soon as their portions are huge. I only ordered a side of pork fried rice and some shrimp egg foo young, yet I’ve got enough food here to last a few days!

The food bumped me back up a pound. I thought it’d be two pounds, but see how easy it would be to undo all I’ve done? It’s just that I couldn’t undo it as quickly as I could if I weren’t pedaling.

We went to Office Max so Tom could check out chairs, but he didn’t find any he really liked.

At Walmart, we got a lot of stuff for the car, including fuzzy leopard car seat covers and carpet for the floor.

For me, I got a few bushels of flowers each for a buck (a couple with pink roses and one with irises). I got raspberry-scented bubble bath with Rapunzel Barbie’s picture on it (I guess she’s a really popular Barbie right now). I got a 3-pack of flavored lip gloss, a sports bra, and some really cool gold glittery lip gloss. It’s the most glittery I’ve had yet.

Lastly, for just a few bucks I got a Barbie nightgown for Chris that ended up on Jade. It wouldn’t quite cover the soft part of Chris’ legs because the gown was cut higher at the sides. Jade’s jacket fits Chris just fine, but her pants were too short, so I took an old jumpsuit of mine (a combination of t-shirt/shorts) and cut it above the waistband. These made the perfect shorts for Chris, only I had to pin them in back as they were a bit large on her. It looks like she’s got culottes on, actually, and the jacket covers the pinned waist, though it’d be hard to see anyway with the way she’s sitting on the loveseat.

For now, Jade’s pants will wait for someone new to wear them.

I was surprised when Tom came home without any mail from Mary. It makes me wonder if she moved already.

We were also surprised to receive the new carburetor in the mail. Tom thought he was going to have to pick it up in person.

Today’s a freeloader day. Gotta go report, hope I’m in and out without incident, then it’s off to the dollar store, the grocery store, and for some Chinese take-out. Today will be a good test to see just how easily I gain the weight back using the bike (I call it a bike, even though it’s not literally a bike). I woke up at 126 even. I have a feeling that had I not taken water pills yesterday and a couple of days ago, I would still be struggling to get under 128.

I can’t believe how easy the bike is, yet so effective! I can very easily do 30-60 minutes a day. Never again will I use that boring, clanky, back-breaking rower or that boring treadmill. The bike’s definitely the best. I can watch TV while I use it and actually hear it or I can read. And all without straining my back, killing my feet, or jarring my knees and ankles like jogging. Also, I get a good workout that’s not too kick-ass. You should have an elevated heartbeat that’s comfortable and not feel like your heart’s going to explode.

I decorated my inhalers yesterday by printing out a few floral pictures I taped around them.

Tom suggested I just go ahead and print journals on one side of each page, and I think that’s what I’ll do.

Woke up again at 126½. Looks like I’m going to be stuck today too, so I’ll probably take a water pill. I’m close enough to my period to do so anyway. It’s just that the shit makes me a little drowsy.

Tomorrow I’ll be pigging out on Chinese so I may end up putting back most of what I lost. That’s how easily set back I can be.

Thanks to the freeloaders, Tom had to go to work last night. He got in a short while ago and crashed. He’s got to be back at work earlier today. Like at 4 PM. Then he’ll sleep from about 2 AM – 8 AM, then we’ll leave for Casa Grande at 9:00.

I just hope things will be okay from here on out, but again, 9 months seems a bit long for something not to come up. Wouldn’t it just be oh so wonderful, though, if I could know that from here on out my only burden was to make sure I was on schedule for reporting every other week and that was it? Well, I don’t know if it’ll be that simple from here on out, but at least I don’t have to report at a set time as that would only make it much harder and more stressful. To think that I might only have to see Scot’s face just 18 more times after tomorrow is just wonderful! Nothing against Scot. It’s just that he’s connected to the freeloaders, so naturally, he makes me think of them. Anytime I see or think of Scot, I remember the freeloaders. They go hand in hand just like with the K and even Teddy Bear. Thinking of and remembering the freeloaders is something I do well enough on my own without any connection reminders for help.

The freeloaders also put a hold on Mary’s mail which I almost dread getting. It’s like, how many favors you got for me this time around?

At least the freeloaders gave me a day off from the cheeks. Then again, it’s hardly a “day off” when you don’t expect him in the first place. If he doesn’t come by March, then I’ll start to seriously think that the home visits were truly over as of last August. If only I’d know it, if that’s really the case, as that would’ve eased a lot of the stress. On the other hand, like God would do anything to help ease my freeloader-related stress? Yeah, right!

Tom said he was working on dealing with the bank, cuz he suspects they’ve been ripping us off by having us pay more per month than we’re supposed to.

Why must everyone use us at will and rip us off? Huh? Why do people love to take advantage of us so damn much? Are we that easy? Do we look like these vulnerable, gullible suckers or something or does this happen to everybody? I don’t know about that. I mean, it really seems like we’re the extremes in this case.

The Dead Zone’s gotten to be rather boring and predictable. And of course, what’s a series after 1990 without childbirth in it? It’s just so old! Besides, I may not have wanted a kid for about 5 years now, but still, I don’t need to see this shit and risk rekindling old desires. Wanting a kid you can’t have is the ultimate torture, the worst thing God can do to a woman. He may have a lot of people fooled as to what he really stands for, but I see right through him. I don’t care how crazy it sounds; I know he’s a mean and vengeful God. I don’t see him punishing me with that all over again once the freeloaders are out of my life, but how convenient that’d be since there’d be no one too close to sic on me. It’s a scary thought too, and as the end of this 7-year nightmare gets closer, the more I wonder – what’ll it be next? What will he whip my ass with next, other people, financial problems, health problems, or will I fall into a deep depression of some kind for reasons I can’t even begin to imagine at this time?

Actually, for me the absolute worst thing he could do, if he ever decided to hate me that much, and luckily I don’t think he does, would be to have Tom killed, be it in a car wreck, an illness, etc. If he really knows all, though, then he would know that killing him meant killing me as I’d be right up to join my husband in a heartbeat!

Oh, I have more shitty news to add to the list too, and that’s that they’re no longer going to make stock options available to employees at the bank. That really sucks big time. Next January, we might be able to make one last sell-out, but that will be it.

Lisa turned 20 yesterday. I couldn’t care less about everyone else, but I’ll always wonder about Lisa. At this point, she’s still probably quite naïve, with still many years ahead of misery, loneliness and cigarettes. I wonder, though, did she get out of the house? And if so, how did she get out, where did she go and what’s she doing?

Guess I’ll go proofread now. I’m less than a month away from quitting smoking and I don’t even know it. Not a clue! About two more years to go too, before the freeloaders switch from being a visual/audio part of my life to a financial/steal-my-freedom part of my life.

Later…

Oh, that damn laser jet! It’s all well and good and all that, but I get so many paper jams. Particularly when doing flipsides of pages. It makes me wonder if when printing journals I should print on only one side of the paper, do the flipside with the inkjet, or quit printing journals altogether.

I just had an idea. I’ll go and print ’03 at the end of the year on one side of the paper, then I’ll flip the pages upside down and over and do ’04 on that side. During the year, the paper will have time to settle out flat.

God help the freeloaders’ neighbors today, whoever they may be. The shit I went through with them makes me wonder if they’re just as rude as they were to us, or if this has caused them to settle down a bit, but I doubt it. I don’t think they’re capable of getting along with others and being considerate of those around them. I think they live in their own little obnoxious world and to hell with who may have to deal with it. Besides, why should they worry about neighbors who complain about them when they know they can get them thrown in jail?

I was thinking about that and their pig pal. Both Tom and I agree that judging by the way they were carrying on in court, they are friends. However, there are a few things that just don’t add up. If they’re really buddy-buddies, then why didn’t the pig come after me when the default warrant was issued? And why didn’t he book me the day he dragged me to the station? And why, when asked something about sending forms pertaining to me to the DA or filing them, did he say to file them? These are the only things that don’t make sense to me.

I’m just so sick of blacks, Mexicans, and all the problems they add to our already fucked up society. If they’re really “just like us,” then why are the bulk of them the jobless criminals that they are? I don’t buy it when they claim they can’t get decent jobs cuz of discrimination. Some might really get discriminated against, but for the most part, they use that and the past as a crutch, an excuse to just sit on their lazy asses. They are what they make themselves to be.

And when are we ever going to have equal rights? When can we have our white TV channels and our white beauty pageants like they can have their black this and black that without being called racists?

I really think we should go back to segregation. I mean, the idea of mixing used to be wonderful to me, but now that I see all the controversy and turmoil it causes, I think we’d be asking for less trouble if we segregated ourselves. You simply can’t order everyone to get along with each other. There are always going to be groups who hate other groups. The Arabs hate the Jews who hate the blacks who hate the Hispanics who hate the Indians, etc., and like it or not, this is the way it’s always going to be. Fortunately, though, you don’t have too many states pushing so hard at deseg like Arizona does. Tom says it’s just the opposite and that this state’s got one of the highest prejudice rates there is, but if that’s the case, then why is everyone running around kissing their asses out here, which of course, is sending the wrong message? All it’s doing is saying to minorities is, “It’s okay to pick on whites or to do this or to do that cuz this state will let you get away with it due to your color.”

I woke up at 126.5 and I was stuck yesterday, too. The question is, how much of it is real weight-loss, versus water loss? I did take a water pill yesterday. Nonetheless, maybe I really can lose a decent amount of weight. I’ll just be doing it in slow motion and could still be dieting in June at the rate I’m going, but I guess I don’t mind the wait. Slower is better than never at all.

Tom says that for my age I look fine, but if I were 17, I’d be chunky.

And if I’d had kids I’d be considered anorexic, since pregnancy leaves 90% of women much heavier than they were beforehand, and they almost never lose the weight, either. I guess that’s another reason to be glad kids weren’t meant to be or else I probably would be stuck in the 140s, 150s or maybe even higher. You usually gain 50-60 pounds during pregnancy and you only lose about 20 upon delivery. What’s left over is yours to keep.

Anyway, I started at 133 and my goal is to get to 105. When I get to 118, which will be right around the halfway mark, I’ll have Tom take another picture. 118 still seems worlds away!

I asked Tom if he thought I’d still be skinny if I were still alone, broke and smoking, and he said no. I don’t know, though. It’s just that upon reading back, the weight gain does seem to be more connected to quitting smoking than to age. I quit smoking at about 108. Just 4 months later I was 125 and ever since then, nothing’s been the same. Losing weight hasn’t been nearly as easy as it used to be. I doubt I’d have remained around 100 pounds all my life had I been able to keep on smoking, but I don’t think I’d be nearly as big as I am today.

If only I didn’t have asthma and if only a pack of cigarettes were the 75¢ they used to be when I started smoking in – what year was it – 1979?

Anyway, technically I’m down nearly 10 pounds since I did peak at 136. It’s just that by the time the actual diet began, I had slipped down a few pounds.

It must’ve been colder today cuz the heat came on before midnight. Usually, it doesn’t come on till between midnight - 1 AM. It took almost till 2 AM to kick on the other day.

I wish the AC was temperature-sensitive like the heat is, but it’s not. In order to have it comfortable in the daytime, it’d be a freezer in here at night if I didn’t adjust it, and in order to have it comfy at night, it’d be an oven in here during the daytime. It has a mind of its own. In the summer I set it to not come on till it gets up to 82°, yet it goes and kicks in 78°.

Although lots of fun, neither rat goes into the kitchen, making it easier to let them play unsupervised. Those that traveled down to the den and up onto the couch were the ones I had to really watch to keep them from tearing up the couch like Houdini and Little Buddy did.

I’ll be watching Charlie’s Angels in a few hours. What a show that was! Back in those days you rarely had blacks in the picture, and the subject matter wasn’t nearly as depressing as it is now. Back then it was petty crooks, swindlers, scammers, blackmailers, extortionists and murderers (usually amongst business partners). Today it’s all about race, poverty, gangs, child abuse, child molestation, domestic violence and crack whores having crack babies.

I guess they felt that addressing these sickening issues would help curb them, but they obviously thought wrong. People felt that doing this and making stiffer penalties would curb crime but people just don’t understand how invincible criminals think they are. Most criminals are as sure that they’ll never get caught as they are that the sun will rise and set, so no amount of threat of stiff punishment’s gonna stop them.

Earlier I heard the faint traces of bass, and the nighttime dog-barking is still worse than ever.

Paula called again this morning, and although I heard the phone ring, I didn’t feel like gabbing with her. Being the weekend, she’d want to prattle on for hours. Besides, we just spoke and God knows I can stand to talk to that flake only so often! She sure is funny, though.

I wonder how much of a pest Mary will be when she’s free. If she can be a demanding pest at times locked up, I’d hate to see how she’ll be on the outs. I’m afraid she’ll want to be here constantly to use the computer/printer, but if I have to put my foot down about that, I will. Hopefully, us living where we live won’t make it all that convenient for her to bug us too often anyhow.

I’m slowly rolling back around to days, so if Scot is anywhere near, I’ll be ready for him. Let’s see, so far there’s been 11 visits which took place on 6/18/2001, 7/25/2001, 8/15/2001, 9/13/2001, 1/7/2002, 1/24/2002, 2/13/2002, 3/14/2002, 5/13/2002, 6/24/2002 and 8/8/2002.

I was surprised to weigh 128, two pounds lighter than I woke up at, towards the end of my day and with being stuck again, but then I remembered I took a water pill earlier.

Up to 2,701 album views, half of which are of my pictures. Another doll shot download, too.

Paula called too, and left a message saying they moved her court date up to May, though she’s still going in on the 23rd. Sounds like the 23rd is a pretrial hearing or something, and May will be her actual sentencing day.

Guess I’ll go do some proofreading now. I’m up to mid-’97. I’m right at the point where the black bums start slamming car doors like crazy and when they got the dog to torment me with after I hauled off at them for basing me out at 6:30 in the morning. Just a couple months away from when they took it out of the back yard one night and tied it to the Jeep’s fender in the carport so it’d be right smack outside our windows, and when she came screaming at our door. Oh, why didn’t I beat the shit out of her then?!?! She had a lot of nerve too, coming to our door and telling me to shut up. Then even more nerve to tell me she was sick of my shit when she and her sick associates were the ones dishing it.

Anyway, it was too obvious that they got the dog just to use it against me, and I remember that I not only felt sorry for the dog but how grateful I was the day the housing people caught her with it and made her get rid of it. That must’ve pissed her the fuck off big time, too.

The question is, how is she gonna feel in a little over 9 months from now when she no longer has any kind of a hold on me?

This time period was also when I began to realize that it takes a lot more than shared blood to make a family. All the years of abuse I took from my family began to have an accumulative effect on me, causing years of simmering emotions to boil over.

Tom went back to bed shortly after the knocker left. Especially since he has to leave for work at 4 PM today for a meeting.

I hope Paula gets the doll’s dress before the 23rd in case she really does go to jail.

The freeloaders are giving us Monday off. Yeah, it’s MLK Day, so no cheeks that day.

I’m feeling once again like the dollmaking thing is just another joke on me, like it’s never going to happen. Too many things keep coming up to prevent it which tells me something right there. Well, I’ll just do what I said before and forget about it if we still don’t have the kiln come summertime. I’m not going to make the same mistake I made in the past by struggling for things that aren’t meant to be.

Although at only 100 DPI, I went and scanned every picture of Mary’s I have. She has a total of 40 pictures which I’ll burn onto a CD for her once she’s out. I hope she gets her own PC and printer! She certainly could use it. As soon as my PC is upgraded and equipped with a burner of its own, I’ll be making Paula a CD of pictures and journals. That is, after I edit the hell out of them, of course.

Later…

Yesterday, Tom slept longer than I’ve ever known him to in the near-decade we’ve been together. He says the diet’s making him tired. I was tired too, when I first started dieting. I’m now 128 and amazingly regular. Funny thing is, though, I’ve been eating more. Like 1,200 cals. Maybe it really does take twice as long and is twice as hard to diet alone, and maybe the diet and exercise combined really are helping, so I guess I’ll keep plugging away at it a little while longer. I still don’t think I’ll get to 105-110, and I still want a Chinese buffet break on Wednesday when we go to see the cheeks like we planned (he’ll make his own stop for American food).

Think I’ll go download some nature sound MP3s, like rainstorms, birds, wind chimes, oceans, brooks, waterfalls, etc. The wind sounds suck. They sound too much like a swarm of bees.

Wow, I just got a letter from Mary dated the 24th and postmarked the 27th! Don’t know why it took nearly 3 weeks to get to me. That happens sometimes, I guess.

At this time she thought she was going to be there till the summer and asked for two copies of her drafts along with her astrology, saying she’d mail them to herself in Florida the day before she left Estrella, but I take it that she wants me to just wait and send the stuff to Florida, seeing that she’s leaving next month (unless there are more delays).

She still expects to be released in 2004 or 2005 at the max. I hope so! And I hope she really isn’t on intense probation for too long, but like I’ve said before, you can’t count on or trust the law to come through for you. I’m sure she knows this by now, though. She’s not stupid.

She says Virginia, who killed her drug dealers, is worse than Hope, but at least gets her own commissary.

She doesn’t yet know why José is in jail.

I sent her a couple of pictures of Chris, one face shot, one full body shot, and a few drawings I did years ago. She asked to see them which was nice. I sent her a person, dogs, and a colored drawing of a cat surrounded by flowers and butterflies.

I’m back to 129, but since I doubt I’ll shit for 2-3 days, I’m sure I’ll gain a pound or two back. I felt so teased earlier. I felt like I had to take a dump, but as soon as I sat on the toilet, the feeling was gone as quickly as it had come. All I can do is just eat sensibly and exercise regularly. It all goes to prove, though, that no, attitude is not always connected to the outcome. I was sure I’d lose the weight, yet I couldn’t, just like I was sure I could never quit smoking, yet I did.

I’m in mid-1997 with the proofreading, and right before the folks visited, I wrote that I had a feeling it was to be our final meeting. I sure got that one right!

I also wrote that I was struggling between being angry at his mom for using him and feeling guilty about complaining about it, but now I don’t feel an ounce of guilt for how I felt, and I shouldn’t have felt guilty back then, either. She did a terrible thing. She stole my husband from me, ran him ragged, and milked us of a lot of money. Why shouldn’t I have felt any hard feelings just because she might have done us a favor or two in return? She still used the shit out of my husband and took his attention away from me when I needed it more. I also think Tom should’ve realized what was going on a lot sooner than he did and put an end to it sooner, but he could never be nearly to blame as much as his mother. She knew that because he was so kind and generous, he’d have a hard time saying no.

The last mouse died today, so no more mice for a while. Next time, though, they’ll have all new cages and accessories.

In better news, the stock did sell yesterday, after all, for just under $1,500. I still don’t know what I’ll get for my next doll order or when, since we still have to get the damn carburetor so the truck can be up and running, then get the fences. We don’t know for sure how much the fences will cost, but I vibed $450.

There are a couple of really nice HSC dolls I’d like, but one of them is a 750-piece limited edition, and the other’s 750-piece closed edition, so by the time we get the extra money, they’ll probably be gone. In that case, I’ll just get the fashion dolls I want, but I’m pretty sure at this point that I won’t be bothering with Ashton-Drake.

I looked, and there is a fourth Playboy doll that will soon be available (I don’t know why they have her listed as the third in the series) named Ava Fabian. She’s a brunette and is going to be wearing Playboy’s original bunny suit.

I can’t believe that of the first four dolls, they’re all white. Especially what with the way everything’s so mixed. I mean, you can’t even find one TV series, one movie, or one commercial without a black in it these days, and Asians too, of course.

I finally spoke with Paula. Of course, she had to call when Charlie’s Angels was on, but oh well. She called at 5:30 her time, saying it was 10° and that there were two feet of snow. Naturally, I rubbed in our beautiful weather, although it is quite cold at night. Especially out here where there’s not nearly as much concrete to hold the heat in. While it can get up to 70° during the daytime, it can get down to the high 20s at night.

Paula says she goes to bed at 9 PM and gets up at 5 AM every day, and is her same old self. The conversation was the usual; about the losers she hangs with. If ever there was a woman attracted to abusive men, it’s got to be Paula B. She’s worse than my sister was. It’s sick. It really is. But more so, it’s sad. I can see a guy being attracted to an aggressive woman only because most guys, unlike most women, don’t have much self-respect. This is crazy, though. Totally crazy. She talks of how Miguel, her current PR of choice, put stitches in her head and about how she’s going to trial (she pled not guilty) on the 23rd for slugging him, yet says they’re still the best of buddies. She said she doesn’t want to dump him because he and Justin grew close, but that’s crazy. Any man that can beat a woman can beat a child too, and they should not be allowed near either one. Especially a child who cannot fight back.

Maybe he could, though, because according to Paula, my predictions for Justin getting into all kinds of trouble are already ringing true. He pulled a knife on a fellow student, so she says, which doesn’t surprise me in the least. Any kid who grows up with an aggressive mother whose millions of boyfriends are abusive is almost guaranteed to end up violent and in trouble with the law constantly. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Justin ultimately ended up in prison for years. I hate to say it, but it’s what I see plain as day.

She asked me if I saw her having to do 90 days, which is what she says she’ll get if she loses the trial, and at the time I didn’t see anything, but afterward, once we’d hung up and I’d had a chance to concentrate on it in silence, I did feel a slight vibe saying that she is going to jail. Sorry girl!

Then she says she may have to do an additional 30 days for getting caught driving without a license, something she never bothered to get, for reasons I can’t fathom.

Every other time we talk she says it cracks her up that Tom and I don’t sleep together.

Now, how can that crack someone up? I mean, what’s so funny about it? It may be odd, but funny?

She’s one funny lady, though, that’s for sure. Let’s see… she wants to send Tom a carburetor cuz they’re cheaper there and claims that the FBI hung up her phone when we were accidentally disconnected. She reminds me of Ellie!

I finally, after 6 months, found out what she thinks of the dolls. She says she likes and kept them all, though she hasn’t got them set up cuz she needs shelves.

Meanwhile, I’m sending her an extra dress that will fit a couple of the tall dolls which I can’t imagine ever having a use for. I told her that after that, though, I wouldn’t send anything else to her unless she contacted me saying she wasn’t in jail. I don’t want to be sending stuff her ditzy associates may not remember to give to her once she’s out.

Anyway, she’s at the end of the year’s probation she got for slugging that pig. I still can’t believe she got a year of probation for slugging a pig while I got half a year in jail, plus 2½ years of probation over a fucking letter! But then again I can because life’s so unfair.

What’s sad is that Paula’s the kind who’ll never get anyone decent, not that that’s an excuse to take just anything she can get. It’s just that the more stable people are going to see Paula as not good enough for them. I’ve walked in her shoes before. Back when I was young, naïve, mixed up and too nice, all I’d get were assholes. Those who had their shit together and who were more mature basically looked down on me, knowing they were too good for me at the time.

Later…

That was scary. Really utterly terrifying! I was playing with the rats. Tom was still in bed. Suddenly, there was a knock on the utility door. Whenever I hear a knock at the door I think – black bitch! Especially when 90% of the knocks have been connected to them.

I ran and opened Tom’s bedroom door, flipped on the light, and woke him up with the news. He asked me what my vibes were and I said I didn’t have any bad ones. Nonetheless, against my better judgment, he went out and checked after the third knock to find an old white guy looking for some guy.

Later he went out to look around and came back saying that it sounded like he was going door to door, judging by the way the dogs were going off, but dogs go off around here a lot lately, so I don’t know. I guess he was harmless.

I should’ve figured it wasn’t black-related, though, since the pigs have always preferred to come to the front door and only in the daylight. The cheeks, who also uses the front door, wouldn’t come at this hour to a client on standard probation.

“You also shouldn’t have turned on the light or walked as noisily,” Tom said, which is true.

Although few and far between, I can’t wait for the fences that will stop these casual visitors, or at least make it a bitch for them to bother us.

Fortunately, I still don’t have any bad vibes, but if there’s going to be any more trouble, I still say it won’t be till before or after 10/30. It’ll depend on how the freeloaders feel. Not being in the same county helps, but will they feel they “got me” and so be it? Or will their little victory of 2000 go to their heads, making them feel invincible and like they can do anything to me and get away with it (not that there wouldn’t be a grain of truth to that)? Sometimes abusing others can be a real addiction for some people.

The so-called easy diet hasn’t been so easy lately. For the last few days, I’ve felt as if nothing could fill me up. Like I could eat a ton of food and still be hungry. I can’t lose weight anyway, so I may as well eat when I’m hungry. I’m not going to make a pig of myself and eat for the hell of it, but I see no sense in going hungry anymore for no reason at all.

Mary was right when she said the clip I received today would be painful. The sick fuck I’d love just 5 minutes with, broke James’ arm when he was around two. As I told her, I know all too well the agony of a broken arm, and where the hell was God throughout all of it? Nowhere! He just didn’t give a damn, did he? I still can’t understand how she can worship something that allowed all this and so much more to happen! After considering all she and her kids have been through, doesn’t it ever make her wonder if perhaps she’s kidding herself by telling herself that God wants her to be happy and that he doesn’t want her to suffer? I mean, if he never wanted her to suffer, then who did and why didn’t he intervene?

And how the hell could she stay with Justin one second longer? I mean, what was she thinking?! Of all the dumb things I’ve done, not even my dumbest of all judgment calls comes close to how dumb she was to have put up with his shit for as long as she did. She had people she could’ve gone to. Some people may be truly stranded with no place else to go, but she had people she could’ve run to, and if she didn’t, I’d rather be homeless on the streets than live with such abuse!

Just what was she thinking? That he’d one day be a prince who treated her and her kids with the utmost love and respect? Please! How could it take one abused kid and one dead one to realize just what she was dealing with??? I’m sure Murphy and Andrew were abused, too. I don’t know who’s worse, her or Paula.

The woman prosecuting Justin in the James case asked Mary the same thing most people have undoubtedly wondered – why didn’t she leave? Mary’s answer to that was that she was too scared to because he threatened to kill her, her family, and her friends, but I don’t buy it. Oh, I don’t doubt she was scared. It’s just that as I’ve said a million times over, actions speak louder than words. Most people don’t act on their threats, and it just seems to me that it’d be a worthy gamble to take by breaking away despite the threats, rather than stick around and risk getting killed. I’d take my chances and leave as you’re a lot more likely to get killed by an abusive person than without them. If you break away from an abusive person, things can only get better, but if you stick around, there’s no hope for any change.

Anyway, in case I haven’t yet said so, Andrew and James were adopted and Murphy lives with her aunt Carolyn.

Another thing is that there is a huge difference between Mary and Paula, and that’s that Mary realizes she fucked up and has learned from it. Paula’s 35 years old and she still doesn’t get it. To quote from Mary’s own words; she lives in torment and regrets the fact that she let her fear of a man get in the way of doing right by her kids.