Looks like Michelle hasn’t dumped Mary after all, and no, I’m not embarrassed or upset over the fact that I sent the earlier journals. This is a stranger whose opinions are meaningless to me. If she mentions it to Mary, and I’m sure she will, all I have to say is that I sent it to her by accident.

Anyway, Michelle says she’s just been busy and hasn’t been on her computer. She has over 200 emails. I’ll have Tom mail her message I enclosed with a letter to Mary tonight, and hope she gets it before she leaves.

Hopefully, Mary will be able to let me know soon if she is leaving for sure or if she’s going to be sticking around a while longer. I’d like to know and understand more about the outcome of the AZ case and what’s to be happening with the FL case, but for reasons I can’t fathom, Mary’s rather secretive about this. I can’t imagine why, though, since she’s got nothing to hide. She’s not the one who did the abusing.

I really do hope she moves soon. Not just so no one could possibly recognize my name on my mail to her and get nosy, but I don’t want to have to visit her at Estrella at the end of the year. It isn’t because I don’t want to see her, but I just don’t want to return to that jail! I don’t want to have to wait forever to see her, either.

I wish there was a way of letting Teddy Bear know just how much I ended up falling in love with her and how much I miss her and wonder about her, not that it’d necessarily do me any good. Yes, I still miss her and long to be in her arms. I can close my eyes and feel exactly what it’d be like, too. I can still see her face and hear her voice as clearly as I did nearly two years ago.

I’m still also sorry she never cared enough, in the end, to follow through with her word about seeing me. I believe her feelings at the time were sincere, but I know that today, she probably hardly remembers me and barely ever thinks of me.

Or, as I theorized before, maybe she cared more for me than I thought and maybe that’s why she never contacted me. I’d like to think that the reason she blew me off was just that she fell too hard for a married, long-distance woman. Not that someone talked her out of seeing me, that Ida may’ve said something, that she may’ve got wind about my mail pertaining to her, or simply because someone else stole her heart (although I wouldn’t want her to be alone and lonely). Of course, there’s still always the slim chance she never got the letter, lost my number, or was simply too shy to call.

I think of all the possibilities that could’ve happened had we gotten together and wonder if I should be glad I never got the chance to find out for sure just what would’ve happened. Would I simply have seen her a few times a year? How long would she have been in my life? Would we have become intimate? Would we have both fallen so deeply in love that I’d be willing to risk giving up my home/security to go live with her (though I can’t see myself dumping on Tom like that or being able to live with never seeing him again) and if so, how long would it have lasted? What would a relationship with her be like? As good as I think it’d be? Would we have gotten sick of each other at some point?

Well, I guess I’ll never know what might’ve been, just like she’ll never know just how much I came to love her. I was hot with lust for her, but I was also in love with her. I’m sure I always will be, too.

This isn’t good; starting off a new year still teary-eyed over Teddy Bear. Damn you girl for doing this to me! God, a simple little phone call would’ve been nice. Just a quick little explanation would’ve been better than to be completely ignored. I don’t know, perhaps she felt it was best for both of us.

Although hungry as expected, the diet’s going well so far. I feel I’ve already lost a pound or two. I may actually be able to lose more like 5-10 pounds a week on this diet, and at first I worried that’d cause the cheeks to want to test me more than just one more time, but I’m not going to stop or slow down my dieting for the freeloaders. They’ve had enough control over my body as it is. I also have a voice that can say “no” to any more testing and be the one to call the shots, for once, as far as what I do. One more test. Period. He can have all the non-observed tests he wants, he can even have me strip-searched, but just one more test with eyes upon me.

Anyway, after I’ve been up for 5 hours is when I have my popcorn, and once I’ve been up for 10, I have my meal. At least I have that to look forward to. That’s the one time I get to eat till I’m full, though I’ll be so hungry by then that I don’t know if that meal will exactly fill me up.

We took pre-diet pictures of each other and although mine came out dark, it serves its purpose. I am one big girl! It’s ok, though, it’s all going away. All this fat shall be melted away. I’m totally determined this time around. Perhaps they are right when they say you can’t lose weight for others and that if you try, you’ll most certainly fail. I failed to lose weight for Teddy Bear when I thought she was a person of her word and that I’d surely be seeing her, but this time around will be different. I’ll make sure of it.

The only one I’m skeptical about is Tom. He, like most guys, doesn’t do a very good job at sticking to diets. He only lost a substantial amount of weight once since I knew him. That was back around the mid-90s and he packed the weight right back on. It seems it’s harder for him to stick to exercise than dieting, and exercise is the key to keeping the lost weight off.

We’re hoping to hit the hardware store and get the bike tomorrow.

If I don’t see a link real soon telling me that Chris is on her way, I’m going to be worried. Especially now that the holidays are over. If we don’t, Tom will go to their site and read more about what they say about shipping time. We know UPS takes 3-4 days, but they might not ship the doll out for 4-6 weeks. Hopefully, we’ll find something out soon. It’d really suck if they did send her and UPS misdelivered her. I’ve never known them to be like that, though. That’s why we made it a point to order from those who use UPS and not the post office.

So when I’m between 100-110, I’m skinny, between 110-120, I’m so-so, I’m chunky in the 120s, and fat once I hit 130.

I wonder what’s going on with Webshots. They still haven’t updated the daily pic section.

Tom still insists he wants to get it on, but hasn’t initiated sex only because of my lack of interest, and I still don’t know what to think. I guess I mostly think he’s as uninterested as I am, just by his actions, but what if he’s telling the truth? Then I’d feel guilty. But what would I do about it? Should I lie and say I suddenly want to get it on?

But I don’t. It was Teddy Bear I wanted sex with, but since that will never be, I’m just not interested in doing it with anyone at all. At least not now I’m not. Maybe things will change in time, though I don’t know when. I have a feeling that since I’ve settled into this mode for the last two years, I’m going to stay this way for a very long time, but anything beats being horny all the time and wanting a kid. It was hell on me, totally depressing, to constantly want sex with someone with such a low appetite, and to want a kid I couldn’t have. Besides, sex for the most part with Tom was boring. It was ok in the beginning when it was new, save for the fact that he rarely came, but then in time, with or without his cumming, it just got old. As I said before, the same thing would’ve eventually happened with Teddy Bear.

Later…

Well, now I know what they were working on in back. Yes, that horse is theirs, and they did put up a little corral of some type. Naturally, it had to be in front and towards the side of their house that’s closest to ours. Time will tell if this horse thing is a good thing or not. I wonder if it’ll smell more, but perhaps not with just one horse that’s 400 and something feet away. I guess besides making Maricopa a little smellier, the only real harm it could do would bring more outside activity. Activity that could get close to the house. If the worst they could do, though, is take away a little more of our privacy by riding by the house, then I’ll take it cuz there’s worse shit they could do. They don’t play music that can be heard inside the house and that’s the main thing right there. I’d rather them trash our land, stink the air up, and be outside screaming and barking non-stop than hear shit, particularly the thump of bass or drums, in this house. This might be a good sign. They have been quiet and I’ve always said that it’s the quiet people who move too soon. Well, you wouldn’t normally go out and get a horse, then up and move. I’d say they’ll be here for at least 5 years.

I’m just surprised George would allow it, although if you allow section 8, you’ll pretty much allow anything. Maybe he sold the land and a new owner took over. After all, I haven’t seen his truck in a while.

There’s still house number 4 to be brought in, though, and who’s to say what’ll end up living in that? At least the one closest to us has turned out to be ok. It’s a bitch, but all we have to do is move as soon as God sics us with problem neighbors again. I’m not about to stick around and take the same old shit all over again, believe me! At least they can’t torture us from closer than about 400’!

Well, I guess I’ll go play phone with the doctor’s office and try to set up an ear-cleaning appointment.