And so it was 10 years ago that I got hired as a dancer, and 3 years ago that the freeloaders came back into our lives in a whole different way that’d be a million times worse than when we all lived together.

Tom’s still working on the truck. In fact, he’s doing that right now. After 3 years, we finally got the doors fixed. I wish Tom had thought of this clever idea sooner, though he shouldn’t have had to. The Mexicans should’ve done the job right back in the factory in the first place, which was what we paid for. They look great, nonetheless. No leaks, no gaps. One less thing to have to worry about and to have to do.

To my utter shock and dismay, again I woke up at 130 and I’m still stuck, too. I get stuck every time I try to diet. Especially in the last year or two. It’s like something up there doesn’t want me to lose weight, and if it is an outer source controlling me, then that’s really scary. It’s really scary to think that something I can’t see or touch or control could have so much power over me. I’m hoping it’s just a case of my system simply needing time to adjust to the extreme cut in food intake, but I don’t know. I just have one of my bad feelings. If I’m right, the question is, why? Why would something not want me to lose weight? Just to punish me and piss me off? Why is it so important to whatever’s up there that I remain big? There are much worse things in life than not being able to lose weight, something I didn’t use to have so much trouble doing, but I’m not ready to give up just yet. I’m going to add laxatives to my diet as well as a daily Slim-Fast meal bar to keep me from feeling sluggish. It’d bring my calorie intake up to about 1100, plus whatever I have in gum and coffee, but it may help regulate me. I just don’t want to be doing all this hard work and going through all this hunger for nothing! I’ve got to start shitting out what I eat or else it really will be all for nothing. If this plan doesn’t work, then I’ll have to decide whether or not to let fate have its way with me yet again and not worry if I end up at 200 pounds, or do I want to maintain the 130? I highly doubt anything’s wrong with my thyroid as it was checked not too long ago. Besides, if there was, God wouldn’t let the doctors find out if he really is doing something to keep the weight on me besides plugging up my system.

I was out gathering trash earlier. Things like empty boxes and packages of car-related stuff. I didn’t want it to blow around in the wind cuz our shit wouldn’t end up on someone else’s land for them to have to deal with. Our stuff would stay right here on our land.

Still no cheeks, though tomorrow’s quite possible since he’s come a few times the day before I was to see him. If he doesn’t come by March or April, then I’ll start to believe he’ll never be back, but I think he will be. I’d be quite shocked if he never showed up again, but not as shocked as I would be if I were never tested again. I just hope he gets the damn test done and over with on Wednesday so I don’t have to deal with the anxiety of it hanging over my head, but I don’t know. God’s never dealt me any breaks yet when it comes to this shit, except for the work/class issue, so why should he start now? Oh, the hell I go through for these freeloaders!

I still have the feeling, and oh, how I hope I’m right, that once we get to somewhere in March, I’ll feel a lot less anxiety. Like I’ll finally be able to see the shimmer of light at the end of this very, excruciatingly long tunnel. Words can never describe the hell I’ve gone through for these freeloaders. Where my parents definitely have first place in causing me pain and suffering be it directly or not, the freeloaders definitely have the runner-up spot, and I’m sure they always will. Upon going out on my own, I never would’ve believed it if I had been told that such stress, anger, depression, anxiety, frustration, lack of freedom, and loss of money could be caused by neighbors. Family, ex-lovers, old friends, yes, but I never would’ve guessed I’d be made to suffer so severely by neighbors. And those things I mentioned above are just the major things. That doesn’t cover the little things like the cold showers, the inhumane food, the cellies that were crazy, loud, rude and obnoxious, the being controlled and treated like a child, etc.

Four adults (two women, two men) were out playing horsy for much of the afternoon, In fact, one guy got thrown as the horse went down. I guess it didn’t like the idea of being ridden. I had wondered why I hadn’t seen them riding the thing up and down Meadow Green and Ralston. Whoever was on the horse when it went down was lucky they weren’t hurt.

Anyway, one of the women took the horse in back and while on the ground, she steered it round and round in circles by its reins. I don’t know what the point of that was, but anyway, the horse is cool to look out the window and see, when you consider what my view on Oswego St. was, but it’s stealing more of our privacy. They’re always, always home and outside. I don’t know how all those people can afford to be home all the time, but I hope they’ll at least be indoors more often when it gets hot like they were last summer. It’s just that when it’s hot, I won’t have the blinds open in the kitchen which faces west, so it wouldn’t matter if they were or not. Now’s when I can comfortably have it open, let more light in, and enjoy the view of the mountains, but now is also when they’re out and about to spoil my view of nature. At least they’re white and quiet.

Tom said Mary will probably be unhappy about the pictures I played with and sent. Oh, poor, poor thing. She can dish it, but she can’t take it, huh? That’d be typical of her, but I don’t know. With the way she loves posing for the camera, she still might get quite a kick out of it. Tom’s so sure, though, that now she won’t call him to make extra money by working on her house when she needs it, but that’d make no sense. Why not call him just cuz she may be mad at me? She never liked me anyway. This is nothing new. Ignoring Tom cuz of me would be like me not talking to my friend Mary simply because Paula said something I didn’t like. What’s one got to do with the other?

Anyway, if she really was offended by the pictures, maybe she’ll finally learn from this. Maybe she’ll realize that as long as she’s willing to embarrass others and put them on the spot by constantly taking their pictures, others are likely to do the same to her. If she can make Christmas tree ornaments out of other people’s pictures, why can’t we superimpose pictures of her?