The anxiety over this Casa Grande shit’s starting to settle in. Is God ever going to find it in his cold merciless heart to set me free of these freeloaders and not replace them with a new long-term problem?

I tell myself all I have to do is sit down on a toilet and pee in a cup, but that’s not all I have to do. I have to do it with eyes boring into me for reasons I shouldn’t have to. What the fuck do letters and journals have to do with drugs and alcohol? I’m sick of the general mistrust of us so-called criminals and all the automatic assumptions. They assume I very well could be a druggie cuz I supposedly wrote a threatening letter, and they don’t trust me to give them my own piss so they have someone watch me. It isn’t just about punishment, power, control and money, but the lack of trust and personal security of those within the system. When they lock someone in a cell, they’re saying, “We don’t trust you.” When they feel the need to carry mace and stun guns, they’re saying, “We don’t trust you.” When they feel the need to show up at your house unannounced, they’re saying, “We don’t trust you.” Well, this is all the more reason I don’t trust them! It’s hard to love someone who doesn’t love you, it’s hard not to dislike someone who dislikes you, and it’s hard to trust people that don’t trust you, and I sure as shit can’t trust anyone within this demented system! Attitudes and emotions really are as contagious as they say. That’s why a lot of people can’t stand to hang with those who are depressed as it brings them down, too.

Tom listened patiently as I bitched about it and for that, I am truly grateful. The poor guy’s had to put up with so much himself on account of these sickos.

I’m 37 years old and my 30s have been nothing but freeloaders! They’ll forever be the highlights of my 30s just like loneliness, depression, hopelessness, and struggling to make ends meet were the highlights of my 20s.

Tom thinks it’s possible that the cheeks will never be here again and that he won’t test me because he doesn’t think it’s necessary, but I doubt it. Especially the testing part of it and especially if he doesn’t have any say in the matter. It’s just that the tests cost them money, Tom pointed out, but with all the money this state takes people for, they can well afford it. Controlling me would be worth the few bucks it’d cost them. Besides, I could never cost them a microscopic fraction of what the freeloaders have cost us, trust me.

The diet, which started off well, isn’t going too well anymore. Not that I haven’t stuck to it, cuz I have. I woke up down 2 pounds after the first day, down another pound after the second day, then nothing at all today and yesterday. I’ve been stuck for a day and a half so I hope that’s all it is. I’d hate to end up working so hard for so little. Stuck or not, and that is a common problem with dieting, no one should have 1000 calories or less in 3 days and still weigh the same, so if I wake up at 130 again tomorrow, I’m going to be a bit worried and a lot discouraged.

In other news, my hair’s an inch shy of the middle of my ass when pulled straight. I still wish I had thin straight hair for the most part. Instead of damaging it with the straightening iron, I let it get to where it’s nearly dry after washing it, then I gather it into one or two ponytails and put elastics down the ponytails a couple of inches apart. It dries up straighter that way.

Tom said he’s 95% done with the truck and that he’s still confident we’ll have an AC running in it before it gets hot. I hope so! There’s still always the chance, though, that he runs into other problems as he puts the engine back together.