Woke up again at 126½. Looks like I’m going to be stuck today too, so I’ll probably take a water pill. I’m close enough to my period to do so anyway. It’s just that the shit makes me a little drowsy.

Tomorrow I’ll be pigging out on Chinese so I may end up putting back most of what I lost. That’s how easily set back I can be.

Thanks to the freeloaders, Tom had to go to work last night. He got in a short while ago and crashed. He’s got to be back at work earlier today. Like at 4 PM. Then he’ll sleep from about 2 AM – 8 AM, then we’ll leave for Casa Grande at 9:00.

I just hope things will be okay from here on out, but again, 9 months seems a bit long for something not to come up. Wouldn’t it just be oh so wonderful, though, if I could know that from here on out my only burden was to make sure I was on schedule for reporting every other week and that was it? Well, I don’t know if it’ll be that simple from here on out, but at least I don’t have to report at a set time as that would only make it much harder and more stressful. To think that I might only have to see Scot’s face just 18 more times after tomorrow is just wonderful! Nothing against Scot. It’s just that he’s connected to the freeloaders, so naturally, he makes me think of them. Anytime I see or think of Scot, I remember the freeloaders. They go hand in hand just like with the K and even Teddy Bear. Thinking of and remembering the freeloaders is something I do well enough on my own without any connection reminders for help.

The freeloaders also put a hold on Mary’s mail which I almost dread getting. It’s like, how many favors you got for me this time around?

At least the freeloaders gave me a day off from the cheeks. Then again, it’s hardly a “day off” when you don’t expect him in the first place. If he doesn’t come by March, then I’ll start to seriously think that the home visits were truly over as of last August. If only I’d know it, if that’s really the case, as that would’ve eased a lot of the stress. On the other hand, like God would do anything to help ease my freeloader-related stress? Yeah, right!

Tom said he was working on dealing with the bank, cuz he suspects they’ve been ripping us off by having us pay more per month than we’re supposed to.

Why must everyone use us at will and rip us off? Huh? Why do people love to take advantage of us so damn much? Are we that easy? Do we look like these vulnerable, gullible suckers or something or does this happen to everybody? I don’t know about that. I mean, it really seems like we’re the extremes in this case.

The Dead Zone’s gotten to be rather boring and predictable. And of course, what’s a series after 1990 without childbirth in it? It’s just so old! Besides, I may not have wanted a kid for about 5 years now, but still, I don’t need to see this shit and risk rekindling old desires. Wanting a kid you can’t have is the ultimate torture, the worst thing God can do to a woman. He may have a lot of people fooled as to what he really stands for, but I see right through him. I don’t care how crazy it sounds; I know he’s a mean and vengeful God. I don’t see him punishing me with that all over again once the freeloaders are out of my life, but how convenient that’d be since there’d be no one too close to sic on me. It’s a scary thought too, and as the end of this 7-year nightmare gets closer, the more I wonder – what’ll it be next? What will he whip my ass with next, other people, financial problems, health problems, or will I fall into a deep depression of some kind for reasons I can’t even begin to imagine at this time?

Actually, for me the absolute worst thing he could do, if he ever decided to hate me that much, and luckily I don’t think he does, would be to have Tom killed, be it in a car wreck, an illness, etc. If he really knows all, though, then he would know that killing him meant killing me as I’d be right up to join my husband in a heartbeat!

Oh, I have more shitty news to add to the list too, and that’s that they’re no longer going to make stock options available to employees at the bank. That really sucks big time. Next January, we might be able to make one last sell-out, but that will be it.

Lisa turned 20 yesterday. I couldn’t care less about everyone else, but I’ll always wonder about Lisa. At this point, she’s still probably quite naïve, with still many years ahead of misery, loneliness and cigarettes. I wonder, though, did she get out of the house? And if so, how did she get out, where did she go and what’s she doing?

Guess I’ll go proofread now. I’m less than a month away from quitting smoking and I don’t even know it. Not a clue! About two more years to go too, before the freeloaders switch from being a visual/audio part of my life to a financial/steal-my-freedom part of my life.

Later…

Oh, that damn laser jet! It’s all well and good and all that, but I get so many paper jams. Particularly when doing flipsides of pages. It makes me wonder if when printing journals I should print on only one side of the paper, do the flipside with the inkjet, or quit printing journals altogether.

I just had an idea. I’ll go and print ’03 at the end of the year on one side of the paper, then I’ll flip the pages upside down and over and do ’04 on that side. During the year, the paper will have time to settle out flat.