I am so, so pissed right now. I’ve been stuck since Friday and no, I’m not stuck at 129, I’m up a pound! It’s totally obvious that something up there does not want me losing weight.

But why??? There is no logical reason why dieting like this should plug me up. Nothing’s changed but my calorie intake. I’m still eating the same things, just less of them.

How I wish I could make myself throw up! If it won’t come out the end it’s supposed to, I wish I could make it come out the other end, but throwing up has always disgusted me so much that I could never do it. I’ve tried numerous times, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Losing 3 pounds in 12 days isn’t much at all, and I know losing weight slowly may be better than not at all, but I don’t know about that. Especially if that means having to do this damn diet for 3-4 months. Perhaps it’s time to tell myself that there are worse things in life than being fat. You’re working so hard for so little. If something up there wants you to keep the weight then it must be for a reason. Which would you prefer; being fat or being back in jail? You want the freeloaders back living with you? You want to be paralyzed instead? Blind? You tried your best, now just drop it and move on.

But still, it bothers me. It really bothers me that I have no control over my life or my body. No, we do not control our own destinies. Not for the most part, anyway. We really are puppets in a script written by God in which we’re forced to act out, like it or not.

This reinforces my fear that if it won’t let me lose weight, how’s it going to let me do dolls?

Anyway, I’ll probably hang up the dieting. I thought I’d be ok if I’d just play catch up regularly enough, and only be slowed down a little bit, but that’s obviously not going to be the case. So there’s no sense in sticking to the diet as well as I have been, for next to nothing in return. I’ll just use the bike and Bowflex for strength and stamina, keep the fat and just work with what I’ve got.

Last night I happened to catch the doll show on the HSC and saw a wonderful $110 doll named Mandy in quite a unique pose. She kneels on one knee with her arms sort of wrapped around her other leg. She’s almost all porcelain. All of her arms are porcelain, anyway, and she wears a print sundress that’s tied at her shoulders. I thought she was Indian, but they have her down as black. I don’t care, though. I like the doll. As posed she’s 22”, but would stand up to 34” if she could stand. I hope to get this doll as soon as we have the money, but I won’t count on it. If I do, I do, if I don’t, I don’t. No doll collector gets every doll they want, and if I miss out on her, I’ll get the other dolls I’ve been wanting that I know will be around for a while. Still, I’m going to try and will put the other dolls on hold to get her first if I have to.

Anyway, I’m taking the time to work on my neglected proofreading project until more work from Mary comes in.

Later…

Maybe the best cure for being stuck is to simply bitch about it in this journal, cuz I just went. When I first felt it coming on, I was like, No, it’s simply wishful thinking, a tease.

The question now is whether or not to continue with the diet and just lose weight the slow way.

I noticed earlier that I’m smaller in the upper abs and at the sides where my ribs are. It would take a massive amount of weight loss to deflate this face, though, and pick up this neck.