The AC has been sounding a bit funny, but we’re keeping our fingers crossed that it’ll hold up for just 24-26 more days. It’s just that we are due for something big to break, so I’m a little nervous about it. If worse came to worst we would either just suffer or throw our old window AC in. We’re certainly not going to spend $300 for less than a month.

We’re not having any luck yet with finding an RV. All the good ones go before we even get the chance to call about them. Either way, living in the damn thing for a year or more is going to be a real bitch. See, this is where I get mad at God and feel he most certainly is out to get us. His letting this happen to us can’t be anything more than a punishment. I’m just sick of starting over. Every time we build ourselves up, people or circumstances kick us down. I’m just so tired of people turning our lives upside down at will. As I’ve asked a million times, how do people come to have such power over us? If they get pissed at one of us, it’s so, so damn easy for them to take away our house, ruin our credit, and basically just turn our lives upside down out of spite. Meanwhile, we could never be that vindictive even if we wanted to be. I don’t think people even realize just how much they’ve affected our lives and put us out. I don’t think anyone could know without being in our shoes. They just go off the deep end in a fit of rage over some bullshit, or lose it over God knows what, and in the heat of the moment, without having a care or a clue as to what havoc their actions are causing, they change life as we knew it. It’s like with the freeloaders. They just wanted to get the Jewish bitch that had the nerve to complain about their antics. Never once did they care to stop and consider what I’d have to go through on account of their vengefulness. Never did they consider what I’d have to go through in jail, nor did they consider the thousands of dollars they caused us to lose. Never once did they consider the stress, the anxiety, the anger, the depression. Never. Same with this cock that fired him. All the warped religious junkie could think of was how terrible it was of Tom to feel there was a time and place for everything and that work wasn’t an appropriate place for crap like that. That’s what churches are for. Meanwhile, did he think of the consequences of his actions? No, of course not. And all the while, God let this happen. And why? How can it be part of the “plan?” A good plan, that is? Is the shit we’ve gone through really going to be made up to us with good things in the end? And if so, how many years will it take for compensation to take effect? You would think that someone who’s home 95% of the time couldn’t possibly have such an adventurous life, but I’m living proof that that’s just not so! If I don’t go to trouble, it comes home here to me. It’s like something wants there to always be action going on in our lives yet I’d rather be bored out of my mind if this is the type of action we have to deal with. And what happens when we’ve dealt with this long-term problem? Will he just send us another long-term one? Of course he will. As soon as one comes to an end, we just go right into another one. It’s like, why lose weight even if I could? I’d only be exchanging it for a new problem. We never even get one lousy year off from shit hitting the fan. Things always have to break, people always have to fuck us over. As it is I’ll be worrying that the freeloaders will follow us there too, and pop back into our lives yet again in a matter of months. Not as much as I’d worry if we were sticking around here, so there’s at least something good to us moving on. Besides, we really do want trees and I’m sick of the unexplained foul odors that seem to suddenly occur out of thin air and for no apparent reason that we can find. I was in the master bath and it was fine. A few minutes later I went back in there and it reeked of burnt rubber. Even Tom could smell it, though he said he wouldn’t exactly describe it as burnt rubber. Evil lives here. That’s all I know.

Who knows? My getting off probation early may’ve saved me from any more freeloader shit. I always had the feeling that right before the probation was originally set to end they’d pull some last-minute stunt to keep things going. Yet with me getting off early, they wouldn’t have had time to do that because they wouldn’t have known it was going to happen until it did. I’m sure they knew it was possible, but just like me, they were probably so sure it wouldn’t happen. I worried that the surprise of my early freedom would get them after me, but so far so good. Less than a month and I’m home free for sure.

I know not everyone would agree with my way of thinking, but hopefully the move won’t be so rough in the midst of all the excitement simply because we’re forced to go, making me hope that that means it’s meant to be. I know nothing made us choose Oregon or the particular piece of land we chose, but still, unlike from the Phoenix house, we’re literally being forced out of here. In Phoenix, we more like ran. And all the while I knew I was going against God’s wishes by moving. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know if it was because he wanted me to stay and put up with their shit or what, but I knew he was angry at us for moving and that we would be punished for it. And so we have, if only in much, much more extreme ways than I ever thought we would be. So, if we’re being forced out of here by either a God or an evil spirit that never wanted us here, then wouldn’t that mean that the move to Oregon was meant to be and that in return things would be better for us there? I know that technically we were even meant to be here since we obviously managed to move here, but would it be acceptable to God is what I wonder, unlike the move here? He totally disapproved of the move here. I just didn’t know why, and perhaps I never will, if it was because he wanted us to stay in Phoenix, or to at least not come here.

Anyway, Tom checked out an RV in Glendale yesterday, but it sucked. Had a broken AC, too.

Then he stopped to see Mom, Dave and Miss Perfect. I’ve been right so far; no money to help us. Not even her famous $20 for gas. He thought they’d help us, but I don’t think they will other than to buy his old turntable. I think that because they’ve helped us a couple of times since we’ve been here and because they don’t like me (though they would never tell us that to our faces), they’re not going to give us anything.

Tom said he was surprised to find they’ve been dumping stuff like crazy. These are people who just like him, never get rid of anything. Tom thinks they simply realized that if they didn’t do something, they’d eventually be buried in junk. I wondered for a minute there if they were prepping to move, but I don’t think so and he agrees. They’d have mentioned it, for one, and they also could’ve moved a long time ago. If they wanted to move, they’d have done so by now. I think they’ll be there all their lives.

Yesterday a couple of women came to take pictures of the house. They only shot the outside because the inside’s cluttered. They said they’d call when they wanted to shoot the inside so we could have time to straighten up first.

Because of all the shit that’s been going on, we indulged in some gambling. We couldn’t afford it, but we really needed the break, even if it was only $40. What sucked was that I didn’t expect the gift shop to open before we left and for me to spot a beautiful $30 figurine there because if I’d known it was to open so early, I’d have gotten it with the $30 or $40 I won, but instead I gambled it back. It was still fun, though. They added an extra room and now have these penny machines. You can definitely play longer on those. We were there for a couple of hours. We played quarter and dollar machines too, but mostly the pennies.

Got a letter from Mary saying to say hi to Tom and that she was glad to hear I was in better spirits. She says she’s doing great. I honestly don’t know how that girl does it. I could never have survived jail for as long as she has. I think that by now I’d have killed either myself or someone else. No, I don’t think that. I know that! One can only take so many threats before they snap. When Tiffy and I got annoyed with each other and I thought she was going to threaten me, I was coiled like a snake ready to strike, but fortunately for both of us, she didn’t. The next person, though, there’ll be no holding back as I couldn’t possibly take one more threat. I guess we all have our breaking points. Threats or no threats, I still don’t see how I could’ve survived jail as long as she has.

Anyway, she sent chapter 3. How many chapters are there, I wonder?

This part about gluttony and smoking had me a bit confused. It seemed disheartening to be told we shouldn’t judge overweight people or smokers, then read that the bible says it deserves the death penalty, not that I particularly believe the bible. Nonetheless, if anyone thinks that’s what I deserve for being 30 pounds overweight, then oh well.

The part I disagreed with the most is where they said not to judge or criticize others so we won’t be judged or criticized. I didn’t know that sick twist of a judge I faced in court to ever have had the chance to judge/criticize him, yet he judged and criticized me just fine.

I was also a bit worried when I read the part that says (and I could be misinterpreting this) that it is God who does the work in us, and it makes sense that the more we trust in him and the less we depend on ourselves, the more he is able to do. It disturbs me because while I don’t want control or power over other people’s lives, I at least want free will over mine. I want to be the one in the driver’s seat of my own life for once. I don’t want God or others turning me into a slave and making me feel like I’m some kind of robot or puppet with no mind of her own.

All in all, I’m no Christian, Jew, Catholic or any other religion, though it was nice of her to care enough to send me the stuff.

I’m finishing up the last few pages of my story. I really didn’t think I’d finish it before July or August, but it got to the point where I couldn’t come up with anything else to add to it. I guess you just get to the point where there’s nothing more to say, you know? It’s definitely very strange and very different.