I reported the scammers to OLS just hours before receiving the second worthless check and was surprised when Brent, the site’s founder, replied. He said he was sorry for my experience, but then he went on to make like he didn’t believe me, asking why I would try to cash the check if I thought it was bad, why the bank wouldn’t do anything about it, saying it made no sense for them to send bogus checks if they didn’t want to give me my prize, etc. I explained it to him as best I could, but then I got frustrated, knowing I wasn’t obligated to explain myself to him. All I wanted to do was alert them to the fact that these people don’t deliver prizes in some cases. I’m sure if I’d been anyone else the check would’ve been perfectly cashable. Except for a few odds and ends sold on eBay or swap meets, you know I’m not allowed to make money. I was so frustrated with all the headaches these damn sweeps have been bringing that I didn’t even sweep yesterday. Even Tom agrees that while he’s excited to get away, we should’ve bumped it up a year. I don’t know about that, though. If we’re broke at this time next year, then we wouldn’t have the thousands of dollars this so-called “win” has cost us. I really hope it turns out to be loads of fun to make up for all the hassles we’ve gone through so far, though I’m sick of always having to be punished for pleasure. I really am.

We went down to Safeway earlier, but Liz wasn’t there. Of course she wasn’t. I straightened my hair and did a damn good job, too. Especially with this new shampoo I started using that de-frizzes and smoothes your hair. I would’ve liked to show it off to her and say, “See, I straightened my hair just like yours.”

It’s hard to believe that at this time next week, we’ll be up in the air flying away! Away from this freezer! All the train and plane time is something I’m certainly not looking forward to. I look forward to taking off and landing 4 times, but spending hour upon hour on the plane will get old. In fact, I’m not going to write much between now and then so I’ll have more to write about while I’m sitting on my ass for so long.

As figured, this check wouldn’t scan either and they couldn’t type the information in manually. Even the check cashing place we took it to wouldn’t cash it because BOA has a fucked up policy where they don’t verify funds. They suggested we open an account, yet I was never more grateful that we couldn’t open one because then we’d have to pay for this bogus check in the end. I keep insisting to Tom that these people are scammers, the money doesn’t exist and neither does the account, yet he still wants to fight this losing battle. Well, I’m done with it and I told him so! I’m not going to allow myself to be teased anymore just so these sickos can get off on sending checks they know are no good. Just the fact that they refuse to deposit the money onto our card tells me how full of shit they are, yet Tom doesn’t get it. He still wants to fight this battle we were never destined to win and risk God punishing us just for trying. I wonder if the dream I had was a warning. I had this dream where Tom and I were falling, though in dreams you get to wake up before you hit the ground.

If they were for real, they’d have deposited the money onto the card. Meanwhile, I went and pulled all the cash sweeps from my list. There are just too many scams going on, and even the bank and check cashing place have said so. They won’t even cash cashier’s checks in large amounts because there are so many fraudulent ones out there. Well, I don’t want to get caught up in any scams and be the one to go down for it! That’s just the kind of shit luck I’d have, too.

I can’t believe these people would pay $20 a pop just to have a good laugh. Yet there are plenty of people out there perfectly willing to spite themselves just to spite others. $20 just to be able to say to themselves, “Ha, ha! She thinks she’s getting $2500, but she ain’t getting shit!”

The canal dog’s back to its usual shit, though still nothing from in front.

Kim has a new twist lately and that’s that she’s been coming in with music blasting. It doesn’t surprise me. Neighbors always get noisier with time. I’ve only heard it a few times, though, and as long as it doesn’t get any louder, it’ll be okay. It sure beats all the company she was having a while back.

Liz wasn’t at Safeway earlier, but Lloyd, the manager, was my book consultant and he didn’t even know it. Although the store faces Pine St., it’s actually on N. 8th St. which confirms what it said online. I asked him and he paged someone to verify this for me. I like to have as much realism as I can in my stories, even though the stories themselves are fictitious. I also like to keep my options open. Meaning, if I decide to drop Liz a line after we move and tell her the things I wouldn’t tell her in person, I’ll at least know where to send it. I wouldn’t tell her in person with or without Tom in the picture because it just wouldn’t be an appropriate place or time to do so, not that there’d be enough time in the first place. Of course, I don’t know if she’d think a letter was any more appropriate or what purpose it’d serve, since she may be a bigot for all I know, and since we’ll never even be just friends either way, but I still like to speak my mind. Writing is what I do. I like surprising people, and well, it’s just that eccentric side of me. The thought of writing her amuses me. Part of being unique is being yourself and like I said before, no sickos like down in Phoenix will ever stop me from the right to express myself, especially when it’s not like I’m writing anything I shouldn’t be writing. I’m not even sure I’ll do this. We’ll see when we move.

The weather’s been miserable. Very cold and windy and we got more snow, too. Yesterday it rained all day and pretty hard at times too, for Oregon standards. The good thing is that I’ve heard only one bark from the canal dog in the last few days and nothing in front. I think they went away for the holidays. I hope they get killed coming back if they did!

In shocking news, I did get another check from the sweep people, though if this one’s any more cashable than the last, we won’t know until tomorrow. Today we had to get his bonus check cashed so we could pay the rent. The check is definitely darker and looks more like it was printed with the toner it’s supposed to be printed with and not a photocopy. If the bank won’t cash it, we’ll try a check-cashing place. We’d lose a good chunk of it, but to get something from these people after being teased and jerked around for so long would be better than nothing at all.

Saw Liz today. She first spotted me walking by when she wasn’t checking anyone out and smiled at me. I smiled back. Then I ran back up to ask her if they carried this fruit tea I won a coupon for. Of course they didn’t. Then we checked out through her. I told her, “Five more months and we’re out of this freezer!” I then asked if she’d been here all her life. She said no, but didn’t say where she was from like I was hoping she would to give my book an even bigger touch of realism. She had mascara on this time, but was still as pale as my Ashley mannequin and a touch chubby at least in some areas, suggesting once again that she may’ve either lost a large amount of weight or is in the process of gaining. Again I wondered if she could be pregnant, but I can’t believe a pregnant person would work on their feet all day.

Poor Tom went all the way to the Laundromat for no reason. Usually, they’re open on holidays, so who knows why it was closed today? He’ll have to do the laundry tomorrow after work. At least he got a good workout.

We’re in the midst of a very quiet Christmas. I only heard one loud stereo go by. No dogs today or yesterday. They must’ve taken off with them somewhere. Every minute I don’t have to hear from them is heaven to me! I like to sweep to music, but I like to write to silence, so as soon as they do start up, I’ll turn the sound machine on.

As I told Tom, I decided I wouldn’t be able to resist sending Doe and Art a postcard just so they can stew over my being right under their noses. I was thinking about the radio interview and said to myself, you know they won’t hear it or hear about it from someone they know. Now if it were about me getting into some kind of trouble, then of course they’d hear it. So I thought I’d write something like:

Hi folks,

Being right next door to you after winning a blues festival cruise (I just keep winning) I couldn’t resist saying hello. As the grand prize winner, we’re sailing Holland America’s Westerdam from Ft. Lauderdale to the Bahamas, Puerto Rico and Grand Turk. Gotta do a radio interview upon returning on the 14th, don’t know what station. I’m no Blues fan, but we’ll have tons of fun! Been happy, healthy & wealthy. Leaving Oregon for California this summer!

Went to the store Friday afternoon. I was tired and it was crowded, but we had fun. We got the $50 iSwag check cashed, amazingly enough, and had lunch at King Wah. I had their pork fried rice, which was as awesome as always.

We then went to K-mart, knowing it’d be less crowded than Fred’s and certainly Walmart. I got new socks and undies and a pair of jeans, too. At size 16 you know you’re a big one! They’re a little higher cut and baggier than I’d like and they make me look bigger, but for variety’s sake, they’re fine. Not as comfy as sweats, which I prefer most, but a nice change when I want one.

I also got 4 Barbies! Two were on sale and the other two were a buy-one-get-one-free deal.

I got 5 imposter body sprays and some makeup remover.

He got socks, two pairs of jeans and a pair of shorts. Men’s shorts go to the knees now, which I think looks a little goofy, but at least he now has a decent pair of shorts.

Today he bought our tickets for $650 at Delta’s site. The plane leaves at 6:30 AM Saturday, so we’ll probably rent a car one-way to Portland and drive overnight, fly out, get a motel in Florida, then hit the cruise the next day. When the ship returns, we’ll get a motel in Florida, then plane and train our way back the next day.

Next door still appears to be in the process of moving out.

I’m wondering if Kim’s either out of work again or on vacation. She hasn’t been out all night and people are starting to pick her up again.

Yesterday was pretty quiet because it started off snowy, then turned to rain. The rain washed away most of the snow, so when we go out later on, it’ll be cold, but not snowy as well. At least I won’t have to deal with the double whammy.

Just before 3 AM, however, I had to hear from the dog in front for a few minutes before the rude assholes would let it in. Now that’s your typical westerner who won’t stand at the door and wait for their damn dog in the middle of the night!

Next door’s bench swing is still on the front porch. I can’t believe they’d leave that, though Tom is pretty sure they moved.

My gel kits didn’t come till after 9:30 last night, even though the driver put it down as being delivered at 7:30.

I don’t know what I’m looking forward to most, going on the cruise, going shopping when we return (Tom got a $400 bonus!) or getting the hell out of this state in June!

Right now I’m caught up on sweeping and I have no movies to watch, so I think I’ll go tackle my story some more.

Just 18 more days till the cruise! Then, as Tom said, we can make plans. Yeah, we’ll make plans and then we’ll see where we really end up. Whatever it is we do plan, God will be standing by to see to it that just the opposite happens. If he could talk to us he’d no doubt say, “Oh, so that’s your new plan? okay, I’ll find someone else to carry them out for you.” That’s the way it always seems; that there’s always someone else destined to live out our dreams and plans, but never us. It really makes planning a bitch when I know that there’ll be what we plan, then there’ll be what He plans, and He’ll always win. What we want doesn’t mean shit to Him.

In other news, besides the usual piddly wins, I hit an instant tonight, winning a $150 Sonicare IntelliClean System. It’s an electric toothbrush with all kinds of fancy sidekicks. Hope they send it to me.

I called the Stickman yesterday, who I thought would never let me off the phone, and he said he gets some of his incense from Idaho. When I asked if it was from Incense Galore, he said it was, and sure enough, he’s been waiting forever on the rest of my order cuz of them. I recommended SOS to him. Meanwhile, he was all apologetic and is sending 2 of the 5 scents he still owes me.

Although I’m very appreciative of what we do have and the things Tom and I have endured and survived, yesterday I was bawling my eyes out for 3 hours, missing our old house. I don’t know why. I guess EFO’s discouraging performance brought it on. I miss the house itself, but certainly not the shit that went with it or the state it was in. Tom never cared for that house and I wouldn’t want him to live anywhere he didn’t want to live, though he adapts much easier than I do and deals with having to roll with the punches better. He’s the stronger, less emotional one. I was remembering the things I liked about the house and how I used to wish we could start over and get right what they got wrong with it and what we got wrong with the furniture. I know this is just a dream, but I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be far-fucking-out if we could get that second chance only in California instead?! Talk about a double dream! Only this house would be fenced and surrounded by trees and things we planted that didn’t die because the land was not haunted. Nor did the sick freeloaders dominate us, along with the foul odor of death. Dogs wouldn’t be running around loose like crazy and when they were, they couldn’t get near the house, and this time there’d always be money left over for us when the bills were paid. The well wouldn’t be nearly 1000’ deep either.

I went through the house room by room, thinking of what I’d change and what I’d do the same unless we ever could afford anything better. Not having tape and texture would be ok cuz I wouldn’t have a lot of wall décor to hang anyway cuz of the dolls. Instead of using their wall designs in the baths and kitchen, I’d have them in the kitchen and utility only. I’d probably skip the mural, and of course I already have the curtains. I’d just need one more black-out drape and something to cover them with that’s not so dull. All the rooms except for the kitchen and baths would have ceiling lights/fans. The utility would have a 2-in-1 side loader where the washer and dryer are one unit. Tom could have the same bedroom and office if he wouldn’t mind. In the living room, we’d get a big plasma TV, couch, plush chair, coffee and end tables, though we’d only get one stool for the bar and we’d skip the loveseat because mannequins, doll shelves or fake palms would live in that area. In the kitchen, which wouldn’t have an ugly red paint line where they cut out the vent opening, the trim would be done properly and we wouldn’t need a water dispenser cuz we’d have a hot water spigot and we could get cold water from the fridge. We’d have a flat-top oven with a timer and window in its door. My office would have both my computers in it and I’d get a desk similar to my old one. The dining table would be smaller and just a two-seater. This area would have a window instead of a door. The doors wouldn’t have a ridiculous 3” gap under them. The rats would have their old corner back in the living room, and a variety of exercise equipment would go in the main part of that room. There’d be no flooring at all in front of the front door which would be an outward-swinging utility door this time around. The retreat would be just a storeroom for things like mannequin boxes and other items we didn’t want stored outdoors. I’d still like a 10” memory foam mattress with a headboard that had shelves extending to the sides, but a 10” foam mattress with the same headboard would do as well. I’d hope to put both a pool and a garage off the utility end. The outside would be peach with white trim while the big side of the house had pink sculpted carpet, the other lavender. In the end, I’d take a dumpy cookie-cutter version of the house in all the wrong colors over places like this and Phoenix! In reality, I’m afraid we’ll be rental-hopping in little old dumps all our lives with anything but 450’ between us and the neighbors. The least I can realistically hope for is to rent something in a retirement community. Dogs may still be a problem there, and kids may come screaming to granny every day, but they couldn’t live there, and car stereos, which are certainly the worst of the top 3 noise-makers, wouldn’t be a problem.

Just 20 days to go till the cruise. I can’t wait to get on with it! Can’t wait for next weekend, too. Despite the crowds, we’ll be going shopping, one of my favorite things to do!

As for things like God, future money struggles, neighbor problems and things like that, I’m trying not to think about it. I only get mad when I do, then I start thinking maybe I should end it all before I can give history a chance to repeat itself for the millionth time in a never-ending cycle that can’t be broken.

I’m still not sure what to make of the poster spirit if that’s what it really is. Yes, my weight’s been about the same, and yes, she does seem to help with sleep and hunger, but she’s still insisting we are going to get rich and this second check will be not only sent but cashable. I still don’t see how these things could happen, but I hope she’s right.

This is the first period I’ve had where cramps didn’t wake me up. I could’ve survived the whole period without taking anything, but my ear was acting up a bit so I took something for that. My ear still doesn’t bother me nearly as much as last winter, so I’m at least grateful for that, even though it would be nice to go just one week without something bothering me. This is part of why I totally dread growing old! If I’ve had so many problems as a young and middle-aged person, I’d hate to see how things will be when I’m old.

My eyes keep getting worse, too. I now sweep with glasses with or without natural light. Even these words are fuzzy, but as long as I don’t get too close to the monitor, they’re legible enough.

Even though it’s not as bad as the last one, Tom’s got one of his many colds. It’s weird that a smokeless person should get so many colds. He gets almost as many as I used to back east, like 3-4 a year. He’ll get sick when we return from the cruise, too. I know I’d always get sick when returning to New England from Florida. I think the second time I was there the cold started before I got back. Yeah, it was my 24th birthday.

We’re going to check out this thing that claims it’s free where you can store your computer files online. I always thought it would be a good thing to store things like pictures, music files and documents. If we ever did get ripped off, we could replace the computers themselves, but not my journals, stories, pictures, etc. Even some of the dolls could be replaced.

I got up late in the afternoon the last few days, and the last two days were quiet dog-wise. It was wonderful. I figured this was because it dropped back down into the 20s, but now it’s in the teens and yet the canal dog wouldn’t shut up for ages. Sometimes I wish someone would kill these damn dogs!

Later…

Now I’m wondering if next door really did move or not. There’s someone over there right now in the bathroom, and I can’t believe they’d be showing the place at this hour. Guess they’re just not all moved out yet and that this is the only time they could finish up. I thought I heard that annoying truck a couple of nights ago that’s as loud as a bus, but whatever it was, was parked by the front of the house.

We may have another mouse in here soon. I heard chewing under the tub area which has shit for insulation. As cold as it is out there, they’re gonna want to come indoors and there’s not much we can do to keep them out with this house being so open. Glad I’m not afraid of them!

We did get more snow, but most of it’s gone now.

And Tom did call the scammers. Their latest story is that they’re sending a replacement check, which we know is bullshit. We also know there’s no reason whatsoever that they couldn’t deposit the money directly onto the card. I know that this second check if there’s even one coming, is going to be just as bogus as the first. That’s okay, though, we’ve already agreed to sic fraud.org on them on the 26th, as well as some other things we have in mind.

It’s been too cold for me to want to go out much, but Tom saw Liz when he went out to the store. She was taking food from the deli to the break room when he entered the store, then setting up a register when he was checking out with someone else.

It’s weird how some people have no concept of time or weather. Despite the wind and rain, some cock’s working on something at the corner house across from next door. I see ladders set up and occasionally I hear hammering. There’s just never a day off in the city!

Tom says he wonders if First Choice is going out of business because he saw people moving from another one of their houses near where he works, pointing out that it seems odd that they’d move at the same time. That’s a scary concept. If First Choice gets rid of this house, that means there’s an excellent chance the yard will be dogged. There’s just no escaping the damn things in the west! I no longer want that house, either. Not if we’re moving between March and June, and not since the dogs would be twice as bad from over there. The canal dog and the one diagonally would be the same, but the corner dog where the cock is still rudely hammering, plus another canal dog that’s further down and blocked by that house, would be worse.

As I knew would be the case, they’ve blown us off completely since returning the check, so Tom’s going to make one last call to them tomorrow like the company that goes after them requires one to do, then we’ll contact the company. I’m still not walking away from $2500, and I meant it when I said I’d quit turning the other cheek when others screw me over. I can’t stop God from making sure they screw me over in the first place, but I can and I will fight back, win or lose.

Although I’m still both sad and mad over EFO and not looking forward to dealing with crowds, I am looking forward to going to the store next weekend, getting the cruise over with, then making a big incense order and trying new scents when we return. I’ll need that to look forward to as I’ll be like, “I don’t want to return to cold, snowy Oregon of all places!” We haven’t had much snow, though. This has definitely been the mildest of the 3 winters we’ve been here through, though it’s only December. It’s bound to snow again, even though it all melted away a week or so ago, within a week.

The weather’s been raining for days now, and the canal dog won’t shut up. The rain’s been keeping the temp up in the 40s, and when it’s over 40º, the fucking thing goes on and on forever. As I’ve said a million times before, I don’t see how the owners can stand it.

Tom said the house next door looks deserted, so we’ll see what our lovely God sics on us next. This would explain why I saw Charter, the cable company, climbing the pole the other day.

The shower/bath gel kits are on their way. All I have to do is mix an ounce of oil per 2 pounds of base, and we’re getting 4 pounds of base and 2 ounces of oils, one in Green Leaf and Bamboo, one in Chocolate Chip Cookie. I’m amazed at how much more I can get from these people for so much less! And with such a huge selection of scent choices, too.

Tomorrow should be Tom’s last day of overtime for a while, which he’s happy about because it’s been running him down big time. Despite the false promises those assholes made us while God sat up in the sky getting a damn good kick out of it, we should have about a grand in extra money for the trip. Whatever’s left over I’ll use for getting more incense when we get back. I’m kind of glad I won’t be getting any until then, despite my lack of variety. I wouldn’t want things getting messed up in the Christmas rush.

EFO’s a bust, and I feel even more like some outer force is trying to hinder us from succeeding. I was really hoping that after all the shit whatever’s up there has allowed others to sic on us that while it couldn’t undo it, it could at least let us have money so we could live where we want to live for a change, but I swear if we want to go right, we’re forced to go left and to hell with what we want! If I didn’t hate whatever’s up there as much as I could before, then I do now! For all the abuse it allowed my family to sic on me, along with Valleyhead, Brattleboro, the poverty, the rejection, the never experiencing true lust, the sickos getting me tossed in jail, the shit we’ve gone through up here, I’ll never forgive it for it. Never ever! And I will keep writing of my permanent and deep hatred and fury towards it as many times as I have to. Gee, I ought to just pray for my dreams and goals to never come true and to always have no choice but to live with other people’s bullshit and chaos. Then I’d really feel like something up there listened to me. Seriously, if I prayed for others to live out my dreams and for me to feel like a controlled little robot in life, I’d get every single prayer answered!

I wonder if I’ll really feel like I’m living my dream if we bother moving to California, though Tom says he’s all for it cuz he doesn’t like the screwy way they do insurance up here, even though he doesn’t mind the weather. But barking, banging, bass and basketball just weren’t part of what I’d envisioned when I’d dream of moving to California. I don’t want to be jobless and homeless all over again, even if this time we’d have unemployment checks for 6 months, and I don’t want to start over yet again for the millionth time, then ultimately end up either where I don’t want to be, or where I do, but where I won’t be allowed to stay because of the miserable shithead in the sky that feels I don’t deserve to live in peace. I’m not looking forward to being God’s little bum, scraping pennies and fighting problem neighbors most of our lives! Life isn’t about freedom of choice and free will, it’s about being a fucking puppet in God’s sick, twisted and unfair play and being forced to act out my part. If I can’t own the rights to my own life and be in the driver’s seat of it, then what’s the point? I have come to really resent God like never before and if that angers or hurts Him, tough shit! He obviously never gave a damn about me or my feelings, so I couldn't care less about Him in return.

I’ve been very depressed, but mostly pissed over not only not receiving my prize, but with EFO being a bust. I’m sick of the money teases! The partnership, the prize, then this shit to name a few.

Tom insists we could find a quiet rural place outside of Sacramento where the rent is cheap due to the gas prices that only get worse, and that he could ride the bike to the train station, reminding me that he loves to ride, but so what if we did find this peaceful place. God would just kick us back into the city somehow. I still don’t get it. Why is it so damn important we remain in the city? I see no benefit in it other than the convenience it brings since in the city we don’t have to burn trash or deal with fucked up wells. Other than that, the only reason I see for us being forced to be here is so that we can be annoyed by the noise, especially me since I’m home all the time. He doesn’t want us living where we want to live. Everything’s gotta be His way or no way. Thanks, God. Thanks a real fucking lot!

The only good in EFO being a bust is that we’ll probably re-license the truck when we get back. I miss the convenience of being able to jump in our little heap of shit while everyone else in our families gets to drive their brand-new fully loaded this and fully loaded that. Why have we been singled out? What the fuck did we do to deserve to be the designated underdogs of our families?

Anyway, we may also be able to leave sooner. The only reason we were going to wait till June was to let EFO make enough money, but since we’re going down broke, then hopefully we can leave in March or April and go listen to other dogs for a change. These ones are getting old. Maybe God will bring them closer to wherever we end up down there. Like right up to our fucking windows like at the duplex. Or maybe He’ll make sure someone who comes and goes 24/7 and slams their car doors real hard and blasts their music constantly will live right on top of us instead. Or maybe He’ll do both. I just know that Kim is a fluke. Very rarely will we have neighbors this quiet and that’s not always that quiet.

The new rat is shy, but not mean. She’s very small, smaller than Tinkerbell was. They get along well, though Tink gets rough at times when she’s cleaning her and selfish where food is concerned. Tom got her last weekend and she’s just now braving her way out of the cage. I’ve been calling her Lezzy or just Lez cuz of how she makes like she’s getting it on with Tink. I hope she’s not really a he whose balls just haven’t dropped yet!

I guess something up there has decided next door isn’t noisy enough for us and that they should move. Despite the rain of tonight and last night, last night they moved the playhouse out, and tonight it was the swings. I thought maybe they were giving it to some animals for Christmas, but it’s a little soon for that, so this is why I think they may be gearing up to move. They moved in on the 15th of April, and with the 15th coming up and for them to be doing this in the rain makes me think they’re moving.

Those bigots who call themselves conservative are really going to be disappointed. South Africa legalized same-sex marriage and Italy might. Yeah, but Nigeria’s not only considering banning same-sex marriages but making it a crime to even eat at a restaurant with gay people, that’s how sick those sickos are. And the Muslims, who I always said were even sicker, will execute these people simply for being themselves, and our wonderful God, of course, will sit back and allow it. He lets these control freaks dictate the lives of others, yet denies Tom and me the right to dictate our own damn lives. Way to go, God, way to go.

“Just do it.” It’s Nike’s motto and today it’s ours too, for we’re not going to let the wakeboard people’s stupidity stop us from getting on with our lives. We realized that if we kept waiting for things to be “perfect” in order to start with EFO, then we’d never do it because nothing’s ever perfect. He’s gotten some overtime lately, so we’ve agreed to use a couple hundred from that to get started. Then the rest is up to fate and we sit back and hope for the best! Tom got in from the job he hates more and more and is working on it now. The good thing is that there’s still nothing to say it won’t work half the time. All I know is that the more you talk about something, the easier it becomes to continue talking and forget about doing it. I think it’s high time we show whatever’s up there that it’s now our turn to be in the driver’s seat of our lives anyway.

As for the bullshit check, we sent it back requesting the money be directly deposited to our cash card, but won’t count on it happening. For a minute there I started to wonder if perhaps they really were scammers after all, though it didn’t seem likely because the runners-up got their prizes. Also, the false promise thing is usually something one gets off on doing with those they interact with regularly so they can get off on witnessing their anguish. Lastly, there’d be no financial gain on their part to send me a bogus check. Then it hit Tom that they very well could’ve put the wrong routing number on the wrong account when printing the check on the kind of inkjet printer they weren’t supposed to use in the first place. It’s just another case of us being put out by other people’s stupidity, and again, if we fuck anything up ourselves, only we pay. Anyway, I’m almost sure I won’t get the money, but I can’t seem to break my sweeping addiction. I know all I’m asking for is more checks I can’t cash and more stupidity to have to deal with and that the responsibility of getting some of these prizes will be on me, but it’s just so much fun! Especially now that I’ve got a robotic form filler to use that’s way more accurate than the auto-filler that’s built into my browser. I mean, this is a real Robo, and I’m sorry I didn’t download it from the get-go.

It’s scary to imagine if the cruise had been last March 7th instead of this January 7th. If we’d left early last March 7th, we’d have come back to find all our belongings gone because that’s the day they left the get-out-in-72-hours note on the door because of their stupidity. Let’s just hope we don’t come back to find that someone who figured out we were gone decided to help themselves to our shit. That’d really be asking for it, though, with all the people around. I don’t see how even God could protect our perps in that case because someone would surely see them. Then again, just because someone sees someone doing something wrong doesn’t mean they’ll report it.

Saw Liz a few days ago. She’s still nice, but she sure is pale and I can see where some people might think she was plain. She could use a tan and some makeup. I also think she’d look nicer with her hair parted in the middle rather than pulled straight back. Anyway, she was more talkative this time. She smiled at me as I was waiting for the woman in front of us to pay, then I asked her how she was and we made small talk, though not much of it. She’s just not as friendly as Estella and Olivia, who just may be a knock-out in another decade or so.

Another fucking Muslim plotted to bomb an Illinois mall. Why don’t they just stay the fuck out of this country if they hate us so much?

We caught the mouse the other day, but we had to do it with the sticky paper meant to trap spiders. It wasn’t going to the live trap because it wasn’t very hungry, thanks to the mess both Tinkerbell and Tom would make, dropping tons of crumbs all over.

We’re going to get Tinkerbell a roommate tomorrow for this cruise I wish we could embark on right now! I’m sick of waiting! Still got another 30 days to go, though.

EFO’s got 1 win and 1 loss so far. Tom says he’s expecting a 50% win rate, unlike the 30% non-aggressive betting brought. Some wins will pay a few piddly dollars while others will pay a few hundred. I don’t know if we’ll ever hit a ticket worth thousands, but if we can win enough smaller races to make enough money per day, we won’t have to.

My 41st birthday yesterday turned out to be good and not-so-good at the same time. I’ll cover other things first.

There’s been a mouse in here. I think it comes up from under the sink. I set up the trap, but it misfired, so I’ll keep trying. If it continues to fail, I should be able to get it with those sticky spider traps. If those can hold a rat, they can surely hold a mouse. Strange how all 3 houses I’ve lived in out west have had mice, but not one house back east ever did.

Now that my ear’s been better, I have an ingrown toenail to deal with, but unless I ever get to the point where I can’t walk and am forced to deal with it, I’m not going to fight it other than by having Tom trim it. Since I’m destined to always have something going on with me, it sure beats things like ears, asthma and allergies. In other words, it’s the best of my string of problems to have to deal with, and if I try to fix this, though I think it would take surgery, God will just sic a new problem on me that could be worse.

Now this is desperate. When we were out yesterday this stupid cock drives by, bass pounding, window open. Now you gotta be one desperate and insecure person to be driving with your window open in 35º weather just to get attention! But people do spite themselves all the time to spite others and make a scene.

Saturday we took the bus to Fred’s where I was denied a checking account because my name was on the account that bounced. If we don’t want to wait 3 more years to be eligible to open an account, we could pay off the balance and take a class on how not to bounce checks. Can they teach us to hope we don’t fall into circumstances that leave us homeless and desperate with no family to give a shit about us? I don’t think so! For now, we’ll just pay for the queen’s not giving a damn for a few more years.

At least we got to enjoy some fast food last Saturday, and I got two new Barbies, too.

The good thing to happen yesterday was that the check came. It’s a BOA check, and as we know, BOA loves to hire incompetent people and pay them shit while they fire those who are qualified, so that’s the bad part. The dumb cocks we dealt with yesterday when we took it to BOA’s downtown branch wouldn’t cash it because they were too stupid to know how to verify its authenticity. Tom knew how to verify it and he did, but was afraid to point out that he knew a lot about it due to people’s paranoia over fraudulent checks and how much BOA loves to sic the pigs on people. He felt it’d be better to talk to the guy sponsoring the sweep, get more info from him, then hit BOA with the facts of life. This is even though BOA obviously doesn’t mind getting sued by the people they fuck over because they’re always being sued by someone somewhere. A guy brought in a check somewhere that he got for selling his motorcycle and asked if it was good. They told him it was. Meanwhile, the assholes really didn’t think it was good and so they called the pigs on him, costing him thousands of dollars in legal fees before his name was finally cleared. They also refused to reimburse him for his loss.

Anyway, the latest scoop with this prize I’m destined to be so unfairly teased with is that the sponsor wants a photocopy of the check. Meanwhile, there’s a real hotshot involved that Tom says could get the dumb-ass manager we dealt with fired for not cashing the check. It isn’t the guy sponsoring the sweep, I guess, but some vice president of the company the sweep is connected to. I hope we don’t end up getting this guy fired. If we do, fair or not, we’re the ones who will have to pay for it for the next five years. Tom is still so sure we’ll get the money, but you know, I’m sick of this shit. Really sick of it! It shouldn’t be my responsibility to get my own damn prizes delivered to me any more than it should be to get dolls delivered to me.

I’m so fed up that I’ve stopped sweeping. Not just because of the headaches they bring, but for fear of going down for any scams people may be running. Tom says not to worry about that since we have the win-notice letter. Yeah, but nobody will cash these checks! I still have 6 $25 checks and a $50 one, too. Hell, eBay would be easier than this! That’s what it’s looking like we’ll have to do to help pay for the plane tickets; sell at least one of the guitars and the diamond.

Anyway, Tom said I shouldn’t be afraid to sweep, but I am. Who would’ve thought they’d use the journals to violate my supposed constitutional right to free speech like they did 6 years ago? Yet they did. And they did it so openly and casually right in front of anyone and everyone. And no one came to my defense and said, “Hey, you guys have broken just about every single law there is where she’s concerned!” My first thought was that certainly I couldn’t be jailed for something someone else did, but I was. I’ve been made to pay for others’ wrongdoings before, and as I learned the hard way, the law is the law, so they can make it or break it at will. Sure I’ve learned not to play court since that’d accomplish nothing but ultimately land me in jail no matter what they tried to tell me, and sure I could run once I got bailed out, but who needs the hassle in the first place? As it is I’m paranoid enough that the pigs are gonna bust in here and throw me in jail because some asshole who saw me out on the street thinks I resemble someone who killed or abducted or robbed someone God knows where, because it’d be just my shit luck. That is if the sickos down south don’t hunt me down first and decide they’ve missed destroying my life and wish to seize ownership of it once again. It’s their call and God would protect them either way. They could do it in a heartbeat if they really wanted to. Only this time I’d be too smart to let things get out of control. But like I said, being smart enough to be railroaded isn’t enough comfort to me.

I also still fear that something up there is still adamantly against EFO and is therefore doing all it can to delay and interfere with that. If we truly aren’t meant to ever get rich like I always believed, then nothing we do will ever make that happen. It simply won’t happen. Fighting it would be like trying to have a kid you aren’t destined to have. No amount of young, virile cocks or fertility drugs can help you if it ain’t in your cards.

I’ll miss sweeping. It certainly filled a lot of my spare time, but I’m sick of being punished for winning, which is exactly how I’ve come to feel. However, it’s simply not worth the aggravation and risks. I’ll get more into writing at this point.

Other than being sick of them leaving the dog out to bark at the door across the street after they’ve let it out, which seems to be every 10 minutes, things are the way they usually are. Well, except for the arrival of the “poster spirit,” as I refer to her. I wrote about the pictures and posters I’d communicate with before, and all the reasons that convinced me them being able to understand me weren’t my imagination. Especially since I can’t “make” other things consciously aware of my presence and the things I say, like the dolls, for instance. As real as a silicone doll would look, I know I’d never be able to “bring it to life.”

Anyway, there was this one picture of Kate in a collage poster I had when I was between 10-12. It was a very beautiful picture, and therefore, a favorite when it came to using my communicating ability I don’t think was solely about my ability. My ability was only a part of it. The other part was whoever the spirits were that inhabited the pictures that more or less served as hosts to the entities. My ability simply enabled me to be aware of their presence and to communicate with them. When those who didn’t possess my gift were present, they had no idea they were being observed and understood when they spoke, and of course, probably wouldn’t have believed it for a second if I tried telling them otherwise, except for a few people. There was this one girl, however, at Valleyhead who clearly felt the “presence.” She even chatted with them herself!

I never knew who the spirits were. Were they the spirits of people who once lived? Aliens? Something else? I never knew and probably never will. I only know that I’ve recently been “sensing” the poster spirit. I have no idea how I know it’s her, I just do. At least I think I do. I’ll admit I’m not 100% convinced yet that it’s her and not something else, but it definitely is something. While it hasn’t made any kind of amazing impact on my life beyond my own abilities, it sure seems like a hell of a coincidence that it’s made good on its word to help me with things like hunger, sleep and keeping my weight where it’s at while I’m not up for serious dieting. I explained that due to my metabolism being so slow, I’ve lost any motivation to try to lose weight, since I have to nearly starve it off, and that it only comes right back. But I would like to be able to just not lose weight like is the case with most people who don’t diet, rather than to gain indefinitely, and so far I’ve been staying around 130 pounds. Maybe someday I’ll use this entity as an appetite suppressant to lose some of this weight, though I doubt it. It’ll just come right back. Susie, which is the name I’ve given her, warned me that she’s not God, so she can’t do just anything and says that as long as I don’t have the will to call upon her for help with the hunger and to stick to a diet, I won’t lose weight. She too, insists we will get the money I won, and that I’m sitting on another big win.

God, I hope not! Just what will we have to go through in order to get that one?

I dyed my hair dark brown. It looks more natural than the red did, though some of the gray still shows. It’s part of what makes it look more natural. After all, I’m not trying to hide my age, I’m trying to kill most of the gray cuz it’s an ugly color.

They’re overtiming Tom again. The poor guy had to be there at 5:00 this morning which sucks, but at least the overtime will help with the trip.

The last excuse he got when calling the scammers two days ago was that the guy said he’d know for sure what was going on today if he called back. I told Tom today’s it. I don’t care what BS line they pitch this time. Enough phone play! It’s time to sic that company on them and quit waiting around for nothing.

Paula’s definitely gotta be dead or in jail. There’s no way she’d ignore me this long after receiving a package, would she? The question is how much of the stuff did the person who claimed it help themselves to?

Kim’s been quiet. I’d prefer not to have any neighbors at all, but while I’ve got to have them, I like it when they work.

Nothing exciting in the way of wins lately. Just DVDs and shirts.