Although I’m very appreciative of what we do have and the things Tom and I have endured and survived, yesterday I was bawling my eyes out for 3 hours, missing our old house. I don’t know why. I guess EFO’s discouraging performance brought it on. I miss the house itself, but certainly not the shit that went with it or the state it was in. Tom never cared for that house and I wouldn’t want him to live anywhere he didn’t want to live, though he adapts much easier than I do and deals with having to roll with the punches better. He’s the stronger, less emotional one. I was remembering the things I liked about the house and how I used to wish we could start over and get right what they got wrong with it and what we got wrong with the furniture. I know this is just a dream, but I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be far-fucking-out if we could get that second chance only in California instead?! Talk about a double dream! Only this house would be fenced and surrounded by trees and things we planted that didn’t die because the land was not haunted. Nor did the sick freeloaders dominate us, along with the foul odor of death. Dogs wouldn’t be running around loose like crazy and when they were, they couldn’t get near the house, and this time there’d always be money left over for us when the bills were paid. The well wouldn’t be nearly 1000’ deep either.

I went through the house room by room, thinking of what I’d change and what I’d do the same unless we ever could afford anything better. Not having tape and texture would be ok cuz I wouldn’t have a lot of wall décor to hang anyway cuz of the dolls. Instead of using their wall designs in the baths and kitchen, I’d have them in the kitchen and utility only. I’d probably skip the mural, and of course I already have the curtains. I’d just need one more black-out drape and something to cover them with that’s not so dull. All the rooms except for the kitchen and baths would have ceiling lights/fans. The utility would have a 2-in-1 side loader where the washer and dryer are one unit. Tom could have the same bedroom and office if he wouldn’t mind. In the living room, we’d get a big plasma TV, couch, plush chair, coffee and end tables, though we’d only get one stool for the bar and we’d skip the loveseat because mannequins, doll shelves or fake palms would live in that area. In the kitchen, which wouldn’t have an ugly red paint line where they cut out the vent opening, the trim would be done properly and we wouldn’t need a water dispenser cuz we’d have a hot water spigot and we could get cold water from the fridge. We’d have a flat-top oven with a timer and window in its door. My office would have both my computers in it and I’d get a desk similar to my old one. The dining table would be smaller and just a two-seater. This area would have a window instead of a door. The doors wouldn’t have a ridiculous 3” gap under them. The rats would have their old corner back in the living room, and a variety of exercise equipment would go in the main part of that room. There’d be no flooring at all in front of the front door which would be an outward-swinging utility door this time around. The retreat would be just a storeroom for things like mannequin boxes and other items we didn’t want stored outdoors. I’d still like a 10” memory foam mattress with a headboard that had shelves extending to the sides, but a 10” foam mattress with the same headboard would do as well. I’d hope to put both a pool and a garage off the utility end. The outside would be peach with white trim while the big side of the house had pink sculpted carpet, the other lavender. In the end, I’d take a dumpy cookie-cutter version of the house in all the wrong colors over places like this and Phoenix! In reality, I’m afraid we’ll be rental-hopping in little old dumps all our lives with anything but 450’ between us and the neighbors. The least I can realistically hope for is to rent something in a retirement community. Dogs may still be a problem there, and kids may come screaming to granny every day, but they couldn’t live there, and car stereos, which are certainly the worst of the top 3 noise-makers, wouldn’t be a problem.