EFO’s a bust, and I feel even more like some outer force is trying to hinder us from succeeding. I was really hoping that after all the shit whatever’s up there has allowed others to sic on us that while it couldn’t undo it, it could at least let us have money so we could live where we want to live for a change, but I swear if we want to go right, we’re forced to go left and to hell with what we want! If I didn’t hate whatever’s up there as much as I could before, then I do now! For all the abuse it allowed my family to sic on me, along with Valleyhead, Brattleboro, the poverty, the rejection, the never experiencing true lust, the sickos getting me tossed in jail, the shit we’ve gone through up here, I’ll never forgive it for it. Never ever! And I will keep writing of my permanent and deep hatred and fury towards it as many times as I have to. Gee, I ought to just pray for my dreams and goals to never come true and to always have no choice but to live with other people’s bullshit and chaos. Then I’d really feel like something up there listened to me. Seriously, if I prayed for others to live out my dreams and for me to feel like a controlled little robot in life, I’d get every single prayer answered!

I wonder if I’ll really feel like I’m living my dream if we bother moving to California, though Tom says he’s all for it cuz he doesn’t like the screwy way they do insurance up here, even though he doesn’t mind the weather. But barking, banging, bass and basketball just weren’t part of what I’d envisioned when I’d dream of moving to California. I don’t want to be jobless and homeless all over again, even if this time we’d have unemployment checks for 6 months, and I don’t want to start over yet again for the millionth time, then ultimately end up either where I don’t want to be, or where I do, but where I won’t be allowed to stay because of the miserable shithead in the sky that feels I don’t deserve to live in peace. I’m not looking forward to being God’s little bum, scraping pennies and fighting problem neighbors most of our lives! Life isn’t about freedom of choice and free will, it’s about being a fucking puppet in God’s sick, twisted and unfair play and being forced to act out my part. If I can’t own the rights to my own life and be in the driver’s seat of it, then what’s the point? I have come to really resent God like never before and if that angers or hurts Him, tough shit! He obviously never gave a damn about me or my feelings, so I couldn't care less about Him in return.

I’ve been very depressed, but mostly pissed over not only not receiving my prize, but with EFO being a bust. I’m sick of the money teases! The partnership, the prize, then this shit to name a few.

Tom insists we could find a quiet rural place outside of Sacramento where the rent is cheap due to the gas prices that only get worse, and that he could ride the bike to the train station, reminding me that he loves to ride, but so what if we did find this peaceful place. God would just kick us back into the city somehow. I still don’t get it. Why is it so damn important we remain in the city? I see no benefit in it other than the convenience it brings since in the city we don’t have to burn trash or deal with fucked up wells. Other than that, the only reason I see for us being forced to be here is so that we can be annoyed by the noise, especially me since I’m home all the time. He doesn’t want us living where we want to live. Everything’s gotta be His way or no way. Thanks, God. Thanks a real fucking lot!

The only good in EFO being a bust is that we’ll probably re-license the truck when we get back. I miss the convenience of being able to jump in our little heap of shit while everyone else in our families gets to drive their brand-new fully loaded this and fully loaded that. Why have we been singled out? What the fuck did we do to deserve to be the designated underdogs of our families?

Anyway, we may also be able to leave sooner. The only reason we were going to wait till June was to let EFO make enough money, but since we’re going down broke, then hopefully we can leave in March or April and go listen to other dogs for a change. These ones are getting old. Maybe God will bring them closer to wherever we end up down there. Like right up to our fucking windows like at the duplex. Or maybe He’ll make sure someone who comes and goes 24/7 and slams their car doors real hard and blasts their music constantly will live right on top of us instead. Or maybe He’ll do both. I just know that Kim is a fluke. Very rarely will we have neighbors this quiet and that’s not always that quiet.

The new rat is shy, but not mean. She’s very small, smaller than Tinkerbell was. They get along well, though Tink gets rough at times when she’s cleaning her and selfish where food is concerned. Tom got her last weekend and she’s just now braving her way out of the cage. I’ve been calling her Lezzy or just Lez cuz of how she makes like she’s getting it on with Tink. I hope she’s not really a he whose balls just haven’t dropped yet!

I guess something up there has decided next door isn’t noisy enough for us and that they should move. Despite the rain of tonight and last night, last night they moved the playhouse out, and tonight it was the swings. I thought maybe they were giving it to some animals for Christmas, but it’s a little soon for that, so this is why I think they may be gearing up to move. They moved in on the 15th of April, and with the 15th coming up and for them to be doing this in the rain makes me think they’re moving.

Those bigots who call themselves conservative are really going to be disappointed. South Africa legalized same-sex marriage and Italy might. Yeah, but Nigeria’s not only considering banning same-sex marriages but making it a crime to even eat at a restaurant with gay people, that’s how sick those sickos are. And the Muslims, who I always said were even sicker, will execute these people simply for being themselves, and our wonderful God, of course, will sit back and allow it. He lets these control freaks dictate the lives of others, yet denies Tom and me the right to dictate our own damn lives. Way to go, God, way to go.