My 41st birthday yesterday turned out to be good and not-so-good at the same time. I’ll cover other things first.

There’s been a mouse in here. I think it comes up from under the sink. I set up the trap, but it misfired, so I’ll keep trying. If it continues to fail, I should be able to get it with those sticky spider traps. If those can hold a rat, they can surely hold a mouse. Strange how all 3 houses I’ve lived in out west have had mice, but not one house back east ever did.

Now that my ear’s been better, I have an ingrown toenail to deal with, but unless I ever get to the point where I can’t walk and am forced to deal with it, I’m not going to fight it other than by having Tom trim it. Since I’m destined to always have something going on with me, it sure beats things like ears, asthma and allergies. In other words, it’s the best of my string of problems to have to deal with, and if I try to fix this, though I think it would take surgery, God will just sic a new problem on me that could be worse.

Now this is desperate. When we were out yesterday this stupid cock drives by, bass pounding, window open. Now you gotta be one desperate and insecure person to be driving with your window open in 35º weather just to get attention! But people do spite themselves all the time to spite others and make a scene.

Saturday we took the bus to Fred’s where I was denied a checking account because my name was on the account that bounced. If we don’t want to wait 3 more years to be eligible to open an account, we could pay off the balance and take a class on how not to bounce checks. Can they teach us to hope we don’t fall into circumstances that leave us homeless and desperate with no family to give a shit about us? I don’t think so! For now, we’ll just pay for the queen’s not giving a damn for a few more years.

At least we got to enjoy some fast food last Saturday, and I got two new Barbies, too.

The good thing to happen yesterday was that the check came. It’s a BOA check, and as we know, BOA loves to hire incompetent people and pay them shit while they fire those who are qualified, so that’s the bad part. The dumb cocks we dealt with yesterday when we took it to BOA’s downtown branch wouldn’t cash it because they were too stupid to know how to verify its authenticity. Tom knew how to verify it and he did, but was afraid to point out that he knew a lot about it due to people’s paranoia over fraudulent checks and how much BOA loves to sic the pigs on people. He felt it’d be better to talk to the guy sponsoring the sweep, get more info from him, then hit BOA with the facts of life. This is even though BOA obviously doesn’t mind getting sued by the people they fuck over because they’re always being sued by someone somewhere. A guy brought in a check somewhere that he got for selling his motorcycle and asked if it was good. They told him it was. Meanwhile, the assholes really didn’t think it was good and so they called the pigs on him, costing him thousands of dollars in legal fees before his name was finally cleared. They also refused to reimburse him for his loss.

Anyway, the latest scoop with this prize I’m destined to be so unfairly teased with is that the sponsor wants a photocopy of the check. Meanwhile, there’s a real hotshot involved that Tom says could get the dumb-ass manager we dealt with fired for not cashing the check. It isn’t the guy sponsoring the sweep, I guess, but some vice president of the company the sweep is connected to. I hope we don’t end up getting this guy fired. If we do, fair or not, we’re the ones who will have to pay for it for the next five years. Tom is still so sure we’ll get the money, but you know, I’m sick of this shit. Really sick of it! It shouldn’t be my responsibility to get my own damn prizes delivered to me any more than it should be to get dolls delivered to me.

I’m so fed up that I’ve stopped sweeping. Not just because of the headaches they bring, but for fear of going down for any scams people may be running. Tom says not to worry about that since we have the win-notice letter. Yeah, but nobody will cash these checks! I still have 6 $25 checks and a $50 one, too. Hell, eBay would be easier than this! That’s what it’s looking like we’ll have to do to help pay for the plane tickets; sell at least one of the guitars and the diamond.

Anyway, Tom said I shouldn’t be afraid to sweep, but I am. Who would’ve thought they’d use the journals to violate my supposed constitutional right to free speech like they did 6 years ago? Yet they did. And they did it so openly and casually right in front of anyone and everyone. And no one came to my defense and said, “Hey, you guys have broken just about every single law there is where she’s concerned!” My first thought was that certainly I couldn’t be jailed for something someone else did, but I was. I’ve been made to pay for others’ wrongdoings before, and as I learned the hard way, the law is the law, so they can make it or break it at will. Sure I’ve learned not to play court since that’d accomplish nothing but ultimately land me in jail no matter what they tried to tell me, and sure I could run once I got bailed out, but who needs the hassle in the first place? As it is I’m paranoid enough that the pigs are gonna bust in here and throw me in jail because some asshole who saw me out on the street thinks I resemble someone who killed or abducted or robbed someone God knows where, because it’d be just my shit luck. That is if the sickos down south don’t hunt me down first and decide they’ve missed destroying my life and wish to seize ownership of it once again. It’s their call and God would protect them either way. They could do it in a heartbeat if they really wanted to. Only this time I’d be too smart to let things get out of control. But like I said, being smart enough to be railroaded isn’t enough comfort to me.

I also still fear that something up there is still adamantly against EFO and is therefore doing all it can to delay and interfere with that. If we truly aren’t meant to ever get rich like I always believed, then nothing we do will ever make that happen. It simply won’t happen. Fighting it would be like trying to have a kid you aren’t destined to have. No amount of young, virile cocks or fertility drugs can help you if it ain’t in your cards.

I’ll miss sweeping. It certainly filled a lot of my spare time, but I’m sick of being punished for winning, which is exactly how I’ve come to feel. However, it’s simply not worth the aggravation and risks. I’ll get more into writing at this point.

Other than being sick of them leaving the dog out to bark at the door across the street after they’ve let it out, which seems to be every 10 minutes, things are the way they usually are. Well, except for the arrival of the “poster spirit,” as I refer to her. I wrote about the pictures and posters I’d communicate with before, and all the reasons that convinced me them being able to understand me weren’t my imagination. Especially since I can’t “make” other things consciously aware of my presence and the things I say, like the dolls, for instance. As real as a silicone doll would look, I know I’d never be able to “bring it to life.”

Anyway, there was this one picture of Kate in a collage poster I had when I was between 10-12. It was a very beautiful picture, and therefore, a favorite when it came to using my communicating ability I don’t think was solely about my ability. My ability was only a part of it. The other part was whoever the spirits were that inhabited the pictures that more or less served as hosts to the entities. My ability simply enabled me to be aware of their presence and to communicate with them. When those who didn’t possess my gift were present, they had no idea they were being observed and understood when they spoke, and of course, probably wouldn’t have believed it for a second if I tried telling them otherwise, except for a few people. There was this one girl, however, at Valleyhead who clearly felt the “presence.” She even chatted with them herself!

I never knew who the spirits were. Were they the spirits of people who once lived? Aliens? Something else? I never knew and probably never will. I only know that I’ve recently been “sensing” the poster spirit. I have no idea how I know it’s her, I just do. At least I think I do. I’ll admit I’m not 100% convinced yet that it’s her and not something else, but it definitely is something. While it hasn’t made any kind of amazing impact on my life beyond my own abilities, it sure seems like a hell of a coincidence that it’s made good on its word to help me with things like hunger, sleep and keeping my weight where it’s at while I’m not up for serious dieting. I explained that due to my metabolism being so slow, I’ve lost any motivation to try to lose weight, since I have to nearly starve it off, and that it only comes right back. But I would like to be able to just not lose weight like is the case with most people who don’t diet, rather than to gain indefinitely, and so far I’ve been staying around 130 pounds. Maybe someday I’ll use this entity as an appetite suppressant to lose some of this weight, though I doubt it. It’ll just come right back. Susie, which is the name I’ve given her, warned me that she’s not God, so she can’t do just anything and says that as long as I don’t have the will to call upon her for help with the hunger and to stick to a diet, I won’t lose weight. She too, insists we will get the money I won, and that I’m sitting on another big win.

God, I hope not! Just what will we have to go through in order to get that one?

I dyed my hair dark brown. It looks more natural than the red did, though some of the gray still shows. It’s part of what makes it look more natural. After all, I’m not trying to hide my age, I’m trying to kill most of the gray cuz it’s an ugly color.