Tom said she didn’t wake him up on her way to work, but I’m not sure what my case is. I wake up a lot just because. One of the times I awoke was right around the time she’d be going to work.

We’re in for rain in a couple of days, but today, being in the 70s, clear, and a weekday, means it’s going to be utterly maddening. I’m going to throw in an earplug when it starts getting really bad.

We still haven’t decided on an exact date to move, but we should have one in a couple of weeks. Tom’s researching during commercials while he watches a car race. He wants to try to avoid areas where there’s more crime, but since there’d be no way to afford a ritzier area down there, I doubt there’ll be much of a choice. Especially when we’re going where 21% of the people are Mexican and 15% are black. That’s what they do; they rip shit off and sell it. That’s how they make their living, and why not when it’s easy, tax-free, and a simple cry of discrimination gets them from having to answer to it?

Yesterday I crashed as the sun was setting with an earplug. It’s rather sad to have to sleep that way, but I didn’t get woken up, even though Tom said there were a few really loud stereos that went by. The question is, how loud is going to be too loud for society in general? How loud? When we can hear them from other states? When the vibration’s so fierce it literally knocks people’s houses down? What will it take for someone to finally do something about this problem?

Kim’s been an annoyance at times, too. She still usually doesn’t play music, but sometimes I can hear it loud and clear what with the warmer weather we’ve had. What’s most annoying with her is the slamming in and out during the mornings.

I got fed up with the Yves games, so I decided to get a basic Glinda doll for the same price. I got her from the Doll Peddlar because they were cheaper than the other places I usually shop at. I just hope she’s in stock.

Jessie’s cold is better, but now she has allergies so I’ll see if I can influence that for her, too.

They’re having another Delbert cruise, only it’s embarking from San Diego. Yeah, I figured Nancy was full of shit when she tried to tell me that I may’ve cost them their contract with House of Blues and Sandy Beaches Cruises. She sure tried, though!

Later…

Tom just woke Kim up doing the yard. She came out and asked him if he’d do it on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, saying those were her days off. He told her, “Sure.” Watch, now she’ll go and use this as an excuse to play her music louder, or maybe slam doors harder and more often. But at least she’d be easier to wake up again, if she did, unlike that bitch at the duplex. I couldn’t have woken her up without waking Tom up. At least we’re almost out of here! If she thinks she’s going to sleep peacefully during the daytime, though, with people moving in here in the middle of summer, she’s in for one “rude awakening!” The chances of the newcomers not barbecuing in the backyard or doing something else back there aren’t very good. Of course, if God really has it in for her in any way, He’ll sic a little kid on her whose mother sends it outside to play. A preschooler who’s home all the time. I don’t see how she sleeps with that damn dog as it is. Certainly, it’s got to be louder to her as the stereos are to us.

I’m depressed, frustrated, pissed and tired, and my undying hatred for God only continues to grow while I’m at it, too. They woke me up twice yesterday, then I woke up twice more, once when I was hungry and once when I was sweating. I got up at 10:00, did my work, then took a 3-hour nap from 2:00 – 5:00. It was so nice to do it with no sound machines, too. Had Tom gotten up to pee, yeah, it would’ve woken me, but there was absolutely nothing but the computer’s fans whirring in the background and it was nice for a change.

Tom wants to research the Sacramento area this weekend, but whether we end up in the $400 apartment or the $800 house, it’s all going to be maddening and so I’ve already made up my mind to starve to death just as soon as I get my hands on that Claritin. I’ll be damned if I’ll live like this another 5-14 years, more like 14. I just can’t believe any retirement home would let a couple in with one being under the age limit, so fuck this Tom-and-Jodi-are-only-allowed-to-live-in-noisy-places rule our fucking God’s slapped on us! I can’t deal with these things that only get louder and louder each year for another decade and a half. Hell, the freeloaders’ stereo wasn’t nearly as loud as they are today! If they had been I’d have assaulted them for damn sure and ended up at least somewhat deserving of the shit they put me through. And no one’s ever going to do shit about them either. They’d have done that 10 years ago if they were.

I’m just sick of life. Sick of humanity. Yet the more I try to escape it, the more I just get stuck right in the middle of it. I can run, but I can’t hide. Not as long as I live, and this is no way to live, trust me. I’m simply not allowed to have anything I want, no matter how simple it may be. All I want is a peaceful place and some money, but sure enough, that dream Tom had just had to be that 1% of the time that it didn’t pan out. Gee, why am I not at all surprised?

Anyway, it’d be nice to have a place lined up for when we get down there so we don’t have to waste money in motels for too long, but at the same time, I don’t want to do the sight-unseen thing again either. There’s no way we could stay in motels indefinitely, though, on the Unemployment. It won’t be enough to cover the higher rates down there.

I’ve been stressed out over the upcoming move, and a bit depressed, too. Especially with knowing how maddening it’s going to be down there with the stereos on a daily basis, year-round. And the barking and God knows what else. The thought of having to live with this year after year just makes me want to drop dead! Even if the fucking stereos didn’t exist, though, dealing with all the barking and car door slamming right outside the wall of our place is bad enough. And so is dealing with struggling to make ends meet, which we’ll be doing for God knows how long.

I’m also not looking forward to returning to all the Mexicans and blacks, but seeing that the entire southwest was once Mexico in the 1800s, there’s no avoiding it. But I do miss the warm climate and the palm trees so I don’t want to deprive myself simply because people can’t shut up and are rude assholes.

It’s back in the 60s and 70s here, so it’s been quite maddening. I can’t sleep well during the daytime, so I’m going to have Tom get me some melatonin and start trying to train myself on a day schedule so I can try to find work when we get down there.

I’ll just try to remind myself when I’m listening to the stereos, the screaming, the barking, the door slamming, etc., that thanks to God’s being obsessed with my living in places I hate, that’s just all the more security for us. The more I hate a place, the more impossible it’d be to get evicted from it. I’ll also try to remind myself that a chaotic day only makes for a more special and appreciated night. I really enjoy the peacefulness of the nighttimes all the more on account of it being so maddening during the daytime. I never take it for granted. The same with those few scattered bursts of money we have throughout life. We’ll probably be broke for the next 2-3 years, but come the next time we’ve got extra money, it’s going to be all the more wonderful.

On the other hand, I also know I don’t have to take it. I don’t have a gun to shoot myself with or a garage to fill with carbon monoxide, but I can stop eating anytime I choose to and simply drift away. God can make me suffer, but he can’t make me eat, and I would think that death by starvation is a relatively easy death. You just get weak and tired.

I decided we should keep the truck. It’d not only make getting around a brand new city all the easier but there’s no way we could get something new as soon as we got down there. Even the biggest piece of junk is going to cost hundreds or even thousands down there, and making it drivable would cost thousands, too. This $500 truck cost us 2 grand to bring to life as it was.

It’s been a month and I still haven’t gotten my order from Yves! It turns out that the first time around they didn’t process it due to a glitch. This time around it’s because credit card companies are clamping down on different first names, even if the addresses are the same. The account was in my name, but the card was in his. I created a whole new account in his name and added a few more items that are on sale. We’ll place the order this weekend and hope Yves doesn’t fuck up again. This is the first time they’ve fucked up on me.

The good news in all this is that my eyes are better than ever! I found that if I go cross-eyed for a few minutes each day, it helps a lot. I’ve been working all night without glasses. What was cool was that it was noticeable as soon as I got up, and when I first wake up is when it’s usually the hardest to see.

It’ll be interesting to see how Jessie’s cold is. She emailed me a few days ago saying she’d been sick. I told her I’d try to ease it for her as best I could.

Anyway, this weekend we’re going to really check into the houses down there and do our best to see if we can figure out what types of neighborhoods they’re in, what’s around it, etc. It’s just that you can’t always know till you get there. You can’t “see” if there’s a stereo living right next to a particular house you might want. Not all satellite pictures will show you which yards are decorated with dogs, and even if they could, they’re outdated photos. I doubt most houses in the mainstream down there will be much quieter than an apartment or duplex, but at least I won’t have to worry about someone complaining about me when I want to blast my stereo or run around with the rat. I weighed the pros and cons of living alone, versus connected to others, and I still say it’s best to go solo if God will allow this much to be up to us for once.

I hope there’s also a way to find out who owns the houses down there. We do not want to end up next to a city house again!

There’s this same dog that goes barking by in the back of a pickup regularly and it really gets old. But hey, it’s another good way to be obnoxious and get attention.

I never heard from Jessie over the weekend. The kid must’ve kept her busy.

I won 5,000 points again on Netwinner and am now just under 30,000 points. They definitely do compensate you, though, afterward. I haven’t been winning nearly as much ever since, so I won’t bother to play much for a few days.

For as long as he can remember, Tom’s gotten solutions to various problems in his sleep. It’s not like he’ll dream that a person’s telling him the answers, he just wakes up knowing something he didn’t know the day before. He says the answers prove correct 99% of the time, so if this is that 1% where he’s wrong, that’s all the more reason to believe something up there really wants to tease us badly with money. The question is why. We’ve never ripped anyone off or anything. If anything, we’ve done nothing but be a profit to others, so if anyone’s owed money and deserves it, it’s us! Anyway, he said it’s not like he got the answer that’ll get us rich (though he still feels that’ll happen at some point), but that will up the win percentage, giving us a small profit each day, instead of the usual, win some/lose some trip we’ve been on. I say it’s just another tease (as if God has nothing better to do than pick on us), but if we ever do get rich somehow, then I’m no longer psychic!

I’m not sure if I can say my eyes are better or not. They sure don’t seem to be at the beginning of my day, but then they do seem to get better. It’s really weird. Yet when I think of the inhalers and snot sprays I influenced myself off of, and the dairy products I influenced my stomach to be able to handle, it gives me a little hope. It seems it’s the more tangible things that are easier to influence. If only I could influence my metabolism! Once again it does seem like I’ve maxed, though I don’t think I’ll stay this weight forever if I continue to eat all I want.

Just like I was saying that I couldn’t believe it was early April back when we were having that warm spell, now I can say I can’t believe it’s nearly May! Not with the cold and snow we’ve been having. It’s just some dustings but it’s still snow.

As much as I have to bitch about and worry about, I know I’m living the right life when I think of Jessie getting up each morning to go to an accounting job of all things, then going home to a 4-year-old. But it suits her well. It’s just a matter of individual priority and preference. I’d rather have a life, even if it’s not always the life I’d like to have.

Sometimes I think of contacting Mary, who appears to still be in jail since I can’t find anything new on her, but then I think of how sensitive she can be and what a pest she’d no doubt make of herself once she’s released and I say, nah. Even Tom says he wouldn’t bother.

Jessie emailed me at 7 AM her time this morning to say she was on her way to work and to have a fun day.

It’s so hard to believe we’re in touch again! At the same time, it doesn’t feel like there’s a 15-year gap there, what with how far we go back. I updated her on how my psychic skills have advanced and how Tom feels I’m more of an influencer than clairvoyant. I’m trying to “influence” my eyes back into focus, but it isn’t working yet. This text is maybe a little clearer, but that could be pure wishful thinking on my part! We’ll just have to see as I continue the spells.

I told Jess she could be a character in one of my books sometime, but that I can’t use her as a main character. She’s as straight as I wish my hair was.

I hunted through my photo albums yet was unable to find the picture of us I had for years. Bummer! We’ll see if she has any.

I told Tom about her years ago but filled him in more since our little electronic reunion. If anything, he and she are more similar than she and I are. She’s a lot like Mary but without the religious fanatic BS mixed in.

It sucks that her kid’s so young. That sort of shoots down any possibility of her being able to visit us for quite a while if she wanted to. It used to be that none of my friends had kids, but ever since the 90s, almost all my friends have had kids, and as selfish as it may sound, it can be a drag. On the other hand, it keeps them from having the time to bug me.

I have quite a shocking update – an email from Jessica S! The message was sent under the name Bonnie S, but she hasn’t told me who that is yet. She sent the message a few days ago saying she received my letter a while back and misplaced it till now, and to let her know if I have the same email address.

I replied, letting her know I was glad to hear from her, and that we were moving to Sacramento soon. Then I sent her a detailed update of my last 15 years in the wild, wild west and she replied saying her life seemed dull in comparison.

I responded by letting her know that sometimes dull is better than adventurous and that I was looking forward to hearing all that’s been going on with her.

Today she said she got an accounting degree at HCC, got married, went through a bunch of shit, got separated, had a beautiful daughter, and is now trying to work things out with her husband. Between work and a 4-year-old, free time is sparse.

I told her that’s why I opted not to have kids (if ever I really did have the freedom of choice in the matter in the first place); so I could have a life. I told her it’s all a matter of priority, but if she’s happy, that’s all that matters. I sent her the links to my photo albums and she’s seen some of them. She never answered a fraction of the questions I had for her or even told me her daughter’s name or how her son was doing, so I figured she could tell me what she wants when she wants. With a job and a kid that young and probably a man who doesn’t give a shit about either one of them, I can see where she’d have no life. I figured that like with Paula, her life would be pretty much the same, though she’s certainly a lot more with it than Paula, whom I finally spoke to earlier today.

The only new thing Paula told me was that she’s moving after 8 years of being in the same place. She gave me two different reasons as to why she’s moving. First it was because her landlady won’t renew her lease, and then it was because of the freeloaders upstairs. She’s moving to another 3-family house in Chicopee, but will still have the same PO Box in W. Springfield. She’ll be on the first floor, under an old lady. She says the lady can ask her son to turn down his music if she wants, but she better not make a habit of it. Justin’s been really mean to her, she says, and she’s having problems with him.

Gee, Paula, I wonder why! Like maybe you weren’t a great example for him perhaps?

The biggest shocker was that she got married last October, but hasn’t told anyone, not even Justin. I don’t know why the secrecy, but anyway, the guy turned out to be a real psycho, so it turned out to be the biggest mistake of her life, she says.

Tom thinks it’s just water, but it looks to me like my weight hasn’t maxed after all. Figures, huh? It looks like yes, I will keep gaining indefinitely if I eat all I want, it’ll just be a slow process. I’m back to 137 pounds, but I still doubt I’ll do much about it till I can get a hold of the Claritin.

I guess now’s a good time to get caught up here since I can’t start sweeping till 2:00. I don’t like to start earlier than I did the day before because some of the ‘dailies’ are really ‘24s’ and they won’t let me enter till it’s been exactly 24 hours.

If we really leave on June 1st, we now have just 48 days left to go!

I was browsing this weight-loss tip site and didn’t believe it when they said switching from soda to water really makes a difference, but it does. It’s only a few-pound difference, but it’s a difference just the same.

I’ve also changed the way I exercise my lower abs muscles.

I was surprised to read there are certain foods said to boost the metabolism. They don’t recommend having less than 1200 calories a day, but I still intend to starve myself once I get a hold of that Claritin because it’s faster and easier. Then I’ll try taking some of their advice to keep it off for a while like having 2-3 ounces of cheese, sliced meat, fish or egg with every meal. They also recommend peanut butter, dark chocolate, sunflower seeds, whole wheat bread, bananas, dried apricots, honeydew melon, baked potato with skin, miso soup, spinach, lean red meat, fortified bran flakes and raspberries. They say not to let 4-5 hours pass without eating as that’s all it takes to put your body into “starvation mode,” and to eat when you get up. Lastly, they recommend taking 3 deep breaths 10 times a day.

Tom set us up to download movies from the Starz network. We can also watch what’s currently playing on their channel, too. It’s pretty cool and makes for good time-fillers when I’m done working and don’t feel like doing anything else like writing or reading. The first two weeks are free, then it’s $10 a month. At first I wasn’t sure the selection would be worth it after two weeks, but they’re constantly adding new stuff, so we’ll see.

Some guy’s out in the yard next door now with a girl of around 8 flying a kite. This is the first time I’ve seen a kid over there, so I’d say she’s visiting. In the bedroom with the music going, it’s no big deal. I’m surprised they don’t have a car stereo thumping away while they’re at it.

Anyway, today’s cooler and windier and it’s been much quieter stereo-wise.

Tom said gamblers are superstitious and that they would definitely give him a hundred bucks or so if they won big from his picks. Just like people are superstitious about leaving a payout on a slot machine, they are with this too, he tells me. That’s something God would do too; have someone win big from his picks, while we hardly got shit.

Won a boring DVD and the best shirt for Tom ever. A $50 polo shirt. It’s actually a Nautica deck shirt. I won him a fiery red one and next time I’ll go for a black one. They give away 50 shirts each week, then the grand prize winner gets 22 shirts, each in a different color.

The doll finally came and is way nicer than my other Tonners. She’s a little bigger, but a lot better proportioned. I love the drop-down ankles and more detailed toes than the typical Tonner has. Just like my porcelain bride doll, Summer Dream, one of her hands is fist-like so she can hold her flower bouquet.

I hope I don’t lose any of these dolls once we move! But if we do end up in total poverty, and if we’re not smart enough to kill ourselves, we sure do have a lot of stuff we could sell.

There was an instant sweep where I won a “naughty & nice” towel set, and apparently, I got the win notice in error. And although this company isn’t required to give prizes to those affected by their mistake, they did send a T-shirt and a watch with 3 different colored bands, so that was nice.

The trees are in bloom now and so are the bees and spiders. Tom’s going to spray the outside of the house today, then we’ll bomb next weekend. I love seeing the cherry and apple blossoms. They’re so beautiful but so short-lived.

I was reading various posts on the global warming debate. Some feel it’s all hype, but others believe it is a genuine crisis, pointing out that 80-degree temps in March aren’t normal. Someone even said they wore shorts in NYC for the first time ever in January, although they did get slammed with tons of cold and snow shortly afterward. Has it ever been 76º in early April in Klamath Falls, I wonder? That’s what it was yesterday. I was so hot under this heavy comforter that I had to sleep with the fan on. It didn’t warm up till June of our first spring here, then last year it warmed up a month earlier, but this year it’s over two months earlier. Tom said it won’t affect us personally, but those billion or so people who live by the sea will be displaced by the rising sea levels. It could affect us, however, if many of those people decide to come live with us. That’d really suck cuz the cities are crowded enough as it is! I got a kick out of how one lady said, “I’m 73 years old, and why should I believe their weather predictions for the next 50 years when I have yet to see them get the next 3 days right?”

A couple fell 50’ from the balcony of a cruise ship near Mexico. They survived, and although no reason for the fall was mentioned, I’d say they were trying to kill themselves. Not even the drunkest of drunks would be dumb enough to fall off a cruise ship like that!

Another cruise ship sunk in the Mediterranean Sea in Greece after striking a rocky reef. Two people are missing. Guess these things still aren’t unsinkable!

I was checking into houseboat rentals, hoping to find something affordable that was long-term, but sure enough, all I could find were vacation rentals that cost a fortune. You can buy boats too, but I couldn’t find anything smaller than a 4-bed boat for $234,000. A houseboat would’ve been awesome. Probably more so than a rural or a retirement type of place. You couldn’t take it out to sea, but you wouldn’t have car stereos to deal with or a pack of brats bouncing basketballs for 5 hours at a time. Barking dogs may be a problem, and kids may go running up and down the docks constantly, but the boat’s windows would be watertight and that cuts down sound big-time. Typical me, always wanting what she can’t have. I’m still just as happy to go to Sacramento as opposed to staying here in the cold and snow, but I can’t see us avoiding an apartment while we’re at it either. I picture us ending up in a complex like what’s common in Arizona, and seemingly, most of California, too. Those are noisy as hell, but at least the place would have central AC/heat, a dishwasher, and hopefully a washer and dryer that was at least on the grounds if not inside the apartment. I just hope that if we have to live in a complex, since it’s up to God only and not us, we’re not on the pool or parking lot. Knowing we’ll have the shit “luck” to get next to the freeloaders with the 16 siblings visiting, and to get below the stomping elephant, and above the stereo blaster will be enough to deal with as it is, on top of the constant outdoor projects. You know, the mowing, the blowing, the painting, the re-roofing, etc.

The procrastinator never sent the tracking number like she says they always do and the doll didn’t arrive yesterday, so let’s hope this time she meant it when she said it’d go out Wednesday if it didn’t make Monday’s shipment. Then she should arrive tomorrow. First I was tempted to leave negative feedback, but then that may prompt her to leave me negative feedback, so I may give what I get and go back on my own word as well by leaving nothing. She hasn’t left me anything. On the other hand, she did give me a good deal on this doll and may be waiting to leave me feedback once I leave hers, so maybe I’ll just write “Good deal.” I had a dream last night that there was another problem getting the doll to me, so let’s hope it was just a dream.

Kim had company yesterday. Some old car was there. Even though we have just 57 days left, I hope she doesn’t go back to being the company junkie she was last fall. I’m going to have enough indoor and outdoor door slamming to listen to down there, so I don’t need it up here, too. Today I think she might’ve brought someone back with her.

Tom hasn’t yet admitted his program’s a bust, but he is at least ready to “prepare for the possibility that I’m right,” so he says, but setting things up to sell his picks. It’s like with psychics who sell winning lottery numbers; they hope someone wins big and will be kind and generous enough to share some of it with them. That’s totally something God would do too, have someone else strike it rich of off something he did. And no one’s that kind or generous either!

Meanwhile, I still have my bouts of anger and depression over it being just another joke on us. It was a hell of a cruel tease, and of course, God sat back and allowed it, as always, because the joke was on us. And if it’s us, why that only makes it all the more funny, doesn’t it God?

I’ve come to resign myself to the inevitable living conditions that are in our fate and that simply can’t be changed and so I try to see the good in it. If we did own a nice place on some land that wasn’t noisy, God would just take it away from us. If we don’t own anything, well then we couldn’t lose what we didn’t have. I’ve had a zillion apartments yet I’ve only been evicted once due to being the kind of prankster I haven’t been in years. Meanwhile, we lost the Maricopa house and we nearly lost the Phoenix house too, at one point, even if our lives were hell there. So while it’s easy to complain about the things that go bump, bang, and bark all the time and all the wake-up calls, an apartment is something I know we could never go wrong with or ever lose. And while it’s easy to say I want to live in peace, living in noisy places is all I know for the most part, and while it may be nice to live in peace, it may seem rather strange. The longer I live a certain way, the harder it is to adapt to something else, even if it’s better. Noise – can’t imagine life without it!

I’m determined to learn to tune out what I haven’t been able to tune out as of yet and to fight the sleep problem God has cursed me with in order to supplement our income. Just because we can’t live in peace doesn’t mean I want us to ever again suffer the kind of poverty we suffered upon coming here. If I hadn’t been so damn lazy and if I hadn’t been so damn submissive to God’s shit, we wouldn’t have had such a hard time. He could break my legs or something to stop me, I know, but I’ve got to at least try to fight Him. Maybe that’s what He wants; to see me finally fight back. Maybe then He’ll cut me some slack. Besides, daytime sleeping in an apartment is virtually impossible. I remember that all too well.

In better news, the last doll of ’07 will be here either today or Friday. Now she says she’s not sure if it made Monday’s shipment in which case it’ll go out today.

It took me about 30 DVDs to do it, but I finally won one worth watching.

As excited about the move as I am, and as anxious as I am to get out of this dump, the more nerved up I become. I keep trying to tell myself, “Relax, you’re not going back to Brattleboro, Valleyhead or jail! You’re going to California.”

California! A place you’ve always dreamed of living. Yet sadly enough, while it may be California with its warmth and palm trees, it’ll also include poverty for us and a very chaotic place to live. You know, all the things that my fantasies never included when I’d imagine living there?

My ingrown toenail’s been bugging me even though Tom just trimmed it. I was tempted to burn the damn thing off with the head of an incense stick, but the only way I’m going to learn to adapt to chronic pain and noise is to stop fighting it! A good way to start is to forget about getting that thing to curb a dog’s barking. Besides, it shouldn’t be my responsibility to shut the damn thing up anyway.

The only thing that keeps me from ending it all is knowing that my death would be leaving Tom alone for 35 years and feeling guilty. Guilt was something I always felt he didn’t feel so easily, like back when he’d casually make false promises to me, but I think he would if I killed myself, and probably even get lonely, too. Not for sex, of course, but for companionship. It’s just that knowing that I’ll never be able to live in peace, never live without pain or some kind of medical problem, and will probably never again have money makes me wonder if any good times mixed in are really all that worth it.

I don’t just loathe God for the shit He’s allowed me to go through in my life, but just hearing about this Uganda lesbian that sought asylum in the US confirms all the more that God really truly is an evil being in every sense of the word. It isn’t just what He allows to happen to me, but to others like this woman as well. The Arabs, I could care less, they can all kill themselves, but when I read that this woman’s family was so angry and ashamed to learn she was a lesbian that her relatives hurled insults at her, pummeled her and, stripped her and held her down while a stranger raped her, I had to wonder yet again who the hell people think they’re kidding by praising and worshiping any kind of God that could let this happen. And yes, He’s just as guilty for allowing it to happen. What did these sickos think having her raped would do, make her love guys?

Ah, the nearest but not so dearest. It just goes to show once again that quite often our “family” isn’t those we’re born to, but those who love us as we are. I have to admit that not even my twisted family would do such a thing, and they’re bad enough. Bad enough that they never deserved me. I don’t know why I gave them as much of myself as I did after I turned 18, but building the self-esteem, self-respect and courage to break away from abusive people can take time.

Anyway, Africa’s one fucked up continent. Homosexuality is illegal in Uganda, though no one’s ever been convicted. The woman’s hiding out in Minnesota right now, pending the outcome of her case. My first thought was that she’d lose because she’s gay and she’s a woman. But she’s also black and those aren’t very deportable. We have Abe to thank for that for when he freed the blacks he forgot to send them back home where they belonged, and so we got stuck with them, and the people of today are paying for it and so will the people of 200 years from now, assuming an all-out war hasn’t killed everyone off by then.

Here’s another classic example of how I have to pay for fighting back. I’ve been getting spam like crazy from these damn Brits that are running this scam, trying to take advantage of people’s stupidity. I can’t block them out because they use a different email address for each of the 15 messages a day I get. So I decided why not spam the spammers? So I’d reply to all the messages with various mumbo-jumbo, then next thing I know it tells me I’ve sent all the messages I’m allotted to send within a 24-hour period. I didn’t even know there was a limit! But the point’s the same; I’m being punished for jamming up their mailbox like they do mine with absolutely no punishments attached whatsoever on their side. In fact, I’m sure they’re making a good amount of money for all the credit card numbers they must’ve sold by now or else they wouldn’t still be at it. The object of the game is to claim someone won a lot of money in a draw they never even entered, then ask that they call them. This is when they promise to deposit the money into your account or on your card if you give them the account information.