As excited about the move as I am, and as anxious as I am to get out of this dump, the more nerved up I become. I keep trying to tell myself, “Relax, you’re not going back to Brattleboro, Valleyhead or jail! You’re going to California.”

California! A place you’ve always dreamed of living. Yet sadly enough, while it may be California with its warmth and palm trees, it’ll also include poverty for us and a very chaotic place to live. You know, all the things that my fantasies never included when I’d imagine living there?

My ingrown toenail’s been bugging me even though Tom just trimmed it. I was tempted to burn the damn thing off with the head of an incense stick, but the only way I’m going to learn to adapt to chronic pain and noise is to stop fighting it! A good way to start is to forget about getting that thing to curb a dog’s barking. Besides, it shouldn’t be my responsibility to shut the damn thing up anyway.

The only thing that keeps me from ending it all is knowing that my death would be leaving Tom alone for 35 years and feeling guilty. Guilt was something I always felt he didn’t feel so easily, like back when he’d casually make false promises to me, but I think he would if I killed myself, and probably even get lonely, too. Not for sex, of course, but for companionship. It’s just that knowing that I’ll never be able to live in peace, never live without pain or some kind of medical problem, and will probably never again have money makes me wonder if any good times mixed in are really all that worth it.

I don’t just loathe God for the shit He’s allowed me to go through in my life, but just hearing about this Uganda lesbian that sought asylum in the US confirms all the more that God really truly is an evil being in every sense of the word. It isn’t just what He allows to happen to me, but to others like this woman as well. The Arabs, I could care less, they can all kill themselves, but when I read that this woman’s family was so angry and ashamed to learn she was a lesbian that her relatives hurled insults at her, pummeled her and, stripped her and held her down while a stranger raped her, I had to wonder yet again who the hell people think they’re kidding by praising and worshiping any kind of God that could let this happen. And yes, He’s just as guilty for allowing it to happen. What did these sickos think having her raped would do, make her love guys?

Ah, the nearest but not so dearest. It just goes to show once again that quite often our “family” isn’t those we’re born to, but those who love us as we are. I have to admit that not even my twisted family would do such a thing, and they’re bad enough. Bad enough that they never deserved me. I don’t know why I gave them as much of myself as I did after I turned 18, but building the self-esteem, self-respect and courage to break away from abusive people can take time.

Anyway, Africa’s one fucked up continent. Homosexuality is illegal in Uganda, though no one’s ever been convicted. The woman’s hiding out in Minnesota right now, pending the outcome of her case. My first thought was that she’d lose because she’s gay and she’s a woman. But she’s also black and those aren’t very deportable. We have Abe to thank for that for when he freed the blacks he forgot to send them back home where they belonged, and so we got stuck with them, and the people of today are paying for it and so will the people of 200 years from now, assuming an all-out war hasn’t killed everyone off by then.

Here’s another classic example of how I have to pay for fighting back. I’ve been getting spam like crazy from these damn Brits that are running this scam, trying to take advantage of people’s stupidity. I can’t block them out because they use a different email address for each of the 15 messages a day I get. So I decided why not spam the spammers? So I’d reply to all the messages with various mumbo-jumbo, then next thing I know it tells me I’ve sent all the messages I’m allotted to send within a 24-hour period. I didn’t even know there was a limit! But the point’s the same; I’m being punished for jamming up their mailbox like they do mine with absolutely no punishments attached whatsoever on their side. In fact, I’m sure they’re making a good amount of money for all the credit card numbers they must’ve sold by now or else they wouldn’t still be at it. The object of the game is to claim someone won a lot of money in a draw they never even entered, then ask that they call them. This is when they promise to deposit the money into your account or on your card if you give them the account information.