I’ve been stressed out over the upcoming move, and a bit depressed, too. Especially with knowing how maddening it’s going to be down there with the stereos on a daily basis, year-round. And the barking and God knows what else. The thought of having to live with this year after year just makes me want to drop dead! Even if the fucking stereos didn’t exist, though, dealing with all the barking and car door slamming right outside the wall of our place is bad enough. And so is dealing with struggling to make ends meet, which we’ll be doing for God knows how long.

I’m also not looking forward to returning to all the Mexicans and blacks, but seeing that the entire southwest was once Mexico in the 1800s, there’s no avoiding it. But I do miss the warm climate and the palm trees so I don’t want to deprive myself simply because people can’t shut up and are rude assholes.

It’s back in the 60s and 70s here, so it’s been quite maddening. I can’t sleep well during the daytime, so I’m going to have Tom get me some melatonin and start trying to train myself on a day schedule so I can try to find work when we get down there.

I’ll just try to remind myself when I’m listening to the stereos, the screaming, the barking, the door slamming, etc., that thanks to God’s being obsessed with my living in places I hate, that’s just all the more security for us. The more I hate a place, the more impossible it’d be to get evicted from it. I’ll also try to remind myself that a chaotic day only makes for a more special and appreciated night. I really enjoy the peacefulness of the nighttimes all the more on account of it being so maddening during the daytime. I never take it for granted. The same with those few scattered bursts of money we have throughout life. We’ll probably be broke for the next 2-3 years, but come the next time we’ve got extra money, it’s going to be all the more wonderful.

On the other hand, I also know I don’t have to take it. I don’t have a gun to shoot myself with or a garage to fill with carbon monoxide, but I can stop eating anytime I choose to and simply drift away. God can make me suffer, but he can’t make me eat, and I would think that death by starvation is a relatively easy death. You just get weak and tired.

I decided we should keep the truck. It’d not only make getting around a brand new city all the easier but there’s no way we could get something new as soon as we got down there. Even the biggest piece of junk is going to cost hundreds or even thousands down there, and making it drivable would cost thousands, too. This $500 truck cost us 2 grand to bring to life as it was.

It’s been a month and I still haven’t gotten my order from Yves! It turns out that the first time around they didn’t process it due to a glitch. This time around it’s because credit card companies are clamping down on different first names, even if the addresses are the same. The account was in my name, but the card was in his. I created a whole new account in his name and added a few more items that are on sale. We’ll place the order this weekend and hope Yves doesn’t fuck up again. This is the first time they’ve fucked up on me.

The good news in all this is that my eyes are better than ever! I found that if I go cross-eyed for a few minutes each day, it helps a lot. I’ve been working all night without glasses. What was cool was that it was noticeable as soon as I got up, and when I first wake up is when it’s usually the hardest to see.

It’ll be interesting to see how Jessie’s cold is. She emailed me a few days ago saying she’d been sick. I told her I’d try to ease it for her as best I could.

Anyway, this weekend we’re going to really check into the houses down there and do our best to see if we can figure out what types of neighborhoods they’re in, what’s around it, etc. It’s just that you can’t always know till you get there. You can’t “see” if there’s a stereo living right next to a particular house you might want. Not all satellite pictures will show you which yards are decorated with dogs, and even if they could, they’re outdated photos. I doubt most houses in the mainstream down there will be much quieter than an apartment or duplex, but at least I won’t have to worry about someone complaining about me when I want to blast my stereo or run around with the rat. I weighed the pros and cons of living alone, versus connected to others, and I still say it’s best to go solo if God will allow this much to be up to us for once.

I hope there’s also a way to find out who owns the houses down there. We do not want to end up next to a city house again!