My Marley doll will be here today, so that’s good. What isn’t is that my computer’s still fucked up. Because it is, though, I have more time for other things like writing. I thought this would be a good time to write about Stacey.

I’m not usually in the habit of writing to those who despise me and who treated me like shit, but just like it was funny to send Doe and Art the postcard from PR, I thought it’d be funny to surprise Stacey with a letter, too. Yes, as strange as I know it may sound, here I am, 15 years after the fact, fantasizing about that overly serious, bossy, bitchy, back-stabbing, blond version of Kate Jackson who’s probably anything but attractive these days as is the case with most who are in their 40s.

I had to think of a creative reason for why I was writing and didn’t think it’d sound cool to say “I just felt like it.” I decided to lie instead and say that Judy, who worked at the Vista too, contacted me. I said Judy told me she’d been upset all these years for how she treated me, and that part of the reason was that I was the one and only woman she was ever attracted to and it freaked her out because she wasn’t used to those feelings.

Me and others wondered if there could’ve been a grain of truth to this, too. It’s hard to believe someone like her could’ve been attracted to me, though, mainly because I was attracted to her. You know mutual attraction’s a no-no for me (although Teddy Bear and I were attracted to each other even though we never did anything)! While some may’ve considered her average-looking overall, she had a very stylish, mature, sophisticated, classy and elegant appearance. She had to have been at least 5’ 6” and around 120-130 pounds.

Her address says it was recorded online at the site I got it from in ’04, so hopefully she’s still there. It wouldn’t surprise me if she not only has lived there for 10 years or more but will live there another 10-20 years. There was a satellite link to the house and sure enough, it’s a nice house in a beautiful neighborhood. Sure she’d get barking dogs and car stereos, but the area and the houses around there are gorgeous. It looks twice as big as the Phoenix house we had, maybe even two stories. Lots of pools in the neighborhood, unlike the neighborhood we were in.

Anyway, I said stuff like, don’t be ashamed of how you feel, don’t worry about the past as it’s done and over with, and that I was sorry for the things I said and did that I shouldn’t have. Meanwhile, Judy “asked” that I surprise her with the letter and let her know I have no hard feelings and all that. I, of course, mentioned moving to Oregon, and soon to California, among the fact that I’ve been married all these years, am doing well, winning contests, a little about my interests, etc. I mentioned no longer being in touch with Andy because of the drugs he was into.

I wish I could be a fly on the wall to see her reaction upon reading the letter and realizing who I am! At least I think I must’ve been living somewhere in her brain all these years and that she’d remember me. I even gave her my Webshots username and said I couldn’t swear to it, but I thought she might be in the background of one of the pictures taken at the Vista, just to pique her curiosity. It may worry her for a minute, too! Unlike with Doe and Art, not that I ever gave them any contact information, it would be interesting if I got a response from her, even if it was to say that it couldn’t have been “Judy” who contacted me, don’t give the person any more info, don’t contact her again, etc. But I know that on top of getting a kick out of surprising her, I won’t hear a damn thing in return, even though I said I’d love to hear from her. I enclosed my email address, but not my postal address, explaining that we’re about to move and may not be able to leave a forwarding address. I really did this on the very, very off chance she did respond! If she responded on a day when Tom got the mail instead of me, he may have a heart attack! I’m not even going to tell him about this. In this case, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. I know I said absolutely nothing that could get me in any kind of trouble whatsoever, but knowing Tom, he’d think the cops, the FBI, the CIA and the ATF were going to kick down the door any minute and throw me in jail for years!

I haven’t actually mailed the letter yet. I want to wait till I’ll be up when he comes home. That way, I can pull the letter in right before he gets in if the mail’s late that day. It’s usually here before he gets in, but not always. Stacey was big on “norms.” Therefore I’d kind of like to mail it on a Tuesday which would get it to her on Friday or Saturday when she’s more likely to have more free time. She probably works weekdays. She’s probably still managing apartments too, and still married to the same person she was married to when I knew her. Who knows how many more kids she had, though? Not too many, I hope. She probably wouldn’t abuse them physically, but she’s gotta be a hell of a strict old tyrant who would make her kids feel the same way my mother did – anxious, inadequate, intimidated, etc. And God help her if any of them are gay, especially if her hatred towards me was on account of that. I figured it was either that, my appearance, my Jewish name, or she did like me and just couldn’t deal with it. People sometimes lash out at others they’re crushing on that they wish they weren’t, or that they can’t have.

Hopefully, the letter will only surprise Stacey and make her remember me for a while, maybe even a bit curious too, and won’t get her all paranoid or anything. Like I said, though, she could run to the cops with the letter every day for years; she’s got nothing she can hurt me with. I still think a response would be cool, even though I’d probably have a better chance of becoming president.

It is somewhat of a consolation to know that while I have to live with the memory of some pretty horrible people, some people like Stacey, that bitch Andi that she ganged up on me with, and the freeloaders who are no doubt still tormenting whoever they can, they have to live with me, too. I’ll forever be like a nasty chip in their brains. And I can never be deleted anymore than I can delete them!

I’ve thought about Stacey over the years every so often, and wonder whether or not she’s remembered me from time to time, too. I doubt it. But I’ve often heard it said that to seriously remember and think about someone, not just in a quick, fleeting thought, causes them to remember you as well.

Stacey, can you sense me thinking of you?

I doubt it.