Last night I woke up sweating around 3am. My comforters are too heavy but my fleece blanket is too light. I think I’ll try turning my heater off altogether before bed tonight.

Then I had a horrible dream I was charged with murder a few hours later. I seemed to be back down in Arizona and didn’t seem to know Tom either. I “ran into” my cousin Philip and we talked about getting an apartment together. I must’ve been desperate or something. Then I stepped outside a sliding door to spray the screen with bug spray in what seemed to be some sort of hotel. I loved the dry heat but hated being in Arizona with its crazy, discriminative laws. Then, as if to remind me of just how things are there, a bunch of cops drags me into this strange jail, telling me I’m being charged with the murder of this girl whose name I recognized from the book Mary and I wrote. It was an old neighbor she once had.

The jail seemed more like a hospital or a college dorm. The “inmates” were even allowed outside. But it was still a very horrible and depressing place. I had no support, no privacy, none of my belongings…nothing.

Then I ran into Mary herself of all people. I was surprised because I thought she was still in custody in Florida. I told her I’d been charged with her old friend’s murder and instantly I knew that somehow she was the one that killed her as she poured out a load of fake sympathy on me.

Deciding not to say anything just yet, I “ran into” my sister next, but she wasn’t an inmate. She could see I was upset and demanded to know what was wrong. “Ok, you’re going to find out soon enough anyway if it isn’t already all over the news,” I told her and proceeded to tell her of my charges. She fainted.

The dream ended with me reminding myself that I would be found guilty no matter what just for being a white Jew in Arizona and that I promised myself years ago that I would never let anyone victimize me ever again. I also reminded myself that I knew the shit would eventually hit the fan again in my life and that I would be better off dead. And so I knew it was time to look for a way to kill myself to escape a life of hell.

Boy, was I ever so glad to wake up from this one! So many times before in my life I’ve wished that I could wake up from whatever nightmare I was going through and see that it was just a nightmare after all. Well, I certainly got to do that last night, though I’d rather not have any, awake or asleep.

I’m not going to say whether I’m talking about a person or an object or something else, but sometimes I wonder why I get stuck wanting things I can never have. Does this happen to everyone? I’m not depressed or anything like that, but sometimes it gets frustrating when certain things are simply out of reach. Just totally impossible and not meant to be. Yet I seem to be in this situation at times throughout my life, like it or not, and regardless of the fact that it’s nothing I can control. Control it I would if I could. But the feelings of those involved are just as important as my own feelings, and so I just need to deal with it. It’s all I can do and it’s certainly nothing new. I’ve been through this before and I’m sure I’ll go through it again, and it won’t always be easy keeping my feelings to myself and suppressing the urge to say or do certain things, but sometimes we have to do what’s best and not what we want. The dreams I’ve kept secret don’t always tell the truth and if they have been, then I’m way off. Just way off.

Things change. Things always change. I bitch about this enough, don’t I? But some changes, believe it or not, are good ones. I just tend to focus on the annoying changes that my favorite websites often make. Yes, this is something I’ve definitely lived long enough to know. Not only do all good things come to an end, but nothing stays the same either. And so sooner or later something else will come up to divert my attention from this thing I cannot have (or at least the ways I cannot have it). It just may be something else I cannot have. sighs Some of us just can’t win.

And some of us just aren’t meant to succeed either. Yeah, my global poverty article shot to number 1 out of 62, but one of my articles was rejected for publication for $56 even though I had less than 30 competitors there. So you see? I’m free to succeed and climb to the top as long as there’s no money to be made. beats head

The only other shit going on was that I was in horrible pain throughout most of yesterday. Another tooth is acting up and it’s irritating my ear. I practically lived in a bottle of Aleve and it would make me so drowsy. So I was busy but not very productive yesterday because I had to keep lying down. Using mouthwash with antiseptic has helped my tooth a bit and today I’m a little better. If they don’t hire him on next month we’re just going to have to deal with my teeth on our own, even if it means swapping in old problems for new ones like usual. Yeah, I’m the one that gets punished for helping herself. :(

Oh, one more uncool thing – Jesse. He ran the bulldozer for a couple of hours yesterday, too. Nothing yet today, though, because it’s been foggy. We’re pretty sure he’s clearing brush and it smelled like he was burning some yesterday unless the smell was from his fireplace. He could also be gathering firewood. I just wish he wouldn’t spend so much time outdoors doing things, and of course tonight I’ll have to have the sound machines on to drown out the dogs because he’ll be in the city.

Got my perfume samples today and am enjoying trying them out and getting credit for leaving reviews on them.

Nane was cracking up yesterday because she wrote “lecker” on some beverage photo on her wall, a word I was unfamiliar with. She was laughing because I told her the first thing that came to mind was “licker,” though it really means “delicious.” So I learned another new word I had to look up.

Decided I didn’t want to be a blond anymore. I don’t like being 4-toned with dark brown roots, gray at the temples, dark blond up top and light brown on the bottom. If I go back to dark brown it’ll at least cover more evenly.

Not wanting any contact from any of my nieces tomorrow (having Tammy wish me a happy birthday on my wall or by email will be bad enough), I went to block them. Yeah, where I first wished I was an only child (and still do) now I wish I had no nieces. Lisa and Becky were easy to block, but since I couldn’t pull up Sarah’s profile, I’d say the little bitch beat me to it, LOL.

sighs Just as soon as my folks are gone I’ll dump ‘em all. The only reason I’m bothering with Tammy is that my folks will probably put her in charge of dispensing their will no matter what I say. The biggest thing is making sure she doesn’t get our physical address, but unlike the last time when we moved, there shouldn’t be anyone she can call (Miss Perfect) who will give her that info. If she could’ve sicced the pigs on me last year she would have. That’s how Tammy spites people that piss her off. But I escaped another round of legal abuse because she didn’t know where to send them.

Maliheh and I chatted last night and I guess we will tonight, too. I cannot believe I’ve become friends and chat every day with Maliheh B of all people! And even though all I am to her is just a friend. Yeah, I first figured that because she didn’t tell me to stop flirting with her, she just might like me too, but not saying so for some reason. But then I told her I would “take the hint” and curb the flirting and she didn’t tell me I didn’t have to do that either, so I guess that since she’s never responded to my flirting, that alone pretty much tells me something.

But why does she want to be my friend? I thought that on the off chance she might, I’d only hear from her once in a blue moon, not every day. Why are my feelings important to her all of a sudden? Maybe she has read more of my blog and story than I realize and likes me more than she’s even willing to admit. I just don’t know what’s what for sure where that girl’s concerned.

She was telling me that back when she was in high school her mother had neck pain which she eventually learned was due to a tooth infection. She too, has had tons of dental work done and figures she has about 5 or 6 grand more to go. Damn!

She still enjoys my articles, though I’m giving up on Helium again.

She and her students are also putting together a Christmas show.

She also said that the reasons she felt ripped off by the home organizer were that she asked her to buy her lunch, which she later regretted, and didn’t give her enough tips and advice.