Got up at 5pm, let the rat run around for an hour or so before Tom crashed, and now the night belongs to me, myself and I to do whatever. :) Well, I still gotta do some work, LOL.

Andy and I have been having fun on Formspring. One of his friends and I were Formspringing each other, too. They’re all big Stevie Nicks fans. I’m not as big of a fan as they are, but I do like some of her songs and Fleetwood Mac’s.

Molly hasn’t viewed my blog in days. It’s a miracle. A real miracle. I don’t expect it to last forever, though. I know all good things come to an end. But for now, it’s nice because even though my blog is public, it was a bit unnerving to have someone I don’t want a damn thing to do with view it dozens or even hundreds of times a day.

According to Tom, people at work are saying that when the rain stops and it dries out in springtime here, it leaves behind a lot of molds that turn into spores. When it’s windy like it was the other day, the spores get stirred up and blown around, causing allergy attacks like what I had a couple of days ago. My chest muscles are still sore from all that sneezing.

El Cocko took off a couple of hours ago and left me to have to deal with the barking. It’s not as consistent as it used to be when he’d take off at 4am, but still, if it’s your dog why should I have to hear it? Well, let’s put it this way - if we ever have a dog of our own and it’s barking its ass off when we’re out somewhere, I’m not going to feel the least bit sorry for those around us. :)

Oh, good. I think I hear Mr. Not Gonna Take Responsibility for my Own Damn Dogs When I’m Out’s truck roaring up the drive now. Or maybe not. Get back here you fucker!

I was really hoping he was settling into some kind of a predictable schedule so I could know when I could count on getting some peace, but I guess he doesn’t have much of a schedule after all. All I know is that he tends to be noisier in the mornings and that he better get his ass back tonight so I can watch a movie later on in peace. I always worry he’s gone somewhere overnight when it’s coming up on 8:00 and he’s still not back. When I heard him leave at 6:00 I thought he was just bringing his kid home and that he’d be right back. What is it, Friday night in his mind?

Okay, now it’s back for sure. So let’s see… I’ll be up till around 9am so that means I can have at least 11 hours of peace – yes!

Haven’t heard from Maliheh since Saturday, but that is okay. We know each other so well now that there’s just not much to say, LOL.

Later…

I swear I heard his truck come in a while ago. So then why are there still scattered fits of barking? sighs Why don’t I just keep the damn sound machines on all fucking night and forget about the nighttime being the peaceful time it usually is around here. Unless it’s raining or hot, the days are hit or miss. So it sucks when I can’t at least count on the nights being quiet.

Went back to thoughts.com but didn’t tell anyone. On her profile page there, Molly has a big announcement – I’ve stopped going to MyOpera and Formspring and bothering my former friends.

Now let’s see how long it lasts, not that I was ever a friend of hers.

Anyway, after I figured out their latest version (which will change any time now) I decided it’s got enough cool features and so I stopped blogging at OpenDiary and started there. I just hope Maliheh doesn’t find out about it, though I don’t think she will. It’s just that I’m a little more detailed over there than I am on Opera and talk about things I don’t always talk about on Opera because there I have not so much an unbiased crowd, but one that doesn’t have anyone in it that I know. It’s really only Maliheh I don’t want to know about it because her feelings are important to me. I know she wouldn’t want me writing about her, but figure that what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. This way I can still “be myself” in my own journal but not upset her. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if Kim and Aly stumbled upon it, but I’d rather they go to Opera where I can see them on the visitors’ list. Thoughts.com only has a hit counter. I can see where one would get a lot more viewers there, though, than on Opera.

Later…

Andy’s currently 50º colder, LOL, the poor guy!

I still can’t believe how huge and ugly Kim is, the poor girl. You know what that means. Yup. I can have aaalll the attention I want from her. She’s so big her cheeks practically rest upon her shoulders. I don’t see how she can get around and function carrying all that weight. There was a picture of her with a hoodie on, and with that and her glasses which are just as oversized as her face, she looks almost comical. I feel bad for her. Then again, do I really? I still say that anyone who lets themselves get that big can’t care all that much about their weight. Losing weight is hard having to deal with a hunger that pretty much never ends even if you do get a little “used” to dieting, but still, there’s no excuse for being that fat.

Later…

I just turned on the sound machines again, this time quite loud since I know Jesse might start up that fucking truck of his any minute now, idle it for 10 minutes, rev the engine, turn it off, then do it all again 15 minutes later as part of his strange morning ritual. Is he hoping to wake everyone up on this side of the mountain?

And is the grass really greener on the other side of it? I think not. And therefore I think today’s the day I shall give up my dream of owning a modest home somewhere and let my dream remain just what it is – a dream. The word must exist in the English dictionary for a reason, right?

Think about it, I told myself earlier. When have you ever really turned a dream into reality?

I’ve met a lot of goals in life and had a lot of fun experiences and surprises come my way. It’s not like it’s been all downhill for me or that I’m “giving up.” I’m just trying to be realistic. Some people really do get their dreams, though. Some people get to have the kid they once thought they wanted. Some people get to have the careers they once wanted. Some people get to have the women (or men) they want, even if it’s just a lust thing.

But whenever I’m so lucky as to come close to achieving a dream, something up there takes away whatever I obtain. Except for Tom, I seem to lose all things good. Maricopa became a very bad and dangerous place to live. Arizona may have a lot of problems as a whole, but losing our house and land like we did really hurt and it still does, even if, as Tom pointed out, something up there was also looking out for us in a twisted kind of way.

Then we lost our land in Oregon and our dream to build our own home. Again, it was so damn cold and snowy up there that that too, worked out for the better. But see the pattern there? I surely see it. Even if we could buy a house right now, I’d only worry about losing it all the time, especially if it wasn’t an old, ugly noisy dump. It seems the more I like a place the easier it is to lose it. It’s safer to just stay renting someone else’s tiny little dumpy trailer and to just put up with the annoying landlord and dogs that go with it. I wonder if it was actually foolish of me to think we’d be forced to choose between homelessness and death back when we were on Unemployment and I was worried the benefits would run out before he got a job, knowing that I just can’t seem to lose the places that aren’t on the top of my list. This isn’t a bad town or a bad place to live. But it’s not ours, Jesse and his dogs drive me crazy at times, the place is old and we have shit for space. I’m a super organized and neat person yet often it’s hard to find things in here because we have to have so much stuff jammed into such a tiny space because there’s simply no room to spread it out. I have to move 20 things just to get to one thing most of the time. I have to pick and choose what I want and where when it comes to the big stuff because there’s no room to have more than one thing in a certain area. If the rat cage and computer desk are by the back wall of the living room, then the couch can’t be in that area, too.

I miss having space and a more modern place to live, but that’s just not meant to be in our case. Would we have had to rent little dumps like we’ve had to do since 2004 if this wasn’t how we were meant to live?

So I will give up my dream – and that’s exactly what it is – and just forget about buying a place. Buying new furniture, picking out our own carpet – that’s just a dream. Hell, I couldn’t even get the carpet I wanted when we bought our last place. I wanted champagne pink, not denim blue. But the manufactured home company didn’t have my goddamn champagne pink carpet.

looks down at what’s someone else’s stained coffee-colored carpet and sighs Dreams are dreams, reality is reality.

It’s been over a year now since I last heard from Mary (no sense in calling her Sabrina anymore online). Inmates are often encouraged – make that threatened – not to associate with anyone who’s ever been in jail before, and so I suspect that’s why I stopped hearing from her. She’s not the type to just dump people, and if she is, then wow. She had me fooled. Whatever the reason is doesn’t matter. I was just thinking of her and how horrible her pre-jail/prison life was. Much worse than my worst of times in many ways. If something up there doesn’t like me, it sure as hell hates the shit out of her. It has in the past anyway. I just hope she’s okay and that she really is released this summer like I heard she would be. And that she succeeds and is happy and doesn’t go back to the bad boys and baby-popping thing. It was all she knew; to fall for abusive guys and to “collect” kids.