It’s barely after 4am and there’s a dusting of snow out there. So we didn’t escape it after all which sucks. :( I did not come here for this shit! Why is it snowing in mid-February in not-so-very-northern Cal??? It’ll be gone as soon as the sun comes up, but it’s still not a pretty sight to see when you hate the shit as much as I do.

Tom thinks the outbreak of mold in the closet is due to us not using the main heater. I guess it could be. We didn’t have this problem the first two winters here and I used to keep the door open. It’s a pretty big closet and so I started closing the door figuring it’d be less space to have to heat that way.

I extradited Barbie from the chamber of horrors yesterday. The mold hadn’t gotten to her, but I didn’t want to give it more time for it to decide to pick on her.

When Tom pulled in the day before yesterday Whiskey was hanging around down here wanting to play, but Tom didn’t want to get all muddy either since it was raining, so he had to shoo him away.

I received a homemade Valentine’s card from Eileen that’s really nice. She glued a pink heart on the cover with a pink gemstone in the center of it. Pink is my favorite color.

Tom is now thinking he may not be hired till July. I’ll explain why later but this shouldn’t hinder us from moving this summer as planned.

Nane’s still ignoring me and Maliheh’s been busy, I guess, setting up her new computer.

Later…

The nasty dusting of snow that mostly picked on the shed, car and Jesse’s hideous fake strips of grass was gone by 9:00. I hope this doesn’t happen again while we’re here!

They like to hire people in groups at work rather than one at a time, and it hit Tom yesterday that they may not hire him till July if they hire people quarterly like they seem to do because there might not be enough time between now and April for all the paperwork. While we were hoping he’d be hired earlier – and he still might be – it shouldn’t delay the move because we can still save up for the move between now and then. All we’re waiting on is to find out how much more he may be making so we can know what our options are. We can still afford to move with him making what he’s making right now, but if they give him a significant raise, then the options as to where we could go goes up.

Every time I think I’ve seen all there is to see in the bedroom closet, more nightmares become exposed. There was tons of mold on the front wall so I found today when I cleared that section of it out. We got some more Lysol this morning and Tom sprayed it real good. It’s just bound to keep coming back till the weather gets warmer and dryer.

I’m really getting sick of Andy’s “You should’ve gone to work with Tom that day” and “Excuses, excuses. You’ve worked before with a sleep disorder, you can do it again. You just hate people so much is the real reason you won’t work outside the home. And you hate being told what to do.”

No, the truth is that the sleeping disorder gets worse with age (I told him this, too), and yeah, I hate people but don’t mind being told what to do if people will pay me for it and not treat me poorly while I’m at it. I may not like whatever it is they want me to do, but I’ll do it if it means being paid for it.

Andy’s not the only one with this shitty attitude about those who work at home and online, even though it’s true that you can’t make as much online. Women have been pressured to postpone or skip motherhood and to work (outside of the house) for many years now.

Tom and I never cared which one of us got us the money to live on as long as one of us got it in the first place, but others don’t see it that way. They think both people should be out there working, even though it’s not like I don’t work. Doing dishes, cleaning the house, washing the laundry and working online is still work. But nearly being assaulted in jail by that crazy Nancy taught me just how strongly people feel about people being out there working.

What’s disappointing is that this is the old Andy I’m seeing here. The one that I thought changed and is able to take people at face value. Yet he insists that the real reason I don’t want to work is that I hate people. Now why oh why wouldn’t I just come out and tell him that if that were so? The truth can’t hurt me so why tell people my reasons for something are other than what they really are? Yet one could make a million bucks from home and that’s still not considered working. It’s never a real job unless it’s out of the house. That’s why Nancy even condemned the idea of us farming part of our land; because it was still at home, though she was crazy and probably would’ve picked on me for something else if it weren’t that.

Then I decided that if he can have his imaginary Fire Flies band, I can have an imaginary job. One that goes beyond the Turk and household chores. I can’t tell people I have an out-of-home job while we’re still here because I’ve already mentioned not being on a bus line, not that people pay enough attention to what I say to remember that. But just in case they do, I’ll get a job when we move.

Normally I will be myself. I don’t tell others how to live and I expect the same from them. Push me, pressure me, hassle me and I back the fuck off. But this may be one small white lie (well, maybe gray) that might be worth it and I don’t see how it could hurt anyone. All it can do is keep people off my ass. They’ll judge me for something else, I know, and still find things to complain about since that’s just how some people are, but homemakers seem to draw a lot more complaints and judgment as opposed to some other things in life.

What “job” shall I pick out for myself, though? I don’t want anything as low as flipping burgers, housekeeping or babysitting, but I obviously can’t be anything too fancy after being a homemaker for a million years. I wouldn’t return to dancing even if I were still young and skinny, so that’s out. So what can I do that’s interesting but reasonable enough with my lack of work history? Hmm… maybe I should just answer phones at a detective agency. :)

Mom just called to say she’s sending a box of clothes. She said she must’ve been out of her mind when she got them and that they vary in size and some still have their tags on, and to give anything I can’t use to Goodwill. Well, I’ll probably just leave it here for Maryann, but that’s very nice of her.

At nearly 79 years of age, it’s still hard to tell how “with it” she is. I can’t always tell if she’s going senile or if she really knows what she’s saying. I know her thinking process is slower, but I still wonder if she’s fully aware of what’s going on and what she’s saying.

I asked if they were moving and she immediately cut me off and said she would not discuss it or the end and that I just have to trust her.

But what is she talking about? What end? And trust her with what?

Dad had said a while back that it was quiet where they live, but she says they hear everything. This is too bad. I thought it was peaceful there, but it’s not unheard of for a place to start off peaceful, then get noisy when the wrong people decide to move in. It always happens to us. Things start off okay, then 4-6 months later the okay neighbors get noisy or move and are replaced with not-so-okay neighbors.

She asked if the landlord would get us a newer trailer, LOL. There’s no room for that, not that Jesse would spring for that or that we could afford it. She said she understood, though, why we want to move and how frustrating the lack of space can be and only having one bathroom.

She asked if I started my teeth yet, but I said we were going to wait till we were insured. Besides, if we deal with that now, that’ll delay the move big time.

Remember the good times and how happy I once was to come out here, she said, and try to avoid having neighbors alongside us and try to stay in the rural areas that I like.

Oh yeah, I told her, it hasn’t all been sour grapes here. We’re just sick of it here. I told her about the mold too, and how we’re going to try to avoid getting too close to people. I don’t think we’ll be able to, though. What we want isn’t exactly going to be this secluded.

If retirement communities are going to be just as bad as the mainstream, though, maybe we ought to just hope to buy a big enough piece of land. All I know is that where there are people there is noise. No one in this world is quiet but us. The only time I’m “noisy” is when I blast my music, but I don’t have to do that. I can be considerate enough to wear headphones. It’s just a shame that so few others are willing to return the same kind of consideration.

I wish I loved noise and people! There’d never be a shortage of nice apartments that even we could afford. Never.