Maliheh has only just now recovered from being sick. She said part of the reason it took longer was that she’s older. I got to thinking about those I love and care for who are getting older. I have a few cyber friends who are younger than me, but most of the people I’ve actually met and who are very near and dear to me are older. Just watching them get older is kind of sad. I know that none of us are exempt from aging and dying, but it’s still sad. The thought of one day learning of their deaths saddens me, but I will hope that they’ll live on somehow in a different form. I’m still not sure if I believe in the afterlife, but if there is one, I hope it’s better there than here.

In some ways, it sucks that I’ve been “cheated” out of dying of natural causes in the end. But while I don’t know when I’m going to die, I know how I’m going to die. Unless I get hit with some surprise disease or injury or maybe murdered by some ax-wielding maniac, I doubt Tom will outlive me, and I know I would kill myself the moment I learned of his death. Even with all the money in the world, I wouldn’t want to live without him. I think the only thing that might stand a tiny chance of getting me to live on after he died would be if someone else I loved begged me to and would be willing to not pick up where Tom left off but to be there for me. I mean literally there for me. In person. Not in electronic form or even by phone. But physically there for me. This is highly unlikely to happen, though, and so I just have to accept the fact that I cannot and will not carry on without Tom, and therefore it’s also very unlikely that I’ll get to die of natural causes, too. Instead, it will be suicide; the same thing that nearly killed me almost 30 years ago.

If you think loving one person that’s likely to die first is rough enough, try loving two people that are older. I’ve figured that even though that second special person is older too (Maliheh), I won’t have to go through the sorrow of losing them when their earthly existence expires. I figured this because women live longer than men. Well, if they’re the same age, wouldn’t that mean that I would lose Tom first, thus take my own life and then get to skip out on the heartache of losing them, too?

Then again I suppose anyone who might – and I must emphasize the word might – have read this much of this rather sad entry is starting to wonder just what kind of a loony I may be, LOL. But if being saddened by the idea of losing those I love and hoping to dodge having to experience the loss of both of them and having to endure the double whammy that would bring means that I’m loony, then yeah, I’m a real loony tune. And with my perfect pitch, that’s one hell of a tune. :)

Today’s been filled with the usual vehicle racket from Jesse, and barking, though not much barking. The nuisance is out on its Harley now and hopefully it will stay out and its damn dogs will stay quiet for a good long time.

I’m up to the Ms with my MP3 backups.

Wonder who left the comment saying that the only people who care are just as narcissistic as me and to please give up my blog? Someone connected to Molly? The closest match I came up with was someone in New Jersey who came in on a search for “cyberbullying.”

“Kate” told one of Molly’s friends just what an ass she is, and told Molly herself to fuck off. Molly unfriended “Kate” and then “Kate” blocked her. “Kate” still punishes Molly by fucking with her every now and then on Thoughts and Ask but not KB lately. I just never use any of these sites. Thoughts and KB have blocks, but I don’t care for these sites, and since Formspring, which has a block, is just like Ask, why bother with Ask? I’m sure she’s still checking my old account for reactivation every few minutes, though.

I just started proofreading my 1995 journal filled mostly with the confusion and frustration that went with Tom’s lack of cumming so much of the time and whether or not he truly wanted a kid.

After all these years, do I think he deliberately held back in bed and didn’t want a kid? I don’t think he wanted a kid deep down but would’ve been a great father had we had one. As for the lack of cumming, I’m not sure. Although I had yet to hear of this type of problem at the time where the guy gets hard but doesn’t cum, research later taught me that such a condition does exist. At the same time, he seemed awfully content with the way he was, so I can’t say for sure that he kept himself from cumming. I just don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t know either. If he had a mental block deep down in his subconscious, then he may never have been aware of it.

I just know I totally resent God for allowing me to go through such stress, frustration and depression over the situation like I did for so long, even though things worked out for the better in the end. I don’t know that I could ever forgive Him for it just the same. That was quite a biggie. It drove me crazy for years.

I also wish so many guys (since it’s common for guys to not want kids) wouldn’t say they did just to please the woman, even if they don’t mean to hurt them and I know Tom didn’t mean to hurt me. I just don’t think they understand and realize that there’s a big difference between saying they’ll clean the kitchen or they’ll take out the trash when they really won’t, versus saying they want a kid when in fact they’d rather not have one.