It’s raining like crazy now. Yay, they pulled the snow off the forecast!

I wish I’d hear from Nane more often, but I’m finding lately that when I do I quickly get bored with her. I guess she (and this is totally understandable) prefers those she can see in person.

Molly created yet another Facebook profile which I ran and blocked as soon as Kim alerted me to it. The first thing Molly does is try to add her and everyone else that doesn’t want anything to do with her, though believe it or not, I don’t think she’s aware of my Facebook profile because she’s never contacted me there. She contacts me everywhere else, so why wouldn’t she there too, if she knew how?

When and if he ever gets hired on, assuming we could still afford it, it’s going to be tough deciding whether or not to stay or go. I want to do both. I know we’re always going to have to hear something no matter where we go since we’re simply not allowed to live in peace. It’s just not in our cards. But some places are obviously worse than others which may seem quieter at first. You can move in with good neighbors who turn around and move a few months later only to be replaced with the neighbors from hell. And what if the neighbor’s barking dogs don’t respond to me yelling at them to shut up like these do even if it’s only for a while?

I’d hate to give up this kind of seclusion and privacy and don’t want to go back to where people may come to our door, or where there are other sources of noise that can be unpredictable. Here I pretty much know there’s going to be loud vehicles and barking and I pretty much know when, too. I also know that as annoying as Jesse can be, he’s going to be flexible next time we hit a rough patch and have to split the rent.

But if we move – yes, bigger would be nicer – we could be taking a real gamble. I’m tired as hell of being stuffed in this bummy old trailer. I miss being in a real house. God, do I miss it! But I’ve seen enough of a pattern to know that the nicer/quieter a place is the more likely we are to lose it. In order to get even a small house that’s still bigger than this, it would cost us $300 - $500 more and I’d hate to take risks like that and have every last dime go into the place. What if he were ever laid off again?

It’s going to be a seriously tough decision to make assuming we ever get to be in the driver’s seat of our lives and have some say in the matter. Barking and loud vehicles are bad enough. And while I’d love an extra room and an extra half-bath, I don’t want to go back to adding the car stereos and the screaming kids into the mix either.

Funny how I worried we’d lose this place back when he was on Unemployment when the real case is that we’re stuck here. Better to be stuck somewhere than without a place, but I should’ve figured as much. When have we ever lost a place we didn’t like or at least didn’t care much for? I tell you, only the good places are hard to stay in! So bigger may not necessarily be better.

I don’t see how Tom can think “it’s over” as far as our poor spells go when we’ve had so damn many. If we went 3-5 years without any problems then I’d think the pattern was finally broken, but that’s not how it usually works. And him having the same job for the rest of his life may be unrealistic to hope for, too. Almost everyone eventually gets fired or laid off from their jobs if they stay there long enough.

Either way, no need for more than 2 bedrooms because I have to have the stereo in the bedroom cuz the sound machines aren’t loud enough for sleeping. If Jesse didn’t exist, they would be, but he does. And if we were in a retirement community or on our own 5-10 acres, they would be there too, but again, this is pure fantasy. I know that the sooner I accept this, the easier my life will be. We just gotta roll with the punches and deal with what fate throws at us. In our case, it’s old bummy rentals that can get noisy at times. Few more years and we’ll be renting longer than we’ve owned.

All pros and cons and risks aside, I had an interesting dream about a house that was very quick, but very vivid. It left me feeling like it meant something, and even though it was just for a few seconds, I saw a lot in those few seconds.

It appeared to be a 2-story house which doesn’t make sense as vivid as it was and despite the “feeling” it left me with. I don’t see how we could afford a 2-story, and 2-stories are rather scarce in the West. They’re much more common in the East, especially in New England.

I couldn’t tell the age or the condition of the place, but it seemed to be a squarish-shaped house, not overly big, and perhaps with 2 bedrooms, though I never “saw” the upstairs. I got the feeling it may’ve been a tooth house, closely set to others. I seemed to be sitting at a wide, but shallow desk in front of my computer which was in front of a staircase. The living room stretched out behind me. The kitchen was to my right and there may’ve been another room off the right of the kitchen. I don’t know if it had a cellar, but I’d guess not. Again, that’s not too common out west. I looked toward the front door in front of the stairs. It had a half-moon window at the top of it. From where I sat, I could see the top of some kind of overhang or porch. The sun was setting. I thought to myself that if someone were tall enough, they could stand out there and watch us at night and we’d never know it but wasn’t worried about it.

At first I thought it made no sense to have my computer set up in the living room, but yeah, it kind of does when I think about it. I don’t need both my computers together anymore since we’ve gone wireless, so I could have the computer in the living room while the stereo and laptop were in the bedroom. And a wide shallow desk is exactly what I have.

Later…

The rain will keep Jesse from doing any projects on the land today, but the dogs are going to go crazy once he leaves.