All I remember for dreams last night was a dark brown rat that resembled a younger, healthier Romeo resting on the carpet by the wall. I said something to Tom like, “Aw, isn’t that so cute?” 

One of my parents (dad?) may’ve been in my dreams too, but I don’t remember any details. 

It’s still cold and rainy, and the levothyroxine is already thinning my hair out. Might stop dying it for a while because the dye adds to the thinning. Being old and gray is one thing, but old and gray and bald? Well, I may not care what others think, but I sure am selfish enough to care what I think. 

Would I be ok if I stayed the same weight forever? Absolutely. But after thinking about it for a few months I decided a change, for variety’s sake, wouldn’t hurt and am seriously considering doing Nutrisystem next year. No matter how many times you try to explain to people that how much you eat is just as important – if not more important – than what you eat and how much you exercise, they don’t get it. They just don’t get it, even though cutting off those extra calories can be extremely difficult. It leaves you tired and hungry as hell, but is usually the only way to lose the total desired amount of weight, especially us older folks. Nonetheless, Tom and I get it. We’re active, we eat healthy most days, but we both eat way too much. It’s going to be hard to stick to day after day, week after week, month after month, but the food is great and provides great variety for those of us who aren’t great cooks. 

In my younger days I could lose on 1400-1500 calories, but these days I gotta drop it to 1000-1200 given my height, age and gender. But that’s only IF I decide to go for it. I’ve got a month to think about it. Like I said, keeping the extra 20-30 pounds won’t kill me either, and smaller amounts are actually harder to lose. The more you have to lose the easier it usually is in the beginning till you get down to those last 20-30 pounds or so. 

So do I or don’t I? And will my bum thyroid even let me succeed? Well, should I fail to succeed the money at least won’t be wasted because the food is still going to get eaten either way. 

I was cracking up at Tom earlier who said, “If I did Nutrisystem for a month I’d be out of food in just two weeks because of how small the portions are.” LOL, but it works if you can stand to stick it out and your hypothyroidism doesn’t get in the way!

We now know what happened to our Romeo ratty. I thought he was dying when I first saw him struggling to move since he is old. Then I thought he had a stroke, but came to have my doubts because his motor skills worked just fine even though he seemed to have lost the use of his back legs. It’s actually only one back foot that he lost. I don’t know how the hell this happened, but the other day (until recently I was afraid to get too close to him or move him in case he was in pain although he didn’t appear to be), his foot looked almost like it was shriveled up and as if his toes were rotted away. I know it sounds gross. I guess he somehow injured it, and animals then instinctively chew away the dead or rotted areas to keep from getting infections or gang green. Totally gross, I know, but I’m just sorry he suffered at least initially and I never even knew it. 

Slept in most of the morning. It’s been rainy and quiet. We decided not to paint the bathrooms today. We’re not only not in the mood, but it’s better to have bright sunlight for that sort of thing. Instead, we worked out and my heart responded normally. Still don’t know for sure what makes it boom so fiercely at times. I guess it’s either the thyroid or anxiety because no one who’s listened to my heart lately has heard anything wrong with it. I will just stick to working out with Tom for a while. 

Had tons of dreams but only remember a few. I’ll write them down later on. 

Got two voice messages from my sister and a text from Andy. Andy said the router’s fucked up and Linda doesn’t have a desktop. Then he and his nieces went to a café with Internet access and he checked in on Ask. 

Tammy's shopping around for a new car but being very picky and selective about it, which is a good thing. She’s still sore but recovering, and also asked if I knew what happened to Natalie and Al from the beach. They were another couple that used to be friends with my parents and owned a cottage right by ours. Andy said Al died in 2008. Also, some guy named Charlie is in our old cottage now and I guess he isn’t very nice. 

Later… 

So I was reading this article on why Maui living is cheaper than you think and a lot of it makes sense. There are things you wouldn’t think of, like how you go, “OMG, gas is so expensive there!” But how far do you actually drive in Maui? 

I think it would depend on what we would personally have to give up, as anyone would have to think about when considering that kind of a move. I still highly doubt it will happen, but yes, I would take an old dumpy place there if it was on the beach and there weren’t other houses an arm’s reach away. Otherwise, I would insist on a senior area. It’s definitely cheaper to rent too, instead of owning. Might not be many places for bike riding there, and I would want to know if dogs were treated as pets there. If they’re not pets, then what’s the point of renting some cute little affordable cottage on the beach if Fido’s going off round the clock to the left, and Spot’s doing the same thing to the right? Dogs must be pets there and pets only and not outdoor decorations, senior area or not! Wonder if they’re considered pets in Florida? They do have to be brought in as pets only where my sister is. They’ll really get on you if you leave them outside or let them run around loose on no leash, so she’s said. 

Still getting dizzy and sluggish at times, but anything’s better than a booming heart. 

It just occurred to me that I have never ever seen the lady across from our carport. Tom’s seen her once or twice, which is how we know there’s just a single woman over there. I’ve looked into her carport and seen her red SUV absent here and there, but I’ve never actually seen her. She doesn’t have much company or take off very often, but she has more company than next door. 

Two nights or so ago, I had a dream I was in the middle of some kind of group meeting or class. The woman heading it asked me what my weight was and I said, “Oh, about 105-110,” which was weird. I would never lie about my weight or my age or things like that. I tell it like it is without caring what others think. 

Then I had a dream my mother was alive and called to tell me about a couple who died, but I had no idea who the people were she was talking about. 

In last night’s dreams, I was either visiting or living in Florida and I was telling my sister about the Nutrisystem program I was joining. In reality, I am considering signing up next year and losing 20-30 pounds or so if I can get my body to do it. For the last several years I’ve only cared about being fit but haven’t done anything to actually lose weight. Maybe now it’s time, for variety’s sake, to shed a little blubber. I have another month or so to think about it. Even if I couldn’t stand to do it for very long or if my thyroid prevented me from succeeding, and it very well might, the food would still be eaten and so the money wouldn’t be wasted. Health, happiness, and fitness are still more important to me than numbers on a scale, but the food was delish and it couldn’t hurt to try it for a month. 

In another dream, Tom and I were moving all over again from our Phoenix house like we did in 1999. Only difference was that it had two floors in the dream. Tom was kind of sad, saying that the house held good memories, like how it was where we got married. Not literally where we got married, which was really in Vegas, but it was the house we lived in at the time. I pointed out that the house had shitty memories too, like what the welfare bums next door put us through.

In the last dream, I remember, we had a female and a male rat. We came home one night after being out somewhere and saw baby ratties present. We were baffled since the female and the male lived in separate cages. The female rat, which I picked up, was solid black. I inspected her for signs of having just had a litter, but she was pretty thin. So in the end we decided that someone broke in while we were out and deposited the babies in both cages, LOL.

Survived the first day back on the levothyroxine and have taken my second dose this morning. 

After I got up this morning we went to the lab. The girl who attempted to draw blood first had no luck. I don’t know if she missed the vein or what, but she had some guy come and do it and he had no problem. I don’t have any bruising or anything, but of course my heart started pounding for a minute there. I hate the tourniquet more than the needle, and the longer it takes them to find my miniature little veins, the longer it’s on. Tom remembered how they used a pediatric anesthesiologist when I had ear surgery in the '90s due to my tiny veins, but I don’t remember that. I take his word for it, though! I just remember I wet the bed since my 1-hour operation turned into a 5-hour operation, haha. 

I just hope my cholesterol levels are down since I started eating smarter. I really don’t want to go back on statins. 

Tom put the gear wheel on my bike yesterday. It will take some getting used to because you have to pedal more to go the same distance. Later on, we’re going out bike riding and hopefully, my heart will behave. My heart was racing a couple of days ago and I realized that if I had been on the bike or treadmill, or got on it at that time, that that would mean being in for quite a beat fest. 

Tom’s been having fun with his new toy – his 3D printer. I’m going to have him print a box for the rats to burrow in. Hoodie’s being an asshole. He’s not only taking food up to the higher levels of the cage knowing the others are too disabled to climb, but he jumps on their paper boxes and crushes them. The young fit furry bastard couldn’t care less about his roommates, LOL. 

Later... 

I saw that Duolingo added Dutch to their list of language courses and decided to jump in and start learning. Since I already know quite a bit of German, it shouldn’t be too hard because it’s so closely related to that language. Probably just as ugly, but learning languages is what I do. Wish I could get myself to focus on just my Spanish since multiple languages tend to “fuse” together and want to compete with each other within the brain, but I’ve now lost count of how many languages I’ve studied. I’m not fluent in most of them, but I know enough to get by. 

I’ve been horribly tired the last couple of days and I don’t get why. I didn’t have fatigue before going on the thyroid pills and now I do? WTF? Not sure what’s causing it, but hopefully I’ll feel perkier tomorrow so I can do more things. I’ve been so lazy today. We’re all entitled to a lazy day here and there, and it felt good to relax when I wasn’t doing laundry or out bike riding, getting blood drawn, or doing some grocery shopping, but I want my energy back! 

I shut the door because Tom is 3D printing now and the thing not only kinda stinks, but it makes this sick, alien sound that’s almost creepy. 

We rode the bikes over a mile and I can definitely say that the gear wheel makes a huge difference. You still get a good workout, though, and don’t feel like you’re “cheating.” My heart got a little boom-happy on the way up the “rollercoaster” as I call the highest point in the park, but coasting down it, I got to relax and let it simmer down. 

No more going out alone, though. I’m not even going to exercise alone in the house. He has to be here and awake, but he’s more than ok with that because he wants to join me on my workouts anyway. Tomorrow we’ll work out together again but do different things. He’ll do the Wii and I’ll do my strength training and then run it off on the treadmill a bit. I’m glad he doesn’t mind the motivation and the company because I do NOT feel comfortable working out alone. Not until I can go a while without any anxiety attacks overworking my already elevated heart. 

I haven’t felt anxious in a while now. I’m hoping that the longer I can be on the meds without incident and get comfortable with my new doctors, the more it’ll ease my anxiety. 

Later… 

Today ended up being a good mix of productivity and laziness between the two of us. We went to a dollar store after the lab, but most of what they had was total crap, though I did get a blue-patterned hair barrette and some cranberry-cherry body mist. Tons of Christmas decorations too, and I still don’t understand why I’m seeing this shit in November. Seriously, it’s not even December yet, but as soon as we headed next door to do the grocery shopping we had to listen to nothing but Christmas songs the whole time. Thank goodness I don’t work there. That’d drive me crazy to have to listen to that for two months straight! The day after New Year’s and out will come the Valentine’s Day shit. The day after that, out comes the Easter shit. If Christmas were the only holiday, would we start seeing decorations and singing Christmas carols in January? 

I have more to bitch about but I’m getting a bit tired. Oh well, let me bitch about my toe first. The ingrown toenail has definitely grown back and now I’m pissed that my old doc, sexy or not, didn’t do it right the first time around. Instead of “seeing if this would do the trick” and then promising to “really get it good” if it grew back, couldn’t she have done it right the first time so that I wouldn’t waste money and eventually have to deal with this shit all over again?

I started to wonder if something might’ve happened to Andy along the way, but he “liked” one of my Facebook posts, so I know he’s alive and well. Hopefully, he’s enjoying his vacation. 

Between Tom and I, and as Tom pointed out, we wonder if maybe he felt a little jealous seeing all we have which is WAY more than he’ll ever have, and if that got him a bit depressed. 

I’m back on the levothyroxine and hoping for the best. 

Tom printed a 3D swan yesterday. It’s blue. I’ll add some pink glitter polish to it and give it some sparkle later on. 

Took a nap yesterday and it was so nice to just be able to feel tired and allow myself to nap without having to worry about schedules or anything like that. It was also nice to let my body sleep as long as it needed to today. No pushing myself to stay up. No pushing myself to be up at certain times. 

Did a light 15-minute workout when Tom got home. Won NaNoWriMo too, and am now doing the editing. 

Tammy is recovering from her car accident and the girls are excited about getting an apartment in the area. She and Mark got them new beds. 

I learned from Andy that Charlotte’s Alzheimer’s disease has advanced and she’s now in a nursing home. His mother went to see her, but Charlotte only remembers her from when they were younger. “I didn’t know they were friends,” I said to Andy, but Andy said they’re not. Then why did she go see her? I asked, and others asked the same thing. I guess Judy kinda misses what they once had together before my mother and some of her fellow phonies in their little “high school clique” came and messed things up. My parents – especially my mother – really made life hell for some people. The way my parents pit people against others, including their own kids, was appalling in every sense of the word. As a 10-year-old kid, I didn’t get it, but as an adult looking back, I am ashamed and disgusted by the immaturity, the competition, and the needless backstabbing that went on during those summer getaways at the beach. 

Later… 

Anyway, it’s official! The Maui dream is on! Although this dream has a 0.1% chance of becoming a reality, I would love to be able to retire in Maui one day depending on how the money goes between now and retirement. That and other things. I still love the idea of moving to Florida and would gladly take that over staying in Cali for the rest of our lives, but why go for the silver if we can have the gold? And Maui WAS gold! 

As soon as I stepped off the plane I knew it was my special little spot in the universe. It was this magical sense of perfection and belonging that I felt every single day. The weather was perfect, there was an abundance of color everywhere, and the areas we swam in had waves big enough to keep things lively, but not so big they drowned you. There were no bustling freeways and the atmosphere was so laid back. No one was in a hurry and crime barely existed. 

The only negative was money. Not everyone there was rich, mind you, as the Walmart employees would be sure to confirm, but those are the ones that live in nothing little apartments. 

Again, unlike my dream of escaping New England, and then my Cali dream which went dormant when I made it to Arizona until the first Oregon snowflake rekindled it, I highly doubt this one’s achievable. Florida should be doable, but not Maui. Still, I won’t let go of it till he retires and we see how things are at that time. All my past dreams were either realized or faded with time for a number of different reasons. This one probably won’t fade, but it’s ok if it doesn’t get realized as much as I’d like it to since there is still Florida and I definitely want to live in a tropical climate someday, the one climate I have yet to live in. Florida’s climate fluctuates a bit more than Maui's, but it sure is cheaper. 

I felt like I found my ideal place on earth when I first moved to Arizona, but that was different. Anyone moving to a warm climate for the first time in their life would no doubt feel like they’d found their perfect home. But after living in and visiting different parts of the country, as well as other countries, I can truly say that Maui is it. If there’s any place better than that, then I don’t know about it right now. 

For now, even though California has its faults, and even though the winters are a bit chillier than I’d like, I’m going to enjoy the wonderful things I have here that I never thought we’d live to have. I have a big beautiful house in a middle to upper-class neighborhood filled with all kinds of fun/valuable things that many can only dream of. Most importantly I have true love at my side and am relatively healthy and fit. Got a thyroid that likes to be underactive and a heart that likes to be overactive, but nothing’s killed me yet.

I would love to go work out now, but not after yesterday proved I can still get these strange random booming heartbeats no matter what type of exercise I do. Maybe I’ll do a light workout when Tom gets in. After I go to the lab, probably on Friday, I will mention it in more detail to my new doctor and see if she can shed some light on why this is happening. 

I’m surprised I still haven’t gotten any texts or messages from Andy. I hope that means he’s busy having a blast! I’ll finish up with Andy's visit before the workers arrive across the street and disrupt the peace. 

So we picked him up at the train station, went to eat, went walking around the park, then we came back and chatted. He had many questions for Tom regarding his new Kindle HD, which he mostly uses to post pics in one of his 3 gay groups on Facebook. 

I was mistaken in thinking he’d come from his friend Juliet’s place. He actually came from Linda’s. Linda and his mother live in Alameda, and Marla lives in Hayward. He’ll still be seeing Juliet and will be in Cali till the first, and then he will be seeing his brothers in Florida in January. So, two vacations this winter for him. 

I was a bit surprised to hear him say that he was thinking of moving to the Bay area because he’d have more business opportunities there. It’s just that he’s sworn his condo would be his permanent home. Oh well. Things change. People change. It’s got to be up to him, and as I told him, be sure he thinks it through because he may never have the opportunity to own a place ever again. He understands this, though, and knows there are pros and cons to both renting and owning. He could get around 40k for his place and stay with Linda till he built up enough business. 

I crashed at around 9pm and they crashed an hour or two after that. 

Andy and I got up at 5am, and Tom got up a half-hour later. I could’ve slept longer, but I figured Andy would be up, and even though I knew he’d be just fine by himself for an hour or two, I wanted to get up anyway. 

Andy insisted that although he’s harmless, the ghost of the guy who last lived here was roaming the living room all night long and that he saw a flash of light in the kitchen or something like that. I don’t doubt that he can sense ghosts, but Tom and I both think it’s more likely a case of him just being in a new place and hearing things he’s not used to hearing. Maybe a touch of paranoia too, LOL. 

So we each did our thing online for a while, showered and then went to Denny’s. I wanted to try their peanut butter and hot fudge pancakes for the first time, and damn were they good! 

After Denny’s, we came home and chatted till it was time to take him to the train station. We laughed over old pranks we pulled and remembered our frustrating moments in gay bars. In my case, I got a lot of rejection for being both short and feminine. I was once an exotic dancer, just to give you an idea of how feminine I was/am. But I wasn’t about to throw away my heels, skirts and makeup and then run and cut my hair off just to please anyone. Most of them weren’t what I wanted anyway, not just because many of them had problems be it with drugs, alcohol or just life, but because I rarely go for that boyish or butchy look. If I did, couldn’t I have just gotten a man? But we did have our fun moments, especially doing karaoke, which I sometimes won. Yes, I was a singer and dancer before I turned into a writer. I’ve always liked to write; I just hadn’t made it my main focus till I met and married Tom. He’s the one that got me hooked on computers. This was back in the spring of 1993. 

Anyway, I spent the remainder of yesterday depressed, curious and frustrated over the latest exercise-induced heart boomer, so Tammy's call really cheered me up. I appreciated her words of kindness and encouragement. I really miss the days when I could simply work out and not have these issues. Never before last July did my heart do this shit when exercising. I’ve gotten cramps. I’ve gotten dizzy. But I’ve never felt like my heart would explode. 

Then Tom came home after that and I felt even better. He assures me I’ll get sick of him during his 4 days off. At this point, I can’t imagine that anymore. Sadly, I don’t like all this alone time that I used to just love. I used to love it cuz I think so much better when I’m alone and can accomplish a lot more this way. But if being alone means I’m more anxious, I’d rather not be alone so much. It’s bound to be this way for years, though, so I gotta just deal with it. 

In last night’s dreams, I dreamed Tom and I decided we’d go to a different country every two years. 

Then I walked into a restaurant of some kind to find my Italian mom alive and well. She was sitting in a booth with another woman. I went up to her, wanting to sit beside her, hug her, and see her for a few minutes, but found a small dog curled up on the seat next to her.

I have so much to write about, but if I don’t focus on my NaNoWriMo story I’m going to lose. In this entry, I’ll just say that Andy and I had a great visit, but will cover the details in another entry. For this one, I’ll just cover everything else. Then I must eat, work out, and tackle my story. I’ve still got over 7,000 words to go. 

First, my take on Ferguson, and just to warn you up front – I know the vast majority of you aren’t going to like what I say. Like probably 99.9% of you won’t like it, but you know what? Tough shit. Plain and simple. It’s my journal, no one’s being forced to read it, and I’m not about to choke back my thoughts, opinions and beliefs simply because they’re not in the “norm” and some people can’t handle it. Don’t like it… don’t read it… don’t comment… don’t come back. :) 

I was thinking last night that if the cop isn’t indicted, the blacks will riot. If he is, they will simply find something else to riot over. It seems that to them, racism exists where it does and also exists where it doesn’t. Unlike those who beat Rodney King, this clearly wasn’t about race. I truly believe without a doubt that the officer involved in this particular case believed his life was on the line. But with the black folks, it doesn’t seem to matter. And of course if it were a white person that got shot (as they do more than blacks since there are more white people in the US), it never makes the news because no one cares. Nonetheless, this case clearly wasn’t about race or else there’d be more than just one incident involving this cop, just like rapists never have just one victim. 

It saddens me that after all these years since slavery ended and blacks have been given beyond equal rights as they’re usually exempt from being charged with hate crimes and allowed to have things like black pageants and whatnot without being called racists, so many of them harbor so much hate and anger that they will resort to such violence when they don’t get what they want like a spoiled child often resorts to temper tantrums. Well, violence isn’t the way to accomplish things, and if you want those few people left out there who look down on you to like you, this isn’t the way to do it. People aren’t going to like you if you start crying racism over EVERYTHING and then go apeshit when you don’t get your way. But 95% or more of the population DOES like you and they DO accept you. If I were black I’d be appreciative of the extra rights, privileges and opportunities available to me these days and stop pitching a fit when things don’t go my way and I’d also stop taking advantage of the things I’ve been given in life. Yet some people remain unappreciated and unappeasable no matter how much you give them. Before you insist that black people’s lives matter too, remember that so do white people’s lives. This means that before you cry racism where you know it damn well doesn’t exist just because so and so pissed you off, remember that YOU TOO are hurting innocent lives when you do that. Two wrongs never make a right. 

That being said, I’m both surprised and not surprised at the verdict. I thought they would indict the cop to prevent a riot as they did by letting OJ and Michael Jackson off the hook, both of whom I believe were totally guilty as charged. On the other hand, cops do have extra protection and they do get away with shit all the time. However, in this case, I see nothing to suggest he shot the kid simply because of his color. 

In some ways, I’m just as disgusted with whites as I am with blacks because they’re protesting, rioting and looting right along with them on their behalf. It’s sad to see them lower themselves to their level like that, but I guess both blacks and whites alike believe that blacks should be able to commit crimes and get away with it these days simply because of their color. 

In other news, we moved the rats into the smaller cage now that two of them are disabled, and the 3D printer has arrived. It’s pretty neat, though it stinks when the plastic is melted. Maybe I’ll sculpt models of figurines, paint and sell them, but somehow I doubt there’d be much money in that. Tom’s bound to have more use for the thing than I will. 

Later… 

A few hours ago I had yet another workout scare. I worked my arms and abs for about 12 minutes. Then I jumped on the treadmill planning to stay there till I’d worked out a total of 30 minutes like the doctor suggested. When I had 10 minutes left, I had to stop and use the bathroom. As I parked my ass on the toilet I realized my heart was booming way too hard and fast for a lousy 3 MPH walk, which would mean that getting the gear wheel might be a waste of money. 

After I was done on the toilet I tried to tell myself to calm down, but that was easier said than done. What does your heart do when you are suddenly scared? It races. So it’s like a form of artificial fear. I called Tom and we talked for 5 minutes. This helped calm me down. I had been sitting on the couch. Once I thought I’d be ok, I got up and sat at my desk. Then I got up again to fold the laundry, but felt my heart starting to elevate again so this time I called him from bed and we spoke for about 2 minutes. He assured me nothing was wrong, it was just anxiety, and that my heart was beating as fast as it needed to. But WHY has it “needed” to be like this on and off since last summer??? 

So I took a chill pill at 10ish and 20 minutes later it finally started slowing down. I didn’t get up, though. I continued to lie there. The scary thing was when it started ramping itself back up again. So again I called Tom for a couple of minutes and have been mostly ok ever since. It still frustrates the hell out of me. I just don’t understand what could be causing this. Yes, I’m still nervous about going back on the levothyroxine but if anything I should feel less anxious today because the schedule stress is off and all that. Not having to try to force myself to stay up or fall asleep takes a lot of stress off of me.

The other day Tom said that these attacks may’ve still started up when they did even if I’d never been on any medication at all. Well, if there isn’t any connection to the levothyroxine, as hard as that still may be to believe, the timing sucks. I really thought it was ALL the levothyroxine, but now it’s more than obvious that that can’t be the case. 

When I go back on the levothyroxine, how the hell am I going to know what’s me and what’s the medication when my heart does freak out, though? Levothyroxine does elevate the heart. 

I’ll never again work out when I’m home alone. Never. If this shit – regardless of what’s causing it – hasn’t stopped by now, there’s a good chance it never will. I’d rather the lump-in-my-throat feeling any day over the racing pulse. 

An unmarked black pickup came to work on the house across from my new little office yesterday, and just as I knew they would be, they’re back today. They seem to be doing something underneath the house. It fucking figures, though. It totally fucking figures that as soon as I get settled in here, there is more distracting activity over there. A rainstorm video drowns most of whatever they’re doing, but I can hear banging every now and then. I still can’t believe how much noise and activity can occur in a retirement community. We can’t even go a month without someone having something worked on around here. 

Ok, maybe NEXT time my entry will be about Andy's visit. 

Later… 

After thinking and thinking about it, I don’t see how to avoid these random post-workout heart-pounders other than by just quitting working out. I hate the idea of not working out. I don’t want to gain weight. I don’t want to lose muscle. But I just don’t know what else I can do. I may get a racy heart in other ways, but most of the time it’s been extreme was when I’d be working out. If a brisk walk that almost anyone can do who isn’t obese or in shit shape is going to make my heart boom so fiercely, how can I expect a gear wheel added to my bike to help me? No matter what type of exercise I do, every few times or so my heart’s going to beat like OMG. 

If it’s all about anxiety like everyone thinks it is, which makes sense to me at this point, since I’m not currently on meds and those who have listened to my heart didn’t hear anything scary, then this is obviously the new me. I’ve been this way since July. Why would things change now? Now I have to adapt to it and learn to work around it and how to avoid attacks whenever possible. One way is to stop working out. If an attack hits you when you’re just sitting there, that sucks, but when it hits you when you’re heart is already elevated from a workout, you feel like it’s going to explode. 

What alternative do I have? To get drunk before each workout? Take a chill pill first? 

Welcome to the new me, ladies and gentlemen! 

Later… 

Most of the details of Andy's visit won’t be shared because he told me a lot of private stuff that I know he’d want to be kept confidential. I also wouldn’t want him to feel offended when I say something like how awful he looked. It was great to see him, but he’s way huge in the gut and ass and is in unbelievably horrible shape. So much so that we had to walk real slow and he had to stop and rest after barely half a mile. Too much time on Facebook, no doubt. Even Tom could walk 20 miles if he had to and he’s obese, too. 

Of course we had to hear all about blacks, immigration, God, and celebrities, too. He yacked non-stop it was very hard to get a word in edgewise, and again I wondered about his memory issues and what else may be wrong with him that even he might not know about. He seemed very shaky at times too, and super paranoid. I almost wondered if he was still getting high here and there, but I didn’t smell anything on him and I would think he would have told me if he’d relapsed. 

He became a bit of a rambler back in Phoenix, but he just went on and on and on with these “wild stories” we don’t give a shit about. It took us forever to get him out of the restaurant after we were all done eating. Tom was patient and understanding, though, pointing out that I have so much more in life than he does and so these things may bore us but they’re exciting as hell to him. 

He’s made an astounding 50k in can collecting since he started in 2010, more than what he makes cleaning. His paranoia kicked in when he said he was worried the government was trying to get information from him on his income in the form of paid surveys. He even worried the MA food stamp people would try to find out information from me! 

Most of his stories were around his gay bar visits back in the old days, and of getting free concert tickets and backstage passes to meet Stevie. 

So after we got back from that shitty country restaurant, we walked around the circle and in back someone was using a circular saw like Bob’s. We heard not one, but TWO saws along the way, and even Andy agreed that’s totally obnoxious and shouldn’t be used unless it’s necessary. If they can designate space by the clubhouse for gardens, I say, then they can do the same for woodworking projects. 

The people working across the street did a little sawing too, along with the hammering and they just left. Let me guess… they’ll be back tomorrow too, right? 

So we rested on a bench by the clubhouse and then proceeded to cut through to the lake, but we forgot which side street led us there. We would have circled around and back up to the house, but Andy was tired, so we backtracked after we finally found the right street to the lake, which he loved and thought was very beautiful. 

“I see hope,” was the funniest thing he said to me when we rounded the corner and I pointed to our house just up ahead. I just wish I didn’t have major gas from the shitty food I ate and period cramps on top of it. My throat was sore, too. Did I really talk more than usual, or could that have had something to do with my thyroid? 

He didn’t eat most of the food we got because my schedule was such that we could go out to eat for both dinner and breakfast, and he wouldn’t have been there long enough to eat it all anyway. We’ll finish the rest of it off. 

I’ll also finish the rest of the visit later. I’m really beat after today’s workout scare.

Just a quick update. When Andy exited the train yesterday afternoon and we hugged fiercely for the first time in 15 years, it was wonderful! Then he cracked me up by saying I wasn’t fat. I fooled him, I guess, cuz I look bigger in my pictures, as most of us seem to do. I could still stand to lose a few but I keep pretty fit for my age. I try to, anyway. 

We went straight to a family-owned restaurant really close to our house and none of us were impressed with it at all, especially Tom and I. I got a T-bone and eggs with country potatoes. It was not only WAY too much food, but the steak was tough and they peppered everything. Tom got a burger and fries and Andy got a turkey club sandwich. 

For breakfast this morning we’ll be off to Denny’s after everyone’s showered.

We’re on for one more day of rain today, then sunshine and temps in the 60s. Wind-whipped rain is making sure that no one can come out to play today… haha. Really glad it’ll be clear for Andy who is leaving for Oakland right about now. He’ll be spending the night with a friend in San Francisco, then we’ll pick him up in Sacramento tomorrow afternoon. If I don’t post any entries on Sunday and Monday, you’ll know why. 

I’m ahead with NaNoWriMo so I can take a few days off and not worry about falling behind. I decided to rewrite another story that I started a year or so ago but never finished. 

Feeling the best I’ve felt both physically and emotionally in days now that the stress of meeting schedules and all that is easing up. It is so nice to finally be able to relax and be happy. I’m so excited about seeing Andy for the first time in 15 years! 

Yesterday I wasn’t dizzy, tired, or experiencing a racing heart, but I sure had that feeling of there being a lump in my throat. Wish I could know for sure that it’s anxiety and not my thyroid enlarging as that may help ease that symptom if I did know it was just stress. I guess it is, for as Tom pointed out, it wouldn’t come and go if it was the thyroid, a doctor just felt it, and it hasn’t even been a year since my last ultrasound. 

I’m not even going to think of how I gotta go back on my meds in a few days. Not now anyway! 

Later… 

It seems that every time something good comes my sister’s way, something not so good soon follows. Just when they’re adjusting to their new lives in Florida, Tammy gets hit while on the road. She’s sore from the seatbelt, she told me, and beyond upset. I don’t blame her! Especially since she just started a new job. Don’t know who’s at fault, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that she’s alive! 

She’s going to have to get a new car from the insurance money since the car was totaled. Hopefully, it will be enough to get something reliable, even if it may not be ideal and she may be a bit tight for a few months till she gets a few paychecks. But I have confidence that she will! Mark’s working too, so I just learned. He retired from his regular job in CT but has had a home-based remodeling business for many years. I would guess that he’ll eventually make more money at that in FL than in CT because the climate is better there. As selfish as it may sound, I just hope she doesn’t ask us for money. 

Anyway, she will leave me more details in a message cuz I don’t know much more than what little she’s told me so far. I told her no hurry, understanding she's upset and sore right now. 

Accidental shootings of ANY kind are always tragic, but I'm REALLY sick of only hearing about it if the person was black. Whites are abused and killed by the police, too! MUCH more so than non-whites because there are more whites than blacks. The only difference is that when you're white no one cares. 

As soon as I saw a headline trending on Facebook about another shooting in NY, I KNEW the person had to be black. They wouldn’t bother to report it if a white person was accidentally shot. So what if they’re BOTH equally tragic. 

I think that no matter how blacks are treated, they will always, always find a way to cry racism. There’s just no appeasing some people.

It rained most of yesterday. I think we’ve had more rain lately than in the last 3 years! Although it would get depressing to have on a regular basis, it did a great job of keeping things quiet here. I heard a few minutes of blowers when out sweeping leaves out of the carport, but that was it. The streets were pretty dead. Less traffic and no people out walking or riding bikes. 

I could’ve sworn, though, that at around 5pm I heard that fucking saw for a few seconds next door, and thought to myself, you’ve got to be kidding. On a cold rainy day when it’s getting dark? But when I looked over there the garage door was shut and no lights were on inside of it, so I don’t know what I heard. I just know I’m going to be pissed as hell if he’s pulling that shit when Andy's here. Virginia’s quiet and considerate, but Bob clearly doesn’t give a shit about those around him. 

Anyway, since we’re on for just clouds today (though it is drizzling out now) I’m sure the landscapers will go crazy today. The leaves are coming off the trees faster than fast. The “landscapers,” just so people know, aren’t outsiders hired by the park, but park maintenance people who work full-time for the park. They’re responsible for a lot more than just mowing grass, trimming trees, and blowing leaves. 

The thyroid meds are here and in 6 days I will be restarting my endocrine system, this time hopefully without the scary side effects. If I were a nail-biter I’d have no nails left, that’s how nervous I am! I started to call myself a chicken for feeling the need to wait till Tom has 4 days off and can be with me to help make me feel more comfortable, but as my counselor would say, we all have our fears and it’s best to accept ours and make the best of them rather than resort to name-calling and other self-degrading tactics. After all, if I wouldn’t be rude enough to call someone else a chicken, why should I be rude to my own self? 

Fearful or not, my body isn’t going to know it the instant I take the pills anyway. This is an accumulative drug, not a short-acting drug. 

Right now I have that lump in my throat kinda feeling and again I wonder if my thyroid’s enlarged or if it’s just nerves. Tom thinks it’s nerves since the doctor just felt my neck. I hope he’s right cuz sometimes I feel this without experiencing other symptoms of anxiety on top of it. I otherwise feel very calm and at peace. I have a lot going on, but it’s good stuff other than being nervous about restarting the levothyroxine. I’m excited to see Andy and glad to see it will be sunny and 60s when he’s here. 

It is amazing how much our new living room set completes our giant living room. Better yet the whole house. Now all we need to replace is the kitchen table. Then we can tackle appliances and shit like that. No hurry, though. 

Got my sky blue jersey sheets. They fit the mattress great! A little rough in texture, but once they’re washed and have a date with some fabric softener, they’ll be fine. 

For this year’s NaNoWriMo I’ve written one story that’s 25k words, one that’s 13k words, and today I’m going to begin another 13k-word story. Need to write 13,460 more words to win. Only problem is I don’t know what to write about, LOL. Oh well, I’ll figure it out. That’s what writers do.

Ugh, thought I had 4 more “getups” before Andy arrives but I really have 3. I got up at midnight and would have preferred to get up between 5am - 6am on the day he arrives, but I don’t think I can beat 3am. That was my earliest goal, though, so I can’t complain too much. I’ll just be a little tired come late afternoon, early evening and will have to crash between 7pm - 9pm (unless it’s one of those days I’m up 20 hours). 

It was so nice to take breaks in between my writing yesterday to just sit on our comfortable new couch and watch the rain. Really sick of hearing blowers every single fucking day, though, but this is the time of year you hear that here till the leaves finish falling, rain or shine. 

It hit me as I was falling asleep that I experienced no dizzy spells whatsoever yesterday. And then my bubble burst when I realized I had spent the day under the influence of my lorazepam, so that may’ve had something to do with it. 

What is it with these rats making me think they’re going to die? LOL, Romeo's still hanging in there and doesn’t seem to be suffering in any way. He definitely had a stroke. The only difference is that he’s not wobbly like Sugar, who can’t keep his head still. Sugar’s limbs work well, though, but Romeo's back legs are definitely paralyzed. 

Got my sample business cards with my name, email and blog link. They look so-so. Still not sure what I’ll use them for. They’re not something I’d feel comfortable handing out to people around here. 

My new bike wheel arrived from Germany yesterday. I’d have laughed my ass off if all the instructions were in German, as I told Tom, haha. 

Still working out a half-hour a day and still the same weight (as expected in my case), but loving the way it makes me feel. I work out on weekdays. 

Tom and I were just talking about how self-driving cars should be mainstream in about 20 years. Wow, really could’ve used one of those 30 years ago, not that I could’ve afforded one back then. Still, driving is one of the few fears I’ve never been able to conquer despite the many attempts I’ve made and it would be nice to have either way. Imagine having several boxes of stuff you want to give to a friend or something, but don’t feel like driving over. You could just pack the stuff in the car and send it over to them and then have them send the car back after they unload it! Too fucking cool. 

I’d be a little leery of trusting them at first. Machines make mistakes, sometimes worse than humans. 

Facebook asked for my number if I’d be willing to conduct a phone interview today or tomorrow. Sure, if I’m selected I won’t mind spending a few minutes to tell them how shitty their site is for $25 to spend on Amazon. I’ll gladly tell them I check in an average of just once a day cuz of the way half the features don’t work and never get fixed. Truthfully, though, even if Facebook ran perfectly all the time, I probably still wouldn’t check in much more often because there’s nothing for me to do there. How many times a day do I need to say hello to friends and family? 

As for whether or not the doc’s ignoring me or unaware of my contact attempts… my guess is that she never got any messages, requests or share notifications. Even Alison suspects that’s the case. But a friend of a friend’s did. I have occasionally sent a message to a non-friend (usually asking if they’re related or know such and such a person) that’s gone through, but the big question is: Is Facebook controlling who I contact? Or are they just that screwed up? The fact that they eventually made it so that non-friends' messages got sent to their ‘other’ folder tells me they deliberately do want to make it hard to contact people. Others have bitched about this too, and who the hell lets the same damn glitches go on and on for years? So yeah, Facebook is probably making sure my contact to non-friends isn’t going through but maybe every 1 out of 10 or something like that. 

I know I said I wasn’t going to try to fight for what isn’t meant to be and contact the doctor again, but since Facebook won’t let me contact her, and I don’t know what other site I can go to, I may just let her know what’s up on the health site. My account still exists even though I don’t use that medical group anymore, so maybe after the New Year I can leave a quick message saying: 

Please email me at your earliest convenience. Nothing’s wrong and there’s no hurry. I’d just like to ask you a few questions and didn’t feel this was the appropriate place to do so. Facebook has been glitchy and I have been unable to contact you there.

The average American now inherits $177,000, I just read? So God let my mother shaft me in death too, huh? 

Bastard. 

Then again, my 12k was just fine cuz it was all we needed to get what we wanted – a home of our own. It may not be perfect, but it’s all ours, baby. So if there really is a God and life isn’t all happenstance, He can keep the remaining 165 grand. 

After I dusted the living room earlier, I stood back and slowly gazed over the cavernous room and was like wow, all this is less than a year and a half! One good job, one determined bitch, and two dead assholes can really go a long way. I am a very lucky gal! 

We’re definitely not hurting for money right now. Hubby just spoiled me with TONS of birthday gifts. My wall statue came last night and it’s beautiful. Thinking it too will go in the master bath, only this one above the garden tub. 

Got an email from Mercy to sign up at their online site and I did. Seems better than Sutter’s. You can even upload a little avatar, LOL. Don’t see how to refill prescriptions, but I’m sure there’s a way. They said the site is new so they’re still setting it up. Hopefully, I won’t need the damn thing much anyway! 

Still waiting for them to call us about an endo referral. They said that could take weeks. I’m still going to try to get into the doctor the receptionist recommended. 

There’s more I could write about but I’m kinda tired. I was up 20 hours yesterday and only slept for about 6. I feel ok now, but for a while there I really felt overwhelmed by all that’s going on. Schedules, appointments, medication worries… it was just getting to me. But for every one stressor in life I have a dozen blessings, and this I try to keep in mind.

As I mentioned yesterday, Romeo, who is now old for a rat, appears to be dying. I soon realized he'd had a stroke. Not sure we'll lose him anytime soon, even though he can't go on much longer due to his age. Meanwhile, I was asleep when Tom got in. He thought he was dead, went out and dug a hole, then came back in and saw him move. Thank you, Romeo, for not being dumb enough to let your daddy bury you alive!!! 

Felt well till I’d been up 8-9 hours yesterday, then I felt some anxiety kick in – racing heart, shortness of breath, dizziness – and took a chill pill. It relieved all my symptoms and I felt so much better. No wonder people get addicted to the stuff. The only thing I hate about it is that it makes me drowsy. Anxiety is unpredictable and can hit me anytime when I least expect it. I’ve been fine so far, but if it kicks in later on I’m going to just try to tough it out so as not to hinder my schedule goals. I need to push it today and as it is I’m probably going to be dragging a good 4-5 hours or so before I want to crash. I fell about 15 minutes short of today’s goal, but it’s still looking good. Worst case scenario I crash a few hours before Andy does when he’s here. He’ll have his new Kindle to play with. Well, after Tom shows him how to play with it, LOL. He said the Wi-Fi is hooked up but he has no idea how to operate the thing. 

I’m so glad we have two Kindles. The Paperwhite is great for reading in bed, and the Fire is great for reading while on the treadmill. The design of this treadmill is perfect for it. I just wish the digital display lit up. I can also play music on it as well as read, so that’s nice for the strength training part of it I do before my cardio. 

Again I had another successful 30-minute workout. I already feel much stronger, fitter and energized. 

Still wish I knew what was causing this anxiety that I never had to this degree in my life. External sources? Chemical imbalance? Both? 

Two of my three birthday gifts have arrived. The outfit for my Adora doll is very pink and very shiny. Looks even better than it did online! 

My perfume is lovely, too. However, it’s not the one I had in mind. Apparently, this is from a collection and I got the wrong one. 

Last night I dreamed of one of the characters in my book, Jan, who happens to be based on a woman named Jan that I knew up in Oregon. She used to own a gift shop till she closed it to go all-digital. Jan is a lesbian. The dream was very vague, though, and I can’t remember much about it. Something about seeing her hugging or kissing her GF, then me later telling her when we were alone that I’d be jealous if I were single. Jan was/is my usual “type,” tall and dark, but I sensed that she could be a bit of a bitch at times. 

First hotel dream I had in a while, too. In the dream, I woke up to find Tom was out somewhere. I got off the bed, which was against the wall a few feet in front of the door. I could hear the housekeeper close by and wanted to hurry and shower before she got to our room. We were due to leave soon anyway. 

I turned around, surprised to find a lamp or a fan on a stand sitting on top of the bed I’d just gotten out of. I couldn’t remember placing it there, but didn’t make much of it. 

I headed into the bathroom and started to approach the corner shower stall when I heard voices and felt outside air blowing into the room. There was an “opening” to the right of the shower. Then I turned into a small room to grab a towel. There were heaps of towels and only a few folded ones that appeared clean, so I grabbed one and retraced my steps. The cement floor was a bit uphill, as they never leveled the ground before they poured the concrete floors.

Just when I was thrilled to do 10 minutes of strength training and could already feel my body strengthening back up, followed by 10 minutes on the treadmill, I discovered Romeo’s dying. He is very old now so I’m not surprised. I’m more surprised that Sugar is still alive. He’s pretty old too, and had a stroke last spring. I wonder if Romeo had a stroke (that and tumors are common rat killers) because when he crawled into the burrow, he was dragging his left leg. Even though Romeo wasn’t the greatest of rats, I still feel a pinch of sadness. 

Anyway, to back up to yesterday; it was a productive yet shitty day. I was both tired and dizzy all damn day; the dizzy spells being related to the hypothyroidism. Probably didn’t eat right either. 

Then I had a schedule scare of sorts, you could say. Despite being exhausted I managed to stay up 18 hours. But after 4.5 hours of sleep, I woke up. Not sure if a vehicle woke me up, something flying by, or if I woke up just because. It took me two hours to fall back asleep for another few hours. I had to take Melatonin (that was brave of me) to knock myself back out. Had I not been able to get back to sleep it might’ve messed up my schedule for Andy's visit. 

Woke up sort of groggy but an hour or two later I managed to perk up. Only one dizzy spell so far today, but who knows how I’ll feel later on? I just miss the old me that could go more than a day or two without feeling off be it physically or emotionally. 

I’m psyched for my online friend who has what I have and is feeling so much better since starting her own medication. I hope that’ll be the case when mine starts in a little over a week. I just have to make sure they don’t give me more than my body can handle. 

Although we won’t do most of the cleaning till the end of the week, Tom took off the shower doors in his bathroom and really got the things looking better. The people that last lived here were very lazy and years of calcium and shit like that had built up on them. 

Later… 

Maliheh apparently checked out one of my blogs, (funny cuz I swore I dreamed about her last night) or was in her email folder where she stores my past emails to her. Most likely the email. I don’t understand why either. If she wants nothing to do with me, then why save them? It was definitely her, and I was wrong about her moving like I thought she did. She’s still on Wright Ct., a short dead-end road. The other times she came in were probably when she was out somewhere. Surprised she’d use Windows, though. 

Did she specifically open an email of mine, or did she just access the area they’re stored in? Whatever the case, it took her 2 minutes to do whatever she was doing. It’d be funny as hell if someone hacked that account. 

One thing I’m sure of… I want nothing to do with the vindictive, phony bitch. 

As for Doc Hottie, she was definitely on Facebook last night because she changed her profile and cover photos, one being with the guy she’s with. The friend request still says it’s pending, and my #1 guess still says she never got it. Thanks, God, for your never-ending obsession with keeping the hotties away from me unless they’re on the other side of the world. You’re wonderful. *rolls eyes* 

Anyway, I’ve made one last-ditch effort to flag her attention. If this doesn’t work, then it wasn’t meant to be. One thing I can’t stand to do is struggle or work at something that isn’t in my cards. I’ve always known we weren’t meant to be friends, but I still had to try just in case there was a million-to-one chance I was surprised. 

What I did was I shared a picture of hers containing a leatherback turtle. I figured she’d be more likely to be ok with that than if I shared a picture of her or someone else. I commented about the picture being “cool,” though the fucker’s uglier than ugly, and said I hoped she got the friend request and to please let me know if she’d rather not be added so I could cancel the request. Certainly, both God and Facebook would allow the share to appear in her list of notifications, right? Right? I just hope they’ll also let me know it if God forbid she does try to add or contact me. My guess is she might get a share notification but will choose to ignore it. 

Later… 

The good doc hasn’t bitten my final piece of bait. Wow, she is really either doing a great job of ignoring me or she is totally in the dark, thanks to glitchy Facebook or maybe just God Himself. My guess is God doesn’t have to “break” things, but just make sure they don’t work. She may have not checked in since I shared her turtle pic, so right now I’m still leaning toward her not knowing of my request and messages. If I don’t hear anything from her in a few days, then yes, she’s got to be ignoring me. I can’t believe she wouldn’t at least get a share notification when I shared her pic.

I would have beaten my wake-up goal had it not been for a loud-assed truck waking me up, but I at least made my goal. Wish I could snap my fingers and have it be the 23rd! Not just because I’m excited to see Andy, but because having to maneuver my schedule for as many things as I’ve had to for a while now is very hard on my body. I need to stay up till around 11am if I’m going to make tonight’s goal. That’ll be hard. I’ll pump some caffeine into me later and will hope for the best. 

Another thing that’s still hard on me for reasons I don’t get is that damn bike. The plan was to ride 2 miles around the circle, which would be 10 rounds. After just 4 rounds, though, I had to stop because my heart was booming. My God, WTF is wrong with me?!?! The doctor said I could do 30 minutes 5x a week yet I had to stop after just 10 minutes of riding around the circle, which is almost flat. WTF?! How/why did I become so weak and out of shape all of a sudden? I could feel every muscle in my legs pushing and straining. The gear wheel hasn’t arrived yet. Really hope that helps! 

I've been in the same 5-pound weight range for half a decade now and have tried to be as consistent as I can with keeping moving except for when I felt REALLY shitty, yet it feels like I haven't worked out in years. :( The only difference is that I didn't panic this time around when my heart took off at airplane speed, now that I know and understand a little bit about how the heart works and how it stops beating when it’s having an attack instead of beating fast. 

That burning that occurred in my throat after the ride was as baffling, frustrating and alarming as the booming heart. Like my thyroid was leaking acid or some shit. I’ve had this type of burning sensation before, too. 

After I rested a while I did 5-10 minutes of a mix of light jogging on the treadmill and strength training exercises for the arms, legs and abs, including those killer wall sits. Of course I could only “sit” for about 20 seconds. :( 

Later… 

Tom replaced the plastic ceiling panels in the kitchen and the ceiling looks sooo much better! I’m glad one of us is tall too, LOL. 

He also got me some awesome birthday presents on Amazon, even though it’s still a few weeks away. Another one of those awesome erotic wall sculptures, Faith Hill’s Soul2Soul Vintage perfume, and a pink sequined dress for one of my Adora dolls. He definitely spoiled me big time. :) 

Decided to do two 25k-word stories instead of one 50k-word story. Story #1 is done! It is called The Other Side of the Nightmare. Next up is reworking my abandoned manuscript for River of Implications, which I outlined in 2010! 

Had a weird dream last night where Tom and I were at a beach called High Wave Beach because the waves were very “high” and would crash upon the shores. You had to be careful not to get too close to the shore of this particular beach or else the waves would literally swallow you up. 

Then I dreamed that Nancy, the bitch from jail that threatened me, was staying with us. As always, our house didn’t look like it really does. Before she fell asleep on our living room couch she ate some candy bars and then asked where the two were that I had. I just shrugged and said I didn’t know because I knew she’d want them. Tom didn’t pick up, though, and instead he said something about them being behind the door. So when she wasn’t looking, I found them behind some door and shoved them under some clothes in a dresser drawer. 

Later on, she was asleep on the couch and I was up fretting over her and how much I wanted her to leave. I was afraid of her, though, and didn’t have the guts to order her out. I also didn’t want her to know I was going to go to Tom about getting rid of her, so I had a dilemma to make. I would be asleep by the time he got up, so I could either wake him up to kick her out at the present moment, or I could leave him a note ordering her to leave. I decided to write a note, but every time I started to write, the words would blur into each other. 

Later… 

Andy and I discussed his memory issues, which have been OMG HORRIBLE. I’ve noticed it this past year especially. He said he told his mother two years ago that he thinks he’s losing his memory, but she doesn’t seem to think so. I told him to tell her that with all due respect, YES he is! Really, it’s been scary bad. I think she had moved to CA by the time it really started getting bad, and no, I don’t think he’s playing with me. God, I hope not. Not sure which would be worse in that case, having a friend deliberately annoy me (in which case they wouldn’t be a true friend), or having something be wrong with him. 

It’s been terrible, though. As soon as I got up I checked in with him and told him I would’ve beat my wake-up goal had it not been for being woken up by that truck, but that I did at least make the goal (and I told him what that goal was just yesterday). A short while later I get, “Did you just get up? I thought you’d still be sleeping,” and I’m like, we just fucking went over that! 

This is becoming a regular everyday thing with him and I constantly have to explain and remind him of things over and over and over again. I told him not to hesitate to mention it to his doctor and reminded him that most people choose polite over blunt. I’d be willing to bet others have noticed it too, but haven’t said so, just like most people wouldn’t admit to someone that they were fat. But we’re close enough to be honest with each other, and I interact with him enough to see there’s a definite problem. But only he can either ignore it or look into it. I can only point out what I see on my end. 

Later… 

Having a rather rough night tonight. First my heart booms during my workout. Then my throat burns. Then I feel a bit gloomy, especially after reading that entry about the grandmother suffering as she dies of cancer. Now I’m lightheaded as hell, short of breath, and sick of being alone so much of the time. 

Sometimes I wonder if the levothyroxine permanently fucked me up and if I’ll ever feel better again whether I do or don’t take it. What if this is it? What if this will always be life as I’ll know it for the rest of my life? What if I never get better? I mean it’s great that I went a few weeks with no chill pill and it’s great that I didn’t panic when my heart was booming really bad on the bike, but where my heart should be filled with happiness and my head filled with good thoughts, I am instead filled with head rushes, booming hearts, burning throats, and emotionally off. 

I feel like everything’s reversed itself from when we were in Auburn. Where we were poor during most of the time in the trailer, now we’ve got money. Where I felt pretty healthy emotionally and physically, now I don’t. Where Tom was a constant presence, now I rarely see him. Unless we’re both on days during weekends, I never see him during the week. If I’m on nights during the week, he’s sleeping. If I’m on days during the week, he’s working. I’m alone WAY too much. This is not helping my emotional state. It also serves as a reminder that I could never live alone like I once did many years ago. 

I’ve been alone since I got up just before 6pm. I’ll see my husband for a few hours this morning before I crash, most of which will be spent under his headphones watching movies. 

I don’t want to cry on his shoulder when I do see him, but I don’t want to keep things held in forever either. It only makes it worse when I do that.

The good doc’s friend count is still at 325 and there doesn’t seem to be any activity in her account since I sent my request. So for all I know she may not have checked in tonight. Can’t believe she’d skip the entire weekend, so if I’m not accepted by Monday, then I think it’s safe to assume the request probably never went through. Oh, how brief the hotties I meet in person are in my life! That can’t be a coincidence. It just can’t be. 

Gotta admit I’m kind of surprised I’ve gone this long without new trolls latching onto me, but I’m not worried about it. I know how to block those I can block and ignore those I can’t block. Definitely surprised, though. It seems to go hand in hand with blogging. 

Really hope my thyroid hasn’t become enlarged, as it can if left untreated too long. Treatment begins in about a week and a half (after Andy leaves so Tom can be here with me and I don’t have to deal with worrying about that while trying to enjoy my company). It just seems like there’s a tightness in my throat at times. I have an old turtleneck I wear when dying my hair and the last time I wore it, it felt noticeably tighter around my neck. Yet I’ve been in the same 5-pound weight range for about 5 years now. It seems more noticeable when I’m lying down. My new primary didn’t say anything, though, when she felt it, so maybe it’s just anxiety. 

Speaking of anxiety…although I had no racing heart, I ended up getting a bit anxious at the end of my day yesterday. I was up forever because I had a second cup of coffee toward the end of my day (I usually just have one when I get up) and between that and worrying if the damn gland was enlarging, I had to take a chill pill to calm down enough to finally get some sleep after being up 20 hours. At least I ended up getting up later than I planned to which will help prepare my schedule for Andy easier. 

I will be having lab work done soon and seeing my primary again in mid-February. An appointment with my new endocrinologist will be scheduled soon, but I’m sure it’ll take 2-6 months just to get in to see her/him. 

I’m psyched for my sister, even if I’m still not sure just what it is she’s doing. She mentioned something about training to become a victim’s advocate, then something about getting badges from the district attorney’s office and maybe sitting in with those who have committed felonies, misdemeanors or with juveniles. Again, I’m not sure what her role will be, but I’m guessing it has something to do with supporting victims of crime. I’m waiting to hear more details about it, but hey, if she can help make a difference in our corrupt and twisted system, more power to her. How the hell is she doing all this on disability, though? 

Later… 

Read a very sad and terrifying entry I almost wished I hadn’t read about a woman who watched her beloved grandmother suffer a horrible, horrible death from lung cancer. This was a woman who was totally devoted to God and all that. Loved and trusted the hell outa Him. But the granddaughter is now understandably pissed off at God for letting her suffer so horribly in the end. She said she was actually begging God to kill her as she struggled in pain, anxiety and fear in the final hours. As the granddaughter said, she suffered so much the last 15 years that she didn’t understand why He couldn’t just let her go peacefully in her sleep. Why did He have to put her through that one last time and what did she ever do to deserve that, etc.? I agree that the “God works in mysterious ways” line doesn’t cut it. Especially in such an extreme situation like that. Neither does the “Oh, He just has other plans for me” when one’s prayers are denied. I mean, what other plans? To suffer to death? Great plans! 

I won’t even get into the whole thing about how IF there really is a God He’s not always the nice guy people want to think he is, because people will refuse to believe what they simply don’t want to believe. That’s not the point right now. The point is that this is twenty-fucking-fourteen! Where the hell were the doctors and nurses during all this? You mean to tell me that with medicine as advanced as it is today they couldn’t have spared her all this misery?! If she was as wonderful as the granddaughter at least made her sound, then it pisses me off all the more to know how easy my own abusive shit of a mother had it in the end. 

Secondly, this is exactly what I fear the end has in store for me as well. I don’t know when, and it may not be lung cancer or any kind of cancer for that matter, but I’m afraid the bastard’s going to torment the shit out of me in the end much in the same manner. I’m sure He’ll think it’s really fucking funny, too. 

*sighs with confusion and frustration* Am I agnostic or atheist??? Well, as Dana would say either way; you’re not facing anything like that right now – today – this moment – so just focus on the here and now.

The friend request to Doctor Hottie has officially been sent! In response to my message on the health site, she said, “Thank you for letting me know. Good luck with everything. Take care.” 

Was the “take care” a sort of a brush-off, even though she didn’t tell me not to contact her on Facebook, or was she just being polite and professional? I mean, I suppose that because it is a health site, after all, she can’t just say, “Sure, no problem. See you there!” 

Guess I’ll find out soon enough. At least I hope so anyway. All I’ll be able to tell is if she accepts or denies it. If the request still says it’s pending, I won’t know if she’s ignoring it or didn’t get it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t get it. I was never joking when I said I really think something up there goes out of its way to keep me away from those I lust for, especially if they live near me. Not sure why, though, when all it has to do (assuming it’s all-powerful) is just make sure we never meet in person again. Really, what difference would it make if she was just 5 minutes away from here if I could never see her again other than online? 

Wonder how she felt when she read my “Dear John” message? Was she happy? Bummed out? Indifferent? Wish I could say she was thrilled because she would prefer to be my buddy than my doctor, but I know better, LOL. Chances are the request will remain pending and unseen forever. If not, denied. Those would be my first two guesses anyway, even if there’s always room for a tiny shred of hope for me to be pleasantly surprised.

Alison just told me that a friend request can still appear as pending even if it’s been denied. Wow. I didn’t know this. Eh, I don’t expect her to get and accept the request, but I can’t say I didn’t at least click the “add friend” button and try. 

How did Andy become so damn forgetful and so dumb? Really, he seems way more forgetful than I’ve ever been at my worst and I just get so tired of having to go over the same damn things with him over and over again. On Wednesday I told him I had an appointment and the next day he asked where I went. I told him should rethink using full names on Ask because the site is Googlable and could lead people to us that we’d rather remain hidden from. Less than 24 hours later he says he dreamed extensively of Shelley R, spelling out her last name. 

Sometimes I don’t know if he just doesn’t pay attention (he admits he’s no fan of reading and would prefer pictures), has something wrong with him that makes him seriously forgetful, or if he’s just doing it to annoy me. He has done that in the past. No matter how many times I tell him I’m not interested in the graphic details of his daily dumps, I have to hear them anyway. He’s a genuine opposite-doer who loves to rebel. It’s part of why I try to appear unfazed when he does something that I at least suspect is done to try to annoy me. If I let him know it bothers me, he’ll do it some more. Makes me wonder at times just how true of a friend he really is.