A couple of days ago I got a gif on Facebook from Tammy saying, “Honesty, saves people time.”

I was honest with her in the email I sent but realized she may not have picked it up. And what “time” does it supposedly save?

I asked Tom if he got the feeling she was about to try to troll me and he didn’t think so. He felt that all the message was saying was that everyone should just say what’s on their mind.

Well, I did, and I told her I sent an email a couple of days ago but that we had things going on that could very well turn into a crisis and that I needed to focus on that at the moment. Haven’t heard from her since and more than half of me doesn’t want to. Or from her bratty kids.

We went to Walmart yesterday morning and got way too much in the way of junk food so tomorrow I’m going to make a point of getting back on track.

Tom’s thinking he’s going to get the best hearing aid on the market because he’s really into technology and thinks it’s worth whatever it will cost us. Our insurance will pay 80% of it. The steroids, which he finished today, have helped him recover more hearing but things are just louder, not any less distorted. That’s why he wants a hearing aid. The good news is that some of the results of his blood work are back and it shows he doesn’t have an infection.

It feels good to be caught up on my sleep and have my energy back because this way I feel like I can be a lot more productive. I wasn’t going to do Camp Nano until Aly reminded me about it yesterday. I decided I would set my word count low and dive in. Tom’s also going to do programming for the month. He wants to code a game app and have it for sale either on Amazon or Google Play once it’s done.

Tom is at the lab now because they want to check his kidney function.

So it was around 1 p.m. yesterday when I heard the beeping of someone punching the numbers on the door lock of the back door. My first thought was that Tom would have certainly Skyped me if he were coming home early for any reason, and since he hadn’t given me the slightest clue that he might be, I automatically assumed someone had figured out the code was breaking in. I began charging down the hall right as I heard the door actually being pushed open, ready to attack. But as I burst into the laundry room, I could see it was him right before I went to lunge and hopefully kill with my very determined and bare little hands.

After giving him one of those “you scared the shit out of me” and “why didn’t you Skype me?” routines, he told me he was officially put on a medical leave of absence.

Right away my mind couldn’t help but think of the dream I had the previous night of us needing assistance and ordering free food with the “gadget” the state gave us. Also, the “whiteout” dream where someone was saying they were going to white us out in which a lovely letter from the government soon followed to tell us they were stopping our unemployment before he got a job as we had been on tier 4. Plus, the “riot” dream.

The thing is that this time around we have 13 or 14 grand in our 401 and if we get unemployment if they choose to fire him or lay him off we should be okay for a while, unlike last time when we were left with absolutely nothing. Also, the economy is booming now so right now we don’t see how this could escalate into a crisis. However, the timing is interesting because it seems we only get one or two years off in between disasters. Well, even though I’m not totally over the issues with my medication causing anxiety and will likely be going back to Dr. O, I have been better for a couple of years now overall. So it would be about time for the next shitstorm, whatever it’s going to be.

It’s basically all about money. The company he works for is foreign-based and struggling to stay in business. They’ve already decided Tom’s going to be too expensive to keep on because of his health issues and all they care about is their precious premiums and deductibles and all that shit instead of a human being with health issues, so he thinks they’re aiming to fire him. They gave him a form in which he has to have a doctor sign saying that he can perform all the tasks listed on it. It looks like they tacked on the very last one on their little bullet list and that’s the one they’re most likely to try to use against him in the end. They’re trying to cover their asses since they can’t just fire him without going through certain steps first because that would be illegal. Tom is very smart and well-informed as far as his rights between basic knowledge over the years and what he’s researched and is doing his best to cover his ass and make it much harder for them to take advantage of him. Hopefully, he’s not being naïvely optimistic or missing anything because I can’t stress it enough when I said that after what happened in Arizona never again will anyone casually screw us over and walk away. If we get burned in a big way, you’re not walking and neither are we. So, if we’re really worth it to you and you don’t mind a lifetime of suffering, go ahead and screw us because you’re not walking away, and as I said, neither are we. No one will ever again get a free pass, legal or not, to turn our lives upside down. We’ve done our time being burned due to people’s incompetence, spite or greed. We may not be able to prevent it from happening in the first place, but we can and will fight back, unlike in the past. We’re through being “nice” and doing what’s easiest.

Sure enough, they failed to follow through with getting the MRI set up so while the ENT was kind enough to respond to his message on the portal and give him advice such as alternating between Tylenol and Ibuprofen when he gets any achiness, he had to play phone with them yesterday to schedule the MRI. He’ll be having an MRI with contrast on the 5th. Then he’ll see the ENT on the 11th.

At first, I was saying I wanted to beat the shit out of his bosses for giving him a hard time in the parking lot where he works because they’ve been deliberately making him do all kinds of difficult and unusual tasks, trying to get him to get fed up enough to quit. But then he pointed out that they’ve got our money so we need to play it smart. At first I thought he was talking about the 401 until he explained that he’s got three weeks of vacation time accumulated. I didn’t realize he still had that much. So even though he’s on a leave of absence he’s still being paid.

We don’t yet know if we’re going to stay in CA but my guess is that we probably will. Fortunately, we would be able to survive on minimum wage if he had to get another job and that was all he could get, which is currently $11 in California. His income would almost be cut in half that way, but you know what? As long as we have enough for the necessities, I don’t give a shit nearly as much as I used to about money. Money is always nice but it really isn’t everything. So if we don’t have extra money for fun stuff, fine.

The absolute worst thing that can happen as far as we know would be them finding something really bad on the MRI and him having to go on disability which would mean we would be broke and forever trapped in this state. Fortunately, however, this is as unlikely as us hitting the lottery. For now, we don’t know exactly what’s going to happen or when.

Dr.O responded to my message and said that I could feel free to make an appointment and discuss the option of Liothyronine, though I may still have to take Levothyroxine as well, just less of it. I never thought I’d say this since she’s a bit of a scary tyrant at times and parking in downtown Sacramento is a nightmare, but I’m excited to see this incredibly knowledgeable and helpful endo again and see if I can finally stop the anxiety I still get at times. The sleep doc can wait. I slept wonderfully last night, BTW. I usually sleep better at night anyway, but yeah, I slept so well I don’t even remember my dreams.

As I told Dr. O, this kind of anxiety doesn’t usually include a racing heart unless I go flaring. It’s just this horrible underlying feeling in the chest that’s a truly God-awful feeling and I don’t want to have to play this game where I get that and then have to skip doses here and there and never have ideal numbers. Then again, and as I’ve always said, the numbers are meaningless to me. It’s how I feel that matters. I skipped my poison today and yesterday, so when I start it tomorrow I should be okay for a few weeks or so before it gets me again as it builds back up in my system.

That’s all I can say for now as I expect to be pretty busy in the upcoming weeks as we go through whatever changes we’re going to go through. He’s still going to look for a new job regardless of what his employers end up doing because it’s a shitty place to work, he’s underpaid, and he doesn’t expect them to stay in business until he retires. My guess is that the next job will underpay him too, because he doesn’t seem to be meant to be paid fairly anymore than I’m meant to sleep normally. The average hourly pay is now almost $25. He’s at almost $19 an hour. If he can get $21 - $22 an hour, that’s still an improvement. I was really hoping he wouldn’t have to go through this shit again, though, with just six years left to work.

Last night I dreamed that we were broke and needing assistance. I don’t know where we were living but in the dream, instead of giving you food stamps, they gave you this gadget in which you selected what you wanted to eat that week and submitted it electronically for your order to be fulfilled.

They complained that we were getting way too much for two people so they deleted almost all the junk food options since it wasn’t considered a necessity, except they left Twinkies on the list.

“So order 20 Twinkies,” I joked to Tom.

Tom got a kick out of the dream which I’m sure was spawned by our discussion yesterday. They’re starting to really fuck with him at work because they see dollar signs instead of a guy who’s suffering from health issues. I guess they’re worried about their premiums and deductibles, and being that they’re foreign-based, they actually lose money when it comes to disabled people whereas American-based companies are more apt to hire those with disabilities because they gain from it. It pisses me off that so many employers expect their workers to function like reliable little machines every single day and not have any problems. They fail to keep in mind that shit happens and things do come up. People get sick. People get injuries, illnesses and diseases. Same goes for their family members. They’re not these perfect little machines that can function without fail and indefinitely.

I guess they’re trying to encourage him to quit because while he doesn’t mind noise itself, he’s having a hard time understanding things in such a noisy environment and with so many people who are too lazy to learn English as should be the case if you’re going to work in this country. But he would never just quit because it was a shitty place to work. He said he told them, “If you’re going to fire me, go ahead and do it now, otherwise give me the form.”

“The form” is for his protection and for the doctor to fill out. It proves that he has a valid disability now. While he has regained some hearing we’re pretty sure at this point he’s never going to recover all of it and that the distortion isn’t going away. Rather than a hearing aid, he may have to block that ear.

Anyway, we talked about it and he reminded me that we have the 401 and it’s not like we would be left without anything like last time, but he would much rather be fired or laid off, which he said he’s fine with as then he can get unemployment as well and we would be okay for over a year with all we’ve got saved.

I’m glad that his being laid off wouldn’t be the crisis it was years ago, and maybe it would actually be a good thing in the end, but I still have mixed emotions about the possibility. He assured me that since they don’t pay him fairly there and treat most of their workers like shit, if anything, another job would be more money. I pointed out that an American-based job wouldn’t give him as much time off and he said that if he got 2nd or 3rd shift, we’d have time to work in appointments, reminding me he can adjust his schedule easily and he always sleeps well when he does sleep. This is true. He’s just the opposite of me.

I still wish I could jump the calendar ahead 6 years so he would be retired but I don’t want to see him get any older! When I reminded him that he’s still older and white, he said having a documented disability should actually help him because then they know up front and you’re hired with the knowledge that you’ve got the disability and all that.

We’re not sure yet if we’re going to have a case against either his company or the Medical Group, but I can say with certainty that if we get screwed over, we’re not walking away. I promised myself after the shit storm in Arizona that there would be no more letting people screw us over and then casually walking away as if they did little more than spill a cup of coffee on us. There really ARE going to be consequences for those who screw us in a really big way that alters our lives negatively.

Meanwhile, he’s still waiting for them to call for the fucking MRI appointment, and he messaged our ENT about the holdup. He may have to call the insurance company which is just fucking ridiculous. He’s also tired of getting headaches and the ringing in his ear and having to take too many ibuprofen which causes bleeding. If he just bangs himself on something accidentally he starts bleeding so he wanted to ask her about painkiller alternatives. He said he isn’t having as many headaches and hasn’t been woken up from it in a few days but isn’t sure the steroids are really helping that much. He’s almost done with them, though. He’s usually less achy at the beginning and end of his day. It’s the accumulative effect of being around all the noise at work that gets to him.

If I had to guess, I would still say we’re going to be in this house for at least 6 years because he’s going to be working for at least that long, somewhere, and will probably start applying for other jobs regardless of what his company does. He doesn’t need their shit or to be treated so unfairly. They haven’t given him a raise in quite a while and the last time they did it was kind of insulting. He’s been a great employee and this is what he gets for it.

Still, I wish we could run to Florida, run to Hawaii, get out of the country, and run to where Aly is because it would be nice to have her close by, but that climate would kill me, haha. I just want to do something.

I found myself getting a bit down yesterday, thinking it would be nice to have more friends and family that were local, but then it’s probably a good thing we don’t with the drama that usually brings. Also, just because you have them around doesn’t mean they can or will always be helpful when you need them.

So he’s 61 today and it’s sad to think of us getting old and dying. I know it’s most people’s greatest fear and it’s definitely one of mine. You wonder how you’re going to die. How is your significant other going to die? How much suffering will there be along the way? When will we die? Who will be there for us in the end? Is there an afterlife? What might it be like if there is one?

While this condition of his may be nothing compared to cancer or something like that, I always knew this near perfectly healthy guy wasn’t always going to stay that way. Sometimes I feel like I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live to get older either because the older you get, the more shit you acquire and the more you suffer. I try to focus on the moment, keep positive and stay in the present, but it’s not always easy.

Later…

So my phone just rang and I was like, Dr. O’s nurse or Dr. S’s office? It was the latter. That’s the third time they called in response to my message on the portal. This time I answered and told her that more pressing issues came up with my husband and that I would call back and schedule an appointment soon.

We want to see what’s going on with him first. Meanwhile, I’ve been sleeping shitty for a long time now and it hasn’t killed me yet. A few hours ago he Skyped me to tell me that his ear popped and things were suddenly twice as loud, though still distorted. This is a great sign but it would help to know when his MRI is going to be before we schedule an appointment for me. We know he returns to the ENT on the 11th, though.

Watched a video of Dr. S and in this quick video alone I learned some amazing facts about sleep that I didn’t know. Tom’s not sure if he agrees that we don’t need less sleep with age, though.

I forgot to mention earlier that his schedule program was only one hour off. That’s pretty damn amazing for a half-a-year prediction. The program said I would get up at 1:30 a.m. and I got up about an hour later. Now let’s see if I get up at 10:30 p.m. on my birthday!

Poor Aly. She was in the hospital again for a while because she had dizziness and was bruising easily. Although the chemo seems to be helping, they’re worried she might have another autoimmune disease so she’s awaiting test results on that.

I skipped my meds today and have less anxiety and lightheadedness. Had quite a bit yesterday, especially lightheadedness. I’m getting even more convinced that this does stem from the meds. I just don’t understand why I don’t have the symptoms every single time I take the medication. It’s great that I can cut back when I need to but it sucks to think I could have to deal with this shit all my life and never be able to bring my numbers to where they should be. Instead, my metabolism will be forever slow but that’s supposed to make you live longer, so I heard. Not a thrilling idea with a husband who’s 8.5 years older.

If I never hear again from Tammy I’m going to always wonder if she does have sarcoidosis but at the same time, I feel confident she will live for quite some time to come. I really think she’s a hypochondriac. Not that she’s making up the diseases she has. I believe the diseases are very real. It’s just that she makes it sound like she’s going to die yet never does so even though we all get something that kills us sooner or later, I still think she’s looking at later rather than sooner.

Still have mixed emotions about not having contact with them but I feel a lot better today. I don’t feel the sense of sadness that I started to feel. I think I’m better off without them in my life. They’re just dramatic, emotional, aggressive people who aren’t very bright in a lot of ways. There’s a reason that such young sisters are still single and have been living together for so many years, and it’s not just because of their weight.

Getting these white vinyl panels that you can stack as high as you want to replace the old corner fence. We figured it would need 18 panels and would cost about $320. We’re going to have three layers with the bottom two being solid and the top having these diagonal “dashes” cut out in them. They also had circles and one other design but I liked the slanted dashes best.

I was outside on the patio sipping my raspberry tea a few hours ago when I said hello to Bob who was watering his tomatoes. We got to talking about different things and given that he got an iPhone 5 or 6 years ago at the suggestion of his daughter in case they ever got stuck on the road, I was surprised he didn’t know what speech-to-text was. They do watch TV even though they don’t have a computer and I still thought they would know what that is just like almost everybody knows what LOL means and OMG. But he’d never heard of it and when I showed him how it worked on my phone he was pretty amazed.

Carolyn wished Tom a happy birthday on Facebook and I complimented their yard. It’s looking really great.

I decided to hang up voice blogging for a while. It was a fun and interesting experiment but there are too many problems with it. Bubbly is glitchy and it’s a pain in the ass converting audio and then uploading it to Tumblr. If I do it at all I’m just going to do it directly on my phone and leave it at that. I’ve got a journal/pic app loaded.

Tom and I were having fun exchanging goofy and mostly senseless predictive texts via Skype while he was on break.

So yesterday I felt sad but not guilty about my nieces deleting and ghosting me and then me deleting Tammy and blocking them all. My conscience is clear in that I honestly and truly don’t believe I did anything wrong this time around other than express myself in a way my nieces disagreed with. This doesn’t mean I don’t care for them. I just think they get a little selfish at times but then again I suppose we all do. I sent an apology for the confusion over the offending post but if that’s not good enough any more than the letter I had Tammy give Lisa a while back then I don’t know what else I can do. I still don’t think I said anything wrong so much as something they didn’t like.

Sometimes I wish Tammy had boys instead of girls. Maybe there would be less drama that way.

Even so, I felt a bit sad at the thought of never being in touch with Tammy again so I sent her a message letting her know that I’m fine with the girls avoiding me and me avoiding them. It may be better that way as they are who they are and I am who I am. If we’re not in touch then I don’t have to worry about seeing anything of theirs that triggers bad memories for me, and I don’t have to feel like I’m walking on eggshells with every little thing I say and any of it being taken the wrong way. I would still like to know what’s going on in their lives and Tammy is welcome to fill me in if she wants to. It’s totally up to her and like I told her, she can either tell me to fuck off forever or we can carry on as sisters. I will be okay with whatever she chooses. So the email is sent and the rest is up to her. :-)

Another thing I told her is that I’m very glad she was able to make amends with dad, Larry and Bill in the end, and I can usually move on with a sincere apology. But some offenses are just too huge and made even huger when the person doesn’t even realize they did anything wrong and therefore can’t and won’t apologize.

Okay, enough of the family unless anything happens.

It feels so good to finally be starting to catch up on my sleep and to have more energy. I just wish I didn’t have the lightheadedness I’ve been having as well as faint underlying traces of anxiety. See, I still think the root cause is the medication and flares. My numbers say I’m officially menopausal so that’s out of the equation now. Therefore, I decided to message my old endo and ask about Liothyronine. I explained to her that I didn’t want to waste her time until I spoke to her about it as my PCP recommended. If she thinks it may be a better option for me then I’ll schedule an appointment. I have a feeling she’s going to have her nurse call and say Liothyronine isn’t a good idea.

Anyway, I’m enjoying my energy while I have it since most days it seems to be hiding from me. We went for a bike ride early this morning and I was exhausted for a couple of hours afterward. Trying to navigate a cruiser that is heavier and gearless up and down these hills is quite an exertion.

We have a small fence on one of the street corners that’s old and falling down. We’re going to replace it with one of those vinyl things that sort of looks like a partition. Tom said he’ll show me online what he has in mind later on to get my approval on it. I’m sure it will be lovely. Anything will be nicer than what’s there. He also wants to replace the gate back there because he doesn’t like standing outside the back door and being able to see both the street in back and in front. With the way traffic is here and so many loud vehicles these days I regret being on the corner. Then again, if we had a neighbor there that had a motorcycle that may not be much better.

Bob and Virginia’s beautiful magenta butterfly tree is starting to bloom in front of their place which I can see from the kitchen window. It’s gorgeous. I absolutely love those trees and they’re one of my favorites around here. The cherry trees are lovely when they’re in bloom in March and April but then they turn into these ugly maroonish-brown things.

I was also able to work out on the Bowflex, and I even started working on one of my stories again yesterday. Doing some cleaning and soon I will work on my story some more. Maybe update my voice journal as well.

I slept on and off for about 9 hours and feel the most rested that I’ve felt in days. Still woke up hot a few times and my heart wasn’t so much racing as it was beating hard. When I would lay on my stomach or whatever part of me that was in contact with the mattress, it would heat up and cause that effect. But still, it was nice to wake up a few times instead of a few million and I definitely didn’t wake up due to loud vehicles either! Just a bit lightheaded now.

I crashed around 2, woke up around 6 and spoke to Tom for a few minutes. Then I took a baby Benadryl and went back to bed till around 11. I’m still not a hundred percent recharged and I don’t feel totally refreshed right now but I’m slow to wake up anyway, so I’m hoping that in an hour or two I’ll have more energy. Maybe even go on a bike ride later with Tom. Let me guess, though. Today I’ll be up for 21 hours and sleep for 6, right?

I dreamed that we moved into some house that we had checked out before when looking for a place and settling on wherever we had just moved from. I really liked its kitchen even though I still considered it to be a bit old for my tastes; in the late ‘70s to early ‘80s. I’m not sure if we were renting it or what but I knew in my mind it would only be temporary.

As for the dream I had about a week ago where I saw the scale drop to 150? Well, that one is now just two pounds away from becoming a dream premonition. I knew it meant something.

Later…

Even though I’m still having some fatigue and lightheadedness, Tom and I went out on an early morning walk and it was cool to see Mars as easily as we could.

Okay, well… my nieces and sister and I are done with each other. I’m both sad and relieved. This morning I posted on my wall that I try to be considerate of other people’s feelings and that it would be nice if people did the same for me, specifically pointing out that my saying so wasn’t in regards to any specific individual, and it wasn’t. Once again, they assumed it was aimed at them and they deleted me. I guess I just don’t have a right to express myself like they do.

While I will always love them and think of them and wish nothing but the best for them, I have always felt that in many ways the three of them, including other family members, tend to have an aggressive streak that’s a bit unnerving and they can be overly sensitive and emotional. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m walking on eggshells all the time when dealing with them and posting on my own wall just like they didn’t want to have to feel that way, and I don’t want to have to defend and explain myself either. As I told my sister after they dumped me, I’m too old for this drama. Therefore, I felt it was best to just pull back from all of them at least for a while. We’re just too different. I may not be perfect, as I said, but we have different personalities, different beliefs, different interests, different everything.

I just can’t deal with those that are going to be that sensitive and paranoid, and I have to think of my own discomfort as well. I wish I could be more forgiving, put the past in the past, and not mind at all about the reminders of those who have had a negative impact on my life in a major way, but I can’t change who I am any more than they can change who they are. And we shouldn’t have to either.

I hate to say it but if Tammy didn’t have any kids or they had different personalities then maybe we could be in touch all our lives. But if I felt awkward enough with her connection to one kid who wishes not to have any contact with me, imagine how I’d feel if I stayed in touch with her with all her kids not wanting contact with me? Then I would have to hear about four people I would rather not discuss, on top of God and deceased family members. Some of the deceased members I could deal with at times, but still…

Got lots to update on. First, they’re finally done with the fiber-optics upgrade. Thank God! I’ve had enough of the loud equipment and the loud trucks. Oh, I know it’s only a matter of days or weeks if I’m lucky before the next project be it by the park or by one of the neighbors, so I’m going to be sure to enjoy whatever time off I can get.

That fucking car, though! It’s been coming around more and more. Just because they don’t sleep here doesn’t mean they don’t live here. Seriously, they may as well sleep here, too. I don’t know if one of their parents is ill or they’re working for them or something, but they’re obviously jobless again. They don’t seem to have much of a life at all. No job, no significant other, no kids, nothing to keep them busy enough to take even one fucking day off from visiting. They’re here every day without fail, and again, broke or not, I can’t believe anyone that young wants to hang out with their parents that often. I keep hoping they’ll get a life but it seems that’s just not their thing and the parents aren’t exactly encouraging or persuasive in any way either.

I slept shitty and woke up exhausted, as usual. The internet simply isn’t reliable in the way electricity is and it can’t stream something for more than a few hours without interruptions and hiccups. Two hours after I crashed, Alexa came out and said, “I’m sorry. I’m having trouble playing music now. Try again later.”

When I couldn’t get the brown noise track I chose as my best bet for masking the more thunderous sounds restarted, I had no choice but to give up and let that fucking car wake me up. So did my bladder and food smells. Tom is pretty sure the smell wasn’t his food because he’s made macaroni and cheese while I’ve slept numerous times. These old windows aren’t sealed up very well and air gets circulated throughout the house when the AC is on.

Anyway, I’m hoping that today will be the day that I finally get caught up on my sleep. I now have the earbuds plugged into the laptop I got in Oregon after recording the brown noise to Audacity and then cutting any lag off the ends so that when it loops there won’t be any gaps.

Also, we ordered a basic $30 MP3 player with a 30-hour battery life which will be delivered today along with my Raspberry Royale tea. This will be great for taking to Hawaii and drowning out his snoring and doors slamming. It’s kind of sad that I have to resort to these kinds of things at home, but while I can’t get myself on a schedule and I can’t stop from waking up for other reasons, if I can at least get myself to sleep through noise, great!

Now for my 1 hour and 12-minute discussion with Tammy which I definitely have mixed emotions about.

As usual, it was mostly about her health. She didn’t ask much about Tom and I unless I steered the conversation in that direction.

The net is still cutting in and out which Tom says he thinks will happen for a couple of hours but I’m getting too tired to get into our discussion. Will get to it tomorrow, tired or not.

Or maybe not. My battery is down to 29% so maybe I’ll gab away until it hits 15% or so. I’m getting close to when I’m ready to sleep but not that close.

Okay, so about a week or so ago I made a post on Facebook about people obsessing over those that were gone, those that were abusive, and not appreciating what they do have as opposed to what they don’t. Becky and Sarah saw it and instead of talking to me about it, they went to Tammy, assuming it was aimed at them. They were offended particularly with the second anniversary of the death of their father coming up.

As I assured Tammy, the timing was strictly coincidental but where I fibbed a bit was when I said it had nothing to do with them. I didn’t want to lie but I didn’t want to needlessly offend anyone further either so I more or less softened the truth. It kind of did have to do with them but not just them. It was more about Facebook being so fake, negative and repetitious so much of the time.

I was a little upset that they didn’t come to me about it and Tammy said they didn’t want to say anything at all because they didn’t want to come between her and I, but as Tammy told them, if we can’t have a simple discussion about whatever, well, that has nothing to do with them. She’s right, but people should still go directly to the source, shouldn’t they? Still, I do understand them not wanting to make waves for Tammy and I and they didn’t, as I told them. Even so, I let them know they can come to me if they’re ever curious about anything. I don’t bite. I’m approachable, etc. The only thing that bugs me is that while I try my best to take other people’s feelings into consideration, I wish they’d do the same for me but they usually don’t. I don’t like feeling like I have to watch what I say to such degrees or like I can’t express myself while others can do so a lot more freely.

I have admitted to Tammy that I don’t follow most people’s profiles or the newsfeed regularly not just because I’m busy doing other things and prefer to hang out on other sites but because I do get tired of the same old, same old at times. It still bothers me to have to hear about Bill and she knows this.

“What if you were raped,” I asked her, “and you and that rapist had a mutual friend and that friend was constantly praising your rapist? She said she wouldn’t mind it at all.”

Wow! That’s great that she can do that but I’m not her. I can’t make myself feel or not feel whatever it is I feel or don’t feel for various people who have screwed me in the past. Sure wish I could, though!

I understand that they have a right to post what they want but I think it would be nice if people took the time and consideration to block people from posts they don’t think they would care to see. I do this for them.

I agree with Tammy that if they want to post memes about him if they find it therapeutic and helpful in grieving and getting through the tough times and all that, more power to them. It’s certainly better than doing drugs or alcohol. Where I get a little irritated is when people expect me to consider their feelings without any regard for mine, as I said.

This whole incident, or whatever you can call it, has been a real eye-opener for me. All those years ago, even though I didn’t do it in a very legal way, I really was out of line for defending Tammy. I can kind of see now why so many people are hesitant to defend others for various reasons. Sometimes it really isn’t our place to defend them and they really do need to work things out on their own. Like Tammy herself said, it was between her and Bill. She never asked me to say anything, and as she taught me, defending someone, regardless of how you go about it, has a way of backfiring. I don’t think I could just stand back in silence and not defend Tom if someone was messing with him, but Tammy wasn’t a spouse or a child and I really should have kept my mouth shut and stayed out of it. In the past, had I walked down the street and saw some guy attacking a woman, I would’ve done my best to pull him off of her and probably even beat the crap out of him. Not anymore! I may call the cops but that’s as far as I go. Should I say anything if I was present if someone was verbally or emotionally abusing Tom, for example? Probably not. I probably shouldn’t butt in and I should just let him deal with it himself as he’s a big boy and plenty capable of taking care of himself. But that particular type of scenario may be easier said than done.

I also realize that while I shouldn’t have to be responsible for how people take things that I post, sometimes sharing some thoughts or ideas can come across as cryptic or suspicious to others. I’ll be more choosy about what I say but again, there’s only so far I’m willing to go with that because people have to take responsibility for their own reactions as well and I can’t possibly always know upfront who might take what the wrong way or read something into it that isn’t there. Sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do within reason and accept that the way people take it is on them. Not us, even though society likes to think otherwise too much of the time.

I still have mixed emotions about living near such dramatic, sensitive, and sometimes very emotional people with aggressive streaks such as Tammy and the girls have. I can’t stress it enough when I say I don’t need or want any drama. I don’t want to hear about Bill, Lisa, God (she left God out of the last conversation) and I don’t want to think I’m saying the most innocent of things just to find out it pissed everyone off. I’m getting much too old to play that game and the whole she said, he said bullshit.

Another thing that frustrates me about Tammy is that she’s not very bright. It’s very hard to have a conversation with her because she’s always rambling and butting in and I often have to explain things several times because she either has memory loss worse than mine or she just doesn’t get it. This doesn’t mean I don’t understand that she is how she is or that I don’t care for her. She just really irritates me at times.

Speaking of living near them, Tammy shocked me by saying she and Mark may actually move to some Island where the cost of living is really cheap just for a change of pace and I guess so Mark doesn’t have to spend so much time working. I was surprised because I just didn’t think she would ever move. I thought this was it for her. It would be funny if we ended up moving to Florida while she left Florida. I told her we too, would eventually consider other countries as well. I definitely like the idea of low-cost and Universal Health Care, but I don’t know if there are any countries that have both, including a warm climate.

She’s still really worried she may have sarcoidosis and mentioned that it could kill you within 7 years and that they first thought she might have it in Connecticut and all that. That may be a good sign, though, as I told her, saying that it won’t kill her if that’s what it is. I came up with contradicting info in my search on that. On one hand, it says that most people can live normal lives with it and that it usually goes away but then some sites said you have up to 7 years. Let’s just wait and see if that’s what she really has, though, because not all her test results are back yet.

We were talking about aging and laughing about how much longer it takes to pee when you’re older and just when you think you’re done, you’re not, lol.

Another shitty sleep. Was up for 21 hours and slept for 6. Woke up a million times just because and maybe once due to traffic. Tom may have accidentally found the solution, though, after half a decade of dealing with this shit! He was looking for something else on Amazon when he stumbled across these soft foam-covered speakers embedded in a headband that you wear to sleep, as well as earbuds especially made for sleeping. Well, I don’t want to get my hopes up but it’s looking like the earbuds may be the most promising. The headband is wonderful but that may slip easier than the earbuds may fall out. I just can’t use them in the fake canal because it’s not shaped right, so it’s a good thing I’m mostly deaf on that side. Now I have to figure out what device would be best and I’m thinking that I’ll test what nature sounds I have on Amazon Prime Music and compile a repeating list of the best song that I think masks bassy sounds the best. If I make a playlist with a track added over and over again until the amount of time equals longer than I ever sleep, then I shouldn’t have to worry about it turning off in 4-5 hours unless the connection hiccups.

Took Ibuprofen for the headache I woke up with when I got up a few hours ago. I hope it’s only due to shitty sleep and not anything else, as I’m absolutely exhausted! If this works, though, I wonder if I’ll stop waking up on my own so much. That’s part of why I’m so exhausted and not just because of others waking me up. But maybe if the stress of being woken up is off, I won’t wake up as much. I don’t understand why I can’t go back to sleep when I’m exhausted like I am now but I usually can’t.

The next decision is… do I still make an appointment with the sleep doctor anyway or wait and see if this helps? If I continue to keep waking up on my own or I continue to feel tired when I do sleep well, then I suppose I should definitely see him.

The only thing I hate about this time of year is that the fucking firecrackers start so far in advance of July 4th. As if the car stereos, muscle cars and planes aren’t enough.

Just finished roasting a fresh batch of peanuts. Maybe by the time we move the first smart oven will exist and we can just tell Alexa to preheat the oven and all that.

The drama queen called saying she hasn’t been online because she’s been having all kinds of testing and doctors’ appointments and asked if I would call Monday. I told her on Facebook I’ll call Monday morning. sighs I still don’t understand why she doesn’t use WhatsApp. Then we don’t have to talk live at scheduled times. I hate talking to her either way because it’s all about her health, God, and maybe Lisa, too. You know me… I’m not a people pleaser and I’m nobody’s liar just to “fit in” and avoid conflict. The last thing I want is conflict with anyone but if she brings up Lisa, I just can’t lie to her. I wish I could just like I wished I could tell Andy he was right and that I was just using my sleep disorder as an excuse just to get him off my ass because I was tired of him provoking arguments and feeling like I had to defend myself to keep the peace.

But again, I can’t lie to her. I don’t want anything to do with her crazy daughter should she change her mind or should Tammy decide to try to bring us together, so to speak. I worry my honesty will get me dumped but I would rather risk getting dumped by telling the truth than by lying and telling her I’m up for a connection my heart really isn’t into. She isn’t the dumping type, though. She’s hung up on me a million times but she doesn’t usually dump people.

Still, I get that Lisa was young and screwed up and that maybe she’s changed. But bipolar disorder doesn’t go away and it’s nothing you want to fuck with. They’re very VERY hard to deal with. It’s what Marie has. They can turn on you for any reason at any time, be it for something real or imagined, and there’s just no reasoning with them. Again, I loved Stuart. But enough to live there with my sister???

Later…

Tom’s finally feeling the jittery effects of prednisone, and guess who’s a little anxious?

Yesterday my lungs were surprisingly tight and I had to take a hit from my inhaler for the first time in a while.

Not at all happy to learn they extended the hours from 1 PM to 2 PM in which kids are allowed to be in the pool. What’s next? Are they going to let them move in here? Might as well since this place is so noisy during the daytime anyway. In some ways, this place is worse than the NHA. There, almost all the racket was from kids. Here, it’s all kinds of things.

The other night I dreamed my ENT was holding her baby who now has to be close to two years old. I said something about it being a girl based on all the pink it was wrapped in. She nodded and said, “Would you like to hold her?”

I said, “Sure,” and took hold of the baby who then began talking in complete and intelligible sentences.

In another dream, I was watching this really ugly woman sitting in a restaurant booth and holding this puppy that was dressed in this frilly “dress.” Then I realized she wasn’t in a restaurant like I thought she was but on TV instead and I figured she was on some weird show like Bates Motel or something.

Then I was swimming in a pool and a couple of gay guys were in the pool as well. I turned and floated on my back and felt so peaceful at the moment, never wanting to get out of the pool.

Next was a dream that Kim called me about being hit with one of the boards she broke in karate class and then she left me hanging on the phone to listen to some weird music.

Then I went to a convenience store and requested various items, then realized I didn’t have any cash on me which seemed to annoy the cashier.

Then Aly contacted me but I was having trouble seeing the device or maybe finding the device she was on.

Lastly, I had Alexa turn on a light in a large room with an office feel to it, and I then realized I felt very lonely.

As exhausted as I was, incredibly I got up the strength to take my bike down to the lake. Or maybe it’s more like the determination. Even though I went out at 11 PM, there were still people and traffic out and about. I guess I should have figured as much with the heat. People come out at night instead. Lawrence was sitting on his patio.

Fortunately, no one called out to me and endangered me by startling me. I swear, if they ever do I will stop and yell at them and give them a good lecture on endangering bikers. You should never call out to one unless you know they know you’re there!

I’m unbelievably tired and weak feeling that it’s almost scary. Scarier is that I looked up symptoms of chronic fatigue and I sure have a lot of them. As if sleep disruptions weren’t enough, my life is really going to be miserable if I have that. I’ll never be able to live up to my full potential. Not even close. The symptoms include extreme fatigue after physical or mental exercise, waking up not feeling rested, headaches and trouble remembering and concentrating on things, along with sore throats. Ugh, I hope I’m wrong! The only symptoms I don’t have are muscle/joint pains.

It’s pretty fucking sad that the world has reduced me to having to send the message below to the sleep doctor I saw a couple of years ago who is also a neurologist, but the world isn’t going to quiet down just because I want it to. Meanwhile, I need my fucking sleep when I’m on nights! This has to stop. Somehow, it just has to.

Hello, I saw you on November 1, 2016 about my circadian rhythm disorder. I understand there is no cure for CRD but I have another problem which I hope you can advise me on. I am an extremely light sleeper and am woken up regularly when I’m sleeping during the daytime. This has left me feeling tired, unable to think clearly, and unable to function normally. I have to skip physical activities regularly and it’s like my brain runs in slow motion. I can’t always make myself return to sleep just because I’m still tired. I’ve lived in a noisy place for 5 years now. The bedroom is on a busy street but I understand that modern life is noisy everywhere. I get woken up by loud muscle cars and delivery and service vehicles even with a sound machine playing loudly and an earplug in my good ear. I’m deaf in the other ear. Moving to a rural area is no longer a possibility due to both age and money. However, I would have thought I would have adapted to sleeping through the noise or to either being woken up or at least sleeping in spurts when I did get woken up. I understand we can’t train ourselves to need less sleep but how do I get myself to sleep more soundly so these disturbances don’t keep waking me up??? If the sound machine isn’t working for the loudest sounds then would I get used to sleeping through the noise if I actually did away with them instead?

Later…

Finally got caught up on my sleep with 10 hours of shut-eye. So then why am I still exhausted??? I honestly don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me at this point. I did wake up a few times, once to pee, but not due to traffic. That’s pretty amazing considering that the trash and recycle trucks came by today.

I’m going to go as fast as I can and catch up on things. As it is, if I can’t figure out a way to sleep better and get over this exhaustion, I’m looking at voice blogging only. I’m simply run down to the core. I have been seriously considering just doing weekly bullet entries that provide the main highlights of what’s going on and so I can still keep in touch with people, but not the detailed entries I normally do. I simply don’t have the energy anymore. Again, other than regular sleep disturbances, I’m not sure why I’m so tired so much of the time. I haven’t been able to be active for about a week now. It’s like something’s forcing me to live like the disabled person I’m not. It’s very frustrating! I could even do more with anxiety as long as my heart wasn’t racing. It may have been the worst feeling in the world but I could still function. Now I’m so tired I have to do things in spurts. I’m not in perimenopause anymore, I’m certainly not PMSing, I’m not starving, so I don’t understand what’s making me so tired other than the daytime noise.

An article I read recently says you can still be woken up and disturbed by sleep but not know it. The brain registers the sounds and this lowers the quality of your sleep even though you don’t actually wake up. Well, between 6 a.m. to 4 p.m. there definitely would have been at least a dozen or so loud vehicles so I’m sure I registered most of them. Also, since we hear through bone conduction, blocking the ear canal is not enough. That’s why you can put your hands over your ears and still hear, you just don’t hear things as well.

The sleep doctor responded to the message I left him asking what I might be able to do to make me a heavier sleeper so that I can sleep through the daytime noise easier. I’ve got to wonder how people manage to work graves these days unless they’re a really heavy sleeper like Tom. Well, I don’t expect to ever be like him because I’m simply not him, but if there’s anything I could do that might help me, I sure would like to know about it.

The response was as expected and that’s a follow-up appointment since I only saw him once and that was two years ago. Now I’m not sure what to do. On one hand, the last thing I want is yet another appointment and for Tom to have to take more time off and for us to have to spend more money. But on the other hand, I’m tired of being tired and the world isn’t going to get any quieter. This is what it’s going to sound like no matter where we live and there’s no cure for CRD, and maybe there really isn’t anything he can do to make me a heavier sleeper as that very well may be just how I am. Some of us are very light sleepers just like some of us are good with languages. I’m getting desperate enough, though, that I may be willing to try whatever he may recommend despite my fears of medication in general.

Yes, we probably could afford some rural place when he retires even though I suspect we’ll be low-income, but like I said, it’s not feasible to live too far away from civilization when you’re getting older.

Still undecided about my journal. I already started voice blogging, I just don’t know if I’m going to stop the detailed regular text entries or not. I may not have much of a choice if I keep feeling so shitty and I don’t have any energy. I know I have speech-to-text to help but I still have to read and edit through the entries and this takes much longer than voice blogging. The only problem with voice is that it’s not as searchable so that’s why I would keep some sort of a bullet journal that was more like tweets. I’m so exhausted I can barely handle this entry. Really, really hope nothing else is wrong with me!

We got the new toaster with the Best Buy credit we had and it’s a decent toaster even though we won’t use it very often. It’s a combination toaster oven and I like that it’s simple to use and it doesn’t have a million different buttons. My brain is so screwed up these days between aging and not sleeping that I worry I’ll accidentally do something dangerous. I can’t think straight half the time and I can’t remember shit. My TSH has got to be close to normal now, so again, I don’t know what’s going on other than lack of sleep. That’s the only thing I can come up with. So I probably will go ahead and make the appointment at some point as I would rather be told there’s nothing that can be done for me and know I at least tried to help myself, rather than never know for sure.

Slept with my Bluetooth speaker right by my pillow with it playing thunderstorms but it stopped playing by the time I got up to pee 5 hours later even though I had it on loop mode. The battery hadn’t died either so I guess the Internet must have cut out. Because the Internet isn’t yet as reliable as electricity, that’s why I don’t use it for sleeping unless I’m just taking a nap. It won’t override the loudest of sounds but it helps with some of the smaller ones. I just wish we didn’t have roads on three sides of us. Had we gotten a couple of other houses we looked at before we got this one, I may have slept better. The loudest of sounds may have woken me up but perhaps not delivery trucks and things like that.

Tom awoke a little achy last night but hasn’t had any problems with the prednisone so far. Just a slight upset stomach for the first few hours of taking it.

While I am against the unnecessary separating of families (unless perhaps the parents are deliberately letting themselves be arrested so that their kids will get free care?) I don’t see how this equates to the Holocaust. The Jews weren’t breaking any laws. A lot of these immigrants are. Also, no one’s being thrown in concentration camps or ovens. But yeah, if people are simply requesting asylum without breaking laws and you don’t want to give it to them, just turn them away. Don’t throw them in jail and their kids in cages.

Started watching Cold Justice. First I saw Cold Justice murders and now I’m watching Cold Justice sex crimes. Why are there so few American-made shows and movies that aren’t reality shows? Everything is foreign or documentaries! But I can stand to watch these even though they’re a bit depressing.

I watched the movie Brain on Fire and it was a little scary because to think that I, someone who’s a magnet for autoimmune diseases, could end up with one that could attack something a hell of a lot more vital than a thyroid is a bit scary. What that poor woman went through!

Two or three nights ago I had a dream that my weight was down but I don’t see it going down that far without being sick or thyrotoxic. No thanks! I’ll keep the fat. Even so, it was one of those dreams that gave me that feeling only a dream premonitioner can understand. It means something. I just have to figure out what.

I also had this really weird dream that I was walking down a street somewhere on a very windy day. I was wearing a straw hat which blew off and I ended up chasing it down the street. I caught it by this house where a teenage daughter was telling her parents that some boy tried to attack her until he heard them driving up.

I said something about seeing somebody and then the guy said, “Thank you, Jodi,” as I turned and walked away with my runaway hat. I was a little surprised he knew my name.

Then Joe, the mailman, saw my hair left curly for the first time and told me that he never liked it when I straightened my hair, LOL.

I slept shittier than expected and I’m miserably tired. Tried to nap but once I’m up, I’m usually up even if I’m still tired. It wasn’t that I could hear them working in the bedroom, it’s that I could hear them driving by along with the loud car and every other insanely loud vehicle on the road these days.

The last time I was depressed about something going on in our lives was when we were poor. Now I’m starting to get genuinely depressed over knowing that this is the way almost every non-rural bedroom sounds like these days and that I’m simply not going to be allowed to sleep during the daytime no matter where we are for the rest of our lives. Things have simply gotten way too loud. Like I said, it’s starting to get me depressed but I’m trying not to let it because I’ve slept shitty for half a decade now and it hasn’t killed me yet. But we’ve done everything we can possibly do to get me to sleep through such ferociously thunderous noise. Maybe I should see the sleep doctor again or at least message him and ask if he has any helpful advice he could pass along.

It wasn’t just loud sounds. I woke up on my own a million times probably due to the stress. Either that or I was too hot or too cold. This place has officially topped the NHA.

I can still use the bike a few times a month while it’s warm then sell it when we move cuz I’ll have humidity AND noise in Florida. Really would have preferred to ride at night when the traffic and people are out of the way as opposed to when they’re in the way and I have the sun heating me up but that’s mostly going to be the only times I can ride. I should never have gotten a bike to begin with.

I’m trying to see the good in this and I don’t know, maybe it will prevent me from getting arthritic sooner than I might have because of the forced lack of activity.

The Midnite is worthless. Besides, there’s really no point in knocking me out if I’m just going to be woken up anyway, is there? All I can do is wait till I’m back on nights and then I should sleep better for a week or so.

Tom had his appointment today with my ENT and was as impressed with her as I knew he would be. Best ENT ever. She doesn’t think he’s got an ear infection, though. She thinks he had some kind of virus which he’s still suffering the effects of so she prescribed two weeks of Prednisone for him. Poor guy! He’s a lot braver than I am and he’s not scared or anything like that but oral steroids definitely have their side effects. I took them in my twenties back when I was a smoker. Jitteriness, insomnia, insane hunger, water retention… I remember well. Tammy has had to take them as well. Once I cared enough about my health to choose life over cigarettes, I haven’t needed them since. I’ve only been on antibiotics once in over two decades and that was for a tooth infection.

Anyway, this part wouldn’t necessarily scare me but I would be a bit nervous. He has to go for an MRI and they’re going to insert an IV with some chemical to make it easier to see. I’ve seen videos of MRI scans on YouTube and I know they’re insanely loud and you have to be really careful when it comes to magnets.

After the MRI he’ll have a follow-up with the ENT in a few weeks but isn’t sure yet if he’s going to stay with this Medical Group. It isn’t so much that the doctors screwed up but the group as a whole did. He did get some hearing back so it’s doubtful that he has a tumor which is what the MRI is going to look for, but had the Medical Group done its fucking job when it should have, he may have been able to recover all his hearing. At this point, it’s unlikely he’ll recover anymore.

Our ENT said that it could happen in the other ear and that he needs to call her right away if it does.

Anyway, she gave him a steroid injection in the bad ear and cleaned a little wax out of both ears for him. I’m glad I mentioned him to her when I saw her and I’m truly grateful to her for seeing him. :)

Sure enough, loud traffic woke me up a few hours after crashing and I took one of those Midnite sleep aids Aly recommended. It still took me an hour to fall back asleep and I’m tired today but I think it’s more because my sleep was disturbed than because of the stuff itself.

When I got up, Tom wasn’t in the house. I looked outside and saw him talking to the Twenties. They had some kind of decorative rocks or bricks delivered and the fiber-optics people worked further down the street behind the house. Tom suspects they’re going to hit the circle tomorrow. I just wish this fucking loud vehicle craze would stop already! I’m really REALLY tired of having my sleep stolen and my peace ruined. Even at night, it’s not always quiet. Not when the planes get to flying around like crazy. But it seems there’s always, always something. This is easily one of the noisiest places I’ve ever lived in. Oh, how I miss country living at times!

Becky, my VH sister, said her father down in Irvine might be having back surgery and asked how far I was from there. 435 miles, according to Alexa.

A funny joke Jon told Tom today: Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired?

Because she couldn’t keep her pupils in line.

Tom has had on-and-off pain in his ear. Depending on what my ENT does for him will depend on whether or not he stays with Mercy.

Because I don’t believe we can prove or disprove the presence of God, I have considered myself agnostic for quite a while now. However, when I consider the fact that my sleep is so cursed in so many different ways, it sure makes me wonder if there isn’t something out there with a beef against me. I’m not only the lightest sleeper on earth, but I can’t keep a schedule, and sometimes I wake up just because. So why I was up 21 hours and only slept for 6 is beyond me. It’s almost like my schedule is fighting to reset itself like my weight fights to reset itself after I lose a few pounds. So far it looks like the guess his program made half a year ago for what time I’ll be getting up on his birthday is only going to be off by 3-4 hours. It does seem that despite the many sleep disturbances, it all balances out in the end. It will be interesting to see how close the program’s guess is for my birthday!

Even though I was tired when I got up, I was just as tired of not having the energy to work out, so being one who likes regular fresh air and doesn’t like to keep still for long, I decided to go for a quick walk shortly after 7 PM. There’s a house for sale just around the corner on Blucher and I couldn’t help but wish we could trade places with it. Even though it’s not a corner house, it’s off the main street and two sides of it are very private because it backs up against high retaining walls and there’s also some vegetation back there that makes it more private.

Said hello to Mr. 20s on the way back and it seems the park activity is starting to get to him as well. He said he thinks of me every time they’re doing something because he knows it’s hard on me when I’m trying to sleep. It’s annoying as fuck when I’m awake but I’d rather that than be woken up. They still haven’t hit the circle yet, so I still have that hanging over my head. It wouldn’t surprise me if I was in for a very rough week because I’m right smack dab on nights now. Then there are the regular loud vehicles and sleeping through them is hit or miss.

He’s annoyed by all the plane and helicopter activity as well. I’m still surprised they can’t hear loud car stereos on the freeway even with new windows because they’re even closer to it, and they’re a few feet higher up. In fact, I know they hear more than I do because he asked if we hear any dogs in here from over the wall and we don’t. Although it’s nothing like when they were in the mainstream, because they’re at the edge of the park, they do hear barking dogs. I’m not the least bit surprised. So they hear more than me and I would be willing to bet that Bob and Virginia hear less than me because they’re not only one house further away from the freeway but they’re a few feet lower than me. Their only negative is that they’re right on the greenbelt. And if I think it’s going to be maddening when they get around to trimming the Cali oak in the center island, I can just imagine how it will be for them, deafer than me or not.

Someone leaves their dog tied to their white picket fence and unattended down on Tandy so I realize we could have a lot worse, including neighbors with motorcycles or that have a fondness for power tools much more than Bob ever did. I know and like Bob and Virginia real well now so I don’t care what they do, and nothing they’ve done has ever woken me up that I know of.

Right now I’m hearing planes and the house diagonally across from us that blasts their TV by their open window for a couple of hours at night. I can hear it if the air cleaner is on low but not on medium.

The walk I took actually perked me up a bit. Exercising can be like sugar… It gives you a burst of energy and then you crash. But to my surprise, I’ve had more energy ever since. Usually, if I wake up tired because I was short of sleep, I stay tired all day.

Don’t want to risk the possibility of me slandering the shit out of you after I’m dead by scheduling future blog posts with all kinds of BS? Then you better not burn me in any kind of a really big way!

Against my better judgment, I ran the black pig’s name along with mine out of curiosity and pulled up the slanderous article the Arizona Republic wrote in March 2001. Only I couldn’t read it. They keep the print microscopic unless you sign up and I wasn’t that curious to read what I knew was a work of pure fiction. The only words I could make out in the headline were “threats,” “hate” and “target.” I could also just make out a picture of the black bitch. There was a thing that lets you search text within the articles, and sure enough, I did hit my name. Where it got really weird is that on Google search results I got something about the TV show I used to really be into, Unsolved Mysteries.

What. The. Fuck?

What the fuck did that show have to do with the case? What, did she just want to get on TV about it or something? And why? To gain sympathy and attention as a “victim?” Because she was proud to bring a white person down and she wanted to show off? Just ran Unsolved Mysteries + my name. Nothing. Hmm… maybe Jodi Arias was connected to that, though I thought the show was done long before she hit the scene.

Again, before all this shit went down I never gave a shit about color. What happened between us was never about race, it was about the way they treated my husband and me. They were the ones who turned it into a racial issue and they were the ones who turned me into a hater. We can’t make anyone love us. We can’t even make anyone like us. But we sure as hell can make people hate us, and that’s exactly what their years of harassment succeeded in accomplishing. But it never was or will be about the color of their skin or where they’re from. It was all about their behavior.

When I think of all they put me through for about 7 years or so, I really hope there is no God. Again, I don’t know if there is one or not but I really hope there isn’t because to think that there could be one that let everything happen that happened is a really scary thought. It really is.

Only Tom, Tammy and Aly are going to know about my little revenge story which is basically reality turned bullshit that is my primary style anyway. It’s a popular style for many writers to take something that actually happened and then turn it into something totally different in the end.

The cells in The OA gave me a great idea for a revenge story where some friends don’t actually exist and I kidnap them, bring them to this “prison” in an abandoned mine and torture the shit out of them. Some I let live so they have to live with the trauma of what I did to them. It’s a very dark story I probably won’t share with anyone while I’m alive. But the more I think about it the more I would be plenty happy to share when I’m gone. Grins wickedly I don’t know who will still be around at that time, but who says I can’t queue up and schedule future posts on Blogger with whatever email addresses I can find embedded into it?

Not only did I lose half a year of my freedom and thousands of dollars but the media is almost as guilty as the freeloaders themselves because they slandered and libeled the shit out of me without even verifying the liars’ stories. At the time it was a little embarrassing because I was forced to interact with people I knew would be reading this shit. I knew that those who knew me best would know better and not judge me for it but still. They could have said I came at them with a knife and it would have been printed, no questions asked, and maybe it was. I don’t know. I never cared to actually read the article(s) because I know it’s a work of fiction.

It’s more than just about my freedom of speech being denied and other things, but about being told what to do in my 30s, like how long I had to be in jail, what I wore, what I ate, what I could do, when I could do it…even after jail before the vindication. That was incredibly humiliating and I still can’t believe I didn’t run. Why did I even go to court to begin with?

So what’s the point of publishing a revenge story if what happened can’t be undone? That is the point… cuz it can’t be undone AND they got away with it while I was made to pay for shit I not only didn’t do but didn’t even know about initially. Also, and as I’ve always said, even if I’d been 100% guilty, I didn’t deserve what I got. I can see a slap on the wrist and maybe some community service for threats, but come on. 90% of the population makes threats at some time or another, and how many of them actually act on them? That’s what my problem has been all along; that I never actually did anything. It was all about what I had to say on account of them instigating me month after month, year after year, and they didn’t want to hear it.

So they’ve got their lies published on me and eventually, I will have lies published on them. And because I’ll be gone there won’t be a damn thing they can do about it and that’s a nice feeling. That’s the whole point for me and in this case, I don’t care if two wrongs don’t make a right. Oh, they could possibly have it taken down, but I would rather the people it’s about see it and then have it taken down than for them not to see it and have it stay up. I’ll never know for sure, but with it out there, there will always be a chance they or someone they know could Google their names and hit it.

I realize that in the end none of the slanderous shit they wrote that people paid money to read ever literally came back to haunt me. It never stopped me from passing background checks for the Oregon property management, Jesse, or here since I was vindicated in the end after all, but that’s not the whole point. The bullshit will still be out there for life, I never received a public apology, and no one wanted to listen to the white girl’s side of the story either. When they came to interview me in jail and I was dumb and naive enough to think they’d actually come to show support, they edited out everything I told them for their “news” report. I told them what actually happened but no one wanted to hear it. I was too white to be heard. The pig may’ve been booted from the force, but I never received a penny of compensation. Ever.

Another thing that’s bothered me is that no one ever defended me to them or doubted them or questioned them in any way. Not only would this have never happened if she was as white as I am and not only are those that claim there’s such a thing as white privilege full of shit and obviously unaware of just how much more rights and protection blacks have, but no one once ever said to her, are you sure you didn’t provoke her to react the way she did? Are you sure you guys were 100% innocent and that it’s all on her? But if our shoes were swapped I would have been questioned like crazy, she would have been defended and made excuses for, and that’s basically what happened anyway. I’m always the one that’s 100% responsible for everything.

What happened can never be undone. There will never be any justice in my case. I get that. I totally do. The point of leaving the story after we’re both gone is so that I will be too dead for my civil rights to be violated once again the way they were 18 years ago for speaking the truth. I am utterly appalled that we as a country, or any country, can throw someone in jail simply for expressing themselves even if it’s not what most people want to hear and even if it really is considered mean or threatening. That’s not as bad as countries that will throw gays in jail or oppress women but it’s still pretty bad that people want to control a natural thing such as speech that is basically everyone’s given birthright. Without the freedom of expression, one can truly go crazy in some ways. They complain that jails and prisons are overcrowded but I think they would find that if they used them for violent offenders that actually deserve to be there, they would have a lot more room.

The way the fucking Mexican bitch said I racially slurred her when she called the cops along with her 15 other house guests, the way the other one put on a dramatic performance in court claiming she had to move twice and being lucky to be alive which was total bullshit, and the way they were automatically believed while I was denied the right to express myself and tell my side of the story (the judge, a complete stranger, made up his mind about me before he even saw me), is almost like a PTSD of a different kind for me. If they think any therapist can undo any emotional damage their actions caused me, they’re pretty damn naïve, even if I may no longer be affected in the ways I was nearly 2 decades ago. While we can’t go round them up and bring them to the set of The OA so we can shave their heads while they parade around naked with no such thing as commissary or visitation rights and have to eat those pellets that were dispensed into the cells, they’re going to be forever slandered too someday, as even if something is taken down or set private, it’s still there forever.

I know some may not get it, and it’s very hard to explain, but it gives me some sense of closure to know that in 20 to 30 years I can do this and I don’t mind waiting that long either. Good things really are worth waiting for. Obviously, if we’re both suddenly killed in a car accident or something like that in the near future the story won’t get published, but this is what I’d like to eventually do because I don’t know what else we could do any more than I knew 10, 15 years ago, yet to do absolutely nothing at all is very hard for me as I would think it would be for most victims of abuse and crimes be it legal abuse and crimes or otherwise. One can only keep silent and do nothing for so long. So this online legacy I’ll leave after I’m gone will give me at least a small sliver of peace of mind, so to speak because I will be presenting it as a true story and all the names are real except for the reporters’ names because I don’t know their names and I’m too lazy to try to find them.

I get that because this happened nearly two decades ago and in another state, most people wouldn’t think to dig up any news articles or even know how since having certain names and keywords would help, and I get that there are obviously no felonies on my record, but these things are still out there somewhere. One day, my blog will be too. If I knew we were going to kill ourselves together or if he suddenly died, I wouldn’t have to schedule anything. I could spread the story around on multiple blogs and then some. So how and when and where it’s going to be distributed is something I probably won’t know for some time to come.

Last night I dreamed of Paula. I visited her in this small but cute house she inherited. I loved the decorative front door.

Later…

Sometimes I’m not sure which is worse, Democrats or Republicans. The Republicans are often hateful towards women and gays and fight to make sure they don’t have a full bag of rights.

On the other hand, they fight harder to protect our borders from illegals, which are usually criminals, from burdening our system even more at the expense of our hard-earned tax dollars.

The Democrats believe more in equality, which is nice, but they tend to be too soft and generous and that can get us taken advantage of.

While I disagree with 99% of what Trump has done, I’m tired of everyone complaining about kids being taken from their parents when their parents should have known better to begin with. If you break the law when you have kids, you may be sent to jail and therefore separated from them. So why is it okay to be separated from them if they rob a bank or kill someone but it’s not okay if they lose them by entering the country illegally, getting whatever freebies they can get, and then carrying on with illegal activity?

If the parents were so worried about their kids and decent parents to begin with, then they should have thought of this first… break the law and you could be separated from your kids. Maybe this will serve as an example of what can happen if you try to bust on over here for free stuff at our expense. The immigration issue is getting worse and worse and we finally need to crack down on it and deal with it for once and for all, even if that means taking drastic measures. Sometimes it takes going to extremes to better things in the long run. Not many seem to agree with me, of course, but you know what? I don’t give a shit. I accept and I’m okay with my opinions, feelings and beliefs not always being within the so-called norm and I also accept and am okay with others who aren’t ok with my opinions, feelings and beliefs.