Congratulations, black people. You’ve made some of us look down on you even more. Keep on hurting innocent people while you are (understandably) angry at those who screw you over. You know, because AutoZone and Target and other people and businesses have everything to do with some pig possibly smothering someone to death. You’re just as bad as the pigs and so are those of other ethnicities helping you spearhead your violent little hissy fits. You live in a country where you now have more rights than whites and 95% of the country favors or at least supports you, so the next time you whine about the few left with ill feelings toward you, maybe you’ll finally wake up and realize why.

Meanwhile, go on. Keep living up to those labels at innocent people’s expense. Deepen the animosity a few of us have toward you, then bitch about racism and swear you don’t give a shit what others think all in the same breath. Keep playing the race card unfairly when you know damn well that in most of the country, you’ll automatically be believed, and take your frustrations out on innocent people when you actually do get screwed over. Keep making your own haters based on not where you’re from or your damn skin color but your appalling behavior.

Hate to say it but if it wasn’t for my buddy’s BF who I’m sure would never stoop so low, I’d wonder if going back to the days of segregation may not be such a bad idea. Part of me wishes whites would finally get fed up with their shit and return the violence but I know that adding violence to violence isn’t the answer. Plus, most whites stand by them anyway.

The media needs to start giving as much attention to whites that are brutalized and screwed over by the law as they do others. Maybe it will then sink in that it’s about the abuse of power and not aimed at any particular group. Sure there are a few that don’t care for blacks when they see how much crime they’re involved in, but I think that’s a very small number. I think most cops just like to abuse people much like an abusive lover. Makes them feel powerful and in control.

Well, just like I’m not ashamed to say which foods, music or colors I don’t like, I’m not afraid to admit what people I don’t like just because most people don’t want to hear it. No one’s totally indiscriminate and I’m not about to pretend I’m any different.

What’s with the People You May Know on Facebook that I don’t have any mutual friends with? How do they end up being recommended to me?

Been having some fatigue early in my day and I’m not sure why. Figured out why my weight is down a little, though. I no longer snack on nuts between meals. So while I’m not at the 800 calories or so it would take to lose weight, it deducts enough calories to keep me at the lowest my body feels comfortable weighing these days. A little fat won’t kill me and that’s another thing… I still don’t get why so many people are against that particular F-word. Referring to myself as fat isn’t being “mean,” it’s being honest. I just don’t see the point in dressing things up in fancy labels. Wouldn’t that be a form of denial? I can see “overweight” or “obese,” but “curvy?” IDK, it just seems like that’s really avoiding what those “curves” really are…fat rolls. Nonetheless, the reality is that I’m okay with both the word and myself. I’m not mean to myself. I’m not ashamed of myself. I’m not disgusted with my body. And I’m neither proud nor unproud. I have a typical middle-aged body and that’s fine.

Anyway, I may have no desire to diet but I think Walmart wants to clog my arteries, LOL. Got up around 1 p.m. and Tom had already been up for 6-7 hours and put the groceries away when they were delivered. I opened the fridge to get creamer for my coffee and that’s when I noticed the carton of 18 eggs. I didn’t order those, I told him, and he said he thought it was weird that I would get so many. Exactly. I don’t have any kind of a death wish. He checked the order and it turns out that it’s just another freebie from them. They didn’t charge us for them.

Today marks 8 weeks of taking my medication consistently and without cutting pills.

Tom and I were talking about more ideas for moving and it may actually be cheaper to buy a cheap dump than to rent depending on the space rent and all that. Figured we’d start off in a park so I could compare it to this one and see how similar or different it may be. This would just be for climate testing. Then we would sell it and get a different place in either a park or rural setting if we didn’t leave the state altogether.

There are many areas with tons and tons of parks, hardly any crime, and over 90% white. I still say there’s a noise curse on me and there has been for decades and we’re going to happen to end up next to the wrong people or close enough to them. For the most part, I’ve learned that it isn’t the residents themselves that are annoying but their visitors and workers. The only thing I would worry about with an older park with older homes would be even more sawing and hammering. Here, it’s mostly because people can afford to do so many projects.

I just wish Aly could live near us! Her parents aren’t doing well now but if they get well enough to move to Florida like she said they want to, it certainly wouldn’t hurt my feelings if she followed. :-) But I know it also depends on her job, Cam, and whatever else on top of whether or not she would actually want to live there.

We also talked about possible trips we may take. We still want to go on a helicopter ride and would love to snorkel again. I wouldn’t mind trying scuba diving. Don’t know if I would be brave enough for parasailing or anything like that. Maybe the kind where you’re attached to a boat and above water. Maybe we could take a small plane and go island hopping down around the Caribbean or maybe even further south. Some excursions may be tough because of our weight. I’m fat and he’s really fat so…

I don’t know that we could afford to sweep Europe but it would be cool to fly to Wales and see Mitch, then Amsterdam to see Adonis, shoot over to Germany to see Christiane who would no doubt tell Nane (LMAO!), drop down to Austria to see Irene, then maybe sweep on through Italy, Portugal and Spain before flying back. Greece would be nice to visit, too. There are some beautiful areas there. No way I would go to Africa or the Middle East. If I won a safari or something that would be different.

I would still like to cruise on a small ship. Never again will we cruise on a ship with thousands of people!

I decided to delete my public book on PB. I just can’t get into public blogging anymore. Maybe once we get settled somewhere. I know that anyone could find our future address if they really want to but the less information that’s easily accessible by people that may sell or rent us a place or give him a job, the better it may be.

Here comes another helicopter. The commercial planes have been better but the helicopters still get annoying at times. Wouldn’t be surprised if I heard small planes circling around after midnight but we’ll see. Lately, the most annoying thing is traffic with things opening up again.

Since Tom loves technology and gadgets, we have both arm and wrist blood pressure cuffs. To get me used to the blood pressure cuff they’re going to put on my arm during the root canal, we had me use the arm cuff yesterday with my finger on the stop button. It gets pretty damn tight, but I managed to get through it without panicking or hitting the stop button.

My tooth is the best it’s been since it got infected because the root is no doubt dead now. It’s not even throbbing at the end of the day like it used to. No longer having pain in the lymph nodes on the side of my boob either and I haven’t felt the one in my groin. But I am noticing my neck again.

I haven’t been remembering much in the way of dreams lately. Something about trying to decide if I wanted to purchase this small mirror that had a pretty decorative frame in mint green, another favorite color of mine along with pink and lavender. I was living somewhere with multiple stories since I was thinking about putting it in a spot where I would see at least my legs as I was coming down the stairs. The house I had in mind and pictured in my dream looked similar to my first childhood home. I was thinking about putting the mirror in the small space between the window and the corner of the room by where Dad’s chair was.

Later...

Decided it wouldn’t hurt to compromise with myself and share some things publicly on PB. Then, after people have a little time to see it, I can FO it.

Next thing I know I’m being asked to either take down or make private my last post, and no, I’m not going to do it simply because some people don’t want to hear it and don’t agree with it. I DO NOT support violence as a means of obtaining justice. Never have, never will, and I don’t care what color you are either.

Meanwhile, I’m not going to sit here and babysit some people’s fragile feelings and stifle my freedom of expression because some may not take it well or get the wrong idea. No one can agree on everything 100% of the time. Also, no one’s obligated to read my stuff either. You don’t like it… move on.

If sharing my opinion on being anti-violence is “racist” and “threatening,” (God only knows how they came up with that last one) then so be it. I’m not going to share only what I think most people will agree with and want to read. I’m here to express myself. Not to seek approval. Besides, if one is that sensitive, then why are they reading people’s journals in the first place?

We went to Rite Aid to get some treats and I got some merlot. Rather than drink it every day and risk becoming addicted, I drink it every other week. This keeps it more special this way too.

Lentil chips are really good. I’m glad they’re back.

We went for a bike ride and it was a touch windy and humid with the cloud coverage out there. Sometimes it was sunny. My heart was pounding at 124 when we got back. Coming up the hill against the wind isn’t easy and my legs felt kind of weak and rubbery for a little while afterward.

Made mashed potatoes in the slow cooker for the first time and they came out great. I used cream along with milk.

So excited about our upcoming move even if it’s still a whole year away. Still no idea how we’re going to move either. Going by ground would be harder on me but definitely safer so we can avoid “goesh.” Yeah, me and my silly little nicknames for everything. When we would log on to the internet at the extended-stay hotel we were in when we first came down from Oregon, it would say “connected to goesh.” The “G” was for gateway and of course the “esh” was for extended-stay hotel but I’m not sure what the “O” was for. Online?

Anyway, we were stuck there from August of 2007 until the following April as it pretty much sucked every last dime out of us. If I hadn’t won that 9k, we’d never have gotten out of there!

Nothing exciting in the way of dreams other than me scrubbing an old clawfoot tub that was stained and filthy.

Here we go again with black people rioting. If it really is true that a pig suffocated a suspect to death, that’s absolutely horrible, and unacceptable, and the pig should be killed. But they’re just as appalling and disgusting with the way they’re taking their anger out on so many innocent people. Why not take it up with the police department that they’ve got the problem with and leave others out of it? Why do they have to burn, loot, and harm innocent people and businesses while they’re at it? How many times must the LA Riot scene repeat itself? I’ll never understand why they feel they have to take their frustrations out on everybody and anybody they can. This is only going to make them look bad. If you’re pissed at the bank teller, you don’t take it out on the butcher at the grocery store. If they don’t want labels stuck on them, then why do they do so many things to earn them? You can’t pull this shit and then turn around and complain about how unfair the world is to you. No way I’m going to deny the fact in the name of political correctness that I would never feel safe living in a black neighborhood. Some things and some people really never do change. It’s okay to get angry with those that screw you or someone else over. That’s only normal. But there is NO excuse for taking it out on others. Would all blacks do this? Absolutely not. But I have nothing but contempt for them as a whole. They’re no better than the pigs who, incidentally, kill just as many non-blacks. It’s just that those aren’t the cases the media wants to focus on.

I amazingly slept through trash pickup which has been occurring earlier and not being such a multi-hour production

Coming up on 6 million COVID cases but not quite half a million deaths. Tom still feels confident there will be a vaccine next year. And I still feel fairly confident that we won’t catch it. I’m more curious about what’s going on with my lymph nodes, particularly the one at the side of my breast that’s sore. If it doesn’t back off when my tooth is fixed, I’ll decide whether or not to get into Doc A sooner.

The antifungal nail polish will be here on the 5th and on the 3rd comes the portable AC. So our home’s AC has to be sure not to let us down for one more week! It won’t have voice commands, but it will have a remote.

Decided not to wait until we got settled which will be well over a year from now to get a new set of bras. I just got a six-pack of Fruit of the Loom sports bras. I went a little larger than I needed. Usually, 40-42 is enough but I ordered them in 44 so that while I wouldn’t get ideal support for things like jogging, I wouldn’t feel like I had anything too snug wrapped around me with swollen lymph nodes. The colors will be light blue, light gray and white. I prefer dark panties, but I like lighter bras that won’t show through lighter shirts and blouses.

Took the bikes out but only for five minutes because it was a little too warm for doing anything physical, and even a touch humid because it was cloudy.

The more we discuss getting a truck and trailer so we can bypass hotels and shipping containers, the more I like the idea. Still, nothing is etched in stone. But having to deal with him while I’m trying to sleep is enough, as I tease him about, as true as it is with me being such a light sleeper. I don’t need pesky maids and people slamming doors in hotels to add to it even if that would be roomier than a trailer. This time we would be doing it with a lot more money instead of a few grand or less and he wouldn’t have to scramble to get a job right away. Plus, we’d have incoming money.

I’m excited the more I think about it. I just hope nothing shits on our plans and prevents us from getting out of here! No health issues or anything.

Once we got to Florida, we would get a rental in another adult park so that we could compare it to this one and see if it was similar or not. We also need to test drive the climate, so to speak, and make sure I can handle the extreme humidity and that the storms won’t wake me up all the time. If we like the climate but not the park, we’ll check out land somewhere. If the whole state is a bust, then we might head for Texas. They should have some dry areas that aren’t too high in elevation. We need to stick with those blues and greens.

We wouldn’t sell the truck and trailer and get a new vehicle until we were certain of where we want to live. We’d likely take I-80 and then slowly descend downward and outward towards the Carolinas and then shoot down into Florida from there. This way we could stop and meet Aly and I could bring her the doll and the pigs. This is only if we really did end up moving this way.

Tom and I were discussing whether or not we wanted to do NaNo in July. He’s just not really a writer and I’m pretty much out of steam. I just don’t get many ideas I’m excited to actually put into print these days. But we may still do it so I can add to Roomies, my ongoing story written in journal format, and he can edit his story.

I called my dentist to schedule the follow-up filling of the crown as well as my other fillings but was told that they want to wait until they get the report from the endodontist. She said it would arrive quickly because it’s digital.

New Mexico is definitely out of the question because I didn’t realize how high it was in elevation and as I learned up in Oregon, that makes my ear worse. We looked at a topographic map and found that areas in red and orange like Oregon and New Mexico are too high. We’ve got to stay in the blue and green areas.

Didn’t feel hot yesterday at all. It’s like that one degree made a huge difference. This is the last day of the heatwave and then we’re going to drop quite a bit. They’re even saying we might get some rain Saturday which is very unusual for this time of year but probably won’t actually happen.

Tom proposed another idea. That would be to get rid of most of our stuff and buy a truck and a small trailer. Then we would drive the main highway that cuts across the country, including cutting through Nebraska, visit Aly, then drive down to Florida. It would actually be a much easier route than if we went through Arizona, New Mexico and Texas to get there (not that we’d dare go through an inch of Arizona). This way we stay on the same road and it would be a much easier drive. If we didn’t have to store a container of stuff anywhere, the truck and trailer would give us the freedom to explore more places before making any definite plans. Not saying we’re going to do this but it’s another possibility to think about.

If we don’t fly, I would definitely like this idea better than taking a train. I think this would be easier for my sleep issues. When we moved to Oregon, he had no place to go when I was sleeping so his movements would often wake me up. But if we were sleeping at different times, he could hang out in the truck more. Sleeping at the same time may be a bit of an issue with his movements and snoring, but this way we would be able to test the waters when it came to both inland and coastal areas easier. Maybe we could even find a bare piece of land somewhere that will allow us to remain in the trailer until we get a house hauled in. All I know is I’m sick of listening to people’s shit and having a daily symphony of loud traffic, power tools, landscaping, planes and projects.

He could probably tolerate Florida because he did spend six weeks of basic training in San Antonio where it’s also humid and didn’t have any problems. I’m not really expecting any myself, to be honest, but you never do know. I didn’t know Simone would trigger my asthma, after all. If Florida doesn’t work out, there are dry places in Texas at lower elevations.

Haven’t done much public writing lately. It just doesn’t excite me much anymore to share with just anyone and everyone.

The money arrived yesterday and I’m going to treat myself to that antifungal base coat and polish and then we’re still gonna save, save and save all we can. Never know how long the money will last. They’re out of berry-colored nail polish so I’m getting light turquoise.

Anyway, working hard today! Lots of cleaning that I’ve neglected and doing some laundry. Cooking some chicken thighs with broccoli too.

My bum tooth is holding steady and the lymph nodes in my neck and groin haven’t bothered me today, but I can feel the one at the side of my boob. Wish I could get the peace of mind of knowing it’s nothing serious without the torture! But I’m just not ready to get any serious testing done at this time. I’ll make a decision after my tooth is fixed if the lymph nodes don’t back off at that point.

Florida or New Mexico, Florida or New Mexico??? It’s a tough decision! Yesterday I was so hot all day that I started to think we may be better off forgetting planes and trains and just driving down to New Mexico since I don’t seem to be able to tolerate heat as well as I used to. Yet today I’m fine so far. I lowered the temperature in here from 78 to 77.

Tom brought up the idea of picking a place in Florida to ship our stuff to in a shipping container and taking a train to Nebraska which would take 37 hours. Then I could meet Aly and we could see what it was like there. Maybe even rent a place for a short time, and basically sample different places to possibly live in. I just know there’s no way I’d be happy in that harsh of a climate. Snow and extreme cold just aren’t my thing. Nor would I want to go back to the furnace Arizona was either.

I hate the not knowing! I wish I could know if the climate in Florida would get to either of us in any way. Would we be that uncomfortable every time we were outdoors? Would it mess with our breathing or allergies and anyway? Would storms wake me up a lot? But because of that damn container, we can’t just sample too many places, unless we got rid of nearly everything. Actually, though, Florida is the only place I wouldn’t mind sampling. I can’t imagine having any problems in the New Mexico desert since I survived an even harsher desert than the area we might consider.

I’d love to meet Aly, but the train doesn’t appeal to me very much due to being doubly cursed in the sleep department. When you can’t keep a schedule and you’re the lightest sleeper on earth, the faster you get settled, the better. So I’d rather fly across the country than train it, and it would be cheaper too. The trains have roomettes that have a bed and table, and rooms with bunk beds, tables and a bathroom. I just know I gotta get off the fucking street and out of a flight path! I was just falling asleep last evening when a fucking motorcycle woke me up. And oh, the projects! I’m so sick of hearing people’s shit all the time. Every fucking thing they do, I have to know about it.

I like the fact that Florida is stricter on loud vehicles than New Mexico but then with every other person having a motorcycle in Florida as they do here, that might make up for it.

My meds, age and weight could be why I don’t handle heat as well as I used to. Well, I can’t stop my meds, I’m not going to get any younger, and I’m not losing weight either. Or maybe it’s just not hot enough often enough to be used to it here, I don’t know. I remember it took me years to acclimate to Arizona and whenever the winters would come around, as short as they were, I would be so cold. I was freezing my ass off when we went to Oregon as well. So I still do handle heat better than cold, especially if it’s that cold.

The heat may be more comfortable than freezing my ass off, but warmer weather makes it harder for sleeping, working out, and doing things like that.

I miss the beaches, but I don’t like the humidity. If we got some land in New Mexico we could get our own pool and that would certainly be better than public pools with the potential for screaming brats in it. Whenever we wanted a vacation we could go to Hawaii or Mexico. It’s not like we could afford to live too close to the beach anyway or that we would go to the beach every single day if we did.

If we could find an ideal piece of land with an old piece of shit on it, we might be able to have a brand new place brought in, and then the old house could become a storeroom and a workshop for Tom. It would be better for outdoor walking and bike riding, too.

I’m still open to looking at everything when the time comes to seriously start hunting for a place, but fear of the unknown is definitely something to consider. Being evacuated due to Hurricanes could be a real bitch for me as well depending on where my schedule was at the time. But then I don’t think that would happen very often or for long, so I don’t know.

Tried the new Haagen-Dazs Spirits ice cream today. The one with rosé and cream. Yep, tastes like rosé.

I have an hour before I have to leave for my consultation with the endodontist, so I’ll start this entry now but probably won’t post it until later on. I can then add what they say to this entry.

The lights are flickering again in parts of the house and again we don’t know why or what stopped it the last time.

Now that we’ve won the appeal, we’re waiting for the lawyer to take their cut and then send us the rest. Once we get our money, we decided to get a portable AC because I’m tired of stressing over the thought of the AC crapping out. ACs always have more problems than heaters. If we lost heat in the winter, we’ve got a small portable heater, and I could bundle up. Plus, it rarely freezes here. But we would be in trouble if the AC crapped out on us on a day like today that’s getting up to 102 degrees. Triple digits are good for a solar-heated pool but getting up to 90 is actually enough for me because then it keeps the house from getting too chilly in the early mornings. We won’t be back in the 90s for a few days, though.

So when we get our money, we’re going to get a portable AC that is also a heater for $400. It would be totally worth it to have as a backup and we could take it with us. We might actually save money with it because then we wouldn’t have to heat/cool the rooms we’re not in as often nearly as much.

I was a little surprised to feel slight cramps in my upper right tummy earlier and I really hope it’s just funky intestines and nothing involving my gallbladder and especially my liver. I definitely had plenty of fiber yesterday.

I’m both tired and nervous about this morning’s appointment since I don’t know these people and I don’t know how much pain I’m in for and how many appointments I’ll have to try to juggle around my schedule issues and all that. I just wish I could go over a year without one problem after another!

I was stressed over the house messing with my schedule that’s to be hauled out, but they already hauled out a piece of it and I didn’t even know it till I looked out the window and saw it gone.

I noticed there’s a slight discoloration that resembles a bruise at the base of my neck by the lymph node that’s been giving me problems, but I don’t know if there’s a connection or not. I’ve actually noticed this before, but the discoloration is a little more obvious now. Tom thinks it’s just a blood vessel. He has them too. Part of being older.

I’ve learned a lot over the years from Aly about different things from writing to people to life in general. In many ways, she is smarter and more mature than me even though she’s younger.

We were discussing how much lying bothers me and when she explained the reasons behind most of Kim’s lies and why she doesn’t feel it’s significant enough to throw away an otherwise long-term friendship, I could see exactly what she meant. It’s one thing to say I’m going to ghost Kim but then another when I consider the fact that the lies truly are petty and haven’t harmed me in any direct way. It’s still a bit bothersome but not the worst thing I’ve had to deal with from anyone. I realize no one’s perfect and I haven’t always been totally honest myself. I’ve come to see that if we’re looking for the perfect friend, well, they just don’t exist because no one’s perfect.

Aly isn’t always honest and open but still a great friend for many different reasons. She gets and accepts me as few others have and doesn’t judge me. She’s got a good memory, and she cares. I know nothing is guaranteed in life and that she could decide one day she no longer wants to be friends, but I hope we’ll be friends for the rest of my life.

Aly said, “If Kim ever did something to truly destroy my trust in her, I know her address, her home phone number, June’s number and address, where Kim works, where she goes to church, the business her sister owns or used to own and I’ve got plenty of ammunition to use against her to bring her down. There are a lot of things I notice and know about friends and family that I never bring up, but instead retain just in case.”

I asked her what she noticed or knows about me and while she told me of some dirt she has on a few others, she said, “But if I told you then I’d lose that power! ;) Realistically, though, you’re a very open book compared to some, so I really don’t have a whole lot of “dirt” on you compared to, say, Kim or Molly or my aunt Cathy.”

I’m definitely an open book with her. Still, it got me thinking and asking myself, what could anyone out there really use against me? When I say, “use against me,” I mean something that could bring noticeable physical, legal, or financial harm to my life. I honestly can’t think of anything because I don’t share sensitive info like credit card numbers and Social Security numbers in blogs, private or not. Plus, we always do regular checks to make sure our identities aren’t stolen and keep an eye on all bank accounts. I’m not a fugitive on the run, I’m not abusing the welfare system or the government in any way, and I’m pretty much boringly ordinary. Even if someone hacked into all my journals and stories and shared them with the world, oh well. It can be proven that it wasn’t me that shared them and even if I chose to do so right now on my own, there really isn’t anything in them that could get me in any form of legal trouble. It could embarrass and piss some people off, no doubt, but that would be the extent of it. I only choose to wait until I’m gone or close enough to it because then they literally have my entire life story and not just part of it.

Pretty sure that if anything could be done to me, the termites would have found what it was and would have gladly and happily done it. They’re very spiteful, vengeful people.

Her “dirt” is probably finding accounts of mine I don’t know she knows about. There is always a chance, I suppose, that with her hacking skills, she hacked into and read some private journals. Or maybe she knows about Tom, even though there’s nothing she could do with any info there. We’re not in Arizona. So what else could she do? Call the park or my doctors and tell them I threatened suicide or something? But that couldn’t be proven and could actually get her in a lot of trouble.

These days I prefer to simply get along with those I can get along with and avoid those I don’t. I don’t want to troll anyone needlessly or stir up any trouble, and I won’t allow myself to be baited into any shit either. No one’s worth having karma bite me on the ass unless they did something seriously detrimental to me. Nasty words and online pranks wouldn’t be enough to unleash any kind of a fight in me but unlike in the past, I would fight back if given no choice and provoked and pushed to the edge. Again, though, I really prefer to live in peace and get along with people. I can ignore those I don’t like and those that don’t like me.

Okay, I’m back from my appointment which went as well as can be expected. A white guy that’s from here (gay?) is going to do it so at least he doesn’t have any hard-to-understand accent.

Tom went into the building and located their office with me since it was a huge building and I was all wound up, but I went into the office alone. My temperature was perfect at 98.6.

I had to fill out the usual paperwork with some of the questions being COVID-related. The lady at the desk told me she and her husband had root canals done, and they’re no problem.

Then another lady took me into one of the exam rooms and put the scary blood pressure cuff on me. Those electric ones that squeeze you real hard that I hate. This is the first dentist that’s ever wanted to take my blood pressure. By the time it got too tight and I told her to remove it, it was done, and of course my BP was through the roof with my nerves.

I forgot to mention my swollen/sore lymph nodes but maybe it’s a good thing I didn’t because then they might think I’ve got the virus. My stomach pains are a little annoying. Perhaps the penicillin is responsible since it does kill good bacteria in your gut that you actually need.

So the doctor was very businesslike. Not to the point that he was cold or made me feel rushed in any way. He was just very professional and seemed confident, assuring me he does this sort of thing all day when I expressed my fears and told him of the incident with my medication and county clinic that put a complex on me.

Unfortunately, they don’t have nitrous oxide available now because of the virus and they don’t know when they’re going to have it again. Not exactly sure what the connection is but obviously there is one.

They took x-rays and confirmed it actually is the tooth in the very back. He reminded me that pulling it would still be an option and a much cheaper one even though that could call for future problems down the road should I have problems with any surrounding teeth. I would probably be able to chew okay without that tooth but he too, recommends a root canal.

He felt my gums, poked my gums, and did that pressure test. Then he used something that was really cold only this time it didn’t leave me in excruciating pain as the dentist did. He said that’s not just due to the penicillin I took but because most of the root is now dead. Then why bother removing the tooth if it’s dead? I asked him, and he said because I could still get infected. The root may be dying but the tissue surrounding it is not.

They keep the place cold as my old dentist did, so I now know to dress warmer. I don’t like the way my legs stick to the plastic on the chair anyway when I wear shorts or a dress. And yes, it will be just one more appointment, fortunately, and then I have up to 4 weeks to get into my dentist to fill the rest of it. I’m hoping she’ll do that and my cavities at the same time. If I don’t call her today, I’ll call her tomorrow to fill her in.

Anyway, the guy says that two days before the appointment, they’ll call in a bottle containing two Halcion pills. Apparently, it’s a kick-ass tranquilizer because they’re going to not only have an oxygen/HR thing on my finger in which she says not to wear nail polish, but also that scary blood pressure cuff.

The doctor said, “You won’t care what I’m doing.” I sure hope not because if I don’t care about him drilling and whatnot in my mouth, I’m not likely to care that my arm is having the shit squished out of it. I’ll just see if they can put it on the arm I didn’t break because the extra bone mass on the broken arm makes it a little more sensitive to pressure. His assistant said some people say they don’t even remember the procedure.

The entire thing, including today’s x-rays and medication and all that, is going to be $1,700. Thank God we won so much money!

Today he had to wait in the car and in the lobby, but they said he could sit in the waiting room during the procedure. I definitely won’t be able to walk out of there easily when they’re done, and he said someone would have to drive me. No problem when you don’t drive to begin with. The two things I don’t do is drive or handle our finances with my shitty math. I could barely manage a checking account and the few bills I had during the nine years I had an apartment in the late 80s and early 90s.

I’m on for June 11th at 7:30. They only do this particular procedure in the mornings. I’m to take one of the Halcion pills an hour before the appointment and bring the other pill with me in case it’s needed.

Tom told me Halcion is a sleeping pill while I was helping him with his wart. He has a huge wart on the back of his head that we’ve been treating but I can’t believe it’s going to go away on its own. We’ve got money, so I don’t know why he doesn’t get it taken care of by a doctor but then most of us hate doctors and the money isn’t going to last forever either. Probably just the rest of the year. It could last a year in a cheaper place.

I’m too tired to get into an idea he came up with for moving, and this entry is getting long enough anyway. I’ll just end it by saying we stopped for burgers and fries for the first time in a while on the way back from the dentist.

Researched tips on how to stop being such a worrywart. One tip suggests talking about my worries but the last thing I want to do is put anyone in a bad mood. Tom is horrible at handling complaints of any kind.

The rat started chewing the pig’s liner so no more coming and going into the pig’s section unsupervised.

We took the bikes out yesterday before it got too hot. I could hear hammering and sawing just over the wall. Yes, Californians love to do their projects.

After a few more triple-digit days, I hope they’ll open the pool. I don’t know if it would be wise to get my hair cut, though. Until and if there’s a vaccine, I don’t know that we should go anywhere unnecessarily. But then maybe in another month or so, if no one in this area has had the virus, then maybe it’ll be okay.

Didn’t know this but apparently, they make antifungal nail polish that actually helps cure yellowed nails and brown spots like what I’ve got. I have my doubts despite the rave reviews, but it can’t hurt to try it. It’s looking like the Lamisil probably isn’t going to do me any good.

It was nice to have funny and embarrassing dreams instead of sad and terrifying ones for a change.

The first dream was weird. I was at the beach somewhere enjoying the sounds of the waves crashing on the shore and taking in the smell of the ocean which I loved. I looked at the waves and was trying to judge the best time to dodge the bigger ones to go out for a swim.

Suddenly, a few people were yelling at me in an angry but mostly concerned manner. It was almost like they thought I was enjoying myself a little too much or something and that worried them.

In the embarrassing dream, I was in a room talking to some photos. It suddenly occurred to me that Tom may be in the next room listening. So I stepped out of the room and checked in the room next door and sure enough, there he was, much to my immense embarrassment. I tried to make some excuse to cover up for my embarrassing actions by saying I’d fallen asleep and was just talking in my sleep.

Then both Andy and the termite contacted me. The termite called begging to “move on” and for financial help because she was down to her last $2. LOL Unfortunately, they can’t be that bad off in reality even if her narcissistic offspring aren’t working and can’t help because she has disability checks while he has retirement checks to support them, and they’re paying a lot less than we are. They may not be doing great, but I can’t see them struggling much. I would be a lot more worried about Andy than them.

I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if someday she tried to contact me to play kiss and make up. Not gonna happen! I may have learned my lesson decades too late, but I have learned it.

I even told Tom in the dream that I would talk to people like Andy and Marie before I ever talked to Tammy, and that’s true. However, unlike in the dream where I seemed to like the idea of reconnecting with Andy, I really don’t have any desire to. Same goes for Marie. They are who they are, and I think it’s safe to say that as old as they’re getting, they’re set in their ways with no desire to change. I don’t want to deal with Marie’s paranoid craziness or reconnect with Andy just to deal with his arrogance, insensitivity, negativity, and to be told that every other thing I say is a lie.

We’ve got a heatwave coming through with triple digits getting as high as 106 dgs. Should be hot until the 30th.

Tom has had a tremor in his hands for a while but lately, I’ve noticed that sometimes his head has a slight shaking to it as well. He’s getting a little old for Parkinson’s so hopefully, it’s nothing serious. I’ve asked him about it, and he says it’s nothing. I hope he’s right! Having to worry about my shit is enough.

Yesterday I asked the pharmacist at Rite Aid his opinion on my nails and unfortunately, he said what I came to suspect it is…a fungus. He recommended Lamisil and said it might not work and I may need the pills that Dr. A mentioned I might need. You only take a couple of them, but they’re supposed to be particularly hard on the liver.

When I got back, I checked my Documents folder and found I tried Lamisil to no avail in 2017 on my toes. But my toenails are worse than my fingernails, so we’ll see. Aly said it helped her toenails after a couple of weeks so that gives me a bit of hope. After a couple of treatments, there might be a very slight improvement but it’s too soon to say for sure.

He recommends calcium for the lifting. I’ll get some caramel calcium chews with the next grocery order.

It’s also looking like my stomach pain was caused by a lack of fiber because while I was at the store, I grabbed a can of cannellini beans and it’s better today. Not perfect but better. I had one normal dump and one that was slightly runny. What I call the partial runs.

So much for saying my body won’t let itself under 155 because I woke up at 154.6, interestingly enough, even though I’m not dieting.

Just a little concerned with whatever my throat/neck situation is. I can see swollen lymph nodes, and I get that they extend into the sides of the boobs which would explain the sore spot at the side of my boob, but why would I feel irritation at times in my throat when I swallow? That’s the part I don’t get. So I decided that if my neck/throat/boob doesn’t improve with fixing my tooth, I might see if I can bump up Doc A and get finding out about it done and over with. This way they can fix anything that may be wrong or tell me it’s nothing and ease my concerns, so I don’t have to sit here worrying and wondering all the time. Oh, it’s something, alright. The question is how much of something it is. Hopefully, it’s something simple that won’t require any treatment. I know I should just take the free boob squeeze but I’m still hesitant. Right now the lymph node thing is my biggest concern.

Trying not to overdo the complaints, concerns and stress over my health and teeth to Tom because I know it gets to him. If there’s anything he’s always been really bad at handling, it’s complaints of any kind. He just doesn’t want to hear it. Be it me bitching about noise or my health, it brings him down and puts him in a bad mood and I don’t want to do that to him. So I’m going to make a point of just toughing out whatever I can. Yes, it sort of bothers me just like it’s always bothered me that he’s quick to defend whoever I’m upset with, and I also know that someone could be bashing the shit out of me right in front of him and he wouldn’t say a single word. So yeah, it bothers me. But he is who he is.

My chicken marsala came out okay if you like white meat. Not something I’m going to make again so I’m hoping the slow-cooked pork chops I’m making right now will come out better. They’re cooking in a mix of cream of chicken, ranch dressing mix, chicken broth, and garlic.

Last night’s dreams were the usual mix of negativity. Facing living alone or thinking about it as a real and scary possibility (I would never let myself live alone. If I wasn’t in jail, a nursing home, or a funny farm, I’m dead, but definitely not alone), cops showing up to execute a search warrant while someone was visiting me, me in a hallway in some building the cops were storming through.

Planes are going to be bad later this morning. I can hear the freeway.

Based on my symptoms and our research, we’re now thinking the intermittent stomach pain I get is connected to intestinal inflammation. I should have other symptoms if it was the gallbladder.

Then I took a dump and noticed the shit was broken apart, Googled it, and it suggested a lack of fiber which can lead to GI issues.

As for my nails…I’m 90-something percent sure it’s not nail polish damage. I think it could be fungus similar to what’s in my toenails. When I don’t put lotion on, I see the same yellowy-white discoloration that’s in my toes. I’d love to ask a pharmacist at Rite Aid what their opinion is and any OTC they may recommend.

The endodontist’s office called yesterday wanting to have me come in a little earlier. That’s fine but this is the second time they’ve changed times on us. Really hope they don’t make this a regular habit even if I hope to only see them one more time after Tuesday.

They’re opening more things up here and the increase in traffic sounds reflects that. So now my sleep is at risk when I’m sleeping during the daytime. It’s stupid too. They shouldn’t lift the lockdown until a vaccine is available.

I’m sure I will be woken up when that house is finally hauled out of here and the new one hauled in. They’re taking forever to do it.

Dixie said she later heard that no, the house wasn’t broken into but they’re just remodeling. How do you get a break-in out of remodeling? But then Dixie isn’t all there. Pretty sure I know the house she’s talking about. I’ve seen it when out walking.

Yesterday when I was out walking, one of the turkeys kind of lost its mind. I don’t know if it was attempting to be aggressive or if it was desperate for attention or scared of something or what. I turned to look behind me to find one charging at me as a woman was coming toward me walking her dog. Then a car was coming, and the turkey didn’t want to get too close to the car or to me so it flew a short distance. Then it turned around and kept circling the woman and her dog. The woman was worried for a minute that the turkey would harm her dog based on the way she held the leash protectively. There were a couple of clusters of the ugly bastards along the way. You don’t realize how loud turkeys gobble until you’re standing right next to them when they do!

The chicken marsala I made yesterday came out okay. I’m just not a fan of white meat so if I ever make it again, I won’t use breasts. It’s dry, bland and stringy.

About a month ago I broke down and finally decided to say hello to Dr. H and Holly and let them know we would be moving next year. Yesterday I noticed Dr. H was showing up under the People You May Know section. I asked Becky her opinion and she said she wasn’t sure exactly, she’s had people show up too, and it can’t be a coincidence.

I agree. I don’t think Holly has been to my profile if she even got or read my message, but I think the doctor visited me. Of course she didn’t reply. It’s kind of weird, too. I can see if she was still treating me, but there is no doctor-patient relationship anymore. So why not a quick and polite reply? It just seems kind of rude to blow me off at this point but that’s her choice.

I also can’t help but wonder if perhaps Alyssa does read my messages after all because she hasn’t updated her profile picture since August. Okay, I know she’s busy as hell adding a kid on top of a demanding career, but it makes me wonder if perhaps she feels uncomfortable posting anything that has to be public because of me. I hope that’s not the case as I certainly don’t want anyone feeling unnecessarily comfortable.

Aly’s having the same problem I had with mometasone, only on her face instead of her privates. It really burned the hell out of her so now she’s on steroids again. Seems to be the only thing that helps her with her eczema outbreaks and other rashes.

She visited in my dreams last night. Not sure it looked like this house but she turned in before we did, and as I was putting on my floral silk robe I said, I looked at the closed door she slept behind and said, “I can’t believe Alison P is behind that door.”

In reality, I’m starting to doubt we’ll ever meet. Kind of sucks but I can live with it.

“They split that house,” Tom stepped outside and then stepped back inside to tell me. Sure enough, when I looked out the living room window and at the house where the guy was beating on the carport, I could see it was pulled apart a bit. He thought they pulled it apart to do some kind of repair, but I knew there was no way they would do that just to fix something. He said it would be a tremendous waste of money to replace the house when you can just get a new place somewhere. I agree. But people do stupid shit all the time.

I jumped on Facebook and messaged Mrs. Twenties and yes, they are replacing it, she confirmed. She’s also tired of the project noise and is usually tolerant of noise to begin with. They haven’t pulled it out yet. I guess they’re waiting until I’m back on nights? We were hoping at first that they would go out the back and that way they wouldn’t have to go around the corner by our place and then to the back gate, but Tom says it does look like they are going to come between us and the Twenties. He said it’s actually a triple-wide and that they’re just gonna shift the pieces over onto the carport and then pull them out onto the street from there which means it has to go by us. Really hope to hell I’m awake when they pull it out and bring the new one in! I can’t believe this shit. I just can’t. It’s like there’s no end to what people will do in this place. Everything’s about appearance and throwing money away.

There is some good news. While Dahl may make me want to beat him over the head at times with his circular saw, the Twenties lucked out with a good neighbor. Her name is Mary Ann. She’s a home health care nurse who is working from home. This is exactly why I say I want more female neighbors if not couples like the Twenties.

Dixie surprised me by informing me that someone broke into a house on Tandy while the owners weren’t home. If this is true, then wow. This is the last place you would think anyone would want to break into even when the front gate is open. You’re just so much more likely to get caught here. Stealing a bike on a corner that someone was stupid enough not to lock is one thing, but breaking into houses? Here? Guess it’s a reminder that no place is exempt from trouble.

Yesterday the planes were more annoying than they have been in a while. I think the direction of the wind might have shifted because I could hear the freeway.

I don’t know if this is real or not. It seems a little too good to be true that I could play a spin-the-wheel game and instantly be told I won a $200 discount in a smartwatch store and I don’t even have to apply the code when I check out because it will be automatically applied. Most of the smartwatches range from $220 to $225 but again, I don’t know if it’s for real. I’ll have Tom check it out with me when he gets up.

It seems that when it comes to my top two cyber friends and me, we all have our curses and our blessings. One is blessed with good health, the other peace and quiet, and I’ve got the money. But only for now. If I continue to have one problem after another as I feared I might once I beat the anxiety, and if something really is trying to trap us here, it’s going to run out fast. Really starting to suspect I may have gallstones. That cramp-like pain I get in my upper right tummy that I’ve had on and off since about 2017 seems to suggest this. I looked up everything in that area and it’s too far to the side to be the pancreas. Really doubt it’s any kind of liver-related problem or IBS, which leaves gallstones. I fit the criteria too. I’m an obese woman over 40.

Read back in my journal (again, I’m so glad I keep a journal as everyone should), and not only has Tom’s mother, sister, and Evie had gallbladder surgery, but my dad sent me a letter in 2008 saying he had his removed. It’s a common problem. It’s easy to diagnose and easy to fix which is great, but I’m tired of suffering and I definitely don’t want to waste money on health issues. But yesterday and the day before, it was more noticeable than ever. I was constipated for a couple of days, so we’ll see if no longer being stuck makes it better. I’ve only been up for 4 hours and so far, it’s ranged from non-existent to mild.

Aly will be tested for the virus today. She doesn’t think she has it.

Woke up feeling more rested (even though I took a nap) and less like I had a cold. My lymph nodes aren’t too bad, although I’ve also felt the ones under my jaw and my left groin at times. Today’s problem is that mysterious pain I sometimes get in my upper right stomach. I don’t think it’s enough pain for gallbladder issues and I haven’t been doing anything where I would have pulled muscles in that area, but it’s something that comes and goes along with the lymph nodes swelling. Never really paid attention to say if it happens at the same time or not. I’m thinking it’s either connected to my liver or large intestine, likely the latter. I’m just not sure what, why or how.

When I felt shitty yesterday, I didn’t eat much and realized that if I ever lost a significant amount of weight, something would have to be wrong. Better to keep my appetite and my weight because then I at least know I feel good and am healthy! Since dropping my processed diet in favor of unprocessed foods, the risk of gaining weight has gone way down. But if my body is comfortable staying at 155, then I’m comfortable.

If you diet and lose weight, great. If you diet and don’t (assuming nothing’s wrong with you), then you were likely meant to be where you are.

I had catfish and an avocado an hour or so after I got up. Now I’m baking a chicken breast.

No longer doing voice journals with Alyssa’s chat thread because I noticed that some of them said error after a while. So I decided not to bother.

It may be too soon, but things are starting to reopen. So eventually it’s going to be maddening around here again. You know, if I was the type who could brainwash myself and I wanted to make myself believe there was something up there listening to me, all I’d have to do is ask for noisy neighbors when we move. Yeah, I know better. I know that if there’s anything up there - and that’s a big if - it’s totally pointless to even bother to try to ask for a quiet place because I know it won’t happen. Just not meant to be.

Got tired of asking Kim to tone down the messages and trying to explain that six 1-minute messages or more are a bit much. She’ll respect my wishes for a while, then it’s right back to the long, rambling bullshit. I’m tired of her repetition, too! She’ll tell me the same thing over and over again in a 1-minute message. But at least she’s gullible as fuck and I could convince her my speaker and mic broke so we must revert back to texting. I can skim these faster. FB offers no way to speed up or jump through voice messages in increments.

I accidentally locked myself out of my Mac doing some kind of upgrade, but since I only use the thing for puzzles and I didn’t need anything on it, we erased the drive altogether and reinstalled Mojave.

My neck lymph nodes feel better today but I feel very run down and almost like I’m coming down with something. God, I hope not!

That concludes my very short entry because I really don’t have anything else to report at this time.

Yesterday, the bulge in my neck was more obvious than usual and even Tom could feel it, though it’s not visible to the eye. It was tender and slightly throbbing like my tooth sometimes does. It was the first time I took ibuprofen for it. Tom and I both agree, though, that there’s no urgency to run to the doctor because I’ve had it so long and it’s highly unlikely to be anything serious. So it can wait 5 months until I see my PCP.
It’s still stressing me out, though, on top of my pending dental surgery. When I woke up, I felt like gone was the peace and serenity I’ve been having. But then I did additional research on Google and I’m pretty sure I have an idea of what it is and how to make it better if not go away completely. Pretty sure it’s a swollen lymph node that’s been more noticeable due to the inflammation in my mouth. It doesn’t explain why I’ve had it for so long but while my tooth may no longer be infected, it is inflamed.

I learned that we have lymph nodes in the neck, under the arms, and in the groin. I don’t know why this one has been noticeable for the last 2 to 3 years, but I’m guessing it may be connected to my thyroid. I read that nodules on the thyroid are rarely sensitive. Lymph nodes can get bacterial infections at times but that is rare as well. Besides, I just had a round of penicillin. But due to the fact that it is a little tender and seems to be spreading more towards the side, my bet is on a lymph node. Sometimes they have to drain it. No pain in my jaw, thank God, or ear any more than the usual shit I get from the ear on that side.

Definitely don’t have symptoms of cancer and that’s usually not painful. That seems to be the general rule from what I’ve heard and read. If you have lumps in your breasts that are hard, don’t move, or cause any pain, that may be a concern.

They recommended a warm compress on the swollen lymph node and that seems to have helped stop the “bubbling” a bit like when something’s just about to boil. Keeping my hands off it is easy. Keeping my mind off it, not so much. I’m curious and a little worried but right now I want to try to just focus on my tooth first and then decide what to do about my neck. If I do go to the doctor sooner, it will be more to give me peace of mind and settle my curiosity than anything else. Meaning, I don’t have to have any treatment done if she recommends any after finding out what it is. I may mention it to the endodontist just in case it’s important in any way I don’t know about. I’m not a doctor. But as Tom said, I’m the boss of my own body.

I swear I sometimes still get a tickle in my throat on that side and the last couple of days I’ve had a scratchiness of sorts overall, especially when I talk, but again, trying not to worry. It’s hard not to think about it so I’m trying to distract myself with other things.

Lost the nearly 2 lbs I gained after just one day of eating healthier, although I did indulge in some M&M’s. I’m cooking the cornish game hen now and I made the cheddar bay biscuits. Yup, just like Red Lobster.

We ran out to Rite-Aid yesterday and returned to this god-awful hammering sound. My first thought was the woodpecker, but it quickly hit me that it didn’t sound right for that. Well, a few houses down, 125 feet away (love how I can check that on Google Maps), some guy was beating on his carport. I could hear it all the way down in the bedroom even with the door shut, but fortunately, it didn’t last long, and nothing woke me up. Let me guess…they’re getting a garage? I’m just so fucking sick of listening to projects every single fucking week!

Tom made the best mask yet by gluing drawstrings along the top and bottom edges instead of using sewing thread. Much easier to get on and keep in place.

Facebook lets you create personalized avatars that look like you, but I couldn’t quite get mine to look like me, even though I’m using it anyway. Tom thinks I look sort of Asian, LOL. Well, at least I’m a green-eyed brunette.

I have no idea why, but Blitz has been limping and Rockefeller has been whining up a storm. With Rockefeller, I think he just wants attention. With Blitz, I’m clueless. I highly doubt Fuzzy harmed him because he’s never shown any type of aggression toward him and he seldom goes downstairs anyway.

Looking forward to trying this peel-off base coat a PBer recommended so I can hopefully bypass polish remover altogether since the small sample of hairspray I got was worthless, but it’s not a high priority. We both agreed to really watch our shopping until we get out of here.

I was right in assuming I’d hear the motorcycle within a few days because it just came in at nearly 12:30.

Took a break before posting this. Was up for nearly 20 hours and barely slept for 6, so I’m a bit tired today.

The motorcycle left at 2.

The hen was fabulous and totally worth the extra two bucks. Yes, there were a few bland bites of white meat I didn’t eat but I didn’t waste nearly as much as I would a regular chicken.

My heart was racing again. It did this the night before too, after eating. It’s almost like there was something in the tortellini recipe making it race, but I can’t imagine what. I managed to get five or six servings out of the tortellini and it basically fed me for a day and a half. The same amount of weight it put on me. I swear if I wanted to gain weight, all I would have to do is eat bread, pasta, rice, and peanut butter. I think even just pasta alone would do it.

Some groceries are to be delivered tomorrow. Since it’s harder to lock in a delivery time with so many people getting their groceries delivered, we decided it would be easier to get things delivered every few days rather than weekly. The only “bad” thing I ordered to make us tomorrow besides a small sweet treat of mini M&M’s in a tube is Red Lobster’s Cheddar Bay biscuit mix.

I also ordered a twin pack of Cornish game hens for the first time ever. You can bake them in the oven, but they recommend a cookie sheet with a rack which I don’t have at this time, so I’m going to slow-cook them. I know I could use a casserole dish, but I really love slow cooking. Because they’re small and the cooker is small, I’m going to make one at a time. I can’t see myself eating more than one at once anyway. I’ll season it to taste and cook it over some veggies. Learned that they’re not even game hens but young chickens and therefore have less fat. I prefer dark meat to white but I’m sure I’ll still like them.

Having some fluky weather. We don’t need the heat or anything but the rain we’re getting is unusual for this time of year when it’s supposed to be hot and dry. There is also a flash flood warning for tomorrow.

I hope Tom is right with his time frames. I’m thrilled that we won’t have to worry about money for many months but what then? I asked him what we would do when the money runs out and we’re back down to $1200 a month in retirement checks which aren’t enough to live on. Well, he feels confident that we’ll be fine for the rest of the year and that early next year, there will be a vaccine at which time he’ll get a job and not have to worry so much about getting sick. Wish I could be as confident as he is! It’s just that they felt certain they would have an AIDS vaccine yet 40 years later, there isn’t one. As he said, though, this is very different than AIDS.

I really hope nothing comes up to prevent or delay us from moving next year! And I also hope that whenever I’m destined to have new health issues or old ones that get worse, it isn’t until after we’re moved and settled.

It seems we really have been compensated with money after many years of struggling. I wish I could believe that we’ll be compensated with a beautiful home and an ideal location that’s peaceful and that I love so much and never want to leave until I die, but I can’t believe that for a minute. I would love for that to be the case, but I just can’t see it. Then again, I never would have thought we’d not have any money problems for 9 years, so maybe - just maybe - I’ll be pleasantly surprised even if I highly doubt it.

Had a horrible nightmare. One that certainly can’t reflect anything that’s going on now, so I have no idea where the hell it came from because we’re the furthest from losing the place than we’ve ever been before in our lives. The dream didn’t make much sense in a lot of ways. I was alone yet Tom was still alive. It’s like I couldn’t get to him or something like that. Then there was something about a phone ringing late at night and being back in Massachusetts. I wouldn’t answer it because I was sure that whoever was calling had bad news or was at least someone I didn’t want to hear from.

The scary and sad part of the dream was being stuck in this hotel. I was out somewhere and this woman that sort of resembled Nane was driving me back to the hotel. Then I realized I’d forgotten my room key. “Nane” was frustrated with me, wanting me to make up my mind where she was to drop me off because she was in a hurry and didn’t feel safe being in public with the virus still going around.

Once she dropped me off at my hotel, I was able to get inside my room easily enough because the housekeeper was in it. I found that someone had ripped off most of my stuff. My lungs were tight and I told myself not to panic since I didn’t have my inhaler but then I found it in one of my bags. After I took a puff, I noticed a woman and a man sitting at a small table by the door playing cards and smoking. I demanded that they take their cigarettes outside and was determined to find who stole my stuff. I was questioning some guy at some point and had to resist the temptation to strangle him before he could if not tell me directly then at least point me in the right direction.

I began to feel a sense of hopelessness and to believe that death was my only savior. I then started crying as housekeepers and whoever passed by me as they came and went. I sobbed, “I’m gonna die,” but no one seemed to care.

At least the dream ended on a good note. I was getting it on with some woman and I came like I was under 50 again. LOL

Aly admitted she was still in touch with Molly but only through Fitbit and that was sporadic.