I was up for 19 hours the night before last but part of that was because I was sick. I had a surprising amount of nausea and acid reflux and no idea why. I don’t have a gallbladder anymore. I’m guessing some of the blueberries I ate were bad or I had too many peanuts.

Last night, I fell asleep after the standard 16 hours but woke up an hour earlier with less than 7 hours of sleep. That and what the scale says is definitely pointing to the medication as being the cause. I don’t mind being down a few pounds. I just hope this intermittent lung tightness isn’t related! I don’t feel wired or jittery, so hopefully I’m not on the way to getting stabbed with waves of that God-awful anxiety. No way I’m increasing my dose! I hesitate to decrease it as long as I’m not anxious because if I need less sleep, then that’s less chance of being woken up and I don’t have to worry about gaining more weight either. The med is also causing me to wake up more. At least I think it’s on the med. Maybe I’ll decrease my waiting time before coffee to a half hour and see if it makes a difference in my sleep. The long 18 to 20-hour stretches of being awake and then sleeping 6 or 7 hours get to be a bit much for me. I’m not even at the 6-week marker yet, so I’m a little worried. If I can get past 6 weeks without getting worse, and especially 8 weeks, then I can relax a little easier.

I also have this gross feeling in my mouth that went away as soon as I got yogurt again. But now it’s back, even though I haven’t stopped having yogurt every day. Maybe I just need my teeth cleaned. Really hope whatever’s causing my irritation isn’t any big deal. We’re in so much debt! I’ll find out on Monday. I was a little annoyed because they left a voicemail asking me to call to confirm the appointment I scheduled online. Couldn’t this have been done by text messaging? The purpose of scheduling online is to not have to make calls. At least they answered right away.

As long as I don’t increase my dose or start a new medication while he’s at work, I should be OK. When the weather and schedule permit, I’ll make a point of getting out more. As I said, the scale is the biggest indicator. This tiny little increase is a reminder of just how potent this stuff is. Had that shit of an endo I first saw jumped me to 100mcg, she might very well have killed me.

I was frustrated yesterday because I was unable to meet with Helen due to tech issues. Apparently, every Friday, she works out of an office building instead of her house. Well, they were having problems due to storm damage. Between my schedule and other appointments, we won’t be able to meet again until the 16th.

Not much of a storm season so far. And of course, anytime it has rained, I’ve been asleep. Tom said the last time there was mild thunder.

No leaks visible in the bidet I prefer that Tom fixed with epoxy and installed in my bathroom so I can have a drier booty. Saves on toilet paper too.

It’s looking like I’m definitely cured down there. Will have him play peekaboo later to see if he can see anything he shouldn’t see.

GrammarlyGO is pretty cool. It generates a paragraph for you based on a word prompt you provide. Although I may not use it much, it's fun to play around with. Love how it also rewrites our own sentences/paragraphs if we don't quite like the way it came out.

Word prompt: rat.

I recently saw a rat scurry across the sidewalk, and it made me jump. I know they're just part of the urban ecosystem, but they still give me the creeps!

Word prompt: dream.

Last night I had the most vivid dream. I was walking through a field of wildflowers, the sun was shining and the air was warm. As I walked, I felt a sense of peace and happiness that I haven't felt in a long time. It was like all my worries and fears had disappeared, and I was free to just enjoy the moment. I wish I could have stayed in that dream forever.

Word prompt: sing.

I love to sing! It's one of my favorite things to do. Whether I'm singing in the shower, in the car, or on stage, there's nothing quite like the feeling of letting my voice soar. There's something so freeing about belting out a song, letting all my emotions out in the lyrics and melody. I may not have the best voice in the world, but I know that when I sing, I'm expressing myself in a way that nothing else can match. So if you ever need a karaoke partner or just someone to jam out with, count me in!

Word prompt: doll.

I used to love playing with dolls when I was younger. I had a whole collection of them and spent hours dressing them up and pretending they were real. It's funny to think back on it now, but there was something so comforting about having those little companions to talk to and take care of. I even had a special doll that my grandma gave me that I treasured above all the others. It had been hers when she was a child and she passed it down to me as a keepsake. I still have it to this day and every time I look at it, it brings back so many happy memories.

Word prompt: diary.

Dear Diary,

Today was quite eventful. I woke up early and went for a jog around the park. The fresh air and morning sun felt invigorating. After that, I spent some time catching up on work emails and organizing my schedule for the week.

In the afternoon, I met up with some friends for lunch. We went to a new restaurant that just opened up in town and the food was amazing! We chatted and laughed for hours, catching up on each other's lives.

Later on, I went to the gym for a workout. It was a tough one, but I pushed through and felt great afterward. I ended the day by reading a book in bed, feeling content and grateful for all the blessings in my life.

Until tomorrow,
[Miss Rainbow]

Ray removed all of the statues around the front and side of his place except for the large pelican. Surprisingly, though, work hasn’t yet begun on his yard.

My heart rate dropped to 68 in my sleep for the first time in weeks and I got a sleep score of 90. For a while, it was only getting down to around 73. It’s a good thing I’m caught up on my sleep because it looks like we’re in for more thunderstorms. And of course, they’re going to happen when I’m sleeping. Really didn’t think we would have much of a storm season, because it’s been so dry here. But I swear it’s like a switch has been flicked on.

I was quickly and easily able to schedule a cleaning appointment online with my dentist for the 1st. I worry I have yet another cavity because I’ve been feeling some stinging. Argh!

They say that most individuals can only be pushed so far before they snap. Well, what I’m wondering these days is how far society is going to let itself be pushed before it fights back.

The abortion fight isn’t just sad, infuriating, and worrisome. It’s utterly batshit, over-the-top ridiculous. I mean just fucking insane! All this bickering back and forth from both sides over something that should be nobody’s business but the women it personally involves. I’m truly embarrassed for these people and their behavior.

When the abortion pill is heavily restricted if not banned completely, I wonder if that’s what it’s going to finally take for the people of this country to start fighting back. If not, how many more rights and freedoms have to be snatched before society finally gets fed up enough to start eradicating some of these extremists who are turning so many lives upside down? Just like an abusive partner or spouse doesn’t usually stop on their own, crazy flourishes where crazy is allowed to do so. When will it be time to do more than just shout in the streets while waving signs? If people don’t put their foot down, sooner or later this is going to escalate into something this country has probably never seen before in its existence.

I was really hoping I would be sleeping later by now just in case Ray starts having work done on his place this week. I’ll be crashing in the late morning, though. It’s still hard to believe someone would spend that much money to widen their driveway for visitors, especially here, but with my shit luck, he was dead serious about doing that and not just thinking about it. Tom thinks he may back out because of the costs. Nah, I think this guy has a lot more money than we do.

I’m in a blah mood right now. Not quite depressed but not good either. I definitely need to get out, and Tom and I will see to that as soon as I’m staying up later, even if it’s mostly to play the damn appointment game. My eyes are gonna be sensitive to the sun since I’ve been indoors since my surgery. One appointment I have to make is for the dentist because as usual, I have another fucking cavity. It’s on the upper left molar behind the new bridge. So sick of all these dental and health issues!

All my bandages came off yesterday. The scars are healing nicely, but I still seem to have some upper belly bloating. I’m surprised I’m not itching like crazy.

I wish I could be excited about the future, but honestly, I’m just not. I just don’t see any room left for surprises in our lives at our ages. Not good ones anyway. I forget that when he gets back to work the money will be in addition to his retirement and not in place of it, so getting a full-time job he really doesn’t want to lose isn’t critical. He assured me that if they fire him because he has to cart me around to too many doctors, he’ll just get another one. It still sucks either way.

I'm sure this is pure fantasy just like everything else we hope and plan for but since we are where we are in life, it would be nice if he only had to work long enough to get us out of debt and upgrade this place. Then he would quit and not go back to work until the debt mounted again or we wanted to do something expensive like go cruising or fly off to wherever. Only problem is it would take a hell of a lot more than just part-time or a few months to get ahead and get this place upgraded. It sucks because it's like our only choice is for him to work and us to have more money which is good but less time together as opposed to him staying home and us being broke. Either way, we can't do much. He either stays home and we don't have money to do things or he goes to work and he doesn't have time for things while I don't have the energy whether he’s home or not.

I was pretty tired all night and even took a nap. I slept OK, so I’m not sure why I’m tired. I guess my body is still healing although this is also common for me.

I’m still undecided as to whether or not I really want to go to a cardiologist and get that baseline established that Tom thinks would be good to do. On the one hand, I can’t imagine anything wrong being discovered. But then with my track record of them finding things wrong, I’m afraid of what they may come up with.

Is it selfish to hope you die before your husband? I don’t want to leave him alone, of course, but at the same time, even though I know he loves the hell out of me, I feel like he wouldn’t be nearly as lonely and lost without me as I would without him. Plus, he can drive himself where he needs to go. Because he’s more independent, I think that he would be able to handle living alone a lot easier than I ever could these days. It’s both sad and scary to think about either way but my mind can’t help but go to these dark places at times and wonder who will go first. Or better yet, will I go first while he lives on to die of natural causes, or will he die with me quickly following because I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to live without him? Then I wonder about a possible afterlife, and it all spirals out of control in my mind that I need to kill the hurricane in my brain and get back to whatever pleasant thoughts I can manage to muster up in my mind. That whole trying to live in the moment thing doesn’t always work for me. I’m trying, though!

I just published some old entries from the early 90s on MD and was reading an excerpt where my mother demands I call her only once a month. So typical of her and so stupid of me to put up with someone like that. It was unacceptable behavior from someone not related to me, and twice as unacceptable from my own damn mother. We both knew damn well it wasn’t really about money. It was that the bitch couldn’t stand me. She always hated me. Or at least she hated having to listen to me on the phone or be around me in any way. What mother wants her daughter who lives nearly 3000 miles away to call just 12 times a year?

Sure enough, my yeast infection symptoms flared back up. So now I’m going to be trying a single-dose pill of Diflucan. I’m skeptical that one pill can kill this shit but we’ll see. I just can’t get a fucking break! Maybe I just needed to do a 7-day treatment instead of a 3-day.

I also have that yucky thrush that leaves my mouth feeling gross that I get when I don’t have yogurt. Kroger will deliver that tomorrow and a few other things. After we use up the three deliveries we get without having to pay a delivery fee, we’ll go back to Walmart. Yes, Walmart does a shitty job but they’re cheaper and we’re more familiar with their stuff. They also don’t seem to be as out of stock as Kroger is.

I asked Tom if he would want to live another 50 to 100 years if he could, and he said sure he would. Me? I’m not so sure. This country is still heading in the wrong direction and even if it wasn’t, I just can’t imagine living that long. Especially with limited money which wouldn’t allow us to do as much. I’m really worried about our future. I know whatever is going to be is going to be, and we’ll have little to no control over it. But I worry about him having to work until he dies. I’m even more worried about him not being able to work and not having enough money to live on.

I could never “see” us redoing the floors and other things here and assumed that meant we would eventually be moving because his program worked out. Now I’m starting to think I don’t see it because we’re not moving and we’re not going to have the money to make the upgrades. Oh, well. As long as he stays healthy and I don’t get as anxious as I used to. After just five months, I’m not ready to breathe a sigh of relief and think I’ve escaped that shit. It’s way too soon.

No insomnia yesterday. I guess the long stretches caught up to me because I actually fell asleep a couple hours earlier than normal and slept 8 hours.

The new hair dye and hair dye kit are great. You get a much more natural look with this stuff because it covers more evenly. Just a little darker than I prefer. I suppose I can always lighten it up later on.

I had a dream we were helping these two homeless women that we took in. I swear one of them looked like Marsha C from Valleyhead and Nancy K from jail. They were still young, though, and he seemed willing to help them but I didn’t trust them. They seemed to sense this and hung out with him more often on one side of the house which didn’t look like this place while I worried on the other side that they were making a mess and worse. Worse as in seriously taking advantage of Tom.

Got our first Kroger delivery and it was pretty good. Not sure if we’re going to stick with them or not. They are more expensive, but we may have no choice because we just can’t get Walmart to do the job properly. Their site seemed simple enough to navigate. The only thing I don’t like is that you have to keep loading more results. I kind of like the nutritional score that most of their items have. I don’t take it too seriously, but it’s cool to see.

When I informed Andy that I would be getting my gallbladder removed, I thought about how he would tell Judy. Sure enough, he said she said something about one of my parents getting theirs removed (which I’d forgotten about until I read back on an old journal entry from decades ago), and that right there told me that, yes, he’s still filling her in on what’s going on with me which means others are being filled in as well. I don’t know why, but this bugs me. It isn’t that he’s sharing top-secret information that I want to be kept between us. Believe me, if it was that private, I wouldn’t share it with him. It’s just that it’s no one’s business. Why does anyone I’m not friends with need to know what’s going on with me unless I tell them directly or share it in a public journal entry? Why would she care, not that she has ill feelings toward me? I’m flattered he feels I’m that interesting to discuss. But what about what’s going on with him and in his life? Is his own life that boring?

I got a text with a link for my dental cleaning but the link takes me to a blank page. I jumped on their website and was pleased to find that you can schedule online. Hopefully, it works when it comes time to start scheduling the rest of my appointments. I need to get new glasses first. Things are getting pretty blurry.

Jessie’s upset because her doctor wants her to remain on 88s. She said she’s gained 4-5 lbs. What’s weird is that she won’t give me her numbers. I keep asking and she says she’ll have to look on the computer. I know her memory isn’t great, but is it really that bad, and is it really that hard for her to check? I was just curious but whatever. She needs to go by how she feels and not what the numbers say, just like I do.

I’m starting to wonder if my dose increase is what’s been causing my insomnia lately. I don’t have any other symptoms, but I’m staying up for around 19 hours and not sleeping as long. Jessie says she doesn’t sleep as long on higher doses. Tom thinks it's because I haven't been as active due to the surgery. The only time I slept more was in the first 3-4 days after surgery. If the upper belly bloating doesn’t go down, I’m going to be getting a little concerned because the AI bot said it could be gas or fluid buildup. My bandages are getting closer to falling off. They’re slowly peeling off. Some of them are barely hanging on.

Last night I was mostly in a blah mood, but we think it was because it was nighttime and I spent the bulk of it alone. We had fun playing the new golf course and gathering lost balls. It’s an Egyptian-themed course called Temple at Zerzura. I beat him by one point, even though it was my first time playing and his second time.

I was able to hit the road for 20 minutes yesterday. Reaching the Belgian border is definitely going to be delayed due to the surgery. I’m 19% through the trip now. Robert announced that the next challenge will involve flowers which is fine with me since I love them.

I asked Irma’s opinion on Ray’s talk about widening his driveway and if she thought it was for visitors or if someone could be moving in, and she thinks it’s for visitors. I hope so because, fortunately, he doesn’t have them that often. It would be even better if he decided it was too much money and not worth it. She did say he was considering moving here permanently and would be returning with a lot of stuff from Michigan. Not a bunch of noisy power tools, I hope!

He may have started using his lanai because I saw one of the windows open.

I’ve been missing many of the Jewish foods I grew up on. I looked up some of the recipes but they’re not that easy to make. Gribenes, Kishka, Kugel, Matzo ball soup, lox, potato latkes, and more. I got some Matzo flatbread to snack on.

I don’t remember my dreams the last time around but before that, I had a dream I was hanging out with Andy. We both had Fitbits, even though he’s never had an interest in having one. There were some vital numbers we were checking out that might have been related to blood pressure, and he looked at his and was pleased by what he saw. I read mine off and he said, “Damn!” knowing they weren’t good. Then I started whimpering as if I was afraid I didn’t have much longer to go.

In real life, I’m still guessing it’s very unlikely my mildly prominent main pulmonary artery means anything. And I definitely don’t feel like I have one foot in the grave either.

I may have gotten to escape listening to Ray get his new AC put in, but I’m not going to escape the annoyances over there that are about to come. May even be a little more than just annoying. The bitch’s motorcycle; that’s annoying. This may border on maddening, and who knows how much sleep I may lose, depending on when it’s done.

I haven’t gone out because I’m still recovering but Tom met Ray. He talked to him and a guy he had out for an estimate on rocks for his yard. It’s not rocks I’m worried about. He’s only doing the front and that takes a day or two. It’s the fact that he wants to widen his driveway that has me concerned. He asked if it was for a golf cart and he said no, it was for a vehicle. My first question was, why does he need a second vehicle? Tom thinks it’s for friends to park. But why would you spend $500 or more for friends to park when they can park in the street? They don’t want you parking in the street overnight, but there’s no reason you can’t park on the street when visiting people. I worried it was so he could have room to set up a workshop but Tom says it’s too humid for that here and he doesn’t seem like the type. Maybe someone’s moving in with him?

Well, he definitely has money if he can get a new AC and then rocks for his yard, which costs twice as much as sod, and widen his driveway while he’s at it. What’s next? The roof and the windows? I asked Irma, and she said the roof is 18 years old with 30-year shingles so maybe it will be 12 years before I have to listen to that. The windows are definitely the original, though.

I really hope he is doing all this for visitors because they’re going to widen it in our direction which means the cars are going to be closer to the wall of our house. This will be a maddening project compared to laying the rocks. It’s going to take a week or more and not only involve loud vehicles but a shitload of sawing and hammering too. The hammering would be the biggest threat to my sleep.

I knew this guy was too quiet to be true and that he wouldn’t stay this quiet forever, and somehow I doubt he’s taking off for Michigan in May either.

Rocks are so much more expensive here than they were in California because they have to haul them from further away.

I asked Tom if he got the sense that he might get a dog and he said that was harder to tell. He said he doesn’t seem healthy enough to ride a motorcycle. Says he doesn’t seem in the greatest health but not like he’s gonna die any time soon either.

So I won’t be sleeping well if I’m on nights when all this happens, and I’ll be driven crazy by the noise if I’m on days. Good thing I just charged up my headphones.

Irma was surprised when I told her he got a new AC because she said the AC guy said to keep it until it stopped because the new ones aren’t as good as the old ones.

The same delivery driver came today and this time quietly. I thanked Amazon on Twitter and said it was too bad they couldn’t take care of satisfying their Alexa customers as quickly as with annoying delivery drivers. But this time they gave me a new tip that might actually work. They told me to tell Alexa, “Stop by the ways,” and Alexa said she would snooze that for now. I’m sure the annoyances will pick up again within a month or so but if it will work for periods of time, why not?

Gmail has a promotional tab and who should they want to promote to me? Gastro Florida of course. No thanks!

Shoving foreign objects up my lady pouch without lube is not a comfortable experience. When I do the final insert, I’m just gonna shove it up there with my finger. The treatment seems to be doing the trick so far, but that’s what I thought about the antibiotics. I’m not about to jinx myself by assuming this problem has finally been resolved. Every time I do, the burning flares back up. I am at least a little hopeful, though, given my symptoms.

Despite feeling confident that I don’t have pulmonary hypertension, I do kind of dread going to the cardiologist only because I’m afraid of what they might turn up that I wasn’t aware of. In the less than two years we’ve been in Florida, they’ve already discovered three things I didn’t even know I had. A fatty tumor they have to make sure isn’t growing. A dead gallbladder. And now enlarged lung arteries. Makes me wonder what other hidden little gems my body may be hiding that are just waiting to be discovered.

I have more fatigue today than yesterday, but I haven’t been able to nap.

I told Jessie I wish I had her problem where she has to beg for more thyroid medication while I have to beg my doctors not to push more on me since I don't feel well in the normal range. If my TSH gets under a 6, then I have epic anxiety. I'd rather stay fat and calm.

I thought about it and decided to just forget about the home improvement list. It isn’t that I don’t want to do these things but I’m tired of setting unobtainable goals. You can’t fail to reach your dreams and meet your goals if you stop dreaming and stop making plans. From here on out, it’s best to just make do with what we’ve got. In order to keep me occupied, whenever he manages to return to work, that’s when I’ll really tackle reorganizing this place and making things fit better into what little space we have now that we’ve gotten settled.

As for the carpet and the way it’s rough on my feet, there’s always lotion or shoes.

As for doing a thorough soundproofing of the bedroom, the storm seasons are likely to have fewer and fewer storms due to drier conditions. I really believe this is a new trend for this area that will exist for many years to come.

The voice tweet I left a few days ago has eight listens. I should be flattered, LOL. Yeah, sometimes I like to speak what’s on my mind instead of voice-typing it. Like how fucked up Walmart is. They have been screwing up every single fucking order lately Tom is spending more time on the phone with them than is worth the savings of not having to go to the store. They’re not giving us everything we order, or they’re giving us the wrong items, or they’re giving me rotten fruit and veggies. We definitely need to find an alternative. As much as I hate crowds, if it was that easy, I would just go get the stuff myself, because then I could see exactly what we were getting. We might look into Kroger which does deliveries, but I have a feeling they’re going to be pretty pricey.

I can kind of see where they would be cracking down on cell phones at work, but I still don’t understand why nobody’s doing anything to put a damper on delivery drivers from blasting music. I literally had to get dressed and go out and shoo the Amazon driver away. Not only did he deliver the package with music blasting, but he sat there in front of the house for several minutes. I didn’t need it and the neighbors didn’t need it. I complained on Twitter and Amazon, but I doubt anything will change.

We decided to splurge on some things, so we both got new shorts from Amazon and I got a clear purse with light pink straps. It’s a little on the small side but good for running out to stores and doctors. This way, I don’t have to hunt for things. If God forbid we ever get to vacation again, then I would take my regular, bigger purse.

From a site called Temu, we got several things for dirt cheap. He got a scrubber for doing the inside of the car windows, garden gloves, and a sink drain for his bathroom.

I got doll clothes for my 18-inch dolls. 14 pieces in all. The whole order came to just over $50. I got 8 dresses, 3 top/bottom sets, a swimsuit, pajamas, and a jumpsuit.

Happy 42nd birthday, Aly! Kim and I miss you so much. If you’re out there somewhere in some kind of afterlife, I hope you’re having a blast. I hope you’re getting to do all the things you didn’t get to do when you were alive.

It just seems so unfair. She should be home now after working with kids which she loved. She should be checking in with me on Skype to tell me about her day and hear about mine. She should be opening the package I sent her and telling me about other cards and gifts she received. I should be hearing about the progress she’s making on her story for Camp Nano and sharing mine. Maybe even asking her opinion or advice on whatever I’m writing since she was a better writer. She should be filling me in on what’s going on with her and Cam, real or imagined. We should be laughing over some silly shit Molly tweeted while we were at it.

I know I wrote that I felt a bit hurt that Jessie hadn’t checked in more often. Well, she proved that she is still a caring friend after all because I awoke to a message from her asking how I was doing. She said she didn’t want to bug me and wake me up by messaging me, but I assured her that I not only appreciated her taking the time to check in, but the phones and computers could never wake me up because they’re not near me. Well, one phone is but I have all the sounds off.

Even Kim checked in with me and that really put a smile on my face. I really miss her. I miss all my friends. I’m talking about Nurse Kim, not Crazy Kim. I’ll email Crazy Kim later. Since Aly was a mutual friend of ours, I know she’s sad too.

I’m still having some shortness of breath, soreness and fatigue, but I’m definitely on the mend. Being able to sleep on my stomach, even if not for long, feels luxurious.

It was great to be able to go to France for 15 minutes and hit the road again. I’ve got about 1770 miles to go.

The antibiotics caused a yeast infection so now I’m treating that. One thing after another, I swear!

Later...

Warning! This entry contains some medical talk that may be a bit on the gross side for some people, so viewer discretion is definitely advised.

I wonder if I ever really had a UTI. Thank God for Tom because I had him look down there to see if he found any discoloration or raised spots I wasn't feeling and he said I had white globs down there which told me I had a yeast infection. I was so fucking frustrated. Lab results said I had no UTI yet the last UTI test strip I used was red and I was burning like crazy. My doctor recommended I go to urgent care if I didn't want to wait to get into a GYN. This was the last thing I wanted to do, of course, and that was when I thought to have Tom take a peek down there. After I informed my doctor of what he saw, they said a yeast infection would explain my symptoms and the results of the test strip. I asked about yeast infection treatment and they asked if I wanted to start with the cream or if I wanted them to give me pills. Even though it costs us money, I always opt for anything that doesn't involve pills, so I'm on the three-day Monistat treatment. They said they didn't recommend one-day treatment. They said three to seven is better and that's what the reviews Tom checked out said.

Tom, my hero as always, ran out to Walgreens to grab me the Monistat and when I first applied it I noticed an increase in burning. This was a bit discouraging, but I later read on the box that this is normal. It took several hours, but the burning finally backed off. I just hope that this time it stays that way! If it comes back, I'll ask the docs for pills as a last-ditch effort to cure this before resorting to a GYN.

Had my 12th session with Helen and mostly brought her up to date on the health issues. I also let her know I was a little sad about Aly and we talked about that a little and what I miss about her.

She also asked me what I would say to my foster mom if she was still alive.

Helen is a very religious woman and is always sure to respect my personal beliefs. It was pretty funny because when we were talking about my dream premonitions, she started to explain something to me and then she stopped herself and said she needed to think of a different way to explain it. That's when I came out and asked, “Were you going to tell me that God gave me that gift?” LOL.

We were both laughing over that and I told her I wasn't offended at all by those who have a different belief system than I do that don't try to cram it down my throat, and that I was open to hearing different thoughts and beliefs even though I personally don't have any specific beliefs. I have a lot of theories and ideas but not set beliefs.

We were also talking about how I missed certain aspects of my past. Just the way I looked at some things and the way I felt at different times. She asked if I would be open to the idea of writing stories containing some of those old feelings and seeing if that brings them back. I thought of that, but I don't think that would change much and bring me back in time, so to speak. I'm not the same person with the same life, mind, and body I had years ago. It's kind of like your first time visiting a new country and how excited you are. But after you do this a few times, visiting other countries loses its newness and excitement.

Still out of it. This may be another one of those entries I'll have to do in chunks. Right now, it's just after 10:00 a.m. Eastern time.

It's hot and humid, but still no rain here. This is just too weird. Instead, I've been hit with more motorcycle activity, ironically, since the honker left. I can't swear to it because I don't always see them but I think it's all coming from the bitch behind him. She and her little buddy are riding more and more. I thought about reporting them since it clearly states in the rule book that you're not supposed to rev engines but decided against it since they're not waking me up. Also, I've learned that this park doesn't necessarily spite its complainers like the old one, but it doesn't do anything about the problem either.

It also has a twisted sense of priority. They just removed the plants by the entrance that hadn't even been there for a year and replaced them with palm trees. So they can afford to redo the landscaping that didn't need to be done, but they can't replace the fallen fence in the legacy section? Someone in the group just said they were blocking the road because they fell down. LOL.

More to come later...

And now it’s coming up on 2:00 p.m. Most of the pain has subsided, but I’m still pretty out of it. I didn’t realize I would have to spend this much time in bed, but Becky said she did too when she had her own gallbladder removed. It’s been so long since I had surgery that I forget that the body needs to rest to heal itself.

I at least managed to polish my nails hot pink.

Ordered another pair of shorts, too. The XXL shorts are big on me but comfortable so I decided to keep them. I’ll have a pair in black as well as gray.

I also got some developer for the dye I got and a hair-dyeing kit.

Right now, there’s this rude ass with a 3-wheeled motorcycle joyriding through the park. It’s not as loud as your average motorcycle, but it’s loud enough. They just made the fourth pass. Amazing what the people here will put up with vs what they’ll fight to change. Of course, I’ve had to hear from the bitch a couple of times too. I think her buddy just left.

Tom and I talked about it and we’re pretty sure I don’t have pulmonary hypertension, even though we’re going to get it checked out. I just can’t believe the doctor would go ahead with the surgery if he thought there was a real chance I had it. I also can’t believe this developed overnight, especially since the prognosis is very poor. About three years without treatment and seven with treatment.

Tomorrow, I meet with Helen on what would have been Aly’s 42nd birthday. I’m feeling sad over that and very overwhelmed at the moment. Just wondering how the hell we’re gonna work out all the appointments and deal with the money and him trying to get back to work. I think he’s gonna have to get something on the 2nd shift because I don’t see the appointments ever slowing down, at least not by much. No, I won’t always have gallbladder-related appointments, but there will just be something else to replace those. It's not in my cards to ever have a place that I truly love. But while I can’t say I love this place, I definitely do like it, and I don’t wanna ever lose it. Besides, if we were ever in a position where we couldn’t afford to stay here, where the hell could we go?

There they go again for the sixth or seventh time. I’ve lost count of how many. I don’t think it’s an actual motorcycle. It’s some kind of tricked-out cart. Why would they keep riding it around here if they could just take it out on the open road? Tom just said he saw it and that it can go on the road. He said he thinks they’re just showing it off. If that’s something you feel the need to do, then why not go to the city?

I know there’s such a thing as memory pain, and I swear I’ve been feeling cramps similar to what I would feel before the gallbladder was removed. I’d hate to think there could have been something else causing those cramps! I’m already regretting this surgery as it is.

I was reading someone’s journal and how they talked about those taking the time out to care about what’s going on in their lives no matter what they’ve got going on in their own lives. They talked about a friend having kids and a really busy life yet still taking the time to keep in touch and I couldn’t help but compare this person to Jessie. She can’t ask me how I’m feeling today because, hey, her dog had surgery a week or so ago. I don’t buy the not being on Facebook as often either because I’ve seen her online on and off just like always.

I get it. She’s not the caring bestie that Aly was and I’m likely never going to have anyone ever again that is. Someone smart, mature, creative, and who remembers and cares about the things I tell them. Someone that shares what’s going on with them with me as well. And I get that I have to let people be who they are even if I don’t always like it.

Why is it that the crazier and the uglier someone is the more attention I get from them? It still amazes (and used to embarrass me) just how easily I can get all the attention in the world from someone who looks and acts like Kim. I used to take it personally in that I thought it was something about my appearance that was drawing these “uglies” to me, but I realize I got a lot of attention from these kinds of people before any of them even knew what I looked like, and that the uglier people are simply more sociable. I’m not sure why this is, but that’s just the way it seems to be. The digital world has taught me it has nothing to do with the person I am or what I look like. I just wish I could have Aly back no matter what the hell she looked like! Personality is way more important to me than appearance.

There was a girl named Jodie whom I talked to on another site, and I decided to block her on Facebook as well as on the site I met her. I hope she won’t notice because I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I’m just looking out for myself, is all, and following the instinct I should have followed earlier.

Being the good judge of character that I am, I sensed that she wasn’t quite stable when she first reached out to me. She asked to connect on Facebook, and my too-nice self came out and agreed. Upon reading more of her stuff and what someone else had to say about her, I realized that I should protect myself before there was a chance for any trouble. I’m not saying there would be, but why take that chance? Why not go with what my gut instinct is telling me? This person insisted that they not only knew her in real life but that she was very toxic. The kind that will spite you if you piss her off. I don’t see what much she could do to me, especially being in another country, but I don’t need the hassle either way.

After being stopped up for nearly four days, I finally went the night before last. There was no pain but I did start burning again right after I went. That made me wonder if something was wrong with my poo and never in my UT. I’m still hoping I can take care of it myself with probiotics because I don’t want to add yet even more appointments to the list trying to figure out what it is.

I'm still in a lot of pain, although my breathing is still back to normal. I had to remind Jessie that I had the surgery. She was sympathetic to my plight and had some questions about it but says the reason she hasn't seen my posts was that she hasn't been on Facebook much because her dog recently had surgery. Yeah, whatever. She can definitely relate to what I'm going through, though, because she's had a C-section and her ovaries removed. So she knows what it's like to have her guts cut up.

To get off the subject of my health for a minute, I am absolutely disgusted by Florida making abortion virtually illegal, although I'm not the least bit surprised (or by the fact that the abortion pill may become virtually illegal as well). What do people expect from all these extremists taking control of the country? And when the hell are they going to fight back? I mean really fight back. Not just scream in the streets. Like it or not, sometimes two wrongs really do make a right. Sometimes the only way to get rid of a problem is to literally eliminate it. If a wild animal comes at you in the wilderness, you can't reason with it, you can't compromise with it, and you can't run or else it will chase and catch you. You can only eradicate it. I truly believe that sometimes it's like that with evil people.

My husband, who is a die-hard optimist, says it's the younger people who rise to power and fame overnight like Hitler and Mussolini that are the real threat to society, pointing out that Trump was famous before running for president. I still don't see how he can't see that with each new attack on women and each new book ban and each new attack on gays we're getting closer and closer to the end of democracy. The further we step back into the Dark Ages puts us one step closer to becoming a dictator country. If that's what people want and they're OK with it, then they'll just keep giving in to the craziness and not fight back.

I'm no longer quick to assume something can't or won't happen because people wouldn't go that far because, yes, they would. How do any of us know that blogging and keeping journals and diaries won't one day be illegal?

Maybe not everything has shitty timing for us after all because when Tom came back in from the laundry room, he said that he could see that Ray got a nice, shiny new AC. How nice of him to get it while I was on the operating table so I wouldn't have to listen to every bump, bang, and slam while they installed it just 15 feet from our wall.

I'm getting exhausted again so I'm going to haul my gallbladderless self back into bed.

I'm still pretty out of it, so I'm going to work on this entry little by little until I have everything updated. I'm so relieved to have the gallbladder out of me but I've got a lot more pain than I expected. On a scale of 1 to 10, I would give it an 8. Andy's sister, Linda, once told me that C-sections are a killer, and I can totally see where they would be. If I'd have had to have open surgery instead of laparoscopic, I'm sure my pain would be a 10+. Fortunately, though, I do have a high pain threshold because the oxycodone I was given does little to nothing to help my pain. I don't understand why so many people get addicted to this stuff. If I sit still for a while or lie down or I'm standing, it's not that bad. It's when I get up and down. The worst is getting out of bed. I kind of have to roll out of it and even that hurts. Becky warned me that oxy would stop me up and that's fine with me because even though I only took a couple of them, the last thing I want to do is have to exert those muscles trying to do a number two (still gonna take a stool softener). It hurts enough if I laugh or breathe in deeply. I can't bend over far either.

I got the results of the pre-op testing. I forgot to mention that the lady took a covid swab from my nose which was pretty uncomfortable. It was negative, as expected. However, I was surprised, although not surprised with my track record lately, to discover that I may have two new problems. First, my kidney function is down a bit. Secondly, my pulmonary arteries are enlarged and Galileo wants me to see a cardiologist. I tell you, it's just one thing after another! So frustrating too. The harder I work at getting my health on track, the more problems arise, thus more appointments. I swear the appointments multiply like cockroaches. Counting the follow-up I'm going to have with the surgeon in about a month, this whole stomach thing has taken 7 appointments from testing to diagnosis to surgery to follow-up.

Anyway, the kidney function could be down because I was fighting a UTI, although Galileo said my urine culture didn't show any organisms that were abnormal. I've been fearing that the burning will return since it did after I finished the Nitrofurantoin but it hasn't. At least not yet. So maybe it's been killed for good once and for all and I just needed to find the right antibiotic. Bactrim definitely did the trick.

Not sure what to think as far as the pulmonary hypertension goes. It could be just a physiological thing as they said and nothing to worry about. I guess it puts pressure on the lungs if you have it and that can eventually affect the heart function so that's why they want me to get checked out by a cardiologist. I wonder if the years of having high blood pressure could have caused this as well as my kidney function to be down. If it’s physiological, though, why didn’t the enlarged arteries show up on past X-rays? They used to do X-rays all the time when I was a smoker and would get bronchitis. Not sure what to think, but I'm not gonna worry about it at the moment. Whatever will be is going to be. I've pretty much given up on getting healthier. Meaning I don't think I'm ever going to be as healthy as I used to be. I don't think this is the beginning of the end so much as the beginning of a long string of problems that I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life. I don't think the golden years are going to be so golden. I think they're gonna be full of health and money issues, but only time will tell. Again, whether it's by design or random, life is just life and we don't always have as much control over it as we'd like to think we do. All we can do is do our best and hope for the best.

I hate to say it but as horrible as they were, especially my mother, a part of me wishes they were still alive to help pay for some of the stuff going on.

Back to pulmonary hypertension. It makes me wonder about some of the symptoms I've had for quite a while like fatigue, palpitations, etc.

They say bad things happen in threes, including death. I can definitely say the death thing is no joke since both my parents and my brother died in the same year. My thyroid crapped out on me, then my gallbladder, and I wonder what's next. I just hope it's not a vital part that can't be treated!

Time for a break. I gotta go lay down.

Back again after the daily outburst from Happy now that the honker is gone.

It still hasn't rained here. We've definitely got a drought going on. Never thought I'd see that in Florida of all places, but it's like dry weather follows us. We move to Cali, and it gets drier and drier. We move here, and we get the same thing. Fort Lauderdale seems to be the opposite. They got slammed with record rain that they had to close the airport. Why can’t that happen here?! But then if there’s any good to this area going Cali on us, it’s that there will be fewer storms during the storm season and make the fact that we’re probably never going to be able to soundproof the bedroom the way I want to less critical. At least until they build something in the vacant lot behind us.

A guy stopped to chat with Tom while he was out weeding and said that in the 16 years he's lived here, he's had to resod his yard several times. We wouldn't do that, though, if our grass died. We would give up and switch to gravel. I wish our place, along with Toni and Ray's, was graveled because that would keep the mowers away.

The Brooksville hospital was way better than Tampa. Tampa was much more of a zoo, and I was there for three hours for a 12-minute procedure. I was at this place for five hours for a one-hour procedure. It could have been longer, though. I was number 3 in line and I guess the first procedure was canceled. The second was just a simple little cyst removal.

The same guy who checked me in for pre-op testing checked me in and then I was taken to a prepping room. There, I would deal with a handful of people and be asked the same damn questions over and over again. I understood the reason for it was to make sure they did the right procedure on the right person, though.

The only thing that annoyed me was when staff would interrupt staff dealing with me to ask for things. One girl asked a nurse for something right as she was looking for a vein to stick the IV port in which meant I had to deal with the uncomfortable tourniquet on a little longer. Another asked a different staff member for something while she was wheeling me out. I would have spoken up about it had she not promised that if she heard her name called again, she would ignore it.

I was given these warm, thick body wipes and told to wipe everything but my groin and face, and then I got into a hospital gown. I was given a bag for my clothes and Tom hung onto that as well as my purse.

Once on the bed, I was hooked up to several things. They stuck leads on me to monitor my heart. They put an oxygen reader on my finger. Plus, these leg cuffs to help circulate the blood. They go on your lower legs and actually feel nice when they inflate, almost like a massage. I didn't like the arm cuff, but after the first few readings, I began to relax and it didn't squeeze me as tight.

Not surprisingly, they had problems getting one of the IVs in. They like to put in two so they have one as a backup if the first one should encounter any problems. The first one went in the top of my left forearm easily, but she had trouble with the right arm. She first put one in my hand and it hurt a bit because it's a sensitive area. Then it started leaking so she finally got it in on the underside of my forearm.

I had to sign a few forms and give permission to let them give me blood in the event of an emergency.

So after meeting with three nurses, the doctor, the anesthesiologist, and the breather, it was time to go. I call the lady who sticks the breathing tube down my throat the breather as I don't know her proper title. Maybe some kind of respiratory therapist. Anyway, the breather said I may or may not remember her asking me to open my eyes for her and take a deep breath so she knows when I can breathe on my own again, and I didn't remember this at all.

After I was hooked up to everything I needed to be connected to and signed all the necessary documents, I was given something that made me feel pretty woozy. I wasn't knocked out suddenly like I was for the endoscopy. I don't even remember being knocked out actually. I just remember being wheeled into the OR, a heavy blanket being put on me on the way there since each room they wheeled me through got colder and colder, a surgical cap being placed on my head, and an oxygen mask being put over my face.

Back again the next day. Maybe today is the day I'll actually finish this entry.

OMG, I've totally come to regret having this surgery! If you don't absolutely need your gallbladder removed, don't do it! The cramping I had before was nothing compared to this pain. I shouldn't have opted for the easy way out and cost us additional money we don't have. There were no stones, so it wasn't an emergency. Just on and off discomfort. Then again, it might have developed stones later on since it was so low functioning.

My breathing has finally improved, but I'm still in quite a bit of pain. The pain isn't quite as bad as it was but it's still bad enough. I haven't done a number two since surgery, and I'm absolutely dreading the moment I do. Luckily, I didn't puke because that would hurt way worse. After all, I was literally stabbed in the stomach four times. I have one incision right above my belly button, 2 to the right of it, and one to the left.

Picking up where I left off yesterday... Once again, there was no time gap. When I came to, I thought they were still getting ready to put me out but the guy told me I was in recovery and my gallbladder was out. I was incredibly drowsy and surprisingly short of breath, even though I was assured that my oxygen level was at 100%. Even so, I felt like I could only breathe in a quarter of the way. Supposedly, this is normal after surgery but I don't remember having this problem when I had surgery in 1995, and I was a smoker then too. They gave me a tube to inhale through and to help exercise my lungs. Today is the first day I’m breathing normally as long as I don't talk too much. And I talk-type my journal entries, LOL.

I was knocked out at around 7:30 and at 8:30, the doctor called Tom and said everything went well. It was something like 9:20 when I woke up. We left the hospital at noon.

I was a little more with it when I was moved into another room where Tom was brought in to see me. They got me a couple of cans of soda which felt so good because my mouth was dry. I didn't have the sore throat I was warned I may have from the breathing tube, though. No shoulder pain either. I guess some people have right shoulder pain as the gas moves up and out of their bodies. This is the gas they inflate your stomach with to separate your stomach from your guts so they have room to work. I had mild acid reflux and now even milder nausea but that's it so far. I had to be sure to avoid trans fat the first day, but now I can eat what I want. Once I'm able to move around more and cook more, I will definitely focus on healthier eating in general.

I have 4 square dressings covering each incision. The outer ones I was able to peel off after 24 hours. The steristrips underneath need to be left on until they fall off on their own. Still have to sleep on my back or sides too. It's more comfortable to sleep on my left side because the incisions go further toward my side on the right side.

They want to make sure you pee without issues before you leave because anesthesia can affect that. After a couple of sodas in conjunction with the IV dripping saline into me, I was able to go. Then they removed my IV ports and wheeled me out. Tom helped me into the house, of course, when we got back. Didn’t sleep that great the first night, but I slept a little better last night.

Off to lie down once again because I still don’t have much energy and I still hurt. It took me nearly half a dozen tries and two days to get this entry done!