I was really hoping I would be sleeping later by now just in case Ray starts having work done on his place this week. I’ll be crashing in the late morning, though. It’s still hard to believe someone would spend that much money to widen their driveway for visitors, especially here, but with my shit luck, he was dead serious about doing that and not just thinking about it. Tom thinks he may back out because of the costs. Nah, I think this guy has a lot more money than we do.

I’m in a blah mood right now. Not quite depressed but not good either. I definitely need to get out, and Tom and I will see to that as soon as I’m staying up later, even if it’s mostly to play the damn appointment game. My eyes are gonna be sensitive to the sun since I’ve been indoors since my surgery. One appointment I have to make is for the dentist because as usual, I have another fucking cavity. It’s on the upper left molar behind the new bridge. So sick of all these dental and health issues!

All my bandages came off yesterday. The scars are healing nicely, but I still seem to have some upper belly bloating. I’m surprised I’m not itching like crazy.

I wish I could be excited about the future, but honestly, I’m just not. I just don’t see any room left for surprises in our lives at our ages. Not good ones anyway. I forget that when he gets back to work the money will be in addition to his retirement and not in place of it, so getting a full-time job he really doesn’t want to lose isn’t critical. He assured me that if they fire him because he has to cart me around to too many doctors, he’ll just get another one. It still sucks either way.

I'm sure this is pure fantasy just like everything else we hope and plan for but since we are where we are in life, it would be nice if he only had to work long enough to get us out of debt and upgrade this place. Then he would quit and not go back to work until the debt mounted again or we wanted to do something expensive like go cruising or fly off to wherever. Only problem is it would take a hell of a lot more than just part-time or a few months to get ahead and get this place upgraded. It sucks because it's like our only choice is for him to work and us to have more money which is good but less time together as opposed to him staying home and us being broke. Either way, we can't do much. He either stays home and we don't have money to do things or he goes to work and he doesn't have time for things while I don't have the energy whether he’s home or not.

I was pretty tired all night and even took a nap. I slept OK, so I’m not sure why I’m tired. I guess my body is still healing although this is also common for me.

I’m still undecided as to whether or not I really want to go to a cardiologist and get that baseline established that Tom thinks would be good to do. On the one hand, I can’t imagine anything wrong being discovered. But then with my track record of them finding things wrong, I’m afraid of what they may come up with.

Is it selfish to hope you die before your husband? I don’t want to leave him alone, of course, but at the same time, even though I know he loves the hell out of me, I feel like he wouldn’t be nearly as lonely and lost without me as I would without him. Plus, he can drive himself where he needs to go. Because he’s more independent, I think that he would be able to handle living alone a lot easier than I ever could these days. It’s both sad and scary to think about either way but my mind can’t help but go to these dark places at times and wonder who will go first. Or better yet, will I go first while he lives on to die of natural causes, or will he die with me quickly following because I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to live without him? Then I wonder about a possible afterlife, and it all spirals out of control in my mind that I need to kill the hurricane in my brain and get back to whatever pleasant thoughts I can manage to muster up in my mind. That whole trying to live in the moment thing doesn’t always work for me. I’m trying, though!

I just published some old entries from the early 90s on MD and was reading an excerpt where my mother demands I call her only once a month. So typical of her and so stupid of me to put up with someone like that. It was unacceptable behavior from someone not related to me, and twice as unacceptable from my own damn mother. We both knew damn well it wasn’t really about money. It was that the bitch couldn’t stand me. She always hated me. Or at least she hated having to listen to me on the phone or be around me in any way. What mother wants her daughter who lives nearly 3000 miles away to call just 12 times a year?