In editing out as many typos and grammatical errors as I can a few entries at a time in older journals, I felt a bit ashamed when I read some of the mean stuff I said in the heat of the moment when pissed at those I’m close to. This is all the more reason I hope they don’t stumble upon my blogs. I would never want to intentionally insult or offend anyone just because I said some stupid shit out of momentary anger in the past like most of us do at times.

Reading back on some of the past stuff not only helps me remember things I may have forgotten but to learn from my mistakes as well. I know I could be very mean, judgmental, and critical at times when I should be more tolerant and accepting. Even I admit I am a bit hypocritical at times. I certainly don’t mean to be, but we all make mistakes in life here and there.

Despite saying some nasty things in the heat of the moment, I am kind of torn as to whether or not I want to edit some things out. The thing is that a journal is supposed to be about our lives. Our experiences, our thoughts, our beliefs, our opinions, our everything. So if you were/are a part of my life in any way, then you were likely a part of my journal at some point. As for those who really burned me in the past, I have no qualms about anything I’ve said regarding them. For years, I lived in fear that they would find out my address and come to my door. But then that fear turned to anger and I almost hoped they would. So I have no problem with anything negative I’ve had to say about them. It’s those I’m close to or don’t know well that I feel a little bad about. So if anyone I know finds anything you don’t like, please accept my heartfelt apologies but also understand that whatever it was is likely in the past and was me simply venting. From here on out, I will try to make a point of keeping anything private that a particular person may find offensive. If it’s something negative about a group of people like the Scotus or people in general, then no. I still write for me and I still say no one is obligated to read my stuff. :) That being clarified and out of the way, I will move on.

I think I'm gonna forget the pulmonologist for now. Sometimes we just don’t sleep well and are tired. I still have my doubts about having sleep apnea or anything being wrong with my heart. I didn’t come here to make a career of seeing doctors. Nor do I want to be drowning in paperwork, phone calls and other health work that WE pay a monthly fee for. I know that it wouldn’t be just one appointment and that Tom needs to spend time looking for work. Furthermore, there’s nothing critical going on at the moment.

I’m about 1400 miles to the finish line. I have about 120 miles to go to reach the Belgian border. After I spend a little time in the Netherlands, I still wonder if I’m going to be able to cross the German border. Pretty sure they’re one of the countries that restrict Google Street View, and just because you can map it doesn’t mean you can ride it from what I’ve learned. I couldn’t cross over from South Africa to Namibia.

The night before last, I had fun rat dreams. There were two different dreams. I can’t remember the first one, but the rats were brown in both dreams. In the second dream, we were living in a place that was bigger than this because the living room and kitchen were practically the size of this whole place. Vinyl flooring ran throughout the place, and the rat was so big that it was practically pulling me across the floor when we were playing with the rainbow wand I got in real life. It was very playful and affectionate, and I’m hoping that means we’re going to end up with a great rat when we get it, which should be soon enough. I’m almost half on days again.

We’re looking forward to going to the beach too, for the first time in a while. Energy permitting, of course.

Last night, I didn’t sleep well, and I definitely didn’t have good dreams either. I was up a long time and only slept for six hours. Hopefully, I’ll crash earlier and sleep longer tonight. Or this afternoon to be more exact. I don’t think I’ll crash till the middle of the afternoon. Maybe even late afternoon.

Last night’s dream took place in this house, which is a rarity for me. I rarely dream of where I’m actually living. It’s either some totally foreign place or a strange version of a place I’ve lived in before.

Tom was asleep, but I was awake. It was the middle of the night, and I suddenly suspected the cops were outside. We were wanted for something, I guess. The only things that were different in the dream from reality were that we had a pet cat and the kitchen chairs didn’t have wheels on them. I had dragged a chair into part of the hallway and was working on some project there in total darkness. No clue what I was doing but the cat was asleep by my feet.

I peered around the wall between the little hallway area and the kitchen toward the front of the house. I didn’t see anything but then the kitchen light and another light came on, and I immediately suspected the cops were messing with our Alexas. As quietly as I could, I carried the kitchen chair back to the table, careful to put it down on the floor without making a sound, oblivious to the fact that even if the cops couldn’t see me through the closed blinds, they could probably see shadow movement.

Walmart is back to fucking up our orders again. They left out Tom’s margarine. He called to request a return but was told that people have to wait 48 hours before they can request returns due to fraudulent claims. Tom told the person he didn’t see what that had to do with the drivers not bringing everything we order to us, but we’re not idiots. What the person was really saying was, “Hey, we’ve been getting a shitload of complaints because we’re so incompetent. We’re not going to do a damn thing to improve ourselves either and we’re sick of all the complaints. This way, we hope that most people will forget about what we owe them, and then we will have successfully ripped them off.”

But he’s not going to forget, of course.

My Temu order came yesterday despite it being Memorial Day. The shawl may be a waste because it’s not tight-knit and therefore the rat's nails can go right through it. It's better than nothing though, and easier than pulling a shirt over my head.

When I first pulled out the angel figurine, I was disappointed by how small it was. But then Tom suggested I paint it, and I'm looking forward to doing that.

I was up forever yesterday and slept less than 6 hours, so for the third day in a row, I ended up napping after I got up. I've had decent enough energy throughout the night. 

Fortunately, I haven't had a repeat of the night before where my HR spikes for no apparent reason. It jumped up to 116 for a while. I would have guessed the sugary treats and alcohol I had but then why doesn't it do that every time I have those things? I don't know what to think but I don't think it's anything to worry about. 

Almost every single fucking time I glance at the news these days some politician is preaching hate and advocating violence and exclusion against the GLBT community. I am so fucking sick of this shit and beyond disgusted! Where is all this hate for the murderers, rapists, and child molesters of this world?

The swab my GYN did came back negative, so that’s good. What’s frustrating is that we’re still having to do doctors’ work for them and I’m not willing to do it anymore when we’re the ones paying them and their assistants to do all this shit.

He called the pulmonologist’s office to find out why they haven’t called in regards to an appointment and they claim they didn’t get the info that Galileo said they sent. Now they say they also want the X-rays of my lungs. Why couldn’t they have called to tell us this? Better yet, why can’t they get this information themselves?

I told him I’m sick of this shit and it is what it is as far as whatever’s making me so tired so much of the time (this is the second day in a row I had to nap not long after getting up). But Tom really wants to see the x-ray to see if it’s worth worrying about or not. I’m guessing it’s nothing to worry about and that it’s physiological like Galileo said was likely the case but as frustrating as it is, I’m sick as hell of appointments and having to spend so much time on health work. It seems I’m always making calls and filling out forms, and it just gets old. There are so many different things that could be causing the fatigue. We may not be able to narrow it down, and if we did, we may not be able to treat it. Maybe this is just the natural way for me to age. Maybe what’s not normal for most is normal for me.

I Google my name every now and then just to see what comes up and what people they think I’m related to. Tom and I were looking at the names, half of which we didn’t recognize. When we checked out Mary and Dave, though, it was saying they lived in this high-rise in downtown Phoenix. Mary was a legal secretary, so maybe she got a luxury apartment through a law firm or something. I can’t believe they would want to give up their house and move downtown, though, and there is no sale that I could find of their house.

Sometimes I think it’s a damn shame that he and his family fell out of touch. Well, they didn’t fall out of touch. They simply stopped giving a damn. It’s a shame, though, since they weren’t toxic and abusive the way my family was. Just selfish and greedy.

I’ve kind of got a story idea I’ve been working on. I got bored with the idea of haunting the honker. So I moved on to my last muse since no new ones have replaced her. Turning reality into fiction as I usually do, I was thinking I could go to Germany and visit our mutual friend. They plan to vacation in Turkey and the friend takes me so Nane has to deal with seeing me. I then witnessed her get in a fight with someone she smacks and accidentally kills. I get a video of the incident and threaten to go to the police with it if Nane doesn’t give me what I want. So I get a free place to live and free vacations and things like that until I decide where to take the story from there. LOL.

So just like the eye exam was quick and easy, the GYN appointment was quick and easy as well. A little bit of pain, but nothing too off the wall. She could see some irritation but didn’t mention a discharge. She prescribed a cream that costs 70 fucking dollars. It better be good stuff at that price! It’s to use on an as-needed basis. I have mild burning. It could have to do with my age but I’ll know soon enough. 

Another thing that sucks is that because I went to them with a problem, it costs $50. A regular PAP and mammogram are free which is something they want me to do next, and nothing I’m eager to do. Maybe I’ll do it at the end of the year to keep myself an established patient so I can get in faster in case of an emergency. 

The doctor (Indian? Middle Eastern?) had no accent, and she and the nurse didn’t wear masks which was a little surprising. But at least I didn’t have any problems understanding what was being said. Florida’s always been a bit lax when it comes to masks as opposed to how California was. 

They were a bit old-fashioned in that they had a scale with weights and the old-fashioned blood pressure cuff, but I definitely prefer those cuffs better. The first time the nurse took a reading on the left arm, she came up with 160/100 and doubted it was right. So she got another cuff that she put on the right arm and got 140/82. 

She never heard of Galileo either or anything like it. 

I requested a hydroxyzine refill from Galileo and of course we had to play form. I can never just get a refill, but I understand why they do it. 

It rained for about 10 minutes yesterday evening while we were golfing and there was a moderate amount of thunder. I was worried thunder would wake me up, but it didn’t. It was raining when we left the doctor’s office in Trinity. We stopped at Burger King on the way home, and then I found myself tired and ended up napping for 90 minutes. It felt so luxurious and I love not having to worry about my schedule for a while. I just hate how groggy it left me feeling after I got up but I should be up until around 5:30 in the morning. I’m also going to spend my time writing, hitting the road in VR, and diamond painting. I’ve got 1495 miles left on my trip. I’m watching movies and listening to audiobooks as well. What’s a lady to do in the wee hours of the night when the rest of the world is asleep? LOL, at least the planes are quiet tonight. They were driving me batty last night, one after another, until after midnight. 

As long as a person is an adult, I’ll be anyone’s friend as long as they’re honest and have a degree of maturity, stability, and intelligence. I used to prefer people my age, but now I like a variety. The older people can relate to me and the young people can learn from me. There are different pros and cons between youth and aging people. But as Tom and I agree, the people in Florida in general seem to be pretty mean. With few exceptions, I always thought the West was worse than the Northeast, but it seems the Southeast is even worse than the West. I have a feeling that had there been a park group on Facebook for those in my old park, I wouldn’t have encountered so much rudeness. Those people were older, so maybe that’s part of it. I don’t know why, but most of the people here seem to be younger. 

I just worry about the whole country. It really does seem to be going to hell. Shame on Target for removing GLBT merchandise, because someone complained. If it was black-related merch, they’d stand tall and strong. So let me get this straight… Target will remove harmless items if customers complain, but if most of the country complains about human rights being snatched, nobody will do shit, right? 

Being cowards like Target is what’s going to help pave the way for the fall of democracy. No one is doing anything about the craziness sweeping the country. All they do is complain about how horrible Republicans are yet they keep voting for them. The way to fight back is to get rid of these people and bowing down to them like a bunch of little suckers isn’t the way to do it. 

South Carolina is next to ban abortion so now it’s illegal in more than half of the country. Technically, it’s banned after six weeks, but that’s pretty much illegal. No one gets an abortion before six weeks. They might as well just say it’s banned. Again, I would be squealing with delight if I was pro-life. But I know better and that there are still ways to get rid of unwanted fetuses. It’s just mind-boggling that this shit is happening in 2023. The doctors who swore to do no harm and stand by their patients are running like cowards and refusing to treat women, and then you’ve got companies like Target succumbing to threats as well. How far do people have to be pushed before they snap and fight back? 

In happier news, I’m looking forward to my new Quest lenses, glasses, and Temu stuff. We also found some really cool stackable storage bins that may be our best bet for the kitchen. They have doors on the front of them that open outward. It won’t add counter space, but it will at least provide more space to put things so we don’t have so much clutter out and about.

And now to finally test out the microphone on my desktop. This computer is old, so it doesn't hear me very well. I only like to work out here on my big Windows 10 computer at night. During the daytime, I'm on my Windows 11 laptop. 

So I got a new skillet and I was all excited about it because it has a red dot in the center that's supposed to glow when it's preheated. Well, that's what one source said, another said it fades. However, it did nothing at all. So it was quite a rip-off. Definite false advertising. I could have gotten a regular skillet for half the price. 

Today's health work consisted of attempting to make the appointment with the pulmonologist and also trying to figure out what to do to get this $100 reward you get for doctor's appointments through my insurance. The only problem is that it's Galileo doing the referrals, so we think that's confusing them because I'm going through an app. I swear that for the amount of work he and I do that the doctors and insurance people should be doing, we should be the ones getting paid and not having to pay for this shit ourselves! The lady at the pulmonologist’s office said that she needed office notes from Galileo and then she would call me about scheduling an appointment. So then I had to jump on the app and message Galileo. They soon got back to me and said they took care of it. 

Then I had to return a phone call about some great benefits which didn't turn out to be anything. I spoke to a nurse and Tom asked her questions as well, mostly about the $100. 

I signed up on the portal for the Women's Center but there weren't any forms to fill out. Usually, they want a health history beforehand, but there was nothing there. I'll probably have to fill out 50 forms when I get there. That will be on Wednesday. Not looking forward to it at all. But sure enough, a few days after stopping the Monistat, the burning returned. It's an obvious feeling but nothing maddening. I'd still like to know what the hell it is, although I don't sense that it's anything serious. 

Finished the Spring Fling challenge so now it's back to my 2100-mile trip. So I'm back in France and heading for Belgium. 

I decided to remove my books from Amazon. They just weren't making any money. Writing is such a black-and-white world. You either make a lot of money because you get famous for it, or you don't make shit. Furthermore, anyone who googled me was led to the books, so using a pen name really didn't do me any good. It wouldn't be the end of the world if anyone found them but they just weren't making any money so I didn't see much point in letting them sit there.

Andy’s not very happy right now. Like me, he hates people in general. So many lying, judgmental, hypocritical people out there.

Anyway, I thought he and his best friend Ken were pretty tight, but apparently not. Andy complains he’s too moody and Ken complains Andy talks to him like a child. He, Ken, and Judy play cards together every weekend. I guess Ken gets all pissed off and emotional when he loses, rather than sees it for the fun game that it’s supposed to be. That would frustrate me too. A game is just a game. I can only see getting pissed if a lot of money is at stake. Tom kicks my ass at miniature golf most of the time, but it’s still just as fun. So if you’re not gambling or betting, fun games should be just that…fun.

Andy also doesn’t like his mom being hypocritical and chastising him about his weight when she’s fat too. Plus, he says he’s caught the two of them leaning in toward each other whispering and then quickly stopping and pulling apart when he enters the room. He says he knows they’re talking about him and wonders if she’s filling Ken’s head with ideas of rebellion.

Is Andy getting high again? LOL.

So Andy wants to dump Ken but says he doesn’t have anyone to replace him with. He doesn’t understand why most people don’t like him and he has such a hard time making friends, and he only wants weekend friends for card games.

I’d play card games with him on weekends when our schedules matched up, as I told him, but since I can’t be there to do that, maybe he’ll get a VR headset someday and we can golf or something.

Did another Temu order for 60 bucks, mostly to feed my doll collection addiction. LOL. I got 3 dresses for the big dolls, a couple of pairs of shoes for the medium-sized dolls, and a dress for a small doll.

Then I got a figurine of an angel hunched over.

Got silicone things you put on your shoulders to keep bra straps from slipping since sports bras aren’t always appropriate, depending on what type of top or dress I’m wearing.

I got a short red shawl for when I’m playing with the rat so its nails don’t scratch my bare shoulders and arms. This is Florida. I’m sleeveless most of the time. We’re going to be getting the rat after my next schedule roll.

I also got this silicone thing you slip over your heels for dry feet. You add lotion to it first of course. My heels are dry, but so are the balls of my feet. This carpet is really rough on them!

Got a watermelon slicer, some eyeshadow, and a mascara guard. Because I’m so damn blind, I’m hoping this will help me be able to apply mascara without getting it all over me. I can barely see even with a magnifying mirror.

My new glasses and new Quest lenses are on the way.

Got a referral to a pulmonologist here in town and last night made me wonder again about the sleep apnea theory. I remember one of my dentists looked into my throat and asked if I had sleep apnea.

Last night, I woke up a million times, and two or three times I was coughing as if I had a tickle in my throat. This could easily happen if my throat muscles closed together. So maybe I really do have sleep apnea and that’s what’s sucking up most of my energy. If that’s not it, then it could be something a lot more sinister like maybe a heart valve. Both of these problems would suck either way. I mean, no one wants to have heart issues, but I definitely don’t want to sleep with a mask either. However, that may be my only option for getting the sleep/energy I need. It just might take me time to get used to it. Andy didn’t like it at first, but he said that now he’s okay with it because he feels so much better when he sleeps with it. He says that the few times he skips it like when he goes on vacation, he notices his energy levels go way down.

Why has my sleep been so fucking cursed in so many ways all my life??? It was hell on me getting up for school in the mornings as I would be so damn tired when my alarm went off. I would lie there awake for quite a while after bedtime too. Then the older I got, the harder it got to keep a schedule. Plus, I’m the lightest sleeper on Earth who has to sleep with sound machines. Now this shit. The quality of my sleep itself has been really poor this last decade.

Temperature: 83°

I wish others hated noise as much as I do. Maybe then they would start dealing with loud sounds like motorcycles. There’s no reason they can’t limit the volume of these things while keeping the performance the same. But obviously, there can’t be that many people like me or else they would have done something by now.

I was eating and watching a show when I heard a loud, rumbling, idling close by yesterday. I opened the door to find some old guy on his motorcycle who had stopped to check out the rocks next door. He saw me, gave a quick wave, and took off. I definitely didn’t smile or wave back.

I really wish that project was done already because I’m going to be sleeping in soon and I don’t want him pounding borders down right outside my window. I don’t know why, but he hasn’t worked over there at all today. Also, I could have sworn I saw Ray’s SUV there. It could have been someone visiting Little Miss Be Happy but we’ll see tonight.

It's almost a shame I’m not anti-gay and pro-life. Just think how delighted I would be with all these restrictions, bans, and discrimination going on if I were. Oh yeah, I’m sure I would just love it in that case. *eyeroll*

Now for my good and shitty health news. I went out to the lab yesterday for a metabolic panel and everything checked out well. The problem is that today I am the polar opposite of yesterday on energy. I totally have bipolar energy levels! Yesterday I had decent energy and today I feel utterly exhausted, even though I slept 8.5 hours and got a good sleep score. Finally fed up and frustrated, I asked my docs if they thought I should see a sleep specialist in case it was sleep apnea, or a cardiologist in case it was heart-related. Looks like I might be starting with a sleep specialist. I guess there are some sleep studies I can do at home since I can’t do one out of home with the non-24 sleep cycle syndrome and the fact that I’m the lightest sleeper on Earth who has to sleep with sound machines.

Yesterday was a shitty day for me. The night before, I was forced to stay up for over 19 hours because of foot cramps. When I finally did crash it wasn’t for more than 6 hours. Being forced to be awake for so long and not sleeping enough left me tired and with a racy heart.

I was not only having severe cramping but when I wasn’t, I was having these weird pulsing and twitching sensations in random parts of both feet.

I’ve actually been noticing more cramping for a few months now and my biggest fear was that I was developing peripheral arterial disease. When I researched what could cause foot cramps in both feet besides hydration, I came up with hypothyroidism. I thought long-term hypothyroidism could cause heart attacks and strokes but it’s only recently that I learned it can also cause nerve damage. Other things that can cause this are high cholesterol and blood pressure. So naturally, I was worried that that’s what it was. I felt like I’d been drinking enough water but made a point to really monitor my water intake yesterday. No cramps woke me up last night, and even the twitching is gone. So maybe I wasn’t drinking enough, even though it felt like I was. Another thing that was discouraging was that I read that if you drink water to get rid of foot cramps, the cramps should go away within half an hour yet they didn’t. I let Galileo know what was going on.

I napped for an hour or so before our appointment. Then we took off for Palm Harbor. The lady that examined our eyes was very nice and she really put me at ease. It was probably the fastest and easiest eye exam I ever had. Love how they have a new handheld gadget to test eye pressure which isn’t as noticeable. Didn’t like that my pressure was up a bit. One eye was at 28 and the other at 29. The doctor said she was on the fence as to what to do about it and wanted to discuss it with me. We decided to wait and monitor it since the optic nerves look good. I’ve had enough appointments!

She dilated our eyes too. Not much change with my left eye, but my right eye is more nearsighted.

Her assistant said she had her gallbladder removed too, and that her surgeon didn’t warn her about the fact that most of the time she’d have diarrhea. I haven't had that problem, but I think that’s because my gallbladder simply stopped working. She had emergency gallbladder removal while pregnant.

Because he has Medicare, he was able to get glasses there, which he rarely wears anyway, the lucky guy! I’ll get mine online as usual. Have to get new lenses for the Quest too.

After we left the office, we headed for KFC. I’d been craving it for a while, but it was just OK. The chicken was great. It was just that the fries were too salty because I forgot to ask for salt-free fries, and the place smelled funny along with the usual blasting music. They had music going at the eye place too, but it wasn’t too loud.

After we ate, we stopped at Publix for bananas and blueberries. Then we got back, and as shitty as I felt, I managed to put stuff back that I had hidden in the refrigerator, oven, and dishwasher because we bombed before we left. Not for spiders but those little flying things that are really annoying. We wanted to get it over with before we got the rat.

I was pleased to see when we got back that he got the borders and liners down next door and there were two piles of rocks directly on the ground. They didn’t come in containers like they usually do around here. So that’s less to have to listen to. Looks like he should finish today and all he needs to do is spread the rocks around.

The only negative I can see with the rocks next door is that now the mower can't go right through. It has to pause to turn around, which means it's outside the window longer. Yet I don’t think we can afford to throw bark down on the rest of the side to keep the mower out from between the places. The side running along the driveway, sure, but not the rest of the side. I got a shot of the liners and rock piles for Irma, and once I get a shot of the finished product, I’ll send them to her.

Saw that Jim rejoined the group long enough to announce that his house had been sold and to offer up some furniture.

So the cage came yesterday and it’s lovely. Any smaller and it would definitely be too small. It would be too small if you didn’t let the rat out to run around for an hour or two each day.

We still have a little more rat-proofing to do. We got the fan and portable AC hoses out of the way and folded up the extra memory foam and put it on the closet shelf. We still have to block the space at the base of the oven on one side. It can’t get behind the refrigerator, and we don’t have to worry about it messing with a washer or dryer since we don’t have any inside the house.

Last night, I slept great. No foot cramps and even the twitching is gone. I also feel fairly awake for a change. I wish these days weren’t a rare luxury, but they are. I know that sleeping well means I’m going to be up forever tonight and only sleep for about 6 hours. I don’t doubt for a minute that the storms will return when I’m once again sleeping through prime storm time to break up my sleep.

I miss the days when I didn’t feel so unwell so much of the time. Either I’m tired, or my heart is racing, or my mood isn’t the greatest. Yesterday I began to worry I got it all wrong by saying I should live as long as he does. Today is the polar opposite but even the “good” days aren’t quite like when I was younger.

I still have days when I feel short of breath, even though the oxygen reader says I’ve got enough oxygen. I had that the day before yesterday.

Met with Helen a couple of days ago and I’m still not sure I’m getting much, if anything, from her. We talked about how brain cells end up in the intestines and how much trauma and negative thinking can impact how we feel. But sometimes it’s just not easy to control our thoughts! I haven’t checked it out yet, but she gave me a YouTube link to an endo in Tampa that is supposed to be really good with putting together the parts of the body in the way they need to be put together to make it function and feel best. She addresses anxiety as well as the different hormones and their functions.

Helen also told me that doing wall pushups is good for releasing serotonin. Or was it endorphins? Whatever the case is, I’ll try that particular exercise the next time I’m feeling my worst which is likely to be the next time I’m on nights.

Now that it’s been over a month since surgery, I’m going to do 5 minutes on the treadmill and 10 on the vibration platform. One form of exercise isn’t usually enough. The treadmill will give me more cardio and the vibe plat will give me more strength training. The skier barely raises my HR.

Never got to see the surgeon yesterday for my follow-up appointment. He had emergency surgery instead. I did talk to the girl calling for him and she asked if I had any questions. I told her I still had a little bit of bloating above the belly button and wanted to confirm that that was normal. She said it was. That’s what the AI bot said as well. In that case, and since I’m not having any other problems, I’m hoping I won’t have to reschedule.

We went to Burger King because we were not only in the mood for it but that way I could also get out and get some sun. Sunshine on the Sun Coast of the Sunshine State. 😊

Making the GYN appointment is going to be close. I don’t know yet if I’m going to make that one, but this isn’t overly important. The storms we just had to have while I was sleeping jumped my schedule ahead a bit more than usual. “Coincidentally,” they’ve stopped now that I’m crashing later. Once I’m back to sleeping during prime storm time, I’m sure they’ll be back.

The rainbow wand and bedding arrived. So everything for the rat is here except for the cage and the rat itself. Oh, and its food, of course, but we decided we would get that when we got the rat. This way, if there are any delays in getting the rat, the food won’t be old.

I canceled the color-changing polish because it was out of stock, even though it said otherwise. I’m also sick of having my nails so long. They’re such a pain in the ass.

Back to meeting with Helen later today in my closet office rather than at the built-in desk by the door because they’re working next door. It’s all good, though, because he’s not doing the driveway after all. Yes! That’s a huge relief because that would have been maddening and I would have to worry about my sleep. I wouldn’t want anyone parking closer to us anyway along with it appealing to motorcyclists should he decide to sell in the future. The timing was perfect for this because he ended up hammering in these stakes to section off where he’s going to put the trim. That right there might have woken me up because it was literally right outside the window. I can still hear some things in the closet but not as much as at my other desk where I’ve got a window and the door right by it.

Knowing the rat would only mess with it, I offered up the fake cherry tree that was left here for free. A woman named Karen said she wanted it. Then a couple pulled up in a golf cart later on, and a woman named Nancy knocked on the door to ask about it. It turns out she’s good buddies with Karen, so she took the tree and we both let her know in the group.

Saw Stacey was online the other night and sent her a friend request but of course, she wouldn’t accept it. I also noticed she created a third account. It must be fairly recent because it says “new account.” Maybe it’s not hers.

Because my desktop is a lot older than my laptop, we got a microphone for it. Maybe speech-to-text will work better if it hears me better but I doubt it.

I was going to sit VZ’s Spring Fling challenge out because it contains a ride I’ve already done, and I like to do different rides. But then I jumped back in because I was told you don’t have to redo rides you’ve already done.

I had a dream my mother was alive and she and Judy were friends again. Judy as in Andy’s mother. We were talking about clothes and colors and I asked Judy what her favorite color was and she said pink. I told her that was my favorite color as well. Then I asked my mother what her favorite color was and she said lavender which wasn’t true. She probably liked the color, but she told me her favorite colors were mauve and peach when she was alive.

I’ve been tired for days and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m hypo or because of the stress of the appointments. I have Helen today and an eye exam tomorrow. The GYN is the most stressful one, though, assuming I even make it.

The bot seemed to disagree with the doctors who said it wasn’t dangerous to live with a TSH under 10. It says even mild hypothyroidism can cause problems in the end and I wonder if it’s the reason for my foot cramps. I’ve been having a banana every day, and I at least think I drink enough water but they were both cramping yesterday. I’m gonna make a point of making sure I drink at least 64 ounces every day so I can find out if it really is a lack of water or not. Long-term hypothyroidism can cause nerve damage as well as other things, and the nerve damage is usually in the legs and feet. High cholesterol can also cause it but it’s hard to believe my arteries are even close to having any blockages. In another 10-15 years from now, maybe.

I still get the feeling at times that something up there doesn’t want me to take all the medication I need. It doesn’t want me fully treating my thyroid and it doesn’t want me to treat my cholesterol at all. If this is true and it’s not just one big coincidence, then why??? Why would you do this other than to kill someone before their time? Or maybe it’s all just a silly notion because I still don’t see myself going belly-up anytime soon. I still think I’ll live well into my 70s.

I just got up for a minute to find Tom limping into the kitchen. He hurt his foot somehow but doesn’t know how. It sure seems something up there wants to pick on our feet. LOL.

Mila arrived today and she is absolutely stunning! Bigger than I imagined too, and very realistic looking. Her only flaws - however mild they may be - are that her head doesn't articulate and her ears stick out a bit. She also has a big ass, LOL. 

The magnetic pacifier she came with is cute since you can't exactly stick a regular one in her mouth with the way she's smiling. Didn't realize she came with so much extra stuff. She's got a stuffed animal, a certificate, a diaper, and a baby bottle. Not sure I'll use the last two things. 

Since Mila is soft-bodied all the way up to just under her chin it shows me that she probably wouldn't look good in any outfit that exposes the upper chest area. She came in a white onesie with a blue and white checkered number 1 on it plus blue and white checkered shorts which is just okay. I switched her to a pink onesie with a rainbow tulle skirt. 

Got another dress for the 18-in dolls. A green one. So now they have green in their wardrobe. They also have about eight pairs of shoes each in a different color but I might get a few more. 

So all the rat stuff is here except for the rainbow wand and the cage. We've narrowed it down to two cages. One is blue and the other is blue and white. The blue and white one has a larger footprint overall but isn't quite as tall. The blue one has a smaller overall footprint but is taller. Since they’re bird cages, we can use the perches as anchors for platforms of some kind to make a shelf for the rat to sit on. So, so far we've got the hammocks, chew toys, and water bottles. After we do a little ratproofing we should have the rat in a couple of weeks, assuming they have a decent selection around here which means that the little guy has likely already been born. It's getting real! 

The hook with the ceramic pink rose above it is lovely, and Tom can put that up later for me to hang my purses just inside the door. 

As for the pink no-show socks - when I first pulled them out of the bag I thought there was no way I could get them on my feet and only my large dolls could wear them but they do stretch quite a bit. I'll do a foot treatment later on and put them on and see if I can stand to wear them around the house to protect my feet from getting chewed up by this fucked up carpet we're stuck with for life. 

Haven't hung up the wind chimes yet but one of them is smaller than I realized it would be. They'll both still look beautiful to see from the kitchen window. I just don't know if I'll be able to hear them because one is small and while the other may be bigger, that window is double-paned. Maybe I'll hear them when I'm sitting at the desk. 

I got this hair removal thing that doesn't work at all. It's the only thing I got that I don't like. It's a tiny coil spring that’s supposed to catch and pull hairs out as you rub it against the area you want to remove hair from but it doesn't work. I say if you want hair removed, shave it off. 

There’s this tri-thermal nail polish on Amazon I want to try. Especially while my nails are long because the longer the better for temperature-changing polish. This one doesn’t require a UV lamp. 

The handyman helped put rocks down at the house behind No Poop. Nothing's been done yet next door and I wish they would just get it over with already, whatever they're going to do. 

I swear a loud clap of thunder woke me up at one point which is why I'm a little tired today but Tom insists all he heard was thunder rumbling way off in the distance and that it didn't even rain. He probably had the headphones on when it happened. 

I couldn't fall back asleep right away because I was stressed out about the possibility of it going on for hours. These things almost always happen when I'm sleeping! But that was all I heard. 

I felt so bad for Tom because the day before yesterday he was in such intense pain that he said he was literally ready to give his soul over to God, LOL. I laughed when he said that but I know the pain he suffered! He said he had intense stomach cramps and was sure he was going to have the runs from hell but never did. Then he felt like he was going to puke but never did. Then he felt like he was going to do both but never did. He just had semi-runs and that was it. 

I've been totally all over the place with the moods. Two days ago I felt fine. Yesterday I had a few hours where I felt a mix of being on edge and kind of down. Today I'm okay again. Just tired. 

Started the 7-day treatment of my yeast infection, but I’m still not sure that’s what it is. I’ve had mild burning coming and going but if I’ve had any discharge lately, I’m not aware of it. 

I messaged C about timing out on his site and getting a hosting error message, along with the intrusive drop-down thing begging for money when he already has an obvious green, glowing button for that but he completely blew me off. I’ve had the feeling for a while now that he’s not very fond of me anymore and I have no idea why. Because I wouldn’t help him more for free? Because I haven’t donated in a while? Something he read in my journal? 

*shrugs* Oh well. I can’t control what others think. I just know I’m sick of his tech problems and all the spam on PB. This site and LiveJournal may be kind of boring, but at least they’re reliable.

I was really depressed the day before yesterday. Yesterday was better but I did have a little anxiety and took hydroxyzine. It did a great job of calming me down but after a little over an hour, I felt a bit anxious again. It also caused me to crash earlier and sleep longer. I slept for 11 hours and have felt a little out of it since I got up. Not as bad as the last time I took it, though. I definitely had come down with something at the time.

I’m feeling good emotionally so far today but felt a bit queasy earlier. I wasn’t anywhere near puking, though. Too much greasy food. Gotta make sure I have one salmon cake at a time, and not two. The Ginger Ale seemed to help.

After I let my stomach settle and empty out a bit more, I’m going to enjoy making stir-fried veggies with the sauce I got, and a salad with cucumber-avocado dressing that I also got.

I don’t know if I’ll get around to making the new chickpea dish I want to try, but I’m not having liver. Walmart fucked up again by not giving us our frozen stuff. They also gave me potatoes that are beginning to root. Again, I told Tom we ought to just drop them and get our own groceries. We obviously can’t trust anyone else to do it right and this way we can see exactly what we’re getting. It will be a good excuse to get out too. We could go early in the morning when it wasn’t crowded. He’s the opposite. He doesn’t want a reason to go out. He likes having it delivered. He could stay home and never go anywhere for years if he had to, LOL.

The reason I chose liver was that it's cheap and supposed to be choc full of B12 which helps with anxiety. Maybe if I get it from food, I won’t get sick and with it being so cheap, there won’t be much money wasted if I don’t like it. Liver isn’t the greatest, but I can tolerate it.

Sometime I’m going to rinse, season, and bake chickpeas and see how they come out. It’s supposed to make them crispy as opposed to frying them.

I slow-cooked us a pork roast yesterday and it was just okay. Nothing really spectacular.

Someone's been in Ray's place. They left the lights on last night and then they came back today and turned them off. My biggest concern is them starting projects while I’m still on nights. I think that the fact that they haven’t done anything else since a few days ago when they cleared out the side shows that yeah, they are gonna do the driveway. I think they’re just waiting on the permits and that if all they were going to do was simply drop rocks, they would’ve done it by now.

Tom put a smart switch in one of the kitchen lights. I like it better than the light over the sink because it's a nice bright fluorescent light.

I’m sure this is just a dream, but if storm season gets more and more non-existent here due to climate change, then soundproofing the entire bedroom becomes less critical. We know that for the most part, the window inserts and soundproofing material under the mattress are enough for everyday sounds. They mowed today and never woke me up. But if we could replace just one of the window inserts with a soundproof window so I could let natural light in more easily, that would be great.

It's no wonder they call this region the Sun Coast. Nothing but sunshine forecasted until the 19th and of course, that’s subject to change in the end. At least I don’t have to worry about thunder waking me up before appointments.

Galileo offered to check my B12 and D levels now but I told them they didn’t have to. Instead, they’re going to do that when I have my next scheduled blood draw and reminded me that being low on these things can affect moods. I started back up on Vitamin D supplements, but I’ll try to get the B12 from food so I don’t have to deal with the runs.

He made me a GYN appointment while I was sleeping yesterday that I’ll see on the 24th. She’s in Trinity, and of course, she’s Indian. My God, why is it so damn hard to get an American doctor in this country! Instead, they’re almost always a foreigner I gotta struggle to understand, and even more so with the masks they wear these days.

Tom brought up a great idea for when we see my endo in Palm Harbor - another Indian, of course - at the end of the year. Instead of taking more medication and getting more anxious, and then even more if I lost weight, maybe the best approach would be to go the other way and see if I could take one of the diabetes medications they recently approved that helps with weight loss and see if I can get my numbers normal that way without the anxiety. Still seems like a pipe dream, though, to me. It’s a great dream to dream and a great idea just the same. Knowing me, I’ll have issues with the medication or continue to struggle with this medication. I really do believe my situation is hopeless despite Galileo’s optimism. I think something up there doesn’t want me to have a normal metabolism, which is likely because it doesn’t want me to be thinner for some reason. So if they gave me the medication, and if I could tolerate it, I would probably have the same problem with anxiety as I lost the weight.

If I had to start all over again, knowing what I do now and what I’ve been through, I would have ended it all as soon as we got back from Hawaii in 2014 before my life changed forever.

What a shitty night it's been. Definitely not feeling as good today as I did yesterday. I'm low on both energy and my mood, especially my mood. It’s really too bad I can’t quit my med for a month or two to find out how much could be connected to it. Loss of joy has been reported as one of the side effects. Everything changed seemingly around the time this drug entered my life, but without being able to take a break from it for a while, I can’t say for sure that that’s what’s causing these feelings and all the problems I’ve had the last decade. Maybe I would have felt like this anyway if I never had to take this medication. Maybe the medication is only responsible for the more obvious symptoms like anxiety, racing heart, etc. I did seem to have some symptoms during the few months I stopped it in 2014 when I was between medical groups and doctors. But things were different then because I was in perimenopause, so I don't know for sure what's what. I just know that I changed in a bad way and I can't seem to get back to the old way.

In one of the movies I was watching, a little boy got all excited about being able to move from a smaller bedroom to a bigger bedroom. I couldn't help but think how long it's been since I got so excited over something so trivial.

I wonder how many years ago I would have given up completely if it hadn’t been for Tom. I keep going because I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want him blamed for anything I do either.

Another thing I can't help but think about is how a deadly diagnosis would have left me devastated years ago. Now I'm not so sure I would be so devastated. Yet I should want to live. I remind myself that no matter how or when I die, I'm not going to live forever. I don't know if I'll suffer even more in a possible afterlife that may exist, but I'm not going to suffer in this one forever. The only problem with that is that I'm still going to live a long time and when you add it all up in the end, you're talking about suffering for a good third of my life.

I asked Galileo if there was anything OTC I could take when I was feeling low on energy and low mood. Something that would boost my energy and boost my mood that I would only take on days when I felt I needed it, and not every day.

Also, since the burning is picking up again and Tom thought he saw a little bit of a discharge, which makes me think the yeast infection is flaring back up because we didn't quite kill it all, we ordered a seven-day Monistat treatment from Amazon, along with some KY jelly so I can insert the applicators easier.