I've been having one of those frustrating and even depressing days where I just want to cry. First, Tom and I caught something, although we don't know what. Our only symptom is heavy fatigue. Then the burning down there returned, and then the bitch in the park group help sour my mood even further. I try not to let trolls get to me, especially strangers, but that was pretty much the final straw.

A couple of days ago, I slept nearly 12 hours, the longest I've slept in ages. Pretty sure I mentioned this and how tired I was when I got up and even ended up napping. I thought maybe I was so out of it because of the hydroxyzine and oversleeping but then Tom said he had the same heavy exhaustion. The next night (last night), I slept 8.5 hours but was still tired throughout the day. I started to wonder if the two times I cut my waiting time between meds and coffee to 10 minutes could have anything to do with it but figured that was kind of extreme. That shouldn't make me that tired. My mood was so low throughout the day as well. I'm hoping it's just because I wasn't feeling like myself.

He got us a free pizza that we split. Because we ordered so much from Domino's, we were eligible for free pizza. He got pepperoni, and I got mushrooms.

No discharge down there, but I'm burning again. This is utterly fucking ridiculous. I am so fucking sick of having one problem after another, or the same damn problem reoccurring over and over again. What happened to the days when I could go weeks and even months without problems other than typical minor shit we all have to deal with? This time, I'm going to just try to live with it because I'm tired of getting temporary solutions. It could be that it was never a UTI or a yeast infection, but a bacterial infection. On top of this, I read that menopausal women can sometimes have burning and itching due to a lack of estrogen. I know I should see a GYN but nobody wants to have to see them, and it takes months to get into one. Furthermore, I've had so many damn appointments and I just want a break for a while! As it is, I've got three appointments scheduled so far this month. I have the follow-up with the surgeon, then Helen, then an eye exam. In July, I have to see the ENT.

Later...

Aly’s been dead for two years now. I still miss the hell out of her and I still wonder the same things. Does she go on somehow in some form of afterlife? Was she reincarnated? Or is she simply just dead? If she lives on but not in a new body, does she know what’s going on with me and others she knew?

Tom is still tired and has a slight sore throat. He has a little bit of congestion as well. No sore throat here, but I am still a little tired. Maybe not as tired as I was, but I always have some degree of fatigue and my metabolism has already taken a hit due to having to scale back my dose. The scale says it all. That’s always been the biggest telltale sign for me. I’m up a couple of lbs. I would still take that if I’m going to feel better. Nothing is worse than not feeling well emotionally. Better to be laid up with a broken leg and in a great move than healthy but feeling so down, empty, anxious, and hopeless.

Got a little winded and felt my HR increase after cleaning the bathroom so I’m taking a break. I did reach out to Galileo and they said it is possible that one treatment of Diflucan may not be enough, and recommended taking a couple more pills every three days in addition to the cream. The burning comes and goes. Right now, it’s barely noticeable. Part of it could still be the dryness that comes with menopause.

Now they want me to see a GYN. Figures. I’ve been trying to avoid that, but figured it would come down to that sooner or later.

Every time I glance at the news, it makes me sick to see these politicians who should be setting positive examples for the people spewing nothing but hate for certain groups. I still don’t get how the hell they can legally get away with doing this shit with so many sensitives out there and in a country with little to no speech protection and that’s so obsessed with political correctness. I guess it goes to show once again that it’s “okay” to discriminate if the person is gay or Jewish. If they were saying the same shit about blacks or other groups, people would want to lynch them and they would likely face legal repercussions as well. It’s fucking sick.

I was reading an article about how people are too scared to think of the possibility of the end of democracy in the US or think it’s too absurd. Then they pointed out that absurd has already happened, and how most people would have said it was absurd to think that Trump could ever get elected yet he did. I can’t say whether or not the US will become a dictator country for sure, but I definitely know anything is possible.

As much as I bitch about all the migrants coming to the US and hogging our resources, I do kind of get it and sympathize with them to a degree. What if things got so bad here that we had to run? And where would we run to?

Jim is selling his house. He not only left the park group, but he said that this place is toxic from management right down to most of the residents. I totally get it. I really do.

The only thing I don’t get is how so many people can sell their places and move whenever they want. Once we move someplace we’re locked in for years. We’ve never been able to move simply because we wanted to. We always have to wait for special circumstances to arise and that usually takes years. The freeloaders drove us out of Phoenix. We lost our house in Maricopa. The economy had us grounded in the trailer until I received my inheritance. COVID was our Citrus Heights escape. Not that I want to move from here without having plenty of money to have plenty of options but I can’t imagine any way out of here other than becoming disabled and needing assisted living.

Had a good dream and then a bad dream that was also a weird dream. The good dream was me kicking back with a cute rat. It was asleep on my chest and I was patting its back. The rat dreams have been coming at me like crazy, which tells me that I’m missing them.

The other dream involved me being in Germany with Nane. It seemed like something happened to Tom and I was all alone in the world and broke and homeless. She wouldn’t help me out, of course, so we discussed ways to kill myself.

I gave it a try by jumping out of a second or third-story window. Despite smashing into concrete from a height of 20-30 feet, I got up and walked away without a single scratch.

So then we discussed where and how I would do it in a way that didn’t involve her. We agreed I would be better off doing it in a warm place in my own country than in hers. So we set about getting a plane ticket for me to fly into Miami. Not sure if I ever went through with it or not.