What a shitty night it's been. Definitely not feeling as good today as I did yesterday. I'm low on both energy and my mood, especially my mood. It’s really too bad I can’t quit my med for a month or two to find out how much could be connected to it. Loss of joy has been reported as one of the side effects. Everything changed seemingly around the time this drug entered my life, but without being able to take a break from it for a while, I can’t say for sure that that’s what’s causing these feelings and all the problems I’ve had the last decade. Maybe I would have felt like this anyway if I never had to take this medication. Maybe the medication is only responsible for the more obvious symptoms like anxiety, racing heart, etc. I did seem to have some symptoms during the few months I stopped it in 2014 when I was between medical groups and doctors. But things were different then because I was in perimenopause, so I don't know for sure what's what. I just know that I changed in a bad way and I can't seem to get back to the old way.

In one of the movies I was watching, a little boy got all excited about being able to move from a smaller bedroom to a bigger bedroom. I couldn't help but think how long it's been since I got so excited over something so trivial.

I wonder how many years ago I would have given up completely if it hadn’t been for Tom. I keep going because I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want him blamed for anything I do either.

Another thing I can't help but think about is how a deadly diagnosis would have left me devastated years ago. Now I'm not so sure I would be so devastated. Yet I should want to live. I remind myself that no matter how or when I die, I'm not going to live forever. I don't know if I'll suffer even more in a possible afterlife that may exist, but I'm not going to suffer in this one forever. The only problem with that is that I'm still going to live a long time and when you add it all up in the end, you're talking about suffering for a good third of my life.

I asked Galileo if there was anything OTC I could take when I was feeling low on energy and low mood. Something that would boost my energy and boost my mood that I would only take on days when I felt I needed it, and not every day.

Also, since the burning is picking up again and Tom thought he saw a little bit of a discharge, which makes me think the yeast infection is flaring back up because we didn't quite kill it all, we ordered a seven-day Monistat treatment from Amazon, along with some KY jelly so I can insert the applicators easier.