Not a very happy camper now. They've gone back to using the insanely loud garbage trucks, which is a definite threat to my sleep, no matter how loud I play the sound machine. I could only hear the other one when it was nearby, but this one I can hear all throughout the park. 

Is going back to the loud mower next?

I'm still on for the lab next Tuesday. I just didn't click through all the pages, so that's why it didn't go through the first time around and I didn't get a confirmation.

Anyway, after I got up I was wishing Idalia's wind and rain would return to drown out the police helicopter that was circling round and round for over an hour last night. I don't know what was going on, but it was ridiculous. All I kept thinking was it's three in the morning and I need the sound machine on so I can concentrate on what I'm doing.

On the bright side, I've had more energy today than I've had in a while. We went to Publix and got some things done at home that we needed and wanted to do.

Idalia is here! But all she’s bringing us is wind and rain. Looks like she’s going to hit the Big Bend area as a cat 4. They’re saying this will be a first. Global warming is having some scary effects at an alarmingly fast rate. It’s not even September and we’re already seeing a major hurricane. If we had extra money and I didn’t feel like shit so much of the time I wouldn’t mind going on a mini vacation if we were evacuated but I’m definitely concerned about being evacuated over the next couple of months as we trudge through the heart of hurricane season.

I have horrible fatigue still. I slept well and got up thinking I wasn’t too bad but by the time I showered and ate I was ready for a nap. This is ridiculous. I have to spend so much time in bed that I could be up living my life and doing things. Got a bad feeling my thyroid is the same or worse. If we can’t get my fucking body to absorb the medication, then what???

I’m not in the greatest shape but I’m not in horrible shape either with all the skiing I do. Yet yesterday, after boxing for the first time in a while, I was so wiped out. I had heavy fatigue and felt a little winded like my heart was racing. Really, really hope it’s just a matter of figuring out how to tweak my thyroid dose and not PAH! Tom thinks it’s likely on the thyroid. That and sleep apnea.

I made a lab appointment but never got a confirmation. I went back to the site and confirmed that there were no pending appointments for me so I have to deal with that. There’s going to be a whole shit ton of health work to do. There usually is but this is going to be more than usual and I can’t just schedule appts. I have to play form too, which takes forever.

The only thing I don’t get is why they keep sending me so far from home when giving me referrals. They asked and I told them I wanted to go to a specific imaging place near our house yet they want to send me all the way to Chapel Hill. And why do I have to go all the way to Land O’Lakes to see a cardiologist? You mean to tell me there isn’t one closer?

So more than likely we’re going to have to pick our own doctors. This way it’s easier to try to get female doctors and avoid foreigners I may have a hard time understanding. So I’m going to have to go to the lab, to a cardiologist, to the imaging center, and then possibly to a genetic counselor unless I can confirm 23andMe has the information I need to know as to whether or not I’m automatically doomed to get breast cancer. We’re pretty sure I don’t have that gene. That’s a good thing because that would mean needing a double mastectomy. I definitely wouldn’t mind giving these boobies up because they’re way too big but I really don’t want to go under the knife again.

Jessie finally told me that she uses Kindra for dryness. Not surprisingly, it’s rather pricey. I haven’t had much burning in a while and therefore I haven’t used the suppositories. I only use them as needed. I just want my energy back so bad!

Yesterday we went from having a hurricane watch to a hurricane warning. Things are closed for the rest of the month, and Tom may not be able to get the cancerous spot on his forehead taken care of tomorrow as scheduled.

The airport closed at midnight. Not having to listen to one plane after another starting about now is fine with me. What's not is the possibility of being evacuated even though it doesn't look like that's going to happen at this point. If we weren't in debt and I was healthier, I would be okay with it. We would have to head south, though, because this one's going north of us. 

We had some thunder earlier but no rain. The weather app on my computer said it was 10 miles away. They say Idalia is 425 miles away. 

The video meeting with the doctor went better than expected yesterday. She was on time, young, friendly, and listened very intently to my concerns. She was also very thorough. I'm going to be having a ton of testing done. It was funny because at one point she told me to hang on a second because she had to deal with one of the dogs she was fostering and when I told her we had a pet rat she got all excited and wanted to see her. She was sleeping at that moment but at the end of our meeting, she got to meet Tinkerbella. 

This doctor was in Chicago and plans to come to the state to visit her mother soon. 

So we discussed my two main problems and that's getting my thyroid numbers normal without feeling horrible though she agrees that 6-9 could be my personal normal. 

Then the other problem of fatigue. On the 5th I'll be going to the lab for a full panel of blood work as well as AI testing for other autoimmune diseases I could have like RA, Sjogren's, etc. I will also need to go for an echocardiogram, the mammogram I wasn't going to go for, and genetic testing. Being Jewish puts me at a higher risk of getting breast cancer and I guess through genetic testing they can better assess your risk. We're going to check 23andMe and see if that was tested or not. Tom thinks it was and that I didn't have that mutation.

They may also have me wear one of those Holter heart monitors for a while too. She said it was great that I was so prepared for our meeting and knew exactly what I wanted to ask and all that. Yeah, because the doctors in California were so unhelpful that I learned to get my own information. 

No anxiety yesterday and none so far today but I'm not ready to think the spell is over yet. Usually, when it's that noticeable it's not just for a few days. I still worry I could be on the verge of another spell that lasts for weeks or even months. 

I woke up tired today, as usual, but for once, when I ended up napping shortly after, I actually woke up feeling more refreshed.

More than likely, I will be starting blood pressure medicine. Yes, I am still prone to side effects but if it's going to help with the fatigue, I'm willing to try anything. It will probably be Losartan, which he's taking. What sucks is that I can't use the wrist cuff anymore because it's not as accurate to get a record of how it is over the next two weeks as they want. I've been afraid to use his arm cuff because I know how tight it gets, but I'm gonna have to muster up a little courage. Too many years of prolonged elevated blood pressure can mess with my heart and kidneys if it hasn't already.

My biggest concern is that I may have PAH and she thinks there's a chance I could. The thing is that even with treatment which can slow the progression of the disease, the prognosis isn't the greatest. I wouldn't be dying next year or the year after, but I may not make it beyond a decade. But hey, I live for however long I live. That's not what's important. What's important is how I feel.

Yesterday was another shitty day in that I was anxious. I hope Tom’s theory is correct and that it’s just residual effects from adding vitamin D. It’s true that when you cut back, your TSH drops instantly but you don’t feel better right away. That’s why I felt like shit going to Orlando last year after the last time my thyroid was overloaded.

I took a full hydroxyzine tablet and it did lessen my symptoms but not without knocking me out and causing me to sleep a whopping 10 hours and 20 minutes. Been horribly groggy since getting up. I’m definitely not anxious today but I’ll be spending a lot of time in bed until my 8:00 a.m. video appointment with a Galileo doc, even though I don’t want to of course.

I’ve done some things. I did a few jobs and cooked myself a skillet of quinoa, brown rice, spinach, chickpeas, and chicken tenders.

Jessie says that in Europe they have natural thyroid enzymes that she believes are from sheep. I would think that would cause the same problem as thyroid extracted from pigs causes, though, with the inconsistency in dosing.

I asked her what she’s using for dryness and she won’t tell me. Instead, she said the same thing she says when I ask about her thyroid numbers; that she has to look. Like she really can’t remember? I think it’s probably that old Facebook paranoia some people have since Facebook doesn’t believe in privacy. Why else would she be so secretive about these things?

I had to disable public comments on my other Facebook profile where I’m sharing journals because for some reason I couldn’t pull them up. I would get a notification but then when I would click on it, nothing would happen. So unless they commented or reacted on one of the last few posts, I would have to scroll through hundreds of posts that I would rather not scroll through.

Wondering how much we’re going to be affected by Hurricane Idalia which is now expected to hit Florida as a category 3. I don’t think we’ll get a direct hit but I do expect some wind and rain. It’s a little soon to know for sure. Right now there’s an official hurricane watch in effect but not a hurricane warning.

OMG, for the THIRD time in barely a month, the water was off. I see a definite pattern forming here and I wonder if it's just a matter of time before I'm going to have to shower at night only, just like at the old place, to avoid getting the water turned off on me while I'm in the shower.

What's next to catch up to this place? Loud traffic? Projects every few days? Daily landscaping?

DeSatan says all Gulfers should have hurricane kits ready and available. People in this area say it's one of the safest from hurricanes, and they only get evacuated once a decade. I know global warming is changing things, but I would be really surprised if we were evacuated two years in a row. It's too soon to know for sure what's going on but last I heard, the cone was aimed at the panhandle.

Andy, Judy, and a cousin are thinking of coming down here and want to fly into Fort Myers, spend a few days with the cousin's daughter, and then shoot over to New Port Richey to see Gary and his wife Jenny. He asked Tom to calculate how many miles it was to our place from there because the three of them want to spend the day with us.

I told him I didn't have to ask Tom what I could ask Alexa and that I knew it was very close. However, he has to keep in mind that there’s a 50/50 chance I’ll have to sleep or something would be going on with us if we had an appointment or something. Furthermore, we would prefer to meet at a restaurant and not at the house. The house is just so damn small and I don't even know the cousin. Also, I don't want to have to rearrange the place to hide things I don't want seen.

The thing is that Andy's not a very supportive person, and he has a memory that makes mine seem like it's still great so I don't know if he'll understand or be willing to meet us there, but we'll find out. I knew this day would eventually come, though. I just thought it would be him coming down by himself. I don't mind just him being here, and I told him that too.

To be honest, there's a part of me that regrets reconnecting with him not just before we left for Florida, but back in Jesse's trailer. We do have a lot of fun memories together and he has changed in some ways, but there's still a part of him that is non-empathetic, non-understanding, judgmental, and selfish. Like most people, his basic personality hasn't changed throughout the years.

I also have mixed emotions about seeing Judy. Sure, I would love to see her. She's a great lady. But she also has a big mouth and is nosy. I feel like she too, would do nothing but pry and judge me for my ways and go on and on about how and why I should change.

Then there's the stupidity, or at least the lack of ability to understand. I've gone over my sleep disorder a number of times with Helen and not even she gets it. She's getting it mixed up with delayed sleep phase and narcolepsy. This is such a complex issue for people to grasp, apparently, because it's rare.

Grammarly used to be fun to use, but now it's gotten to be a pain in the ass. I've complained and complained about the begging and having my train of thought disrupted by having to click out of windows begging me to pay up and again I've asked why they bother having a free option if they want money that bad. People should either be allowed to use things for free without being harassed while they're at it or there shouldn't be a free option. Yet it's gotten much worse with them. All they do is say they'll tell their developers, but the greedy bastards obviously don't care and are gonna do what they're gonna do.

Although it isn't as good, I'm going to use spelling and grammar checkers that are built into the browser and MS Word. At least there I know I'm not going to get pestered with regular begging. I can't expect to be 100% correct all the time anyway, especially with all the content I've written. I've got to get out of the habit of publishing stuff and then deleting it so I can correct it and republish it.

Since you can now create as many profiles in any name you want on Facebook, I created one for my journal since Facebook doesn’t delete nonactive accounts and it can live on as a memoir for future generations - if there are any future generations - to see how life was in these times.

I blocked some of my Facebook friends but there are no guarantees it won’t be suggested to them if they have other accounts I don’t know about. That’s one thing I hate about Facebook is how they suggest things that not everyone wants suggested. I'm willing to take a chance, though. Andy’s most likely to have accounts I don’t know about. Jessie has another account, and I would never have known it if it wasn’t suggested to me. It was obvious, though, that it was her because it was a variation of her name with the same profile picture. It won’t be the end of the world if it’s found, but I would prefer to keep it from park people and anyone I may write about, including Jessie.

If Andy has a “normal” account with a profile picture I wouldn’t think to associate him with, it could have been suggested to me in the past but I didn’t know it was him. I don’t accept suggestions, though. I won’t let anyone in unless I know who it is.

Helen and I met yesterday and talked about how I miss some of the old feelings I used to have. She seems to think I need to get out and socialize more, which a lot of people have suggested to me over the years. I just don't feel the need to be a social butterfly, though. However, this doesn't mean that I don't miss having more people that are family or like family around that aren't toxic. Or at least that wasn't as toxic as my family was like his parents and his sister, etc. It still would be nice to have Jessie nearby.

I also asked her personal opinion on reaching out to those who never reach out to me first. People that only respond to my messages like Christiane. I also gave her a crash course on a certain somebody who also likes to write and she agrees that the constant account deletion and creation is a definite sign of instability along with other things. I've caught this person in lies, they've involved other people in our issues, and they sure are a hypocrite. As in no lurking, even though that's all they do. 

She agrees that if I've made myself clear as to wanting to hear from them at times and for them to take the initiative on their own to contact me or comment on some of my stuff but they never do, It's probably time to make a clean break. Yeah, one of them may be highly intelligent. And yeah, I'm flattered that that person has followed me religiously and seems to take a great interest in my life but I think it's time to have a little self-respect and not reach out to those who never cared to do the same on their own.

I slept better, but damn was last night kinda shitty. I was in a horrible mood and devoid of energy too, of course. I have more energy tonight because my sleep didn't get broken up like the last couple of times but it's going to be a very long night for me. That's because I won't be meeting with Helen until bedtime. Well, technically, I'll be finishing up at bedtime. Since I can't just jump in bed and fall asleep right when we're done and need to unwind a bit, I'll probably be up 17 to 18 hours, which means automatic fatigue tomorrow.

Back to being on the cool side and no sign of anxiety or mindfuckers or anything bad. So yeah, there was something about the vitamin D’s. Doesn’t mean I’m home-free just yet, though, on the dose increase because it hasn’t been 6 weeks. But with the D’s out of the picture, it’s looking good. There was something about it that made me feel the symptoms of going hyper even though I agree that my numbers aren’t likely that low yet. I’m probably 12-13 now.

Good God, what's the point of being able to enjoy the few hours off from commercial planes if I'm just gonna get slammed with helicopters instead? This is the fifth fucking one. They seem to be worse on Friday nights.

Anyway, in finishing up yesterday's health work, I checked out the links my docs recommended and saw a full list of side effects for Ramelteon and said, "No way!"

It can cause suicidal thoughts and I'm not going to go through that hell again like I did with an asthma inhaler I once took in the 90s and then the Prozac in 2015.

So I told them I wasn't interested and they said there was another drug approved for N24 that did not include suicidal thoughts called Hetlioz. The main highlights as far as its side effects go are nightmares, drowsiness, headaches, respiratory issues, UTI infections, and a few other things. Well, I'm tired a lot and have nightmares anyway and I could take ibuprofen or something like that for headaches, so if I didn't get anything worse, it may be worth it but that's only if I can get it. I'm gonna have to jump through all kinds of hoops to get approval for financial assistance being low income and all that. Who knows how many in-person appointments I may have to have too? If it could work without debilitating side effects, it would be worth it, though I still have my doubts. I still feel like I'm not meant to have a schedule. I just wish I knew if it was by chance or design.

If I believed in design for certain, I would start to wonder if something really wanted me to make it to the endo appointment, after all, because the light therapy does seem to be slowing my schedule from jumping as fast. That's why it's gonna be a long day today. When I made my appointment with Helen, I expected to be getting up 5-6 hours later than I did.

Jessie was telling me about the job she got with the State recently and how she and Bella are very prone to side effects. She said that as long as I'm not like them, don't assume I'm gonna get the side effects just because others do. 

But I am like them. I just think the words side effects and I get them so I'm sure I'll get something. It's just a matter of whether or not it's anything I can put up with.

She understood my reluctance to go with Ramelteon, pointing out that many mental health drugs alter body chemistry and stuff like that. 

Well, yeah, when you suddenly want to up and kill yourself, even though your life is fine, that's a big red flag right there.

She also said that a doctor gave Bella medication for nausea one time which gave her horrible anxiety. Not surprisingly, her doctor tried to tell her she was “just anxious.”

Jessie was given a monthly injection one time for her migraines which gave her palpitations and dizziness. She complained to her doctor who denied that these were side effects. But then when she contacted the company that made the stuff, they confirmed that yes, they were side effects. The doctor then called and blasted her out for calling the company.

With my past experiences, I can totally relate to the hell they've suffered! The medical gaslighting in this country is horrible. Doctors are sworn to do no harm yet they intentionally deny side effects to make their jobs easier. And nowadays many of them won't give health care to women who need it because of the fucking SCOTUS. It still angers me to this day, even after all these years, that none of the California doctors, except for my GYN who didn't have to deal with that aspect of my health, would believe that levothyroxine can make me anxious. Well, I'm sure they believed it. They just didn't want to work to find me an alternative or at least seek out a dose appropriate for me and not what their numbers required. After all, what reason would anyone have to insist something wasn't normal for them if it was? Doctors are supposed to be smart, and therefore they should know better. No one has anything to gain by complaining of side effects just for fun.

Jessie says she wishes she'd known we were going to move to Florida because there are affordable places near her where you don't pay rent like we do here. Yeah, but what's affordable to most isn't exactly affordable to us. We're that low-income these days. He's not going back to work for fun. 

I wish I had known she was gonna move down here because I definitely would have focused more on her area. But we focused on the Gulf because it's cheaper and a little safer from hurricanes depending on where you are. Like it or not, we're likely locked in for life and for the first time in my life, I don't want to move unless we get rich and have plenty of options. Yes, I would have loved to be near her but it could be worse. The only things that keeps this place from being less than perfect is that we don't have a great view of a lake or the ocean as I would have liked as that's too expensive, it's too small, and we're in a flight path. But Jessie, along with most of the world, is also in a flight path. She just doesn't mind. So unless something bad happens around here, I don't see us going anywhere unless we ever need assisted living.

I didn't watch it, of course, but I saw the highlights of the Republican debate, and they weren't the least bit surprising. Especially with Pence promising to work tirelessly at continuing to strip women of more and more rights and make it more difficult and costlier for them to receive health care.

Had a power failure late last night for about an hour. I'm guessing they were working on something because there weren't any storms going on.

Having one of the shittiest days I've had in a while. I'm worse than fatigued, but having mild anxiety as well. I noticed over the last few days that the hypo symptoms were backing off. But now, except for fatigue, they’re starting to do a complete 180 on me as the side effects slowly trickle back in. I kept waking up a million times and was on fire. I'm poopy and can feel waves of adrenaline beneath the surface threatening to bubble up. 

I let Galileo know, and we agreed to stop the vitamin D. They're gonna check back in with me in a few days and if that's not enough and I’m still having symptoms, I'll have to scale my dose back. 

I forgot that for some reason, Jessie won't tell me what her thyroid numbers are since her dose was decreased, yet I asked again earlier. If I wasn't having memory issues, I would have remembered and known that she would just tell me she would have to check but of course, she wouldn't. All she's told me is that she's been tired and hungrier. Because of this, I was curious as to what her last reading was. I have no idea why she's so secretive about this, but she is. 

I just had a horrible thought. Well, how I’m feeling right now answers my question as to whether or not I can get used to tolerating lower TSH numbers by getting less tolerant of higher ones. The answer is obviously no. What worries me is that I may not even be able to stand to be between 6-9 without horrible fatigue, assuming a CPAP doesn’t help, yet unable to get my TSH any lower without side effects from the med. That would really leave me in a bind! It could still be the med causing it or chronic fatigue. I just have a bad feeling fatigue is going to be a regular part of the rest of my life. 

Why do I also keep feeling like something up there wants me to suffer for most of my life? My God, just give me something that will kill me if you hate me that much!!! 

I forgot to mention that I slept through the mower the other day, even though the side panel was down. This likely means that when the honker returns, I should be OK because even though the motorcycle is louder, it's further away. 

To say that they're rude assholes in the house behind him is an understatement! I was checking out the camera and I watched the bitch back her car out (she has a single-wide carport) while loverboy fired up his motorcycle and revved it into the street, continued to sit there revving it while she pulled the car in, then got out to hug him goodbye before he roared off. 

The correct thing to do would have been to say their goodbyes FIRST, then for her to back out, then for him to turn the damn thing on WITHOUT revving it, and then simply take off. But no, everybody's got to put on a show, or at least not give a shit about those around them.

So much for giving up on my health although I did try to convince myself not to bother since I'm not getting anywhere. Yet I reached out to my docs and let them know the vitamins D and B-12 weren't helping with energy levels and asked about a full panel of blood work. So they decided to do a yearly wellness thing with me since it’s been since 2021 that I had a complete physical. This will be a virtual appointment for 20 minutes where we discuss my family medical history, my current symptoms, and what blood work and preventative testing they think I should undergo. 

They told me they understand how frustrating it can be to be dealing with not feeling well for so long but to please fight to get better and that they want me to feel better, etc. I'm kind of losing hope here but trying my best. I've had to do things in spurts because I have to stop and rest because the fatigue is overwhelming. My joints and muscles are stiff and I feel like I'm 97 instead of 57. 

I know a lot of this could be on the thyroid but my biggest concern is that there could be something else going on that I don't know about. It's just that nothing I come up with makes sense. If it's thyroid then why wasn't I practically comatose when I was diagnosed with a TSH in the 30s? 

Doesn't make sense for it to be heart-related or cancer-related because I don't have any other symptoms. I am just devoid of energy. 

If it was connected to the N24, then again, why wasn't I like this years ago? Why now? 

Something's got to be causing this. Funny too because I had a bad feeling that if I ever beat most of the anxiety it would be replaced with a new long-term problem and I guess this is it. I still stand by when I say that anything is better than anxiety but this is debilitating enough. It's draining what little energy I have just to talk type this and edit it.

And then there are the memory issues and the crazy emotions and urges. I have major brain fog where I have trouble remembering things both long-term and short-term but especially short-term, and then the frustration of my situation gets me stressed and depressed. I was fed up to the point of tears last night.

I haven't been a cutter since I was quite young but sometimes I still wish I could drop dead or grab an object and whack the shit out of myself with it as a means of distracting myself from whatever's been bugging me so relentlessly. I know it sounds absurd and I don't plan on doing anything crazy. I just wish the crazy thoughts would get the fuck out of my head! They're not always there but they're there often enough. More often than I would like.

I have more to say but already I need to go lay down and rest my eyes a bit.

Back again later on. So it took me 9 hours into my day to obtain some energy. 

Been exchanging messages with my doctors on and off throughout the night and they confirmed after asking me to share a photo that I am taking the right B-12 vitamins. They dissolve in your mouth and directly enter the bloodstream.

I asked if they thought multivitamin and mineral supplements would be good for me and they said that since my fatigue is likely due to low thyroid and being on the low end of normal on the B12, it wouldn't likely help with energy levels but would be okay to take if I felt I was lacking those vitamins and minerals from food, but I don't. I do eat healthy most of the time. 

Hopefully, that's going to get even healthier because I didn't know this but they said that gluten can affect the thyroid. They recommended a book called Wheat Belly. I couldn't get it with my Kindle Unlimited subscription but I was able to learn enough about it to know that it would be best to avoid gluten if I can. They recommend avoiding modified food starch, malt, maltodextrin, and hydrolyzed wheat protein. So I'll start checking ingredients more closely in search of those “bad” words. 

They also confirmed that yes, being older could make me more sensitive to elevated TSH levels which might explain why I wasn't this tired when I was first diagnosed. I guess that makes sense because I was exhausted during the move and found to be at 14 a few months later. Well, that's exactly what I was last time around too. This is probably wishful thinking but if I could become more sensitive to elevated TSH levels with age, could that mean I could become less sensitive to normal levels, as in not having so many side effects from the medication???

A video appointment has been scheduled for the 28th. 

The vag suppositories are horrible. They're so damn soft that they don't hold their shape. they're not rigid enough to load into the applicator nor can I shove them up there with a finger. I threw them in the refrigerator. Maybe that will firm them up a bit.

Nane’s birthday was yesterday. She turned 63. Sent Christiane my final - and yes, I mean final - message. No more of this one-sided friendship if you could even call it that. I'm tired of reaching out to those who don't care to reach out to me in return. I can't express just how fed up I am with hearing from people only if they hear from me first. They have a right to be who they are but then so do I.

Love our last Temu order! I used one of the plastic stencils and did a fairly decent painting. Even Andy liked it and he's pretty picky, LOL. I did one with multicolored pastels in the background and then stenciled a woman wearing a wide-brim hat that covers her eyes and nose, only exposing her full lips and giving her a mysterious and seductive look. Another thing I'm going to try sometime is tracing the stencil with chalk or pencil and then painting the entire design.

Made it to Viken, Norway yesterday! 193 miles to go.

The new cage came today and it's perfect! Tinkerbella loves it. It's a little ugly being black and I kind of wish the roof opened but it's otherwise really nice. Now she's not so cramped in even if she spends most of the time in her hammock.

Not going to have the energy to carry on with my story tonight since it's starting to get late in my day, but maybe tomorrow night. Or maybe I will do that or some painting or diamond drilling because I want to stay up until 7:00 so that I'm staying up late enough to meet with Helen on Friday. 

I had to message her because our credit card expired and I couldn't find a way to edit it on the website. She put me in touch with the owner who sent me a link where I could update it.

Today’s the day I officially give up on my health. Oh, I’m still going to take the vitamins even though they’re not doing me any good and I’m still going to work at getting my TSH back under 10 but I’m through trying to battle everything else. I’m just not meant to be healthy and I have to accept it and make the best of the rest of my life. It’s not like I’m going to die anytime soon, of course, but I don’t see myself making it to my 70s. At least I don’t think I do. Not with so many things I can’t treat. I swear it’s like something wants me fat, tired, and undermedicated! But it is what it is. I’m prone to side effects and there isn’t much I can do about that. So I’ll live with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, possible pending diabetes, and low thyroid for the rest of my life. I can get my thyroid close enough to normal but the rest I’m just going to have to live with and hope for the best.

I have a very bad and strong feeling that when I eventually get a CPAP it’s not going to do anything for this fatigue. I’ve been keeping track of how many days I’ve had fatigue and there’s no change since starting the vitamins. I have it almost half of the month when I analyze it by the month. The Bing bot also said you likely wouldn’t notice an increase in energy levels unless you were severely low on B-12 and I wasn’t. I was just on the low end of normal. Even though the nurse asked him if he had fatigue, his numbers were similar yet he doesn’t have fatigue.

I tell myself it’s just age and remind myself that many older people bitch about lack of energy for a reason but then how can people work until they’re 65 or older? Something’s got to be causing it. Or a few somethings.

The thing is that I’m so fucking sick of doctors and treatment I either can’t get or can’t handle that I’m fed up and I’m not going to bother anymore. Jessie was telling me that she’s had to prove her migraine case to her insurance company for years and how it’s a business out to make money that only cares about that and not anyone’s health, and I’m aware of this but that’s just wrong. Totally all wrong. I’m not going to prove myself to these people something multiple doctors have already proven. That’s like having to defend myself for what I write in my own journal and that’s just plain old fucking bullshit. I’m not going to belittle myself, like I said, with fighting for things I shouldn’t have to fight for. It’s bad enough I can’t even get on disability because I don’t have enough work credits in my past. You also have to have worked recently in order to get disability, not just have enough credits.

There could be so many things causing this fatigue. Could be on the thyroid even though I had way more energy before I was diagnosed. I doubt it’s anything related to my heart, arteries, or cancer because I don’t have any other symptoms.

When I got up this morning my blood sugar was 119. That’s the highest I’ve ever known it to be even though it came down to 108 later in my day. I wonder if that or the high blood pressure I have regularly could be a factor in why my kidney function was down a bit before surgery. These things could cause fatigue too, but as far as I can tell I’m not actually diabetic any more than Tom is. We’re both just pre-diabetic. Whether or not we’ll ever cross that threshold and become diabetic, I don’t know. It wouldn’t surprise me if we did because we’re fat and it runs in our families. I think the most likely scenario is that I developed chronic fatigue.

It just frustrates me to have all these things I can’t treat and that I can’t lose weight which would help with these things but that I would be afraid to lose if I could because I fear how it would affect my thyroid medication. But yeah, I’m so fucking sick of going to doctors and I’m not going to run to one specialist after another trying to figure out why I’m so tired just to either find out I can’t get a hold of treatment for it or there is no treatment or there’s treatment that I can’t handle.

I even threw away my order for a mammogram. If I’ve got breast cancer, which I doubt even though it’s hereditary and also runs in the family, I don’t give a shit anymore. I just don’t want to know it. Sometimes ignorance really is bliss. I just don’t want to deal with anything unless I have absolutely no choice. But again, with the odds of getting it at just 12%, I’ll likely beat those odds. Or at least not get cancer for many years to come if I ever do get it.

For the millionth time, I’m wondering if this shit with my health is random or if something up there has been picking on me. If it is, of course it’s not going to have anything kill me. No, it’s too much fun torturing me instead. Really, if it doesn’t value my health then why should I? I know that sounds ridiculous and maybe even downright crazy but still. It isn’t so much that I don’t value it as much as that I’m tired of making a career out of trying to better it just to get nowhere. I just want to live until I no longer do. Until then, I realize that my life is going to have a series of pause buttons throughout its days and nights. My life is going to be limited just like someone who can’t walk well. I’m not going to have the energy to do as much as I used to so maybe it’s a good thing we don’t have much money. I’d hate to have money I was too tired to enjoy.

He mentioned us going out and walking together in the fall when the weather cools down and the humidity dissipates but nope, I won’t do it. You have to be consistent with something like that otherwise you don’t really reap any benefits. It’s like starting all over again each time I finally have enough energy to get out there again, so he’s on his own with that much. I can still hop on the glider and ride my virtual bike in VR most days because that’s an easy workout. I rarely get my HR into the triple digits that way. It’s a very fun and relaxing workout.

I really believe I’m never going to have energy again. I don’t know; it’s just one of those strong feelings I sense. Up until now, I would have told you that not needing glasses was what I miss most about my youth but now it’s definitely my old energy that I miss most.

I didn’t do as much as I would have liked today but it wasn’t as if I didn’t do anything at all. We did go down to the pool for a quick dip. The water was nice but surprisingly cool. Some of the storms we’ve had at night cooled the temperature. It was hot out at the time, though, in the 90s so we drove down.

There were a few other couples there but no kids. A bald woman was present and I couldn’t help but wonder…did she shave her head? Was that just natural for her? Or did she recently have chemo?

Later…

I’m making FaceApp magic with my selfies, and wow! I was having fun playing around with this with Mia and Greta. It made them a more realistic and prettier version of themselves. It’s awesome. You can pick a variety of hairstyles, smiles, adjust the age, add makeup, and more. I sent an enhanced pic of me to Andy and want to see his reaction. I haven’t mentioned the app to him yet. I don’t think I could lie indefinitely to him because he’s my friend. Others, I probably won’t say anything to. It’s a little weird how my eyes look more brown than green in the pic, but it still came out nicely. It’s a fun app to play around with. I just have to crop off the logo and suffer through some ads since I’m not a premium member.

Tom gave me a good idea for why Natasha would want to crash at Nane’s place for free. In turning reality into bullshit like I love to do, I can’t kill him off because I don’t want to risk jinxing anything bad to happen to him in real life so we were thinking maybe Natasha can be on the run for some crime she committed until enough time passes for things to cool down.

Later…

Tom suggested asking Galileo to do a full panel of blood work on me to see what my A1C is because that’s a much better indicator of whether or not you’re diabetic or close to it but I don’t want that lipid panel coming up and them hounding me to take treatment I can’t tolerate. It is what it is. Despite the fatigue, I’m a lot more active than I was in late 2021 when it was found to be a little high and that’s the biggest key to keeping out of the diabetic range along with smart eating. His has been inching up, which is why they’re going to test him again soon.

I’m feeling a little better today. Some days I have energy and other days I don’t. We’ve got a thunderstorm going on now which is always nice. Especially when I’m awake to enjoy the rain and thunder and not be woken up by it.

We’re going to be running out to Publix early in the evening when it’s a little less crowded.

Eight people died of flesh-eating bacteria in the Tampa area. This wasn’t in freshwater either. It’s a little scary to think it could have been us! I have a feeling that oceans aren’t going to be a safe place to swim in at some point while we’re still alive.

Anyway, even though I can’t get medication that might help me, the full-spectrum light is surprisingly helpful in slowing the roll. My schedule isn’t jumping as fast. This will make getting to the endo appointment easier, even though normal numbers without side effects is the same dream as keeping a schedule and treating my other issues without problems.

Shared another month on Facebook. I’m going backward, doing a month or two at a time. I’m at the end of last year.

Galileo confirmed that I have to see a sleep specialist for the addicting sleeping pills I don't even need or want before I can be given the proper treatment for what I've got and that's only if these so-called addicting worthless sleeping pills “fail.” They offered to refer me to a specialist but I said no thanks.

This is one more reminder that we really can trust our gut feelings. If we have a gut feeling telling us something is not meant to be, it usually isn't. 

Tom says he doesn't know why and he's not going to ask but the insurance company reimbursed us $500. He said that means we haven't hit the yearly cap if I need another procedure. No thanks! I'm tired of procedures and doctors and just the whole damn health thing.

Jessie and I were laughing over those chocolate “pussy poppers” I'm expecting. When I saw them, I laughed to myself and said, “Are they serious?” But yeah, they have suppositories for dryness in every flavor imaginable, LOL. So I figured why not smell like chocolate down there while lubing up?

I also got a bunch of small tubes of different scented hand creams. Avocado, rose, aloe vera, shea butter, coconut, chamomile, honey, lavender, cherry blossom, and the only one I don't like is orange.

Most of all, we’re excited for Tinkerbella! We found a bigger cage for her that’s 20” x 20”. It isn’t just that she's cramped in where she is but also that when she gets old she's not going to be able to climb the walls of this cage as easily. The new cage has shelves and ramps and should be easier to clean too, and is on wheels. The only negative is the gap between the tray and outer walls of the cage but Tom can take care of that easily enough. The wire spacing is good too. It's gray and black, so boring colors but our girl will love it! It will be a little taller than this cage. This one is 41” and the new one will be 45”.

I'm tired today even though I shouldn't be. I slept for 7 hours and got a good sleep score. I was up a little long, though, at 17 hours. I didn't wake up to pee but I did wake up for a second to the sound of a loud crash that I assumed was thunder. Tom said he didn't think it was thunder. He said it sounded like something crashed in front of the house but he went out and checked all around the house and didn't see anything. So I'm guessing Toni dropped something heavy.

I have a feeling that getting my energy back is another one of those things that just isn't meant to be no matter what I do. I don't think a CPAP or any kind of vitamin is going to do it. I think I'm just meant to be tired half of the time. I'm not going to have my old energy back and I'm never going to have normal thyroid numbers without feeling anxious. It just isn't in my cards and I know I need to accept this. My normal is 6-9, not 1-4.

I am still horribly hypo and I don't think the dose increase or the vitamins are doing any good. I'm cold and starting to gain weight, too. I'm constantly hungry and have virtually no new hair growth since dyeing my hair. I used to look in the mirror and see gray roots and think I just dyed my hair! 

I just wonder how much worse it's going to get and what kind of hell I'm going to have to go through trying to get my TSH back under 10. I don't know if it's over 14 but it sure doesn't feel like it's under it.

Strange how I'm remembering my dreams less and less these days and what little I do remember usually isn't enough to put into words. I did, however, have a couple of interesting dreams. In one of them, Christiane and I went to visit Nane. It was late at night and Nane had already turned in. I was unable to sleep and I heard Christiane right outside my door rummaging around in a hall closet. I opened my door and asked if she was looking for an extra blanket. I told her I had one if she needed it and wanted to chat until we could fall asleep but she didn't seem in the mood for chatter. 

Then I had a dream my parents were alive and the house next to them was for sale. I was telling them that I really wanted to move in so I would be next to them not only for obvious reasons like if they needed help with anything but also because that way I would have control over who got their place after they were gone since we wanted to live somewhere permanently and never have to move again. 

Well, we're definitely never moving from here. Unless we ever need assisted living, this is it. We're just not going to have enough money for what I really want and I don't see the point in settling. There are only three minor negatives to this place, though. One, it's too small. Two, we're in a flight path. Three, it doesn't have a great view.

I sent Kim a 500-word letter and she replied with 4500 words. What is it with this girl's need to be so damn wordy? It's always the same old shit too. Her "journals" are all about Bob.

I'm so fucking pissed right now! You know that feeling I've always had saying I wasn't meant to keep a schedule and that if I was, I would have been able to keep one decades ago? Well, it was for a reason! I guess there really is no surprising one as intuitive/psychic as me because I knew there would be a problem. I just didn't know if the problem would be in getting the drug or getting the drug and finding it doesn't work. In this case, it's getting the drug. 

Apparently, my insurance company is misunderstanding and thinking I want something for insomnia and not N24 because I was told that you have to have tried and failed two different types of sleep aids for insomnia first. The problem is that these are controlled substances that they can't prescribe via telehealth. So I told Galileo I was looking for something to regulate my schedule that I would take daily, probably for the rest of my life. But at this point, we'll just forget it. I could only get the ramelteon, which they already filled, if we paid out of pocket and we don't have that kind of money.

I am the way I was meant to be, like it or not, happenstance or not. There's only so much control over our lives and bodies we have. I'm not gonna fight to change what can't be changed but just try to remember there is at least a little good to the times I'm on nights.

Not a good work week so far. I haven't even cut 20 pounds yet.

We're waiting on the groceries now. Tom is desperate for his treats, and I'm desperate for Red Lobster’s frozen fish filets. They were on sale, and I can't wait to try them. I just hope I don't feel like shit afterward.

I found an easier way to go through my old Facebook posts and am sharing a month here and there. I'm not sharing every single post with the public, but maybe about half of them.

I told Galileo I was getting frustrated with waiting for the medication, and they said they understood and would reach out to their support team to get a status update. 

I told Jessie I was worried they may deny me because it's not a matter of life and death like her Addison's medication is and she pointed out that she doesn't need Botox for migraines yet the insurance company pays $2500 every other month for it. Also, if they deny me, I can appeal. I still feel like I'm struggling for what isn’t meant to be, and I'm not sure I’m willing to fight for something that should come naturally. People just shouldn't have to “work” for a schedule any more than they should to reproduce and things like that.

Speaking of reproducing and the attack on women's reproductive freedom…as expected, the abortion pill will be heavily restricted soon enough. I'm guessing birth control will be next to be restricted. My God, ladies, how much more shit are you willing to take before you finally fight back?! And I don't mean shouting in the streets about it either. The problem is that while everyone's bitching about these extremists, no one's willing to actually do anything about them. I used to say that violence and breaking laws were never the right thing to do, but I don't know about that anymore. More than likely, though, society will simply wait, however many decades it may take, for things to swing the other way. Hopefully, they will, too.

Still, nothing as far as the receptor goes and I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to get it. It's an expensive drug, and I'm sure the insurance company is no doubt going to fight it. Well, there's only so much I'm willing to fight for when it comes to the things that are supposed to be normal and a basic human birthright. Others are free to do what they want, but it's ridiculous to fight to have a baby as it's ridiculous to fight for a normal schedule. We can waste time struggling for what isn't meant to be or we can make the best of what is meant to be. There aren't even any guarantees that it will work if I do get it. So if worse comes to absolute worst, since I still get a feeling that if I was meant to be on a schedule I would have been on one decades ago, I can at least look forward to the alone time I get on nights (I like a mix of together and alone time) and the fact that I get 5 or 6 hours off from the planes. Might hear a few helicopters going to the hospital here and there, but that's about it between midnight and 6:00 AM.

Been thinking of going public on Facebook. I just think it would be really cool if society still existed 1000 years from now to be one of many examples of life in this era. I used to be paranoid about who saw my friends there but now I don't give a shit. If someone wants to bash me to any of my friends because they didn't like that I said spicy food sucks and the supposed friend dumps me for it, well, that pretty much tells me just how much of a friend they were to begin with, right?

I just wish there was an easier way to pull up old posts. There's a post archive, but it's pretty worthless. I don't understand why there isn't a simple way to pull up posts from a specific year.

How many times do I have to make myself sick before I get that I can’t eat the way I did when I used to have a gallbladder? We went to Publix and got some hot food. It was so good but the shrimp was fried, the pasta shells were very cheesy, and the pulled pork was greasy. I just can’t eat fried or fatty foods anymore. Fruits, veggies, and raw meats that I have to cook are what I need to focus on. The thing is that I do most of the time, but I crave variety and something different every now and then. Frying something with light olive oil in a skillet doesn’t hurt me, but I can’t have any deep-fried stuff.

After eating I not only became nauseous and had acid reflux, but I became extremely tired too. I ended up napping. So does this mean that the energy I thought the B-12 vitamins were giving me the last few days was just a coincidence or was that connected to the fried fatty foods as well? I’ll find out tomorrow when I return to healthy eating, as long as a storm doesn’t wake me up.

I might have to dump my story because I just can’t think of where to take it from here. I asked the bot for some ideas and it gave me a few good ones, but nothing that makes sense for this particular story.

Still waiting for the receptor. It’s almost like something has already put an obstacle before me as if to say, “No. It’s not meant to be! If you were meant to be on a schedule, you would have been on one years ago.”

I hope that’s just the pessimist in me being paranoid and nothing else. Either way, it still seems too good to be true. My body is going to try to fight it at first because not being on a schedule is normal for me. So I’m going to basically have to become abnormal to be normal. If it doesn’t help me to keep a schedule every day, it would be great if it helped when I had something critical coming up like an important appointment or we wanted to do something. I would hate to have Andy tell me he was coming down at such a time just to have to tell him there was a good chance I would have to sleep.

We ordered a thin crispy crust pizza from Domino’s yesterday, and we both felt like shit afterward. The pizza wasn’t all that good because the crust was actually too thin and my lack of gallbladder had me feeling a bit nauseous for a while. I really gotta stop the fast food. 

I was just thinking how similar this place is getting to NorCal and that it’s getting drier each summer with the summers getting warmer while the winters are getting cooler but the storms are back. We had a quick storm yesterday and it’s raining right now. No thunder yet. I’m sure that’s waiting until I meet with Helen later.

Got about 360 miles to go on my trip. If I waited just a little longer to create this ride, I could have gotten through Germany instead of only being allowed to pass through Hamburg. But now I would have about 600 miles left if I had. Once I get down to about 200 miles to go, I should be in Norway.

Made another Temu order. Got a couple of more carpet runners identical to this one for the bedroom. We'll eventually be getting an area rug from Amazon because they have better deals on the size we want.

Other things we're getting:

• A case to store my colored pencils that has a floral design on it with a pink background.

• Floral stickers for toilet seat covers.

• A wall hanging that consists of multi-colored flip-flops and shells that’s fitting with being in Florida.

• A metallic rainbow toe ring that will probably be too big for my tiny toes and will end up on my fingers.

• Painting stencils.

• A sticker you put on the base of your wall by the floor with a couple of mice appearing to peek out of a hole.

• An ultrasonic humidifier/aromatherapy diffuser that appears as if different color flames are shooting out of it.