I slept better, but damn was last night kinda shitty. I was in a horrible mood and devoid of energy too, of course. I have more energy tonight because my sleep didn't get broken up like the last couple of times but it's going to be a very long night for me. That's because I won't be meeting with Helen until bedtime. Well, technically, I'll be finishing up at bedtime. Since I can't just jump in bed and fall asleep right when we're done and need to unwind a bit, I'll probably be up 17 to 18 hours, which means automatic fatigue tomorrow.

Back to being on the cool side and no sign of anxiety or mindfuckers or anything bad. So yeah, there was something about the vitamin D’s. Doesn’t mean I’m home-free just yet, though, on the dose increase because it hasn’t been 6 weeks. But with the D’s out of the picture, it’s looking good. There was something about it that made me feel the symptoms of going hyper even though I agree that my numbers aren’t likely that low yet. I’m probably 12-13 now.

Good God, what's the point of being able to enjoy the few hours off from commercial planes if I'm just gonna get slammed with helicopters instead? This is the fifth fucking one. They seem to be worse on Friday nights.

Anyway, in finishing up yesterday's health work, I checked out the links my docs recommended and saw a full list of side effects for Ramelteon and said, "No way!"

It can cause suicidal thoughts and I'm not going to go through that hell again like I did with an asthma inhaler I once took in the 90s and then the Prozac in 2015.

So I told them I wasn't interested and they said there was another drug approved for N24 that did not include suicidal thoughts called Hetlioz. The main highlights as far as its side effects go are nightmares, drowsiness, headaches, respiratory issues, UTI infections, and a few other things. Well, I'm tired a lot and have nightmares anyway and I could take ibuprofen or something like that for headaches, so if I didn't get anything worse, it may be worth it but that's only if I can get it. I'm gonna have to jump through all kinds of hoops to get approval for financial assistance being low income and all that. Who knows how many in-person appointments I may have to have too? If it could work without debilitating side effects, it would be worth it, though I still have my doubts. I still feel like I'm not meant to have a schedule. I just wish I knew if it was by chance or design.

If I believed in design for certain, I would start to wonder if something really wanted me to make it to the endo appointment, after all, because the light therapy does seem to be slowing my schedule from jumping as fast. That's why it's gonna be a long day today. When I made my appointment with Helen, I expected to be getting up 5-6 hours later than I did.

Jessie was telling me about the job she got with the State recently and how she and Bella are very prone to side effects. She said that as long as I'm not like them, don't assume I'm gonna get the side effects just because others do. 

But I am like them. I just think the words side effects and I get them so I'm sure I'll get something. It's just a matter of whether or not it's anything I can put up with.

She understood my reluctance to go with Ramelteon, pointing out that many mental health drugs alter body chemistry and stuff like that. 

Well, yeah, when you suddenly want to up and kill yourself, even though your life is fine, that's a big red flag right there.

She also said that a doctor gave Bella medication for nausea one time which gave her horrible anxiety. Not surprisingly, her doctor tried to tell her she was “just anxious.”

Jessie was given a monthly injection one time for her migraines which gave her palpitations and dizziness. She complained to her doctor who denied that these were side effects. But then when she contacted the company that made the stuff, they confirmed that yes, they were side effects. The doctor then called and blasted her out for calling the company.

With my past experiences, I can totally relate to the hell they've suffered! The medical gaslighting in this country is horrible. Doctors are sworn to do no harm yet they intentionally deny side effects to make their jobs easier. And nowadays many of them won't give health care to women who need it because of the fucking SCOTUS. It still angers me to this day, even after all these years, that none of the California doctors, except for my GYN who didn't have to deal with that aspect of my health, would believe that levothyroxine can make me anxious. Well, I'm sure they believed it. They just didn't want to work to find me an alternative or at least seek out a dose appropriate for me and not what their numbers required. After all, what reason would anyone have to insist something wasn't normal for them if it was? Doctors are supposed to be smart, and therefore they should know better. No one has anything to gain by complaining of side effects just for fun.

Jessie says she wishes she'd known we were going to move to Florida because there are affordable places near her where you don't pay rent like we do here. Yeah, but what's affordable to most isn't exactly affordable to us. We're that low-income these days. He's not going back to work for fun. 

I wish I had known she was gonna move down here because I definitely would have focused more on her area. But we focused on the Gulf because it's cheaper and a little safer from hurricanes depending on where you are. Like it or not, we're likely locked in for life and for the first time in my life, I don't want to move unless we get rich and have plenty of options. Yes, I would have loved to be near her but it could be worse. The only things that keeps this place from being less than perfect is that we don't have a great view of a lake or the ocean as I would have liked as that's too expensive, it's too small, and we're in a flight path. But Jessie, along with most of the world, is also in a flight path. She just doesn't mind. So unless something bad happens around here, I don't see us going anywhere unless we ever need assisted living.

I didn't watch it, of course, but I saw the highlights of the Republican debate, and they weren't the least bit surprising. Especially with Pence promising to work tirelessly at continuing to strip women of more and more rights and make it more difficult and costlier for them to receive health care.

Had a power failure late last night for about an hour. I'm guessing they were working on something because there weren't any storms going on.