I'm not only fatigued but I'm starting to feel that “lump” at the base of the right side of my neck which I believe is my thyroid swelling as my TSH soars. The lump that my old doc tried to tell me was arthritis.

To say God helps those who help themselves is such a crock of shit. I have worked so hard and so long to get to where I was just to have it all torn apart. It's wild fluctuations like this that put me at risk of being anxious. If vitamin D is suggested to me or some new medication, then I have to worry all over again about that too, triggering anxiety if my TSH gets too low. First, though, I’m worried about how high it’s going to get. If I don’t get answers on Thursday, I’ll have to wait until September.

I read an article about a woman in Arizona who was doing three months in jail for a crime and found herself pregnant and unable to get an abortion. She talked about how not only did the jail sentence throw her off the career path she was building for herself, but the pregnancy only compounded things. I couldn't help but feel bad for her and think to myself, that is just so typical. That is just so, so life!

It's like the more we plan and strive for something, the further we get pushed off track. We can spend our lives dreaming or we can spend it living. Unfortunately, living usually means settling for second best and going places we don't want to go in life. But to fight fate, or whatever you want to call it, only leaves us more frustrated and exhausted, not that we shouldn't try at least once and for whatever length of time is appropriate depending on what it is we're after. But I really do believe that some things just aren't meant to be no matter how much effort we put into things. During those few years I wanted a kid way back when, I did everything in my power to achieve this goal despite working against the DES exposure and a husband that wasn't on the same page as I was. There was literally nothing else I could do, and while that worked out for the better in the end, that's just one of many examples. There were other things as well... My attempts to break into the music business with a voice that was good but not great and without being in the right place and having the right connections. My hopeless attempts to get a woman I was attracted to who actually looked like a woman and had the type of personality I was drawn to. Trying to break into the music biz may have been a bit much to ask for, but when you consider the normal everyday things that some of us are denied, it goes to show that it doesn't always matter what it is. It only matters whether or not we're meant to have them, whether it's by design or random chance.

This brings me to my discussion with Helen yesterday. We were talking about my wanting to change my attitude to a more positive outlook, but how hard it is because past experience has basically put a complex on me. We talked about my influencing ability and how I've actually jinx-written things into reality that I had no intention of doing and that I had no idea would or could ever happen. As I also pointed out, I have no control over it. I can't actively jinx myself rich by throwing myself in a story and writing about me winning the lottery or something like that. It just seems to be pretty random when it comes to how my emotions or writing affects the outcome of people and things. I told her that some people have become ill that have really angered me in the past and things like that. It's an ability I definitely didn't ask for. The dream premonitions I sometimes have are enough.

Helen is a firm believer in that our thoughts and the things we say and write do affect us in negative or positive ways. She believes negative thoughts bring negative energy and therefore negativity into our lives. Years ago, I would have laughed at this idea. But seeing myself jinx-write things does make me wonder. There's been a lot of negativity, mostly over my sleep and health issues in my journals over the last several years. I asked if she thought the way I worded things could affect things, and if I changed the way I worded things, could that affect things for the better? She believes they can. The problem is that I don't want to lie to myself. Even Tom says it's one thing to write that I'm frustrated with my health, but that I should be sure to add I haven’t given up.

but I have given up. I'm not going to kid myself. I know I meant to be tired and not very healthy. I just don't know why. Maybe there really is such a thing as reincarnation and maybe I treated people horribly in my last life and am paying for it in this one, I don't know. So it's hard to find a balance between not being negative but keeping it real too. I don't want to be unrealistically positive. I need to accept the things I can't change so I can work on what I can change. So it's not like I'm going to quit my meds and never go to doctors ever again. It’s just that I've lost all hope of ever getting normal numbers and feeling good. I lost that years ago, to be honest. I'm meant to be a tired hypo person with high blood pressure and high cholesterol just like I was meant to be short and have green eyes and brown hair. Well, before I went gray, of course.

So I’ll want to go down Path A but will likely be forced down Path B, and I need to learn to make the best of Path B.