And the punishment goes right on. My day started off wonderfully, but as always, the freeloaders had to come and ruin my peace and happiness. It never fucking ends! God’s going to victimize Tom and I with these people forever! They just won’t fucking go away! They are an inextricable part of our lives. Oh, I am sooo pissed right now!

My day starts off great with Tom telling me that the stock sold this morning, then I see Scot and he comes out and tells us there’s a 90% chance that starting in January, we can only see him in Casa Grande, cuz of a new judge coming in and not having the space and privacy to meet with people. Naturally, the first thing that came to mind was, great. Now I’ll have to endure the humiliation of pissing in front of someone. The second thing that came to mind was the longer drive. It’s about 14 miles to see him here in town, but Casa fucking Grande is more like 24 miles. Almost twice as far.

I can’t believe how much of my life, time and money I’ve lost over a fucking letter! I just can’t believe this shit. There’s always something more we gotta do for these freeloaders. Always. It’s been one thing after another and it’s never going to end. Never! Always with me, always with them. The next thing I know he’ll be saying they made a new rule demanding everyone to be tested at least once a month. If we had to switch to Casa Grande with just 3 or 4 months left, it wouldn’t be so bad, but we’ll be talking 10 come January.

Then, when I brought up the subject of seeing him just once a month, he said he makes everyone see him twice a month and that those who see him only once a month see him that little cuz they came from POs that lowered them to that.

Well, I appreciate the fact that he’s kept his word so far and hasn’t used or abused his position, but he’s gotten to be a little too by the book. I think it’s pretty asinine of him not to have a little compassion for those with long drives who haven’t been a problem. It’d be less paperwork for him if he did, but I guess the control is worth it to him. Tom said that he thinks they’ll consider keeping him around somehow since most of his clients live here, but that’s bullshit and I know it. They don’t give a damn. They don’t have one stitch of empathy for Maricopa’s probationers, trust me. He also says I may never be tested again since I have a clean track record, but that doesn’t mean shit and I know it. This state doesn’t give a shit about track records, long drives and good behavior. All it cares about is money, power and control.

These freeloaders have really killed my dream of living out here. They’ve totally marred the whole moving experience, the land, the house, etc. This place is going to be forever connected to them and I can’t stay here. As I told Tom, “I can’t live here anymore. I can’t just sit around and let ourselves be victimized year after year. You think a year from now’s gonna be the end? Well, even if it appeared to be, I’d still always be looking over my shoulder with paranoia, wondering if they were going to either rehash this shit or start over on me with something new to frame me with. Or maybe they’ll just come and shoot us or torch our house down. I don’t want to stick around and find out. Fuck the big beautiful house and making money off it. I don’t want it if this shit is the price we have to pay for it. I want out and I’ll live in a teepee in the woods for all I care! Let’s just take the money and run and get the fuck out of this shit state. It’s the only way we’re ever going to be able to move on cuz this state sure as hell won’t let us.”

See, I should’ve killed myself two years ago. At the time I had nearly 35 years of experience to know that it’s just going to be one thing after another for the rest of my life. Either some person or fate is going to interfere with my life while God just sits back and lets it all happen.

When Tom mentioned paying off the balance all at once, Scot said he didn’t recommend it cuz Tom could get a new job in a new part of the country and it’d be hell trying to get the money back. In other words, don’t pay it off in case I get thrown in jail.

There’s always some kind of change or new thing I gotta do for these freeloaders and I’m so fucking sick of it! aaarrrggghhh!!! “If only we could torture and kill everyone involved in causing this to happen to us!” I told Tom.

“Well, all I can say…” he started to say till I cut him off with, “Is that we can’t because we’d go to prison for the rest of our lives for it while God protected them.”

The only good thing about going to Casa Grande, the only good thing, would be that it wouldn’t matter which Friday we went to see him, although that’s going to change, too. Friday might become Wednesday.

Tom said we’ve got 2½ months to work something out and that there’s no sense in getting pissed off about it now cuz nothing’s happened yet.

But it will. He said there’s a 90% chance it will and that’s good enough for me. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a done deal that’s as inevitable as the sun rising and setting.

I tried to tell myself, oh just relax. You know God loves to see you get all worked up and worried over nothing. Just maybe you won’t be tested there.

But maybe I will be. I don’t know this for sure and I don’t want to stick around and find out. I want out! I haven’t been tested since mid-February. That’s 8 months. If he tested me here before the year’s out, then I might be tempted to believe he wouldn’t ever test me again, no matter where we were. Then the only issue would be the longer drive, though we’d be able to be a bit choosier about when we went.

All in all, even if they came out and kicked me off probation today, I still think we should get out of here as soon as we can. This is no place to live, be it in a big city like Phoenix or rural Maricopa. Any state that can have such ludicrous laws is no place I want to be. And I don’t like the idea of living in this kind of society. People may be people wherever you go, but this is way worse. I can’t live in a place where the people react like butchy Andi and like the freeloaders did, simply because I asked them to quiet down.

I can’t believe all this shit started over loud music! If they had just shut up, none of this shit would’ve ever happened, but see, that’s what you get in Arizona; you politely ask someone to do something that’s reasonable, appropriate and correct, and this is the shit you get for it. They use their connections to get at you, they torture you more, or both. These people can’t handle shit out here and they’re so fucking vindictive!

As I said, our stock sold. I wish all my negative vibes could be wrong. Tom said that maybe my vibe was due to the fact that we’re not going to be able to get as much as he had hoped, though we can take part of our pension plan money to make up for it, then pay it back in time, since he’s still 10-15 years away from retirement.

He still thinks it’d be a good idea to get a kiln and that dollmaking might still be possible, but I don’t know. Even if it were, what’s the point of getting all into that just to have the freeloaders disrupt me? They always have to come first. The freeloaders take precedence over everything. I’m afraid to even think of doing something I want to do, cuz every time I do, someone or something comes and either stops me altogether or ruins it for me if I do start to succeed.

PG’s pissing me off again, too. I swear I mean it this time when I say I’m through with them as soon as I get Tasha. First they said she was to be shipped immediately on the 13th, then today I got a message saying she was released from their warehouse on the 17th and would be shipped to me right away, and I’m like – just put the damn doll in the mail and send it to me! What is so fucking hard about that? What is it about that they just don’t get? Oh, and now it’s 7-14 business days rather than 7-10 that I should get her in.

I can’t speak for Florida, but the more I think about it, the more I think Mary’s going to get off fairly easily. That’s because in this state, as Tom and I discussed before, they tend to go harder on the lesser charges as well as those that weren’t premeditated. As twisted as it is, if I had beat the shit out of the black bitch in the heat of the moment as I should have and like I wanted to, I probably would’ve been charged with a misdemeanor (most violent crimes here are considered to be misdemeanors) and gotten the one year of probation they said I’d get. But because the letter was supposed to be planned and because I used the government to deliver it, that’s what made it a felony, and felony or not, that’s why I got such a harsh sentence.

Mary may be as innocent as I am, but child neglect is seen as a more serious thing than threatening letters, and it wasn’t “planned.” Therefore, I don’t think she can get much more time than I got. Nancy I. told me about a guy who put his girlfriend’s kid’s hand on a stove only to get just 5 years probation and absolutely no jail time. So, with the exception of child molestation and cold-blooded murder, the more serious your crime, guilty or not, the lighter they’re likely to go on you. Take the case of that loud-mouthed Laticia; she got 7 years of intense probation just for drugs, according to Mary. That’s a bit overkill for drugs, but that’s the point – she planned to take the drugs. She didn’t just one day suddenly happen to have cocaine fly up her nose in a split second. She knew what she was doing and had time to think about what she was going to do from the moment she went to buy the drugs till she took them.

Even if Mary was totally guilty, it’s a serious charge and no one could prove that she sat back and decided one day that she was going to neglect her kid. So, although I’m no expert, based on just the Arizona case, I’d say she has a good chance of getting let go as soon as the testifying’s done, but what happens in Florida is a complete mystery to me. I know how the southwest is and the northeast, but I don’t know the southeast. Maybe things will balance out. Meaning that if Florida’s got their priorities straight and isn’t as harsh in general, maybe she’ll get the same thing in Gretchen’s case as with James. In both cases, I think the probation is going to far outweigh the jail time. It’s not a sex-related crime, so I doubt they’ll keep her on probation for life, but she’s gotta be looking at least 10 years of probation. I asked her about that, but she hasn’t answered me. Maybe she doesn’t have a clue. Both my vibes and guesses tell me that after she testifies here and stands trial in Florida, she’ll be out between 2005–2008 and she’ll be on probation for 10-20 years.

Hope may’ve been given 40 years, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she were out in a decade but then had to do 20-40 years pro.

If standard probation can be this stressful and frustrating, I’d hate to see myself on intense pro! Imagine a lifetime of intense pro? You just might as well stay in jail/prison!

The closer Mary gets to closure with both cases, the more likely I’ll be to get vibes, though Florida’s gonna be harder. Cross-country vibing is a bit tough. If she’s still at Estrella in a year and we’re still in this warped state, I’ll read what I can on her when I go to see her.

Another issue is money. Law enforcement is mainly about 3 things. Power, control and money. That’s another reason people get such insane probation time. It’s a business just like any other. The only difference is that this business can get away with being unfair and unreasonable. Nonetheless, the more people they can get on probation and the longer they’re on it, the more money they make.

With my shit luck, I’ll stick around, breathe a sigh of relief once I get down to the last few months, then be told I have to take those bullshit classes.

I totally gotta put my foot down someday. This can’t go on and on and on. I’ve got to fight back. Somehow, someway, even if that means having to give up a lot of things. I mean, I would never complain if we did get rowdy renters, cuz I know that all it takes is one wrong connection to really ruin our lives, but I feel like I’ve done absolutely nothing but let this system walk all over me. There’s got to be something I can do. Doesn’t anyone out there who could help me care? I guess I’m just going to have to help myself. I mean, they’re pushing me over the edge of a cliff here and I can’t take much more of this shit. We all have our breaking points and the harder I’m backed into a corner, the more likely I am to snap. God, I wish I could take society as a whole in the palm of my hand and squash the life and existence right out of it! Excluding those I love, of course. See, it isn’t life that’s been a problem for me so much as other people. It’s people who make my life hell.

The fact that everyone else but myself has any say in my life and what happens to me really pisses me the fuck off. Oh, how I want so bad to tell Scot, “Look. You’re just going to have to compromise with me and meet me halfway. You can have your way about the twice-a-month visits, you can have your way with Casa Grande, but under no circumstances will I be humiliated and made to feel like I’m being molested by having someone watch me piss. It’s a non-negotiable deal. Take it or leave it.”

But I want much more to get the fuck out of here. The only way to end this shit is if I walk away and detach myself from it myself. It’s not going to go away on its own, and if he didn’t test me there, it’d just be something else.

I just want to do things to those fucking freeloaders sooo badly. Things I won’t bother mentioning that are just a fantasy anyway.

I changed half of the betta’s water today and rotated them, which I’ll do weekly. The one that was in the bedroom is now in the kitchen. He’s my favorite. He seems more active, curious and alert. Braver, too. At least it doesn’t matter if any of them are as crazy as the Rat Runner, cuz I’ll never have to handle these fish, and they can’t escape.

Later…

Made it all the way to now without having to run the AC. After that initial cool spell, it warmed back up to where we needed the AC from the late mornings to the early evenings.

I had a dream Teddy Bear sent me a letter. Mean anything? I doubt it, but does it matter?