When Amelia isn’t here by tomorrow like she’s supposed to be, I’ll email PG Monday. This will be the first time an out-of-stock doll had problems getting to me, but you know, I’m really getting sick of this and it’s not making me want to even think about making dolls! Why can’t I just order a doll and get it? Why am I so cursed with getting dolls? If I have to fight tooth and nail just to get them, I’m certainly not going to be able to make them. Meanwhile, just like with every other non-doll-related item, the sewing machine will have no problem getting to me.

They’re still working in back. I guess the renters are still living there, too. Maybe I just can’t see the shit they’ve got strewn all over as much since that big rainstorm we had made the trees and bushes denser.

I’m also sick of these two big brown dogs that come traipsing onto our land regularly and I think they’re connected to the renters, too. But how did they go from having one dog that was tied down to two that are constantly on the loose? Are these the worker’s dogs? Other renters? Or could they live entirely somewhere else?

Since it’s not cloudy today, it’s a little warmer out. Earlier, it was actually cooler outside than inside. It was 73° in here when I got up at 11:00.

I’ll probably sleep till 2:00 tomorrow, then we’ll leave at 3:00. We’ll stop at Circle K after seeing Scot, then we’ll go to the pet store, the bookstore and Walgreens. We’ll have to stop at an office supply store too, cuz he was too tired to stop today for ink and paper.

I’ve been asking myself what bothers me about this platonic relationship we’ve got going here, and I’ve finally realized that it’s not the platonic part of it that bothers me, it’s the fact that I always enter into his reasons for why he can’t or won’t do something pertaining to sex. Sometimes it was cuz of his being sick or sore, but the bulk of the time, as I said to myself, notice how the word “you” usually applies when he’s explaining why he can’t or won’t do something?

Why can’t he just admit, like I did, that he simply isn’t in the mood? Simply isn’t interested? Why must he put it on me and say it’s cuz I’m not interested? Why is it that it’s almost always me? Something I wear, something I say, something I do, etc. What did he marry me for if I was such a turn-off in one way after another?

What bothers me more than us being just “damn good friends,” is the risk he’s obviously willing to take. I know he has nothing to worry about, but doesn’t he ever worry about losing me over this? Most women, though I’m certainly not most women, would walk on account of all these reasons he finds to avoid her that’s supposedly her fault, be it directly or not. He says he accepts me as I am and that’s all well and good, but this situation makes me feel as if he’s taking my existence for granted.

I never blamed him for my lack of desire, so why must he do so to me? Why must he be so stubborn? I told him the truth – that it just got old. Not bad, but old. It’s nothing he did, it’s not that I don’t love him or find him attractive, it just got old. The only thing that would be different now if we were getting it on would be that I wouldn’t utter a complaint about the not cumming. Naturally, though, back when I wanted a kid and he said he did too, that was different. Then I had every reason to complain, and that’s another example right there; whether or not he wanted a kid, instead of saying he’d seek help in 3 years if he still wasn’t cumming, couldn’t he have said either, “I’m happy the way I am,” or, “I simply don’t want to change?” Instead, 98% of it was because of me. I pressured him, wore a too-short skirt in public, said this, said that, etc.

I just don’t understand why so many people need scapegoats, be it illnesses, injuries or other people as their source of excuses. Can’t people be honest about their reasons or say “I don’t know” if they don’t know for sure what the reason is?

If he had told me it was cuz of work-related stress, fearing the black bitch would jump out at us again, worrying about Mary or Mom getting ill, that’d be one thing. But no, it’s always my fault. Meanwhile, I’m supposed to sit back and just accept that. Well, I don’t. I accept his lack of interest, though. That I accept. Any normal, red-blooded man, or any normal, red-blooded human being, for that matter, would not simply sit back and take this platonic arrangement so damn well if they didn’t want it that way. I’d think there’d have to be a hint of unhappiness, some complaining.

Well, I’m not going away and I’m virtually positive I’ll never have a woman side dish cuz of the excuses and bogus dates they make, and of course, then the ones that do show up are hideously ugly.

I appreciate the fact that he’s cut way down on the snapping at me, now I just wish he’d level with me.

No booms today. Hopefully, they’ll remain few and far between and will never be like they were between January and March of 2000!