Another day of depression and struggle. Tom’s curious to see the outcome of this current mess we’re in, but I’m done with being curious, hopeful or anything. I’m ready to die. Why wait for things to get worse, for me to get older, fatter, etc.? Our biggest fear right now is him being fired. I guess this place tends to fire people within the first few months. If he’s still there in October when the benefits start, then maybe there will be hope of him staying there. Until then, he’s rather vulnerable. Aren’t we always vulnerable to other people, though? Isn’t our fate usually in their hands? Like I said, if life can’t be what we want it to be and we’re only going to have a few scattered bursts of success and happiness, I’m more than willing to check on out of this world. We didn’t come here to live like bums. The plan wasn’t to go bumming it in motels or apartments. We were supposed to build a mortgage-free home. But this can never happen as long as God’s so determined to curse our vehicles and set us back. It’s like, hasn’t He got anything better to do than pick on Tom and Jodi S? What is His obsession with us and what did we ever do to anyone to deserve this shit? I wish He’d pick on his mother for once as in killing her. There are people that could really benefit from her death yet she’s just sitting around hogging up space all damn day and night. Instead of painting pictures and arranging flowers, she should drop dead and get us out of this mess. Then again, so what if we could get out of it right now? It’d only be a matter of time before God would kick us back down again.

What’s God going to curse us with this Thursday, I wonder? I’ve been having bad vibes pertaining to Thursday. I assume it’s over the truck. It always is these days. If we have no well or roof for Him to curse, He’ll just keep going after the truck. On the bright side, I’ve been a lousy psychic since coming here, so maybe, just maybe, Thursday won’t be any worse than usual. If it turns out that I’m right, I’m certainly going to have conflicting emotions about having my abilities rekindled.

We discussed various ways to kill ourselves, but haven’t come up with a sure plan yet. We’re afraid that if we go to the land and run the hose into the RV from the truck it may only put us to sleep and not kill us. Shooting ourselves seems unlikely too, because that’d mean one would have to see the other blow their brains out. Dodging in front of vehicles may only leave us wounded. That leaves possibly hanging or starving ourselves. Another problem is that Tom doesn’t want to go belly-up just yet. I wish he was as ready to exit this sorry world as I am. Maybe after another few weeks or a few months of this shit, he will. I know we’ll be incredibly fucked if they do fire him. Then I think we’d have no choice but to go. I try to console myself by telling myself that God doesn’t hate us enough to do that to us at this time, but how can I be sure of that? No one who’s led the life I’ve led can say they’re blessed. The only way I’ve been truly blessed is by meeting Tom. Other than that, nothing up there likes me or has any desire to cut me any breaks in life, let alone bless me like a little queen.

The only good thing I can say right now is that this motel is incredibly quiet. It’s totally unbelievable! It’s basically because the place is mostly deserted. There are only 5 rooms on the strip across from us that are occupied, and just a couple of others on this side. No one’s been in the rooms next to us yet. The only thing that bugs me a little is that the owner, who I met and spoke with today, may be Arab. They don’t seem to have any more Jews here than they did in Arizona. Tom didn’t notice any synagogues in the phonebook. Oh well. At least there are hardly any blacks. That’s more important to me than the number of us Jews. Anyway, the guy told me nothing I wanted to hear when I mentioned we’d come from Arizona and were hoping to rent a house. He was saying there are people that have been here for 4 years that are trying to rent houses, and that it’s very hard because they want so much money and they do credit checks. Tom said, though, that that’s ridiculous because the more of a down payment you’re willing to make, the less they care about credit, and it wouldn’t take years. This is when he suggested we tough out a studio apartment for a few months to get into a house quicker, but I don’t know. I just don’t know. I didn’t come here for this shit! We weren’t supposed to do motels, studios, apartments, rentals and shit like that!